01x04 - Looking For $220/hour

[bunniefuu]

( g*nf*re on computer )

Kevin: Oh my God, you hate it.

( Distant music playing )

Patrick: I don't hate it.

( g*nf*re continues )

But you don't think I can see the horrible faces you're making?

What? This my normal, everyday face.

I can't control the way I look.

( Clicks tongue ) No, it's crap, isn't it?

( Keyboard clicks ) No, but maybe if it was fully rendered.

No, I'm canceling the presentation.

No no no no. Don't cancel the presentation.

We can figure something out.

No, it's sh*t enough that I made you come in on a Sunday.

( Music continues )

You didn't make me come in.

I offered. I'm happy to help.

On what seems like a gay national holiday by the sounds of it.

( Chuckles )

It's more leather than gay, but yeah.

♪

I mean, it's just the name, "Folsom Street Fair," it just sounds... organic, like you would get vegetables, cake and knitted goods. ( Laughs )

You could take your grandmother there for a nice day out.

Oh, no.

You can't take your grandmother, unless you want to...

See her on a Catherine wheel being electrocuted.

I'm not kidding. ( Laughs )

Oh my God.

Yeah.

It's true.

So what about you? Are you into all this leather, whip, chain paraphernalia?

Ooh, men on hooks?

Not your thing?

No, although I do kind of have...

See that guy over there?

Oh my.

I've got a soft spot for, you know, the old men who masturbate in the ass-less chaps.

And I bet you've got a pair of ass-less chaps in the back of your wardrobe somewhere.

Maybe I do and maybe...

I do.

You're a mystery, Patrick Murray.

What about you?

Do you want to be down there?

Down there?

Yeah.

Now?

Yeah.

No.

So how long have you been together?

Uh, nearly two years.

Wow, two years.

Is that the longest you've ever been in a relationship?

Yup.

Doing this job and having a relationship is hard.

Work takes over.

And you have to find someone who understands what you do.

Hmm. That's not easy to find.

Nope.

And he doesn't have a problem with the fact that...

You know, you're here and he's in Seattle?

Yeah. He cares, but what are we supposed to do?

My work's here. His work's there.

Okay, long-distance relationships are so hard.

Hmm.

You kind of get used to someone not being around.

And when they are around, you...

Have to get used to them all over again.

I guess I've just never been in the experience where I had a distance relationship and had to... ( Cellphone ringing )

Sorry.

No, that's okay.

Get out.

( Stops ringing )

Okay, that's kind of weird.

Oh wow.

( Laughs ) Speak of the devil.

( Inhales deeply ) Hey. How are you?

Good. Hang on a second.

Here. I got you.

Hang on.

( Laughing ) Oh God. That was cool.

Wow, smooth.

Hey.

Sorry, no I was... Stuck in a... chair.

Yeah.

Kevin: Calm down!

( Keyboard clicking )

Don't be. It's fine. It's absolutely fine.

Okay.

Sorry, Patrick. Jon's just arrived at the airport.

Oh, I didn't know he was in town.

Yeah, he's got an interview in the morning and then he's flying back to Seattle first thing.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

But I thought he was getting a car and he thought I was picking him up.

So now he's sat in the back of a taxi...

( Laughs ) Incredibly pissed off.

( Laughs ) Oh no, is he... Is he gonna come here?

No.

He's gone home to the apartment.

I just need to settle him in and I'll be back in, what, an hour or something.

Are you hungry? Can I bring something back for you?

Oh, no no no. Don't be silly.

You should not come back here.

Just stay. Be with your boyfriend.

I'll be fine. Seriously.

Okay, well...

You know what? I'm canceling the presentation.

Uh, no no. Don't do that.

Let me... let me see what I can do first here.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Cheers, Patrick.

( Mimics accent ) Cheers.

It's getting better.

( Laughs )

( Door closes, opens )

( Clears throat )

( g*nf*re )

( Zings )

( Phone buzzing, ringing )

Hey.

Agustín: Yo, what's up girl?

Why aren't you meeting us today?

Patrick: I'm just working.

Is that Patrick?

Yeah.

Hi, Doris.

He says, "what's good, mommy?"

( Chuckles ) Agustín: Yo, tell Kevin you don't work on Sundays.

Kevin's not here.

He's busy with his boyfriend.

Hold up. You're like two blocks away.

Come meet us for lunch.

Patrick, get your ass down here, so I can spank it.

Hugo: And spank mine.

Doris: Folsom! Whoo!

Hugo: Spank mine!

Are you wasted?

Hugo: Spank it. Spank me!

Doris: No, that's gross.

Hugo: Spank me, Patrick.

Agustín: Please don't leave me here alone with them.

Okay okay okay.

Doris: Oh my God.

I thought Dom was gonna come and meet you guys.

Agustín: No, he's M.I.A.

Frank's at band practice, so you got to come.

Have lunch with us.

You never know. You could meet the love of your life here today.

( Chuckles )

Doris: Folsom! Whoo!

I doubt that very much.

( Chattering )

( Man speaks on P.A. )

Hey!

Agustín: Hey.

There he is all alive.

Oh my God, is he there?

( Laughs )

Doris: Awesome.

( Chatter )

Let's get you leathered up, yeah?

♪ ♪

( Chattering )

I don't even know what this is.

Is it a fake anus?

Why would anybody even want a fake anus?

Frank would look seriously f*cking hot in this.

I wish I could wear it. No one's stopping you.

No, I'm saying I wish I was one of those people who could wear something like that and not give a sh*t.

Hey, come on. I will if you will.

What?! ( Giggles )

I'm wearing this.

No, you're not.

Yes.

No, no way.

It's happening.

I am not wearing leather in public. Not today.

Mm-hmm.

Doris: What are you talking about? Patrick, you so should.

You would look so fine all leathered up.

Yeah, but very gay, so...

Oh, f*ck you. That's not why.

No, it's just, normally, leather makes me very sweaty, but...

Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

Don't wear your shirt underneath it.

Take your shirt off. You look like my...

My Uncle themas from Reno.

No, it's good. It's like it's leather casual.

No, seriously, take your shirt off.

And hurry up about it. I got to be somewhere at 1:00.

You think I should scotchgard it in case I get ejaculated on?

Probably should.

Where are we going?

Take off your shirt and I'll tell you.

I am not taking off my shirt. No.

Doris: Okay, where the f*ck is Dom?

( Mimicking dog )

It's just got buttons.

( Laughing )

( Cellphone rings )

May I help you?

Uh, yeah, I'm here to see the owner.

That's me, um, George Fisher. And you're...?

Oh, I'm Dom.

Sorry, I... I, uh...

I might be looking for somebody else.

White man? Handsome?

Looks younger than me, but isn't?

Dom: Yeah. Is he here?

George: Lynn!

Hey.

George: Lynn, this is Dom.

He thinks you're handsome.

( Laughing )

I see you've met George.

Yeah, I thought you were the owner.

Co-owner. George is my partner.

Oh, are you two partners?

George: He's single.

Thank you, George.

So I was just in the neighborhood and wondering if...

Are you free for lunch?

George: He's free.

Apparently, I'm free.

Where are we going? You'll see when we get there.

Okay, well, hurry up because I got to get back to work.

Oh, yeah, back to your... Yeah.

Dotcom billionaire butt-buddy.

Stop saying that. He's just my boss.

With ears you want to pull when you face-f*ck him.

Ugh, come on. He's got a boyfriend...

Who he's with right now and probably having sex with.

Yeah, I bet you're not jealous about that at all.

I'm not.

You're jealous because I'm finally happy and fulfilled at work.

( Laughs ) I'm happy at work too, you know.

I thought you got fired.

What, you got a new job?

Here.

Oh no.

Come on, you promised me.

Don't become a rent-boy.

Sorry.

Hey, CJ.

Agustín.

I'm from the coffee shop.

Hey, man.

Just didn't recognize you without that frosting in your beard.

You must say that to all the boys.

Oh, this is Patrick.

What's up, Patrick?

Hello.

So can we... Can we talk for a sec?

Uh, can I get you a beer?

You can buy me lunch.

You got any cash on you?

What?

Please.

He is... where would you like to go?

You know, I've always loved to cook, and my dad was an amazing cook and actually had a restaurant.

It was in this gnarly, old gas station off the I-5, but it was the best peri-peri chicken you've ever had.

What? The best what?

Peri-peri... chicken.

I don't think I've even ever heard that word said before much less eat it.

Really?

Yeah.

It's Portuguese chicken. It's really delicious.

Okay, so authentic Portuguese food...

In a gas station off I-5?

Yeah. What?

It was a great, f*cking, place.

Okay.

It was just the wrong location.

( Both laugh ) Yeah, you think?

And he was kinda sh*t at keeping his books.

You know?

And when he got sick, I mean, I was 17.

So I didn't know anything about running a restaurant.

Well, you do now.

There's still a few things I don't understand, like how does anyone in this town afford to open a new one?

( Laughs )

And yet they keep doing it.

Yeah.

Which is actually why I wanted to take you to lunch.

Not to ask you for money or anything.

Relax. ( Both laugh )

No, it's just, you know, you've done this before.

You opened buds and then the wine shop.

So this...

This isn't a date?

Uh, oh sh*t.

Um... No, no, I mean, you know, we meet in a steam room, naked.

And then you show up at my flower shop and...

Yeah, no, of course. I'm really sorry.

I should have said something. I... I... I...

I'm messing with you.

Are you?

Yeah.

Tell me about your place.

I'm just hoping it's not anywhere near the I-5.

So what do most people want when they hire you?

It's a long list, man.

Uh, some just want to see me naked.

Some just want to f*ck.

I have this one client. He likes to hang out and watch tv...

Patrick: Oh, that's kind of sweet.

While I jerk him off and call him a f*gg*t.

( Laughs ) Okay, that's not so sweet.

People just want me to do the things that they're too sh*t-scared to ask for in their normal life.

Agustín: So you actually know these guys better than anybody else does.

I guess.

I know part of them.

Like a therapist. I just f*ck people for a living.

This bratwurst is unbelievable.

You have to try this.

Oh no, he can't. He's a vegetarian.

Oh my God, that's so good.

Hmm, right?

God, what'd you just do?

What?

It's not that I can't eat meat.

I just choose not to.

Since when is that the rule?

Since always.

What? Why are you on my case about it?

So what is it that you two want that you can't ask each other?

Oh us? Are you kidding?

We don't... we're not...

We're not.

No.

We just went to college together.

Yeah, actually, look, I'm actually... I'm doing a project.

I'm an artist.

I was hoping that maybe you and I could do something.

Are you sure you don't just want to f*ck me?

Look, no offense, but I get a lot of artists who say that they want to work with me.

Really, they all just want to f*ck me, which is fine. So why waste time pretending, right?

Yeah, right.

No, this is... This is legit.

I promise.

Just so you know, my rate's $220 an hour whether we f*ck or not, cool?

You do realize you just hired a prost*tute, right?

His name is CJ, Patrick.

And sex workers are people too.

No, I get that and he seemed like a nice guy, but I'm starting to get a little worried about you.

Yeah, so am I. Where the f*ck are the f*cking port-a-potties?

I mean, you and Frank just moved in together, and now you're having three-ways, and hiring prostitutes, and eating meat?

I can't believe that happened?

Okay, yeah, the meat was a mistake.

A mistake I am now paying for.

What?

How far away is your office? Why?

'Cause if I have to wait in this line, I'm going to ruin my cutoffs.

Are you serious? Okay, come with me.

Let's go. This way.

This way, this way, this way, this way.

Excuse us. Where're you going?

I think I'm about to sh*t myself.

Can you mince your words a little bit more?

Sorry, coming through.

I met George when he and his friend Brian were selling geraniums and some skunky weed out of an old panhandle victorian.

That sounds awesome.

( Laughs ) Yeah.

Well, being the nice hippy fags that they were, they wanted to open a flower shop.

Of course.

I happened to be a loan officer at the time.

But, I mean, they had nothing.

They had no track record.

But you gave them the loan anyway.

No, I threw them out of my office.

Then a month later...

I ask Brian to move in with me.

Six months later, we open the flower shop.

So you're saying I need to start dating loan officers?

( Laughs ) No no.

I'm saying that the restaurant business is like any other business.

It has less to do with how smart or talented or experience you are... Not that that hurts, right?

But more to do with who you know.

