[Party music playing]
We are kinda drunk.
Like inappropriate- for-a-work-party drunk.
Like, stop me if I start doing cartwheels.
It's kinda my thing when I'm wasted.
I think I remember that from the Christmas party.
How long do you guys think this is gonna go?
David Beckham is beckoning us.
I can't believe that he gets to take credit for a game that he barely worked on.
Uh, hello, hello, hello.
As you know, I'm not normally one for speeches, but, uh, it has to be said,
15 million units in less than a month is bloody brilliant!
And it must be celebrated. It must.
So, to you.
To most dangerous games.
Hey, hey, hey.
Where are you going? The party's just getting started.
Mind if cut out early? You don't need me for anything anymore, do you?
Uh, well, that's a pretty loaded question.
For work purposes. You don't need me to stay, right?
No, of course not. Today's completely extracurricular...
Awesome. Thank you.
This is unbearable.
How are you not a wreck?
I haven't been able to sleep all week.
Maybe you should take something for that.
Oh. I see. Right.
So that's how this is going to be, is it?
What do you want me to say?
I didn't think it would be this easy for you.
It's not that it's easy for me. You chose Jon.
That's it. End of story.
We're both grownups, okay? We don't have to make a big deal about it.
I think it's actually kind of a relief.
No more sneaking around.
No more pretending that we're not together.
No more lies or secrets or stress.
And no one got hurt.
It'll be fine, Kevin.
[Men moaning on film]
[Music playing distantly]
"Anyone with a driver's license wanna help me pick up a truck?"
Is it safe?
What do you mean?
You do know I can always tell when you're spanking the monkey, right?
Oh God. I was using headphones.
And your silence speaks volumes.
Where you going?
Uh, Richie needs help with something.
[Latin accent] Excuse me?
He needs someone with a license to drive a truck for him.
And you just happened to volunteer?
Yes, I just happened to volunteer.
I'm sorry. Do you have an opinion about that?
I'm sorry. No, it's super cool.
I think it's so smart that you and Richie are trying to get back together mere weeks after Kevin.
That's not what I'm doing.
Okay. You sure about that?
Yes, I'm sure.
Just, honestly, Paddy, please, don't let this be a rebound thing.
Especially not with Richie now that he's with Brady.
Listen, this is not a rebound thing.
I just miss being friends with him and hanging out. That's all.
Just please be careful, okay?
If you're not going to work today, will you please clean the bathroom?
Your Furballs are making me dry heave every time I take a shower.
[Party music playing]
Hey, how you doing? Uh, are you at work?
What are you doing here, Sammi?
You know we got the common room for that.
It's too loud in there.
What are you doing here? You don't work today.
I'm still catching up.
Is Eddie around?
You mean your boyfriend?
Is that why you came in?
Where is he?
He's home, sick.
What's wrong with him?
I don't know. He just gets sick sometimes.
You know you can just do it online now.
Well, that's the thing, it expires after three months and I hate going to the DMV.
Well, yeah. Seventh level of hell.
So we'll take the Bart there and then we'll drive back.
Yeah, I'm excited. I've never driven an ice cream truck before.
And you're sure you can drive stick?
Can I ever.
[Soft chuckle] Sorry. It was a bad joke.
What are you gonna do with it?
Is it gonna be like your mobile salon?
Uh, we're selling it, actually.
You know, that's not really a bad idea.
You could drive around the mission cutting hair.
No, me and my cousin have this little side thing where we take junk trucks and sell them for a profit.
Oh, you flip 'em.
This one we're selling to some hipster fuckers who are gonna sell shrimp meatballs out of it.
Doesn't that sound so stupid?
Yeah, shrimp meatballs?
But, I'm not gonna lie, actual meatballs sound kinda good right now.
[Laughs] You want to stop and eat?
Uh... Uh, no.
Remember this place?
Thanks again for doing this.
Please. It's what friends do.
Also, I didn't really feel like being at work today. [Laughs]
Plus, I have ulterior motives.
I wanna see where you grew up.
Okay, so now I'm getting an image of you on a BMX riding around the block. Is that right?
I never had a bike.
I did have a badass skateboard though.
Oh, no way. That is so cool, and so the opposite of me. I was so not cool.
I spent an entire year riding around on my sister's old bike.
Was it pink?
No, it was not pink.
But it was plastered with "my little pony" stickers and glitter...
So much glitter. It was really bad.
I kind of got used to it, actually, but then my dad took it away and gave me a boys' bike instead.
Yeah, I know. It was so boring and brown.
I missed all that sparkle.
Yeah, I bet you did.
So how often do you come back here?
Um, only when I need to, and I make it so I don't need to often.
Are things any better with your dad?
Pretty much the same.
