02x06 - Looking for Gordon Freeman

[Spooky voice] This guy messaged me on OkCupid.

Didn't this used to be a blockbuster?

Can't we just go as the Golden Ghouls again?

I still got the blouses.

No, I am not spending another Halloween dressed as an old, dead woman from an '80s TV show.

We're throwing a party this year. We're gonna be the fun gays.

I'm already a fun gay. You're literally the least fun gay I know.

[Laughs] What's not fun and gay about being a Golden Ghoul?

Shouldn't you and Eddie be doing a couple's costume by now anyway?

What, and be like Dom and Doris, San Francisco's most annoying Halloween couple?


Hey, how about a hairy fairy?

[Gasps] Oh, man, I hate you.

I love it. You look good in wings.

You think so?


Amazing. Your hair and that glitter.

[Laughs] All right, we're in.

Oh, good.

Yeah. See, glitter, that's all I needed to hear.

Just, glitter does it.

The Facebook invite says 9:00, which means people probably are gonna show up around 10:00, so I think we should have the keg by 8:30.

It'll be there.

Hey, I gotta go.

Where are you going?

Gotta get to work.

It's Saturday.

Homeless gay kids don't stop being homeless on the weekend, Paddy.

But you're supposed to get the cups and plates.

Well, can't you do it? I promised Eddie I would help out with the pumpkins.

No, I have to go to the office to get the "monster mash" remix.

The what?

The karaoke remix of...

I'm already late.

I gotta go or else I'll be late. Bye.

[Sighs] How is it that the new, thoughtful Agustin still leaves me with everything to do?

He's doing his best.

I guess so.

His best just isn't that great.

[Laughs] That's true. Right?


[Door opens]

[Video game sound effects Hey.

Oh. Jesus. Oh.


You scared the sh1t out of me.

Well, it is Halloween. What are you playing?

Oh, just something I've already beaten about 15 times, I just haven't gotten the perfect score yet.

Here I am thinking you're shaming me by working on the weekend.

Well, I sort of did some work.

I coded some of that app we were talking about.

Seriously? The gay battle game?

I didn't know that you were still...

No... [Clears throat] I was just bored, I guess.

Inventing work for myself.

Anyway, what are you doing here?

Haven't you got a party to prepare?

That's what I'm doing.

By stealing from the office?

Just a few Twix. [Laughs]

You, uh, you got the evite, right?

I did.

Cool. You don't have to come if you don't want to. I totally get it.

Do you not want me to come?


No, I just... I... I didn't want you to...

Think that I was having a party and purposely not inviting you.

I appreciate the gesture, Patrick, but seeing as it might be my only Halloween in San Francisco, I feel like Jon and I may opt to see the sights.

What does that mean?

We talked about going back to Seattle.


Mm. Be good for us, I think.

Jon misses his family, and I feel like I made him leave a job he really liked.

I guess I get that, but...

But what?

[Sighs] You basically just got here, right?

It'd be better for us.

For me.

Well, this city is really fun on Halloween, but it can also be kind of nuts, so...

Be safe.

I will.

Happy Halloween.

Yeah, yeah. You too.

[Dance music plays]

Last year, Dustin wrote "a**l rape pumpkin." So this is progress.

It was a political statement. Who did that one?

That's mine.

It's very Banksy.

No f*ckin' way you did that.

Uh, yeah, I did.

Thanks for believing in us.

I only believe in three things: It's RuPaul, Hillary Clinton, and you kids. So relax.

You guys have no taste.

Hey, don't be rude, or you're not gonna get one of these delicious IHOP gift certificates.

Pancakes suck, Mr. Eddie.

Wait, what, pancakes suck?

Only in America can a homeless kid complain about free pancakes.

Look, this is from a grant.

So get yourself a spooky lumberjack stack. It's Halloween!

Hey. You dressing up tonight?

Does a bottom howl at the moon?

I don't know what that means. Sure you don't.

You should spend the night. After the party.

You mean, like, in the bed with you?

Like, yes, in the bed with me. Clothing optional.

Yeah... I told some friends I'd meet them at the endup after your party.


But depending on your Halloween costume, perhaps I could be persuaded.


Is that a challenge?

You tell me.

[Gasps] Ooh...

Okay. All right. I'm coming for you.

Yeah, what you got, boy?

Oh, I got it.

I know exactly what I'm bringing. You're gonna love it.

All right, I'm waiting.

You're spending the night.

You might even spend many nights.

All right, slow your roll. [Laughs]

Hey, can you take a look at this for me?

If this involves curating your naked selfies, I already told you I think it's weird if you show your butthole.