Well, f*ck.

I mean, I don't know anyone who, you know, has half a million dollars.

Ah.

( Car honks )

Do you?

I know some people.

Where am I going? Where am I going?

Patrick: Through here, come.

Wow. It's kind of hip.

Nice.

Hey, you didn't say they made "Naval Destroyer."

Oh man!

Oh, don't tell me you're a 40-year-old career bartender who's also into video games?

Oh my God, Hugo, how are you still single?

Oh, man, play with me. No, I'm not...

I don't want to play video games.

Come on.

That's so... Play with... why?

Are you okay in there?

Does it smell like I'm okay?

I'm trying to breath through my mouth.

You know this is God's punishment, right?

For what?

For hiring a hooker.

( Toilet flushes )

You know, if God exists, I hope she has better things to do than give people the expl*sive shits.

( Laughing )

Can you...

Can you give me like... Like a coke or something?

My stomach is very unhappy right now.

Okay.

I'll meet you out there.

Yeah. Oof.

So tell me about this project.

Is it about rent-boys?

No, it's about CJ.

What's the difference?

Well, it's about him.

I just... I just want to follow him around.

You know? sh**t some video, see what happens.

I really... I just... I can't overthink it.

You know? I just got to do it.

You gonna watch him f*ck people?

Maybe.

Whew, I don't know.

If I was paying someone for sex, I don't think I'd want you in the corner with your crayons and sketch pad.

I think it needs to be more about how he makes people feel.

He did have something, that guy, but it could have just been the jock strap.

You know, if anything, it really is more about intimacy than sex.

Oh, come on.

I don't think jerking off some random guy on a sofa has much to do with intimacy.

Of course it does.

It's all about how paying someone allows you to truly be yourself.

No, that is a fantasy.

Intimacy is me in that bathroom, smelling your sh*t.

Oh my God, what do you know about intimacy?

You've had like one boyfriend your entire life?

Well, that's just because I haven't met the right person yet and I don't want to compromise.

You don't... ( Laughs )

Patrick, all you do is compromise.

That's not true.

Yeah, it is true.

You're doing it right now.

You're basically, what, having a fantasy relationship with your boss.

Oh, come on. I am not having a fantasy relationship with my boss.

Yeah, you are. Oh yeah.

And the real f*cked up thing about it is you get to flirt with him at work and then he gets to go home to his boyfriend.

( Sighs ) I'm sorry.

I'm being horrible.

Must be the meat.

Thanks for lunch.

My pleasure.

I really enjoyed myself.

Yeah, me too.

So what are you doing tonight?

Wait, let me cook for you.

I'll come to your place. We won't talk business, I promise.

It'll be fun, just you and me and a little peri-peri.

( Laughs )

What are you doing?

You're not interested in me.

Remember.

No, I just...

You know, I want you to taste my chicken.

( Laughs )

Look, what... ( Laughs )

Just put a... Business plan together and I'll take a look at it, okay?

Okay, I'll drop it off next week.

Well, take your time. There's no rush.

There is actually. I'm turning 40 in a couple of weeks.

( Inhales sharply, clears throat )

I'll look forward to reading your proposal.

Good.

Great.

Ohh, get off me. Get off me.

( Grunting on tv ) Take it.

How do I get him to move backwards?

Take it. ( Laughs )

Ugh, God, he's f*cking me.

I can't... ( Patrick and Agustín whisper )

Hugo: Oh, uh-oh.

Wow, Hugo.

Yup. I'm impressed.

I can't believe you're b*ating her. Please, tell me...

Tell me how I can k*ll him. Agustín: k*ll that fucker.

Hello.

Hugo: Impossible. Yeah.

( Grunting continues )

Uh, hi.

Hello, friends of Patrick.

How's it going? Hey.

Everybody, this is Kevin my boss.

Oh. Oh, this is the famous Kevin.

Am I?

Um, this is Doris.

We're just heading out. We're just heading out. Hello.

Hello, Doris. Hey. Agustín: Actually, we're going to the stud later if you want to join.

Kevin, you should bring your... uh, well, I...

I think we got our work cut out, but cheers. Yeah.

Have fun. Yeah, have fun.

Okay. I'm Hugo, by the way.

