02x01 - Looking for the Promised Land

Look at the sun coming through the trees.

I know. It's so beautiful.

There's actually a tree around here that's over 1,400 years old.

We have to go see that one.

Go see a tree?

I don't think so, Paddy.

Don't be such a grouch.

It'll be fun, I promise. And educational.

You know what else would be fun and educational?

Going to the clothing-optional pool at the highlands.

Ah. There are not enough antibiotics in the world to get me in that water.

You're not scared of a little gonorrhea, are you, Dom?

I'm doing whatever he tells me.

And if that's seeing some old tree, I'm in, Paddy.

Well, thank you, Dom. I really think that this weekend should be about the three of us hanging out together, not us and 200 naked homos crammed in a pool.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Get me out of this f*cking car.

Look at this.

Oh my God, Dom!

This place is f*cking amazing!

All right. Honestly, it's better than I thought it was.

I mean, wow. That's cool. Wow.

Who knew Lynn was so rich?

It's also Lynn's pride and joy, so no breaking stuff.

Okay.

I gotta get myself a sugar daddy.

For that, you get the bunk-bed room.

I guess I'm unpacking the car?

Of course I won't forget.

Yeah.

No, no, I totally get it.

Yeah, windows locked.

Is that completely amazing or totally hideous?

I think it's both, actually.

Why is the hair so curly?

Well, what's up with the owl flying in the back?

I know. Maybe just don't bring it up.

And no more sugar-daddy stuff either, okay?

Here we go.

Oh my goodness.

What is this?

Oh yes.

Is it a sprig of mint I see?

Wow.

It is. I found a bush in the back.

Oh my God, you're incredible.

See, this is it. This is exactly what we need...

Fresh mint, peace, tranquility, nature's majesty just all around us.

Right? Cheers.

Yeah, cheers.

How about a little vodka, huh?

Shouldn't we raid the liquor cabinet?

Don't even think about it.

Yeah, I think maybe...

You know, I think maybe we should not get completely wasted this weekend.

I think maybe we should make a pact, right here and now, that we should just all not drink or...

What?

Please, God, don't tell me this is some kind of inter-fucking-vention.

No, it's not an intervention.

Right, Dom?

Dom, right?

You know, I actually prefer you f*cked up, because it makes you way less narcissistic.

But Patrick insisted that we bring you out into nature.

I did not insist on anything.

The two of you have been plotting and planning like a couple of old witches.

No, we have not. That's not... That's not what it is. Yeah.

It's not what you think. I just feel like...

That's not what it is.

It really isn't.

Maybe just, like, let...

Maybe just not be drinking.

Well, I... I want you to know that I'm completely fine.

Okay?

Okay.

Just 'cause I choose not to wallow in the misery of my own making...

Oh. Are... I don't wallow.

"Oh my God, what should I do with Richie? Should I call Richie? Should I text Richie? Should I instagram Richie? Oh my God, he's just so cute."

That sounds nothing like me.

Dom, does that sound anything like me?

Your voice is a little higher, but it's pretty good.

You do know that getting drunk and slapping some cock around your face isn't actually the worst thing in the world.

Okay, I'm sorry I'm not you and I don't find it attractive to get completely f*cked up and drag some random person home, and then f*ck him so loudly that I have to wear earplugs.

It was just one time, okay?

I can't even sleep.

I can hear you through the walls...

Ladies, ladies, please.

If we can't play nice, we're going home.

No, you're right, Dom. Let's just relax, breathe.

I genuinely brought us here, 'cause I thought it would be good for the three of us to get away.

This is not an intervention.

Mm-hmm. Honestly, I need this weekend, even if you don't.

Why do you need it?

I just do.

Gee, I didn't see that there was cherries.

Do you want a cherry?

Sure.

Cherry? Let's just enjoy the cherries and minty tea that Dom has so kindly made for us...

And, you know, take in this beautiful view.

So, actually, when the native Americans came through this area of the woods, they didn't spend any time here, and they left because they were afraid that the trees were so tall that there was ghosts in them.

Over 1,000 years and it's just stood there, knowing exactly what its purpose was...

To stand and grow and look good while doing it.

This would be a great tree to get f*cked against.

