06x07 - Eb's Double Trouble
Posted: 03/23/22 09:54
(Green Acres theme)
- And now what else Eb?
- Oh Mrs. Douglas needs
a loaf of white bread.
- Sliced or unsliced?
- Are those the only
two kinds you have?
- Yeah.
- It's a big decision.
- If it ain't right I'll
have to bing it brack.
- You can't bing back
bed, uh, brack bing.
What else do you need?
- Let me see, uh?
- Excuse me, I'm
looking for Mr. Drucker?
- That's him.
But I'm younger.
(audience laughs)
- I'm Carol Kenworthy.
- Oh well it's nice to see
ya, I've been expecting ya,
welcome to Hooterville.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, welcome.
(cans clatter)
- Ab, you clumsy!
- Instead of hollering at me,
why don't you introduce me
to the beautiful young lady?
- Miss Kenworthy
this is Eb Dawson.
- Hi.
- Eb this is Miss Kenworthy
our new school teacher.
- School teacher wow-ee.
- Eb do you want something else?
- Yes sir, a pencil box,
a composition book,
a lunch pail and twelve erasers.
(audience laughs)
(Green Acres theme)
♪ Green acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Good bye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(Green Acres theme)
- What do you want
with your coffee?
- Well I'd like, -
Keep it simple.
- Toast, is that simple enough?
- Under normal
circumstances yes.
But not today.
- Why not?
- Eb didn't bring back the bed.
(audience laughs)
- What?
- I sent him for a loaf of white
but he didn't bing it back.
(audience laughs)
- We have whole wheat bead.
Uh, bread.
- I'm sorry I can't make
whole wheat toast.
All I know how to make
is white bread toast.
- You make whole
wheat toast the same way.
You just put the whole
wheat bread in the toaster.
- We don't have a
whole wheat toaster.
(audience laughs)
- We don't have a
whole wheat toaster?
- I just said that.
- Just put it in the
toaster, it'll do both.
- Maybe you're right,
it says light and dark.
I guess you set it to the
light for the white bread
and dark for the
whole wheat bread.
- You figured it out.
Not well, but
you figured it out.
- I could have
figured it out before
if you didn't throw
away the instructions.
- Yeah I'm sorry.
- Living with you isn't easy.
- Uh Lisa.
(playful music)
Eb where have you been?
(sighs)
- Drucker's Store
- Well what took you so long?
- I stopped to fall in love.
- He stopped to fall in love.
- There he goes with
the instant replay again.
Who's the girl Eb?
- Her name is
Carol Kenworthy and
what's burning?
- Oh oh the toast.
- Golly Mrs. Douglas
you oughta now better
than to put whole wheat
bread in a white bread toaster.
(audience laughs)
- He told me too.
- You should now better
than to listen to him.
(audience laughs)
- Look Eb I,
- As I was saying her
name is Carol Kenworthy.
She's the new school
teacher and she's beautiful
and I'm in love with her
- You just met her and
you fell in love with her?
- Why not?
Love ain't like booze, you
don't have to age it in a cask.
(audience laughs)
- What a poetic way to put it.
(audience laughs)
You used to say
things like that to me.
- I never said anything like,
- Would you like to meet her?
- Yeah, sometime.
- How 'bout now,
she's out in the car.
- She's out in the?
- She's gonna be living here.
- What?
- Well I thought it'd be
handy having the woman I love
living near me.
I'll go get her.
- Oh I'm terribly
sorry Miss Kenworthy,
but Eb mislead you, we
don't have an extra room.
- She can have my room.
- And where are
you going to sleep?
- I'll move my crib
into your room.
(audience laughs)
- Eb will you just relax.
Now I'm sure we'll be able to
find a room for you somewhere.
- Well I hope so, you see
I'm anxious to get settled.
This is my first teaching job.
- I wanted to be a teacher
but my father wouldn't let me.
He said, it wouldn't look right
for the daughter of the king
to be teaching the peasants.
- Oh boy.
- You're father was a king?
- Well not a full time king,
you see he looked very much
like the real king so every
time there was a revolution
they'd shove my father
out on the balcony
and they let him sh**t at him.
That's the way he worked
his way through college.
(audience laughs)
- There's a piece of
history you might want
to teach the kids in your class.
- Oh I'd be glad to come
and tell them myself.
- That would be very nice.
- This ain't getting
Carol a room.
- Well let me call
around and see what.
(knocks)
Excuse me.
Oh hello Mr Kimble.
- Hi Mr Douglas.
Oh how are you Mrs Douglas.
Say you changed your
hair, it's very becoming.
- That's Miss Kenworthy,
the new school teacher.
- Oh, how are you
Miss Kenworthy.
(audience laughs)
It's about time we got a
good looking school teacher
around here (chuckles)
- That's Mr Kimble
our county agent.
- Well how do you do Mr Kimble?
Boy what a coincidence, you
have the same name as my name
and you're a county
agent too huh?
- I'm not a, - Why bother.
- What can we do
for you Mr Kimble.
- Who you talking to, him or me?
- You.
- Let's see, oh yes, I
stopped in at Sam's store
and he tells me there's a
new school teacher in town.
- This is she.
- Oh gee, glad to, - Stop, she.
