03x08 - Batman Begins Forever

[bunniefuu]

[HARLEY] Bam! Biff!
Pow! Zoom! Boom! Kachow!

Uh, these are just some
of the noises you'll hear

- when I b*at your shockingly flat ass...
- [GRUNTS]

... if you don't spill
where the hell Frank is.

Who's Frank?

You know damn well who Frank is,

and you better squeal, Richie Rich.

- You won't k*ll me.
- Oh, and why's that?

Dead men tell no tales.

- [SIGHS]
- Oh, we'll see.

[CAPTIVATING MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCOFFS]

Ahh! Damn it!

You don't wanna talk, huh? Huh?

Oh, we've got ways
to make you talk, pal.

Ivy, how do we make him talk?
We have tried everything.

We need help.

[DR. PSYCHO] You know, I too
used to have a temper problem.

But with the help of Mayor Joker's

Passions, Not Prisons reform program,

I found an outlet for
my judgmental rage,

hosting this very self-help podcast.

All right, next caller.

[MAN] Hey, Doctor Psycho!

Uh, first time, long time, uh...

- My name is... Reign.
- Oh.

- And I am having a personal crisis.
- Mm-hmm.

Do I serve vengeance upon my foes
in a merciless shower of death?

- Oh.
- Or do I let it go and... and buy another pasta maker?

Well, Reign, that's a big
Q, and one I will answer

after this ad.

- [MUSIC PLAYS]
- Folks, why should Superman

be the only one with great underpants?

With new LexFlex technology, Lex...

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Ah, great!

You ruined a perfectly
clean ad read, you shithead!

We'd literally come to
anyone else if we could,

but we need your help, Psycho.

We need you, Doctor Psycho.

I'm listening.

[FRASIER THEME-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING]

[HARLEY] Honestly, I learned
more from watching Frasier

than I did from all of med school.

Shark! Ey!

- [CAT MEOWING]
- Okay, this is so embarrassing,

but I honestly can't recall your name.

It's Clayface.

No, I'd remember if it's that stupid.

[LAUGHING] I got a client
with a similar kink.

Woo, it's not for me, but
I get the broader appeal.

Oh, hell no!

You didn't say you wanted to
go into Bruce Wayne's mind.

He's the point-zero-one percent.

They're the real freaks.

Psycho, we're begging ya.

- He stole Frank!
- [GRUNTS]

All right, I'll do it.

On one condition.

I want Harley

to guest on my pod.

That's right! She's a real get.

Besides, I'm getting
crushed in downloads

by k*ller Croc's weepy memoir
show, I need the ratings.

Oh, I'm behind on Thick
Skin. So, please no spoilers.

All right, Quinn. You in or what?

Yeah, whatever.

Thank you.

My producer Ben will be in touch.

All right, let's do
this. Assume the position.

[ROUSING MUSIC PLAYS]

Look, I'm out of motion-sickness pills,

so I volunteer to watch the bodies.

All right, kids. It's showtime!

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

Ma-ma-ma-mamacita!

[ALL SCREAMING]

- sh*t, that hurts.
- Where are we?

Where is his Museum of
Memories, like in my brain?

All I see is Gotham,

but grittier.

Okay, where can we find
his latest memories?

Like, the most recent ones?

I don't know. Ask them.

[EXCLAIMS]

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

[CLAYFACE] Egad! It's
him. The reason we came.

- Frank?
- No!

Thomas Wayne!

And do my eyes deceive
me or has he a mustache?

What other secrets has he been hiding?

There is so much I can learn

from watching the man
I shall be portraying

on the most important night of his life:

his death!

Any minute he'll walk into Crime Alley,

and then so too will his m*rder*r!

Right, it's Joe Cool!

No, that's Joe Chill.

Joe Cool is when Snoopy
wears those, like, sunglasses

and pretends to be a college student.

I thought Joe Cool was the camel
that sold cigarettes to children.

No, That's Joe Camel,

- and he doesn't...
- [g*nshots]

Great. We missed it. Now they're dead.

Too busy arguing about f*cking Snoopy.

- [LITTLE BRUCE SOBBING]
- Bruce!

Where the hell is Frank?

Ive, it's not happening. He's
in a state of extreme trauma.

I'm also a doctor, and I
second everything she just said.

[POISON IVY] Okay, so then
this memory is useless.

We need to find a more recent one ASAP

and then see Frank for ourselves.

All right. Well, let's take his ride.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Where to, Master Not-Wayne?

Bruce's latest memory, and step on it!

As soon as we get to the
memory, we then need to...

