10x08 - Another Turkey in the Trot

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: Back in the ' s,
no one hosted Thanksgiving

like my mom.

From turkey to taters,
her dinners were legendary.

And no one loved them more
than me and my brother, Barry.

It's hours until Thanksgiving,

and soon we will stuff our faces

to the point of overwhelming nausea...

just like the pilgrims first did

- many years ago.
- America!

We overeat to honor those who cannot,

which is why I created a food plan

so we can ensure our stomachs
are properly expanded.

Wake up at : A.M. to eat
. Toaster Strudels?

It is crazy how much
I'm learning in med school.

Beverly, we're here.

Hi, Linda. Here ya go.

Why are you giving away the dishes

that hold my Thanksgiving foods

before they enter my mouth
and fill my belly?

Well, it felt weird to have
Thanksgiving here without your dad,

so I told Linda she could host it.

Oh, Lou, grab a dish.

Sadly, I cannot.

I sprained my wrist
opening jars for Linda.

He has very sensitive joints.
That's why I mow the lawn.

Enough with your obviously
fractured marriage.

I heard the word "jars".

You do know everything
must be homemade from scratch,

including in-season fruit pies?

And that means fruit from trees, Linda.

Boys, be nice!

What her food lacks in taste
it more than makes up for

with its disturbing presentation.

Thank you. Wha... Wait, what?

Mom, you can't do this to us.

This blows.

I have nothing to be thankful for,

except all the world has given me.

- Dad wouldn't want this.
- Lou: The boy's right.

No one hated Linda's cooking
more than Murray.

Maybe the best way to honor Dad

this year for Thanksgiving

is to have it right
where it should be...

right here at home.

Oh, it's sweet how much
it means to you two.

So what do you say, Mama?

Well, it's a lot of work in a
short amount of time, but...

Thanksgiving is back at the Goldbergs'!

- Huzzah!
- Yes!

Thanksgiving is saved from Linda!

Lou. [Grunts]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was the day before
Thanksgiving, -something,

and while the rest of us
had to wait to stuff ourselves,

my niece had already started her feast.

Erica, I'm desperately seeking

my "Desperately Seeking Susan"
video and...

Sister parts!

- I'll come back or not.
- Please, don't go.

I could really use
some human interaction.

Seems to me you're having a
very intense human interaction.

Well, I would talk to Geoff,
but he's not here.

You know where he is?

Somewhere he's not confronted

with the mysteries of the female body?

The twerp's actually out for a run.

Good for him, moving his body.

Not my bag, but some people swear by it.

He's training for the Turkey Trot.

Living his best life.

Meanwhile, I'm cooped up here
every morning.

- [Cooing]
- sh**t, I lost track.

Do you remember which breast
she was on when you came in?

You really can't sense other
people's discomfort, can you?

Baby, younger baby, guess what.

Five miles in under minutes.

That's awesome or terrible.

It's a sport, so I famously
don't know the ins and outs.

Here I was thinking that having
a baby would slow me down.

If anything, my times are improving.

Great story. Well told.

Oh, and I borrowed your Vaseline
for my nipples.

Runner's World said that
it helps prevent chafing,

which I was starting
to have an issue with.

Oh, were your nipples
a source of discomfort?

But no more, thanks to a generous glop

of medicinal jelly.

Okay. Get the [bleep] out.

- What?
- What?

I said get out of here and take
a shower, you maniac.

Oh, right. [Chuckles]

Yeah, back in a bit.

God, I have so much energy. Whoo!

What about me?

I'd like to run, but no,
I'm a lonely dairy cow.

And do lonely dairy cows get to run?

- I'm gonna say... no?
- No, we don't.

We just sit here smelling like
spit-up and despair

while the life force
is literally drained from us.

And what's drained from me

is the desire to ever drink milk again.
Goodbye.

While Erica overflowed with resentment,

Barry and Pop-Pop were gobbling up

some Thanksgiving entertainment.

God, I love the parade.

The Clydesdales, the floats, Ed McMahon.

It's basically perfect entertainment.

At last year's, a Rockette got cold.

You can't top that.

The grocery store was a zoo.

I had to fight a woman for a yam.

[Chuckles] The only thing
that got candied was her ass.

Your hands look full, so I'll
help you out by telling you now

I'd like a whole picnic
watermelon for lunch.

Barry, it's November.

Cubed, no seeds, in a glass bowl

so I can make sure you made no mistakes.

Whoa, are we eating that yellow
dingbat from "Sesame Street"?