- Oh you're the new
schoolteacher, huh?
I'm sorry I am a
little confused today.
- Today?
- Well I didn't sleep all night.
I had this horrible nightmare,
I dreamed that I was living
at some foreign country
and I looked just like the
king and there was a revolution
and they shoved
me out on the balcony
and the pheasants
were sh**ting at me.
(audience laughs)
- Why that's the same thing
that happened to my father
but in real life.
- Say, maybe you
two are related?
- To what?
- To?
- Anyway, Sam tells me
that you're looking for a room.
- Yes I am.
- Yeah maybe I can help you out.
My mother has a spare
room at our house.
- Ah, do you think
she'd rent it to me?
- Why not, she used to
rent it out to my father.
(audience laughs)
that's a family joke.
(laughs)
- I thought you
were the family joke.
(audience laughs)
- Oh that's very funny.
Well not funny, it's sick.
- It would be very nice, Mrs
Kimble has a lovely house.
- Well if you think your
mother would rent me,
- Oh I'm sure
she'd be happy too.
My mother always wanted
a daughter around the house
and well if you
came and moved in
I wouldn't have to wear
a dress on Sundays.
(audience laughs)
- A dress?
- Don't worry Miss Kenworthy,
his mother has all her marbles.
(playful music)
(Green Acres theme)
(dishes clatter)
(knocks)
- Coming,
oh hello there darling.
- Hi Mrs Douglas is Eb here?
- No he went over
to Mr Kimble's house.
- Oh well I really
wanted to see you.
I need an older women's advice.
- I'll tell her when
she comes in.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I didn't mean that,
well I meant someone a
couple years older than myself.
- Oh well then you came
to see the right person,
what's your problem?
- Well Eb invited me to
the Y dance Saturday night
and this is the only
thing I have to wear.
And I wonder if you
think it looks alright?
- Well why don't you go into
the bathroom and slip it on.
(dishes break)
It's a lot easier than
breaking them by hand.
(playful music)
- what do you think?
- Well it's, - You're
right, it's a mess.
- The trouble is that
you've got a pretty figure
and all this bows and
sashes are covering up
all the good stuff.
- Well I wouldn't want to
wear anything to daring.
- I didn't mean daring.
When you wear a dress, you
shouldn't come right out with it.
You have to hint at it.
- I don't understand?
- Let me show you.
This is a hinter.
No this is a come
right out with it.
(audience laughs)
Here is what you need.
A hanger-onner, you can have it.
- Oh no, you might need it.
- No, I can still hang
on with what I've got.
(audience laughs)
- Wait til Eb sees me in this.
- Are you stuck on him?
- I like him better
than any boy I know.
Mrs Douglas,
has he ever said anything to you
about how he feels about me.
- He said a couple of times
how much he likes you.
- Really?
Did he ever mention
anything about marriage?
- Sweetheart that's one
word men never mention,
they go through life like
there was no such word,
it's up to the woman to
drag the word out of them.
- How do you do that?
- I tell you how I did
it with Mr Douglas,
we were going
together for two years
and my mother started to
complain about all the free dinners
he was having in our house,
so one night when he came over
before he could
say what's for dinner,
I said, guess who's
wedding we're invited to?
And he said, who's?
And I said, ours.
And before he could
uncross his eyes,
we were on our honeymoon.
(audience laughs)
- Oh Mrs Douglas,
- Maybe it wasn't
quite like that.
Well if you need anything
else, just let me know.
(fun music)
- Eb,
Eb,
Eb?
Eb?
- Eb?
- What the?
- Who're you looking for?
- Well is there another
Eb around here?
- I don't know let's find out.
Eb?
Eb.
- You stop.
Now where have you been?
- I went over to the Kimble's
to help Carol get settled.
- You've been
gone over two hours.
- She took a lot of settling.
I had to unpack her
clothes, draw her a bath
and paint her room.
(audience laughs)
- Settle her on your own
time, we got a lot of work to do.
- Mr Douglas can I have
an advance on my salary?
- No.
- But I've got a date
with Carol Saturday night,
I'm taking her to the Y dance.
- I hope you have a
good time, now if we,
- Eb, Eb, you had
a visitor, Darlene.
- Who?
- The girl you've
been going with.
- What's her name again?
- Darlene Wheeler,
you know Eb I think
she's in love with you.
- What was her name?
(audience laughs)
- May we please get to work?
- I loaned her a
dress for the dance
you're taking her
to Saturday night.
- Holy Dear Abby,
I forgot I asked her.
Now I've got two dates.
- Well aren't you lucky now,
- Who's the other date with?
- Carol.
- But you just met her today.
You hardly know her.
- I drew her a bath
and painted her room.
(audience laughs)
- Can we please
get started it's almost.
- You can't do that to Darlene,
you invited her weeks ago.
- That was BC.
Before Carol.
- You've been watching
Hee Haw again.
(audience laughs)
- Well you just have to tell
Carol that you can't take her.
- But Mr Douglas
I don't want to.
- Let's get to work.
- How can I work with
this hanging over my head?
- Would you be able to work
if you have unemployment
hanging over it?
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- That's right just sit
there and read your book
as if nothing has happened.
- What?
- You men are all alike.
- What are you
picking on me for?
- You're a man aren't you?