You know, I am kind of hungry.
[Laughs] Of course you are, Patrick.
You're always hungry.
[Faint music playing]
Hey, it's Agustín.
What are you doing here?
I heard you were sick.
I brought some matzo ball soup.
Without texting first?
I wanted to surprise you.
I'm basically typhoid Mary right now.
So better just leave it by the door.
Yeah, leave it by the door.
[Coughs] And thank you. That's super sweet of you.
No, no, no. Please stop being ridiculous.
Okay? Open the door.
I'm not leaving.
♪ I'm not leaving, I'm not going ♪
I just wanted to check up on you.
You're not sick.
But I'm preventing illness by taking a mental health day.
Oh, I see. Well, I just wanted to check up on you, and I'm glad to see that Saint Eddie's not perfect after all.
I've got soup for you. It's got balls in it.
I'm just asking because I thought he would've driven the truck for you.
Well, because he's the guy you're dating.
So it makes sense that he would, right?
First of all, he's on a deadline.
Second of all, I wouldn't say that we're dating.
Oh, are things not okay between you and the ginger?
No, things are fine between me and Brady.
I just don't want to leap and say that we're dating, that's all.
But, I mean, you like him, right?
Yeah. Trust me. This time I'm not going to jump the gun.
Wow. I walked right into that one, didn't I?
Uh, yeah. You sorta did.
Come on. What are you gonna eat? Everything's amazing.
You know, we can talk about these things...
About Brady and...
I just want you to choose what you're going to eat.
People get pissed when you make them wait, you know?
How giant is the "giant burrito"?
Uh, it's pretty big.
And for you?
Ooh, this burrito is good.
[Chuckles] Told you.
So how's Kevin?
Yeah. Uh, there is no more Kevin.
I mean, he's not dead or anything, but we just...
Well, I was going to say "broke up," but how can you say break up when you never were really together, right?
I ended it.
Just too much lying. Way too much.
He was never gonna leave Jon, and I just started to feel so shitty, like really f*cking shitty about Kevin, about myself, about everyone, so...
It was just the right thing to do.
You know? It just took me a little while to figure out what everybody else already knew.
Well, either way, I'm sorry. Break-ups are always rough.
Yeah, they are.
But to be real with you, I didn't like you in that situation.
So I'm glad you ended it.
Pato, you... You got a little...[/i]
I don't know why you let me order a burrito the size of a baby.
Well, look at you in your place of power.
So you managed to get off after all.
Of course I did.
Three months I've been asking to see your office.
And I keep telling you...
Now that I'm finally allowed.
There's nothing to see. It's the same gamer nerds as in Seattle.
I don't know. I think it's sexy to see you in your element.
It's just all this f*cking glass. People can see in.
Well, I saw the machine.
Are we making t-shirts? [Laughs]
Yes, we are making t-shirts, Jon, and we are drinking beer and we're gonna jump the queue because I'm the boss.
Well, then the boss and I...
Maybe go on the inversion table?
Whatever you want, Jon.
So this was your Uncle's place?
Uh, yeah it was, and my dad's, but they don't work here anymore.
Okay. It's cool.
Wait, this is the truck? This is it.
Right here? Yeah.
This is a clunker.
[Truck jingle playing loudly]
Ah, how do you turn this thing off?
How do you turn this off?
The button right there.
Ooh, that gave me goosebumps.
Come here, you.
Now who's this adorable guerito?
Ceci, this is Patrick. Patrick this is my cousin Ceci.
[Speaks spanish] Is this the pinche puto Patrick that broke your heart?
[Both speak spanish]
He's doing me a favor.
Sorry. I forgot to warn you about my cousin's weird sense of humor.
That's okay. I don't mind. It's so nice to meet you, Cici.
You know what? Don't call me anything. How about that?
Ceci, my friend Patrick here is doing me a favor by coming out here with me.
So please behave. Por favor.
Uh, no. We got to get going.
No, you're having a pinche beer because you weren't raised by wolves.
I wouldn't mind having a beer.
See? He wouldn't mind having a beer.
Bring these dudes some chelas from the fridge.
Okay, that gave me life.
I guess I have to pretend I'm sick more often.
Do you do that a lot? What, play hooky?
I've been known to play the poz card now and again.
It's the one positive thing about being positive.
HIV humor. Jeez.
This tat says I'm allowed.
How long you been poz for?
Okay. No, see, we're not gonna, like, sit down and do the Barbara Walters interview thing.
She's retired. You're not replacing her, so sorry about it.
Oh my God, but you brought it up.
And if it was the other way around, it would've been one of the first things you would have asked me when we met.
Yeah, but I would've done it charming and adorable.
That wasn't charming? That wasn't adorable?
