04x05 - How to Chew Quietly and Influence

[bunniefuu]

So, you want to be a
secretary for a talent manager.

- Yes. Very much.
- Great.

You're up.

- Excuse me?
- Go ahead. I'm all ears.

Oh. Well, what would you like to know?

Give me a minute.

Do you have a natural flair
for meticulous organization?

I'd say yes. Yes, I do.

Great.

You excuse me again?

Can you always be depended upon
to do what you say you'll do?

- Yes, certainly.
- Fantastic. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Perhaps you'd like to see my résumé?

Excellent, yes, let's take a gander.

Three pages, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- [SNORTS]

Come on. Some of this
is bullshit, right?

Then I went to Brooklyn College,

where I got my B.A.
in English literature.

Very good.

And... why do you want to work here?

Many reasons. But first
and foremost, I'm excited

to get in on the ground
floor of a growing business.

Growing business.

Okay, that's putting a
sh*t-ton of pressure on me.

Do you have any questions
you'd like to ask me?

Um, what will a typical
workday look like?

Will you excuse me a minute?

Every one of these
broads, they can type,

they graduated from
someplace, they sit nice.

I got this book with questions
to ask. It's no f*cking help.

All the girls give the same answer,

because they all probably
got a f*cking book, too.

You ever hire anybody?

- Sure, lots of people.
- Well, what kind of stuff

do you ask, so you know who to pick?

That depends. You got
to tailor the questions

to the specific job.

Yeah. How, Fred? How?

Well, when I hired a guy
to paint my apartment,

- I asked if he had a ten-foot ladder.
- Okay.

But I didn't ask that
when I hired my tax guy

or the girl to get my brother
laid after his divorce.

You don't need a ladder for those jobs.

Fred, did you ever hire
anybody at William Morris

in a professional,
show-business capacity?

Not per se.

- I'm hanging up.
- Wait.

You should definitely
see how the person chews.

- What?
- I'm serious.

You're going to be in close
quarters with this girl,

with snacks and whatnot,
munching and crunching,

day in, day out.

If they chew loud, you're doomed.

My shorthand is excellent,
and I type words per minute.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm friendly but I'm firm.

Your time is precious,
and I'll be the gatekeeper.

There will be no
unwarranted interruptions.

Yes, that is all very interesting.

Very interesting.

- Hey, you hungry?
- Uh, no, not really.

'Cause I was about to
eat this, but now...

why don't you have it?

Thank you, no, I just had lunch.

I'll cut it up for you.
I got a pocketknife.

That's very nice, but really, no.

Oh, come on, it's nice and crispy.

To be honest, I'm actually allergic...

Eat the f*cking apple!

♪ ♪

[FRUSTRATED GRUNT]

- Papa, are you up?
- Who is it?

It's me, Abe.

- It's not you.
- [KNOCKING]

- Stop that, please.
- It's not me.

Did I wake you?

Sorry, I figured you'd be reading.

Your mother made me turn out my light.

Now, what is it?

I need some help, but
I'll ask you tomorrow.

No, it's fine. I was just lying there

thinking about how she
made me turn out my light.

I just can't get my
checkbook to balance,

- and it's driving me crazy.
- What's going on?

Nothing. Miriam can't
balance her checkbook.

Why on earth would
you have her doing that

- in the middle of the night, Abe?
- I live in a Dr. Seuss book.

I'm sorry I got you up. Back
to bed, you two. Night night.

I can't sleep when your
father's just lying there

thinking about how I made
him turn out the light.

- Then let me turn on my light.
- Fine, I'll sleep on the couch.

Do not sleep on the couch. It
wears out the cushions faster

- than just everyday sitting.
- Then I'm going back to bed.

[SIGHS] Where's the checkbook?

In the kitchen.

It's been weeks. You
have to stop fighting.

Who's fighting? I'm simply recalibrating

my entire relationship with your mother

based on information she previously
chose to keep secret for years.

Okay. Could you stop that, then?

It comes out different every time.

- Always terrible but never the same.
- Ugh.

What's this?

Is it better if it's a one or a seven?

It's less bad if it's a seven.

Call it a seven.

And this is what you're getting paid

for selling all that Tupperware?

It's no way to get rich,
but I did win an aquarium.

Which has been surprisingly
expensive to maintain.

I sold the most pastel
Wonderliers in my region.

- Mm-hmm.
- I also won those toasters and a salad spinner.

And surely you've seen
the two large dalmatians

in our living room.

Do you think Joel could try
to contribute a little more?

He's doing everything he can, Papa.

[SIGHS] Well...

There's your balance.

Uh, that's if the number was a seven.

And that's if it was a one.

I think even Ethan
could have helped you.

Thanks, Papa. Really.

Could I bring my book in here and read?

Sure.

I'll forgive your mother in the morning.

For God's sake, the woman
owns a Chanel sleep mask.

[PHONE RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Looks like it's gonna be four debates.

Kennedy-Nixon?

- He's such a creep.
- Which one?

Nixon. Mei.

They both have skeletons.

You are not voting for Nixon.

I am not voting for Nixon.

He looks like he eats children.

- [RINGING CONTINUES]
- Thank you.

- [KNOCKING]
- Ethan wants one of these Etch A Sketch things,

but they're $ . , and he'll
break it in, like, a day.

- [KNOCKING]
- What's an Etch A Sketch?

- [DOORBELL BUZZING]
- You draw on the screen with the knobs,

then you shake it,
and the picture erases.

What's the point of that?

- [RINGING, KNOCKING, BUZZING]
- To teach kids that nothing lasts.

- Joel!
- What?

You're not even gonna answer the door?

- Nah.
- Come on!

- [BUZZING]
- We discussed this.

It could be another one of Ma's girls.

- If I open it, I'm as good as engaged.
- It could be a delivery.

- They'll leave it.
- Someone could steal it.

- [KNOCKING]
- Nothing lasts.

What do you do at the club?

- Shh.
- Why?

In case they're listening at the door.

If the phone rings at the
club, you have to answer it.

People want to come in,
you have to let them in.

There's a protocol for
women of childbearing age.

If they want to talk to me,
Mrs. Moskowitz screens them

with a series of discreet questions.

- Oh, my God.
- The system's worked for weeks.

- Why question it now?
- Because it's demented.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Because it's...

Aah! I'll do it!

- Do what?
- I'll meet your parents.

Just answer the phone!

- No. We can wait my mother out.
- We can't.