- Well yes but.
- Making a date with one
girl and throwing her over
for another.
- I didn't make a
date with anybody.
- Like father like son.
- Eb isn't my son and don't
blame me for his fickleness.
- Then how taught
him how to fickle?
(audience laughs)
- I don't know maybe he's
just a natural born fickler.
(audience laughs)
- This isn't the first
time you've done this.
- I haven't done anything.
- What about the time you
stood me up for the red head?
- I never stood,
oh yeah, yeah, the red head.
- Inviting me to the Barrister
Ball and then you call me up
and you told me
you couldn't take me
because you had the measles.
- I did.
- Then how come you went
to the dance with the red head?
- The doctor said the only
thing that would cure my measles
was dancing with the red head.
(audience laughs)
- Now what kind of a
doctor would say that?
- Any good witch doctor.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know what I
did that whole night?
I stayed home and cried.
- Oh Lisa,
I, I might have dated the
red head but who did I marry?
(soft music)
- Alright you're forgiven.
- Oh thank you.
- Now, now that that is settled,
what Ab and Darlene and Carol?
- Let them get another
guy and make a movie of it.
Night.
(playful music)
- How does this one
sounds, I call up Darlene
and tell her I can't
take her to the dance
because I have a
rare Scottish disease
called the Highland
Flu and I'll see her
as soon as I'm better,
then I take Carol.
- I don't think Darlene is
gonna believe you have
something called
the Highland Flu.
- Why not, you're wife believed
you had the red headed
dancing measles?
(audience laughs)
- Look I just had,
- You don't happen to remember
the name of the
witch doctor do ya?
- Eb, let's just finish up here.
- Yes sir.
How does this idea sound?
I pick up Darlene and take
her to supper in a restaurant
when the check comes I
tell her I forgot my money
I have to go home and get it.
- Eb she's not gonna believe.
- I leave her there
and pick up Carol
and take her to the dance
and have one fast dance
with her and then I tell
her I have to go home
because I left the water
running in my bathtub.
- Eb you gotta be out of your,
- I rush back to the
restaurant, get Darlene,
and take her to the dance,
when I get to the front door
I tell her I forgot my
tickets I have to go home
and get them,
I'll leave her there
and rush around to the back door
and have another
quick dance with Carol.
How do you like it so far?
- Let's reduce this to it's
simplest common denominator,
- What does that mean?
- If you'd rather go to
the dance with Carol
all you have to do is go
over and tell Darlene the truth.
That you're sorry but
you're taking somebody else.
- I don't think that
was very good advice.
- What's wrong
with telling the truth?
- That's pretty strange
coming from a fellow
who had the red
headed dancing measles.
- Will you forget that and
let's not discuss this any more.
The whole problem is solved.
No it's not.
- Howdy Mr Douglas, Mrs Douglas.
- Howdy Mr Zippo.
- Oh hello there Arnold.
(oinks)
What's the matter with Arnold?
He isn't his usual kipper self.
- Chipper.
- No he ain't he's
in a mess of trouble.
Tell them about it Arnold.
(oinks)
- Oh that's terrible.
- If it wasn't for Curly
Lambert I'd wash my hands
of the whole affair.
- Who's Curly Lambert?
- Annabelle's father.
- Who's Annabelle?
- The sow that Arnold's
been going steady with.
(audience laughs)
- Oh she's cute.
- Look if you'll excuse me, I
- Don't go yet, we
need your advice.
(oinks)
It ain't always stupid Arnold.
(audience laughs)
- What happened?
- Well, Romeo here
made a date with Annabelle
to take her to a dance,
(audience laughs)
- To a?
- So Annabelle come over to
the house and Doris fix her up
with a new ribbon for her tail.
Meanwhile, dimwit here,
goes over to Crabbella Corners
and meets Penelope.
- Who's Penelope?
- She's the sow that works
in the pool hall racking balls.
(audience laughs)
- How can a pig rack?
- So, Arnold invited
Penelope to the dance,
forgetting about his
date with Annabelle.
- I don't believe
this whole thing.
- Anyway, Arnold
wants to get out
of his date with Annabelle.
So I thought you might think
up some kind of excuse for him.
- I'll give him the
same advice I gave Eb.
Tell him to tell Darlene.
(oinks)
- He wants to know
who Darlene is?
- Uh, Penelope.
(oinks)
- He doesn't want to break
the date with Penelope,
he wants to break the
date with Annabelle.
- Well whoever it is, let
him do what I told Eb to do
just tell her the truth.
- Tell her the truth?
- That's what Mr
Douglas said I should do.
- That sounds like the
kind of stupid advice
he would give.
- Do you have any
suggestions Mr Haney?
- Well, there's
several things to do
in cases of mal du mare.
- Mal du mare?
- Sickness of the mare.
That's French for love.
You've heard the
expression, la mare, la mare,
tu jour la mare.
- Oh yeah,
- Now since you want to
break your date with Annabelle,
- Who's Annabelle?
- I'm sorry, that's
the girl that Arnold is
having la mare trouble with.
- The girl I'm having
trouble with is Darlene.
- Nah here's what I'd
suggest, I want you to,
by the way do you got
any money with you?
- Yes sir, three dollars.