- [BRAKES SCREECH]
- Ow! f*ck!

We've arrived.

- Wait, what's going on here? What is this?
- Huh...

[GIGGLING]

[g*nshots]

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

[g*nshots]

[LITTLE BRUCE GIGGLING]

[GRUNTING PLAYFULLY]

[g*nshots AND GIGGLING LOOPING]

So, uh...

Oh, were his parents m*rder*d?
I'm not quite getting it.

Could you show us a
thousand more f*cking times?

[g*nshots]

Oh, man, I cannot believe

we are being subjected
to this multiple times.

I've only read about this in journals.

Yeah, but what is this?

This is a reverse-repressed memory,

meaning Bruce Wayne's repressed
every memory in his life,

except this one.

He's forever stuck in a memory
loop of his parents' m*rder.

- [g*nshots CONTINUE LOOPING]
- God, it's hard not to feel sorry for the kid.

[SNIFFLES]

Well, guess what, I don't
feel anything for him

because the fucker stole Frank.

Let's be honest, you don't
really need me for this part,

so uno momento.

- Oh, Mr. Wayne. A word, perhaps?
- [LITTLE BRUCE GIGGLING]

- Oh, Mr. Wayne!
- [g*nshots]

[EXCLAIMS]

- [g*nshots]
- Ugh, come on. So close.

- [g*nshots]
- [CLAYFACE EXCLAIMS]

I was wondering if you could
answer a few questions about...

- [g*nshots]
- Jesus! God!

Thomas, help me get into character.

How are you feeling just
moments before your death?

- My what?
- [GROANS]

You know what, this is
my bad. You know why?

Because I actually thought that you
could be useful, you useless f*ck.

Harley, you need to deal with
your woman, she's being a little...

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Harley?

[HARLEY GRUNTS]

Are you sh1tting me? [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS] Oof!

[UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING]

Close your eyes, kid.

- [g*nshots]
- [BODIES THUD]

[GROWLS]

Why the hell did you do that?

I thought if I stopped the kid
from crying, he could help us.

Oh, God! Didn't you learn
anything from last time?

You can't mess with a memory,

- or else...
- [BOTH YELP]

[CRYING] I beg you, Mr.
Wayne, with your final breath,

tell me your life's motivation.
What is your rosebud?

My rosebud is... is also a... sle...

A what? A what?

Also, a sleee what? A what? A what?

[YELPS]

[PURRING]

- [CATS YELP]
- [GROANS]

How'd it go?

I must call James Gunn immediately.

Harley?

Harley!

Why... Why isn't she waking up?

We need to go back in, we
need to save her right now.

[SCREAMING]

Nope, it's not gonna happen.

Bruce's brain is on lockdown,

but his subconscious must
still want Harley for something.

The only way out now is from the inside.

Harley is on her own.

Oh, my God. What if... What
if Joe Chill sh**t her?

Die in the head, die for real.

The rules have stayed very
consistent every time we do this.

Please be okay, Harley.

Please be okay.

God, you're heavy!

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROWLS]

[g*nshots]

[GASPS]

Okay. I know a fun game.

Hey! Hey, how about... How
about you focus yourself

and you try and think
of a different memory.

Preferably a happy one
with, like, no murderers.

Uh, maybe mini-golf, or
how about a merry go round?

All I see is darkness.

Okay. Come on, kid. We're improvising.

Ugh!

[GROWLS]

- [g*nshots]
- [YELPING]

- Oh!
- [BOTH SCREAMING]

[BOTH GROAN]

Hey, you okay, kid?

- Where are we?
- The darkness.

Yeah, so if this is gonna
work, I'm gonna need ya

to not go all creepy-kid-
in-a-horror-movie on me, okay?

- Bats are scary.
- Yeah, you're telling me.

Hey, I know you're going
through a lot right now.

But see, I got this friend
named Frank that's missing,

and I wanna make sure he's okay.

Maybe you've seen him?

I don't know.

The fact that you can't even
look at me kinda says you do.

My parents told me not
to talk to strangers.

Yeah, well, they're...

gone now, so you can trust me.

I don't trust clowns with secrets.

I am barely clown-themed anymore,

I just think I look hot like this.

I mean, check how good these bootie
shorts make my ass look, right?

Never mind, you're
eight, okay. [CHUCKLES]

I just wanna go home.

Hey, let's make a deal:

if I help you get back home, will
you show me where my friend is?

There we go. See? I'm not a clown,

I'm a friend.

[BATS CHITTERING]

[UNNERVING MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, look. It's you. We must
have found your memories.