We can. She's getting
older. She has limited wind.

We need our lives back, Joel.

- My life is fine.
- Well, mine isn't.

This is dumb. I mean, you said it.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- We're in a... a...

Relationship.

Yes. That. Sure.

They have to know.

Make a date. End the madness.

I'll just move again.

A moving target will confuse her.

- [HANGS UP PHONE]
- [RINGING STOPS]

Set it up. Today.

I'll be at the movies.

Just in case.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Susie? Oh. Sorry.

I just need to talk to
you when you're done.

- No, now's a good time.
- Should I wait outside?

Nah. You ain't getting the job.

- Oh. Okay, thank you.
- No. Thank you.

- What's with your phone?
- Nothing. Why?

I've been calling all morning.
All you get is a busy signal.

sh*t. You need a secretary.

What do you think that was?

[GRUNTS] What's up?

- This.
- What is that?

This is my invitation
to Shy Baldwin's wedding.

Why the f*ck would you be invited

- to Shy Baldwin's wedding?
- You tell me.

I don't know. They're
working off an old list?

- Then you would've been invited.
- And I was not invited.

- Susie.
- I guess I was invited.

Why the hell was I invited
to Shy Baldwin's wedding?

And it's three days from now.

Basic wedding etiquette
dictates invitations go out

days prior to the
event, at a minimum.

I'm sorry, you're offended
that you were invited

at the last minute to a
wedding you don't want to go to?

Yes. Who wouldn't be?

- Me.
- And not only am I not going,

I'm RSVPing "yes" and then not going,

just to screw up his count.

You're a monster.

That thing's a waste
of a nice gilded edge.

You know what? Maybe we should go.

- Go? Are you kidding me?
- There's no way

there's not an open bar, some good food.

You are not serious.

He kind of owes us, you know?

You could get your picture taken there,

get some good exposure
and some good cake.

I am kind of curious to
see the whole spectacle.

And I am really curious to
drink a lot of free booze.

Did you see that?

- See what?
- So you didn't?

- The smoke?
- So you did.

- I did.
- Damn.

- Damn it.
- Were we not supposed to?

Of course you were, but not then. Later.

[YELLS]

It's no good! I can't...

What was I... How am I supposed...

Breathe it out.

It was on four, not three.
Just have to remember to count.

[TAKES DEEP BREATH]
I'll just try it again.

I'm looking pretty good
to you right now, aren't I?

I got a net. I should save for Ethan?

We have saying back home:

"Never too early for child
to learn how to bury."

Mm. Let's just flush him and
let his memory be a blessing.

Do we have any matches,
Zelda? This is dangerous.

I saw Miss Miriam has matches
in her bedroom. I'll get them.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- I'll get it, Zelda.

- Weissman residence.
- [WOMAN SPEAKING FAINTLY ON PHONE]

Mm, this is she.

Well, of course.

I'd be very happy to
meet with Mr. Melamid.

Certainly, any time he'd like.

Today's fine.

Half an hour. I can be ready by then.

It's Riverside Drive in Manhattan.

[WOMAN] Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Thank you.

Goodbye.

As it turns out, I don't
have time for tea after all.

There's a car coming for me.

I have business in Scarsdale.

Please tell Mr. Weissman
when he comes home.

Okay, I'll tell him you went
outside to do your business.

I'll just leave a note.

[DORIS DAY: "NICE WORK
IF YOU CAN GET IT"]

♪ Holding hands at midnight ♪

♪ 'Neath the starry sky ♪

♪ Nice work if you can get ♪

♪ And you can get it ♪

♪ If you try ♪

- Just over there, ma'am.
- Thank you.

♪ Strolling with... ♪

Mrs. Weissman.

Solomon Melamid.

I'd, uh, shake your hand, but mine is...

- straight from the horse's mouth, shall we say.
- [LAUGHS]

- Anyway, welcome.
- Rose Weissman.

- [NEIGHS]
- It's a pleasure.

Cut it out, Zephaniah.

Don't let him scare you.

Oh, it takes more than a
little showing off to do that.

I grew up with horses. In Oklahoma.

- And I see you wore sensible shoes.
- Well, there's nothing elegant

about landing on your
backside in the mud, is there?

I can tell, you know a thing or two.

Join me in a walk?

- [LOUD NEIGHING]
- Now, that...

[MAN] Whoa, boy!

... is Copper Jack, my prize stallion.

A stable boy walked a mare
past his stall this morning.

Poor devil got a whiff,
and he hasn't been able

- to calm himself since.
- Hmm. Your house, my goodness,

it's even more stunning than
it looked in Town & Country.

My great-grandfather
had it built in .

We throw on another
wing from time to time...

birthdays, Hanukkah.

Hmm, your family's in
the railroad business.

Railroad, shipping, steel.
We're eyeing aviation.

Innovation's key. Stagnation is death.

You're a businesswoman;
you know all this.

- Oh, yes, I am. I do.
- [CHUCKLES]

Mrs. Weissman, I wanted to meet you,

because your impressive
match for my lawyer's daughter

did not escape my notice.

Norma and Lorraine, my two daughters,

are and years old.

Oh!

- Uh, sorry.
- No, don't be.

Their mother cries herself
to sleep every night

wondering where she went wrong.

Well, you've come to the right place.

Trees with a few more rings on them

happen to be a specialty of mine.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

That's good to hear.

[LOUD NEIGHING]

I think we're gonna have
to give him Starlight

just to calm him down.

Horses are easy.

You throw them together, a little noise,

maybe a stall door needs
repairing, and that's that.

If only it were as
simple with daughters.

- Tell me about them, your girls.
- Well...

Norma has a penchant for stable boys.

- She's the Starlight of the family.
- I see.

Lorraine, the younger one,
she got kicked in the head

by a horse as a child,
so she's an easy mark.

We've had a lot of schemers
and gigolos who look at Lorraine

and see the goose that
laid the golden egg.

- [CHUCKLES] She almost married an actor.
- Heavens.

I got him a job on the road
promoting Ford Thunderbirds.

He's in Alaska as we speak.

But they aren't all
so easily disposed of.

You just need someone to
screen out the schemers

and find the man who will love Lorraine

for who she is and not what she has.

And I need to be able to
bring my daughters' husbands

into the family business.
They can't be idiots,

- or obvious idiots.
- Well, Mr. Melamid,

I assure you I can
find some very nice men

who are not obviously idiots

and will make Norma
and Lorraine very happy.

Oh, yes.

