02x02 - Looking for Results

And then when I heard his car come in the driveway, I would immediately bust into my favorite "solid gold" dance moves.

What's that?

You don't know what... It's like the best dance show on television. You don't know that?

No.

Oh, I'm so bummed.

I'm learning so much about you today, Patrick.

[Laughs] Oh, God.

Well, I would bust those moves, I would run around the room, my dad was so annoyed, he would be like, "Patrick, calm down."

"Shut the f*ck up!"

Exactly.

Or just, like, stop dancing at least.

I couldn't help it, and then I'd dance over to the door, and there he was.

Your knight in shining armor.

[Sighs] My dad's best friend, Tony.

He was so hot. He was so '90s.

He even drove a bright red motorcycle.

Of course he did.

Right?

And when you're little, you just are really happy, but you don't fully know exactly why.

You just need to dance.

Yes! Thank you!

I had a huge crush on my dad's best friend, Tony, and I just needed to dance.

Yeah, me too.

You too?

When I was little, I was obsessed with a boy band called "Take That".

Do you know them?

No.

They made it here? No?

Anyway, they were like a British version of the backstreet boys.

Oh.

And I remember the first time I saw their pop video,

"do what u like," and looking back, I mean it's literally the gayest thing ever.

They're wearing fringe leather jackets, all prancing around rubbing food into each other.

[Laughs] And I remember the first time I watched it, I sat in front of the TV, getting ready for school, eating my corn flakes, and it pops up, and I thought, "what the f*ck is this?" You know?

Wow. I loved it.

Amazing.

I even... I made up a whole dance routine to it.

You did not make up a dance.

Do you wanna see it?

Uh, I need to see your dance, yes, please.

Okay. Well, don't judge me, I'm a little bit rusty.

Okay, no. I wanna see it.

Oh, I'm already impressed.

[Sighs] Okay, well, just give me a second.

No, I'm not gonna do it.

Oh!

No, I'm too embarrassed.

Come on.

No, not gonna do it, but I'm gonna show you something else.

I wanted to see the dance.

Oh, okay, Booty dance, that's fine, thank you.

Ba-bum!

Oh!

That's the, uh...

The game I told you about.

Yeah, yeah.

Top trumps.

Top trumps! Yeah, I got them on eBay.

Oh, my God.

Even holding these cards again makes me feel like a kid.

Well, you gotta teach me how to play.

What... the "circus of death"?

Yeah.

That's a very dark game.

Mm-hmm.

The "maggot."

Hot.

The fit... oh, my God. These...

Oh, Jesus, Patrick, look, it's nearly 2:30.

[Laughs] Oh, my God. Godzilla in a pink bow tie?

I am obsessed with this art.

Yeah, get ready for the gayest Dracula you've ever seen.

Uh-oh. Oooh!

Girl.

Patrick, there's literally hundreds of these you can get, anything you can think of.

"Star wars," "Star trek," The Royal Family, Miley Cyrus.

Wow.

Cats.

Amazing. Mmm, I'm surprised there isn't a gay one.

Well, why don't we make a gay game like this?

For, I don't know, for iPhones?

Probably a bit busy making first-person shooters for straight men.

No, no, it could be like a cage match for gay archetypes: You'd have the "hot jock" versus the "drag mother."

And then you could have, uh, "lusty lads of London" against "gay for pay."

"Farm boy with big ideas."

Oh, come on, don't we need something else in our lives?

Is this really why we got into this industry?

[Laughs] I don't think gay novelty games is the reason either.

Oh, the "ashamed gay." Another card. [Laughs]

This game is practically writing itself.

Patrick, it's f*cking ridiculous...

Which, of course, means it would probably work. Right?

So? What do you say?

Yeah, let's do it.

Yes!

But listen, the company will own every idea we come up with.

So we'll need to keep it on the sly.

But I know you can keep a secret, so...

Sorry, Patrick, that was bad taste.

No, I, uh...

I've been meaning to tell you something.

What?

I told my friends.

You... you told your friends about us?

Really? But just Dom and Agustín. Nobody else.

What did they say? Out of interest.

Actually, you know what? I don't want to know.

But they obviously think I'm a prick, do they?

No, no, they don't think you're a prick.

They don't even know you.

Yeah. Okay, come on.

Uh, you... you go on ahead, I've got to, uh...

I gotta make that phone call.

Go...

Okay.

Where the f*ck have you been?

I was... I went to a movie.

In the middle of a workday?

Yeah.

I had to, uh, refill the well of my creative unconscious.

[Laughs] You read that on some self-help blog?

No.