God, why do you always do that?

There's more to life than s*x, you know.

Sorry.

Now what?

Hike back again?

Hey. What are you up to?

Well, I was trying to be respectful of Lynn's privacy, but then I found a photo album, so f*ck it.

Oh sh1t.

I think I only agreed to this so I could snoop around this place without him here.

What are you looking for?

I don't know. Something that helps me get to know him a bit better. Lynn's not big on sharing.

That sounds like someone I know.

The thing is, I really do want to get to know him better, which is pretty f*cking unusual for me.

And I get that he might not want to talk about back then, and about Brian, but... oh my God, they look so handsome and happy. Sorry.

No, it's fine. They do.

f*ck.

It's so... sad.

Yeah, but at the same time, it has to be important that he talks to me about this stuff.

Doesn't it?

Well, "happiness..."

"Not in another place but this place,"

"not for another hour by this hour."

Really?

That's Walt Whitman.

That's a great quote.

I don't care who it is. Oh God.

God! Maybe I've jut forgotten what it's like to have a boyfriend.

But doesn't that feel good, to have a boyfriend?

To be able to call him your boyfriend?

Can you even call a 59-year-old man your boyfriend?

You can call him whatever you want.

Yeah, you're right. God, I need to calm the f*ck down.

You okay?

Yeah.

You're... good about Richie now, right?

Yeah, I guess. I mean... I regret the way that I dealt with everything, and I miss him, but...

Do you ever do things that surprise you?

What do you mean?

You know, are you ever... Shocked by your own behavior?

Are we still talking about Richie?

Forget it. It's not important.

I actually think that I might go for a walk right now before we hit the monopoly board, because I heard a woodpecker outside. I wanna go check it out.

A woodpecker?

You know, they actually have them here.

So will you keep an ear out for Agustín?

Well, what should I be listening for?

Well, if he's m*st*rb*t*ng, you can just leave him.

Ugh! But if he's crying, come get me.

If it's both at the same time...

You're on your own. And that's been known to happen on occasion.

Yikes.

Don't tell him I told you that.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Oh! Oriental Avenue. Pay up, m*therf*cker.

No, that's racist. I'm not paying your rent.

No, it's the street that's racist, not me.

Not that you're even going to pay rent, anyway.

I'm gonna give you another chance. Go again.

All right, here we go, Paddy.

What? Are we turning?

Paddle on the other side now.

But don't we wanna go that way?

We are! I'm just...

We do want to go that way. I'm turning the boat around.

So why are we going backwards?

Oh my God. Gayest beach ever.

I had no idea this beach was here.

I had no idea there was so much nakedness on this beach.

We have arrived.

I really think we should just stop.

Paddy, even you could get laid if we stopped.

No, no, let's just keep going.

We're honestly not going to make it to the end of the river.

No, come on. We're going to pull into this beach.

Onward ho. We're just going to go forward.

Paddy, just relax.

Eyes on the prize.

God, this is beautiful.

Dom, I think we found our flow here.

Right?

Oh my God.

There are some men up here.

Smell that testosterone.

We're hitting bear beach, baby.

That's a lot of man.

Hey!

Hey there!

Do you know him?

No, not at all.

Come party with the big boys.

Sorry, I'm on orders to be good.

With fur like that, there's no way you play good.

Come to the woods tonight.

Bring the clone and the seal pup.

Everyone's welcome.

"Seal pup"?

Where in the woods?

Faeries will guide you.

What is a seal pup?

I think a seal pup is someone hairless and a little chunky.

Wait, he's calling me chunky?

All we need now is a shower, some bug spray, a cold drink, and then we'll be ready for board games.

Again? Board games?

Yeah.

Hello, bitches.

What the f*ck?

Yeah, exactly.

What the f*ck?

So you guys thought you were gonna have your little sausage party without me?

Well, you were working.

I was working, I was, then everybody died, and now I get to get f*cked up.

Oh my God, Lynn's... It's not true.

Lynn's liquor cabinet...

Fantastic. Fantastic.

Jesus, Doris.

Oh no. Oh, come on.

Here, I'll hold it for you. I think that dame Gladioli of the Castro can afford to buy more booze, all right?

How did you even get in?