We need a big one.

Marvin's bringing a lady,

and I think it's a real
girlfriend this time

and not a bail bondswoman.

Marvin and some Jezebel?

Now I gotta say no to giving
money to two idiot grifters.

I have faith that this year
will be different.

Let's give Marvin and his likely
shifty girlfriend a chance.

Well, you do what you want.

I'm stashing my wallet
in the toilet t*nk.

Tell your mom not to seat me
near Marvin or his strumpet.

Probably won't pass that on.

We have real problems
brewing with Erica.

Yeah, she's really open
with the common area feedings.

We also need a better labeling
system for milk in the fridge.

Yeah, human bodies are insane,

but I mean she's gonna
ruin Thanksgiving.

Apparently, she's resentful
'cause Geoff is running.

Same thing
with Uncle Marvin and Pop-Pop,

- except not at all about running.
- What do we do?

Clearly, we have no choice

but to insert ourselves
into their problems

and make sure Thanksgiving
is a peaceful triumph,

or Mom will never want to host it again.

She's been through too much this year.

We have to make it a joyous holiday

free of conflict and strife.

- For Mom.
- Yes, for Mom.

But also for us.

A future of eating Linda Schwartz's

Ritz Crackers appetizer?

She just fans them out.

I'll handle Uncle Marvin and Pop-Pop,

you fix this Erica-Geoff drama.

We're gonna save Thanksgiving
for our beautiful mother.

[Breathes deeply]

What is going on with my fruit?

While Barry was gonna iron out the kinks

with Marvin and Pop-Pop,

I was gonna smooth over Geoff
and Erica's troubled marriage.

There's the guy.

Oh, what fun banter.

Are we brothers-in-law or
brothers-in-closeness-and-affection?

Small talk over.

Listen, you want your wife to be happy

and not secretly resentful, right?

Oh, no! Major conversational
tone change.

Erica's super jealous you get
to go running all the time.

So she wants to run?

I mean, Muriel was really
going to town on her,

so I wasn't completely present,

but she wouldn't stop talking
about running.

Okay. I know just what to do.

And so, armed with my limited
and inaccurate information,

he did this.

"Excited for you to get
out there! Love, Geoff."

What the hell is this?

Whoa! Top-of-the-line running shoes!

He wants me to run, does he?

Well, I'll run all right.

Great, run!

But why did the room get so much colder?

Geoff thinks he's gonna win
that stupid race tomorrow?

But, oh, no, another turkey
has entered the Trot.

Love the determination,
but, reality check,

it's very unlikely you can run
a race faster than him.

Why the hell not?

For one, he's a real runner,
and earlier I saw you

eating a chicken pot pie
in the bathroom.

I am a mother! I have to multi-task!

And maybe this present
has given me the edge

because now I have rage...

the rage of a new mom
who's just been called out

- by her husband for being out of shape.
- Ohh!

Is that what's happening right now?

Runner boy is going down.

♪

[Breathing heavily]

Here I go.

I might not have saved Thanksgiving.

While Erica was setting out
on a hate run,

Barry was determined
to keep things friendly

between Pop-Pop and Marvin.

- [Doorbell rings]
- Marvin's here.

Be nice, Pop-Pop.

Eh, I was nice once, wasn't for me.

Barry, thank you for having us.

I brought flowers.

Probably picked 'em
from his neighbor's garden.

These are store-bought!

They're wrapped in that
fancy brown paper

like a dirty magazine.

Good afternoon, Father.
You're looking trim and hale.

And the yellow cardigan
really brings out

the jaundice in your eyes.

Trying the ol' pickpocket, huh?

Joke's on you, kid.

I hid my wallet,
and I don't even remember where.

Uncle Marvin, where's this
new girlfriend of yours?

- She's parking the Celica.
- Celica?

Don't you have some dumb vehicle

that perfectly illustrates
your terrible decision-making?

I don't know what you mean. But he did.

There was a DeLorean, a red guy,

one he called "The Lady",

and, of course, the car
from "Knight Rider."

Sure, in the past,
I was fond of a big swing

in the transportation
department, but no more.

Toyota is the modest gal for me.

Speaking of modest gals.

- [Quietly] Hello.
- Don't be shy, sweetie.

She was a chatterbox all the way here.

I was counting mailboxes.

[Chuckles] What a peach! This is Martha.

Hit 'em with the million-watt smile.

Marvin, oh, it's so good to see you!

[Gasps] And who is this vision in brown?

Mom, this is Martha.

