02x09 - Little Caesars

[bunniefuu]

- It's gonna be great.
- It's gonna be awesome.

We're gonna have a blast.
Come on, let's bring it in.

Bring it in. Let's get a picture.

- ALL: Fowling!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[PINS CLATTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Hey, how are ya?

We're here for the charity event.

The entry is a suggested $ donation.

And I would suggest a much lower number.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Is there an open bar?

- Yes.
- Oh! [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

You're gonna lose money on this deal.

- It's dumb, stupid.
- This is dumb.

- You guys are suckers.
- Idiots.

- Here you go, sucker.
- Thank you.

Oh, there's Harbaugh.

- [SCATTERED GROANS]
- Dang it!

It's okay, Jim.

We're just having fun, for charity.

Well, it's totally different mechanics.

Fowling is different.

You think LeBron James
would be good at pop-a-sh*t?

- Look at this guy!
- I'm getting this.

Dang it!

This guy's k*lling me!

- There she is.
- [HARBAUGH GRUNTS]

Let's do it.

[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]

♪

- Oh, yum-yum-yum.
- This looks delicious.

I can't wait to have another slice.

Uh, s-sorry, you each have a...

A pepperoni on your face.

- Oh, God damn it.
- [GROANS]

- Oh, crap.
- How embarrassing.

First we donate $ , to charity,

and now we got pepperoni on our faces.

- [SOFT LAUGH]
- I'm sorry.

You probably get this all the time,

but has anybody ever told
you you look just like...

Emma Stone.

[TSKS] No.

I was thinking Reilly Clair,
VP of Marketing, Little Caesars.

Oh, actually, yeah, I am Reilly Clair.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness..

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Are you serious?

That's... I mean... So embarrassing.

Oh, my God.

- First, we donate OK.
- Each.

- Each.
- And now this? Ugh.

Sam Duvet. Cramblin Duvet Advertising.

- Hi.
- Yeah. How you doing?

Tim Cramblin, the aforementioned

Cramblin Duvet Advertising.

We would love to work with you someday.

Oh, well, actually we are
looking for a new agency.

Oh, my God. I had not heard that.

- Sam, had you heard that?
- I had not heard that.

Oh, had I heard that I would have said,

"Well, look no further

You found the perfect guys for the job."

- Had I heard that.
- Had he heard that.

Dang it! Give me that.

Watch this.

[YELLS]

I don't mind telling you,

we're the two best admen in the city.

But we're also big fans of
your Little Caesar's pizza.

Oh, thank you.

The smell of one of your
Hot-N-Readys instantly

takes us back to some of our
greatest childhood memories.

And not just for us,
but for everyone we know.

[WAILS]

You couldn't walk miles in any direction

from the spot we're standing in right now

without coming across a birthday party,

graduation, or an anniversary

that isn't serving a
great, big, piping-hot...

- I can't believe this!
- Little Caesars...

- [BALL THUNKS]
- [WOMAN GASPS, MAN GROANS]

Pizza, pizza.

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back
on our feet, yeah ♪

Synced and corrected by louvette
http://www.addic ed.com

Welcome back to "Mitch, Please!"

With your host Mitch
Albom and Ken B-B-B-Brown!

All right, we're back.

Take a look at what happened

at a local fowling charity event

where Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh

can't hit a single pin,

but does connect with the
back of this guy's head.

- [BALL THUNKS]
- [WOMAN GASPS, MAN GROANS]

- Pizza, pizza.
- What a moron!

I don't know why,
but I hate this guy.

I mean, I guess I see
what's funny about that.

I guess, I mean, like,

but wouldn't it be funnier
if I had gotten knocked out?

I mean, what's funny about not flinching?

I mean, we almost had Little Caesars!

I could tell, Reilly
was into that pitch, man.

Had you not getting beaned
to the back of the head

by Harbaugh's throw at that exact moment,

we'd have landed the
Little Caesars account.

Yeah, and I wouldn't have been

hit in the head with a football.

[SOFTLY] Hey, how... How is your head, man?

