02x07 - Project Reboot

[bunniefuu]

Nice.

Why won't Ron text me back?

Reagan, like I said to Bush after 9/11,

you gotta wait this thing out.

Diggity dope morning, bro-workers.

Question, if you guys had one wish,

what would it be?

More Simpsons p*rn.

That's right. I'm the one person

who likes that.

You're wondering who's that for?

It's me! Guys like me.

Disturbing. And no!

Bruh, I'm not really in the mood

for a big team hang right now.

I may have just lost the love of my life

- Yikes!

- Coffee break!

I never thought I'd go from Harvard

to serving coffee,

but what the f*ck is that!?

Just an action-packed adventure.

Fun for ages six to six and a half.

Oh no, this is bad. This is very bad!

The movie? Yeah, but it's like good bad.

No, you idiot.

There's no such movie as Shazaam.

It was called Kazaam with a "Kuh,"

and it starred Shaq,

the Sinbad of basketball.

- That can't be right.

- I remember a movie Shazaam.

I know I saw it.

You think you remember it

because the fabric of space-time

has been tampered with!

We've entered a parallel timeline.

Quick! Tattoo everything you know

about yourselves on your bodies!

- Oh my God.

- sh*t!

- That's kind of working for you though.

- Here's proof of the prime timeline.

This means one thing.

Rand's unearthed Project Reboot.

The universe is at risk

unless we stop him!

What's happening?

Tattoo g*ns?

Oh God, this is an emergency!

Reagan!

J.R., the only way

my dad manipulates reality

is with vodka and Korean boner pills.

You're misremembering

the name of the movie.

No one has seen Rand for days.

He could be passed out in his office,

or it could be much worse.

Oh, Lord!

He's gone AWOL in the damn head.

Okay, this is more Howard Hughes

than I would have thought.

What's Project Reboot,

and where the hell is my dad?

I feared this day would come.

It all began years ago.

Also, do you want like a T-shirt

or like a like a large towel?

It all began years ago in college

at Harvard. Tap, tap.

We get it. You went to Harvard.

and your dad arrived

with an attitude problem.

You really need two tuxedos?

It's called class.

and I hated him

because he was an abrasive assh*le.

Oh!

I told you,

this beer is for the Harvard Lampoon!

They control comedy for some reason.

So buy more

with Daddy's credit card.

I'm trying to build a perv bot

to spy on that sorority.

I'm intrigued,

but isn't that a little creepy?

Oh yeah, majorly.

But in the late '70s,

this is considered lightheartedly comedic.

I heard the word beer in there.

That makes me think there's beer in there!

sh*t, the RA. Stall him.

Doug, wow, you're looking fit these days.

You've been pumping iron?

Hm.

Although we hated each other,

we realized when two people

with enormous egos

and really weird-shaped dicks join forces,

anything is possible.

We decided to go into business together.

I'm calling this a success.

It buried itself.

Finally, we came up with something

that would put us on the map forever.

You've actually done it. A time machine!

Want to explain how it works?

Nope.

Good enough for me.

Let's fire this bad boy up!

Throw on this tinfoil hat to be safe.

Seriously, tinfoil?

The chrono-resistant properties

of aluminum

allow it to preserve the freshness

of casseroles and space-time.

But sure, keep it off if you want to risk

permanent timeline alterations.

Huh.

All right. Here we go. Three, two, one.

Did we travel back in time?

Ah, sh*t! Your face is naked.

Your horrible mustache is gone!

- What the hell?

- And there's only one moon.

Wait, what the f*ck? One moon?

Oh yeah, minor thing.

There used to be two moons.

Surfing was way more fun

in the old timeline.

Menstrual cycles were hell though.

Don't you see what this means?

Project Reboot worked!

Not as a time machine, but it worked!

The machine created

random changes to the present

by altering small events in the past.

Now we're in timeline "B"

where I have no mustache,

there's only one moon,

Look, Christian bears aside,

is this gonna make us any money?

You're worried about money?

This machine alters reality itself.

If we could perfect it,

we could become gods,

and no one could stop

- Agh! No, I'm too rich to die!

- If you're gonna k*ll us, do it quick.

I want to spend as little of my life

in this building as possible.