Why don't you take her and her
green beans into the kitchen

and show her how you
get yours extra creamy?

Oh, well, the trick is...
heavy on the heavy cream.

- [Chuckles]
- I don't get it.

What, are you on the run or something?

And what's with this disguise?

This is what I wear now.
I'm a bank teller.

Someone put you in charge of money?

[Chuckles] I don't believe it.

Quick, what's the interest rate
on a high-yield CD?

. % compounded semi-annually.

Crap, that's too boring to follow up on.

I understand how you might be skeptical.

I've given you plenty of reason
to feel that way.

But things have changed for me.

Martha's given me a fresh start.

She's given me reason
to be a better man.

I just wish you could be happy for me.

I suppose if you're happy
with this mousy broad,

then I'm happy, too.

Whoa. Pop-Pop's mouth
crinkled up a little,

and it probably wasn't from indigestion.

You must be feeling pretty good.

I hate my miserable life.

It was Thanksgiving.

Geoff and Erica were gearing up
for the Turkey Trot.

Hey, you two!

Everyone in here getting along

and running for all the right reasons?

Oh, you know it.

It's just me, my two legs,
and the open road.

Melting away the worries of the day.

Your teeth are gritted, but I'm
just gonna chalk that up to,

let's say, runner's high?

Oh, speaking of which, I'll
catch up with you guys later.

I want to get a pre-run run in
before the real run.

- Bye.
- Oh. Bye.

So you're really gonna rage-run
against your husband

- in a holiday race for charity?
- Oh, no.

When I fell going up
the stairs yesterday

and couldn't get up for half an hour,

I had time to come up with a new plan.

Celebrate a peaceful Thanksgiving

- with everyone you love, I hope?
- Get this.

He'll come home with his
first place medal,

naturally I'll be infuriated.

Sure, that tracks.

But I'm gonna let my fury simmer.

Not simmering fury!

Until we're all sitting down
to say what we're thankful for.

And I'll say,
"I'm not thankful for anything,

because my piece-of-crap husband
only thinks about himself!"

That is not at all in the spirit

of a traditional Thanksgiving toast!

Oh, once I see that medal
around his neck,

I'm gonna come in first
for ruining Thanksgiving.

Barry: Caw-caw, caw-caw. Adam!

Consider being a good person

while I attend to
the whippoorwill in our hallway.

- Out here. Bird sounds.
- [Whistling]

Ad-Rock, we've got a real problem.

Can't be worse than my thing.

Uncle Marvin hates his boring life

and is crying in the basement.

I was wrong!

This is gonna be a complete disaster!

But Mom needs a peaceful
and loving Thanksgiving.

Great news!

The sticks of butter

I jammed under the skin of the turkey

have finally dissolved,

but there's no one more juicy
and delicious than my boys.

Oh, yeah, we are.

You get everything right, Mama.

Oh, I have to say I'm really
glad you convinced me

to have the meal here.

Mwah!

Mwah!

Crap, did you see the light in her eyes?

I don't wanna snuff out Mama's light!

But if Geoff wins this race,

Erica's gonna blow up Thanksgiving.

Unless you run that race.

Me run what now?

I'd easily do it myself,

but I'm tied up with Marvin and Pop-Pop.

Wha... I can't b*at him.

He's been training all month,

and my body isn't equipped
for more than strolling.

And you've been training
for this your entire life.

Being Cowboy # in "Oklahoma!",

standing next to a cone
when you had that job once,

and other relevant memories from
your past that prove my point.

Are you saying that even though
my upper torso is that of a boy,

my legs are somehow built for speed?

Adam, I'm almost a doctor,

so I am confident that
my confidence in you is valid

and in no way a trauma response
to me seeing our uncle cry.

Fine! I'll save the
day by dishonoring Geoff

so our sister will not
confront their marital issues.

So Barry convinced me I could win.

Whether he could convince Marvin

that his life was on track
was a taller order.

I don't get it.

You got a great job, you got a gre...
grown lady,

and you smell less
like ground beef than usual.

My stupid boss said I had to cover up

my natural scent with cologne

because it was "confusing
Judy's seeing-eye dog."

It's a step in the right direction.

My musk is my thang, bro.

Do you know what I pray
for every single day?

A bank robbery.

I would rather be hog-tied
and stuffed in that vault

than have to stand
at that teller window.

If this is the beginning of you
asking me to join a heist,

I'm a tentative no.

If I hear Marco drone on

about his kid's little league
team one more time,

I will puncture my ears
with all of the chained pens.

