02x23 - Virgins

[bunniefuu]

What is that? What are you doing?

WINSTON Oh, my goodness.

Oh, hey, guys, you have any hair you want removed? Hey.

I must respectfully decline such a horribly depressing invitation.

Going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting the remote control out of the couch.

Now I know things, and I own things.

Like this.

What is that?

Oh, my God, that poor girl.

This is the Archduke.

The crowning achievement of the German Institute of Female Pleasure.

Dude, this thing takes single A batteries?

I thought I threw that thing out the window.

That only made it stronger.

WINSTON Oh, that reminds me Daisy called, and we're going out tonight.

(chuckles)

Yeah, she sounded pretty excited.

I do believe her exact words were, "This is your last chance."

So, I'm very confident.

Yeah.

Very confident.

(cell phone rings)

Schmidt, can you help me with my phone? I have...

Oh, you need help?

Where's your women's lib now?

From Teddy

"In town tonight. Would love to see you. p.m. drinks?"

CECE Oh, my God, Teddy.

JESS Oh, my God.

Hey, who's Teddy?

Whoa, hey, man.

What are you doing...?

JESS Nick? Weird and gross.

Sometimes I just sit in the stall and listen to you guys.

Who's Teddy?

OTHERS Makes sense.

What do you think he wants? You think I should meet him for a drink?

Am I the only one kind of dying to know who this Teddy character is?

I think I speak for all of us...

Nick, you and Jess didn't work out, okay?

No...

MoveOn.org.

Yeah, "ww" It's not

about that, just...

Chill out.

Yeah, no. Thanks.

JESS

Fine. Look. Um... (sighs)

I already regret this. Teddy...

Teddy took my flower.

Wow, yeah, he did.

What flower? What?!

Yeah, he stole a flower from you?

(chuckles)

And you want to have drinks with him?

Oh, from your wonderful secret garden.

CECE Ugh.

Oh, my God. You guys do have to hear this story, though.

'Cause it is the worst. It's the worst!

No, no.

It's the worst.

They...

I guarantee you it's not any more embarrassing than the story of me losing my virginity.

I promise you mine's worse than all of yours.

Prom night. .

What was the theme?

Yeah, who cares about the theme?

What were you wearing?

I want to know the theme.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

JESS It was after prom.Cece and I were both ,

and we'd rented a hotel room.

So...

would you like to freak?

Yes, I would.

("Stay " by Lisa Loeb plays)

♪ So ♪
♪ And I thought what I felt was simple... ♪

I'm gonna freak you toward the bed.

Do I have your permission?

Yes, you do.

♪ And now that I am leaving ♪
♪ Now I know that I... ♪

So, he and I were the founding members of the Gender Equality Society.

Also, the only members of the Gender Equality Society.

We both asked each other to the prom in the spirit of gender equality, and we both said yes.

Okay, get to it. No one cares.

Oregon sucks.

I'm gonna take off your dress.

Do I have your permission?

Yup. Yup.

Okay.

♪ I only hear what I want to ♪

Um...

I can't find the zipper.

Oh.

Oh, there is no zipper.

Um, I made this dress, and my mom sewed me in, so...

Um, maybe I can try in the abdominal area here?

Is that okay? Do I have your permission?

Yes. You have my permission.

Unwind the...

Oh.

Maybe if, um... You know, um, 'cause maybe you could just rip it.

♪ I turn the radio up... ♪

I... I just want to make sure you're feeling safe...

No, no, no. II feel, like, so safe, and, like, I've never felt, like, more safe.

Well, do I have your permission...

Just be a man and rip it off...

♪ When we weep for the other ♪
♪ Who was dying since the day they were born ♪
♪ Well, well... ♪

Now I'm feeling very unsafe.

♪ But I'm thrown ♪

(softly)

Um...

♪ And I thought I'd live forever... ♪

Um...

I think, um, I'm gonna go, um, get... like, I'll see if the front desk has a seam ripper.

(booing)

Come on, Jess.

Get to the sex part.

If this is another story about sewing, I swear to God...

Please. I'm getting there.

(sighs)

YOUNG MAN

You okay?

Yeah.

JESS

Oh, man.

He wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants.

People have told me I look really good in tuxedos, so...

I don't think I've ever seen you in a tux.

I've worn a tuxedo. (scoffs)

Everybody has tuxedos.

Tuxedo is different than a suit.

It is?

Wait, didn't he have a guitar?

Oh, my God, yes.

Best part.

BOTH

♪ And now that I am leaving ♪
♪ I know that I did something wrong ♪
♪ 'Cause I missed you ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause I missed you. ♪

(booing)

SCHMIDT Lame.