Don't. Don't even.

I should have asked you
that right after it happened.

- I apologize. Sorry.
- Yeah, man.

[CELL PHONES CHIME]

[FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC]

Guys, thank you so much
for coming in on such

short notice, but we were
really excited to talk to you.

- We're excited to be here.
- Yeah.

Is it true that the water fountains here

sh**t out cheese and not water?

No. How... how would that work?

I'm not stupid.

Cool.

Oh, my God.

Those windows are always
supposed to be closed!

That's where we come
up with the new pizzas.

[CHUCKLES] I thought I
saw a pizza ball in there.

No, you didn't.

You didn't see anything.

[SOFTLY] There was a real nice pizza ball.

- The guy spazzed.
- The guy spazzed.

You know they're up to something.

Oh, hey, guys, grab a slice
of pizza and have a seat.

We'll get started in just a second.

Hi, Tim.

- How's it going?
- Good.

Paul Sloan.

I used to work for your dad at Cramblin.

- I'm at Little Caesars now.
- Oh, nice to meet you.

- Meet me?
- Are you kidding?

It's me, Paul.

I remember when you used to
fit in the palm of my hand.

Heck, kid, I used to change your diapers.

Why would you have changed my diapers?

'Cause they were filled with poop.

- No... why you?
- Listen...

All right, guys, let's get started.

All right, everyone, this is Tim and Sam

from Cramblin Duvet Advertising.

No introduction is needed for me.

I used to change that guy's diapers.

[LAUGHTER]

Shut up.

Well, needless to say,

these two made quite
an impression yesterday.

I'm sorry, you guys want to tell it?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Uh, we ran into Reilly when we were eating

Little Caesars pizza, actually.

We had pepperonis on our faces.

We had pepperonis on our faces.

And we told her, you couldn't
walk miles in any direction

from the spot we're
standing in right now...

Yeah, guys, uh, just
tell them the part where

Harbaugh pegged you in the back
of the head with a football.

It was hilarious.

Was it?

And that's when we knew
we needed to hire you two

to do an ad for us.

Hire us?

We just landed Little Caesars?

Congratulations.

- Oh, my God!
- Holy hell.

Oh, well, I gotta tell you,

you're not gonna be disappointed.

- No, hell no.
- Promise you that.

We're gonna put together the
best friggin' ad you've ever seen.

Yeah, or else we'll die trying.

Boom!

- Oh, no, my friend's dead!
- [LAUGHS]

No, uh, guys you already
pitched the perfect commercial.

Even a football to the back of the head

won't stop you from
enjoying Little Caesars...

- [BALL THUNKS]
- [WOMAN GASPS, MAN GROANS]

- Pizza, pizza.
- [LAUGHTER]

I mean, come on. That is the commercial.

Am I right?

[FALSETTO] Ohh, yeah.

[FALSETTO, MUMBLING]
Uh, that's pretty good.

[FALSETTO, MUMBLING] Pretty good.

Hey, Quintin! Two beers for two guys

who just landed Little Caesars Pizza.

- We just left the headquarters.
- Cool.

I heard the water fountains there

squirt out cheese instead of water.

Are you stupid?

Fellas.

I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh,

love your Harbaugh video, man.

Hey, it's my girl's birthday.

I wonder if she come
over here, we could, like,

throw her purse at the back of your head.

You could be like, "Birthday, birthday"?

No, I'm okay. Thanks, though.

Oh. So you're an assh*le.

Baby, he said no.

assh*le!

I'm not embarrassed by what happened,

but at the same time,
I don't like the idea of

perpetuating the incident
in a commercial for

the largest pizza brand on the planet.

It's just our foot in the door, Sam.

All we have to do now is
pitch them a brand-new idea

that undeniably better than

you getting hit in the
head with a football.

Yeah, anything's funnier than that.

How bout we take a...

- [CAN THUNKS]
- [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man. We're big fans.

[LAUGHING]

Well, you can't b*at funny with funny.

So the new idea has to be something that

shamelessly pulls at people's heartstrings.