Your machine is tampering

with unholy godlike forces

not meant for man.

That's our job.

Who the hell are you

Dorito-headed dipshits?

We are the power

behind all things.

The true rulers of the world,

but our ancient ways have gotten

a bit out of date.

We need help modernizing.

Wait, you want to give us a job?

Your innovation and daring

have impressed us.

We ask only

that you dismantle Project Reboot.

In exchange, we will hire you

to create a shadow company

using your technological wizardry.

We will grant you the power

to control the world on our behalf.

Ah, my old evidence-burying shovel.

Tonight, we dance again.

Rand, we don't know who these guys are

or the true extent of their powers.

We should not go behind their backs

and f*ck with them.

That's why we need this machine

as an insurance policy.

Trust me. You'll thank me one day.

An inspirational story.

Until now.

Rand must have started up the machine

and reality itself is in danger.

Very Christopher Nolan,

in that I don't understand it

and it gets worse

the more questions you ask.

Jesus, there is nothing my dad can't ruin.

This is what you guys wanted, right?

Vodka water coolers

and cosmic annihilation.

I told you guys he'd be the end of us all.

But Rand is finally

in charge of the company.

Why would he choose now to go postal-er?

The Robes.

He must be in danger of losing his job

and he's trying to get it back.

What are you doing?

Scanning our brains

to preserve our current memories.

I have a feeling

things are about to get pretty convoluted.

We got to find Project Reboot

and stop Rand from destroying reality.

Hey, Alpha-Beta. I got a job for you.

Really? Am I part of the group now?

We're gonna need

a better way to track timeline changes

than giving each other face tattoos.

What the sh*t happened to Andre?

Rand must have used the machine again.

We're now in Timeline 1D,

where Andre may or may not exist,

footballs are cube-shaped,

and Brett's movie starred a whale,

apparently.

J.R., fire up the van.

Oh, sorry. I haven't driven myself

since the Carter Administration.

- Uh, are you gonna put on a shirt?

- Yeah.

- It's very distracting.

- Put it away!

No.

Shotgun!

Also, we're listening to my podcast

on the way.

Okay, no response yet,

but at least in this version

of the apocalypse we're still dating.

Today, we have on friend of the pod,

Elon Musk,

who I kidnapped and tied to a chair.

Say hi, Elon.

God, our banter's electric.

Okay, according to J.R.'s body, that I'm

still having confusing feelings about,

this is where the machine is hidden

with your dad.

What are you doing?

Turning you into a reality scanner.

This is insulting, Reagan.

I look like a Teletubby!

No, you don't.

Now we can use

the power of your tummy screen

Don't call it that.

and find out what happened to Andre.

Look away. This might be gruesome.

Ah, I've freshly dropped out of college

and stolen this robe.

Hello there, whippersnapper.

Would you be interested in joining

a covert shadow organization?

Well, sure, I

Whoa, a dollar!

I'm gonna buy a lotto ticket.

Lemon, lemon. Y-Y-Yes!

f*ck, yes! I'm a millionaire.

Okay, so good. He won the lottery.

Now he's America's favorite TV doctor!

In my medical opinion,

this guy's a freak!

Let's party, bro!

Uh, I thought

I was gonna get medical advice.

My life could not be

any better right now!

I would change nothing.

Wow, universe 1D is treating Andre right.

The team will be relieved.

Wait, maybe we should

keep this to ourselves.

These guys tend to get easily distracted.

If they knew Andre was okay,

they might flake out on the mission

and start pursuing their own side plots.

They wouldn't

when the fate of the world is at Huh.

The fate of the world is at stake!

- I have a thing.

- We're out of time.

- Rain check.

- So dramatic.

You want me to do what about what?

- Overreaction alert.

- Can you hold on?

What's going on?

How bad is it on a scale from Inception

to Interstellar to

Tenet?

Well, actually, he's

Oh my God. No!

Andre is dickless!

What?

Yeah, in this reality he got his d*ck

stuck in a pretzel maker.

Just wetzeled the thing into a a knot.

And he became a Scientologist.

That's disgusting!

The thing about his d*ck too.

Are you sure? Let me see that thing.

Guys, we have to focus on the mission.