- Oh that's too
bad, all I've got
is a five dollar suggestion.
- I didn't know you were
gonna charge me for advice.
- Oh I'm forced to
being a charter member
of the love
counselors of America.
- Don't you have any
three dollar advice?
- Come to think of it I do,
may I have the
three dollars please?
- There you are, now
what's your advice?
- First you go over
to Darlene's house
and borry another
two dollars from her.
- Mr Haney I,
- Now after you get the money,
then you tell her that you'd
like to take her to the dance
but your wife is unexpectedly
returning from Schenectady.
- I don't have a
wife in Schenectady.
- The town is not
important, it's the sincerity
with which you tell her.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(knocks)
- Oh yes?
- My name's Wheeler,
I'm Darlene's father.
- Oh yes, yes.
- Your son Eb was just
over to see my daughter
and broke a date with her.
- Well he's not my,
- The girl has hysterics.
- Well I'm sorry but I,
- Maybe you don't
care about your kid
but I'm not letting
my daughter go out
with any boy who has a
wife in Racine, Wisconsin.
- Racine?
- And if he ever
comes near her again,
I'm gonna punch him in the nose.
- No you're not gonna
punch him in the nose,
- Alright if you want
to stand in for him.
(punches)
(fun music)
- Why did you have to tell him
you had a wife in
Racine, Wisconsin?
Because I didn't know
anybody in Schenectady.
- That makes sense.
- Why did you tell Darlene
a story like that anyway?
I thought you were
gonna tell her the truth?
- Mr Haney said that
was a stupid suggestion.
- Stupid?
- Anyway it worked, I'm
off the hook with Darlene
and now I can take
Carol to the dance
with a care free conscience.
(playful music)
(dishes break)
- What's the matter Eb?
- I just had my rug
pulled out from under me.
- What happened?
- Carol, she's not going
to the dance with me.
- Why not?
- Her boyfriend's coming
in for the weekend,
she's going with him.
- That's too bad.
- Now I don't have
anybody to go with.
- Well, you never should
have burned your bridgework
behind you with Darlene.
- Yeah,
- Maybe if you went over
and apologized to Darlene
and told her the truth.
- What is the truth?
I've been living a lie
for so long I've forgotten.
- Well, tell her that
you are not married
and that you are sorry
that you made up that story,
- It's worth a try.
- Take her a box of
candy or some flowers.
- Thanks ma.
(audience laughs)
- He's a good boy.
(dishes break)
- Here you are get your
apologizing candy here.
A box of apologizing,
oh excuse me Mr,
could you be
interested, oh it's you Eb.
- Yeah.
- Where you going?
- Over to see
Darlene and apologize.
- Without a box of candy?
- Look Mr Haney I'm in a hurry.
I've got to convince Darlene
that the story I
told her wasn't true.
I'm not really married.
- Oh that should be easy to do.
- Do you think so?
- Yeah, especially if you
have a divorce certificate
to show her.
- I don't have one.
- You don't have a
divorce certificate?
Hark what is this that
has sprung into my hands?
Well I'll be horned diddled.
It's a authenticated,
fairly legal looking,
certificate of divorce.
Now you just show
her this and she'll know
that you're no
longer legally married.
- Mr Haney I,
- And all its gonna cost
you is just eight dollars.
- Eight dollars, I don't
have any money?
- That's all right, we'll just
charge it to Mr Douglas.
Now what was the
name of that city
that you was married in again?
- Racine, Wisconsin.
- Racine, Wisconsin.
(Green Acres theme)
- We need a little brown
piece with a yellow edge.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
- How 'bout this one?
- That's green.
- Oh it'll work.
(hammers)
There you are.
- Well, now you got a
yellow tiger with a green ear.
- Hi.
Is there any booze?
- What?
- My life is a shambles.
- Didn't Darlene
make up with you?
- Yeah.
- Then why have you
got down in your mouse?
- Maybe he's been
chewing on his pillow?
- What happened Eb?
- I went over to Darlene's
house and she didn't want
to talk to me
because I was married
but I finally
convinced her I wasn't.
I showed her my
divorce certificate.
- What divorce certificate?
- The one you owe Mr
Haney eight dollars for.
- You bought a?
- I finally blurted out
the whole sordid truth
and she forgave me.
- Then you're going
to the dance with her?
- No ma'am, - Why not?
- Well when I asked
her to go to the dance
she said she couldn't go
because we had to go to a wedding
and I said who's,
and she said, ours.
The next thing I know,
we're hugging and kissing
it was awful.
- I think it's wonderful.
- Just a second,
that wedding who's ours
routine sounds familiar,
Lisa did you?
- Congratulations Eb.
- Lisa did you?
- Darlene's a wonderful girl,
when is the wedding?
- We really didn't decide that.
Well I'm going to sleep.
Maybe I can dream
my way out of this.
(playful music)
- Alright Lisa, let's uh.
- Would you like to
finish the jigsaw puzzle
or do you want to go to bed?
- I want to talk to you.
- That wasn't one
of the choices.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa did you plant that
idea in Darlene's head?
- Well I might
have mentioned it,
I thought if it worked
once, it might work again.
- Lisa you are, - I'm what?
- Hungarian.