Hi, Hugo.

It's a great game.

Thank you very much. I'm almost done with it.

I'm at 10-2. Yeah. Hugo!

Patrick: Bye, have fun. I got to go.

Doris: Bye.

Kevin: Bye.

( Laughs )

I see you made it to folsom, after all.

Yes. Got yourself a nice top too.

( Laughs ) Um...

Listen, I was... I'm sorry.

I was just grabbing lunch and then I ran into those guys.

We ended up getting sucked into the leather vortex.

It's fine.

Jon wanted to get some sleep before his interview tomorrow, so I thought...

Um...

Should we get back?

Cool.

It's so tough to make a troll sexy.

( Laughs ) But you f*cking did it.

That is the... hands down...

The sexiest troll I've ever seen.

See, I was obsessed with giving him beefy pecs.

( Laughs ) I can tell.

Those are some...

Those are some huge titties. Jesus. Look at that.

Nice, good choice.

Bravo.

Thank you so much.

See, that's why I like talking to you about this stuff.

You appreciate the finer points.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I appreciate you appreciating it.

( Both laugh )

Oh God.

Are you hungry?

Um, I don't know.

It's... I mean, we could get takeout if you fancy something.

Can we... Can we get fried chicken?

Please, please, can we get fried chicken?

I'm just not allowed it at home.

Jon refuses flat out.

Really?

Yeah.

Anything fried, basically.

( Both laugh )

Um, you know, I'm not really...

I'm not hungry.

Do you think that we're actually gonna finish this tonight, in all reality?

I mean...

( Laughs ) Um...

Hmm, no, probably not.

So we should probably cancel the presentation tomorrow.

Because, I mean, if that's the case, you know, then I might go, if it's all right with you.

I just... you know, if we're not gonna get anywhere with this.

Mm-hmm.

Cool.

( Sighs )

Okay, then I will see you bright and early.

See you tomorrow.

Okay.

Careful getting home. It's kind of crazy out there.

Yeah, I don't want to get fisted.

No. ( Chuckles )

Yeah, don't forget that.

I'll take my little friend here.

See you.

See you, Patrick.

( Crowd chatters )

Man: On an open-mic night...

( Indistinct chatter )

♪ Is there no hope ♪
♪ will it ever end ♪
♪ or will I sit and stare ♪
♪ will I ever learn ♪
♪ how not to care? ♪

( Cheering ) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Honey Mahogany.

( Announcer continues speaking )

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Where's Kevin?

I left him at the office.

Wow. Good for you.

Thank you.

Hmm?

For me?

Yeah.

All right.

Oh my God.

Look at you f*cking folsom queens.

Yes! All right, how was it?

Incredible. I saw my first p*ssy ring.

Oh, tell me everything. How was CJ?

CJ? Uh, he's great. He's in.

Um... totally awesome! That's amazing.

Hey, wait wait wait. How did you get him?

Um, he's just into it. He likes the idea.

What's up, Jesse?

Jesse: Hi, Agustín.

Hey, how was band practice?

I think we're gonna be playing the new stuff at the rickshaw thing.

f*ck yeah.

Rock and roll.

Hey, Frankie.

Look at you.

Look at you, lady.

You're so gorgeous.

I could cut your face.

Oh my God, I should douse you in gasoline.

Burn me.

Ready to burn.

All right, what are we doing? Are we here to talk or are we here to dance?

We're here to dance.

How come you're not dancing?

You see that guy over there in the t*nk top?

Frank: Yeah.

That's Richie.

That's Richie?

Mm-hmm.

Well, he's f*cking hot.

I know.

So why don't you go talk to him?

I can't. He never responded to my texts.

So it's weird.

Oh, that's weird.

Perseverance. Go fetch.

Go fetch. ( Barks )

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hey.

( Speaking Spanish )

New look?

Uh, yeah.

I like it.

Really?

Yeah, looks good.

Thank you.

So, uh...

How've you been?

Yeah, I've been all right.

You know, um, still cut.

Look, that wasn't me the other night.

I'm not...

What you...

What you thought that I was...

Trying to go for, I'm not looking for that kind of thing.

Can you hear me in here? It's really loud.

I can hear you.

So should I shut up and go away?

♪ ♪