It's not naked selfies. Look. [Gasps]

You're tweeting.

It's good for the kickstarter.

@chickendom40, all right, you have 30 followers.

That's not much of an expansion, my friend. Sorry.

Oh, you're a beacon of positivity. Thank you.

Okay, no. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No.

I'm glad you're sticking with it. That's good.

You also realize you're asking for Twitter help from the woman who just found out last week that my phone has a calendar on it.


So helpful. Why don't you ask one of Patrick's techie friends to help you tonight?

Oh, you mean, like, "hey, come help grandpa use the clicker?"

Yeah, exactly. It's the least that they could do for ruining the city.

You know, speaking of tonight...

I know we said we'd never do it, but then I saw this, and I was like, "f*ck it, we are doing it this year."

Oh my God! No! That's not She-Ra's headdress.


Oh, and wait one moment. That's not all.

Right next to it, we have... Oh, man!

Right? And you are gonna flip when you see my wig.



I told Malik that I would dress up with him.

We were drunk and I kinda promised.


No, it's fine. I mean, you're a couple now.

You should wear a couple's costume.

All right, I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing.

What is it with gay people trying to ruin straight people's relationships with their labels?

We are two adults who occasionally sleep together, and we're going to a party dressed as romantically involved partners.

That's all. That's all.

Got it. Got it.

[Sighs] But now I wanna see the wig.



You really do?

You got me.

Oh my God.

You're gonna be so jealous that you're not coming with me, because this is kind of awesome.

Oh, no. Okay.

Ew. Oh God, you look like a mentally ill Barbie doll, after I cut off my Barbie doll's hair.

Really? Was she still pretty?

No, 'cause I also burned her nose down.

Nose job.


[Dance music plays faintly]

Hey. I'm almost done.

Hey, will you velcro me in the back, please?

Okay. Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, drinks, thank you.


How good is this costume?


What're you supposed to be?

I'm Gordon Freeman.

And he's, like, what, a mailman from the future?

No, he's one of the most popular video game characters of all time.

He revolutionized first-person shooter games because you so rarely saw or heard him, you could better imagine yourself in the game.

Wait, so, your idea of a fun gay is a character with so little personality he's basically nothing?

No, my idea of being a fun gay is to have an amazing costume, to forget everything that Kevin told me earlier today...

Oh, f*ck that guy...

And to throw an amazing party, all right?

Tonight, I'm gonna be hashtag "instagayed," and people are gonna be like, "wow, who is that really cute, well-adjusted, single guy?"

It's me, America. Get into it.

[Laughs] Or people will be like, "oh my God."

"I can't believe that mailman from the future"

"didn't drop off that package I haven't ordered yet."

Okay, I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.

Okay, here we go.

To Morgan Freeman.


To Gordon Freeman.

Thank you. Gordon Freeman.

Gordon Freeman.

Gordon... if people ask.


If people ask?

Yeah, people will ask.

People are gonna know.

People are gonna ask.


Hey, Mr. Fung is cool with the music, right?

Sometimes Fung freaks out.

Fung'll be fine, though I'm not so sure about everyone else.

What is this playlist, "now music 5"?

No, it's my special party playlist, and if you touch it I'm gonna kill you.

Oh my God, you're maleficent. That is such a good costume.

You look amazing.


Oh my God!


[Laughing] Master of my universe!



What fabulous secret powers are you going to reveal tonight when you hold aloft your magic sword?

Wouldn't you like to know? And you are?

I'm Gordon Freeman.



He's one of the most popular video game characters of all time.

He revolutionized...

You don't want to hear the explanation.

Where do you guys want this? It weighs like a million f*cking pounds.

In the kitchen.

In the kitchen, yeah, yeah. And also, promise you're gonna do karaoke later, okay?

Oh God, do I have to?

Yes, yes!

You have to sign up.

We all do.

Actually, everyone, there's gonna be karaoke later.

So there's a sheet. There's a sign-up sheet in there.

[Dance music plays]

Hey, uh, I gave your kickstarter, like, 35 bucks.

That means I get some sort of coupon for nuggets, right?

Hey, you're a social media guy, right?

Yeah. Am I a social media guy?

I have 3,300 Tumblr followers.

Isn't that just for p0rn?

No, what... it's not... It's not not for p0rn.

But it's... do you not know what a Tumblr is?

[Dance music plays]

No way. [Laughing]

That is crazy!

Come on.

You guys are, uh...

Come on.

You're, uh...

Come on.

Oh my God, you don't know?

No, I...

Come on. Ooh!


We're like pigeons. We're like singing pigeons.

