05x25 - Pahk’d With Talent

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last time on "total drama":

The final four

Took a simple foot race

To stanky new heights.

(Laughs)

Naaaaaasty.

With jasmine and shawn

Show-mancing it up,

Sky was forced to partner

With her cabbage-eating

Nemesis, sugar,

Which was actually

A very good idea -

Until it became

A very bad idea.

In the end,

Jasmine was the last

To reach for the top,

And the next to take

The dreaded hop

Into the giant

Pea sh**t of shame.

It's four no more!

We're down to these three,

And soon, one more of them

Will blast free!

So who's going to be

In your final two?

I wanna know,

Don't you?

Let's do!

Here on

"Total drama island pahkitew!"

♪♪♪

♪ I wanna be...

I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be famous! ♪

♪ I wanna be...

I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be famous! ♪

(Whistling chorus)

(Birds chirp)

(Floorboard creaks)

Aggghhhhh!

Huh.

Must've been a nightmare.

(Thumping)

(Laughs)

I wasn't really gonna hit her...

On camera.

Finale, here I come!

Shawn's fit and smart-ish,

But if it comes down

To a foot race or a math test,

I think I can take him.

And sugar's no match at all!

Although she did make it all

The way to the final three...

Underestimating her again

Would be a big mistake.

If I'm not careful,

She'll cheat and lie her way

To the million!

(Determined)

No more mr. Nice guy.

Uh... I mean girl.

Shawn:

(Yawns)

(Sighs forlornly)

Jasmine...

Was I happy to see jasmine

Get sh*t out of a cannon?

Of course not.

Was I relieved?

Well, a little.

If we'd made it

To the finale together,

She thought

We'd split the winnings.

But now I can get the girl

And my zombie-proof bunker!

Check it out!

Entrance chamber

With eye-scan entry

And remote lasers here,

Here and here...

And here and here.

And here.

Master bedroom with

Bite-proof bedspread

And weaponized pillows.

And just in case,

This is the panic room.

And this is the panic room

Inside the panic room.

Can't be too careful!

Chris: (over loudspeakers)

Attention, punching bags,

It's that time again.

Final three

To the meeting area, pronto!

Oh! Hey there!

How'd you sleep?

Hope you didn't have

Any nightmares,

Wink!

(Winks broadly)

(Gasps)

I slept fine!

Sorry if you didn't.

Don't worry,

You'll sleep better tonight...

When you're home.

You know, home?

Where you're headed?

After you lose

This challenge?!

Sugar:

(Laughs)

Oh, silly,

I never lose when it counts!

You'll never b*at me

'Cause you're too... Nice!

Sky:

Whoa! Ow!

(Bushes rustle)

Two girls filled with

Boiling hatred for each other -

It's really starting

To feel like a pageant now!

And there's only two emotions

At a pageant:

Winning and revenge.

Okay - ow! -

Maybe I need to work on

My no more mr. Nice girl.

Chris:

Children of competition,

Your toughest challenge yet

Will be in three parts,

Head to head to head.

Head to head? Ha!

Just call me the winner now.

(Knocking)

My noggin's bigger and solid-er

Than everyone else's combined.

Head to head doesn't mean

That you-

Doctors say my skull's

So thick,

Some of my brain's

Squashed down into my neck!

Sky:

Now that I believe.

Sugar:

Well, yeah,

'Cause it's true.

Sky may be the most likely

To survive to the finale,

But sugar's the most likely

To survive

The zombie apocalypse.

Her brain's in her neck!

Zombies never go for the neck!

Chris:

This will be

A three-part challenge.

Each player gets to create

One of those parts.

Sky:

I get to create

My own challenge?!

Chris:

You all do,

Within reason.

Winner of each challenge

Gets points;

Second place gets ,

And last place gets .

After all challenges,

The player with

The lowest total points

Gets to see the inside

Of a cannon, briefly.

The two highest scores

Get to battle it out

In the finale

For one million dollars!

(Money flutters)

Chris:

Whoa! Careless!

Get that money back

Into the case pronto

Or you're fired.

You have one minute

To write down

The details of your challenge.

Once we get to my challenge,

No way is anyone gonna b*at me!

It's not so much

About my skills,

It's more about

Their weaknesses...

...and they both have so many

Weaknesses to choose from.

We begin our final three

Showdown

With the challenge

Created by... Sky!

Sky:

Yeah! Wooo wooo!

In any competition,

It's best to strike first.

It breaks

Your opponents' spirit.

Although it's not sugar's

Spirit I wanna break!

Hold up.

Why is sky's challenge first?!

Sugar:

Chris:

Easy, tiger.