(sighs)

Man...

(sighs)

Prom is so stupid, right?

Yeah, and, like, what is "prom" short for?

I think it's actually "promenade."

So, you want a man?

You want a... want a man?

Okay, there are no scissors in there, so I taped these two steak knives together.

Now, do I have your permission to just...

Oh! Aah!

Oh, my God.

(groaning)

Uh, I have... to deal with this...

(strumming "Stay" by Lisa Loeb)

So, you mean to tell me you didn't lose your virginity at prom?

Technically, no.

Technically?

Damn it, Jess.

Technically, why did we listen to that whole story, then?

Technically, this guy's the worst. (chuckles)

There was no sex.

Playing guitar for girls.

Girls don't like that.

That's a fact.

(sighs)

It's okay, man.

What's okay?

I wasn't done yet, guys.

I was in the prologue.

David Foster Wallace, where is the sex?

You're in last place.

Cece, please go.

Tell your story of how your lost your virginity.

I need a palate cleanse.

Actually, it was the same night.

SCHMIDT It was prom night?

Really?

Who was it with?

Study Hall Steve or Cool Car Johnny?

(chuckling)

Oh, yeah.

Not exactly.

Not them.

So what? I'm a virgin.

I don't want to plan it out.

Whatever happens, happens.

MAN (British accent)

Oh, hello.

I'd like to make love to you.

(whispering)

That's Mick Jagger.

What?! Whoa!

What?

SCHMIDT

Game changer!

Freaking...

Beatlemania!

Beatlemania!

Keep it together, Schmidt.

Oh, my...

The Beatles?!

He was just on tour in Portland, and we just started talking, and then we started laughing...

♪ ♪

What... but I'm confused.

Uh, Cece, that is not an embarrassing story.

Yeah, I know.

But I just love telling it.

Yeah.

Cece, you officially move into last place.

Boom. Moving up, worst story.

Jess, you have no chance of winning.

SCHMIDT It was my junior year of college. I was about pounds heavier.

Freshman plus sophomore

plus junior .

I got some lubricant.

It's to use on a woman.

Uh...

to increase her pleasure.

Hey... is it chill if I have the room later?

Elizabeth and I have been talking, and... we plan on merging tonight.

Yeah, Schmidt!

Penis, vag*na.

Penis, vag*na.

The room's all yours, cowboy.

Yeah, I got some, uh, mushrooms, and I'm going to a Dave Matthews concert later.

I'm a Daver.

(Jess groans)

CECE That sucks!

WINSTON White people.

Is this the first time you'll be making... full love?

No way, Jose.

Look, Nick... back in high school, they used to call me... the Sex... the Sex Hammer.

That's a great nickname.

But, you know, now that we're sitting here talking, would you mind having a discussion, uh, openly about the subject of intercourse?

sh**t.

Cool.

Hey, does it hurt for the guys?

Not one bit.

If I pee while it's happening, will she die?

How many minutes before sex is it... is it okay to eat?

I don't think it's an exact science.

I think it depends on your frame.

So, I should eat right before.

In terms of lubricant, do I put a small amount everywhere or do I use a large amount

in a small... in a smaller area?

(groans)

You're harshing my vibe,

Schmidt.

You're the coolest, Nick.

You know, so I'd already taken the mushrooms.

Obviously.

And I was ready to go to the concert, when I realized that the troll at the end of my bed was pretty upset about it.

I don't want any trouble. I think you're a remarkable creature.

(quietly)

No.

Oh... I feel hot in my pants.

(laughs)

I still don't understand why you didn't just leave.

I've told you a million times, my arm was a magnet and the walls were magnetic.

What about that do you not understand?

♪ I submit to your demands ♪
♪ I will do anything ♪
♪ Girl, you need only ask... ♪

ELIZABETH That's a real big jar of lube, man.

Wait, why are you rubbing it on your leg?

No, that's my arm.

Aah! Eyes, eyes, eyes!

Oh, stop moving so much. You're too slippery.

♪ ...when you want me to ♪
♪ And I will not let go... ♪

Oh, this lube is so slippery.

(screams)

(screams)

(both grunt)

(groaning)

Schmidt, where are you?

I can't see.

(whispering)

Sex.

II think there's enough lube.

I think we can do it now.

(whispering)

All right. Get up.

(Nick grunting)

You definitely shouldn't be going to get more.

♪ I'm just gonna concentrate on you ♪
♪ Girl, are you ready? ♪
♪ It's gonna be a long night ♪
♪ Throw your clothes ♪
♪ Throw your clothes ♪
♪ On the floor ♪
♪ On the floor ♪
♪ I'm gonna take my clothes off, too... ♪

Schmidt?

