1x01 - Tony

[bunniefuu]

CHURCH BELLS RING ALARM BEEPS RADIO ON BEEPING THRASH METAL PLAYS

(Man) Tony!

Tony!

For Christ's sake, Tony!

Tony!

Sorry! The volume's bust again!

Turn it down!

I'm trying!

Every f*cking morning!

Why don't you just get the sodding thing fixed?!

All right. All right.

Pull the plug out!

What?

Pull the f*cking plug out, you twat!

Jesus Christ, Tony!

Pull the plug out, you pillock!

Tony!

Tony!

MUSIC CONTINUES Oh, sh*t!

MUSIC STOPS DOOR HANDLE RATTLES

(Man) Bugger!

KNOCK AT DOOR How long you gonna be in there?

Not long now.

Oh, f*cking, bollocking, twat, f*ck.

How come I'm never allowed to use my own sodding bathroom?!

Oh, Jesus wept.

SPITS Hey, sweetheart, do you want some eggs?

No, thanks.

Effy's having some. She didn't sleep too well.

(Man) Get out of the bathroom.

I need a piss!

Tony! He won't even answer me.

I mean, what's he doing up there?

Perming his f*cking pubes or something? Anthea, what is he doing?!

I think that lock's messed up again.

I put the drill under the sink.

You take me for a complete James Blunt, don't you?

Sodding, f*cking, bollocky sh*t, wank. Where is the twat?

DRILL WHIRS

(Jim) Every f*cking morning!

RINGING MOBILE BUZZES f*ck off.

Wake up, Sid, you twat.

'I'm asleep.'

No, you're not.

'Or just too bored to speak to you, so leave a message.'

You're a lazy turd, Sid. We have plans, remember?

Concerning your cock. Ring me.

RINGING

'Waaaagh! Got you! I'm not here, you wankers. Leave a message.'

Jesus, dozy f*ckers.

MOBILE RINGS Tony? What?

Jal, can you nip round and wake Sid up?

Nip round? He lives half a mile away.

Just nip round and quickly give him a...

'I'm trying to f*cking practice here.'

'I've got another call. Stay on the line.'

Jesus.

Hi, Nips.

'Stop calling me, Nips.'

'It's a funny name.

'I've seen a few nipples, Nips, and yours are f*cking hilarious.'

My nipples are not funny, OK?

'That's your opinion. Anyway, you said you'd help out with Sid today? '

What?!

With Sid. The virgin thing.

You weren't serious?

He's got to pop his cherry and I've nominated you to, you know, help out.

God, Tony. Do I have to?

You promised. Hang on, I've got Chris on the line. Stay there.

Whatever.

Yeah, man. You rang?

'Where the f*ck is everyone? It's nine o'clock.'

Oh man, I'm in bed.

Can't you go and get Sid?

I can't. I'm busy. Busy-busy, you remember?

Ah, Buck Tooth?

Yo!

Give her a big hello from me, yeah?

You already did that, didn't ya. It's my turn now. All right, laters.

Anyway, it's not that much to ask, Nips.

Sid's almost 17. He's gotta get laid before his birthday otherwise he can't be my friend, obviously.

What the f*ck are you talking about?!

Sorry, Jal. Wrong call. Can you hold?

No.

Perhaps you could help out with Sid's cherry.

'I don't think so! You need someone deaf, blind and stupid for that.'

That's unkind.

Bye, Tony.

Wanna come to a party?

'Goodbye, Tony. And stop calling Michelle Nips.'

It's a funny name. She's got a funny nipple...

'You still there? '

All right.

'Huh? '

I'll help Sid if he's so desperate.

'Safe. We'll do it at the party tonight, yeah.

'Meet us in the cafe so we can plan.'

I have to plan?

Oh, yes. Later, Nips.

'I said don't call me...! '

They're fine!

MOBILE RINGS I can't talk right now. Ooow!

Cheers, Tony.

Tony?

Hello, Mr Jenkins. It's Tony.

'Hi, Tony. What can we do for you? '

We're a little worried about Sid. He's got a sociology test in ten minutes and, er...