The order was randomly selected

With the help of the interns.

Okay, here goes!

(Metallic slice,

Intern screams)

(Hard thump,

Whistles nonchalantly)

Chris:

And sky's challenge is...

A metre hurdles race.

Sugar: (gulps)

Shawn: yeah!

Back home,

Hurdles are part of my daily

Zombie-evasion training regime.

I like to pretend each hurdle

Is a zombie

Reaching up to att*ck me.

Works like a charm!

I came second in

The provincial hurdles event.

And the girl that came in first

Isn't here.

Now, hurdles, while exciting...

(Yawns)

Chris:

Didn't seem in keeping

With the spirit of the show,

So I was forced to add

Some little, y'know, extras.

Shawn, sky and sugar:

(Groan)

Chris:

Ya might wanna be careful

Out there.

Anyhoo... On your marks!

Get set!

Aaaand... Go!

(Air horn blasts)

Shawn:

Ungh!

Sky: ha!

Shawn: no!

Agghhh! Fire ants!

Sugar:

(Panting) got one!

Sky:

Ungh!

Ha! Oh!

(High-pitched squeal)

Shawn:

Chris:

Turtle hurdle:

Punny and painful!

(Laughing)

(Groans in pain)

Sugar:

(Laughing triumphantly)

Yeah!

Sky:

Whoa... Ungh!

Sugar:

Yay! Woo!

(Gasps)

Free sweet goo!

Chris:

Sugar takes the lead!

And she's amassing quite

The collection of hurdles,

I might add.

Sugar:

Mm! Gooey num-num!

Sky: (grunts with effort)

Shawn: ungh! See ya!

Sky:

Oh no you don't!

Sugar: (shrieking excitedly)

Shawn: (grunts of effort)

It always comes down

To what you got left

In the t*nk.

Sky:

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Shawn:

Aw yeah! (Laughing)

Sugar: yeah!

Chris: sky wins!

Three points for her,

Two for shawn

In second place,

And sugar gets point

For effort.

Oh, your math's all wrong,

Chris.

I get the most points

'Cause I collected

The most hurdles!

Yeah, but...

It wasn't a scavenger hunt,

So... Nobody cares.

Oh, boo!

Chris:

The next challenge

Comes straight

From the twisted,

Uneaten brain of shawn!

Oh, this is gonna be good.

Chris:

A scavenger hunt for classified

Government documents

Confirming the existence

Of a zombie virus.

But... You're not doing that.

Yeah! 'Cause the government

Doesn't own a shredder.

Give your head a shake, dude.

This conspiracy goes so far-

Instead, you'll be doing

Shawn's second choice.

Choice number two

Is still good!

Chris:

There's the starting line,

And there's the finish -

You just have to race

From one to the other...

Without touching

The ground.

(Gasps)

Jetpacks! Yes!

Chris:

Jetpacks, no.

You have to climb and travel

From tree to tree.

Touch the ground before you

Reach the finish line

And you have to start all over.

The good news is

I didn't add any extra danger

To this challenge.

Sky: (hopeful)

That is good news!

Chris:

Because it's already

Fully stocked!

(Laughs)

Zombies aren't great

At climbing trees,

And forget jumping

From one tree to another,

No way can they do that,

Which is why I can!

Time to shine!

Shawn picked

A tree-hop challenge,

So for sure he's good at it.

I'll just follow him,

Then jump ahead

At the finish line.

If sugar loses this one,

Mathematically,

I'm in the finale

And she's in the cannon.

Chris:

Ready, set... Go!

(Air horn blasts)

Shawn and sky:

(Grunts of effort)

Impressive maneuvers

From shawn and sky.

Shawn and sky:

(Grunts of effort)

Chris:

Uh, sugar?

The finish line

Isn't so much up as it across.

Pfft! Hush it, chris.

I know what I'm doing!

(Grunts with effort)

I don't know anything

About trees,

But my granny says,

"In battle,

You should always take

Higher ground."

Who knows, maybe there's

A bridge up there,

Or a bus stop.

If you've never been

To the top of a tree

You can't say there ain't!

Shawn:

(Gulps) this looks

Too far to jump.

Sky: (grunts)

Shawn: aw, crud!

Sky:

Ready to lose again?

Shawn:

Sorry, can't hear you!

You're too far behind me!

Ungh! Woo!

Aggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ungh! Phew!

Enjoy your loser sandwich!

(Laughs)

(Monkey gibbers)

Shawn:

Hey there, fella,

What you up to?

(Chainsaw buzzes)

Oh.

You spend your whole life

Preparing for zombies,

Then a monkey with a saw throws

All that work out the window!

Whoa! No-no!

Please stop!

Pretty please

With bananas on top?!

Chris:

Will shawn survive

His encounter

With monkey mcsawpants?

(Shawn screams)

Or are we hurtling towards

An all girl finale?

Find out after the break

(Shawn screams)

On total drama:

Pahkitew island!

Shawn:

Please! I'll give you

Whatever you want!

Just don't-

Agggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ow! Oof! Ooh!

Shawn:

Ooh, that was close.

Sky:

Have a nice fall?

Just stay put

While I go win this!

Ha! He just sawed away

The only branch

You could possibly reach!

You do know what

Gymnastics are, right?

Shawn:

Aw, man!

(Whipping through air)

(Monkey shrieks)

Sky:

Ha!

Monkey: (shrieking)

Shawn: aaggghhh! Oof!

Shawn:

Ow... Uh oh.

Aggghhhhhhh!

Chris:

Ouch! Shawn has to restart

The challenge he created.

(Laughs)

Shawn:

Ow! Ow! Not the brains!

Not the brains!

(Fizzling and sparking)

Sky:

Hey, shawn! Thanks in advance

For the great challenge!

(Furious growl)

Hey! Where's sugar?!

Sugar:

(Grunting with effort)

Whew! Finally!

No bridge, no bus stop,

No nothing!

What a rip!

Oh. Uh-oh.

Sugar:

Hey, um, chris?

Help me!

(Screams in terror)

Chris:

Help you?

(Sighs)

It's like she doesn't even

Know me.

Sugar:

Whoa! Whoooaaa!

I can't hold on

Much longer!

Chris:

Sounds like shawn

May not be the only one

Who has to start over.

Shawn:

Ha! Sweet!

Sugar:

If I don't make it...

Tell my granny...

This is her fault!

Aggghhhhhh...

Aggghhhhhh...

Sky:

Agh! Whoa! Aggghhhhhhhh!

Sugar and sky:

Ungh!

Sky: (groaning)

Sugar: ow... My neck-brain!

Chris:

Sugar wins!

Didn't see that coming.

Woo-hoo! Granny was right!

I love you, tree!

Chris:

It isn't over yet!

Second place is still up

For grabs!

Do I really have

To start over?

'Fraid so.

Shawn:

Yup, but I wouldn't bother.

Woo! Woo-hoo!

Nailed it!

Chris:

And shawn takes second place!

(Groans)

Chris:

Well-ity, well, well.

Sky and sugar have both won

And lost a challenge,

And shawn's come in second

Twice.

That's four points each.

We got a three-way tie!

It all comes down

To one final challenge:

Sugar's.

Sugar:

Boom! It's a talent show

And you both forgot

To bring some!

You're gonna get sugared bad!

Chris:

You have two minutes

To prepare.

Best o' luck!

Who needs luck

When you've got all this?

Is zombie apocalypse survival

A talent?

No? (Gulps)

A talent contest?!

Ugh!

The only "talent" I have

Is kind of gross.

But what choice

Do I have?!

The talent contest

Will be judged by me,

Chris:

This intern -

Uh, assuming the cash

Is finally back in the case

Properly...

Very good.

And our final judge is

The newly rebuilt and upgraded

Scuba bear . !

Now with % more hostility.

(Scuba bear growls menacingly)

(Laughs)

Dude, perfect timing!

We need a new intern!

Anyhoo,

Like I was saying,

Finalists will perform

In the same order

As their challenges:

First, sky,

Then shawn,

Then sugar.

Sugar:

Saving the best for last?!

Smooth move, hosty.

Showtime!

Chef:

♪ Come close and listen hard ♪

♪ It's talent time

For one and all ♪

♪ Will they sing or dance

Or what? ♪

♪ Make it good

Or you're a cannonbaaaall! ♪

Chris:

I hope no one else

Is gonna sing

'Cause that will be hard

To top!

"There's a new sheriff

In town...

And here she is!"

Howdy!

I'm... I'm the new sheriff.

Chris:

Yes, we already know that!

Sky:

Right.

And, um, I'm the best belcher

You've ever seen.

Pfft! Belching ain't a talent,

It's a way of life!

Chris:

Cram it, peanut gallery.

Sky:

If you obey the law

You're fine,

But if you're bad,

The belching sheriff

Will belch you down!

Sky: (loud belch)

Chris: (gasps)

It's not that weird.

All my olympic training

Makes my abs and diaphragm

Ridiculously strong.

When I really load up

On carbonated water,

I can burp out a campfire!

(Chugs drink and belches)

(Chugs drink,

Belches loudly)

Chris:

Whoa! Cool!

Thanks, partner!

Um... Yeah. Wow!

That. Was. Terrible!

(Laughs)

Chris:

Bravo! Let's see

The judges' scores!

Sky:

Six point five?

Chris:

The bad guy costumes

Were cliche.

Black hats?

Yawn.

Total score:

Twenty-four point five

Outta thirty.

Not too shabby!

Sky:

Booyah!

Sugar:

You better hope shawn tanks.

Otherwise you're going

Blam-bye!

Guess what?

Same to you!

Chef:

Well, wasn't that...something?!

(Approaching footsteps)

Chef:

Shawn.

Shawn:

Hi. So I will be performing

An armpit serenade.

Chris:

Excuse me?

Shawn:

Well, you know...

When you perform

A classical serenade...

With your armpits?

(Armpit farts)

Disgusting!

Proceed.

(Inhales deeply and exhales)

(Armpit serenades to rossini's

"The barber of seville")

Chris: (quietly)

I've heard of guitar face,

But armpit-fart face?

Impressive.

♪♪♪

Shawn:

Woo! Aggghhhhh!

Sugar:

(Laughing) he's as toasted

As a corn nut!

Chris: (whimpers and sniffles)

Sugar: (gasps)

(Applauding)

You're clapping

'Cause you hate it, right?

Sugar:

Chris:

Judges, your scores?

Chris:

Shawn takes the lead

With points.

Shawn:

Yeah!

Chris:

So, even if sugar gets

A higher score,

Shawn's guaranteed himself

A spot in the finale!

Shawn:

Yes! (Armpit farts)

Sugar:

You might wanna pack

Your things.

Going to the finale!

Woo-hoo!

That's the first time

I ever tried that armpit thing.

Well, in public.

Sweet!

I can't lie,

I'm worried.

Talent shows are sugar's thing.

Probably her only thing,

But her thing!

I wish mama were here.

Before every pageant,

She always gives me

The same awesome pep talk.

"We didn't drive

Two days straight

For you to spend

All your time

Playing with the fancy

Flush toilets!

Now get your dress on!"

This is my thing,

And you can count on that!

I gotta read all of this?!

Sugar:

(Whisper-hissing)

Like you mean it!

And smile!

"She's a genuine angel

Who's come to earth

To shave us-"

Sugar:

(Whisper-hissing)

Save us!

Chef:

"Uh, to save us

From our boring,

Un-glitzy lives with her-"

Chris:

Skip the intro!

Sugar:

Fine! Never mind!

Dear fans!

You know me as sugar,

But my farmies on the farm

Call me...

Sugar silo,

The only artist to ever combine

Rap and country -

I call it craptry!

(Snaps fingers)

(Harp music plays)

(Record scratches)

Sugar: (rapping)

♪ Sugar silo,

I'm wicked sweet ♪

♪ I tap it when I rap it

With a tasty b*at (slurp) ♪

♪ Flowin' like milk

From a jersey cow ♪

♪ I'm the queen of craptry

You all should bow ♪

♪ Sugar hollaaaah... ♪

♪ Sugar silo,

Go doh-si-doh ♪

♪ Sugar silo

Here to win the dough ♪

♪ Sugar hollaaaah... ♪

(Glass shatter)

(Fur explodes,

Sharks groan)

♪ Like a talkin' horse

The truth I speak ♪

♪ I'll take out miss olympic

And the zombie freak ♪

♪ Am I trippin'?

No way this be for real ♪

♪ I'm gonna win this

Million dollar deal! ♪

♪ Sugar hollaaaaaaaaaaaa... ♪

(Water glasses shatter,

Head explodes and fizzles)

Sugar:

...aaaaaahhhh!

That's how it's done!

Wow! I don't know

What to say.

Oh wait,

Yes, I do.

(Sobbing)

Chris:

That was horrible!

Any final words?

Sugar:

I personally believe

Competitions shouldn't be

Based on points,

But, instead,

On your general awesomeness.

Which means I should not

Be in this cannon!

(Boom)

I'm comin', wizard!

Next stop,

The super big awesome

And deadly finale!

Who's about to become

One million dollars richer?

Will it be shawn?

Or will it be sky?

Find out next time

On the season finale of...

"Total drama:

Pahkitew island!"

Chris:

On the next "total drama":

It's finale time

And someone is going home rich.

Probably sky...

Probably shawn...

Well, it might not be sky.

Meh, it might not be shawn.

Either way,

There's gonna pain, pain, pain!

Don't even pretend

You aren't tuning in.

It's the grand finale of...

"Total drama: pahkitew island!"