They're - ,
forget the playoffs, dummy!

"I'm proud of him."

That's what your father just said.

You hear that, Marvin?

His actual words were...

"Eh, I guess I'm kinda proud of him.

Now move it, blondie,
I gotta take a whiz."

Slightly different but still
pretty good for that old walnut.

I'm sorry Murray missed this,

but you have made this
a Turkey Day to remember.

- Yeah.
- [Whimpers]

You can tell by his tears
that he's truly touched.

[Whimpering]

It's nice that he'd proud.

Of the fake me!

I can't believe that I changed
my life and my scent

to try to impress this man!

You seem to be winding up to something.

It's time I tell my dad
what I really think about him.

Your mom said it's
a Turkey Day to remember.

Well, she ain't seen nothing yet!

With that, my Uncle Marvin was
gonna stop hiding who he was.

Meanwhile, I was hiding
in a turkey costume

to b*at Geoff in a race.

And while it seemed almost impossible,

that day, something amazing happened.

P.A. Announcer: Go!

Adult Adam: Despite my years
of skipped gym classes

and overwhelming fear
of physical activity,

I was fast.

[Triumphant music plays]

I tapped into a well of
strength and speed

I never knew I had.

P.A. Announcer: Whew!
That turkey's running

like he's got a lot on the line.

♪

Adult Adam: I was racing for my mom.

I was racing to save Thanksgiving.

And against all the odds, I did it!
I won!

[Laughing, gasping]

P.A. Announcer:
The turkey has collapsed.

And here comes the pack.

Wait, isn't this the finish line?

That's in about six miles.

- You ran like yards.
- What?!

Oh. Oh, my God.

Oh, this is both horrifying
and undeniably hilarious.

My toe! My little toe!

It's critical for balance!

♪

Barry and I were determined

to make it a great
Thanksgiving for our mom.

But tensions were simmering
as much as my mom's

triple-cheesy potatoes au gratin.

Uh, without exaggeration,

I have literally pulled
the greatest meal in history

out of my remarkably toned tuchus.

- [Light laughter]
- And everything smells scrumptious, Bev.

And the painful sting of not
being on the original guest list

hasn't dampened my excitement.
Praise all.

Screw these place cards.

- I wanna sit with my boy, the banker.
- Bank teller.

And I'll be happy
to sit next to you, Father.

We should probably
honor the place cards.

Since pilgrim times, they
are legally binding documents.

Your sketchy legal knowledge
is crazy wrong

but crazy hot, babe.

Marvin, you're over here, next to me.

Great. So great.

Sorry, took a little while
to get down the steps.

It's not just my toe, it's also
the painful realization

that my name could've been
in the "Jenkintown Post".

I'm bummed you didn't win, too, hon.

I was so rooting for you.

You win some, you lose some
is something people say, right?

It is disappointing, Geoffrey.

We cleared space on the mantel
for that trophy.

That damn turkey came out of nowhere.

Son, what do you say we go hunt turkeys?

I mean, that's something that
fathers and sons do together.

Oh, would that make you happy?

'Cause it's all about your happiness?

Why's he saying weird things?

Pop-Pop's just looking
for a simple yes or no

on the k*lling of innocent birds.

Speaking of innocent birds,

Beverly, that is a thing of beauty.

Oh, thank you, Lou.

You know, the secret is cutting
your basting butter

with sour cream, buttermilk,
and melted Jolly Ranchers.

That explains the vibrant color.

I've never seen one that
looks so moist and juicy.

I make a turkey every year, Lou.

Both our statements are true, Linda.

[Laughs] Who invited Henny Youngman?

Sir, you are a comedic dollop
of Cool Whip on my pumpkin pie.

Before we really dig in,
I have something to say.

We should eat first.
Everyone, take and pass.

Marvin, can you pass
the cornbread soufflé?

I'm sorry, do you have to speak
so loudly into my ear?

Uh, Marvin, tell us more about the job.

I'm a bank teller. I sit behind a cage.

And I get to see how much more
money everyone else has than me.

Boom! I think we fully covered
Marvin's career journey.

Next topic, let's say turtles.

Geoff, how many turtles passed you

on the way to the finish line?

Mr. Glascott, I'll bet you've got
something to say about turtles.

Indeed I do.

I had two turtles growing up...
Sheldon and Michelle.

So, is there a promotion in your future?

Branch manager?

Marvin, you'd be a great branch manager.

Why are we still talking
about Marvin's work?