'What? He's what? '

(Man) Wake up you lazy, bone-idle, little fucker!

Ah.

Up! You complete and total f*cking sodding waste of f*cking space!

What?

(Tony) 'Cafe now! We've got things to talk about.'

Like what?

Virgins.

'Huh? '

Virgins. Virginity.

Whose?

Yours, you anus.

I'm listening.

'Hang on.'

Tony?

Cheers, Tone. My uncle wants to stone me to death now.

'No, he doesn't. Your uncle's lovely.'

What was it?

Party tonight. Sid's getting de-cherried.

Chris promised Maxxie we're gonna go to his big gay night out.

Is Chris gay?

No.

Are you gay?

No. But Maxxie says there's gonna be lots of hot women there...

...desperate because there's nobody to shag - except for me and Chris.

Anwar, you dippy twat. Sid's flying solo down the tunnel of love and he needs support, yeah?

Could we watch?

Oh, Jesus!

PHONE RINGS Yup.

Hey, Maxxie. We need you tonight.

Sorry, Bruv. Big, gay night out. Me and the lads.

The lads?

Yeah. I'm going to take them on a voyage of wonder and discovery.

'f*ck that! Look, Max - for Christ sakes! '

Can you stop f*cking tap dancing? I can't hear myself think.

Sorry, Tone. Gotta get these moves. You know - for the show.

Do they have tap dancing in Death Of A Salesman?

It needs a number. I've always said that.

'Anyway, meet me on the green before psychology.'

Got ya.

God, I'm good.

Sid.

Sid, you still there?

Sid!

Er, yeah?

A personal briefing is essential. Cafe, 20 minutes.

'Tonight, Sidney my Cherry o' Baby,' you present Mr Happy with the keys to the Furry City.

Tonight, Mr Happy.

The Furry City.

BELCHES I'm crap in the mornings.

You're always crap. No exercise, rubbish food and too much caffeine.

f*ck off.

I didn't have a sociology test, did I?

No.

Fucker.

This better be good.

Trust me. Tonight we go to a party and you finally pop the cherry.

You finally get the VIP tour of Netherland. You finally...

f*ck off! "Finally".

It's embarrassing.

It's common and quite normal for someone of 16 to...

No. It's embarrassing, Sid.

sh*t.

All right. How?

We go to the party and we get a girl catastrophically spliffed up.

In her confused state, she comes to believe, however momentarily, that you're attractive enough to shag.

Who's the lucky girl, then?

I think you're gonna like this.

Oh, yes. You are a very, very lucky little boy.

Michelle?

I'm gonna do it with Michelle?

Hang on, Sid.

I'm gonna dock the ferry with Michelle.

Cheers, Tony. You don't know what...

Hi.

...what this means.

Are we getting me laid or shall I just start filming and take it back for private time?

All right. Who's stupid enough to f*ck Sid?

Cassie.

She's still in hospital.

They let her out. She's just not allowed to handle knives.

All right. She'll do.

We're gonna need a lot of dr*gs.

Get an ounce. We can sell it at the party.

I've got to get an ounce of spliff?

There's this guy who'll sell on tick. Tell him we'll pay tomorrow.

But why don't you go?

Got tai chi, then my choir audition, then psychology.

Cassie's great in the sack.

As long as she's not hungry.

Who says?

(Both) Everyone.

OK, f*ck it. What's this guy's name?

It's all on there.

That's this guy's name? Mad Twatter?

Is that waking up your chi, Karate Kid?

PIANO PLAYS

You've gone away But I feel you near The softness of your touch is somehow always here And I watch with my ever sorry eyes Knowing I'm not discreet when you leave me You've far from me And my guard is down I wanna hear it said they'll never part somehow To just love me more And I know for sure That I'm just not discreet when you leave me And when I'm alone I think how much I miss you And long for the day when you will miss me too I sit on my own and dream of how I'll kiss you And you see me in the way that I see you You're far away Will be gone a while I look into a sunbeam Where I see you smile And I have to go Cos deep down I know That I'm just not discreet When you le-e-ave me.