We're not singing pigeons. We're Sonny and Cher!

Oh, yes! Yes! Sonny and Cher!

Oh my God, you guys are the cutest.

See, babe? Patrick says we're the cutest.

The cutest.

Yeah, you're gonna believe that from the gay Walter White?

Or Tron, or whatever you are.

No, it's Gordon Freeman.

I don't know what it's gonna take to convince this woman that she's in love with me.

That is so intense.

Yeah, that's a little intense.

You know what's less intense? Sonny and Cher karaoke duet.



Inside, I got a karaoke machine!


That sounds awful.

I need shots.

Go in and get a drink, and then sign up, though. I'm trying to avoid party conflict with people fighting over who goes next.

[Overlapping chatter]



Love you, Cher.

Love you, He-Man.

Look at that ass!

Hey, what do you think of dom'sjuicychicken.tumblr.com?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

My God, I spent $200 on that karaoke machine and no one is singing.


The karaoke machine.

I thought it would be, you know, a good party thing.


I want people to have fun.

People are having fun. You're not having fun.

No, I am having plenty of fun.

Okay, Clarissa Dalloway. Lay off on the booze, okay?

You smell like my tia Stella.

Who's Clarissa Dalloway?

Well, who's tia Stella?

One person. I've got one person on this list.

Oh my goodness!


Right, cutie.

Girl, what you supposed to be?

The chlamydia fairy?

What? Are you Hagrid from "Harry Potter"?

Bilbo Baggins, m*therf*cker.

sh1t. You look good.

Thanks. So do you.

Thank you.

Uh, Patrick, this is James. James, Patrick.

James thinks you're adorable, and you're both single.

So you guys should discuss this while we go get drinks.

Okay. All right.


Well you just...

The drinks are that way.

Bilbo Faggins, looking cute!

Sorry about that. Eddie's a lot.

Yeah. You're, uh, you're, uh...

Link from Legend of Zelda, right?

Uh, Legolas.


We had this whole Lord of the Cockrings thing going, but everyone got lost and...

So like the movie?

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh. Will you excuse me for a second?





This is the best Gordon Freeman costume I've ever seen!


You... you made this?

Uh, most of it, yeah. Uh...

Hey! Guess who I am?

Um, shot in the dark, I'm gonna say Carrie.

See, bitch? [Laughs]

I told her people would think she's an angry tampon, and I stand by that.


I'm gonna make us drinks. Do you like whiskey?

I like whiskey. I know you like whiskey.

Yes, I do.

You like anything.



They're a little intense when they get together.

Yeah, he's got a lot of energy.

[Laughs] Be nice.


[Laughs] He's all revved up.

His article just went viral this week, so...

Oh, that's exciting.

Yeah, he's the youngest writer at "SF Weekly" to get that many views.

Wow, that's a real... That's a real accomplishment.

I'm serious, I'm serious. I'm really... I'm happy that you came, and I'm happy that you brought Brady.

Thanks. He's a lot of fun.

Yeah, definitely.

I mean, he's not as much fun as me, but...

He's way more fun than you. [Laughs]

Wait, seriously? I thought...

Who's thirsty?

Okay, thank you!






f*ck! You two are so cute.

I'm serious, you guys are like "put a ring on it" cute.

Hold on, hold on.

Will you hold this?


Oh my God.

All right, do some sweet sh1t.

Come on. Make it real cute, real cute.

Okay, last one, last one.

Okay. All right, all right. One more. Selfie, selfie.

So basically I just make sure that the applicants have their paperwork in order.

It's not a lot of fun, but it pays pretty well.

I heard you... listen, I gotta go, um...

Check on the chips.

I'll see you.

You know, I thought it was really important to push for, because it's a kind of homophobia that's hard to clock, but it's s*x shame.

If there's a pill that can prevent HIV, everyone should take it.

Believe me, I would've been the first in line.

Yeah, but taking a pill just so you can f*ck? I mean...

Yeah, it's like birth control, actually.

It's not really the same.

In the same way that birth control liberates women, prep can liberate gay men.


How does having unprotected s*x liberate anyone?

Right? I mean, what's so bad about using condoms?

Well, you're actually supposed to continue using condoms while on prep.

Okay, but the thing about using condoms is the only reason people use condoms is 'cause they have a fear of dying of HIV.

Well, you can't die from HIV. I mean, we know that.

I know you can't die of HIV.

That's not what I'm saying. What I'm... trying to say, is that someone who doesn't even have HIV, and isn't even taking prep, shouldn't probably be telling people...

I do take prep.


The article's called "why I take prep."


