01x06 - Looking in the Mirror

Yeah, so, you know, I figured we'd go early on in the day, and then we'd make sure that we see everyone.

And you'd get to meet everybody and they can look at you and judge your haircut, considering your profession.

(Laughs)

You think they'll like it?

I think they will.

Mmm.

I guess the only reason I bring up the thing about the friends is that, you know, they can be kind of intense.

Particularly Agustín.

But, um, it's not his birthday, right?

Huh-uh.

No, I told you, it's Dom's.

How did you guys meet again? I know that...

You met Agustín in college, but Dom, you...

How do you know him?

Um...

Well, we actually hooked up once.

But it was eons ago, and it's never again.

Conveniently left that out.

(Laughs) No. Not on purpose.

We're just truly and completely friends now.

To be honest, I think that...

I'm a little old for Dom at this point, if you know what I mean.

I told you Owen's gonna be there, right?

My friend from work, with his girlfriend Bethany.

And Doris will be there as well, which, you know, she's... a lot.

If you're tweaking out about me meeting your friends, I can skip it.

I'm not... there's no tweaking. I'm not tweaking, no.

I just, you know... (Inhales deeply)

It's the first time they're meeting my boyfriend, so of course I want it to go good.

Boyfriend?

Who said I was your boyfriend?

Oh God.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, uh...

Relax.

Now I got me a boyfriend and sh1t.

And a wasp, too.

Score.

You want some "enfrijoladas"?

Boyfriend?

Come on.

And she gets through all of "Carmen" with a broken heel.

Wow.

(Dom chuckles) He's exaggerating just a bit.

Ohh. This is drag her-story, honey.

Exaggeration makes the truth tolerable.

Besides, Lynn was there.

I was.

Did mama Jose ever leave a show unfinished?

She did not.

(Dom chuckles)

Mama Jose... it sounds like a cheap taco joint.

(Laughs)

She was a World War II veteran.

I think she earned the right to call herself whatever she liked.

And she helped build half the restaurants in this city.

Which is why I wanted you boys to meet.

Dom's in restaurants.

Zuni, right?

Yep. 10 years.

I love Zuni, but the last thing this city needs is another Zuni.

You're right, and that's not what I'm interested in doing.

Well, what is it you have in mind?

Do you guys ever have peri-peri chicken?

(Water running)

(Dishes clattering)

♪ ♪

(Sighs)

Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Babe! Babe, babe.

What are you doing?

(Laughs)

It's... It's not working.

What are you talking about?

These are great. That's great.

No. It's just...

Oh, man. I... I don't know.

That guy's hot.

Hot? (Laughs)

That's all?

I mean, he's...

Hot?

I... (Sighs)

I thought that was the point.

I don't know, I think maybe I pushed the chicken too much.

Jack seemed to like it... And he can be a picky bitch.

Oh, tell me about it.

Good.

Do you think we should, I don't know, follow up tomorrow or...?

(Cellphone vibrating) Oh relax. These things, they take time and patience.

I'll call him, but, you know, from the way they were talking about it, I think we've got a real shot.

Are you gonna answer that?

It's just Facebook.

I'm officially 40 on the east coast.

So begin the birthday posts.

You're 40 today?

No.

No, I'm still 39 in California.

I'm hanging on to that as long as I can. (Laughs)

Thank you.

Well, Happy Birthday.

Thanks.

You got plans, I hope?

Yeah. Do you have a thing for this?

Uh, sure.

We're gonna go to Dolores Park.

I'm going to drink modestly and sulk.

You know at 40, Grindr, emails you a death certificate?

(Laughs) Sad, but true.

It'll be like the ghost of Christmas past walking through gay beach tomorrow. (Laughs)

That sounds fun, doesn't it?

You should come.

Oh, that's sweet of you, but my tomorrow's booked.

Oh, it is?

You're surprised?

No, it's just...

I don't know.

Let me tell you something.

On my 40th birthday, we did mushrooms in a canoe on the Russian river.

Maybe you're self-issuing your own death certificate a little prematurely.

Have fun sulking in the park.

Looks good. Here.

Thank you.

You're good at that.

Hey, Pato?

Yeah?

What you said last night about us...

Yeah, the boyfriend thing. Look, I did not mean...

No no no no...

To throw that bomb out there.

I'm in.

You're in?

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh...

I just wanted to, um... (Clears throat)

You see me wear my thing?

Your necklace?

No, not my necklace. My "escapulario".