That was lovely, Anthony. Really, quite lovely.

Thanks.

I'm sure we'd love to have you in the chamber choir.

Looking forward to it.

Hi.

Hi.

My frands think you're really cool, yah?

Your... sorry?

My frands.

Are you still coming to my party tonight? It'd be safe if you did.

Bring some frands. My parents are in Cloisters.

We're just going to go wild on drum'n'bass.

Sounds great.

After 8.30 because Miriam has to get back from her cello recital.

No problem.

Bring some frands.

PHONE RINGS I absolutely will. Gotta dash. See you later.

Did you find Cassie? She's coming, right?

Christ's sakes, Michelle!

Tell her we've got spliff and all the Cheesy Wotsits she can eat.

I'm going to psychology. I'll come and do you with the magic motor.

You got new batteries?

Nice. Warm it up for Super Fly.

You! You, boy.

What's your business in here?!

Interview.

I doubt that.

This is an all-girl school. Where should you be, boy?

I'm at Roundview College.

And you think you can just walk in here and accost ladies, do you?

I was auditioning for the City Chamber Choir, responding to a perceived need for more male parts, man.

My name is Mr Griffiths and I'm the head of French here and addressed as "Sir".

Do they even teach you French in that technical college you attend?

They do.

And what do you call your French teacher?

Pierre.

You! Come here! I want to know your name. Come here!

I'm talking to you. I'll report you to your college, you common oik!

Hey, it's me. Yeah, did you find it?

I think so.

I dunno, Tone.

Totally f*cking weird, OK?

'I don't care if it looks weird, Sid. Get on with it! '

All right.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS I told you, Tony. I'm f*cking doing it.

Oh!

Are you my 2.30?

'Sid.'

Hi, Mum.

You here to see Alicia?

I'll ring you back?

Come in, for Christ's sakes.

'Where are you? '

College.

The neighbours are bitching with the cameras.

I gotta go. I'm not talking to anybody.

I've got to go.

Alicia?

I'm going to French. I'll talk to you later.

Little geek guy here! Is he yours?

Hi.

You here for a threesome?

Big Issue?

Get a f*cking job, Kenny.

f*ck you.

How was the holiday?

sh*t. Faliraki's gone downhill.

Crap hotel. Four stars means nothing now. f*cking nothing.

See ya.

Big Issue, love?

(Girl) Here he comes, cock of the year.

(Boy) So who's gonna tell him we can't go to the party?

Shut up. Here he comes.

What you been doing in Poshville Towers, eh?

Broadening my horizons.

Those girls do not do fickety fick with town scum like you.

It doesn't matter what you can do with your muscles.

I say this world extends way beyond this field of dreams. And I want to see that world.

What the f*ck's he on about?

He's quoting. It's a literary reference.

What? You mean Shakespeare and sh*t?

Dawson's Creek.

I don't know what that is, but if you guys want to waste your life watching television...

You don't watch television, Chris?

No, I don't watch television, you braindeads.

Can you not think of anything better to entertain yourselves?

Like?

Like pills.

Is that it?

No.

Shagging.

Cultural.

Oh, yeah.

It f*cking is cultural.

You're full of sh*t. Nobody's gonna shag you with a cock that tiny.

You shouldn't have got it out.

It was strip poker, what do you want me to do?

You weren't even playing! You shouldn't have got it out, Chris.

Just because you lot are such a bunch of pussies.

Enough of that. Gotta go because we got psychology. We don't want to miss Angie.

You will come to this party tonight?

Aaah, I can't, man.

(Girl) Me neither.

(Max) We told you! Big gay night out.

We'll have a shed-Ioad of spliff.

Look, we don't need any. The town's awash.

It's like someone planted up Lithuania.

Oh, Christ. Sid's scoring an ounce now.

Call him off, man. You'll be oversupplied.

Sid?

Answer, you twat!

HUMMING

You wish you could have me back And be your fool forever...

I got to walk in on 'em by mistake now.

Do you want a coke or something?

No. Do you think he'll be long?

Not once I burst in all flummoxed up, he won't.

