04x06 - Housewarming

[bunniefuu]

What do you think? Aye.

You don't know what I've done,
do you? Nah.

Well, I've moved that lamp
and I've shifted the rug,

so it's in line with the sofa.

Oh, aye, now you say, aye.
Everything all right upstairs?

Aye, I've hoovered the hall,
I've pulled the blinds down

in the bedroom and I've put the
ironing board back in the cupboard.

Great.
Oh, and I've lit a wee candle

in the bathroom.
Aww, you didn't need to do that.

No. I did.

Hi, Michelle. How you doing?

Not too early, are we?

Oh, no, no, no, don't be daft.
Hi, Alan.

They're early.

Come in, come in.
Aww, thanks, Michelle.

Ohh!

Oh, this is lovely, Michelle.

Isn't this nice, Eric?
Oh, looks good.

Oh, look at the fireplace there
with the lights.

Oh, and I like that rug too.

I love it, it goes just nicely
with the suite.

Took me ages to find one the right
colour.

Oh, no, it's perfect.

Oh, thanks, Beth.

Oh, lovely big telly.

Yeah, Alan picked that.

Take Beth's jacket, would you,
please, Alan? Right, aye.

You needing fags or anything
out the pocket?

Er, no.

Oh, before I forget, this is for you.

Oh, you didn't need to bother.

Oh, it's just a wee something.

Oh, thanks so much.

Och. Look, Alan, Beth got
us a little house-warming pressie.

It's not a candle, is it?

It's like the f*cking chapel in here
as it is.

Ha!

Oh, look.

Oh, if you want to exchange it
for something else,

I might still have the receipt.

Don't be daft. Where is it out of?

Er, Asda.

Take it back and swap it for food.

Just put it on the table, please, Alan.

Now, what would you like to drink?

I'm going to do some cocktails later on,

but I thought we could start with
a wee glass of wine or something?

Oh, yes, a white wine would be
lovely, Michelle.

Eric? Er, I'll take a glass of wine,
aye.

Do you no' want a lager, Eric?
I've got the wee Belgian ones, %?

Oh, aye, a beer, sure thing.

Take a seat anywhere you like.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, Christine.

Take that and guide me in.

Oh.

I think it's quite nice, aye.

Oh, hi, Christine.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, for God's sake.

I'm all right, Michelle.
Bless you, bless you.

What happened?

I've scratched my eye, Beth.

You what?

I've scratched my eyeball. I caught
it in the edge of my newspaper.

Oh. Oh, dear, bad news right enough,
eh?

HE CHUCKLES
Are you all right?

Oh, I've been very, very lucky, Beth.

The wee doctor said that
if it'd been my Take A Break,

it could've been much worse.

Oh, you poor thing.

I've been told to rest
but I didnae want to disappoint you.

I brung you a wee cactus.

Aww, thanks.

Aye, p.

All right, Christine?

Oh, oh, wait a minute, wait, till...

wait till I get turned round,
who's this?

Oh, it's you, Alan.

Hello, Alan.

What's happened to you?

She's hurt her eye.

Aye, the white bit, Alan,
quite a deep scratch.

Now the doctor's given me drops
and painkillers

and I've had my blinds shut all
afternoon.

Can you still see out of it?

Well, no' when I'm wearing
this f*cking patch, no.

Christine, can I get you a wee drink
of something?

Mm, I don't know,
I'm on quite a heavy antibiotic.

A lemonade?

Aye, brandy and lemonade,
that'll be lovely, Michelle.

Alan, see when people arrive,
could you offer them a drink?

Right.
Instead of me having to ask them

and then ask you?
DOORBELL RINGS

Right. Will I...?
No, you get the drinks!

I'll go to the door. Right.

Where did you get this rug, Michelle?

I got it online.
It's nice, isn't it?

I think we should do something
with our lounge, Eric.

Hey? Like what?
Well, a new rug would be nice.

Nothing wrong with the one we've
got. Really?

Aye, hides that big stain

in the carpet perfectly.
SHE SIGHS

Hey.

BETH: Oh, hi, Cathy.
You all right, Cath? Colin?

Hello, hello, hello, we're here!

Who's this?