Happy, that would be good, too.

Not a deal breaker, but a nice bonus.

Mrs. Weissman, I am appointing you

director of the nearly bankrupt
division of Melamid Industries

known as my daughters'
marital prospects.

Good luck. And if it's any incentive,

the extended Melamid family
is large, rich and homely,

so there could be a lot of
Melamid matches in your future.

Well, then I'd better get right to work.

Where are Norma and Lorraine now?

In the city.

They live together there
like a pair of ex-nuns.

I'll set up meetings right
away to get to know them.

Please tell Mrs. Melamid I
said she should start thinking

about the centerpieces.

One more thing.

Respectability is of
the utmost importance

to the Melamid family.

We value decency,
dignity and discretion,

and we assume you and
your family do as well.

- Yes, of course, Mr. Melamid.
- Good.

Call me Solomon.

John!

Send Edgar to give Mrs. Weissman a tour.

Make sure you see the swans.

They are bastards but
they are beautiful.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hello?

Is anybody home?

Miriam?

[MAN] [IN DISTANCE] Ice
cream, get your ice cream here.

[CHILDREN'S CHATTER IN DISTANCE]

[MAN] I got chocolate, I got vanilla.

[MAN CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[CHILDREN'S CHATTER
CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]

♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop,
ba-dop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪

♪ She was afraid to
come out of the locker ♪

♪ She was as nervous as she could be ♪

♪ She was afraid to come out... ♪

- You're late.
- It's my chauffeur. He fired himself.

[WHISPERS] I had to take a cab.

- Okay, so...
- Did you hear what I said?

A taxicab.

Susie... I'm exhausted.

I had to hail it myself.

I had to put my arm up in the air,

I had to leave it there
until the cab pulled over.

I had to open my own
door. I had to duck down...

It sounds harrowing,
but it's over. Now focus.

- Mm.
- Look over there.

That is Mike Carr. He
books The Gordon Ford Show.

Hmm, not unattractive.

You are not gonna f*ck him.
You're gonna meet with him.

Now, I got to make sure
you are ready for this.

Let me see your eyes.

Well, at least they're
spinning in the same direction.

Did you take your meds,
or stop taking them,

- whichever makes you less nuts?
- Yes, both.

Because if you screw this
up, all that's left for you

is to be my secretary, and
you'd be a lousy secretary.

Now, come on.

♪ It was an itsy-bitsy,
teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot... ♪

Mike Carr? Susie Myerson.

Finally. I was about to leave.

You would've missed out on
the meeting of a lifetime.

When I went to a
bullfight with Hemingway,

that was the meeting of a lifetime.

I don't know what the f*ck this is.

Then, let me introduce you
to the g*dd*mn living legend,

Sophie Lennon. Sophie, Mike.

I started out with ten minutes for you.

I waited seven, so now I have three.

- I like him.
- Great. Sit.

Ooh! [GROANS]

You okay?

Have you ever taken a cab?

Ignore her.

Mike, when's your birthday?

Day before Christmas.
It's a f*cking curse.

How would you like it to be next week?

What's the angle here?

I thought you said no sex.

What I am offering you today is a gift.

An unprecedented interview
with the great Sophie Lennon.

Unprecedented?

She's been on every g*dd*mn
talk show in the country.

I have. I've been on
Sullivan nine times.

Yeah, I heard about
you being "on Sullivan."

He said he was leaving his wife.

I am not talking about some
run-of-the-mill interview.

Is that what you think Gordon does?

Run-of-the-mill interviews?

- [CHUCKLING] Mike.
- Keep walking.

- Mike, listen...
- There's no heat on her.

Okay? It'd be like
booking an iceberg, sorry.

- And I accept your apology.
- Don't talk.

Mike, just listen to
me. This woman here,

she had a nervous breakdown.

- That's your pitch?
- She went from being

the highest-paid
comedian in this business

to a punch line herself
in one f*cking night.

Complete career su1c1de.

You telling me that story
doesn't interest you?

Well, sure, but we can't talk
about that sh*t on the show.

- Why not?
- Because you can't.

Who says?

I don't know, uh... America?

f*ck America.

You book Sophie on that
show, she will give Gordon

the kind of interview no other star

in her right mind would ever agree to.

I am not in my right mind, that is true.

- She's got stories, Mike.
- So?

My mother has stories. I
wouldn't book her, either.

Who'd you have on the
show last night, Mike?

Let me answer that... a blonde starlet

and a boring-ass director.

The night before that,
a red-headed starlet

and a boring-ass novelist.

And they're all plugging something.

They talk about their shitty
movie or their boring book,

how everyone they work with is a genius

and how everybody in
Hollywood is best friends.

And maybe they throw in
a semi-embarrassing story

about getting locked out of their house,

wearing only a towel, then you go

to a commercial, sell some cigarettes.

Well, Sophie Lennon
has f*ck-all to plug.

She's got nothing to lose.

So she is gonna open up her
walk-in closet of skeletons

and introduce them all to
the world in living color.

And her publicist isn't gonna stop her

'cause her publicist quit last week.

It's risky.

If it's a disaster, I'm
the one that goes down.

Gordon's been stuck at number
two since the beginning.

He does something ballsy like this?

He's number one and you're the one

who made him number one.

If it doesn't work, sure, it's your ass.

But if he stays number two,
aren't you getting fired anyway?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Give me a card.

Got one right here.

Uh, wait, I got a...
[CLEARS THROAT] new number.

And the printer f*cked up.
There's no "Q" in "Myerson."

Stay by your phone.

Did that go well or badly?

I do not think you're gonna
need to be my secretary.

[SIGHS]

- [LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CROWD CHEERING]

[MEN CLAMORING]

What would you like to drink?

Very cold water, please.

You get water, I still
have to charge you.

And there's a two-drink minimum.

Water... and two sherries.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Bubble, bubble,

toil and trouble.

Ooh!

Everyone nice and lubricated out there?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

How you doing in the cheap seats?

- [MAN] All right!
- All right.

Now I just want you to
think about something.

Especially you with your hand

precariously close to your crotch there.

Every girl you see working tonight,

- shaking their moneymakers...
- [CHEERING]

- has a father.
- [AUDIENCE GROANING]

That's right, me, too. I have a father.

Goes by Abraham.

He thought I'd grow up
to be the perfect lady.

And here I am, slinging d*ck jokes

in a strip club to a bunch of drunk men

with various degrees of syphilis.

So happy Father's Day!