Be right there.

I think we overdid it.

I can't see!

I'm right here... No!

(grunts)

Schmidt, I want to make love!

(whispering)

I got to go.

It's sex.

I'm coming, Elizabeth!

(laughter)

Look, when we were dating, I was very limited as to what we could do sexually.

It wasn't until the Iraqi w*r that I realized a guy could even be on top.

But that's all different now.

Now I have the Archduke.

Schmidt, have you ever considered not using lube and some giant sex toy, and just being with her?

Plain Janeing it?

Yeah, okay.

Well, I know for a fact that I can't win this thing,

because my story was... beautiful.

BOTH Aw.

NICK No, your story was not beautiful.

Nick's dad took us on a business trip to New York, right?

And he said that we could do whatever we wanted.

(chuckles)

And we did.

(chuckles)

Oh, man.

They're all on the Titanic.

How does this movie end?

(chuckles)

I can't believe I never seen it before, man.

It's the best.

You're mom's the best...

(laughing)

at having boobs.

Shut up, stupid.

I'm just kidding, man.

(giggles)

(chuckles)

NICK Don't. Don't.

Hey.

I didn't bring you two dummies all the way to New York so you can park your cans on the couch, watch TV and flick each other's Bics.

Hey, Dad, last night, somebody broke in and ordered a p*rn movie, so there's a mistake on the bill.

(both chuckling)

Yeah, okay, you can tell that to the Marines.

Meanwhile...

I have a little surprise for you boys.

Oh, cool.

Ladies?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

Wait, what? You lost

your virginity to prostitutes?

No, they were businesswomen.

Who could dance sexy.

Winston, % they were prostitutes.

Dude, no.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

We work in the finance markets.

We work in the finance markets?

I'm Mysteria.

This is Octopussy.

Your name's Octopussy?

Absolutely.

Thank you, guys, for coming.

We're very wealthy.

(both laughing)

Winston, listen to their names.

They sound like pros.

She was a nurse.

Dude, her nurse hat was in her purse.

Would you listen to yourself?!

♪ ♪

Uhhuh.

Honey, why are you sweating so much?

You should drink something.

Thank you for the offer,

Ms. Octopussy, but II don't drink.

I prefer to be drunk on life.

Hold that for me?

Sure.

Thank you.

Perhaps I'll try some.

♪ So she told me to come over and I took that trip ♪
♪ And then she pulled out... ♪

Very interesting.

Uh, uh, uh.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I'm gonna do it to you.

You're gonna do what to me?

(crying)

I don't know.

Are you crying?

Please, excuse me, but I had to lay off a lot of really good men today at work.

What's wrong with your friend?

He's a virgin.

Aren't you a virgin, too?

Just my penis, baby.

Just my penis.

WINSTON So Mysteria and I made love that night.

For ten beautiful seconds.

So, what do you do for a living?

(snickers)

And it was good.

Nick, I can't believe you lost your virginity to Octopussy.

I couldn't go through with it.

It's 'cause the boy had no game.

He couldn't close.

Okay, you don't need game.

They were prostitutes.

My dad told me.

PopPop told you? When?

Nicky, you here?

Yeah, I'm here, Dad.

What are you doing?

If I'm being totally honest, I've had some alcoholic beverages tonight.

Well, to be totally honest with you, so have I.

How do you think I got through Annie?

Geez, that was rough.

What happened here?

I'm sorry, Dad.

I couldn't make love to Ms. Octopussy tonight.

It's too dangerous, and I was afraid the FBI was gonna track me down or a paper trail.

You think too much.

You think too much about everything.

When I was your age, my dad got a girl for me, too.

I mean, this is almost a Miller family tradition.

You should have seen her boobs.

They were great.

Real pointy, just like I like 'em.

Gross.

Listen, Nicky, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.

I just want to make sure that you don't miss out on the things in life that are happening when you're not thinking.

Because, believe you me,

those... are the best things in life.

I think I really like drinking.

Well, that's great.

That's wonderful. That's good.

That's a great start.

It's really fun.

It makes me feel good.

Good.

(chuckles)

Uh...

Don't tell Winston about the girls.

You know,

that they're... pros.

Yeah, I won't. I don't want to break his heart, you know?

Okay.

I mean, you can tell him, but just...

wait, you know?

Maybe after I'm gone.

I'll tell him when you're dead.

So it's time you should know.

Mysteria...

On the bright side, looks like you won the contest.

Actually...

Jess, look at him.

Let him have this.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Winston.

I just can't let you win this.

My story...

involves...

m*rder.

(laughs)

Was Mysteria even her real name?

No.

So I'd just moved to L.A. to be with Cece, and we went out to some bar.