Well, what movie did you pour in there?

They're, uh... "Showgirls."

It's a revival thing with drag queens.

At lunchtime?

Yeah, uh, Agustín's friend organizes it.

It's, um, it's at the McClintock.

Oh, no, no, no. Not the McClintock.

What? Why? You haven't heard?

[Whispers] Bed bugs.

What?

You can't let them hear you. It's bed bugs.

Shut up. Yeah, it's worse than ever.

Movie theaters, hotels, you know, I have a plastic suit I wear if I'm going to either one.

You do not.

I do. I can get you one if you want.

You have a plastic...

[Phone rings]

Hey. Uh, yeah.

I gotta go.

I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about you!

You don't have a plastic suit.

Movie theaters, hotels.

So what do you think about the "fag stag" card?

A straight guy that only hangs out with gay men.

Did you say something to him?

Say something to who? To Owen?

You two were just whispering to each other.

Oh, yes, that.

No, I'm sorry, I just... I was just telling him about that nice, big, juicy foreskin of yours.

[Laughs]

Oh, Patrick, please don't joke about this.

Of course I would never say anything to Owen.

It's such a small city.

You tell someone and they happen to mention it to their f*cking dog Walker and let it slip to some Castro queen, and suddenly it's all over San Francisco.

I really don't want that to happen. Okay?

Because... I don't want this to end.

Okay, yeah. I won't let anyone know.

I'm sorry. Just Dom and Agustín know.

Okay? It stops there.

Cool. Sorry, I know it's your friends, and...

No, it's okay.

I'm...

Okay, cool. Thanks.

You don't think that hotel has bed bugs, do you?

Huh?

Hm? No. Nothing.

Okay, uh, have a good meeting.

Thanks.

Okay.

But we went to this, uh, this hotel, it's called the Morwood Hotel.

Oof! Shady lady.

Oh, my God. That place is so gross.

Even I wouldn't go there for a hook-up.

Were there cum stains on the wall?

Come on, don't you guys find seedy motels kinda sexy?

Not that place. It's been a 24-hour meth party since '97.

So do you guys just f*ck or do you talk too?

We talk all the time. We spend most of every day together.

Well, what do you talk about? Work doesn't count.

I don't know, whatever, normal things. What do people talk about?

All kinds of things. We talk about boy bands, our childhood.

What about Jon? Where is he in this?

Yeah. I don't know.

But what I do know is that he and Jon are having major problems.

And I know how that sounds, like the worst TV show you've ever seen, but it's true.

And it's none of my business, anyway.

So all we can do is just live in the moment and stay open with each other.

Wide open.

Gross.

Who paid for the room?

He did.

Mm-hmm.

You're like Julia Roberts in pretty woman.

Yep, shine up those fierce thigh highs, Paddy.

You're his dirty little secret.

Well, secrets are freaking sexy. And, look, I know it's because you guys love me and you don't want to see me get hurt, but this is happening.

So just try and see it from my perspective, okay?

Don't speculate, don't judge, just be supportive.

I'm gonna be fine. Really.

You know what, Paddy? I'm happy for you that you're getting nailed in your p-spot.

Well, thank you. Me too.

And now you finally have someone to bring home to mommie dearest.

[Squeals]

It's a good neighborhood.

It is, yeah.

Yeah. I feel like it's up-and-coming.

Totally.

It is, totally, and there's a lot of people who...

Confess your sins!

Wow!

f*cking Jesus. Okay.

Oh, my God. He's gonna work for me. Kidding.

[Sighs]

So... here it is.

It's this?

Yeah, this is it. It's cool, huh?

It's very cool.

Confess your sins!

So this is where the chicken comes out?

Yeah, we'll build a little counter here and then an awning, and, uh, there will be a couple benches here, and maybe a parklet when I get the permits.

Yeah. How much does it cost to start it up?

It's much less than a restaurant.

Like $10,000?

Well, the kitchen doesn't really exist yet.

So we'll have to build that out.

It's like $20k?

And the landlord wants six months up front, so I need...

80. Which is not that much.

$80,000!

Confess your sins!

He's f*cking the boss behind his boyfriend's back.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm confessing your sins.

You can't do that! Homeless people have Twitter accounts.

Guys, focus.

Sorry.

Do you love it?

It's great.

Right?

Yeah.

Why don't I get a picture of the two of you in front of it.

Great idea.

And, uh, then we can get out of here.

Think positive thoughts.

Okay, yes.

Okay. Flash that 80k smile.

Say chicken!

Chicken!

Money!

Margaritzis.

Yay.