- [LAUGHTER]
- [APPLAUSE]

[YAWNS]

You're home late.

- You're up late.
- Where have you been?

We went out to get
something to eat after work.

- We?
- Me and Susie.

Oh, so no boyfriend.

Well, if you squint.

Late-night dining sounds very glamorous.

I ate my grilled cheese
with my pinkie up.

Where are you going?

You're certainly not
gonna eat again, are you?

You'll lose your figure.

Then you'll never get a boyfriend.

I already have a shadow, Mama.

There's something I
need to discuss with you.

Something that can't wait till morning?

I'm exhausted.

It's : a.m. It is morning.

This is me falling
asleep on the counter.

I have a new matchmaking client.

Solomon Melamid, of the Melamids.

- Are you listening?
- Uh-huh, Mallomars.

Melamids.

Miriam, wake up. This is important.

He has two unmarried daughters
and he's richer than God.

Sounds great. Mallomars
sound better, but...

He's a very important man.

- He's very concerned about discretion.
- Uh-huh.

And I have promised him that
I am nothing if not discreet.

- I will do nothing to embarrass him.
- Uh-huh.

I won't.

However...

What?

I'm thinking things are
gonna get a little loud.

I don't want to wake the kids.

You were saying?

Your career thing.

- Yep.
- It's a problem.

Mallomars don't like jokes?

Well, they don't like strip clubs.

You've been hiding it from
us, so you must understand

- where they're coming from.
- Where'd you get that?

Your room. It's full of them.

You're snooping in my room,

like I'm ?

No, you didn't lie and sneak
around when you were .

I never lied about the club.

I just didn't tell you the details.

I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

A rubber girdle is uncomfortable.

Stumbling onto a box
of newspaper clippings

linking your daughter to a strip club

for all the world to
see is excruciating!

It's pretty hard to stumble onto
a locked box in a closed drawer.

So you were hiding it.

No. I wasn't hiding my box

of my clippings in my apartment.

You mean the apartment your father

and I bought back for you.

That's your cover story
for something you're hiding.

Well, it's not a cover story if
you don't use it consistently.

Yes, I am working at a strip club.

- So you're a stripper?
- No, I am a comic.

Solomon Melamid will
think you are a stripper.

Well, then he'll be very
disappointed by my act.

Miriam, hear me.

There are dozens of rich,
homely girls in the Melamid clan.

And all four of Solomon
Melamid's sisters are widows.

Suspicious? Fine. I don't care.

This large, sad family is a cash cow,

and I want to milk it.

Who's stopping you? Grab a pail.

I can't because my
daughter's a stripper.

Are we really gonna do this again?

What else do I call a woman
who performs at a strip club?

An emcee, a comic,

a jokester, a card,

a gagster, a wag, a wit...

Would you go to a dentist whose
office was in a whorehouse?

Okay, the sun is coming up

and I have to talk to Ethan's
teacher at : about the odds

of him getting out of
kindergarten on the first try,

so let's wrap this up.

What do you want me to do here, Mama?

- Quit.
- No. I am a comedian.

Well, comedian somewhere else.

The Wolford pays me.

It's regular money and I
can do my act the way I want.

Why not just go back to the Gashole?

The Gaslight. That's a basket house.

There's no money there.

I don't see how Mallomar's
even gonna find out about this.

He'll read about you in the paper.

I doubt he reads L. Roy Dunham.

Mr. Melamid reads everything.

Well, even if he does,
we have different names.

- Weissman, Maisel.
- L. Roy Dunham is a journalist.

He will track down your identity
and he will eventually print it.

Well, que será, será.

Miriam, my job is very important to me.

I could be on the verge
of something very big here.

Me, too.

♪ ♪

- [LAUGHTER]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

sh*t.

Yeah. It's f*cking fabulous.

Here.

You kind of f*cked up the
floral arrangement there.

[GRUNTS] There, now
it's truly f*cked up.

We're off to a productive start.

- Bar?
- Bar.

[BARTENDER] What can I get for you?

What's your most expensive Scotch?

I think that would be
the Balvenie , sir.

That one. Uh, make it a double.

A triple. Hey, what's
your top shelf gin?

- Throw some of that in there, too.
- I'll have the same.

- But with a cherry.
- Your most expensive cherry.

Two cherries, please.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Let's do some business.

Hello, boys.

Mrs. Maisel, Miriam, hot rising comic.

Get in there, honey.

- Oh, she is something, huh?
- [PHOTOGRAPHER] Smile.

Looks good in a bathing suit, too.

Boy! Legs and tits for days!

- [PHOTOGRAPHER] Okay, got it.
- Good?

You got it? Okay.

Uh, Susie Myerson and
Associates is her representation.

Well, that was sufficiently
gross and demeaning.

- You're welcome.
- Interesting combination.

What are they called?

Sweet Revenge.

Whoa!

This is definitely
gonna make me throw up.

Do it on the dance floor.

- Canapé?
- I can indeed.

Great portions here.

Eh, bucks right there.

- Heads up.
- Ooh!

- Oh, my God.
- Hmm?

Susie, it's Sidney Poitier.

- What? Where?
- There, front table.

Wow, and he's talking to, uh, Harvey.

- From the movie.
- Harvey was the rabbit.

But that is Jimmy Stewart.

Oh, my God, Jimmy
Stewart is sexy in person.

Ew. Oh.

Oh, my God.

- These are delicious.
- What are they?

I don't even know.

A little ball of
something that teaches you

what pleasure is even
if you've been half-dead

- your whole f*cking life.
- Excuse me.

Oh, no balls, just puffs.

Mmm, puffs are good.

Mm-hmm, I repeat, puffs are very good.

Oh, yeah.

I bet if you put a puff with
a ball and maybe some cheese...

Wait, hang on, we're not
supposed to be enjoying this.

- Are we?
- No, we're not enjoying this.

Are you crazy? We're just
eating and drinking...

Ah, f*ck, we are enjoying it.

All right, let's get back on...

Will you get out of here?

The lights are different, right?

- Yeah, something's happening.
- Good.

I thought it was the drink.

This sh*t has to be what
k*lled Toulouse-Lautrec.

Where's Carole? And
the rest of the guys?

I don't recognize a soul up there.

Hmm, must've gotten a new band.

[ANNOUNCER] Ladies and
gentlemen, may I please have

your attention as we
welcome for the first time

as husband and wife...

Mr. and Mrs. Shy Baldwin!