No, I meant the guy I came to see.

Mad?

Mad. Is that... Is that his real name?

Oh, yeah.

RHYTHMIC BANGING ON WALL You know what, I think I'll come back later.

It's fine. Just don't stare. He doesn't like people staring.

Right.

He's sensitive, you know.

Just don't stare at it.

At...

At what?

Hello!

I've unexpectedly come home early by accident!

RHYTHMIC BANGING GETS FASTER Sid, for Christ's sakes don't buy the dope. Nobody's coming.

We're aborting the mission.

And Sid. Pick up your messages, you absolute and utter lower colon!

SIGHS RHYTHMIC BANGING AND MOANING SCREAMING Oh, f*ck this.

You staring at me?

No, not at all.

So, er, you're Mad?

Yes, I am.

Maddison Twatter...

PhD.

You got a problem?

No, no, no.

Um, so you're a doctor, then?

Who said?

Well, the Ph... D thing.

Yeah, yeah, you could say that. You could say, um, pretty... huge... d*ck.

LAUGHS MANICALLY Yeah!

CONTINUES TO LAUGH Which?

Which?

Doctor, Pretty Huge d*ck. Which?

Both?

I like you. What's up, kid?

I mean, do you wanna...

Do you wanna get laid?

Huh? How did you?

I mean.

No, no. I was, er, looking to maybe get some spliff.

LIGHTER CRACKLES You being f*cking funny?

Absolutely not.

Show me some money.

Right, well. That's the thing.

Cos someone said that maybe I could get the stuff, and pay, like... later?

Woah.

Oh, f*ck!

Credit terms. That's just a whole f*cking shark att*ck there, right?

I quite understand. Let's just forget...

No, f*ck it. It's your game, if you want to play it.

Do you wanna play?

Yeah, yeah... Yeah.

Um, how about an ounce of spliff?

Three ounces it is.

No, no, an ounce... of... spliff.

Three ounces.

That's three hundred pounds of easy credit, so you've got 48 hours to pay me.

SOFA CREAKS, BAGS RUSTLE Have you got balls?

Yeah.

I'm just checking, because your balls are your collateral.

You got me?

Yeah.

After time, denial, anger and bargaining will give way to a depression.

In this phase the sense of emotional loss is amplified and may seem unbearable.

WEEPING In this phase, the feelings of low self-esteem and hopelessness are common.

But these will finally give way, eventually, to the final phase of acceptance...

WEEPING CONTINUES

...an understanding that what has been lost can never return, and that life can continue although it may be very different.

(Sobbing) Oh, God!

SOBS And a journey is complete.

No more sports science teachers, Angie.

SOBS SUBSIDE I know.

Hey, it doesn't matter how big his d*ck is...

Shut it, Chris.

You're all so lovely to me.

I need you... your coursework in by next week for the deadline, if that's OK.

It's important for my department score, you know...

SOBS I could say that he touched me up in the shower or something.

Could you?

Chris, you idiot!

What? What?

Where the f*ck have you been?

Doing What you said. I f*cking hope this is still on. You got hold of Cass?

Yeah, but thing is...

Great. Well, I got the spliff.

Didn't you get my messages, you tit?

MOBILE PLAYS WELCOME CHORDS MESSAGE BEEPS MORE MESSAGE BEEPS SIGHS Problem?

MESSAGE BEEPS Please!

You OK, Angie? Another day, another dollar, eh?

Yes.

Can I carry your books?

Um, yes, but you don't have to do it every day, Chris.

I do.

MOBILE RINGS I'll get it.

No need...

Angie's phone... Stop ringing her, or you'll have me to deal with.

Let me have it.

Yep, Chris Miles here.

Angie's friend.

She's got friends, you know what I'm saying, you tosser.

Right. Yeah, yeah, I'll have the coursework in by Thursday.

Are you saying I can have an extension?

Yeah.

Don't ring her again... bell end!

Sorted him out!

Right.

I'm not sure you're supposed to...

Thanks, Chris.

Pleasure is all mine, Angie.

Shall we?

