1x06 - Maxxie & Anwar

[bunniefuu]

CHIME

(Man) Ladies and gentlemen, the seatbelt light has been switched off.

You are now free to move around the cabin.

We've reached cruising altitude and are flying over the French Alps.

Sorry, man.

It's nothing to do with you! It's the vibrations, innit?

Mm, yeah.

f*ck off, h*m*.

You gonna be this horny the whole trip?

Just wait till we get there. Oh, man.

Those Russian peasant babes will do anything for some Levi's and a Big Mac!

OK, everyone. Listen up.

Right, I want you all to remember that this is not a holiday, OK?

This is your chance to nail your module one history coursework - post-Soviet industrial Russia.

It's a chance of a lifetime, g*ng.

Whoopee(!)

Now, this isn't just education, yeah? It's total education.

Total piss up.

Uh, no, no, no, no. There'll be no "piss up", OK?

We're gonna work hard, understanding the culture and history of Mokshovkov in the Mordovian Republic of the Russian Federation.

OK? We're gonna see the real Russia, yeah?

The wild and desolate land that Napoleon and h*tler failed to tame.

This is adventure, yeah? This is living, breathing history.

Who's with me?

Thank you, sir. I was addressing history students only.

This trip will blow their minds, and yours.

Great.

Oi, An, An. Where'd you hide the dr*gs, then?

I thought you were bringing them.

No. You were gonna put 'em in your turban.

I don't wear a turban, Chris.

I thought you were gonna get one especially!

Don't panic, boys. We've got a back-up plan.

Urgh, not up his arse?

(Jal) Christ.

(Michelle) Jeez.

MAGNETIC HUMMING HUMMING Thanks.

ALARM SOLDIER SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN What's happening?

Where they gonna take me?

(Angie) Do something.

Right, OK. Leave it to me.

Tom, maybe I should...

No, no, no. I'm trip leader.

If anyone's gonna be anally searched, it should be me.

Trip leader. Let me through.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

(Woman) Nyet!

(Anwar) Get the f*ck off me!

No, sorry, sorry. Listen, listen! That boy is in my charge and I can give you my personal guarantee that...

Ah.

Oh, I see. OK.

No, no, no. I've given you everything.

Ahh! There's nothing f*cking up there!

No... OK, OK, OK.

That's totally stereotyping. You gonna let them get away with it?

Now what?

Just walk on.

I'm trying - they just look so disappointed I'm not a t*rror1st.

Well, you're a very dull Muslim, Anwar. Very dull indeed.

ROAR OF AIRPLANE ENGINES Excuse me.

Uh, hello, excuse me.

Hello, hi. Uh, we're looking for our bus.

Um, we had an arrangement, uh, for a bus to, uh, Mokshokov.

Mokshokov?

Um... How can I put this? Um...

- We ordered a bus.

Ahh!

SPEAKS RUSSIAN REPLIES IN RUSSIAN Ugh. Bet you never thought you'd be doing this last week, eh?

No.

f*cking hell. This place better be good.

My hair is destroyed. I need a shower and a decent hairdryer.

Oh, great, Tom. We're staying in a f*cking prison.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

This trip is all about understanding other people's culture.

Hello!

(Speaks Russian) Dobry den.

Ya, Tom Barkley. And you are...

Irene Kovskaya. Translator.

Come! I lock you in!

WOLF HOWLS OK, it's two to a room.

So pair up, people!

Raas! Russia's big, bruv! Me's gonna be hyped up.

No, it's same sex only, I'm afraid. So rearrange yourselves, yep.

DISAPPOINTED GROANS Spoilsport.

Come, come.

And we are going to be roomies, I'm afraid.

What?

Yeah. Budget couldn't stretch to single lodgings so...

We'll make ourselves comfy, yeah?

Yeah?

I pushed and pushed but still nothing.

What the f*ck are we gonna do here without any dr*gs? Look it it.

Don't blame me if I've got guts of steel.

Dunno why you came anyway. You don't even do history.

I thought it would be uplifting.

Let me have a go.

Cheers, man.

Magic fingers.

What the f*ck?

What?

"Bad mood - comfy jim jams"?

What? You try arguing with a 45-year-old Pakistani woman, then.

Did she pack you these as well?

No, but she packed me this.

Seriously impressive, man.

Must have taken ages.

You can have it, if you want.

Cheers.

Dinner.

Wank or tell group?

Wank or tell group?

Ah, tell group!

Guys, guys!

I've seen boobs! A girl with boobs!

God, that's pathetic, Anwar.

No. You wanna see this, though! She's got a big chopper as well.

Oh, my God!