It's Colin and Cathy.

Oh, dear, what's happened here?

I scratched my eyeball, Colin.

How the hell did you manage that?

I caught it on the edge of my newspaper,

the doctor's given me drops
and painkillers.

And was it him that gave you the patch?

No, I thought it was fancy dress
and I came as a f*cking pirate.

Is this it, Michelle?

Well, tonight's really just a night
for the neighbours, you know?

Oh, aye, very nice.

In fact, we brought yous
a wee pressie so here you go.

Aww!

Oh, it's not another fu... Alan!

Eh, some difference in here, hey, Colin?

Oh, aye, it's...

It's looking good. Do you remember
what it used to be like? Oh, aye.

May I offer yous a drink?

Yes. What do you want?

Well, what have you got?

Well, I was actually going to do
some cocktails.

Oh, brilliant, Michelle,
well, let's have a cocktail.

I can do you a mojito
or a strawberry daiquiri.

Oh. Or the wee beers with %?

Strawberry daiquiri, Michelle.

Aye, I'll have a daiquiri too.

Alan!

It's an M&S candle, Michelle.

I don't know how to do them.

Alan, honestly?

So, all right, Beth?

Yes, fine, thanks, Cathy.

Oh, it's nice in here, isn't it?

Oh, lovely. She's done a great job.

Yeah, if you like things quite...
quite plain.

Cathy. What?

She has put a lot of work into this
place

and it's very nice of her to have us
over, so just don't...

All right, all right.

Is that all the hard work over,
then, is it, Alan?

Michelle wants a bigger
extractor fan in the loo

but apart from that it's just...

Oh, you've done some job with it.
I remember when old Archie had it.

Aye? Oh, aye.

Newspapers piled up over
there, cats' litter tray there

and some sort of frame with
a harness in it there,

don't know what it was.

Wee Asian doctor, Eric,

that's what you want
for anything to do with your eyes.

Really?

Asian for your eyes,
Chinese for your back

and maybe take a plain British
one for stitches.

There you go.

Oh, thank you.

And thank you, Michelle, for having
us in your beautiful home.

Some difference, Michelle.

I'm just saying to Alan how
different it is since Archie had it.

Yeah?

Oh, aye, and it smells much better too.

You'll have put some value onto the
place with all the work you've done.

Aye, they certainly will, Eric.

As a matter of fact,
I've been meaning to get mine valued

since I had that handrail
put round my front step.

Well, are you wanting a look around?

Well, I wouldn't mind. Cathy?

Oh, go on, Michelle.

Let's see how many different shades
of beige you've managed to find.

So this is my kitchen.

Oh, yes, this is nice.

Isn't this lovely, Cathy? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's great how
everything's so close together.

You can just get the food
straight from the fridge

to the cooker to the bin.

Oh, it just makes me want
to cook something.

Does it, Beth? What do you want
to cook, Beth? Potatoes?

I'm just saying it's a lovely kitchen

and it looks ideal for cooking in.

See since we got it done,
I've been cooking every night.

You have, haven't you?

Shall we see upstairs?
Yeah, come on!

Let's go and look at Michelle's toilet!

See if you think it's
ideal for sh1tting in.

Nice big telly you've got.
I was saying that.

It's a beauty, innit?

Is that the incher, Alan?
Aye, you want it on?

Well?

Wouldnae mind a wee look.

Aye, stick it on, Alan.

Oooh!

Oh, look at that.

Look at the colours on it, Eric.
Is that high definition, Alan?

High definition, surround sound,
internet, voice control.

What's voice control?

Well, you just say what you want to
watch and it puts it on.

Eh?
You say the name of the programme

that you want to watch
and it automatically switches to it.

Oh, that's clever, that.

We've been looking into getting
a new telly

but I never knew they did them
with voice...

Bargain Hunt!

Bargain Hunt!

Oh, this is nice.

Oh, this is where the magic
happens, Michelle?

Don't know about that.

King size mattress.

Beth, let's try it.

Oooh!

Oh, Beth, come and try this.

No, I won't.

Come on, I won't touch you.

Oh, yes, very comfortable.

What side of the bed are you on?

That side.

Beth, check the drawers,
see if she's got a dildo.

