Lauren Brian let's go miss this weather
gonna break here's your lunch Oh
Bonnie's bringing me my lunch she grey
oh such a sweet girl friend I bet that
makes you feel like she's been thinking
about you all morning yeah it kind of
does you're all so dumb I made you lunch
oh that's really thoughtful oh look
honey it's teen singing sensation that
needed to rest of my shirt isn't she the
lead singer that new group no way you
leaving the house like Dan summers over
why is it so hot out does your mother
and I use a lot of hairspray in the 80s
sorry my hair was huge here there's PTA
meeting tonight when he has to go you're
the mother you're the father prove it
somebody's gotta go it's mandatory come
on bill I'm really tired I've been
working late all week well we both been
working really hard there must be some
fair way to decide who I you touched it
did not it touched me and what were you
doing while it was touching you're
touching it back fine you big baby i'll
go but you're in charge of dinner fine
for everyone bill damn can't believe I
have one of this stupid meeting whenever
I go to one of these things those pta
people make me feel like such a loser
like there are the only people who care
about their kids yeah they look at us
like we're some kind of bad pass we care
about our kids know where they are what
they're doing you're damn right we do hi
honey Oh Lauren relay
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
and it seems we've sorted out the
carpool drop-off problem on monday
wednesday and fridays parents will drive
up on fairmount and tuesdays and
thursdays they will use grand I know I'm
so sorry on Monday Wednesday and Friday
the parents will use grand get that
wrong and restart that w*r all over
again de you know I'd really like to
thank all the parents for joining us
tonight I know we say these meetings are
mandatory but we certainly can't force
you to come what okay well that's all
that I came here to discuss so we asked
you to write down some of your concerns
and now it's time for open for them hope
somebody's up already what's your name
uh Judy Miller well come on up here and
tell us what you'd like to discuss
tonight I'm not really a come on up here
tell your parent well sure you are come
on we won't bite what's on your mind oh
let's see um orange program no great
what are your thoughts just you know how
do we really need it
so are you suggesting that the school
should stop providing nutritious hot
lunches for children who might not
otherwise be able to afford them well
when you put it that way I am totally
flipping on this Wow I mean who wants
kids you know lug it around their lunch
box their backpacks already weighed ton
yeah yeah and that is is what I came
here to discuss tonight my daughter's
bare neck is so heavy that this morning
she fell over on her back and she was
kicking like a little beetle I thought
this was a dead issue since the school
eliminated lockers last year well I
think what mrs. Miller is saying is that
it is only a dead issue when we say it
is a dead issue that is exactly what
mrs. Miller is saying that's your so
cashing it about this why don't you help
us figure out some ideas on how to
lighten the backpack load really me sure
you can head a committee you know I was
on student council for a month well I am
just so glad you came tonight are you
kidding my husband and I fought about
who got to come tonight
oh no it's even hotter in here Judy I'm
hungry and I'm eating in my underwear
[Music]
tonight it'd be a good night for BBQ
let's start with my eyes ah i forgot
Judy's of that meeting okay nobody
touched these I need to wear them to
work tomorrow dad why can't you get the
air conditioners back out of the Attic
cuz those things weigh a ton it took me
a whole afternoon to talk your mother
into hauling them up there no one so who
wants to go back to aunt linda's place I
got air conditioning can we go that yeah
go ahead you're just giving off heat
great what's the catch well nothing I
just just want to spend some time with
my little nieces and I thought you might
enjoy my air conditioned apartment okay
and as long as you're gonna be there you
can help me organize my pictures for my
singles cruise this is sound like fun
and you already said yes now go 165
pounds yeah maybe on the moon you
looking for money it was only in there
friday afternoon for about two hours dad
son wallet I'm sorry I thought this was
mine man Brian I'm wearing boxers and if
I have to chase you things you never
wanted to see you about to escape okay
you want the truth I was looking for a
condom no come on tell me what you were
looking for I won't be mad forget it
wait wait wait what do you need a condom
for it's not for me it's for my friend
my friend needs one friend what's this
friend's name Dorian from school and I
thought you'd have one because all the
guys carry condoms in their wallet
I get it all the guys carry condoms and
their wallets and your friend wants to
be just like all the other guys yeah I
guess well sure why not i'll get you one