For Andre's d*ck.

For Andre's d*ck.

Anomaly incoming! Brace yourselves!

Oh God, President Reagan is dead!

Well, I guess if no one's gonna tell me

to tear this thing down,

uh, let's extend it?

What the hell was that?

In this timeline, Russia won the Cold w*r.

Also, Paul Giamatti is a sex symbol

for some reason.

This is an outrage!

Those Russkies will never take me alive.

su1c1de pact! Who's in?

It's not worth it! No!

So, we're owned by Russia now.

How dystopian could

these timeline glitches get?

Also, dinosaurs never went extinct.

g*dd*mn it, Rand!

"Shamuzaamskisaurus:

Dinosaur Stalin Whale Genie."

Ridiculous! The g*ng's favorite movie

is Shazaam starring Sinbad.

"Kuh, kuh!" Kazaam, f*ck!

There, there, you're safe now.

I'm starting to hit my limit

on wacky, sci-fi bullshit.

This mission better be worth it.

Fellas, I'm sensing

a classic Reagan screw job.

I just saw Andre's face on a billboard

and his d*ck looked fine.

What?! If anybody's gonna be famous

in this timeline, it better be me.

Oh, damn it! I knew we should have

taken the UFO.

We have a UFO?

Yeah, but it's always crashing.

Cheap-ass Roswell labor.

Brett, when this is all over,

you can fly the UFO.

Okay?

I'll fix the flat.

Hold on, Ron. I'll fix this reality.

Just Just don't go anywhere.

He's a f*cking millionaire?

- Oh, sh*t.

- No, no, no!

I didn't want to show them, Reagan.

Glenn keeps fiddling

with my tummy antenna.

You weren't gonna tell us

that Andre is a millionaire?

And he got a horse penis transplant

and his d*ck is better than ever?

Maybe Rand's changes

are actually good for the world.

I want to know what Universe 1G

has in store for Gigi!

Guys, guys, let's all calm down.

It's what Shazaam would want.

I lied because I knew you would

get distracted by your own interests

and bail on me again.

You think I forgot what happened

when my dad took over?

What's going on?

I want to see my alternate timeline.

Come here, you glorified Etch A Sketch!

Myc, I never thought

it would happen, but you did it.

You're pregnant!

Sweet shiitake, I have spores!

I'm gonna be a mother!

Give me that!

Glenn Dolphman!

Gimme some sugar, Dolores.

You mean there's a timeline

where I didn't get the dolphin surgery

and Dolores never left me?

g*dd*mn, I miss my fingers!

You know how hard it is to jack off

with fish webs?

Gigi, please!

Just a normal day

as queen of the f*cking Illuminati!

Lin-Manuel, start rapping

about how much you suck.

Yes, Queen.

My God, in this timeline,

none of us work for Cognito

and every one of us

lived our g*dd*mn dream lives.

Don't you understand?

Those are just temporary false realities.

We have to get back to the real one!

I get it.

You want to keep the timeline

from changing

because you finally found a boyfriend.

What? No!

Well, maybe some of us

are sick of our realities

and we'd like better ones.

All I know is, I'm ready

for the joys of motherhood! Myc out!

I hereby honorably discharge myself.

Wait, Gigi

Look, this is something

I've wanted my whole life, Reagan.

I I have to take this chance.

Gigi's Louboutin has a home

in Lin-Manuel's ass.

Now wait a g*dd*mn second.

You're telling me everyone on the team

got positive timelines except us?

What in the reverse

white privilege sh*t is that?

J.R., in front of you! Look out!

Reagan, I'll tend to J.R.

You complete the mission.

Thanks, AB.

You've been a real team player today.

It was nice to finally have a team.

Wait, you had those the whole time?

I'm literally missing an arm.

Again, such a good job today.

Leave it to my dad

to destroy reality

just to keep his f*cking job!

This is crazy. It's like we're walking

through some kind of blizzard.

A reality blizzard.

Note to self, pitch show

called Reality Blizzard to Amazon.

Nolan can co-EP, but not show run.

He'll be too controlling.

Brett, focus. Now is not the time

to coin new sci-fi sh*t.

The time anomalies are reaching

maximum impossibility limit factor.