I don't think you have to read the article, per se, to get what the point is.

Which is what?

Okay! Well, you know a party's really awesome when everyone starts to talk about aids.

[Laughter] Um, as fun as this is for me, I'm gonna go to the bathroom right now and jerk off to feline leukemia.

Ooh! [Laughter]

What's feline leukemia?

It's pussy cancer.


Well said, Doris.

Thank you. I wanna educate.


Don't go to the endup. What do you mean?

I mean I want you to spend the night with me.

Honey, I'm not a snuggler.

Okay, we don't gotta snuggle. I'll build a pillow wall between us.

[Laughs] Agustin, I told you, okay, when we talked about this, that when we started... we don't gotta label it if you don't want to.

Okay, we're not gonna use labels, okay?

I know it freaks some people out.

I like you, okay? I like you, and I wanna see what you smell like in the morning.

I bet it's the worst.

[Laughs] It is the worst!


Hey, there's a line out here!

Here, give me.

She's all yours.


Yum, yum. I smell drugs.


Yeah, yeah. By the way, your girl...

She's a tough one.

You know, when I fall for someone, I fall hard, and I think I might have scared her.

Yeah, you did...

But I'm pretty sure that's just because she feels the same way about you.



Oh, come on, Doris's BFF.

All right, dude. Good looking, man.

Whoa, that is a titty and a half!

No, this is two titties. Technically, it's four halves. Go ahead.

[Laughs] May I?


As long as Doris don't see. She might be weird about it.

That is... Oh!

[Mellow rock plays]


You're so beautiful.

Hey! Are you serious right now?

I don't know, am I?

What am I, your sloppy party leftovers?

Happy Halloween, dick.


Your playlist is garbage.

This playlist is f*cking awesome, okay?

I quite fancy this song.


Hey. I know we didn't RSVP...

Who's "we"?

But I thought you wouldn't mind if...

Uh, Patrick, you remember Jon.

Dude, amazing party!

It's really good. The city is nuts tonight.

It is nuts.

Totally nuts.

We saw a guy on the street, balls out, balls out!


It was crazy.

That is so crazy.

You know what we need?

f*cking... booze.

That's right.

Are you f*cking kidding me right now? This cannot be happening.

I thought you wanted to be a grown-up about this...

What is grown up about bringing your boyfriend to the house of the guy that you were f*cking cheating on him with?

Christ, Patrick, can you...

Can I what, Kevin? Can I what?

Okay, this is my party. All right? It's my party, and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna just say what I want to say.

Miss me?

Excuse me for a second. Okay?

Hey, Paddy, you all right?

Yeah, I'm great.

I can ask them to leave if you want me to.

No, Dom, it's a fun gay party! Why would we do that?

You didn't sign up for karaoke?

I love your mega man costume.

[Woman laughing]

Hey, Paddy. Just...

[Music shuts off]

What are you doing?

[Feedback] Hello! Hello! Is this thing on?

Ah! Happy Halloween, everybody!


I just wanted to say thank you, everyone, for coming.

This is mine and... Me and Agustin's party.

We never have parties, but this year I was like, "I wanna be a fun gay, and fun gays have parties."

So this is my party!

[Crowd cheers]

I wanna know, though, why is nobody singing karaoke?

I mean, do people not sing karaoke anymore?

That's so weird, right?

Well, later we'll sing. But I just wanted tonight to say thank you, everyone, for coming.

I wanted to say all my friends are here.

Dom is here. You all know Dom, right?

He-Man, Master of the Universe is here.

Dom is actually opening a restaurant.

Well, it's not really a restaurant, it's like...

It's a chicken window. I don't know what that is.

He's gonna sell windows out of his chicken and it's gonna be great.

But he doesn't have any money. So if we... could you... excuse me, yes.

Thank you so much. I'm gonna take this hat, and we're gonna pass it around and we're gonna do a collection, like church.

So if you have bills...

You don't have to do that.

No, Dom, shut up. I love you. I love your chicken.

Just pass that sh1t around and we're gonna raise some money.

And this is Agustin!

And he's here because he lives here.

Also because he looks amazing.

And he called me Clarissa Dalloway earlier.

So if anybody knows what that means, you can let me know.

That would be great, but I wanna talk to you for real, Agustin.

Put the drink down and look at me in the eyes.

And I wanna say... Excuse me, sorry. [Sniffles]

I'm really proud of you, because you have really turned it around this year.

You're become thoughtful, and helpful, and you take care of trans kids, and a rent check would be nice, but I'm not gonna push it, right?

Right? Richie? Richie knows.