Here's to you, Patrick.

Thank you.

So, Patrick, how's the affair?

Really? I didn't know it was a secret until just now.

It's an affair!

I don't know if you know this, I had an affair once.

Uh, it was with a vet, okay? Not a, uh, veteran, a veterinarian.

It was fantastic. Okay, sorry. Whatever.

Okay, zip it, Doris.

As long as you're having fun, good for you.

Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, someone's checking us out.

Yeah, he's checking us out.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, yeah, big time.

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

We're not even at a gay bar!

That's a lot of man.

It might need to be a group effort.

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom. Dom, will you join me?

Oh, fun.

All right.

All right. Have fun.

Yeah.

Bye.

I'm glad I bothered to brush my teeth.

It's... I think it's... I don't think it's anything, Paddy.

No, look, it's those little red bumps right there.

No, it's...

I hope it's not bed bugs.

I see it, but it's not bed bugs, I think it's just from scratching.

Leave it alone. Stop touching it.

It wasn't there this morning, you know?

We went to that hotel and then did whatever, and then we played Top Trumps on the F line and then...

Top trumps? Is that like bumping donuts for tops?

No, it's a British card game he wanted me to play.

It was actually really sweet.

Aww.

It's definitely not AIDS, right?

Oh, come on, you make everything about AIDS.

I do not make everything about AIDS.

Oh, remember gay Channing Tatum?

Well, that was different. That was a legitimate AIDS situation.

I had just had my wisdom teeth pulled out and it was totally possible that my gums hadn't healed before I blew him.

Was that before or after the time your asshole was so tight it sucked the condom off that guy's dick?

That really happened!

Really?

Yes.

Listen, have another Margarita and enjoy the evening.

Your AIDS crisis is over.

You're probably right. I'm crazy.

Maybe it's just a spider bite?

Maybe.

[Sighs]

Here we go.

Ah! Another round!

Oh, God!

No, I can't do another. I'm not paying for this one.

Why don't you get it?

Okay. As soon as I get a job, I'll get another round, and I'll get you a new haircut. Huh? How does that sound?

You know, why don't I get you a job at the hospital.

But you'd have to change some catheters, which actually I think would be perfect for you, it would be so real and gritty and help inspire your next new body of work. How about that?

My art practice is over, so...

No! Oh, no!

Don't do that to the world! How cruel!

f*ck you, hagsville.

You did not just call me a hag, fag!

I actually did.

Did you really?

Hey, hey! Enough with the hags and fags.

Unbelievable!

Is everything okay over here?

Oh, yes. Oh, no, we're good, thank you for checking.

We're having a heart circle.

We're just, you know, we're sharing and being honest with each other.

Oh, it's very healing.

You guys are using shots of Tequila?

Yeah.

How'd that work out?

I've been unburdened. I feel fantastic.

Have we met before?

Um, at the symphony gala maybe?

Um, um...

Uh, yeah, maybe.

Oh, that's totally possible.

How funny, you know, I actually do, yes.

Yeah.


Hi.

Hi. Malik.

Hi, I'm Doris.

She's just so rude sometimes.

I know, she always just says the first unfiltered thing that pops into her head, which, by the way, is usually wrong.

Oh, I know!

Like the thing she said about me and Kevin, right?

Technically, we are not actually having an affair.

Yeah, but you are. Technically it is an affair...

No, technically he is having an affair. Not me.

I don't think that's exactly true, Paddy.

No, that's completely true. And also, by the way, this has nothing to do with my mom.

What?

What you said before about Kevin and my mom.

Oh, that. I mean, maybe just a little bit.

No, no, no, no, no, it's not like that anymore.

I genuinely, really, actually like him.

Which, honestly, it seems like it's making everything even worse.

And, truly, I also think that that is why the word affair is starting to feel kind of shitty to me.

f*ck, maybe Doris is right.

I don't know what I'm doing right now.

Can you please tell me what to do?

I'm sorry, Paddy. I love you, I adore you, but I can't go on one of your spirals right now.

Oh, no, come on. I just need to talk it out.

No, not tonight.

No, I wanna find Eddie and dance with some bears.

Find who?

From the Russian River.

Love you long time.

Are you sure you should be going out tonight?

Yes.

[Sighs]

Hello. Would you like to get tested?

Hmm?

Would you like to get tested?

Me?

Yeah.

Uh...

I'm good. Yeah. Thank you.

Sure.

I love your shirt.

Thank you.

[House music plays]

Hey! Remember me? Have you seen Eddie?

[Typing]

Oh!

[Whispers] Oh, my God.