You have to hurry!

The final showdown, us versus your dad.

You think he's got it booby-trapped?

What's wrong?

Thanks for sticking by me

when no one else did.

A good leader wouldn't drag

their best friend

into their dad's bullshit.

I don't know if we'll ever get back

to our realities,

but I've seen yours and it looks good.

If I succeed, I'll see you again.

But if not, good luck, Brett.

But

All right, assh*le!

You've messed with my life long enough!

No, that's not it.

I want to just

What?

Dad, are all these bottles

half full of whiskey or pee?

Oh, I lost track days ago.

I thought that you were trying to get

revenge on the Robes for f*ring you.

Why are you doing this?

That's how many times.

That's how many times

I tried to get you both back.

You and your mother.

Into the same timeline.

But it never works, Reagan.

No matter how many times I try,

you both hate me.

You did all this just to get us back?

I had everything.

I had my job, I had power.

I know it's a f*cking cliché,

but it's true.

You don't know what matters most

until you lose it.

Please, help me fix it.

Help me get her here.

Dad, this was never gonna work.

You can't just hit a button over and over

and expect a relationship

to go back to the way it was.

And I know that it is scary

to give up control.

You don't have to do it alone.

Let's shut this thing down together.

Guess our sh*t timeline's

better than nothing.

Let's pack it in, kiddo.

Agh!

Reagan!

So there you are, partner.

Look at you.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

What? How do I look

like I'm enjoying anything?

You see these pee jars?

All year, you've put me through hell,

and then you went and gave everyone else

on the team their dream timeline

after I propped your drunk ass up

your whole career?

Oh, please.

Without me, you'd be another rich brat

working in the non-shadow government.

I've been taking your advice my whole life

and look what I have to show for it.

I'm gonna get what's coming to me.

The money, the house, the car!

And I'm finally gonna get

my humorous essays published

in the g*dd*mn Harvard Lampoon!

J.R.! The machine,

it's totally unpredictable.

Press that button,

you could end up in hell.

I'm willing to take that chance.

J.R., you are going

to destroy the universe!

No!

I was finally gonna get an infinity pool!

Wait, is that?

Brett! You came back!

But how did you remember this reality?

I made notes on my poster,

and then that helped me remember

that we had this!

Oh, a poster.

I tattooed my whole body

with liquid tinfoil for nothing.

Plus, we got to take the flying saucer.

Wait, what do you mean "we"?

Guys, but why?

We got to our alternate timelines,

but the more your dad

kept pressing that button,

the more they all went to sh*t.

Turns out I wasn't pregnant.

I just had way too much Del Taco.

I've been there.

And I almost bent the knee

to the g*dd*mn Russkies.

I serve only you, President Putin.

Wait a second. What the heck am I saying?

Better dead than red!

Thank you, convenient alien spaceship.

And I got tired of having a horse penis.

Okay, hear me out, what if I surgically

gave you a horse vag*na?

Where are you going,

my wife Scarlett Johansson?

I had to run the Illuminati's

Disney Channel division, Reagan.

Doc McStuffins?

More like Doc McStuffed

with satanic messages!

And I was the world's

preeminent puppeteer.

But that world is so catty.

Your stitching is

fine.

You said something nice, but it felt mean.

So we rebooted our memories

and now we're here.

Glad to have you back, guys.

Glad to be back.

- Me too!

- Amen.

I'll admit,

I'm finally starting to like you guys.

Alpha-Beta's memory drive should let us

restore the timeline

Okay. Now.

Yes!

Wait, to when you reprogrammed him?

So that means

SHAZAAM - SINBAD

Great. Well, now my back tattoo

makes no sense.

Hey! Where are you taking us?

And what does this mean for my internship?

You're both going

in front of the Robes for sentencing.

I better not wind up sharing a cell

with that assh*le again.

College was enough.

Dad, maybe going to Shadow Prison X is

the best way to protect you from yourself.

I spent my whole life

thinking you were a hero or a villain,

but you're not. You're just my dad.

A screw-up.

Well, I think interventions are bullshit.

But in this case, you might be right.

I might be what now?

You're right, okay?

I'm sorry for everything, kiddo.

When you run Cognito,

just do things better than I did.