Ooh! Okay, how about this?

Uh, an old lady's crying by a river.

Uh, uh, she's tossing her
husband's ashes in the river.

And a... a fish eat the ashes

and jumps out of the water

and winks at the old lady.

Uh, she catches the
fish, puts it in a t*nk.

She has her husband back. Little Caesars.

Oh, my God, it's perfect.

I just... I don't know how you

grab a fish out of the
water, is the only thing...

Yeah, but making a fish wink is easy?

It's your idea, assh*le!

[CAN THUNKS]

You proud?

Enough!

- I'm thinking for the tag...
- Yeah.

We got with: "It's not
just a slice of pizza."

- It's a little slice of home."
- Oh, it's great.

It's so much better than "slice of house."

- Mm-hmm. We got this.
- Yeah.

- Follow my lead.
- Yes.

Mmm, let me take a bite
of this Little Caesars.

Pizza, pizza. [LAUGHTER]

Oh, my gosh, Donnie, that was terrific.

Thank you so much for coming in.

I'm gonna need the pizza,
but thank you so much.

[CHUCKLING] He was great!

Oh, my God, I cannot
believe his pants fell down

in the middle of the audition.

He looked like a complete idiot.

- He's perfect.
- Right?

Excuse me? Uh.

Are you guys auditioning actors already?

Yeah.

Reilly, can we talk to you for a second?

Sure.

There he is!

I've seen this guy naked from head to toe.

As a baby.

I used to change his diapers.

This kid would eat anything
he got his hands on.

And then his face would
scrunch up and turn red and bam!

It would should out the front,
the back, and everywhere.

And I used to have to clean up every inch.

Where were my parents?

Why was I left alone with you?

[CHUCKLES]

And don't get me started about the piss!

- [IMITATES WHIZZING]
- [LAUGHS]

We're just a little concerned

with how fast things are moving.

Yeah... and we actually
have a brand-new idea

that I think you're gonna like even more.

- I hope you have tissues ready.
- Mm-hmm.

Because imagine this.

An old lady stands by a river...

Yeah, guys, I'm sorry, we're just...

We're really happy with the guy getting hit

in the head with the football, so.

Hello, Reilly.

Oh, hey, Andrew.

I came straight from the airport.

I'd love to get the
production meeting done,

so I can have a bath.

Oh, of course you would, you poor thing.

Okay, it's just right down there

- through the conference room.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

[SOFTLY] That's Andrew.

He's directing the commercial.

- Wait, what?
- Wha...

I thought we were directing?

- [LAUGHS] Oh.

Uh, no, God no.

Sorry, guys. That was never an option.

We've directed hundreds of commercials.

Yeah, I... I know. We've seen them.

We once directed five
commercials in one day.

Look, guys, Andrew is one of

the premiere advertisement
directors in the world, okay?

Just sit back and let him do his thing.

And who knows?

You guys might even win a D Award for this.

Huh?

[CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]

[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]

Well, don't get mad at us!

Yeah, shut the blinds if you don't

want us to see your fancy pizza ball!

[MUFFLED] You didn't see a pizza ball!

Yes, we did!

[SMOOTH SMALTZY POP MUSIC]

♪

- Whoa.
- Look at this.

♪

Hey, guys.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

We're here to support you on your big day.

- I took the day off of work.
- We all did.

Well, not you, Tommy.

Technically, this is still work for you.

- In fact, get me a coffee, man.
- Right away.

- Would you look at those!
- Oh.

Sit in your chairs so I can
take pictures of you in 'em.

Come on, Chrissy, that's embarrassing.

This is work for us, it's not like fun.

[SOFT SQUEAL] Got it.

[SQUEALING] Oh, look at you, so cute!

Actually, it's sexy, so.

- And action.
- We at Little Caesars

want to find out what
it would take to stop you

from enjoying our pizza.

Introducing test item ...

- a football.
- Cut!

That's excellent, Brian.

Excellent? It wasn't very funny.

That wasn't funny at all.

I mean, should it be like...
Should he make a funnier face?