[Cell phone rings]

Oh, my God.

Nobody important?

No, Patrick's having a meltdown tonight.

[Laughs] You just gotta let him cycle out.

The more he... You tell him he's okay, the more he finds reasons that you're wrong.

That thing with his boss?

Yeah. No, I'm good.

Yeah, he has a little rash.

And he's convinced that he has AIDS.

I have a good dermatologist.

That doesn't offend you, irrational AIDS panic?

No, sir.

Jesus, Jack can talk. I'm exhausted.

Oh, and he wants to know everything about where you're at.

Your window. I said, "Jack, why don't you just ask him yourself?"

Do you miss him?

Who?

Brian. I saw your photo album at the house.

He was very handsome.

Of course I miss him.

You guys, um, you guys remember to turn off the hot water heater?

Uh, yeah.

Set the alarm?

Yes. We went through the entire checklist, twice.

f*ck anyone?

[Laughs]

Are we really talking about this?

Well, yeah, why not?

I mean, if we're going to be open, there's no space for jealousy. We... we talked about this.

I just, I didn't know we were going into specifics.

Oh, okay.

Did you f*ck anyone on the bedspread?

The one from Santa Fe, 'cause it's so hard to clean.

No, we didn't f*ck on the bedspread.

Oh.

Or on the rug from Turkey.

Or on the beautiful credenza from design within reach.

Relax. [Laughs]

Relax. I just wanna know if you had a good time.

Oh.

And exactly what kind of a good time you had.

Exactly.

Really?

And where. [Laughs]

[Techno music plays]

Um, uh... s...

Scotty.

Yeah.

Yeah. How you been, Agustín?

What's up, man?

Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm all right, I'm all right. How are you?

Uh... you look good, you look really... you look really good.

I heard you and Frank had a horrible breakup.

Yeah, yeah, it just turns out we wanted different things, so...

You, uh... Who told you about it?

Frank.

Oh.

You see him much?

All the time.

Oh. That's cool.

So what's up with you?

Uh, me and some buddies, we're working on this thing, uh, out in LA, actually.

I might head there soon.

Oh, nice, man.

Yeah.

Hi, can I have a water, please?

Here you go.

Not drinking tonight?

No, GHB doesn't really play well with others, so...

You mind sharing?

Have you been drinking tonight?

Stone cold.

Maybe a drop.

To Dolly. Cheers.

Whoo!

[Techno music plays]

I know this guy.

[Door chimes]

Yo, Agustín!

Yo, man, wake the f*ck up, dude.

Richie! What's up, man?

What's up, man?

You're a f*cking mess, dude, here.

Clean yourself up, dude.

[Speaks spanish] You know it.

[Speaking Spanish]

I think he's fine.

Ugh.

All right.

[Speaking Spanish]

Let's get out of here.

Okay.

[Speaking spanish]

Yo, I know that guy.

No, you don't, Kyah.

No, I f*ckin' know that guy.

He works at the Chipotle by the mall.

You think everyone works at that Chipotle.

No I think that guy works at the chipotle, Brady.

He screws up my burrito bowls.

[Woman on phone] There are some skin conditions associated with HIV.

But again, I must emphasize, I can't make any diagnosis of your condition over the phone.

No, I know you can't diagnose anything over the phone, but I was wondering if you had any scientific data of my, you know, chances?

Have you had unprotected a**l s*x?

No, no, that would be crazy to do that.

We strongly advise that anyone with concerns about exposure get tested.

Would you like me to look up testing sites in your area?

Oh, no, that's okay. I live in San Francisco, they give them out like coffee stirrers.

Great. Is there anything else I can help you with?

You have a very comforting voice, do people tell you that?

It's kind of like a young Angela Lansbury, which I don't know if that makes any sense, but we were a big "Murder, She Wrote" family.

Oh, honey, who wasn't.

[Door buzzing]

Uh, Noelle, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Hi.

Hey, Patrick.

What are you doing here?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Paddy.

Are you okay?

I'm good, brother, I'm good.

Where did you find him?

He was in soma passed out by a pupusa cart.

[Grunting]

All right, onto the bed.

[Speaking Spanish] Richie...

[Speaking Spanish]

[Speaking spanish] [Speaking Spanish]

What was that?

Nothing, just drunk talk.

So, how's the shop?

Good, busy.

How's work for you?

Complicated.

I'm sorry to hear.

But I really like the new desks they got us.

I can raise and lower them now, so I can work standing up if I want to, which is cool.

Now we both work standing up.

[Laughs] That's right, we do!

You know, they say you're more productive when you're standing up.

No sh1t.