Fine. I've known for about three years, so I guess I had it a year before that.
Do you know how you got it?
I was doing a lot of meth, and I was at this...
Uh, dungeon s*x party in a sling as the courtesy bottom.
So really it could've been any number of guys who took their turns.
I got it from a guy who said he was negative when he wasn't.
A boyfriend at the time.
Are you disappointed it wasn't like "bukkake s*x pig party part 666?"
No, not at all. Not at all.
What about your family?
What about them?
Do they know?
Mm, not yet.
Well, what about your tattoo?
I just tell them it's because I'm a positive person.
I mean, I'm not lying, right?
All right. No more questions.
Let's have some fun.
What kind of fun?
That's what you need right there, primo.
You need to get you one of those good Mexican guys.
Ya pa¡rale with these wishy-washy white boys you keep dating who end up breaking your heart every time.
If you don't shut it, we're leaving, cabrona.
Hey, remember the gringo with the Vespa?
You were a mess! Wait, there was a gringo with a Vespa?
I wanna hear about the gringo with a Vespa.
Hey, Manny, let me borrow that rag so I can shove it in her mouth.
White guys are the f*cking worst.
They walk around like they own everything.
I would never date a f*cking gringo.
I'm sorry... sorry, but isn't that a little bit racist?
What you just said about white guys.
She's just talking sh1t to get at you.
She's dated plenty of white boys. So you were kidding.
All right, prima. It's been real, but we gotta jet.
Hey, are you gonna pass by your mom's before you go?
And what? You're gonna leave and not even ask about La Adelita?
Oh, damn! Wow.
Prima, man, it looks beautiful.
It's incredible. Can I touch it?
You got the keys, Manny?
Did you do this all yourself, Ceci?
It's a masterpiece.
Hey. I know I've been giving you a hard time, but I was just really rooting for you.
I've never seen him be so into anyone.
Well, not in a long time, and then when he came to borrow 200 bucks for some suit for some wedding you were taking him to, that's when I knew.
Hell yeah. You hear that?
Now that's an engine.
♪ Meeting Mr. Right, the man of my dreams ♪
♪ the one who shows me true love, or at least it seems ♪
♪ with brown cocoa skin and curly black hair ♪
♪ it's just the way he looks at me, that gentle loving stare ♪
♪ finally ♪
♪ you've come along ♪
♪ the way I feel about you, it just can't be wrong ♪
♪ if you only knew the way I feel about you... ♪
What are you doing?
♪ I just can't describe it ♪
[Laughs] Come on.
Miami, I think you got your signals crossed.
Wait, wait, wait. You play that specific song, you do that little lip-synch for your life...
♪ "With cocoa brown skin and curly black hair," ♪
And your huge cock flopping around in your flimsy shorts and you're telling me you're not throwing game at me.
Newsflash: Your hair's not that curly and your skin's not that brown.
All right, well...
You're telling me it's just me that was feeling something happening between us?
I mean, I'm sorry if guys take off their panties every time you say so...
I guess I'm officially embarrassed.
You should be embarrassed.
You give up way too easily.
♪ Finally you've come along ♪
But this isn't anything official, okay?
Yeah, sure. This is just... no, no.
This is just me and you fooling around because I like your dance moves, all right?
♪ The way I feel about you ♪
♪ I just can't describe it ♪
[Truck jingle playing]
God, that music is so creepy!
It's like if the Addams Family had an ice cream truck, and were pedophiles.
Although Uncle Fester was definitely a pedophile, right?
We're not doing your whole, cheerleaders in a car wash fantasy.
Oh, come on. No wet t-shirts?
[Laughs ] Stop it.
And it's frat guys in a car wash.
Is that you, Donado?
What's up, Hector?
Hey, what are you selling paletas these days?
The salon business must not be doing so good.
Barber shop, not salon. I work at a barber shop.
Hey, how's your dad?
You know, last time I saw him, he looked real good.
Hey, did you hear...
Everybody came to the wedding. It was real suave.
We missed you, bro.
Yeah, I heard all about it.
Hi, I'm Patrick. Nice to meet you.
Sorry. Is this, uh...
Is this your dude?
No, cabron. He's a friend.
Actually, I'm the... What did your cousin say?
I'm the pinche puto...
[Speaks broken spanish]
sh1t. This is the ex?
You got something to say about it, Hector?
Nah, man. Just thinking about your dad.
Why don't you mind your own f*cking business, man?
Easy, easy. Live and let live.
Look, I gotta get going.
It was good to see you, Ricardo.
And the ex.
[Mutters in spanish]
I'm sorry about that. That just came out.
Why? It's true, isn't it?
That guy's a f*cking asshole.
Our ice cream truck is way cooler than his car.