I wanna see that.

(Tom) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, guys, what about your dinner?

You don't wanna look at the girl with the boobs?

Nah. I prefer Welsh women.

She was there a second ago. She was there.

She'll come back. She was just there, I promise!

Tell us when the Spice Girls turn up, too, yeah?

Piss off.

She was there. She had boobs.

Yeah, whatever, man.

What you doing?

Looking for your "Sexy Saturday Night Leopard Skin Thong."

We're going out on the pull.

Make sure you don't bring anyone back.

Huh?

We are sharing a room Max, yeah.

I don't wanna have to pretend to be asleep while you're doing whatever you do with some big Cossack guy.

Maybe you can tempt your big-boobed peasant girl in here.

Have a bit of party, you know?

Seriously, I don't wanna have to be stuck around watching you do a guy.

Can I bring a girl back?

I could, couldn't I? You're sh*t, Anwar!

Have you ever tried being with a girl?

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Well, have you?

Well, have you ever tried being with a man?

No! Don't be sick.

You calling me sick?

No!

I dunno what I think, yeah.

I'm just a Muslim.

Gay's... just wrong.

Then you don't want anything to do with me.

All right, Max?

No.

Why?

Well, Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.

What, like, more Muslim than he was already?

A bit more Muslim, yeah.

Oh.

So I need to sleep in here, OK?

Fine. Sid'll swap. You don't mind, do you, mate?

No, it's cool.

Maybe take your bag, too?

Thanks.

What happened?

He's just, like, switched about me being... You know.

Blond?

No!

Short?

Gay!

Shall I give you head?

What?

It'll cheer you up.

For f*ck's sake.

You're supposed to be a friend, and I've come here with a problem.

You f*ck!

We're in Russia. I wanna try something new!

I'm not a hobby, Tony. You're not taking up canoeing here!

I've been canoeing.

Well, what about Michelle?

Loves canoeing.

Tony!

Fine.

What you doing?

I'm gonna get an early night. Coming to bed?

Hey, Max. Can you give me and Tony some time alone, please?

No. Yeah, Sure. Sorry.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Don't come in, Tom.

It's Chris.

Chris.

I'm changing. You OK?

Can't sleep.

Well, have you got a book?

Why would I have a book?

You're a student.

But we don't need books for your sort of thing, do ya?

Psychology. It's all in your head, innit!

Let me in and I'll show you my reverse-psychology.

No.

Fine. I'll go away then.

All right.

Very clever.

So what do you want?

Just wanted to see you.

OK.

And, er, maybe a goodnight kiss.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hope you're decent!

Wait a minute!

(sh*t!)

(Hide!)

OK. Come on in.

Tom. You're staring.

Was I?

Tom!

Sorry.

Well, I'll be over there.

If you need me.

(Oh, God.)

You OK?

Yes, um...

I'm sweet as a nut.

I bet you are.

Tom, what are you doing?

Squat thrusts.

97,96

95, 94, 93, 92,

91, 90...

Oh, my God.

Sid! Quick!

Still nothing...

She's back! In a bra and pants!

What? Pretend Spice?

You know sometimes, people wanna see something so badly they actually start to imagine they have seen something?

OWL HOOTS TOM SNORES TOM SNORES CLANGING Wakey-wakey!

Hour for cleansing.

Girls first clean, then boys clean!

There is no f*cking way I am doing that!

All right, Max? Man, Sid's farting last night was rough.

Just take it back.

Take back what you said.

See you.

WATER GUSHES sh*t!

SHOUTING It's an experience. Come on.

Come on.

Where's your shampoo? Where's your shampoo?

(Woman) Much water for your dirty face.

It doesn't bloody wash off!

Okey-dokey, karaoke. Folks, listen up.

Listen up!

This way, please.

Now, there's been a few problems.

But are we gonna let it get us down?

No. So.

Let the education begin.

MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN Horse come in.

HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN We break legs.

HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN Then crush.

Add water.

Boil, then glue.

HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN CLIP-CLOPPING HOOVES, SNORTING OMINOUS BUBBLING Raas! My Little Pony get whacked up big-time. Na wha' I'm sayin!?

NEIGHING AND g*nsh*t SPLASH CLANKING MACHINERY HISSING AND GURGLING CREAKING LIQUID GUSHES

Urggh!

Tom.

Yeah, all right. All right. Like I said.

This is the real world, yeah? Real things happen.

Deal with it. Come on.

That's absolute crap, Tom.

I thought on this trip, we could explore.

You know...

Explore each other?

Tom...

f*ck off!

Come on. Why do you think I brought you on this trip?

You're totally, totally out of order.

