02x04 - Thanks for Nothing

[bunniefuu]

Are you kidding? Really.

Well, I hope you have
a great Thanksgiving.

(scoffs)

My daughter is dead to me.

- What'd she do?
- What did who do?

- Your daughter.
- What daughter?

Okay, we get it. What happened?

She's going to California with
her boyfriend for Thanksgiving.

After all I've done for her.

hours of labor.

And the breastfeeding.

She was like a puppy with a chew toy.

You know, actually,
Randy, I'm on her side.

Careful, she just k*lled her daughter...

She's old enough to live her own life,

which is what I told my mom

because I'm not going home
for Thanksgiving, either.

You little ingrate.

Which is what she told me,

but I have to be here with
all the holiday shoppers.

This is going to be a huge
weekend for my food truck.

I usually go to my mom's,
but she's going to Vegas

with her friends, and nobody wants

to spend that day with my damn dad.

Oh, why not?

'Cause he likes to cause trouble.

Goes around the table and tells people

what they shouldn't be thankful for.

Once, it was my "lack of talent,"

once, it was my cartoon hair

and once, it was because
I danced like a soccer mom

at a team banquet.

(laughs)

Yo, if we ain't doing nothing,

let's have Thanksgiving here.

Hey, sounds like fun.

We could have a potluck.

I'm in. A picture of me having

a sad Thanksgiving in a donut shop

will make my daughter feel so guilty.

And I really enjoy your company.

What are you guys talking about?

Yo, if it's cool with you,
we thought about having

a little orphan Thanksgiving
here in the shop.

Sure. Knock yourselves out.
But I think I'll skip it.

- Why?
- Well, I got this great tradition

going for the last couple of years.

I watch football,
order Chinese and pass out on the couch.

Pants: optional.

Come on, Arthur.

Yeah. You ain't got to do nothing.

- We're bringing all the dishes.
- I'll make a turkey.

I'll bring the wine.

I'll fill the jukebox with house music.

(imitates house music)

You do look like a soccer mom,

trying to get on the jumbotron
at a Bruno Mars concert.

All right, all right, I'll come.

Can't promise I'll be wearing pants.

RANDY: Oh...

Forget the wine.
This is a job for vodka.

You guys are gonna love
what I do with that turkey.

Start with a salt bath, then a dry rub.

And then, I get to work on that turkey.

FRANCO: Good morning.

Can I get you a donut?

- Oh, God, no.
- How about some coffee?

How long has it been sitting there?

Uh...

No, thanks.

Ugh. Is he still using
these donut racks?

They must be years old.

You must be from the Health Department.

Um...

Believe you left that here.

A bribe?

You know that's against the law.

Arthur!

Lucy?

Hey, Dad.

Franco, Sofia.

Meet my daughter.

Oh, my... it... it's Lucy!

You're Arthur's daughter!

Yo! You haven't seen him
in, like, two years,

and now, you here.

Yo, it's your daughter.

It's my daughter, yeah.

This guy have an off button?

- You should him when he gets excited.
- Ah.

Loud and irritating. Fun combo.

That was mean.

You really are his daughter.

♪ ♪

Well, it's nice to see you, Lucy.

What brings you to the shop?

Well, you left me a voicemail,

and I called you back five times,

and left messages that
you never responded to,

so I got worried.

I never got any messages.

Give me that.

LUCY (over phone): Hey, Dad, it's me.

Hey, trying you again, Dad.

Okay, I'm getting worried here.

Dad, this is bull...

Listen, I'm sorry if I alarmed you,

I was just calling you to
see how you were doing.

I'm good. How about you?

Good. Thanks.

Good.

Well, I'm glad I came here so
we could do this in person.

It's hard to capture that
kind of magic over the phone.

Well, the key to enjoying
a big Thanksgiving dinner

is to have a full evac
a few days before.

Tush.

Lucy, hi.

How's Liz?

We're divorced.

How's Chad?

Also divorced.

Oh. You look nice.

How much of that "full evac"
remark did you hear?

The wrong amount.

Well,
I got a batch of donuts in the fryer.

I'll be right back.

Tough being single, huh?

Oh, have you tried one of
those online dating sites?

(chuckles)

Sofia, you're not the skirt I'm chasing.

Hit the bricks.

There ain't nothing in the fryer.

What are you doing?

Are you hiding from your daughter?

I'm not hiding.

I'm avoiding.

Lucy and I,
we always had trouble connecting.

Probably my fault.

I wasn't exactly the greatest dad.

I mean, when she was a kid,
I was always here working.

Kind of lost track of her
school stuff and everything.

That sounds like a lot of dads.

You know, when Joanie was alive,

she kept things together.

Remembered the birthdays
and planned the holidays,

and just kept the peace.

But since she's been gone,

Lucy and I just... well, drifted.

Okay, but she cared enough
to check up on you.

Well, that's true.

I mean, you reached out to her,
and now, she's reaching out to you.

Invite her to Thanksgiving.

No, she won't want to come.

Ask and find out.

What if it gets all tense,
and we don't know

how to talk to each other?

Well, I'll be there,
to keep things light and fun.

I'll be your Joanie.

You don't have the hips for it.

Dude, it's Thanksgiving.

It's important for you to
spend time with family.

You're not going home.

Well, I didn't say
it was important to me

to spend time with family.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

Dude, just ask her.

All right, fine.

I'll invite Lucy if you invite your dad.

You know what? I will.

You know what?

I didn't think you
would agree so quickly.

You know why? I didn't think it through.

You know what?

I'm gonna ask her.

Okay. I'm calling my dad.

(pushes door)

(exhales)

I'm calling!

Just checking.

Name cards. Fancy.

Yeah. Trying to make sure
the people who are supposed

to be together are together.

Like Arthur and Lucy.

Hmm.

Franco and Sofia?

Look, if it happens, it happens.

The kids would be beautiful, though.

Oh, put me next to Lucy.

Come on, Tush,
I got a whole thing worked out, man.

But I need help breaking the ice.

The last time I flirted with
her didn't go very well.

That's 'cause you hit on
her at her mom's funeral.

Yeah, the only woman I picked
up that day was Joanie.

I was a pallbearer.

Hey.

I think it's great you invited your dad.

He ain't gonna be here long anyway.

- How come?
- Well, he tries to hit

as many Thanksgiving
dinners as possible.

You know.
He goes to his blind uncle's for turkey,

uh, you know, his cousins for ham,

and back to his blind
uncle for more turkey.

Using a different voice.

Hey, Fawz. What are you doing here?

I thought you were having
dinner with your family.

Already did. At : a.m.

So I could be first
in line at the Target

to get the hot new
video game for my son.

He's doing so well in the third grade.

Straight As?

No idea.

But he buys everything
from the vending machine,

and then, at recess,
sells it back at three times the price.

(laughs) He's a hustler.

Just like his old man.

Tonight,

I'm gonna buy a hug from him.

It's a good thing you bundled up.
It's freezing out there.

Yeah, well, that's why I came
in here to fill up my thermos.

(moans)

Oh!

That's gonna warm up the old giblets.

Wish me luck.

- Good luck.
- Good luck.

What's up, Lu?

Hi, everybody.

(gasps) Randy.

Oh. I heard you were coming.

This woman taught me everything I know.

She showed me how to roll
a joint with one hand

- and unroll a condom with the other.
- Ah...

I heard that.

Oh, shut up, Arthur.

We got the weed from your bedroom.

Oh, so that's where it went.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Ain't this beautiful?
- Huh?

♪ Don't you want to give your daughter ♪

♪ A nice Thanksgiving hug? ♪

(grunts)

I don't think anything touched anything.

Look, I brought Mom's turkey dish.

How did you get here?
Take the toll road?

Right. Like I'm gonna pay
for the privilege of driving?

You make your old dad proud.

Hey, Franco.

See you still looking like
a petrified pineapple.

Uh... sup, uh, Dad?

I didn't... I didn't think
you were coming till later.

Yeah, well, I went by your Aunt Vilma's,

and there was a white
family in the dining room.

Turns out, your Aunt Vilma moved
to Joliet and didn't tell me.

So, I split.

After I grabbed a couple of biscuits

from Mr. and Mrs. White.

- I assume that's their name. You-you know...
- Yeah.

Okay, well, look, w-we'll eat fast,

'cause I know you got a
bunch of families to hit up

before the day's over.

Nope. Turns out,

there's a Wicks family
reunion in Detroit,

and they didn't tell me
about that, either.

So I'm gonna be here all day.

Oh, that's so nice!

Why don't you give your dad
a nice Thanksgiving Day hug?

Whoa, oh... careful.

I got biscuits.

Hey, hello, Arthur.

Last time I was here,
this place was an art gallery.

Now, you serving Thanksgiving dinner.

Do you ever actually sell donuts?

(laughs)

Hello, Reggie.

- (mouths)
- You know, Dad,

if you gonna be here,
you-you got to behave.

All right? I'm-I'm trying
to get them two together.