Jesus. Is that it?

Yup. It's Abigail's party. And we've got to sell an ounce of dope.

I was meaning to talk to you...

So we tell them it's like, Mongolian Hallucinogenic or something.

They're all so dim they might just buy it.

Yes, but you see, that's the thing.

Tony!

Hey.

Hey.

Where is everyone?

Not coming. And Sid has to sell or he's in sh*t with his dealer.

Hang on. "My dealer"?

Anyway, I brought Cassie. Cassie, you remember Sid, right?

Yeah, wow, lovely... No. But I like that you're funny-Iooking.

That's cute - like, wow, man.

How's the treatment going, Cassie?

Oh, it's cool.

I wear a white dress and now I can eat yoghurt, Cup-a-Soup and hazelnuts now.

I'm not sick if they let me play with the cats.

Yeah, it's like...

...hazy days, you know.

Well, that's encouraging.

Oh, thank you. You're so nice.

Cass, Cass, Cass! Sid's going to be looking after you tonight.

Oh, would you? Wow!

And Sid's got a whole bag of dr*gs.

Wow!

That's so nice.

And I bet you won't even make me eat anything.

No. No.

Thank you.

Right, great! Let's go in and shift this ounce, then, yeah?

It's three ounces.

I got three ounces.

Hi, Abi.

Tony! Lovely.

And these must be your frands.

Sorry?

Yeah, this is Michelle, Cassie and Sid.

Super.

Wow, you're lovely.

Super.

Where's the kitchen? I want to see the kitchen.

It's through there. Come in.

Cheers.

Oh... shoes.

It's just that Mummy had this carpet imported from Iran.

We have to be so, so careful with the pile.

Right, yep, sure.

Sorry.

(Tony) No problem.

Can I get you some rum punch?

I'm afraid we're getting rather giggly on it - isn't that safe!

Mmm, we love rum punch, don't we, Chelle?

Super.

Everyone, this is Tony and his frands. Tony, this is Sarah, Josh, Sarah, Maddie, Felicia, Hugo, Sebastian, Sarah, Sam and Sarah.

What was your name again?

Sid.

Sid? Is that Polish or something?

No, I don't think so.

Danuta's Polish. Danuta.

She doesn't speak English.

But you can just speak to her in Italian or in French.

She likes you.

Oh. Cheers.

Abi, I wonder if you and your friends would like a little something?

Something?

You know, get a bit squiffy.

Oh, ya, that would be so safe, you know.

Great, because we've got some really cool sh*t which would get you...

But we can't smoke anything in the hice.

The "hice"?

Yes, because the silk wallpaper's just arrived from Rome, and Mummy's particular about odours, and we simply mustn't, or she'll go wild.

Bummer.

OK, yah. This is MC Hugo on the decks, and we're going to have a tremendous time, yah?

(AIl) Yah!

So let's chizzle on this dizzle and party down.

RAP MUSIC PLAYS Isn't that something?

Ghetto-stylee.

Oh, come on, Tony! Isn't this just bitching?

Come on, Tony.

JARS RATTLE AND CLUNK Hi.

Oh, hi.

This is so, so wicked.

They've got such cool food. Look at it all.

Wow.

Right. Are you hungry or something?

Oh, no. You mustn't eat it.

Just... arrange it.

They haven't got it organised properly at all.

There.

That's it. Much better.

I don't feel sick now.

Cool.

So... are you going to f*ck me later?

Pardon?

You know. Like Michelle said.

She said that?

Oh, yes.

Look, I've got all this f*cking weed.

Do you want a spliff or something?

No.

I can't.

It makes you hungry.

Well, I don't mind.

I do.

Sorry.

Oh... wow.

You can keep me company, yeah?

Yeah.

HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS Jesus.

As big gay nights go...

It's not that big.

I'm sorry, guys. I just wanted to show you my world, you know.

I'm definitely not turning gay.

Me neither. Nope.

It can be a lot of fun.

We had the Pontypool Mounted Police Formation Dance Team in last week.

What a blast!

Well, just have to imagine that.