(audience laughs)
- Well he won't be mad long.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(Green Acres theme)
- [Zsazsa] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.
- And now what else Eb?
- Oh Mrs. Douglas needs
a loaf of white bread.
- Sliced or unsliced?
- Are those the only
two kinds you have?
- Yeah.
- It's a big decision.
- If it ain't right I'll
have to bing it brack.
- You can't bing back
bed, uh, brack bing.
What else do you need?
- Let me see, uh?
- Excuse me, I'm
looking for Mr. Drucker?
- That's him.
But I'm younger.
(audience laughs)
- I'm Carol Kenworthy.
- Oh well it's nice to see
ya, I've been expecting ya,
welcome to Hooterville.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, welcome.
(cans clatter)
- Ab, you clumsy!
- Instead of hollering at me,
why don't you introduce me
to the beautiful young lady?
- Miss Kenworthy
this is Eb Dawson.
- Hi.
- Eb this is Miss Kenworthy
our new school teacher.
- School teacher wow-ee.
- Eb do you want something else?
- Yes sir, a pencil box,
a composition book,
a lunch pail and twelve erasers.
(audience laughs)
(Green Acres theme)
♪ Green acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Good bye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(Green Acres theme)
- What do you want
with your coffee?
- Well I'd like, -
Keep it simple.
- Toast, is that simple enough?
- Under normal
circumstances yes.
But not today.
- Why not?
- Eb didn't bring back the bed.
(audience laughs)
- What?
- I sent him for a loaf of white
but he didn't bing it back.
(audience laughs)
- We have whole wheat bead.
Uh, bread.
- I'm sorry I can't make
whole wheat toast.
All I know how to make
is white bread toast.
- You make whole
wheat toast the same way.
You just put the whole
wheat bread in the toaster.
- We don't have a
whole wheat toaster.
(audience laughs)
- We don't have a
whole wheat toaster?
- I just said that.
- Just put it in the
toaster, it'll do both.
- Maybe you're right,
it says light and dark.
I guess you set it to the
light for the white bread
and dark for the
whole wheat bread.
- You figured it out.
Not well, but
you figured it out.
- I could have
figured it out before
if you didn't throw
away the instructions.
- Yeah I'm sorry.
- Living with you isn't easy.
- Uh Lisa.
(playful music)
Eb where have you been?
(sighs)
- Drucker's Store
- Well what took you so long?
- I stopped to fall in love.
- He stopped to fall in love.
- There he goes with
the instant replay again.
Who's the girl Eb?
- Her name is
Carol Kenworthy and
what's burning?
- Oh oh the toast.
- Golly Mrs. Douglas
you oughta now better
than to put whole wheat
bread in a white bread toaster.
(audience laughs)
- He told me too.
- You should now better
than to listen to him.
(audience laughs)
- Look Eb I,
- As I was saying her
name is Carol Kenworthy.
She's the new school
teacher and she's beautiful
and I'm in love with her
- You just met her and
you fell in love with her?
- Why not?
Love ain't like booze, you
don't have to age it in a cask.
(audience laughs)
- What a poetic way to put it.
(audience laughs)
You used to say
things like that to me.
- I never said anything like,
- Would you like to meet her?
- Yeah, sometime.
- How 'bout now,
she's out in the car.
- She's out in the?
- She's gonna be living here.
- What?
- Well I thought it'd be
handy having the woman I love
living near me.
I'll go get her.
- Oh I'm terribly
sorry Miss Kenworthy,
but Eb mislead you, we
don't have an extra room.
- She can have my room.
- And where are
you going to sleep?
- I'll move my crib
into your room.
(audience laughs)
- Eb will you just relax.
Now I'm sure we'll be able to
find a room for you somewhere.
- Well I hope so, you see
I'm anxious to get settled.
This is my first teaching job.
- I wanted to be a teacher
but my father wouldn't let me.
He said, it wouldn't look right
for the daughter of the king
to be teaching the peasants.
- Oh boy.
- You're father was a king?
- Well not a full time king,
you see he looked very much
like the real king so every
time there was a revolution
they'd shove my father
out on the balcony
and they let him sh**t at him.
That's the way he worked
his way through college.
(audience laughs)
- There's a piece of
history you might want
to teach the kids in your class.
- Oh I'd be glad to come
and tell them myself.
- That would be very nice.
- This ain't getting
Carol a room.
- Well let me call
around and see what.
(knocks)
Excuse me.
Oh hello Mr Kimble.
- Hi Mr Douglas.
Oh how are you Mrs Douglas.
Say you changed your
hair, it's very becoming.
- That's Miss Kenworthy,
the new school teacher.
- Oh, how are you
Miss Kenworthy.
(audience laughs)
It's about time we got a
good looking school teacher
around here (chuckles)
- That's Mr Kimble
our county agent.
- Well how do you do Mr Kimble?
Boy what a coincidence, you
have the same name as my name
and you're a county
agent too huh?
- I'm not a, - Why bother.
- What can we do
for you Mr Kimble.
- Who you talking to, him or me?
- You.
- Let's see, oh yes, I
stopped in at Sam's store
and he tells me there's a
new school teacher in town.
- This is she.
- Oh gee, glad to, - Stop, she.
- Oh you're the new
schoolteacher, huh?
I'm sorry I am a
little confused today.
- Today?
- Well I didn't sleep all night.
I had this horrible nightmare,
I dreamed that I was living
at some foreign country
and I looked just like the
king and there was a revolution
and they shoved
me out on the balcony
and the pheasants
were sh**ting at me.
(audience laughs)
- Why that's the same thing
that happened to my father
but in real life.
- Say, maybe you
two are related?
- To what?
- To?
- Anyway, Sam tells me
that you're looking for a room.
- Yes I am.
- Yeah maybe I can help you out.
My mother has a spare
room at our house.
- Ah, do you think
she'd rent it to me?
- Why not, she used to
rent it out to my father.
(audience laughs)
that's a family joke.
(laughs)
- I thought you
were the family joke.
(audience laughs)
- Oh that's very funny.
Well not funny, it's sick.
- It would be very nice, Mrs
Kimble has a lovely house.
- Well if you think your
mother would rent me,
- Oh I'm sure
she'd be happy too.
My mother always wanted
a daughter around the house
and well if you
came and moved in
I wouldn't have to wear
a dress on Sundays.
(audience laughs)
- A dress?
- Don't worry Miss Kenworthy,
his mother has all her marbles.
(playful music)
(Green Acres theme)
(dishes clatter)
(knocks)
- Coming,
oh hello there darling.
- Hi Mrs Douglas is Eb here?
- No he went over
to Mr Kimble's house.
- Oh well I really
wanted to see you.
I need an older women's advice.
- I'll tell her when
she comes in.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I didn't mean that,
well I meant someone a
couple years older than myself.
- Oh well then you came
to see the right person,
what's your problem?
- Well Eb invited me to
the Y dance Saturday night
and this is the only
thing I have to wear.
And I wonder if you
think it looks alright?
- Well why don't you go into
the bathroom and slip it on.
(dishes break)
It's a lot easier than
breaking them by hand.
(playful music)
- what do you think?
- Well it's, - You're
right, it's a mess.
- The trouble is that
you've got a pretty figure
and all this bows and
sashes are covering up
all the good stuff.
- Well I wouldn't want to
wear anything to daring.
- I didn't mean daring.
When you wear a dress, you
shouldn't come right out with it.
You have to hint at it.
- I don't understand?
- Let me show you.
This is a hinter.
No this is a come
right out with it.
(audience laughs)
Here is what you need.
A hanger-onner, you can have it.
- Oh no, you might need it.
- No, I can still hang
on with what I've got.
(audience laughs)
- Wait til Eb sees me in this.
- Are you stuck on him?
- I like him better
than any boy I know.
Mrs Douglas,
has he ever said anything to you
about how he feels about me.
- He said a couple of times
how much he likes you.
- Really?
Did he ever mention
anything about marriage?
- Sweetheart that's one
word men never mention,
they go through life like
there was no such word,
it's up to the woman to
drag the word out of them.
- How do you do that?
- I tell you how I did
it with Mr Douglas,
we were going
together for two years
and my mother started to
complain about all the free dinners
he was having in our house,
so one night when he came over
before he could
say what's for dinner,
I said, guess who's
wedding we're invited to?
And he said, who's?
And I said, ours.
And before he could
uncross his eyes,
we were on our honeymoon.
(audience laughs)
- Oh Mrs Douglas,
- Maybe it wasn't
quite like that.
Well if you need anything
else, just let me know.
(fun music)
- Eb,
Eb,
Eb?
Eb?
- Eb?
- What the?
- Who're you looking for?
- Well is there another
Eb around here?
- I don't know let's find out.
Eb?
Eb.
- You stop.
Now where have you been?
- I went over to the Kimble's
to help Carol get settled.
- You've been
gone over two hours.
- She took a lot of settling.
I had to unpack her
clothes, draw her a bath
and paint her room.
(audience laughs)
- Settle her on your own
time, we got a lot of work to do.
- Mr Douglas can I have
an advance on my salary?
- No.
- But I've got a date
with Carol Saturday night,
I'm taking her to the Y dance.
- I hope you have a
good time, now if we,
- Eb, Eb, you had
a visitor, Darlene.
- Who?
- The girl you've
been going with.
- What's her name again?
- Darlene Wheeler,
you know Eb I think
she's in love with you.
- What was her name?
(audience laughs)
- May we please get to work?
- I loaned her a
dress for the dance
you're taking her
to Saturday night.
- Holy Dear Abby,
I forgot I asked her.
Now I've got two dates.
- Well aren't you lucky now,
- Who's the other date with?
- Carol.
- But you just met her today.
You hardly know her.
- I drew her a bath
and painted her room.
(audience laughs)
- Can we please
get started it's almost.
- You can't do that to Darlene,
you invited her weeks ago.
- That was BC.
Before Carol.
- You've been watching
Hee Haw again.
(audience laughs)
- Well you just have to tell
Carol that you can't take her.
- But Mr Douglas
I don't want to.
- Let's get to work.
- How can I work with
this hanging over my head?
- Would you be able to work
if you have unemployment
hanging over it?
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- That's right just sit
there and read your book
as if nothing has happened.
- What?
- You men are all alike.
- What are you
picking on me for?
- You're a man aren't you?
- Well yes but.
- Making a date with one
girl and throwing her over
for another.
- I didn't make a
date with anybody.
- Like father like son.
- Eb isn't my son and don't
blame me for his fickleness.
- Then how taught
him how to fickle?
(audience laughs)
- I don't know maybe he's
just a natural born fickler.
(audience laughs)
- This isn't the first
time you've done this.
- I haven't done anything.
- What about the time you
stood me up for the red head?
- I never stood,
oh yeah, yeah, the red head.
- Inviting me to the Barrister
Ball and then you call me up
and you told me
you couldn't take me
because you had the measles.
- I did.
- Then how come you went
to the dance with the red head?
- The doctor said the only
thing that would cure my measles
was dancing with the red head.
(audience laughs)
- Now what kind of a
doctor would say that?
- Any good witch doctor.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know what I
did that whole night?
I stayed home and cried.
- Oh Lisa,
I, I might have dated the
red head but who did I marry?
(soft music)
- Alright you're forgiven.
- Oh thank you.
- Now, now that that is settled,
what Ab and Darlene and Carol?
- Let them get another
guy and make a movie of it.
Night.
(playful music)
- How does this one
sounds, I call up Darlene
and tell her I can't
take her to the dance
because I have a
rare Scottish disease
called the Highland
Flu and I'll see her
as soon as I'm better,
then I take Carol.
- I don't think Darlene is
gonna believe you have
something called
the Highland Flu.
- Why not, you're wife believed
you had the red headed
dancing measles?
(audience laughs)
- Look I just had,
- You don't happen to remember
the name of the
witch doctor do ya?
- Eb, let's just finish up here.
- Yes sir.
How does this idea sound?
I pick up Darlene and take
her to supper in a restaurant
when the check comes I
tell her I forgot my money
I have to go home and get it.
- Eb she's not gonna believe.
- I leave her there
and pick up Carol
and take her to the dance
and have one fast dance
with her and then I tell
her I have to go home
because I left the water
running in my bathtub.
- Eb you gotta be out of your,
- I rush back to the
restaurant, get Darlene,
and take her to the dance,
when I get to the front door
I tell her I forgot my
tickets I have to go home
and get them,
I'll leave her there
and rush around to the back door
and have another
quick dance with Carol.
How do you like it so far?
- Let's reduce this to it's
simplest common denominator,
- What does that mean?
- If you'd rather go to
the dance with Carol
all you have to do is go
over and tell Darlene the truth.
That you're sorry but
you're taking somebody else.
- I don't think that
was very good advice.
- What's wrong
with telling the truth?
- That's pretty strange
coming from a fellow
who had the red
headed dancing measles.
- Will you forget that and
let's not discuss this any more.
The whole problem is solved.
No it's not.
- Howdy Mr Douglas, Mrs Douglas.
- Howdy Mr Zippo.
- Oh hello there Arnold.
(oinks)
What's the matter with Arnold?
He isn't his usual kipper self.
- Chipper.
- No he ain't he's
in a mess of trouble.
Tell them about it Arnold.
(oinks)
- Oh that's terrible.
- If it wasn't for Curly
Lambert I'd wash my hands
of the whole affair.
- Who's Curly Lambert?
- Annabelle's father.
- Who's Annabelle?
- The sow that Arnold's
been going steady with.
(audience laughs)
- Oh she's cute.
- Look if you'll excuse me, I
- Don't go yet, we
need your advice.
(oinks)
It ain't always stupid Arnold.
(audience laughs)
- What happened?
- Well, Romeo here
made a date with Annabelle
to take her to a dance,
(audience laughs)
- To a?
- So Annabelle come over to
the house and Doris fix her up
with a new ribbon for her tail.
Meanwhile, dimwit here,
goes over to Crabbella Corners
and meets Penelope.
- Who's Penelope?
- She's the sow that works
in the pool hall racking balls.
(audience laughs)
- How can a pig rack?
- So, Arnold invited
Penelope to the dance,
forgetting about his
date with Annabelle.
- I don't believe
this whole thing.
- Anyway, Arnold
wants to get out
of his date with Annabelle.
So I thought you might think
up some kind of excuse for him.
- I'll give him the
same advice I gave Eb.
Tell him to tell Darlene.
(oinks)
- He wants to know
who Darlene is?
- Uh, Penelope.
(oinks)
- He doesn't want to break
the date with Penelope,
he wants to break the
date with Annabelle.
- Well whoever it is, let
him do what I told Eb to do
just tell her the truth.
- Tell her the truth?
- That's what Mr
Douglas said I should do.
- That sounds like the
kind of stupid advice
he would give.
- Do you have any
suggestions Mr Haney?
- Well, there's
several things to do
in cases of mal du mare.
- Mal du mare?
- Sickness of the mare.
That's French for love.
You've heard the
expression, la mare, la mare,
tu jour la mare.
- Oh yeah,
- Now since you want to
break your date with Annabelle,
- Who's Annabelle?
- I'm sorry, that's
the girl that Arnold is
having la mare trouble with.
- The girl I'm having
trouble with is Darlene.
- Nah here's what I'd
suggest, I want you to,
by the way do you got
any money with you?
- Yes sir, three dollars.
- Oh that's too
bad, all I've got
is a five dollar suggestion.