REGGIE: Oh.

So it's one of those kind of dinners.

Well, I'll take the foxy brunette.

No, man.

That's his daughter.

They haven't talked to each
other in years, all right?

He spends Thanksgiving by himself,

usually eating Chinese
food in his underwear.

So...

trying to get him to reconnect.

Oh. So you want to play Dr. Phil.

Well, fill that.

Let's go talk to Lucy.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

(quietly): Oh, man, I am nervous.

We kind of figured that
when we saw you dressed

like a toddler taking
his picture at Sears.

(grunts)

So, what does that mean,

you're working in the gig economy?

Well, Lucy, it's kind of complicated.

I'm not sure I can
explain it in a single...

Is it like odd jobs?

Yeah.

Lucy, so,
tell me something about yourself.

What do you do for fun?

Well, I like to travel.

Uh, I go to the theater.

Real cool. Right, Arthur?

Yeah, she was a good actress
in high school.

I loved you in Carousel.

I wasn't in Carousel.

Oh. Good 'cause it was terrible.

I was the director.

Oh.

Ah, I should've known that.

Look, I-I know I wasn't
always the greatest father.

Dad, we don't have to go there.

You invited me for Thanksgiving,

- which is really nice...
- Mm-hmm.

...and we haven't been
together for a couple years,

so why don't we just enjoy it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Hell yeah. A'ight.

Come on, let's eat.

Oh, no.

- What?
- What?

I left the turkey on the train.

It's probably pulling
into Addison right now.

Who thought that when we put
Tush in charge of the turkey

that there'd be a problem?

Reggie, you don't even know me.

You look dumb, son.

Okay, it's cool.

We brought plenty of side dishes.

I brought candied yams.

I wasn't sure how you were
gonna be splitting this up,

so I brought yams, too.

All right. We still got...

Yams.

Yams.

Mote de queso.

Colombian yams.

Ah!

Don't mistake this for affection.

I need to warm up.

And why me?

Because you have the most body hair.

You're like a fur-lined sleeping bag.

Fawz, why aren't you in
line for that video game?

I was just so cold and so hungry

and then this homeless
man walked up to me

and I thought, "Why am I complaining?

I have so much and he has so little."

That's beautiful, man.

So I paid that frozen bastard bucks

to stand in line for me.

By the way, I had a hunch that
Tush would screw up the turkey.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he did.

- So I stopped at the store.
- And you got turkey?

(laughs) They were out.

I got yams.

All right, this is a bust.

Shall we meet later on
for a terrible Christmas?

No, no, no.

No one's going anywhere.

I'm going to get some food.

Turkey's on the train,

daughter's in California...

Luckily, I brought wine.

Mm. You got wine.

Well, I got biscuits.

Hmm. You guys are on your own.

(cell phone rings)

Ah! It's my mom again.

Wait, you're not gonna answer that?

Yeah, like I need
another two-hour lecture

about me not going home.

Maybe you do.

You only have one family, you know.

And one life, which I'm trying to live.

Well, you wouldn't even have
that life if it wasn't for me.

I mean, your mother.

What's happening right now?

I don't know,

but you are this close
to being grounded.

Guess who got the turkey?

(all cheer)

Sandwiches.

(all groan)

This is a terrible Thanksgiving.

I could've stayed with
Mr. and Mrs. White.

A'ight, come on, y'all. Here.

Randy. Sofia.

Guy I don't know.

It's Dave.

This doesn't have onions, does it?

I'm allergic.

Dave, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be
holding my place in line.

Don't worry.
I put a mannequin torso there.

(quietly): She's my girlfriend.

Damn it, I got to get that game.

My son's gonna be so mad,
he'll never loan me money again.

Okay, look, before we eat,

let's, uh, share
what we're all thankful for, okay?

I'm thankful to be
with such kind people.

Get out, Dave!

- What would your mother say if she saw these?
- Yeah.

Her Thanksgiving dinners
were always perfect.

Well, except for the stuffing.

Wait, you didn't like it, either?

Are you kidding?

I used to suck on dryer sheets

just to get the taste out of my mouth.

See, ain't this nice, Arthur?

Nice? This is a mess.

I'm sure he had a better
time the last couple of years

eating Chinese food in his underwear.

Wait, sorry.

You were home eating Chinese food?

When I invited you to
have dinner at my place,

you said you were going to Aunt Betty's.

Uh...

Tush, what are you thankful for?

That I'm not you right now.

So you just blew me off?

- Look, it's very complicated.
- No, it's not.

You lied so you wouldn't
have to spend time with me.