[ALL CHEERING]

[SHY BALDWIN: "CITY LIGHTS"]

[SINGERS VOCALIZING]

- He looks fat.
- No, he doesn't.

[SUSIE] His hair looks thin.

[MIDGE] No, it doesn't.

♪ And though I love that view ♪

♪ The city lights don't
shine as bright as you ♪

♪ Shine as bright, shine as bright ♪

♪ Come close to me, baby ♪

♪ Cool as the river ♪

♪ When you're here in my arms ♪

♪ Manhattan's getting dimmer ♪

♪ I know it sparkles, too ♪

♪ But city lights don't
shine as bright as you ♪

- ♪ Shine as bright ♪
- ♪ Paris at night ♪

♪ Don't shine as bright as you ♪

- ♪ Shine as bright ♪
- ♪ Nothing's a sight ♪

♪ That could shine as bright as you ♪

♪ Oh, Rome is all right ♪

♪ But them city lights
don't shine as bright ♪

♪ As you ♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

Did she just f*cking
curtsy? Is that what she did?

Are you watching this sh*t?

This drink is really growing on me.

Now look at this.

None of y'all had anywhere
else to go tonight?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Well, good.

'Cause now I get to gloat.

Look at the girl over there.

All right, now stop looking,

- 'cause she's mine.
- [LAUGHTER]

Mrs. Shy Baldwin.

I'm the luckiest man in the world, baby.

- [CROWD] Aw!
- And so,

in honor of my wife...
Boy, that is tough to say.

Um, I'll practice, I'll practice.

You just heard a
little of my new single.

[CHEERING]

And it's a special one
because the lyrics were written

by my boy Reggie Harris.

Which is fitting because
that man's been putting words

in my mouth since we were kids

begging his grandmom
to buy us ice cream.

[LAUGHTER]

He made me say I had heat stroke...

Cute story about a control freak

making his pal cheat an old lady.

... the people I'm closest to.

I feel your love.

And my heart is with you tonight.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Feel better?

- Yep.
- And now there's someone

else who wants to chime in here.

You know him, you love him.

It's my good friend,

Mr. Harry Belafonte.

- [CHEERING]
- [CLAMORING]

Yeah!

Someone good!

Shy, Monica,

I had a special song written for you.

And I'm gonna sing it
now, if nobody minds.

Three, four.

[HARRY BELAFONTE: "MAYBE MONICA"]

♪ What's the way to the
heart of a man about town? ♪

♪ Gets around now, he gets around now ♪

♪ What's the way when his feet
are too good for the ground? ♪

- ♪ Tie him down now ♪
- ♪ Maybe Monica swayed ♪

♪ She swayed ♪

- ♪ Maybe Monica played ♪
- ♪ She played ♪

♪ Maybe Monica knew he would
want more if she gave less ♪

♪ More or less ♪

♪ Maybe Monica prayed ♪

♪ She prayed ♪

- ♪ Maybe Monica stayed ♪
- ♪ She stayed ♪

♪ Doesn't matter what thing she pulled ♪

♪ She pulled it best ♪

♪ Baby made a maybe yes ♪

♪ Maybe yes ♪

♪ Baby made a maybe yes ♪

♪ Maybe yes ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ He was startin' to
head out to the club ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Have a ball and... ♪

Mei! I'm here!

Joel? Thank God.

Okay.

I got a dress.

I know. I got eyes.

It's got a skirt and bow, see?

There's birds on the top, kind
of a Peter Pan collar thing.

You look great.

You sure? I don't know.

The skirt is weird, and I
don't know what the bird is,

and why is this a Peter Pan collar?

I've seen Peter Pan,
I've read Peter Pan.

I don't get the connection.

Anyhow, I told the girl at the shop

that I needed a dress to meet my...

whatever you are's parents,
and she handed me this.

Great.

Are you sure?

'Cause it's really important
that this dress is right.

And while normally I don't
care what anybody thinks

about anything, I feel like
there's a lot at stake here.

- There's not.
- Of course there is.

Are you crazy? The first thing they see

is the dress and the
second thing they see is me,

so initially I asked
the lady at the shop

if she had a dress
with a matzo ball print,

which elicited exactly the
kind of response you'd think...

deafening silence...
so I just took this one.

You look perfect.

[SIGHS] My hair will be better.

So, if we get a cab within minutes,

we can be at my folks' place in time.

Or we can be a little late.

Shorten the length
of time we're exposed.

No! Oh, my God, we can't be late!

I want to do everything perfectly.

sh*t. Too colorful.

Is this too colorful? It's too colorful.

I couldn't see at the shop
that this was too colorful?

- Mei, should I make us a drink?
- Yes.

So I can be drunk and late
with a too colorful dress

and a Peter Pan collar. Thanks, Joel!

- Hey, you need to relax.
- Can't.

- You have to breathe.
- Nope.

I like what you're wearing.

But that's probably 'cause you're in it.

Unbelievable. You want to have sex now?

- No.
- That was your sex call.

- My what?
- Your sex call.

- I do not want to have sex.
- Is that because of the dress?

Please take me up on that drink.

I got together with Adina
Kritzer, from pathology lab?

She taught me some things
about Jewish culture.

But it's all dumped out of my head.

I had Yiddish. Now I have nothing.

You have Jewish culture
right here at your disposal.

I remember two words...
"tsoris" and "gefilte fish."

- That's all you need to know.
- I bought a yarmulke.

Mei, honey, girls don't wear yarmulkes.

What? f*ck.

That would've been good
for Adina to mention.

Bitch. And I'm pretty
sure all sales are final.

- I'll wear the yarmulke.
- It's pink.

We'll use it as a coaster.

I'm gonna try on the other dress.

And throw up. That's
the sound you'll hear.

Ignore it.

[MEI SIGHS]

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [SHIRLEY] Moishe,

it's Joely and his little girlfriend!

[MOISHE] She's here, Shirl!

- [SHIRLEY] Don't open the door!
- I'm gonna open the door.

- Don't open the door!
- I got to open the door, Shirl!

I want to see her at the
exact same time you see her.

Where is she?

She parking the car?

That's quite a greeting. Hi, Ma.

Well, where is she? What happened?

Did you break up?

- Let him talk, Shirl.
- She's feeling sick.

- What's the matter with her?
- She's sick.

It's nothing serious, but
there was a lot of sneezing.

I'm devastated.

I would've called ahead,
but she started feeling worse

in the cab, so I dropped
her back at her apartment.