- I didn't know you were
gonna charge me for advice.
- Oh I'm forced to
being a charter member
of the love
counselors of America.
- Don't you have any
three dollar advice?
- Come to think of it I do,
may I have the
three dollars please?
- There you are, now
what's your advice?
- First you go over
to Darlene's house
and borry another
two dollars from her.
- Mr Haney I,
- Now after you get the money,
then you tell her that you'd
like to take her to the dance
but your wife is unexpectedly
returning from Schenectady.
- I don't have a
wife in Schenectady.
- The town is not
important, it's the sincerity
with which you tell her.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(knocks)
- Oh yes?
- My name's Wheeler,
I'm Darlene's father.
- Oh yes, yes.
- Your son Eb was just
over to see my daughter
and broke a date with her.
- Well he's not my,
- The girl has hysterics.
- Well I'm sorry but I,
- Maybe you don't
care about your kid
but I'm not letting
my daughter go out
with any boy who has a
wife in Racine, Wisconsin.
- Racine?
- And if he ever
comes near her again,
I'm gonna punch him in the nose.
- No you're not gonna
punch him in the nose,
- Alright if you want
to stand in for him.
(punches)
(fun music)
- Why did you have to tell him
you had a wife in
Racine, Wisconsin?
Because I didn't know
anybody in Schenectady.
- That makes sense.
- Why did you tell Darlene
a story like that anyway?
I thought you were
gonna tell her the truth?
- Mr Haney said that
was a stupid suggestion.
- Stupid?
- Anyway it worked, I'm
off the hook with Darlene
and now I can take
Carol to the dance
with a care free conscience.
(playful music)
(dishes break)
- What's the matter Eb?
- I just had my rug
pulled out from under me.
- What happened?
- Carol, she's not going
to the dance with me.
- Why not?
- Her boyfriend's coming
in for the weekend,
she's going with him.
- That's too bad.
- Now I don't have
anybody to go with.
- Well, you never should
have burned your bridgework
behind you with Darlene.
- Yeah,
- Maybe if you went over
and apologized to Darlene
and told her the truth.
- What is the truth?
I've been living a lie
for so long I've forgotten.
- Well, tell her that
you are not married
and that you are sorry
that you made up that story,
- It's worth a try.
- Take her a box of
candy or some flowers.
- Thanks ma.
(audience laughs)
- He's a good boy.
(dishes break)
- Here you are get your
apologizing candy here.
A box of apologizing,
oh excuse me Mr,
could you be
interested, oh it's you Eb.
- Yeah.
- Where you going?
- Over to see
Darlene and apologize.
- Without a box of candy?
- Look Mr Haney I'm in a hurry.
I've got to convince Darlene
that the story I
told her wasn't true.
I'm not really married.
- Oh that should be easy to do.
- Do you think so?
- Yeah, especially if you
have a divorce certificate
to show her.
- I don't have one.
- You don't have a
divorce certificate?
Hark what is this that
has sprung into my hands?
Well I'll be horned diddled.
It's a authenticated,
fairly legal looking,
certificate of divorce.
Now you just show
her this and she'll know
that you're no
longer legally married.
- Mr Haney I,
- And all its gonna cost
you is just eight dollars.
- Eight dollars, I don't
have any money?
- That's all right, we'll just
charge it to Mr Douglas.
Now what was the
name of that city
that you was married in again?
- Racine, Wisconsin.
- Racine, Wisconsin.
(Green Acres theme)
- We need a little brown
piece with a yellow edge.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
- How 'bout this one?
- That's green.
- Oh it'll work.
(hammers)
There you are.
- Well, now you got a
yellow tiger with a green ear.
- Hi.
Is there any booze?
- What?
- My life is a shambles.
- Didn't Darlene
make up with you?
- Yeah.
- Then why have you
got down in your mouse?
- Maybe he's been
chewing on his pillow?
- What happened Eb?
- I went over to Darlene's
house and she didn't want
to talk to me
because I was married
but I finally
convinced her I wasn't.
I showed her my
divorce certificate.
- What divorce certificate?
- The one you owe Mr
Haney eight dollars for.
- You bought a?
- I finally blurted out
the whole sordid truth
and she forgave me.
- Then you're going
to the dance with her?
- No ma'am, - Why not?
- Well when I asked
her to go to the dance
she said she couldn't go
because we had to go to a wedding
and I said who's,
and she said, ours.
The next thing I know,
we're hugging and kissing
it was awful.
- I think it's wonderful.
- Just a second,
that wedding who's ours
routine sounds familiar,
Lisa did you?
- Congratulations Eb.
- Lisa did you?
- Darlene's a wonderful girl,
when is the wedding?
- We really didn't decide that.
Well I'm going to sleep.
Maybe I can dream
my way out of this.
(playful music)
- Alright Lisa, let's uh.
- Would you like to
finish the jigsaw puzzle
or do you want to go to bed?
- I want to talk to you.
- That wasn't one
of the choices.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa did you plant that
idea in Darlene's head?
- Well I might
have mentioned it,
I thought if it worked
once, it might work again.
- Lisa you are, - I'm what?
- Hungarian.
(audience laughs)
- Well he won't be mad long.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(Green Acres theme)
- [Zsazsa] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.