God! Why did I come here?
I'm such an idiot.

REGGIE: Hey, hey.

If you're gonna take the "L",
check for that turkey.

- Oh, that was a disaster.
- Not for me.

I got the game!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

It was a mob scene and I made
the mistake of getting between

a heavyset woman and a
two-dollar ice cream maker,

but when I finally dislodged
myself from between her bosoms,

there was one game left and I grabbed it

right out of the hands
of a six-year-old girl.

You did all that for your son?

FAWZ: Of course!

And I can't wait to see
the look on his face

when he sells it for ten
times the retail price.

I know an unhappy little girl

who might be in the market for one.

I never should've let you
talk me into this, kid.

So, it's actually my fault

that you decided to ditch
your daughter on Thanksgiving?

- Oh.
- Why would you do that?

I just wasn't thinking straight.

Arthur, you have to fix this.

Take it from me, you don't want to spend

another Thanksgiving
without your daughter.

And think of it from her side.

I'm sure she feels the same way.

I know I'm starting to
miss my family today.

You are?

Yeah. And I'm sure your
daughter misses you, too.

We get wrapped up in our own lives,

but it doesn't mean we don't love you.

Well, maybe sometimes we
just need to hear that.

I'm gonna call my mom.

I'm gonna call my daughter.

Let's never fight again.

Well...

that explains why she's not into me.

I should've never gave
her that other biscuit.

Yo, Randy's right, man.

Go and talk to Lucy.

Yeah, but she's so mad at me now.

So the hell what? I've been mad
at this dude my whole life.

- That's true.
- Yeah, he's horrible.

- I can be.
- Uh-huh.

But he's still my dad.

It's never actually been tested.

If I can get along with him,
you can get along with Lucy.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Give it a sh*t.
- Here, take that.

Look, Franco, I'm-a take off, too.

You know,
and I appreciate you inviting me.

You know you the only
person in this family

that didn't shut me out today?

Still my dad,
even though you do mess up.

Please. I've actually done worse.

Remember that time I
threw you in the pool

and told you that's how you
gonna learn how to swim?

Then I realized I couldn't swim myself.

(laughs) Thank God
for that rescue dog, huh?

That happened?

I thought that was a
movie you took me to.

(laughs) Please.

Like I ever took you to a movie.

(laughs)

I'll see you on Christmas, son.

Hi.

Um, you forgot your turkey.

Also, I wanted to tell you

why I didn't come to your Thanksgiving.

The truth this time?

You think I'd take the toll
road to come over here and lie?

You know, uh,

Thanksgiving was your
mother's favorite holiday,

but that first one after she d*ed,
I was a wreck.

And I didn't want to
put you through that.

Oh, so you did it for me.

I was a wreck, too, you know.

Didn't you think we
could be wrecks together?

Yeah, I know, I know.

I-I was just being selfish, you know?

I mean, she was good
at the emotional stuff.

- That was never my thing.
- Really?

The guy who,
when I was upset I got my period, said,

"I'm gonna go make a pot of coffee."

And never came back.

Anyways, she's not here to
make this work right now,

so I guess it's up to us.

So what do we do?

Well, if a holiday comes
around and you miss her,

chances are I do, too.

So maybe stop by and see if I'm okay.

I could do that.

We're not done.

No more lying. All right?

Okay, you got it.

I didn't go to Carousel.

You're lucky.

It was terrible.

(chuckles)

Dad, I'm glad you came.

Yeah, so am I.

I know it was hard for you,

especially paying the toll.

$ . , they should
wash your car for that.

(chuckles)

Do I smell turkey?

Uh, no, uh, but speaking of turkey,

who wants chicken?

What?

- I thought we'd make a new tradition.
- Oh.

Oh, thank God, I'm starving.

So, you want to talk
about your period now?

I'm good.

What are you guys still doing here?

Franco found a pizza
place that was open.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle.

How'd it go with Lucy?

Well, we made up for lost time.

She told me all the places
in our house she had sex

while I was working.

Guess I deserved that.

Anyway, thanks for helping us get there.

By the way, Arthur, I don't think

it's gonna work with me and Lucy.

I'm not great with women

whose dads have scarred them for life.

I mean, I'm good,
but I'm no miracle worker.

I'm sure she'll be crushed.

Sofia, stop trying to force this.

You and me, never gonna happen.

Let's raise a slice

to the three most
important things in life.

Family, friends, and...

The controllers!

I forgot the controllers!

I have to go back.

If you never see me again,
it was a six-year-old.

And I want her tried as an adult.