Oh, yeah, and maybe you are frigid.

Yeah?

Mmm.

Well, f*ck you, Tom!

Yeah.

Jesus Christ! What are you doing?

He can't talk to you like that.

I'm gonna get the f*cking twat.

It's fine. It's fine!

What am I doing?

DOOR SLAMS Come on... Why not?

It won't take long.

I'll be good, I promise.

No.

Why? You've done everyone else. Georgie, Chris, Sid.

How do you know?

I've seen. I heard about the one with Kenneth and his mum.

Now, draw me.

Just stop it.

Stop it!

Come on, man, I'm inspirational.

Just stop it, yeah?

You're a f*cking idiot. Look...

You've got a best friend who thinks you're a perv, yeah, and you drew him, but you won't do me?

I'll give you head - that's friendship.

The packet says that these tablets will totally flush you out within 24 hours, cos believe me, Sid, we need those dr*gs.

There's no dr*gs, Muslim boy!

Cheers, Max.

You f*cking prick. I can't believe you're putting that Muslim bullshit on me!

What?

I'm against God?

You're the f*cking worst Muslim!

I pray five times a day.

For what?

More pork chops? f*ck it. Let's get a drink.

Of course Allah wants you doing Class As from Sid's arse!

You're talking about my religion!

How was I ever friends with a f*cking hypocrite?

Happy f*cking Ramadan.

It's not Ramadan!

Hey!

Whoa, easy man!

What f*cking else?

My house! No break, no break!

I'm sorry... Sorry.

OK.

Neil Diamond?

Yeah.

Neil Diamond!

Come.

So why are you with Tony?

He's exciting. And he must love me, cos he could have anyone he wants.

Do you think he ever wants anyone else?

Maybe sometimes. He always wants me the most.

I'm his girlfriend and that's special, isn't it?

Yeah. I suppose. Listen, I need to talk to you about him.

Look, I know I annoy you, Jal.

I don't mean to.

Can we get out of here, please? Just you and me?

Sure.

SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN sh*t.

Sid. Sid!

Her dad's turned up and he's shouting.

It's like abuse, man.

Oh, so there's a dad now, is there?

SHOUTING CONTINUES

(Sid) f*ck.

f*ck me. She's real.

He's gonna hurt her. We've gotta help!

(Sid) What are we gonna do?

An, he's going. Her dad's going.

Come on!

Where are you going?

Nowhere. Where are you going?

Nowhere.

You sure you're not going anywhere?

Yep.

Guys?

You going somewhere?

(AIl) No!

Bye, then.

Neil Diamond.

Sit down, sit down!

MUSIC STARTS What is problem?

You won't understand. I mean, you can't even speak English.

No problem!

Vodka!

Now, you tell me problem.

We drink and problem kaput, da?

OK.

Na zdoroviye!

Na zdoroviye!

I'm careering Down that slippery slope Cos the thought of you won't go away...

Chris, this... was a one-off.

I don't have sex with my 17-year-old students.

How old are they normally?

What are we gonna do about Maxxie?

You should hear what he gets up to.

I'm serious, Chris!

OK, I'll have a word.

And you do know that this can never, ever happen again, don't you?

Yeah.

OK. So the plan is?

We get in, rescue her, get out.

Sid's a big hero. Anwar gets his marbles gargled.

Simple.

Hello!

Helloski!

Hey!

Hello!

DOOR CLOSES Anka!

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN Sshhhh!

We're gonna get you out of here.

SHE WHISPERS IN RUSSIAN Sid.

Shhh!

Tie this to the bed. Hurry up, he's gonna come back. Come on.

Come on, come on, slowly.

Go.

No, no.

Trust me, yeah. Go.

SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN He's gonna get you, go.

Come on, come on.

Trust me.

Sid, keep watch!

Agh!

Agh!

MAN SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN

Anka.

MAN SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN FOOTSTEPS APPROACH MAN SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN PHONE RINGS MAN ANSWERS PHONE Every time. Every f*cking time.

"Buy two ounces of weed, Sidney."
"Oh, yes, sir!"

"Shove a bag of pills up your arse, Sidney."
"Oh, right away!"

"Come help me save some random bint."
"Oh, could I?"

What have we learnt, Sidney? Your friends are shitheads.

(f*ck.)

Ahhhhhhh!

Great.

Ummm... me... name...

...Anwar.

Me... name... Anka.

If only you knew the things I'd love to do to you.

Rub my fingers through your hair.

Kiss your lips.

Kiss your neck.

Come on your tits.

Sounds like fun.

You speak English?!

Ya hah!

I learnt from, like, so the best American show ever.