Oh, yeah. The brown thing.

Yeah yeah. It's something that, um...

Someone's gotta give it to you; It's kind of a tradition.

It's for good luck.

Okay.

Oh my God. Is that where you went this morning?

Yeah.

(Exhales)

Oh my God. That's so sweet.

It was four dollars.

But still. (Breathes deeply)

But it would mean a lot to me.

Yeah?

Yeah yeah yeah. Put it on.

(Chuckles)

You've seen how I wear it, right?

Yeah.

It looks nice.

Yeah?

Thank you.

C.J. feels intimate with these fat guys who are paying him, right?

We really don't have to talk about it anymore.

No, I'm just asking.

Look, I don't wanna be one of those annoying people who keeps talking ad nauseam about what they do.

Oh, she's so modest, my little Cindy Sherman.

C.J. Just does what he wants to when he wants to.

He doesn't feel the need to judge it or explain it, so that's what I'm gonna do.

We're just gonna keep spending time together.

Okay. So when do I get to meet him?

You'll meet him today.

You invited him?

I did.

Okay.

Really, though?

Yeah, it's fine.

Would you get some of the cheetos, the hot ones?

(Chuckles) You're gonna be the black guy who brings cheetos to the party?

Okay, cheetos are f*cking delicious.

Okay.

Fact.

I really think that we can make this happen together.

Did he impregnate you?

You are just glowing like a pregnant lady.

No. We're friends. God.

Gay men are capable of being friends without f*cking, you know?

All right, all right.

Did you know that?

Yeah, I did know that. It's just, you know, God forbid you actually would be f*cking somebody who's not half your age who could actually care about you.

Anyway, we work together. You don't get involved with people who you work with.

Really? How many bushy-tailed little busboys have you been through?

This is different.

It is, isn't it?

(Chuckles) That's exactly my point.

So you met Agustín and Frank, right?

Right.

I don't know where Dom is, though.

Hey!

No birthday boy yet?

Oh, Doris texted. They're like two seconds away.

Cool. You, uh, remember Richie.

How's it going, man? Good to see you.

How's it going?

It's good to see you in the light.

Yeah, right?

Oh, and this is Owen. Remember I talked about Owen?

This is Owen and his girlfriend Bethany. This is Richie.

Oh, the famous Richie. Nice to meet you, man.

Is this your boyfriend?

(Bethany chuckles) Are you the boyfriend?

Uh, yeah, I guess I am. I'm the boyfriend. Hi.

Wow. When did this happen?

Well, it's, uh... it's sort of a recent development.

It's fresh.

New.

Okay, well, let us raise a Capri-sun to that.

(All chuckle slightly)

You have to see the pictures.

No, I definitely... I definitely need to see them.

They're not even ready yet, so...

What are you, accessorizing now?

No, this is a, uh... What is it?

It's an "escapulario".

"Escapulario".

(Speaks Spanish)

Uh, no. I've never even seen something like that before.

Really?

(Speaking Spanish)

(Chuckles) Well, I don't know a single Cuban who'd wear something like that.

I love it.

Hey!

Did you guys get my text?

Uh, yeah.

Where's the birthday boy?

Yay!

God!

Lucky I'm a gymnast.

Look at you.

You look 40.

Oh, thank you. (Laughs)

Happy Birthday. Hey.

So I want you to meet... this is Richie. Dom.

Richie, hey!

Happy Birthday.

How much is it for seven?

15? 20.

All right.

Thanks, man.

I am feeling objectified.

Well, it's true. The very first day at work I completely thought that he was gay.

And it was because of the way that you kept saying, "oh my God."

(All laugh)

All right, but what about your voice mail?

Oh my God, yes. His voice mail is so gay.

My voice mail is not gay.

It is.

It is not.

Well, there's only one way to settle it.

Okay, you want me to play my voice mail right now?

Yes, please.

All right.

Play that sh1t.

I'm gonna play you my voice mail, but it's not gay.

I sound completely normal.

All right, ready?

Hi, you've reached Patrick... (All laugh)

What is so funny?!

Come on.

It sounds totally normal.

f*cking gay.

Okay, guys, Patty's voice mail isn't gay.

Thank you!

You're welcome.

It's just that he spends all his time pretending to be a power-top, 'cause he thinks that's what all men are supposed to be!

Oh, f*ck you!

Who says he's pretending?

Oh!

(All laugh)

It just got real.

I think your gay voice is sexy, Pato.

My gay voice? Everybody really thinks I have a gay voice?!