Did she think she couldn't
be sick here? I'm a mother.

She wanted you to have this.

- She picked it out herself.
- Nice.

Your lady has taste.

Well, at least you can tell
us all about her over dinner.

You know, you haven't
even told us her name.

- It's Rachel.
- Ah, you have a cousin named Rachel.

- Different Rachel.
- [SHIRLEY] Rachel.

Such a nice Jewish name.

The nicest.

Your father has a cousin named Rachel?

Different Rachel.

Looks like he's got the
good kind of croutons.

m*therf*cker.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Be right back.

I have to powder my nose.

You know, the lighting's
better in the ladies' room.

Well, well, well.

Bigger mirrors, too.

You look surprised.

A little.

So my invitation was a mistake.

I don't know.

The PR team made the guest list.

Jerry Lewis wasn't invited either,

if it makes you feel any better.

- Not really.
- He came anyway.

Princess Grace is here. Did you see her?

- No.
- Oh, you will.

Hang out by the bar.

Monica looks beautiful.

She's a nice girl.

- She enjoys puzzles.
- Oh.

- Neat.
- Yeah.

Neat. I bought her a
house in Beverly Hills.

- Bought her a house?
- Well, I'm always traveling.

- She likes oranges.
- You should get her

a puzzle of an orange
grove. She'll lose her mind.

First wedding anniversary gift, covered.

And look at you.

A wedding, a dance, a song,

- and you hardly break a sweat.
- Ah.

The trick's keeping the
fabric on your clothes light.

Nat King Cole taught me that.

He didn't come.

I was looking around for the g*ng.

Lester, Tommy, Carole, Slim.

- Got 'em locked up somewhere?
- Uh, no.

- I have a new band.
- Why?

I wanted a new sound.

Because the old one was
such a disappointment.

You got to keep things fresh.

And they're a really great group.

You heard them out there.
They can really swing.

Yeah. They sounded great.

But you don't miss the g*ng?

You all just seemed like family.

You know what I miss?

I miss your brisket.

[CHUCKLES] I have not had
a decent meal since the...

Jack Ballard's not much of a cook, huh?

Jack Ballard's not
much of a comic, either.

No. He's not.

You had a good comic for a while.

Beginning of the tour.

Who was that? Trying
to remember. Oh, yes.

Me. What happened there?

Trying to remember.

I believe I can see a tarmac?

And in the back there, a plane?

- Was there a plane?
- There was a plane.

That's right. That big thing
sitting there full of people.

And it was missing a
couple of folks, right?

- Was it?
- Yep. It was.

You should've let me on that plane, Shy.

Oh, really? And why's that?

Because I had something to say to you.

Oh, I bet you had a lot to say to me.

When you fire someone,
they get mighty chatty.

Are you curious?

What I would've said if
I'd gotten on the plane?

Something about winged monkeys?

I would've said that I f*cked up.

I f*cked up

like I've never f*cked up anything

in a life not without its fuckups.

I would've said I was scared off my ass

getting on that stage,

and Moms Mabley went on before me.

Yeah, it's hard to follow Moms.

I was desperate for that laugh.

I was desperate to just
go out there and k*ll.

I just thought...

hometown crowd, talk about Shy.

So I did.

And I did k*ll, which was my job,

but I should have gone
in a different direction.

"Shy gives a lot of money

to abused children. In other
words, he pays his staff."

"Before every concert, Shy
spends half an hour going... "

♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi ♪

"And then he starts
his vocal exercises."

"Shy doesn't think he's
God's gift to the world,

but he does call his
suits his wrapping paper."

- I get it.
- You are a treasure trove of punch lines.

But I never would have hurt you.

Not on purpose. Not for
anything in the world.

I thought we were friends.

And I take my friendships
very seriously.

I know how loaded what I said was,

and if I could take it back, I would.

If you had just let me on that plane,

I would have said I was sorry.

And not to keep my job.
I'll get another job.

But because I was and
still am truly sorry.

If I'd have let you on that plane,

you would've brought Susie,

and she would've tried to
s*ab me with a cheese Kn*fe.

And I would have thrown
myself in front of you

and taken the blow.

And some Brie.

Well...

I sure have missed that brisket.

I'll send Monica the recipe.

You know, I'm back in the States

for a while again next month.

Cut another Christmas album.

Hmm. I know what to get
my mother for Hanukkah.

Maybe we could, uh, get together,

have a drink. I-I could take you to...

- No.
- No?

I'm not falling for that again.

We're not friends.

I have learned my lesson.

Congratulations.

I hope you're gonna be very happy...

Dwayne.

That's what I'm saying.

- Can we get out of here?
- Yeah, sure.

Bye. Thanks for the croutons.

- I ate everybody's croutons.
- [WOMAN] Who let them in?

Ladies, would you come with us, please?

We have invites.

They checked them at
the door and everything.

He still there?

- [MIDGE] Yep.
- [SUSIE] He still big?

- [MIDGE] Yep.
- [SUSIE] Mm.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Lou.
- Susie Myerson.

And Mrs. Maisel. It's nice to see you.

- What is this, Lou?
- [LOU] I want you to meet my associate,

Ken Bruni.

Ken is Shy's new agent over at MCA.

Very nice to meet you,
ladies. Enjoying the party?

- Up until our abduction, it was great.
- [LOU] [CHUCKLES] Well,

we just wanted to say hello

and fill you in on some exciting news.

Shy's going to be the lead
in Billy Wilder's next film.

Did you know he could act?

I thought today's
performance was pretty good.

[LOU] I'll cut to the chase.

Everyone here

is aware of Shy's proclivities.

But from now on, we're gonna help him

to stay on the straight and narrow.

Watch over him hours a day.

- Isn't that what Reggie does?
- [LOU] Reggie's gone.

Gone?

- Holy sh*t.
- [LOU] Look,

he's a good guy, Reggie. I like him.

But he's too close with Shy

to control him. There's
too much history.

And too much history
with the band, too, huh?

[KEN] Exactly. Shy fought
it, but eventually he realized

it was time to chart a new course.

All this because I cracked
a couple Judy Garland jokes

- at the Apollo?
- [LOU] No,

no, this has been a long time coming.

That night at the Apollo
just gave us an opening.

So, thank you.

Reggie got Shy to where he is now.

- You realize that?
- [LOU] Reggie's taken care of.

Big severance. We threw
him some publishing.

He's buying a house in Westchester.