In my opinion.
Hey, watch it.
Now you want to play.
So this thing with your dad is like legit bad, huh?
Have you ever thought about talking to him?
No offense, Patrick, but you don't know sh1t about my dad.
No, I know. I know.
But I know you...
And if your dad is anything like you...
Where you going with this?
You have a slight tendency sometimes to just be a little...
Just a little stubborn.
Uh, excuse me?
Just a little bit.
No, you know that you are.
Just a little. [Laughs]
I confronted my mom and things are better.
I mean, they're not completely, but definitely improving.
Yeah, well, my dad isn't your mom.
He comes from a totally different world than your mom.
You saw it here today.
No, I know it's not the same at all, and I didn't mean to imply that it is, but...
At the same time...
I don't know. I know what it's like to feel like you can't be yourself when you go home.
And so you either stay away or you go home and kind of pretend.
Yeah, well, that's what I don't wanna do anymore.
I don't want to pretend.
Yeah, so you stay away.
But then if you're anything like me, you kind of want to go home because it's your family.
I don't know, you're kind of forced to confront it.
But still, my dad, he's just...
Well, listen, if your dad is a raging homophobe, then I say f*ck him, okay?
Never speak to him again, but what if he's not?
Then... I don't know.
You're annoying, you know that?
You know that, don't you?
So f*cking annoying.
Sometimes people will tell me that, yes.
If you think this is going to get me to change my mind and go see my dad today...
No, not at all. I'm not expecting that.
Although that would mean that I would get to see your childhood bedroom, which I'm all about, but, no, that's a different visit.
I'm just... I'm just saying you should think about it.
I think it's time to go.
[Truck jingle playing]
Oh my God. This music is crazy.
It's endlessly horrifying every time.
I love it. I hope they keep it.
Turn it off.
Thank you for doing this, by the way.
If we make it back alive, I owe you.
I want to tell you something.
Will you let me tell you something?
Depends on what it is.
I need to apologize...
For what happened with us, you know, how it ended.
Then no, you can't.
Just keep driving and be quiet.
No, no. Seriously.
These last few months have been so fraught with grossness that I need to at least try to be honest for like two minutes.
Or you could just say nothing and I could buy you that beer like I promised.
No, listen, when Ceci told me about how you borrowed the money for that suit...
f*ck that mouth of hers. She is not getting that money.
No, no, no. It just reminded me how f*cking sweet and amazing you were, not just that day, but the entire time we were together.
This is not a good idea, Patrick.
That night that we were standing in front of my apartment, I just...
I need you to know that it wasn't because I didn't like you enough, and it wasn't because I couldn't imagine us together in the future.
It's just that when you asked me if I was ready...
It was a complicated night.
What do you mean? It was just very...
Very what? f*cked up and confusing.
Okay? I didn't know what was happening with us, and...
I was at work right before I saw you, and Kevin and me, we...
Yeah, but I need you to know that it's nothing that ever happened before...
I f*cking knew it...
And it's not something that I planned.
I'm not trying to make an excuse or say that it didn't mean anything because obviously...
[Stammering] I just wanted to say that I'm...
Sorry, okay? I never apologized...
You got drumsticks?
Drumsticks. I want drumsticks.
Get out of here, kid.
You're not gonna punch me in the face now, are you?
Or make me walk home?
Let's just go back to the city.
That's all you're gonna say?
It's in the past.
And, yeah, it doesn't feel great, but I mean...
You had something with Kevin, right?
And I'm with Brady now, and I like him.
The truth is...
Despite you being a...
Pinche puto hijo de su madre,
I would be very sad if you weren't in my life anymore.
So does that mean we're friends?
We'll try to be.
I'll take friends.
Wait! I want my drumstick!
♪ the man of my dreams ♪
♪ the one who showed me true love ♪
♪ at least it seems ♪
♪ with brown cocoa skin ♪
♪ and curly black hair ♪
♪ it's just the way he looks to me ♪
♪ that gentle loving stare ♪
♪ finally, you come along ♪
♪ the way I feel about you, it just can't be wrong ♪
♪ if you only knew ♪
♪ the way I feel about you ♪
♪ I just can't describe it ♪
♪ oh, oh, finally ♪
♪ it has happened to me ♪
♪ right in front of my face ♪
♪ and I just can't describe it ♪
♪ finally, it has happened to me ♪
♪ right in front of my face ♪
♪ and I just cannot hide it ♪
♪ it seems so many times ♪
♪ you seemed to be the one ♪
♪ but all he ever wanted ♪
♪ was to have a little fun ♪
♪ but now you've come along ♪
♪ and brightened up my world ♪
♪ in my heart I know that you're ♪
♪ that special kind of girl ♪