Aye, he came off that cushion
a bit heavy, did he no', Eric?

Uh-huh.

His positional play is very sloppy.

Oh, aye.

SNOOKER BALLS CLACK

And again.

Alan!

All right?
What you doing with the telly on?

Here, Beth, shout Emmerdale
and see what happens.

Switch it off.
But they wanted to see it.

Put it off. Lorraine!

No, you need to shout it into
the remote.

Alan, just switch the television off.

Rogue Traders!

Oh, what we going to do now?

Oh, Alan, they don't have drinks.

Do yous want another one, aye?
Aye, go on.

What about everybody else, Christine?

Would you like a wee cocktail?
I'll take another one, honey.

I couldn't really taste
the spirits in that one, though.

Oh, I don't know if I should, Michelle,

what with this heavy antibiotic.

Would you prefer a soft drink?

Mm, what are you drinking, Beth?

What was there again?

Mojito or strawberry daiquiri.

I'll take a daiquiri, Michelle.

No, I'm going to try a mojito.

Ah, f*ck it, give me
a wee bit of both, Michelle.

Beth?

Er, I'll take a mojito, Michelle.
Oooh!

Did you get a look upstairs, did you?

We did. Oh, it's absolutely
beautiful.

Well, I wouldn't say it was...

It's beautiful.

Alan, any chance you could do a wee
bit of work in my place?

Aye, what you wanting done?

Well, I'm thinking of turning
my dining room into a bedroom.

Where will you sit and eat your dinner?

In my bed, son, that's the whole point.

Right, here we are.

Oooh!

Oh, here we go.
Beth, that's yours. Cathy.

Thank you.

And Christine, there you go.

Thanks, Michelle.

Oh, that's better,
I can nearly taste it now, Michelle.

So, listen, thank you,
everyone, for coming tonight

and for all your lovely gifts.

You've really made us feel
so welcome here.

Oh, no problem at all, honey.

We love the house, but what's really
the most important thing...

..is that we've got such
nice neighbours.

Aww!
Well, you've done a grand job.

We're pleased you're settling in.

Yes, and it's great to have such
a lovely, young couple

in the neighbourhood, it really is.
DOORBELL RINGS

Who the f*ck's that?

Louise! Oh! Come in!

It's a nice suite, hey, Cath?

Meh.

Everyone, this is my friend Louise.

Beth, Beth, she's... Yes.

All right?

Michelle, is she deaf?

Yeah, sorry, Louise is deaf.

Beth, she's deaf. But if you just
speak a little bit slower,

she'll be able to lip-read you.

Oh, right. Hi, Louise,
my name is Beth.

And this is Cathy.

Hi, Louise.

SHE MOUTHS

Oh, my God, Col,
she's so young, it's so sad.

And this is Christine.

Hi, Louise, good to meet ya.

My friend Pat knows a wee girl
with a hearing aid.

Do you know her? Katrina.

What's she saying?

Er, she doesn't think so. Ah.

This is Eric.

This is Colin.
Beth and Cathy's husbands.

I... I... I'm Cathy's,
tell her I'm Cathy's.

Oh, you're driving?

Oh, she drives a car, Colin.

Can you do it too, Alan? What?

The sign language? A wee bit.

Well, what did you say to her?

I just says, "You all right?"

Oh, and what did she say?

She says she's good, aye.

Oh, that's amazing, isn't it?

I bet she's got a very good sense
of smell.

See, that's what happens
when you're deprived of one sense,

the others kick in to compensate.

Here, my ears could pick up the slack.

How long have they been pals, Alan?

Oh, a long time.

Louise, Eric's saying how long
have you...?

Oh, I'm shite at it.

Get a pad.

How long have you and Michelle been
pals for?

, is it?

year, Eric. years, eh?

My daughter is but she has went
away to live in Wales.

It is a shite-hole, Louise.

So you learned to sign, did you,
Michelle?

Yeah, well, she helped me a wee bit.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
CATH CLAPS HANDS URGENTLY

Hey!
SHE MOUTHS

Louise?

CHRISTINE CLICKS HER FINGERS
Louise.