- Everybody's happy.
- [SUSIE] Oh, I bet.

'Cause when you think
Reggie, you think Westchester.

All right, Lou. Suit guy.

- Ken.
- Thanks for filling us in

on a bunch of stuff we
didn't give a f*ck about.

Okay for us to go?

[KEN] Just another minute of your time.

We understand you and Shy
got pretty friendly on tour

and that maybe you saw some things.

One thing in particular
that occurred on a boat.

We know that you thought
you were helping him,

so the way it ended up with
you on the tarmac that night,

it doesn't seem right.
We want to make it right.

Okay.

How does $ , sound?

Two thousand dollars? Wow.

- You want to give me $ , ?
- [KEN] In exchange

for your signature on a legal agreement

stating that you won't
disparage or besmirch Shy Baldwin

in any way, publicly or privately.

You invited me so you could bribe me?

[KEN] It's not a bribe.
It's an agreement.

There is no way I would
ever take $ , from you.

Uh, yeah, right. f*ck
you and your $ , .

- How about three?
- Miriam?

- Nope. Three? Forget it.
- [KEN] Five.

Now, this is getting very interesting.

- Keep it.
- Yep.

We thought about it.
Not f*cking interested.

- Ten.
- Okay, Miriam, that's a car.

Three cars or one big, fancy German car.

- A shiny, n*zi Mercedes.
- No.

- No.
- f*ck! No.

Last and best. Twelve.

Oh, are there harps playing somewhere?

- I'm hearing harps.
- We're done here.

- We are?
- Yes.

- Come on.
- [KEN] We'd like you to reconsider.

The offer's gone as soon
as you walk out the door.

I promised Shy I would never tell anyone

about that night, and I haven't.

I promised Shy.

[SUSIE] Let's go.

- Unless you want to...
- I want nothing from them.

Yep, me, neither. Let's go. f*ck you.

Stupid idea to come here.

- Was that aimed at me?
- No. Yes.

- This was your idea.
- My idea? If it wasn't for you,

I wouldn't have found
my invite to this thing

for, like, ten months,
so this is your fault.

f*ck it. We're getting gift bags.

That's tacky. I bet there's
not even anything good...

Oh, my God, it's Chanel No. .

- Get one for Grandma Mary.
- Who?

Our grandmother who
couldn't come tonight

but was also invited
and loves Chanel No. .

- Got it.
- I'll meet you outside.

- Where the hell were you?
- I was looking for a cab.

You told me, "Meet me out front."

There weren't any cabs
out front, so I thought

I'd go around the corner
because I remembered

that whenever I shop at Bergdorf's,

I always go out the
side door to grab a cab

- before they turn onto Fifth.
- I got this cab on Fifth.

Well, it's not a foolproof plan.

Just get in the g*dd*mn car.

Next time, I leave you here.

[SIGHS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ Baby... ♪

- The till's over.
- Over?

That's not possible.
I did the count myself.

I counted twice. There's an extra five.

Give it. I must've screwed up.

- Thanks for catching it.
- [CASH REGISTER DINGS]

- You know this guy?
- Pop. What are you doing here?

I was in the area

seeing one of my notions
and trimmings guys

and thought I'd stop by.

Well, come on in. I'll spot you a drink.

Place looks good.

The decor, the ambience.
Very impressive.

Last time I was here, it
was covered in buttons.

- Couple of whiskies for me and my pop.
- You got it, boss.

"Boss." I like the sound of that.

- It does not get old.
- You know that the key

to a great relationship with
your employees is respect.

In order for them to be productive,

they got to think you
trust them unconditionally.

- Absolutely.
- But every one of them's a thief,

- so don't trust a single one.
- I know.

I put an extra five in the
till, and he called it out.

And didn't pocket it.
That means he's a keeper.

- I was taught by the best.
- [CHUCKLES]

Thanks.

Any chance your girlfriend's around?

No. It's crunch time at school for her.

- Always with the books.
- In the summer?

- It's medical school.
- Medical school.

Well, well, well.

She sounds interesting, this girl.

She is. She's great.

With a lot of different sides
to her. Conflicting sides.

- What?
- Well, the other night,

the first half of
dinner, she was Rachel,

sometime before kugel, she was Rebecca,

after kugel she was Ruth.
You kept them biblical.

- That was nice.
- I was nervous.

And I corrected myself.
You remember that, right?

I do. Just trying to think
when was the last time

I called Shirley Sheila or Trudy.

Or had to think for a couple of seconds

when somebody asked how we met.

Ma's questions come pretty
fast and furious, Pop.

- You know that.
- Mm-hmm.

Listen, so you know,

what I know is all I need to know.

- I don't know.
- You like her.

That's all I know.
That's all I need to know.

But keep in mind your
mother is very excited

about Rachel Rebecca Ruth,

and when she gets
excited about something

and that something disappoints her,

our house gets very small and loud.

- I get it.
- The good news is

your dinner appearance
got you a little reprieve

from her trying to set you up

with every single Jewish girl she sees,

including your cousin Rachel.

You can start answering
your phone again.

Great.

So, there really is a girl?

- Yes. There really is.
- Okay.

That's all I need to know. For now.

You got to open. I'll see you around.

- Thank you.
- How many are you?

[DINAH WASHINGTON: "TV
IS THE THING THIS YEAR"]

Welcome to The Button Club, folks!

- [CHUCKLES] Benny, who's your pal?
- Hey.

♪ If you want to have
fun, come home with me ♪

♪ You can stay all night
and play with my TV ♪

♪ TV is the thing this year, this year ♪

♪ TV is the thing this year ♪

♪ Radio was great, now
it's out of date... ♪

How you feeling? Feeling
good? Feeling strong?

[MOUTHING]

Are you trying to speak?

Tell me you did not
lose your f*cking voice.

I need to hear you say something.

I want to go home now.

All right, then, you're good to go.

In five, four, three, two...

Welcome back. Our next guest

is no stranger to you. Or to plates.

It's the comedienne Sophie Lennon,

but don't turn that dial...

- That's nice.
- ... because this is going to be

a fascinating conversation.

I'm gonna make sure.
Come on out here, Sophie.

- ♪
♪
- [APPLAUSE]

[MOUTHS]

So... Sophie Lennon.

Just how nutsy whacko are you?

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

I believe the official diagnosis

was "crazier than an outhouse rat."

[LAUGHTER]

- Good girl.
- [GORDON] Well,

my producers told me you'd
be forthcoming this evening.