The most important thing is

he won his cranky father's
love and respect.

End of story.

The turkey doesn't even need the gravy.

Bev, you're a miracle worker.

Bar, can we come here again next year?

Next year is my turn!

Maybe next year my husband
will run a marathon

while I'm home with the baby.

Or go climb Everest.

While those are both on my bucket list,

why are you saying them
in such a mean tone?

Oh, I know how to reclaim
the elusive festive spirit.

Adam, why don't you go put on
that adorable turkey costume

you had on this morning.

- Turkey costume?
- No, no.

I was wearing Barry's Eagles jersey.

Mr. Glascott gets his
large birds mixed up.

I can abide many an insult.

But I do not get
my large birds mixed up.

Adam, you're the one that tripped me?

But why? I would've won!

Oh, who gives a crap?

It's all we've heard about for weeks.

While I'm stuck at home with our baby,

you're out having an affair
with the open road.

Guys, guys, I'm trying to have a meal

with the son I finally love.

What you love is a sham.

You love what you wish I could become.

- Well, guess what?
- Nobody guess.

I'm still me, damn it!

I tried. I got a mind-numbing job.

I wore khakis.
I got a boring girlfriend.

Crud, it's happening again.

And for what?

For your happiness, not mine.

I didn't tell you to get
a boring girlfriend.

If you had a problem with me
running, why didn't you say so?

I shouldn't have to say so!

Adam, do something.

Oh, like you got a great handle

on the Marvin-Pop-Pop fiasco!

I knew you were the wrong partner

to try to save Thanksgiving with!

How dare you!

I entered a running race for this.

A running race!

You know what? I'm quitting my job.

- Why would you do that?
- 'Cause it's not who I am.

I have a buddy who said
he's gonna cut me in

on an electric fork
that he's trying to invent.

That's who I am!

- And, Martha.
- I don't care.

I'm sorry, Doll. We had a good run.

It was just okay. See ya.

Can someone give me a ride home later?

[All arguing]

Excuse me. [Glass clinking]

I have something to say. Excuse me.

As many of you know, I was reluctant

to host Thanksgiving this year

because I was afraid it
wouldn't be like it always is.

- Sorry, Mama.
- We failed you.

No, you didn't.
Because you gave me a Thanksgiving

that is exactly like it always has been.

This is who we are.

I mean, sure, we argue,

but it all comes from a place of love.

So thank you.

I'd like to say what I'm thankful for.

There's a time and a place, John.

Geoff, this may be hard
for you to understand,

but as joyful as it is
being a new mother,

it's very hard to watch your
husband living his best life

when you are healing
from an as*ault on your body.

Oh, God, Erica, I haven't been
nearly supportive enough.

- I'm so sorry.
- No, in all our years together,

you only had this one tiny blind spot,

and I'm pretty thankful for that.

And, Marvin,

you tried to change
because Murray isn't here,

didn't you? Well, he was the good son.

And I thought that my dad
deserved that in his life

and instead all he got
was the same old screw-up.

Were you trying? For me?

Oh, I was the real screw-up.

I mean, I-I wasn't there for you
enough when you were growing up.

Yeah, but you're here now.

And I ain't going anywhere.

And, Lou, all those
terrible things you say

about your wife's cooking?

Keep them in your head...

like I do.

The truth is, she's an amazing woman

and she puts up with me all the time.

Yeah, Mom, you're the best.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To a perfect Thanksgiving.

Adam: To the perfect Thanksgiving.

Perfect.

[David Bowie's "Changes" plays]

Thanksgiving can be a tricky time.

♪ Ch-ch-changes,
turn and face the strange ♪

It can be stressful,
bring out the worst in us.

Especially when you're missing people

who've always been there.

♪ Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes ♪

But the best traditions endure.

Sometimes you even add
new faces to the mix.

And all these years later,

even though we're all grown up
and have families of our own,

we always come back to my mom's.

And it always feels like magic.

♪ Time may change me ♪

♪ But I can't trace time ♪

Ugh! Ugh, no.

I don't need to see your lady business

as I eat my evening cereal.

Relax, this is beautiful and natural.

- So just get over it.
- [Doorbell rings]

Hey, neighbors.

[Gasps] Oh, look at you.

Providing life-giving nourishment.

- Uh, this is a little...
- What's the matter?

Not enjoying your invasive
neighbor eyeballing you?

I'm just gonna take the baby
upstairs for unrelated reasons.

- So, Barry, you needed something?
- That was it.

Okay.