you know my friend like to carry one in
his wallet when he was your age thanks
dad Oh tell your friend once it's in
there he should rub the outside with
sandpaper that way the ring will start
to show right away I'm a good dad
[Music]
tension earthlings throw down your puny
w*apon oh good you're still up not only
am i up i am from Planet fenêtre Phil
guess what farmer try I was a huge hit
in the PTA meeting I'm on a committee
and not only that we all went to fend
against some of us from the meeting I
like them they like me I'm one of them
I'm a good parent you're drunk aren't
you a little so Elise Larkin she's the
president of the PTA we shared a cab and
she invited us to her half damn and I'm
busy when when PTA people invite us over
well that's too bad cuz they just got to
mail-order steaks and they have a big
ass inground swimming pool then they
have a big ass new best friend so what
do you say as good parents do something
bad oh sure you come waltzing in here
with liquor on your breath thinking you
have the right tit oh what the heck I'm
already sweating why are the condoms out
I gave one to Brian don't worry there's
plenty more
Ryan our son Brian you gave Brian a
condom no no I misspoke um I'm having an
affair with another woman but I bet you
can win me back what is right me to come
by me and Brian here from sex no he
wants it for his wallet so he can carry
it around school show his friends well
how do you know cuz that's what all guys
do it's a rite of passage trust me by
the time he gets around to using it
you'll be making out in the back seat of
a flying car sweet he just came out and
asked you for a condom for his wallet no
he told me he wanted it for a friend at
school named Orion yeah he was looking
right at the door when he said it
they've been facing the other way his
friend would have been named lampe so
you sure this is just some stupid guy
thing yes oh my baby boy has a condom
I'm gonna toss my appletinis well it's
no big yes it is I mean I know Brian's
not having sex yet but he's thinking
about having sex we need to talk to him
it's what good parents do Brian can you
come in here a sec I'm not ready to do
this sitting here in my pajamas talking
about sex who are my hair I just need to
be honest and open what if he asks says
when we started having sex we lie oh my
fee oh what's going on your mother's
been to Bennigan's
so your father told me he gave you a
condom oh my god dad I told you it's for
my friend okay sweetie it's for your
friend but I just want you to know that
is very natural for a young man to start
thinking about having intercourse
because someday you are gonna want to
have intercourse please stop saying that
word we just want you to know that there
is no shame in being a virgin not a
better word I'm just saying that sex is
not something you have to rush it's most
appropriate between two married people
it's what we do when we want to show our
love and physical desire for one another
or if we forgot to buy a birthday
present but in the meantime we all know
that there are plenty of other ways to
release your sexual urges oh now for
instant it is perfectly healthy try can
I go not yet can I oh now Brian is there
anything else you want to know about the
sexual act itself when does it end well
ideally when both I mean this talk
sweet dreams sweet boy lets you keep the
little guy have a commission for a while
well good Ryan should think i'm not
talking about Brian
you know I think Judy is right I think
the school board would take an interest
in this problem if we make them carry
around 40 pound bag packs for a day yeah
except they couldn't hurt their backs
cuz none of them have spines such a
cr*ck-up hey hey that for me oh yeah
bill these pta people are really great
they left at every stupid thing I say
yeah they're not bad I guess we can't
call him Petey a-holes anymore Elise is
really sweet she hates all the same
parents I hate except for that woman who
drives the station wagon who never says
hi to us turns out she's deaf huh finger
mean the same thing in sign language
bill you want first pick fine I'll take
all of this at least we are having a
wonderful time this is such a fun group
of people oh and it's so much more fun
with you guys here and your onion dip is
out of this world no it's out of a
package but I did stern the sour cream
myself that's what I love about you
you're such a straight sh**t that's me
papa hi mom oh hi honey I want you to
meet our new friends this is Bill and
Judy Miller meet our son Dorian is in
the same grade as your son Brian I'm
sorry did you say Torian Dorian maybe
delorean no Dorian like a door you know
Brian's a real good friend of mine here
that bill Dorian's a real friend of
brian's excuse me gotta go get some
plastic wrap from a meat
honey could you help me get a tablecloth
for that table you can't be too careful
about protecting your wood great
Doreen's real and you gave him a condom
what the hell are we gonna do now well
we're not gonna have time to eat and