Hey, where you going?

To find that party.

Nah.

It's posh kids. All the boys are gay.

Yeah?

Are the girls gay too?

Look, everyone's gay. Right, let's get the f*ck out of here.

GIRL SHOUTS I think we found it.

Bosh!

Double bosh! And it only took five hours, four buses and two bottles of vodka.

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS Man, check this thing out!

Cool, man.

Yeah!

Ooh, yep.

Careless.

Hey, Tony...

Tone. Changed our minds, man.

The monkey man's here!

PANTING Wow!

Oh!

Wow.

This is lovely, lovely, lovely. Wow.

Waoo!

Cassie? You OK?

Get up here.

You've got to, got to bounce. Whoo!

(Abi) Tony, it's too wild, too wild.

Take them off, take them off!

OK.

I'm totally wired...

f*ck!

Oh, sh*t!

It's no good though, Sid. Is it?

What? What is?

You fancy me?

I... Sure, I...

But you really love Michelle.

It shows?

f*cking right it shows.

Anyway, she told me.

She told you?

Oh, f*ck.

She said that Tony doesn't love her properly, but you do, and it's too f*cked up because she totally loves him even though she thinks you're sweet.

Sweet? She thinks I'm sweet.

I'm in so much sh*t.

No, you're not.

No?

I mean, what would you do if... if everything's so f*cked up, and you... and you just don't know what to do?

I stop eating until they take me to hospital.

Look at those clouds.

Wow.

You wanna do it now?

Huh?

I won't mind.

But you'll have to be quick.

Why?

Because...

...I took a sh*t load of pills.

Pills?

What kind of pills?

Oh, you know.

Pills.

Cassie?

Cassie.

Oh...

Oh, f*ck.

You f*cking bastard!

sh*t! What's wrong with her!

She's pilled up, for f*ck' sake.

Time to leave.

Maxxie, Anwar, come on.

Nice one, Chris.

Good party.

Guys, can we get going? Just in case Cassie's like, dying or something.

I normally take her to the city hospital.

It's miles.

I think she likes you, Chris.

Safe!

Yes, but OK, we have no bus or taxi, OK! We are stuck, yeah?

We steal car.

Then make f*ck, English boy, yes?

Yes.

Come on, find the f*cking hospital.

Come on, Tony, we need a doctor.

(Tony) I can't work out the gears.

It's a f*cking a*t*matic, Tony.

HORN HONKS What are you doing?

Tony!

Stop shouting!

She's stopped breathing.

OK, there it is.

SKIDDING HORNS BEEP OK, quick. Get her inside.

Yeah, but what do we tell them?

I don't know, improvise. Go on, we've got to stash the car.

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Oh, I had such a lovely dream...

Wow.

Get it out.

We can at least some spliffs before you're taken out and debollocked.

Oh, nice. Thanks Tone.

Relax. We'll sell it tomorrow.

Where?

We just will.

I like the boats. They go places.

Like over the sea and everything.

Are you OK, Anwar?

Shut up. I can't f*cking pee if you're looking.

You're looking, aren't you?

(AIl) No.

Who's got skins?

Er, me. Hang on.

Don't say you haven't got them.

Stop worrying. We've had all our bad luck for today.

You put them in your back pocket.

When?

Come here.

Hang on. There. Yeah, I got them.

(Michelle) Tony! Tony, do something!

Tony!

Oh, f*ck! Oh, f*ck!

Oh, my God!

Tony!

I think that could have gone a lot worse, don't you?

The dope's gone.

At least we've got our health.

That's the important thing.

Chicken feet scratch out a b*at While head rolls on the ground Lookin' for a piece of meat And sleep in eiderdown I walked a million miles I crawled a million more...

For God's sakes, what are you doing, Miriam?

Why do you have to get up so early?

Just getting ready.

Anybody would think you wanted the neighbours to see you.

Do you hear me, woman?

Yes, darling.

Tony.

Yes, Sid.

Chris and that Polish girl.

They got out of the car at the hospital, right?

I mean, they got out before the harbour, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You still a virgin, then?

Yup.