- So far, so good.
- Great. So I can go now?

You sit right back down now,
lady. You're not going anywhere.

In fact, you and I
are gonna play a game.

- Ooh, a game.
- Just a little True or False.

I had my staff write down
some of the various rumors

we've heard about you over
the years, and there are

a lot of them. So,

I'm gonna read them,
and you are gonna say

- if they are true or false.
- Have at it.

- Here we go.
- [GORDON] Frank Sinatra wrote a song about you.

False. But it is true that I'm a tramp.

- [LAUGHTER]
- You once saved the life of a total stranger

- choking in a restaurant.
- False.

But I'm the one who made up that rumor,

and I'm glad to hear
it's still going around.

- [LAUGHTER]
- You own a -acre ranch in Montana.

[CHUCKLES] Honestly, who doesn't?

- [LAUGHTER]
- [GORDON] You punched Olivia de Havilland.

- She had it coming.
- [LAUGHTER]

- You punched Humphrey Bogart.
- Cried harder than Olivia.

- [LAUGHTER]
- You're an addict.

- [AUDIENCE GASPS]
- With multiple addictions.

It's a long list. You want to see it?

- No, Gordon, this is dead wrong.
- [GORDON] It is.

I can stop numbers three
and nine whenever I want.

[LAUGHTER]

[GORDON] Ah. Well,

it's good to know there's
no need to worry, then.

- Mm.
- You believe in intelligent life on other planets.

False. If there's none here,

why would there be
intelligent life anywhere else?

- [LAUGHTER]
- [GORDON] Very true. Next card.

Um, you provide financially
for your -year-old mother.

- Yes, that is true.
- And in exchange,

you have her do the ironing.

[SOPHIE] Well, when you stop working,

- you start dying.
- [ROSE AND ABE LAUGHING]

That part is not true, to be clear.

[GORDON] You forbid your employees

- from wearing certain perfumes...
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

- I'll get it.
- But you'll miss the show.

There should be a way to pause this.

Like, you have a separate box

recording the picture
and sound simultaneously.

It should be able to rewind, too.

[SOPHIE] That's funny.

You once canceled a performance

because you couldn't find your Seconal.

[SOPHIE] Uh, no, I could find

my Seconal. I just
couldn't find the stage.

[ABE LAUGHING]

Oh, that's lovely.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

It wasn't my fault. [CHUCKLES]

Oh! Uh, sorry. My stage manager, Maury,

is either practicing
for his dance recital,

or he's motioning to me that
it's time for our next guest.

But this being The Gordon Ford Show

and my being Gordon Ford,
I am making the decision

to bump our next guest
because I want to keep talking

to Sophie. Is that okay with you, folks?

[SOPHIE CHUCKLES]

- You got some more time for me, Sophie?
- Oh, I can even stay

and clean up afterwards
if you want me to.

[LAUGHTER]

So... what happened that night, Sophie?

The night of your big Broadway debut?

Hmm.

- I got scared.
- [GORDON] Well,

I think we can all understand that.

You were afraid that you'd fail?

I think I was afraid I'd be good.

- [LAUGHTER]
- It's not a joke.

I was ready for that chance.

I rehearsed and rehearsed, and...

You ever feel so close to
something you really want,

so close that you just can't stand it,

so you destroy it?
You-you blow it all up?

No.

Well, I glad you haven't,
and I hope you never will.

Hmm. Put that on your plate, g*ng.

- [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
- Let's take a short break.

You're watching The Gordon Ford Show.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
- ♪
♪

- [LAUGHTER]
- [SOPHIE] I told you so.

- [GORDON LAUGHS]
- Right?

- All right. One last question.
- Indeed.

- Yes. Mm-hmm.
- On behalf of millions,

are we ever gonna see
Sophie from Queens again?

Sophie from Queens?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Hey. Heck,

Sophie's having a comeback!

She's running after her
career, yelling, "Come back!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

But, you know,

I would like my fans to
get to know me, Gordon.

I'd like for them to spend some time

with the real Sophie Lennon.

She's fun, too.

Well, you've been a lot of
fun here tonight, Sophie.

A real gamer. You are a true legend

in this business. And
who here is perfect?

Certainly not me. Took a
lot of guts to come out here

and talk with me today,
and I want to thank you.

I look forward to seeing
what you're doing next,

'cause I will be watching.

- Sophie Lennon, everyone.
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

[WOMAN] We love you, Sophie!

[ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES]

Who are you?

I'm here for the
interview. I had a : .

- Today?
- Yeah.

f*ck.

You do need a secretary.

You've been here since : ?

: . I didn't want to be late.

Wow.

You've been waiting for seven hours?

- Okay, you're hired.
- I am?

Congratulations. You want a beer?

Do I still get the job if I say no?

- Yep. You start tomorrow.
- What time?

I don't know. What time do jobs start?

You're probably sleeping late, so : ?

Good call.

- See you tomorrow.
- Hey,

your first job is gonna be
to tell all those other broads

- they didn't get the job.
- Fine by me.

- Make it : .
- See you at noon.

- [ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES]
- Hey, wait, what's your name?

[ELEVATOR WHIRRING]

You taking Eighth? There's
construction on Eighth.

I'm not taking Eighth.

Huh. Felt you turn right.

That would put you on Eighth.

Oh, look at that. You're on Eighth.

- Get off of Eighth?
- Yes, ma'am.

- Wait. Wait, stop.
- What?

Pull over. sh*t.

[THE BANGLES: "HERO TAKES A FALL"]

♪ The hero is exposed when ♪

♪ His crimes are brought
to the light of day ♪

♪ Won't be feeling sorry, sorry, sorry ♪

♪ On the judgment day ♪

♪ Wasn't it me who said ♪

♪ There'd be a price to pay ♪

♪ And I won't feel bad at all ♪

♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪

♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪

♪ Your mother told you stories ♪

♪ You substitute with
girls who tell you more ♪

♪ Suddenly your
sycophants are chanting ♪

♪ Slogans at your door ♪

♪ We're seeing through you now ♪

♪ I saw it all before ♪

♪ And I won't feel bad at all ♪

♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪

♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Emotion is a virtue ♪

♪ For you, it is the one fatal flaw ♪

♪ Sitting on your throne and drinking ♪

♪ Thinking she'll return your call ♪

♪ Every story's got an ending ♪

♪ Look out, here it
comes, here it comes ♪

♪ And I won't feel bad at all ♪

♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪

♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