That's what they say.

Are you seeing anyone?

No.

Mm. Delete, delete, delete.

[Laughs] Are you?

No. I'm...

Uh... I'm not really seeing anyone.

So, you're just barely seeing someone?

[Laughs] No. I mean I'm not seeing anyone at all, full stop.

Can we get lunch sometime?

Uh, no, but thanks for the offer.

I should go, my friends are waiting for me.

No, just lunch, just lunch.

No agenda, no expectation of anything, and it can be whenever you want.

It can be next week or next year, but hopefully before next year.

I'll think about it.

Okay. I'll walk you out.

No need.

Thanks for the tea.

Thanks again.

Good night!

[Trolley rattling]

[Music plays softly on radio]

[Beeping]

All right, a little prick.

Okay.

[Exhales]

Actually I have to... I have to confess something.

I lied on the form outside.

I have had unprotected s*x.

How long ago?

Uh, six weeks ago.

Just once?

Just one time.

And I'm pretty sure that he's negative.

And when he came... When he came, he came, like, on my... He came on my body.

He didn't cum in my... In myself.

So I think it should be fine, and I just, I'm really...

I'm sorry, I don't know why I did it.

People make mistakes.

[Exhales] So these tests, they find the virus pretty quickly now, right?

Oh, we don't actually test for the virus itself.

We test for your body's response to the virus.

The way that a pregnancy test measures your body's response to a baby.

[Laughs] "Hey, everyone I'm pregnant... with HIV!"

[Laughs]

Tell me what you see.

Hey.

Uh, you can't come in and tease me like this, Patrick.

Lunch is still hours away.

I'm not hungry.

Fantastic. Neither am I.

I lost my appetite when I was getting my HIV test.

Why were you getting an HIV test?

Because I freaked out.

Because this is clearly freaking me out.

What is?

This, us, sitting in this glass box pretending we're not f*cking.

Okay, hold on.

What is your status?

I'm negative.

What about you? I don't even know if you're positive or negative.

Jesus Christ. Um, I'm negative, Patrick, does that make you feel any better?

No, actually, it doesn't.

Kevin, what are we doing?

I don't know.

Well, I don't know either, but why do I feel so alone in this?

Well, you're not alone in this, Patrick, because I'm a f*cking mess.

Okay? I'm getting these migraines, which I've not had since I was a kid, which come to think about it was the last time I had to hide how I was feeling.

Well, I'm sorry that you're having migraines, but that does make me feel a little bit better.

[Laughs] Jesus.

You're not alone in this.

Next time you freak out, don't f*cking panic and have an AIDS test.

Just call me. Okay?

Okay.

I remembered the, um...

The dance moves to my routine.

Your routine?

Do you want to see it?

Now?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Really?

f*ck it. [Grunts]

All right, this is for you.

[Sighs]

[Laughs] [Sighs]

Okay, shh, I need to concentrate.

Okay.

♪ So you can do what you like ♪
♪ do what you like ♪
♪ don't have to tell me ♪
♪ do what you want ♪
♪ do what you like ♪ [Laughs]

♪ Do what you like ♪
♪ no need to ask me ♪
♪ do do do do do do ♪ [Laughs]

Wow.

Thank you. Thank you.

See?

That was worth the wait. [Laughs]

Yes, it was.

God, I feel like a total dick.

[Exhales] I'm sweating.

[Both laugh]

♪ where you're never gonna take the blame ♪
♪ change your name now you out the game ♪
♪ so you head outside feel the rain ♪
♪ something in your brain can't break the chain ♪
♪ same mistake again fake the pain again ♪
♪ day to day you prowl wakey-wakey now ♪
♪ holy cow you're in doubt ♪
♪ you left and now you feel down ♪
♪ your heart lies back in that town ♪
♪ so creep back in don't make a sound ♪
♪ or lose your crown again sleep around again ♪
♪ tell your friends that you're proud ♪
♪ or ask yourself what you really want from life ♪
♪ don't follow that crowd ♪
♪ I've never tried to make you walk into the deep end ♪
♪ and now I find myself awake from all the weekend ♪
♪ I never tried to cause that Sunday morning creep-in ♪
♪ I want to stay but I must row that boat home ♪
♪ it's Thursday night ♪
♪ let's get it right ♪
♪ I wanna know you're gonna stay for the weekend ♪
♪ starting tonight ♪
♪ let's do it right ♪
♪ I wanna know you're gonna stay for the weekend ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday Saturday, Sunday ♪
♪ I wanna know you're gonna stay for the weekend ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday Saturday, Sunday ♪