Agustín left his door open.

I kind of... I flew in like Peter Pan. Mmm!

Okay, how do you even know it was my door?

'Cause it smelled like misery, and I also found this on your bunk bed.

Agustín.

Busted.

Agustín!

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

What's happening?

Either clue or parcheesi. Yes.

That's a f*cking joke.

No.

Okay? There is no way that Dom just paid $200 for a taxi...

Thank you... To get me here for that.

No. Clue's a really fun game.

Miss Scarlet, Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

The wrench.

Oh, stop talking, stop talking.

We're not... oh, the wrench! I forgot about that.

We are not doing that, okay?

We're not doing that. We're going out.

Yes! We're going out. All right.


I'm sorry. That painting...

Of Lynn?

Dom...

Oof.

What the... that's... How do you...

No words, really.

You know what I mean? Just kinda...

Let's... no, let's just be quiet and think about it.

This music is so disorienting.

Is it coming from behind us or in front of us?

I can't tell. Maybe we need to retrace our steps.

There better be dykes here. I'm like catnip for dykes.

Beautiful faggots!

Oh my God. Tell us, tell us, are we heading in the right direction?

Only you can truly answer that question.

Oh my God. Is this happening?

Look deep inside your soul and tell me what you see.

Don't answer it. Don't answer it.

You know I have no soul.

I think tonight we just need directions to the party.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you're gonna go straight.

You're going to see some trash cans, take a left, and there is the promised land where all your dreams will come true.

Oh my God.

Thank you. Wow.

Thank you, kind and beautiful faerie.

I have to touch your nipple for one moment.

Touch it, touch it.

This is for you.

Oh.

Let it light up your life.

Thank you.

You're faerie welcome.

It's a flashlight and a glow stick.

Listen, don't be pissed.

Agustín, you said no...

I said no drugs. What are you doing?

What is that?

Thank you.

You don't know what it is.

I trust Agustín.

What is it?

Oh, that's so sweet. It's just Molly.

Okay, that's what we used to call x, right? T hat's x?

Yup. I'm in! I'm in.

Oh God, it's like 1994.

Here we go again.

Everyone's got one?

I don't think I've had s*x since 1994.

Hanging out with your guys, not so good for my v*g1n*.

Okay, promise you'll take care of me if I have a heart attack or get gang-raped or something.

Of course. I'm a nurse. I'll take care of you, and I'll be gang-raping you. I'll be the one doing it.

Okay.

You're in a safe place.

As long as we're doing something together, right?

Yes. Cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers.

Cheers, cheers, cheers. Oh my God.

I just did Molly. I can't believe it.

You didn't actually swallow it, did you?

I did.

You're not supposed to swallow it?

Of course!

You swallowed it, right?

Of course!

For real? Yes, yes, yes.

You're not f*cking with me?

Oh my God, isn't it fun?

Buddy, you're having fun?

Looks pretty cool.

Yeah. This is incredible.

I'm so glad we came. That faerie wasn't lying.

Dom, are you feeling it yet?

A little but not really.

I think it's just like... This is surreal, anyway.

The promised land, for one night only.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm looking at.

What am I seeing?

You'll be fine, Paddy.

Okay.

Just stick close.

Okay.

I'm not gonna leave you.

Hi, sweetie.

These are my friends.

When will I know if it's working?

I'm kinda feeling something, but I can't tell.

Trust me. You'll know, buddy. You'll know.

Listen, I want you to know that I do appreciate everything...

Letting me move in, the rent...

This weekend.

Come on. Believe it or not, we are just trying to help.

I know you are. I'll tell you what, if or when I need it, I promise I'll come to you.

I don't care who you go to, as long as you go to somebody.

What I need you to understand is that you and I, we do things differently.

What does that mean?

Well, I deal with...

With feeling like a shitty person by being bad. You do it by being good.

What makes you think I've been good?

Haven't you been?

I don't feel like I've been good, certainly not recently.

Why not recently?

No.

Oh? Oh?

I've been wanting to confess something to you for a while now, and I'm not quite sure why I haven't told you.

Uh-huh.

f*ck.

Whoa. Oh f*ck.

You okay?

Okay, okay. Breathe. Yeah, yeah, breathe.