Or say, like, a funnier number?

Like, could he say "frickin' football"?

[LAUGHS] That's funny.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Go tell him.

Oh, no, I can't...
They're doing their thing.

Yeah, we're not directing this one.

It's your commercial.

I'm sure they'd be
interested in your ideas.

You guys make everything better.

We can probably... fly in one note.

- We can fly in one note.
- And roll it up!

- One note.
- I think so.

Rolling!

And action.

We had a quick note. Something to add.

Cut. Who the f*ck are you?

Tim Cramblin. Cramblin Duvet Advertising.

We... we actually met before your bath.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

Uh... oh, we actually

came up with the idea for this commercial.

Yeah, we have a couple of, uh,
chairs with our names on them.

I don't give a sh*t. Reilly.

I have a limited amount of time here.

I can't just have nobodies

wandering into frame and mucking it up.

I am... I'm very sorry, Andy.

- We were just trying to help.
- You want to help?

Sit out of frame and shut the f*ck up

while I film these Mini Caesars.

Again, so sorry.

Look, why don't you guys go
back to your bloody chairs?

"Bloody"?

[SOFTLY] Thanks. I'm sorry.

Hey.

- What was the note?
- What?

What was the f*ckin' note
that was so f*ckin' important

that you had to interrupt my sh*t?

[SOFT CHUCKLE] Uh, mayb...

Uh, maybe it could be "friggin' football"?

- [SOFT LAUGHING]
- What?

[SOFT LAUGH]

Instead of him saying just "a football,"

he says, "a friggin' football."

[BOTH LAUGHING SOFTLY]

Are you f*ckin' idiots?

[SHOUTING] Does anyone
think that's funnier?

Anybody?

All right, then.

Okay, look, guys,

why don't you just get
out of here, all right?

Yeah, that's all right, we'll...

We'll go back to our chairs.

No. I mean, get out of here.

Leave.

[MOODY FUNK MUSIC]

♪

How'd it go?

I ran to the restroom,

and I didn't see what just happened.

I saw that you saw.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, I love you, Sam.

Thanks, but I don't need your help

'cause I'm not humiliated.

- [UPBEAT LOUNGE MUSIC]
- _

What are we even doing here?

That commercial got
nominated for a D Award.

Let's just try to enjoy it.

We had nothing to do with
it. We got kicked off the set.

I choose to remember that

we walked away with our heads held high.

[DRUMROLL]

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage

Detroit's favorite son from

your favorite television
show, "Martin."

Please welcome Cole from "Martin."

[ENTHUSED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ORCHESTRAL MUSICAL FLOURISH]

♪

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
ah-ah-ah!

[CHEERING]

What's up, Detroit?

I'm Carl Anthony Payne II.

Now, even though we actually

never filmed "Martin" in Detroit,

every time I would see all
those beautiful exterior sh*ts,

I would think, "Damn, such a nice place."

[ENTHUSED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

All right, now, I know
you guys are thinking

I came alone, right?

I brought Carl Anthony Payne III!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Now, the producers of the show,

they saw this bit and
asked me not to do it.

They thought it wasn't
good. But I ask you guys.

Is this good?

[AS PUPPET] What's up, guys?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to

Detroit's biggest night in advertising...

[AS PUPPET] The D Awards!

[ORCHESTRAL FANFARE]

♪

[HOOTING]

[TAME APPLAUSE]

Congratulations.

All right, guys, it's time for the big one.

The D Award for Consumer
TV -Second Single.

Here's our first nominee.

[GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]

♪

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Hide between these bricks ♪

♪

♪ Picture frames ♪

♪ Hold picture perfect moments ♪

They stole our pitch.

Don't flatter yourself.

A lot of people can have the same idea.

♪ Turn all our stories ♪

♪ For love always
wherever we go ♪

_

♪

[APPLAUSE]

Next up, Better Made Chips

from Pomerantz and Klein.

Let's get a drink.

♪ Memories hide
between these bricks ♪

See?

[DISTANT] ♪ Picture frames
hold picture perfect... ♪

Can I have a Robert Palmer, please?