ENUNCIATES CLEARLY: I have never met
a deaf person before

but I have met a man with a false hand,

I've met a woman in callipers

and I've shared a table in Costa

with a lovely wee Down's syndrome boy.

Is everybody else all right for drinks?

Aye, go on,
another one of these wee beers.

Aye, I'll take another one,
Michelle. I'll have a Stella.

Alan, why don't you head
out to the garden?

Take Eric and Colin with you,
show them your decking

and then YOU can get them a drink
when you're out there.

Do yous want to see it?

Yeah, why not?

Right, come on.
Well, scuse us ladies.

Louise?

Decking...

er, for... for a nosey at it.

Oh, Colin, look at this.

You do all this yourself, did you,
Alan? I did, aye.

Remember what this was like before
when Archie had it, Eric?

Aye, kind of. It was just this
kind of area here

where he used to tip his
wee basins onto.

Michelle's wanting decking
so she can have her coffee outside.

I tell you what you should get,
one of these wee chiminea things.

Oh, yeah. What's that?

Oh, it's like a wee kind of
wood burner type of thing.

Aye, they're great.

Aye, you and Michelle
get parked in front of that,

a wee rug over your laps,
a glass of wine

and sat out the back here
into the wee small hours.

And do what?

Well, chat.

Nah.

I don't fancy that.

SHE SIGHS DEEPLY

Well, this is a great night, this,
isn't it?

Sorry?

It's supposed to be
a party for her neighbours

and she's sat over there
chatting to her pal.

Cathy, I don't think
she knew Louise was coming.

She's neglecting her guests, Beth.

CATH IMITATES
A REVERSING VEHICLE

Sorry, Louise.

Michelle,
could you ask her to budge up a bit?

So are you OK, Michelle, honey, yeah?

Er, yeah.

Aye, settling in OK?
Feeling at home?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so tell me
all about your big silver ornaments.

Ah! Got you now.

Good telly there,
all-singing, all-dancing,

good big subtitles for you!

Subtitles!

Subtitles!

So, er, how's it going
with your other wee project?

Oh, the pond?

No, no, the, you know,
getting Michelle pregnant.

Oh, right, aye, er, nah, not yet.

Plenty of time eh?
Aye, plenty of time.

Just keep plugging away.

Mm?

I'm just saying,
you've gotta keep at it.

Mind you, it could become
a bit of a chore.

You're still enjoying it,
though, are ya?

Aye, I'm still liking it.
Ah, well, that's good.

So have you got any plans to...
Because there's always ways

to mix it up if it gets a bit,
you know, samey.

Oh, for crying out loud! What?

I'm just saying, Eric,
this is important,

they're trying for a baby.

Michelle does sometimes look kinda,
I dunno, kinda...

..fed up during it. Does she?

Aye, a bit.

Well, you maybe want to try
something a wee bit different.

What? Like up the hoop? No!

Oh, for Christ's sake!

No, I'm just meaning, you know,
introduce a bit of variety,

you know, ring the changes.

What... what about a different room?

I mean, you've got a lovely house,
you know, make the most of it.

Aye, saying that,
there's that big couch,

I could just take the cushions off
that and pump her on the floor.

Well, there you go.

And the kitchen's nice.
The kitchen, aye.

Mind you, there's raw meat getting
cut up in there, that's...

What about the bathroom?

I thought we'd had a tour
of the house already?

I'm sorry, Eric,
I'm just trying to help Alan.

Look, if you're sticking to the bedroom,

you might want to think about
a wee change of position.

Oh, no, we tried that, the minute
I go on my back I just fall asleep.

I watch Robot Wars during the night

with the wee woman at the bottom
corner of the screen.

Oh, she gets right into it.

She does all the facial expressions
to match what they're saying.

Michelle? Michelle? Could you ask
Louise something for me?

Yes, sure. Could you ask her

if she'd mind teaching me
a little bit of sign language?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Beth wants to learn some sign language.

MICHELLE LAUGHS

What did she say?

She said she's enjoying the party.

Oh, teach me some, Louise,
teach me something.

What am I saying?

How are you? Oh!

Not bad, Louise,
but this patch is doing my head in.

Oh, do another one, do another one!

What did I say?