Richie knows because... Richie, this is crazy, but Richie actually picked Agustin up off the street when he was on drugs. That's because Richie's such a good person, and I think that we should all raise a glass.

If I could just, Carrie, have your red punch.

And raise a glass to Richie, and don't think I forgot about you over there, laughing behind Richie. That's Brady.

Uh, which turns out is Richie's soulmate.

So... yeah, there's that.

He's also actually, I learned this evening, the gay Dr. Ruth. So if anybody needs their truvada prescription filled, that ginger over there in the crown is the one you go to, all right?

You go, you guys. Cheers. And also to...

While we're at it, I'd like to raise a glass to my boss, Kevin.

Kevin, hi! Look, Owen, it's Kevin and Jon!

His longtime boyfriend! Isn't it great when two gay guys can just work it out like that?

I think it's amazing. So I just wanted to say, Kevin, these last few weeks have been so special.

In particular, that time a couple weeks ago when we were alone at the office...

No, no, no! I haven't gotten the chance... no, I am Gordon Freeman, okay?

He's the most popular video game character of all time!

Okay, Gordon Freeman! How do you people not know that?

You know who that is, right?

Make sure no one uploads any videos on YouTube.

He's a video game character.



That was a train wreck.

Apparently, Patrick's little breakdown only got us about, what, $12, $13.

It's okay, we can buy a new, little chicken with it.

Our first chicken.

Where's Malik?

He is in the car. He's changing his shoes.

He's kind of done with the whole Cher thing.

He's really great. You know that, right?

Oh, really? What, did he rim you or something?


You gotta watch that guy.

He loves ass.

He's all up in it.


Yeah, I know, okay? I know he's great. I know he's great.

I know he's great. He's a little too great.

It's scaring the sh1t out of me. I'm not...

I don't like the whole couple's costume thing too, I wish we hadn't done it. It's freaking me out.

'Cause Sonny and Cher? Ugh.

You know how that turned out.

Do you know what I think?

[Sighs] What?

I think you two are great together.

Man. Oh my God.

These shoes are no joke.


[Sighs] f*ck.

You know, if it's any consolation, there was only one suicide during Clarissa Dalloway's parties.

I still don't know who that is.

Your party's been way better.

I still don't know who that is.

It's Virginia Woolf, "Mrs Dalloway."

Well, that was... That was quite a speech.

Sorry, do you mind if...

Yeah, actually, I do mind.

Agustin, it's fine. Really.

I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry.

I'm drunk, and we were at a bar around the corner...

I don't want you to go to Seattle.

I don't want us being weird to be the reason I never see you again.


I'd miss you too much if you go.

Here you two are.

I thought the party was inside.

I just came to get the karaoke sign-up sheet.

Seen it?

Yeah, I've got that.

I will, uh, I'll just unfold it.

You know, 'cause I slay Celine Dion.

I really do. Don't I, babe?

Oh my God. You do, yes.

f*ck yeah, I do.

f*ck yeah.

Is everything all right?

Mm-hm. You?


Can we go?


Hm... Yeah, f*ck me, I'm tired, and I'm drunk.

Um, I'm... I'm drunk.


Happy Halloween, Patrick.

The happiest.

Good luck in Seattle.

I hope everything works out the way you want.

What does that mean?

[Music plays on karaoke machine]

[Singing indistinctly]

♪ He did the mash ♪
♪ he did the monster mash ♪
♪ the monster mash ♪
♪ it was a graveyard smash.
♪ He did the mash ♪
♪ it caught on in a flash ♪
♪ he did the mash ♪
♪ the monster mash.
♪ Aah-ooh ♪
♪ waah-ooh ♪
♪ wah-wah-ooh ♪
♪ wah-ooh ♪
♪ they did the mash ♪
♪ they did the monster mash ♪
♪ the monster mash ♪
♪ it was a graveyard smash.
♪ They did the mash ♪
♪ it caught on in a flash.
♪ They did the mash ♪
♪ they did the monster mash ♪
♪ wah-ooh ♪
♪ shoop, wah-ooh ♪
♪ shoop-wah-ooh ♪
♪ shoop, wah-ooh ♪
♪ too long ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ I've been loving you, oh ♪
♪ too long ♪
♪ so come down from the clouds ♪
♪ come down on me ♪
♪ so come down from the clouds ♪
♪ come down on me ♪
♪ when you're so high ♪
♪ you don't think ♪
♪ when you fall from the sky ♪
♪ you won't break ♪
♪ I've been loving you ♪
♪ too long ♪
♪ I've been loving you ♪
♪ for too long ♪