- Hey.
- "Pizza, pizza."

Can I whip this napkin
at the back of your head?

Abso-f*ckin'-lutely
not.

There he is!

Oh, for Christ sake...

Funny seeing you in here again.

Oh, I've seen that look before.

You're getting ready to take a big dump.

And in a minute, I'll
be wiping your little bun

down with a wet towel

and pouring baby powder on your tuchus,

so your anus wouldn't
turn red as Rudolph's nose.

Why were you always
changing my diaper, man?

You're not even related to me.

You should not have been doing that.

Oh, jeez, kid.

Your dad would bring you into work,

and then he would get so
busy he wouldn't have time

to take care of you, so I set
up a spot for you in my office,

let you play with my old Matchbox cars,

and while all that was going on,

you'd take a lot of craps,
and I'd clean 'em up.

Look, I didn't mean to embarrass you.

Oh, my God.

I'm... I'm so sorry, Paul. I had no idea.

Thank you for taking care of me.

Oh, yeah.

I just feel like I had
a hand in raising you.

Now, why don't you hop up
here for old time's sake?

- Paul...
- Aw, I'm just joking.

- Okay.
- I'm just proud of you.

But I bet your dumps are way bigger

and way messier.

I'd love to see 'em,

even if just in the toilet.

Oh, damn it.

Say it. "Pizza, pizza."

Say it.

Let's get out of here.

Let's get our pea coats and go.

Let's get our pea coats
and get out of here.

Mmm, delicious Little Caesars.

- Pizza, pizza.
- [LAUGHTER]

And there you have it.

Even a football to the
head won't stop you

from enjoying Little Caesars Pizza.

- Idiots.
- You're all sheep!

Well, no surprises here, guys.

The winner is: Little
Caesars, Cramblin Duvet.

- Oh, my God!
- We did it!

A f*ckin' D Award!

Aah!

[UPBEAT MOTOWN MUSIC]

♪ You got me believing in you ♪

[LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHS] Uh... ah.

When... you know, when I was first

hit in the head with a football,

I-I thought, hmm, this
would be a great commercial,

because it was funny, you know,

and I always thought it was funny.

Uh, and I was always in on the joke.

So, to you I say...

welcome to the joke!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLES] Tim.

Commercials have the
power to change the world.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ You got me
believing in you... ♪

It's weird. All I've ever wanted

was to win a D Award.

Doesn't feel like I thought it would.

Yeah, that's 'cause we
didn't do anything to win it.

That's right. This is meaningless.

Hey, guys, congratulations.

- Suck it, pal.
- We b*at you, you lost,

you're a piece of sh*t,
and nobody loves you.

It's an empty victory.

Yeah, sure is.

Hey, fellas. Congratulations.

- Oh.
- Yeah,

it was a great commercial.

Thank you so much, Carl, but honestly,

we had nothing to do with it.

Hmm. You know...

this reminds me of the time

"Martin" won the Image Award

for Outstanding Comedy Series.

- Oh, yeah, magical night.
- Yeah, of course.

- I remember that.
- Yeah, yeah, it was great.

Right? We won.

You know, but it didn't feel like my award.

Oh, yeah, 'cause you had to share it

with Martin and Tommy and Pam and Gina

and Sheneneh.

Well, Sheneneh was Martin.

But you know what, that's beside the point.

I mean, you know, that
was just my ego talking.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, since then I've learned
to appreciate the achievement.

You know, you put it like
that, it's pretty cool.

It's like the D Award is the Image Award,

and we're "Martin." [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

No.

You're Cole... from "Martin."

Well, that's... pretty cool, too.

Oh, I know it is.

Take it easy, fellas.

- BOTH: Thanks, Carl.
- Appreciate it.

- Wait, Martin was Sheneneh?
- I know!

- What the hell?
- How?

I met the real Sheneneh once.

Yeah.

God bless you.

[STAMMERS] Thank you.

[STIFLED LAUGHTER]

And never... never...

Let a teacher tell you that you're fat.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]