How you doin'?

I'm like... horny.

THEY GIGGLE Come on, this'll do.

This is awful. Let's go.

J, I've never left a bar without being chatted up in my life.

Not about to break that record now.

There's nobody in here!

If you flaunt it, they'll come.

Unbelievable.

Flaunt it, J.

Can you be any harder?!

Nope.

Friends?

Friends!

(Maxxie) Anwar's a f*cking liar. Lies to his mum all the f*cking time.

No, no, no, f*ck that. He makes me lie for him.

Who's Anwar?

Friend.

Who's h*m*?

Me! Anwar hates me cos I'm a f*cking h*m*.

Anwar hate h*m*?

Yeah.

Anwar is friend?

Yeah.

So, Anwar has problem. No, Maxxie. Valentina help Maxxie?

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

Maxxie help Valentina?

Of course.

You want me to draw you?

OK.

Urgh.

Kalinka, malinka, kalinka maya Kalinka, malinka, malinka maya Kalinka, malinka, malinka mayal

Three condomski down, 19 to go.

Did you draw this?

No.

He did.

He must be a good friend.

He'll be there for you when the rain starts to fall.

Maybe not. He's pretty angry with me.

Why?

Cos I told the truth. And that's important.

But what about you? You've got bigger problems than me.

Anka, you can't go home back to him.

You should come home with me. I'll look after you.

Anwar, don't lie to me, it's not possible.

It is! Just, look...

We can live together in my house. I'll look after you.

There may be one or two little hiccups with the parents, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

GIGGLING GIGGLING AND MURMURING Guys! Guys! Sporty Spice has finally arrived.

Anwar's in there with a bloody Russian girl!

Tony, man, shhh!

What? Don't act like you don't want everyone to see.

She's fit, though, ain't she?

Yo, yo, homies, what's happenin'?

Yeah, she is fit. You must have paid for her.

Yeah, Anwar, you pimp.

Aye, what's poppin', baby love?

Oi!

Perhaps she wants a taste of the Kenneth.

Right, not to be boring old teacher, yeah.

I mean, it's all gravy with me, you know, but...

Sid!

You'd not believe what I've just been through.

I jumped out of a window, got chased into a bush, waded through a river, all the while being chased by your nutter of a dad.

But it's OK, though, cos I reckon I lost him.

HE SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN Eurgh. Why's she kissing her dad?

Anka?

He's my husband.

Your husband?

We were on a break.

HE COCKS g*n I'm sorry! I didn't know!

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN Leave him alone. Leave him alone.

HE COCKS g*n Oh, my giddy aunt! Can we be sensible about this?

HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN Stop it, now! That's enough, Maxxie. Now.

Can we talk? Can we talk?

Nyet!!

g*ns CLICK g*n THUDS SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN Honestly, we leave you alone two hours.

And look what happens.

Um...

He totally, like, wants to know who is the leader here.

Yes, yes, officer, yes. Um, officer...

I wanted to thank you, er... because before you arrived I was about to step in and kick some arse.

MAN SPEAKS RUSSIAN There is a charge for armed response.

Wh... What?

It's, like, you so totally will have to pay them.

RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYS HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN You English big hooligan problem.

Tomorrow you leave Russia.

Hey. You OK?

Man... you tried to save me.

Yeah. Well, I am f*cking drunk.

You were right, Max.

I am a hypocrite.

Go on.

No. I can't.

It's not right.

It's religion, Anwar. It's just stuff.

You don't have to believe in it.

Then where does that leave me, Max?

I'm a Muslim boy.

I don't get to choose.

But where does that leave us?

f*cking hell.

I lost my virginity tonight.

Yeah?

Let's get us an old fat lady.

Last drop?

OK.

I'll see you, mate.

DOOR OPENS Hey, it's He-Man.

Shut up.

Poor girl's totally out of it. She's completely wasted.

Tony, you've got to stop f*cking around.

I dare you.

Tony.

We've finally found something you're not good at.

What?

Good night, Tony.

I'll find somewhere else to sleep.

What?

Oh, God.

Problem?

Tom, just shut up.

Hey, Cassie. That's good.

Ta.

She really looks...

- You made her look beautiful.

She is beautiful.

Tony.

Yes, Nips?

Have you got something to tell me?

Er... I dunno.

I like your hair.

No. Your top's nice.

I love you? Any of those?

No.

Ahh. Oh, hang on.

I think it's...

I think I'm about to deliver!

Great. Just in time for Heathrow security.

Huh?

Yeah. I hear they're very strict.

Better keep it up there.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

HE EXHALES AND GROANS LAUGHTER SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN