02x03 - Looking Top to Bottom

[All singing]
♪ for she's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ for she's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ for she's a jolly good fellow ♪

Aw! Fudgie the whale? Really?

♪ which nobody can deny ♪

You guys got a fudgie! I love fudgie. [Cheering]

What, did you guys ship this from Long Island? You guys, ridiculous!

Remind me, though, I do have to save a piece for my husband. He loves fudgie.

[Mouthing] [Cheering]

Yeah, guys!


[Both laughing]

She... she seriously wasn't joking!

I can't believe you didn't know she had a husband.

She talks about him all the time.

Meredith is more of a man than you and I combined, Patrick.

Her wallet has a chain on it.

[Laughs] It's hard for me to take you seriously in that sweater.

People are going crazy for this sweater.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Anyway, on to the real news.

After all the back and forth, me and you are back on for this weekend.

Oh my God!

Starting tomorrow, we have 28 solid hours.

No, no, no, you can't do that. I've already made plans.

Oh, come on.

Patrick, cancel them.


I can't just drop everything whenever you're free.

It's Dom's first gay rugby game.


And what if you change your plans at the last minute?

Like when I was sitting in the Castro watching "The Exorcist" all by myself?

I'm definitely all yours.

And you know how much I hate the devil children.

Fine, then don't cancel your plans, but take me with you.

[Laughs] Right.

Wait, really?


♪ ♪ [Bell dings]

Hey. Uh...

I come in peace...

And sober...

With Roosevelt's tamales and a little juicy fruit from the dispensary.

No pupusas?

You were passed out by a pupusa cart last time I saw you.



Yeah, that's one of the reasons why I'm here.

Uh, is this an okay time?

Flip the sign for me.

So the other night, um...

I'm pretty sure I didn't deserve anything from you but just walkin' on by.

And you didn't.

I'm... grateful, man.

What's the other reason?

Dude, when you and Paddy were together, the sh1t that I pulled...

[Richie laughs]

We're going back there, huh?

Look, I was going through my own sh1t at the time, and I let it infect the good thing that was happening between the two of you.

You don't know how close I was to punching your ass out that day.


Is it because you're in love with him or what? What is it?

Who? Patrick?

[Laughs] No, man. Ugh, gross. No offense.

So you were just being an asshole for no reason.

Awesome. That's great.

Patrick send you down here?

No. No, it was my idea.

My brilliant idea.

Uh, I'm just gonna go.

Know what? Why don't you grab a seat?

We're closed, but that, uh, bush on your face... Seriously?

[Agustín laughs]

[Door opens, closes]

Hey. Hey. We need to be cleaner.

There are disgusting things in corners and on edges all over this place.

Okay. Why are we being...

Kevin's staying over tomorrow.

Oh. Oh!

Are he and Jon not...

No, no, Jon's just out of town for the night.

Oh. All right. I'll guess I'll just stay somewhere else.

Let you two go crazy.

Oh God. Right.

It is crazy, isn't it?

I don't know. Is it crazy?

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to have s*x with him on a bed without bed bugs and cum stains.

Why are there no cum stains?

What are we going to do?

Are we gonna f*ck? Are we gonna cuddle, watch TV?

Do you think we should order in?

Okay, okay, hey, hey.

You two can do whatever you want, right?

Think of it like a test drive for the two of you.

[Sighs] Right.

Hey, um, what are you doing right now?

[Sighs]This is the most annoying part about being gay.

Straight people never have to think about shooting water up their asses before s*x.

Straight people are having butt loads of butt s*x, trust me.

Okay, let's just make this quick. What's the best one?

Are you serious right now?

I... haven't ever needed.

I have more of a "self-cleaning oven."

[Laughs] That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.

Haven't you and Kevin...

Yes, yes, we've been, but it's been more spur of the moment, never so, you know, premeditated.

It's not murder, Patrick.

Okay, I don't need one of your sex-positive talks right now.

Oh, put the douche down. You're not gonna need that.

Oh, come on, don't I wanna feel...

[Lisping] "As fresh as a Mountain stream after a rain"?

[Laughs] Is that what's going on?

You still think that getting f*cked makes you the girl in the relationship?

No, no. I am totally, officially versatile and loving it.

You kind of have to be with this one.


And I am not having a colonoscopy tomorrow.

See how sex-positive I can be?


Oh, honey, do you know where you live?

Your beard is half-gone.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's the new me. Huh?

I like it. Slowly returning to the world of the living.

Ever so slowly. Yeah.

You know, Richie did a good job.

I don't understand.

I'm trying to be a better person.

And he just accepted that and trimmed your beard?

Oh, hell no. He let me have it first.

But then, yeah.

Because he's the better person that you're trying to be.

Maybe. You should definitely call him, though.

Yeah? Did he say that, that I should call?

No, but I think you shouldn't throw away that connection that you two have. Right?

I don't know. I don't think Richie wants to be friends.

Oh, Jesus, look where we are.

You're all buddies with Richie and I'm cleaning out my ass for Kevin.

Oh, we should take a picture. For Dom, right?

Okay, with the enema?

Yeah, with the enema. f*ck, yeah.

[Laughs] Okay. Oh, and when you text him, tell him that I said I'm bringing Kevin to his game tomorrow, but just as a friend.

What? Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious. Take the picture.

This shirt is two sizes too small.


I can't foresee too many complaints about that.


Agustín is gonna make some bitchy comment, and Patrick's bringing Kevin as a friend.

Why did I invite anyone to this? I barely know how to play.

Just... [laughs] Will you just calm down?

I'm serious!

Calm down.

I'm serious... oh, oh!

Jesus! What the f*ck?!

Please tell me again why it was so important that we stay here?

Because we always stay at your place.

I know. Can't we just agree that my house is nicer and never come back here?

Oh, bitch. Well, your mattress is way nicer.


I'll give you that.


[Indistinct shouting]

No, I am not a morning person!

And it's not like college at all.


Baby, look, we got the Saturday morning special going right now.

Oh, okay. This is like the morning cartoons?


Yeah. 'Cause that's exactly what you're giving me.

What does that mean?

Scooby Doo.

No, no, baby. Scooby dong.

[Laughs] Scooby dong.

Look, look. Ready for action.

Oh my God! Oh my God!

I've not seen that in the daylight, man.

Did I do that?


Oh my God, I'm talented.


I'm worth something.

We should probably be quiet.

I think Dom's on the phone.

Okay, what is up with you two?

What do you mean?

I mean, I don't know.

Two grown-ass 40-year-olds still doing the roommate thing.

All right, first of all, ish. 40-ish.

Excuse me, two 40-ishes.

And you know what?

If it freaks you out so much, why don't you get your boss to do something about the freaking rents in this town.

Maybe I will. Maybe I'll do that one better if you ask nicely.

Um, feel free to do what you need to do.

Well, just come back quick, please. 'Cause I can't... I could rev it up, but I can't get it started without you.

Hey, I... oh my God!

Oh, sh1t! [Laughs] Oh, f*ck, I'm naked.

Okay, whatever, Lynn.


Scoot over.

I'm sorry.

Malik is here.

We heard. The third time? Third time lucky?

Yes, yes. Oh my God.

I don't want to oversell this guy, okay, but he's everything.

I feel like I'm... I'm completely turned inside out right now.

Is the back of my head caved in? [Laughs]

Oh, and also, by the way, it turns out rimming... not just for the gays anymore.


Don't be jealous, Lynn.

You rimmed him?

No! God, no! He rimmed me!

I think he rimmed me. Whatever! He was all up in there. He's very assy.

[Sighs] Let's discuss this over breakfast.


I worked with him for three years, and then once he got appointed mayor...

You segued into the administration.



All right, do you see why this is never gonna work? It's all politics all the time with this guy.

It's like dating Rachel Maddow.

You know, honestly, I get that a lot.

People stop me on the street, like,

"Ain't you that tall, white lesbian with the big glasses?"

Oh, yeah, all the time. All the time.

By the way, mostly black women. It's very weird.


Yeah. I spent a lot of time in the South.

Lynn, are you gonna come cheer on Dom today?

I'm gonna try, but we've got two weddings today, so...

I completely didn't even ask you.

You had your lunch yesterday with the investor guy, right?


Okay, what happened?

Wait, with Jack?


You didn't tell me that was yesterday.

There's nothing to tell. He didn't even bring up investing in my place. Not once.

He just kept talking about me managing his new restaurant.



All right, I hope you told him to f*ck off.

Wait, the new restaurant in Soma?


That's... That's a success.

He wants you to manage it?

Lynn, I'm practically a manager at Zuni.

Yeah, but you're not.

I mean, technically, you're still waiting.

And I know you want to just jump right into your own thing, but maybe Jack's thinking that this could be, like, a first step.

See how you do there, then start talking to you about, you know, your own place.


Or this idea sucks.

And, you know, do whatever you want, whatever you think.

So, so sexy.

You waited? Hm.



You all right?



You know, we, uh... we don't have to do this if you don't want to.

I mean, everybody's gonna be there. We could just, you know, rent some bikes, maybe grab some lunch in Sausalito.

Okay. Uh... no.

I say we just stick to the plan.

Okay. Is there a bar around here, somewhere?

Yeah. Just down there.

Good, good.

Because I think we both could use a little Dutch courage.

Absolutely, and I don't even know what that is.


So is this like a pub that you would go to normally in England?

Uh, no, it's not shitty enough to be a Romford Pub.

Romford? Okay.

I'm picturing, like, rolling hills and tennis courts.

Is it like wimbledon?

[Laughs] Uh, no.

It is not at all like Wimbledon. It's much more hideous.

So what would you... What would you, like, do for fun in Romford?

Mm... I don't know.

Just do what most kids do.

Actually, my friend Toby and I, we'd just spend all our spare time designing new board games.

No way! Me too!

Well, not all my spare time, but I actually made up this space game where you had to mine for uranium.

You would mine for uranium?

Yeah, right? Paging Dr. Freud.

One, two, three!

Roll, fog, roll!


Let's go! Let's go!

[Whistle blows] [Shouting]

Go, go, go!



[Whistle blows]

[Crowd cheering]

Dom, won't be too much longer. Danny's already lookin' beat-up.

Whoo! Go, Dom!

Dom's going in.


What, is he going in?

No, he's standing up.

Something's happening.

Does anyone know what they're actually doing, except for, like, being all porny and I want a naked calendar of them on my fridge right now?

What is your name again?


And Agustín promised me a hot shower orgy after the game, so I better get one.

Really? Yeah, I was. I was a horrible, little b*st*rd of a teenager.

Oh, I just...

I simply don't believe it, because you're so charming now.

Thank you. I know it's hard to believe...


But I was very different back then, and suppose I was the cliché of the angry young man whose mother had walked out.

Really? Your mom left?

What... what did she leave for?

To do her thing.

I don't blame her. You know?

My dad was my dad, and she'd met someone.

I didn't talk to her for... for ages, but, uh, it's cool, because we talk now.

That must have been really tough.


But it gave an excuse to get in all sorts of trouble.


I think in the end I just needed to the get the f*ck out of Romford.

And then you came to America like all the brave pilgrims before you.

I did. I'm an alien of extraordinary abilities, and they're all still stuck at home playing my video games.

Wait, you're an... what is an alien... an alien of what?

Buh-buh-uh! It's, uh...


That's my Visa.

Oh, yes, right. Oh, the Visa. Of course. Right.

Yep. I've only got two more years left on it.

So, uh, I'd better get married, or else...

Back to Romford.


Let's do it.

Do what?

Go to the match.

Oh, yeah. My Dutch courage has kicked in.

Oh, good, me too.

Drink up.

[Whistle blows]

[Crowd shouting] Go!

Dom's in!

Oh, shoot!

All right. Awesome.


Good timing.

We're here.

Eddie, you remember Patrick, right?

And this is Kevin, Patrick's boss, and bud.

Hey, man.

How are you?



[Players shouting]

Oh, here we go.

Come on, Dom!

Ball's out! Ball's out!

What are they saying?

Uh, they're shouting "ball's out."

Oh. Ooh. [Laughs]

Yeah, no, it's not some kind of testicle mishap, it just means that the ball is out of the scrum.

You say words real pretty like.

Did you grow up playing, Kevin?

No, too common, thank you.

I played footie... Soccer to you guys.

But I know rugby. Uh, for instance, that, um, that otter is the flanker, those two bears there are the props, and that little guy over there who you know gets f*cked by the entire scrum is the hooker.

I think I just jizzed my shorts.


You know so much about this.

So do you have a boyfriend, sexy?

Oh, uh, you know, let's get more juice boxes. Yeah?

Oh my God, cock block.

Actually, Eddie...

Yes, Eddie, I do have a boyfriend.

Oh, and where is this boyfriend today?

Jon is in San Diego for work.

Pics, please. Let's see this Jon.

Okay. I thought you had something going on with cutie Irish spring over here.

Us? No, no, no, we just game together.

Oh, ball's out! Ball's out!

All right! There we go, Dom!

[All shouting]


Oh my God!



Is he okay?


Okay. Is he faking it 'cause he has to look macho?

[Laughs] Too late.

Damn it.

So, uh, turns out Patrick is having a fuckfest with his boss, that brit, tonight.

I knew it!

I'm never wrong, you bastards.

[Laughs] So I need a place to stay the night.

I was thinking... hm?

Honey, I work at a shelter. I don't run one.

Come on, man. It'll be fun.

We can torrent "Romy and Michele."

We'll get some mochi ice cream.

[Sighs] Only if it's chocolate.


Guys, you wanna hear some football chants?


Uh, Dom!

Give us a wave. I said, Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave. I said, Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom! Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom, Dom!

Give us a wave! I say Dom, Dom! Give us a wave!

Everyone made out under the bleachers on a Friday night except me.

And now it's time to correct that?

Well, this isn't exactly under, but... it'll do fine.

[Crowd shouting, cheering]

[Whistle blowing]

[Air horn blowing]

I think something just happened.

Yeah, it certainly did, and we're now getting the f*ck out of here.

[Cheering] [Crowd shouting]

First-timer scores the winning try.

It's all downhill from here, Dommy.

He's probably right about that.

I don't know. Looks like the mark of a champion to me.

Oh. Don't feel a thing.

Ah. Numb in the glow of victory.

Yeah. Talk to me tomorrow. [Laughs]

Hey, I don't think I ever told you I, uh, I really liked your pop-up.

Excuse me?


Your pop-up restaurant.

Thanks for clarifying.

Yes, yes. No, I've been to, like, four or five others since then.

And they really made yours stand out. Honestly.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

Lynn says he hooked you up to manage Jack's new place in Soma?

I love that place.

Sorry, Lynn... hooked me up?

Yeah. Yeah, he said he told Jack you'd be a great manager.

I think I get it now. Gay rugby is all about the showers afterwards, right?

That's right.

Hey, how did he do?

Oh, hey. Uh...

Yeah, he, well, I'm sorry to tell you, he won, so we're gonna go meet the boys, but I think that means that you're buying. Right?

Well, okay. [Laughs]



[Doris shouts]


Can you give us a second?


She just... you won the game?


You won... I'm sorry I...

But apparently, I'm buying drinks, so...

Did you know?

That my meeting with Jack was always just for a management job and nothing else.


I knew that he was looking for someone, and I know that he has a lot of money.

You want to fumble a little more?

If I told you that, you wouldn't have gone, would you?

Stop telling people that I'd take a manager job.

That's not what I am. That's not what I'm going to be.

Dom, your reaction, it's...

I'm just trying to help.

I didn't ask for help.

You were the one who said you didn't want to get involved in any business dealing.

Didn't you tell me that?


Then don't.

Come on, let's get a drink.

[Soft music plays]

"Finding the boyfriend within"?

Uh, no, back on the shelf, please.


All you need to know is that it takes a real man to admit that he reads self-help books at times.

I'm sorry, I can't rip my eyes from these pages.

This is suggesting that you... You take yourself out on a date.

Have you... Have you done that?

No, correction. You take the boyfriend within out on a date.

Which is you, your inner boyfriend. Did you do that?

[Laughs] Oh, please, please tell me.

I promise I'll put it back on the shelf.

I did.

[Laughs] My God!

Well, you know, I am impressed.

Thank you.

How... how did it go for the two of you?

You know, it was good at first, actually.

He was a little quiet, a little internal.

But then the real trouble started when I realized that my boyfriend within hates this f*cking book. [Laughs]

Oh God.

I did read that, though.


I think he sounds hot, this inner boyfriend.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What, what, what, what, what?

We actually get to take our time tonight, right?

So... why don't we?

I like this Patrick.

Master of his domain.

What shall we do... master?

♪ ♪ [Indistinct dialogue on TV]

I love this. This is such a good choice.

[Laughs] Hey.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Oh. Sorry. You're buzzing. In your pocket. It's okay.

I think I would have s*x with her, right?

If I was gonna go for a girl.

Or maybe I'd do a three-way with both of them.

Would you do a three-way with them?

I'd do a three-way with you and your inner boyfriend.




Your turn.



But I'm fresh as a Mountain stream.




Let's do this.


Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm gonna cum.

You're gonna cum?

I'm gonna... yeah.

f*ck, I'm gonna cum. Oh, f*ck! Oh!


Oh, I'm gonna f*cking...

[Both grunting]

Oh sh1t!


Oh my God. [Exhales]

Oh f*ck. Oh, f*cking...


Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, f*ck!

Hey, baby. Hey.

Sorry. I must have took an early dinner and crashed out.

Yeah, no, I just saw you'd called when I got up to take a piss.

How was the game?

[Continues speaking indistinctly]

♪ we're going to forget ♪
♪ all the things you could've said ♪
♪ whatever's going on ♪
♪ now you're standing alone ♪
♪ better to forget the loss ♪
♪ we know where you are right now ♪
♪ we know why you wanted ♪
♪ somewhere to go ♪
♪ so now you know ♪
♪ turn away ♪
♪ so now you know ♪
♪ turn away ♪
♪ and now you know ♪
♪ you can mean what you say ♪
♪ so now you know ♪
♪ turn away ♪
♪ so now you know ♪
♪ turn away ♪