Do you remember where that was?

No.

How did I get this far without having sex?

In three years,

I'm gonna be .

I can't rent my first car as a virgin.

They'll know.

Okay. What about those guys over there?

Mega beer!

Party!

Pour beer at the same time.

Yeah!

They are definitely single.

Yeah!

I mean, k*ll me.

Oh, my God.

It was the guy from prom night.

It was fate.

Want to get out of here?

(chuckles)

Like, to do it?

(chuckles)

Yeah. I'd be down with that.

Yes.

Um, but I'm kind of living

out of my car right now.

Damn it.

Yeah.

And I'm sleeping on my friend's couch.

Do you like DVDs?

Do you sell cookies?

Not a cookie bar.

I have an idea.

(kissing sounds)

Hey, uh, I'm kind of on a lot of antidepressants right now, so this may kind of take a while.

The only antidepressants you need are in my pants.

Uh, it's really a medical issue.

I'm so sorry.

That was really uncool.

And... take as much time as you need.

So, two hours later...

still nothing.

It was like a wind sock on a windless day.

Give me an update, brother.

How's your wang?

(crying)

Do you have, like, an...

Is there, like, an

angle you could...

like... I mean...

It's just... it's so much easier when it's, like, in the shower, you know, and you're by yourself and you don't...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And there's no one with you.

Well, what can I do to help? Listen, why don't we try our luck on the other side of the castle, okay?

(muffled grunting)

JESS Oh, my God!

(groans)

We're stuck.

MAN Hey, uh, don't really know why, but...

ready now.

NICK Okay, getting worse.

SCHMIDT We were promised m*rder.

CECE

She's not done.

Hey...

hey, kids. Could one of you go get a grownup?

We're doing some grownup things over here.

MAN Happy birth... Happy birthday.

JESS Happy birthday.

(siren wails, fire truck horn blasts)

Sir, um, we tried to make love on the bench, but, uh, there was a man there.

Oh, he's still there.

He must have been very tired.

He slept through all those sirens.

This man's dead.

What?!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(sobbing) I'm stuck!

Officer, I... it was very dark, and I did not see the Kn*fe.

There's so much death in the world.

Seriously, dude, take your pills! I'm sick of you.

I'm sick of you!

I'm sick of you!

MAN Important reminder...

don't move.

(sobbing)

I think I might be gay!

Yeah.

(sobbing)

Oh, my God.

Teddy's gay?

I knew it. Yes.

That wasn't Teddy.

That was Teddy.

NICK What?

♪ You try to give away a keeper or keep me ♪
♪ 'Cause you know you're just so scared to lose ♪
♪ And you say... ♪

I'm Teddy.

Teddy Sherman.

♪ Stay... ♪

Take me home, Teddy.

Take me home.

(engine revving)

(groans)

I'm sick of firemen always winning.

Well, you know, I'd just waited so long, and Teddy took me by surprise.

It was the heat of the moment.

I didn't have to think about it.

SCHMIDT Well, who wins?

I think we're all losers.

Are you kidding me, Jess?

You had passionate sex with a fireman, all right?

I had sex with a hooker.

Well, I mean, unless... Are you guys sure she was a hooker?

(overlapping chatter)

NICK Jess, wait.

So, is he, like, the kind of fireman that hangs back and takes care of the dog?

No, he, like,

straight up fought fires.

That's awful to hear.

You know,

you never actually told me how you lost yours.

Alison Daniels.

On a towel in the woods.

I cried.

She kept her bra on.

It was nice.

(cell phone ringing)

Oh.

I have to go meet Teddy.

I should go.

What do you think?

♪ ♪

What are you doing?

(gasps)

Let's not think about it.

I've got three hours till the redeye.

Let's do this.

Um...

Babe, you know I don't do well under pressure.

Well, just distract yourself. Um...

here, turn on the TV.

♪ I've been trying to hide, we held our breath ♪
♪ To see our names are written... ♪

Look, we're gonna be married in, like, two days.

Should we maybe, you know, try it once?

Not yet.

(chuckles)

♪ Yes, since we found out ♪
♪ Since we found out ♪
♪ That anything could happen ♪
♪ Anything could happen ♪
♪ Anything could happen ♪
♪ Anything could happen ♪
♪ Anything could happen ♪
♪ Anything could... ♪

What is that?

It's a super intense German personal power massager.

But I don't think we need it.

Hey. You know...

since you...

came all this way with that box...

We'll have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector.

(panting)

(sighs, chuckles)

(sighs)

(chuckles)

BOTH (laughing)

Oh, boy.

JESS (à la ScoobyScoobyDoo)

Ruhroh.