Really? (All laugh)

(High-pitched) My voice is so gay.

I can't even control how gay my voice is right now.

Embrace it, embrace it.

It's crazy!

Or how gay my walk is.

Dude, Patrick...

I just can't control the way that I walk around.

Dude, Patrick.

It's just who I am.

What, Owen? I can't hear you, because of my sibilant "s"s.

Uh, Kevin's coming over here.

It's so gay.

What?

Kevin.

sh1t. f*ck, that's my boss.

Oh my God. You're so getting fired.


Hey.

Hi.

Thought that was you.

(Exhales) Yep.

So this is where you come to escape our dungeons.

Yeah. Well, you know, it's gay, hipster...

Drunk-girl paradise on a Saturday.

Uh-huh.

Which kind of makes it not so mega-paradise at all.

Kev.

Hey.

It is the one from the food network with the olive oil.

I know, I know.

Oh my God, it's so good.

Yum.

Oh, sorry.

My manners. Jon, this is Patrick. We work together.

Hey.

Jon, hi.

I didn't know you were still in town.

I... I'm in town permanently.

Per... okay.

Jon nailed his interview with the Giants.

What do you do?

Sports medicine. Mm-hmm.

I should be jealous, right?

He stares at world-champion torsos the whole day.

Former world champions.

(Laughs)

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Hi. I'm Kevin.

Richie.

Nice to meet you.

This is Richie.

Hi, Richie. This is my boyfriend Jon.

Hey. So, um, are you in video games too?

Uh, no, I cut hair, actually.

Oh, right, like for a living?

Yeah.

Yeah, for now. But eventually you'll wanna, you know...

Get your own place or something, right?

I will?

Hey!

It's piñata time, fuckers!

(Group cheers) Looks like you're needed elsewhere.

And, Richie, it was nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Yep. Uh, have fun, boys. (Laughs)

Thank you.

Nice to meet you guys.

Yeah, enjoy the ice cream.

See you.

See you Monday. Bye.

Let's do this.

Sure.

(Cheering)

Yeah!

Oh my God.

(Laughs)

Yeah!

Die, younger self, die!

Self-hate, self-hate, self-hate!

No, Dom, there's a puppy in there!

(Group murmuring)

Look at this. Teeth.

Diapers, are you serious?

God, I'm gonna try one of those on.

(Teeth chattering) Just yes.

(Mumbles) I love you! I love you!

(Group chattering) Show me that love.

Hey. Hey, you made it.

I made it.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, C.J., this is Frank.

What's up, Frank?

What's up?

You want some cheetos?

I f*cking love cheetos.

(Sighs deeply)

Thanks for this.

Please. For what? Thanks for what?

I mean, I made a Facebook event.

It wasn't super hard.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Don't tag me.

Why not?

No, just don't.

I'm skipping this bowling thing.

(Chuckles) Really?

Excuse me. Are you Dom?

Is this your birthday party?

Yeah.

Here you go. Happy Birthday.

Oh! Thank you. (Clears throat)

Thanks.

Okay, they're from Lynn.

Shut up. (Chuckles)

Oh my God. Oh m*therf*cker.

What is hap... Wow.

(Laughing) Oh my God.

Shut up.

(Laughing) Oh my God.

(Laughs)

Hey, have you tried this redneck punch that Doris brought?

It's like a "Honey Boo Boo" vodka kool-aid.

It's actually pretty good.

I'll pass.

Are you sure? All right.

Yeah yeah, please.

You're missing out.

I don't know what else she put in there.

(Laughs) True.

So, um, what do you think?

(Laughs) What do I think about what?

What do you think about Richie?

He's pretty f*cking cute, right?

Yeah. (Both chuckle)

What are you doing, Patrick?

What do you mean?

What are you doing letting this guy walk around thinking he's your boyfriend?

So?

I mean, isn't it like a little cruel?

I'm sorry, how is that cruel?

I mean, leading him on?

Wearing those... (Laughs)

Hideous matching charm necklaces.

They're not... It's not a charm necklace.

It's called a...

I... it's not a necklace.

Okay, and...

You brought a f*cking hooker to meet your boyfriend at the birthday party.

I'm the cruel one?

Okay, that's different.

Frank knew C.J. was coming.

Okay, but does Frank know you're still paying him?

Wow. I mean, what does C.J. charge for birthdays?

Jesus, man.

Still $220 an hour?

What are you doing right now?