You said how upset you are about
your eye.

Teach me, teach me!

Oh, God!

Oh, I love it! What did I say?
You said I'm a friendly neighbour.

Oh, here, I'll need to go to the loo.

I'll tell you, Alan,
see when you get to my age,

there's a price to pay
for drinking lager all night.

Just go there, Eric.

Sorry?

Just go up there.

I'm not doing that. Listen, see when
I was doing the decking,

to save me trailing all the dust
through the house

I was just going up the back and
doing a piss on the ground.

Makes sense, Eric.
Honestly, it's nae bother.

ALL LAUGH EXCEPT CATH

Oh, you should see her on a night
out, she has us all in stitches.

Oh, you should come with us some
night, Beth.

Oh, I'd love that.

Right, who's for a wee top-up?

Aye, I'll take another one, Michelle.

I'll have another strawberry thing,
honey.

Michelle, I'll get them,
you've been on the go all night.

Oh, no, it's fine.

No, no, no, you stay there.

I'll need to take another
one of my pills.

Right, I'll get you a glass of water?

No, one of these strawberry things
will be fine.

LAUGHTER OUTSIDE

TRICKLING
Ohh!

Eric! sh*t!

Eric, what are you doing?

Er, I was just, um...

Are you doing the toilet?
It's these wee beers, Beth.

Eric, stop that right now!

Don't waggle it!

Have you got a boyfriend, Louise?

Has she got a boyfriend, Michelle?

She's seeing someone.

Oh, just as well,
cos you cannae f*cking hear them!

He's quite like Colin actually.

Is he? Yeah.

Oh. Except younger...

..taller.

Right, I'll go and help Beth
with these drinks.

Honestly, what kind of person does
the toilet in someone else's garden?

And at their house-warming party.

I'm honestly no' bothered, Beth,
I've done a few up there myself.

What's going on?

I'm really sorry, Michelle.

Well, what is it? What's happening?

Well, tell her.

I...

He went for a piss up the back.

What?

I am so sorry, Michelle,
I don't know what he was thinking.

I said he could,
seeing as we're out here.

I really am sorry, Michelle.

Oh, no, it's fine, Beth.

No, it's not fine.

Eric, apologise to Michelle.
Oh, God.

Eric!

Look, I'm... I'm sorry, Michelle.

If you get a rake or something,
I'll pull a bit of the soil over it.

No! Look, it's OK, Eric.

It's more him that I'm annoyed with,
to be honest.

What have I done?

Well, I've been saying to you all
night to look after our guests

and I turn my back for one minute

and you're telling them to take
a piss up the back of the garden!

Oh, what's the big deal?
I've pee'd down there mysel.

I was saying
it's those wee beers, Michelle.

In fact, I'm gearing up for one mysel.

TAPPING ON DOOR

What is it?

Oh, no!

I had an accident, Michelle.

What happened?

I spilled my drink.
It was an accident, Beth.

No, on your beautiful rug, Michelle.

What, is it?
Oh, just get out of my way, Alan.

Honestly, Cathy! What? Don't
blame me, I was only trying

to make conversation with bloody
Louise there.

If you hadn't come,
none of this would've happened.

Nah, no use.

What's on the other side,
can you no' just turn it over?

It's ruined. It's totally ruined!

Here, I'll have a rub at it.

No point.

Whole night's just been...

You see, that's why
I avoid having visitors in, Louise,

well, that, and the smell
off the gerbils.

Oh, she's away again. No-one knows
what you're saying, love.

Um, sorry, I'm still not getting it

but... but why don't you see
if you understand this?!

You have come to a party

that you were not invited to

and you've... you've made everybody
have to talk really slowly

and then you made me spill my drink
on... on Michelle's cheap rug

so now it really is time
that you went f*cking home!

Do you think she understood?

Oh.

I think she did.

SHE SLURPS

? Come on over to my place

? Hey, girl, we're having a party

? We'll be swinging, dancing and
singing

? Baby, come on over tonight

? Yeah, yeah, yeah

? Come on over to my place

? Hey, you

? Hey, you, we're having a party

? We'll be swinging,
dancing and singing

? Oh, baby, won't you come on over?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! ?