Okay. All right, all right.

Oh sh1t.

Gimme those eyes, baby. Yeah, let it in.

Whoa. How you feel?

Yes. All right, you know what we're gonna do right now?

What? We're gonna f*cking dance.

Okay. Let's go dancing.

Yeah?

Dom!

Dom!

Look who's here.

Hey.

Okay.

Oh sh1t.

Hey!

Can you hear me?

What are you doing?

Right now.

Yes, right now!

Come on. It's gonna be so cold.

You said you were hot.

f*ck it. All right.

I'm gonna beat you into the stream.

Whoo!

Is that your dad?

What? This guy.

Is that your dad?

No, that's not my dad.

This is my boyfriend.

Is he still that hot?

Yeah. Hotter. Why? Do you want me to leave it open?

Yeah. Open that back up.

f*ck you.

Does he mind you f*cking around?

No.

He really doesn't.

Lucky you.

Lucky for both of us.

Are you... So, are you single?

Yeah, but only recently.

Oh, so you're f*cked up.

Pretty f*cking much.

Yeah, it turns out I...

Loved him more than I thought.

Don't worry about it, honey. Happens to us all.

So what do you do with your life now to make it at least bearable?

Ooh. Well, I was a mediocre artist.

I gave that up...

Which is a good thing for the world, I think.

Yeah.

So I suppose now I guess I do... nothing.

Nothing at all.

How does that make you feel?

No.

No, no, no, don't do it.

I promise, no more questions. I swear.

What do you do?

I work for a homeless shelter that supports gay and transgender teens.

What? Get the f*ck out of here.

Really?

It's me.

Call me Saint Eddie, the hairy-ass mother of the mission.

You can drown me now, Saint Eddie.

No. I wanna hang out with you a little bit more first, and then maybe I'll drown you.

Deal.

Okay.

Drown time.

No, no!

Oh sh1t.

Let me see.

Oh, cool tattoo.

Thanks.

Hey, handsome.

Hello.

Good of you to drop by.

This had better be worth it.

Oh, it's gonna be worth it.

Come here.

I want you to f*ck me.

I'm not kidding.

What? What, here in the woods?

Patrick, you're so f*cking hot.

You are making my head explode.

Do you have a condom?

Uh-huh.

Of course. Against this tree.

Oh f*ck.

Hmm?

Oh f*ck.

Okay.

So we've done it on the floor at work.

Yup. We did it in the storeroom.

Yeah. I tossed you off in the conference room.

You gave me a blowjob in the breakroom.

I did.

Yeah.

You think we're ever actually gonna get to do it in a real bed sometime?

I hope so.

Do that again.

Maybe it's the Molly, but I can feel it in my toes.

Oh...

Hey, Paddy.

Yes!

All right.

Morning, boys.

We were worried.

Thank you.

You so f*cked that hot guy in the cap, didn't you?

Well, I finally did it in the woods.

Yes!

Agustín made a new friend, too.

Yeah, I did. He's cute.

A big bear who cares about trans people and has a house in Virginia.

Oh, I've always wanted to visit the South.

A "house in Virginia"...

HIV positive.

Oh.

And Dom popped the cherry of his open relationship, too.

Well!

Yes, I did, and it was fun.

No blood or tears.

Good.

What about Doris?

Last I saw, Doris was on the back of a jet ski, topless.

I think we may have lost her to the lesbians.

So, um...

Okay, I did have s*x last night, but I did not have s*x with the cute guy in the hat.

I had s*x with Kevin.

Kevin, Kevin?

I called him and he came up, and he f*cked me in the butt against a tree.

What the f*ck?

Yeah, and it's happened a few times now.

The first time was the night of the pop-up when Richie and I broke up.

Certainly not my proudest moment.

Why didn't you tell us, Paddy?

He's still got the boyfriend, right?

Yeah.

And I thought this weekend, I'd...

You know, be able to put a stop to it, but...

I can't.

f*ck.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I don't know. Can we just not talk about it now?

Tomorrow you can tell me everything I probably already know, but...

Now can we just all watch the sunrise and...

Pretend that everything's gonna turn out fine?

That is okay with me. Okay.

Me too.