Why do we fall down, Master Bruce?

To pick ourselves up?

Yes. That's what I was going to say.

Aww, look at you, you little Grumpy Gus.

[LITTLE BRUCE] Yeah, that
was at my parents' funeral.

Oh.

[BATS SQUEAKING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Ugh! Always a white billionaire

coming to a group of
Himalayan monk-ninjas

and forcing them to train him.

What a dickhead. Oh, no offense.

[BRUCE] As a man, I'm flesh and blood.

I can be ignored. I can be destroyed.

But as a symbol, as a really cool,
very gritty, super-serious symbol,

I can be incorruptible,
I can be everlasting.

You know, you grow up to
have a real savior complex.

Who do you think you are?

You don't sound like Bruce Wayne there.

You sound like... [GASPS]

Holy sh*t. You're...

- I'm Batman.
- [BATMAN THEME PLAYS]

[GASPS]

Hmm. [TUTS]

Alfred! Are the ears too
big? I think they're too big.

How could Bruce be Batman?

I mean, sure, he's the
richest man in Gotham,

so that explains all the vehicles.

And he's always going missing at
big galas when villains show up.

Okay, come to think of
it, it's very obvious.

Wait till you hear who Superman is.

Come on!

Okay, I'm not comfortable
with whatever this is.

Look, Harley likes it
when I play with her hair.

I don't know. I'm just... At
least I'm trying something, right?

And not just playing video
games in the g*dd*mn corner.

How dare you? Look, video games
are how I deal with stress.

If I stop playing, I'll start thinking,

and if I start thinking,

I will freak the... [GASPING]

I cannot take this stress right
now. I will be in my kingdom.

What the hell was that?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

I had a few weird years.

I always thought Batman
was a stick in the mud,

but seeing everything you've done

all shmushed together
like that is impressive.

And honestly, kinda inspiring.

But, you know, if you
truly wanted to help Gotham,

why not start with affordable housing?

People pay for housing?

- [g*n COCKING]
- [GASPS]

- [GASPING]
- Kid!

[YELPS]

[HARLEY SCREAMING]

Holy sanitized curse word!

[JOKER CHUCKLING] Oh, how cute.

The songbird's afraid to swear.

Ugh, you used to be such a fudging pill.

Wait.

Firework rocket, tied-up Robin,

smell of fried Oreos and vomit.

Oh, I remember this night!

What should we do with Batsie's
little sidekick, puddin'?

Oh, no!

I think we oughta teach
him some manners, Mistah J.

- Ugh.
- She's just so beautiful.

God! You put your tongue in that?

Psycho, if you aren't
here to help Harley,

you need to get out
of the g*dd*mn house.

Well, I'm starting to
feel not welcome here,

so fine by me.

[BOTH GROAN]

Huzzah! We saved the movie!

We can CGI the moustache in post.

[SNIFFS] That's not good.

[GROANS]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

- [GRUNTS]
- [JOKER CHUCKLES]

You're disgusting.

All this destruction
and mayhem for what?

Do you really like that?

Mr. J likes it. Whatever
he likes, I like.

Ugh! And the accent,
oh, my God, so heavy.

Girl, ease it down.

- Who do you think you are?
- Not you. Not anymore.

I think Robin's lost his marbles.

Someday you'll get with
the love of your life,

and you'll see how foolish
you been all those years.

Too bad you'll miss the wedding.

We haven't talked about marriage yet!

[WHOOSHING]

[BATMAN THEME PLAYS]

Put me down for the fish.

You're not supposed to order the fish.

They just put it on the
menu to not seem cheap.

[JOKER GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Ugh. Get a room. And some self-esteem.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Ahh! My ear! Oh, my
God, that is so cruel.

[JOKER LAUGHS]

Hey, you never told me stopping
baddies was this much fun.

Being a hero's supposed to be lame.

[BOTH GRUNT]

- It has its moments.
- [DING]

Costume looks good on you, Quinn.

You don't think the
shorts are too short?

I know I like to show
off a little something,

but come on, this is a thong.

- [g*n COCKING]
- I say we skip to the grand finale?

I hear it's a real bang!

- [LAUGHS]
- [g*nsh*t]

[GROWLS]

Holy post-traumatic-
stress-disorder Batman!

He's trying to taint your memories.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

Do I have your verbal consent to
become your licensed therapist?

I'm gonna take that as a
yes, so you can't ever sue me.

Don't think about him.

Close your eyes, cross
your hands like this.

You're doing great.

Now think about somewhere you feel safe.