then wait around to swim so we'd better
swim first now their son might be
sexually active and they need to know
that who did Judy we don't know he's
having sex he could be using that common
for anything what else do people use
condoms for smuggling heroin I'm just
saying we don't know the kids having sex
oh hey mr. mrs. Miller this is my
girlfriend Tracy Tracy of these are
Ryan's parents oh you're Brian's parents
Brian so great I hope you won't get mad
but the other night Brian really helped
us out by giving God look what's
floating in the pool the beach ball
right my mistake i thought it was a dead
clown anyway tell him thanks for giving
us the notes from chem class well
Bryan's a giver bill could you help me
could you please just help me stick me
having sex did you see this little
of a girlfriend we have got to tell his
parents oh there's no gentle way of
putting this where we're helping their
son get it on with his girlfriend I know
there's a gentler way than that
let me handle this they think of me is a
straight sh**t I'll better you than
their son you don't talk hi sure
something wrong only if you hate young
love the other day bill found our son
Brian rifling through his wallet and
turns out he wanted a condom which bill
gave him but not from my wallet I
finally ditched that about a year ago
yeah I figured what's the point that sex
in a public place was probably just a
one-time thing anyway we took that
opportunity to teach Brian about
abstinence and responsibility but all
you can do is try i mean our parents
couldn't stop us from doing what we
didn't right i was verging on my wedding
night wow really i wasn't even a virgin
on prom night uh-huh this is interesting
and a little uncomfortable why are you
telling us all this well when Brian
asked for the condom he told us it was
for his friend don't worry naturally we
thought he was lying I mean come on
Dorian who names a kid Dorian I I
interrupted you honey you're saying the
condom was for our son yes and we
thought you should know this is
ridiculous hold on Dorian could you come
over here for a moment sup this is
important so I need you to be honest
eyes please did their son Brian get you
a condom mm-hmm do you have any condoms
no are you a Tracy doing anything
inappropriate know if Brian said that
he's lying okay son you can go
we are so sorry we'd have to stand there
and watch my do that you poor bastards
we thought awesome was the liar turns
out it was yours so you remember medium
rare for me right and when broad minded
people turn they really turn where's
part of all this is telling Elise you
could kiss your ass that having to go
back for your sunglasses that was rough
she said you know Jake and Elise and all
those PTA people are supposed to be
perfect and we're supposed to be the bad
then we try to do the right thing and
they kick us out because their kids lie
to their face eyes please do you hear
music it's not all the kids were at
hello yeah oh great we're gonna have to
tell Brian his friends a big fat liar
can you get down here please just to say
this yours no that's Bonnie's we were
studying Brian you know you're not
allowed to have girls in your bill room
Bonnie Ryan where r Bonnie's books oh we
were doing research on the net I have to
go now do you need a ride no thanks I'll
just sit out and Brian we were only up
there because I was showing her a really
cool website Oh what's it called I don't
remember doc calm Brian right but
nothing happened I swear see how could
you like us how could I tell you the
truth it's too weird I can't talk to you
guys about it's too weird do you have
any idea what having sex means what if
that kind of broke and Bonnie got
pregnant are you prepared to make the
kind of decisions that you would have to
make Brian this is reality do you want
your whole life change just because i
buy the cheapest condoms i can find
what's the ensure food we're going to I
just wanted to have it in case you are
way too young to be having sex way too
young when are you old enough fine there
is no right age to have sex although
considerate children wait until their
parents are dead which judging by the
numbness in my left arm could be
sometime tonight if you wait until
you're mature and you're with someone
that you love and respect who loves and
respects you back then it's special like
it's supposed to be you understand what
we're trying to tell you Brian yeah I
think some and you know that we
absolutely do not want you having sex
right now cuz it's just not the right
time
Ryan yeah here but you said hey kit yeah
I'm gonna cut I'm gonna drink I can cry
and drink
[Music]
well starting to get a little nippy out
[Music]
[Applause]
02x03 - Still the Bad Parents
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Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple trying to raise three children responsibly without sacrificing their youthfulness.
Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple trying to raise three children responsibly without sacrificing their youthfulness.