I'm sorry, I just feel like you talk sh1t about anyone I'm ever interested in.

Listen, all I'm saying is that it would be really shitty if you were using this poor guy to prove something to us.

Or to yourself, man.

I'm sorry, what the f*ck am I trying to prove?

You know exactly what you're doing.

You're slumming, and it ain't cute.

Yo, man.

Slumming?

What's your f*cking problem with me, dude?

Why don't you just say it to my face?

Dude... no, I'm sorry.

Come on.

I didn't mean any disrespect. (Scoffs)

(Speaks Spanish)

Oh, "hermano." Now I'm your f*cking hermano.

Man, f*ck you.

Okay, come on, Richie.

Just... don't. Let's go.

Let's go, yeah?

Come on, come on.

That's what I was telling you about. He's a f*cking crazy...

The guy's a f*cking dick.

No no, we're gonna go.

Why do you f*cking hang out with that guy?

You could teach me? (Chuckles)

That's who I am. I'm a teacher.

Aww. What's the matter, baby?

I'm a f*cking asshole.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Poor Auggie.

Auggie.

Okay, don't ever call me that ever again.

Well, is there anything that we can do?

Auggie?

♪ ♪

Get a room, seriously.

Hey.

This is you, right?

Huh.

I'm not invisible.

You should text me later.

My roommates are gonna be gone.

(Laughs) What?

Just saying.

I kinda feel like fro-yo. Do you want some fro-yo?

I know we just ate all day, but...

I think I'm gonna go home.

What?

Yeah...

No.

I think I'm gonna go.

Why?

Patrick, I don't wanna start sh1t. I really don't.

Okay.

Are you embarrassed of me?

What are you talking about?

I noticed you messing with your scapular all day.

Yeah, no, I'm getting used to it. It's kinda itchy.

And then there was that thing with your boss about me opening up my own place.

I mean, when have I ever said I was gonna open up my own salon?

Yeah, no, I don't know why I said that.

I just assumed that you would.

And you didn't even say anything when your friend said that thing about you slumming it.

Not one word.

(Sighs)

Are you slumming it?

No. Are you kidding me?

Is that what this is?

No.

Agustín was just being an asshole.

I would never let one of my people disrespect you like that.

(Exhales)

I know, yeah.

No, you're right. I'm sorry.

I should have just told him to f*ck off.

Pato, I take this boyfriend thing very...

Very seriously.

So do I.

(Sighs)

What are you doing two weeks from now?

What?

Two weeks from today, what are you doing?

sh1t, I don't know.

Will you come with me to my sister's wedding?

What, you don't wanna be my date?

(Snorts)

(Chuckles)

After how today went?

Af... look, especially after how today went.

Now you wanna throw me at your family?

I don't think so.

Why?

It's just too fast, Pato.

No. No, it's not too fast. I'm just too slow, okay?

Look. Look at me.

I've been slow all my life, and that's over. Okay?

Come on.

Hey.

Say you'll go with me.

I don't know.

♪ ♪

(Sighs) Hey.

What's wrong?

You still okay with this?

I'm okay.

Smile, baby.

Yeah. Do that little dance.

♪ ♪

(Breathing deeply)

(Knocking)

(Cellphone chimes)

(Lock clicks)

Well, hi.

Well, hi.

You didn't respond to my texts.

Well, not all of us keep our phones on 24/7.

Come on in.

Thanks for the flowers.

They found you.

♪ ♪

(Cat meowing)

(Squeaks, screams)

(Laughs) What?

That's so stupid.

(Laughs)

Hey, did you hear from Jack and Randy?

Yeah, Randy called.

And?

(Quietly) Yeah, um...

Look, I...

I wanted to wait until tomorrow.

(Sighs) I didn't wanna ruin your birthday.

It's okay. (Chuckles slightly)

But listen...

How would you feel about just us?

What do you mean?

Well...

We find a place, we do a pop-up.

We take it over for a night. Right?

We invite Jack and Randy and every other queen with a checkbook that we know, and we show them.

We simplify. Just like you said, right?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah, but it would still cost money.

(Exhales)

Well, that kind of money I can do.

(Laughs)

Lynn, you...

Yeah.

Dom.

Look... look...

I know.

If we're gonna be in business together...

Yeah, sure.

I just think it... That's hard enough.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

We're friends, okay?

Okay.

Birthday beer?

(Laughs)

All right?

Sure.

(Brushing teeth)

(Sighs deeply)

(Exhales slowly)

♪ ♪