A memory where you felt truly happy.

No criminals.

No bats.

Just happy.

There you go.

Now check in with your senses.

Think about what you're
smelling. What you're hearing.

What you're feeling.

Incredible first session. Will you
be paying this co-pay now or later?

Yeah, rich people insurance
doesn't have co-pays.

Ahh, this country's so f*cked up.

[FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

This is your safe space, huh?

It's the last Christmas
we had together. Before...

Those are for Santa.

Ah, I'll take the heat from Tim Allen.

Mm?

- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
- [GASPS]

[FIRE WHOOSHES]

[POPPING]

[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]

In here.

Well, kid, unless you have
your utility belt under there,

I don't think we're
getting out of this one.

I was wrong.

You're not scary like that other clown.

I don't wanna lie anymore. I
stole your friend. It was me.

Frank? Yeah, I know.

He's the key. He's the one
who'll make the bad man disappear.

Whoa, slow down. What do you mean?

I took him first 'cause I saw Ivy
was up to no good on the cameras.

You could see us on Cat
Woman's security cameras.

Ew. You were perving?

No, I was being a hero.

I had to stop your plan.

But then I realized that
the plant could do more.

It could bring mommies and
daddies back from the dead.

It'll fix everything.

Frank resurrects plants,
he can't bring back people.

He can now. I changed him.

- How?
- Science?

[DOOR OPENS]

[YELPS]

Hey, give me back the kid! [GRUNTS]

- [YELLS]
- [LITTLE BRUCE GRUNTS]

You don't have to be
afraid of him, Bruce.

He is just another masked
assh*le in a city full of 'em.

Too afraid to even show his face.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Okay, I've got, like, a million
questions. But mostly, what?

He didn't tell you why I'm here?

The reason I sit all night
by the window waiting,

begging for the Bat-Signal to appear.

The reason I became Batman.

Everyone knows your
parents were m*rder*d.

It's pretty well-worn
territory at this point.

But they don't know
that it was my fault.

That night, Father wanted me to
attend a shareholders meeting,

but I begged he take us to the movies,

The Mark of Zorro.

I came out of that theater
exhilarated, inspired, even.

So much so I refused
to take the limo back.

I wanted us to walk
home. Through Crime Alley.

To think all this trauma
from an Antonio Banderas film.

No, that's the ' s one,

I'm talking about the black
and white... It doesn't matter.

Everything I do as Batman is
to make that one night right.

Yet it's never enough,

so I must never forget.

That is my penance. My
bat-shaped cross to bear.

Moving on doesn't mean forgetting.

It means healing. And as your
therapist, I promised to help you heal.

Either you give up the kid so
he can return to Crime Alley,

or I sh**t you dead. Your call, Quinn.

I thought your rule was no g*ns.

I mean, the real me is against
it, but the mind me is flexible.

Help me.

I will.

But I can't help you in here.

I need to talk to the real
you, it's too f*cked up in here.

Come on, champ. Let's
go watch our parents die.

It's what we deserve.

Like I said, very f*cked up.

Don't tell my secret.

Doctor-patient confidentiality.

[WHOOSHING]

Oh, my God! Ive...

W... Were we always in Wayne Manor?

No.

Wayne hired those f*cking latchkey
Bat-kids to do his dirty work.

Didn't even realize Batman
was such a f*cking sell-out.

I know what you're gonna do!

But, Bruce, you can't undo your trauma.

You have to work through it.

It's hard, and it's scary,

but it's the best thing you'll ever do.

I'm sorry, what?

I think we missed something big.

Why should I trust you?

'Cause I promised a little
boy I'd help, and I will.

You saw everything. This is
the only way out of the dark.

Hey, Harley, what is
he doing with Frank?

He...

He modified Frank's resurrection powers.

He's gonna bring back his dead parents.

- Yeah, that's not good.
- Ha! A post-credit scene to my biopic.

I mean, oh... Bad idea.

Wait, that's... It's not possible!

I mean, there's no way he could've...

Hang on. Is... I mean, is that possible?

[LIGHTNING CRACKLING]

[WHIRRING]

[SCREAMING]

- You're back!
- [GASPS]

[TOMBSTONES CREAKING]

[GROWLS]

- [FRASIER THEME-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DR. PSYCHO SCATTING]

[CACKLES]

[CONTINUES SCATTING]

♪ Oooh, scrambled eggs ♪

[RESUMES SCATTING]

♪ Dead parents! ♪

[CONTINUES SCATTING]

♪ La, la, la, trees! p*ssy! ♪

Goodnight, Gotham!