02x10 - Looking for Home

[cable car bell dings]

[siren wailing]

[door rattling]

Excuse us.

Oh, sorry.

I was just trying to...

You need to get yourself a fob.

They're "fobulous." [laughs]

Come on.

Thank you.

Thieves don't usually bring vales.

Unless they're genius thieves.

So you never know.

Are you coming?

Yes, yeah, thank you.

Nice and tight.

Whoops. [beeps]

Oh, wow, you really do need that fob for everything around here.

Yeah. Hey, are you moving into that apartment with the roof garden?

Yes. I'm Patrick.

Milo. I had dreams of switching to that place.

Five is so stuffy.

I am Jake.

Was that your husband I saw earlier with the moving van?

No, no, we're not married. Uh, he's just my boyfriend.

Oh, great. We'll see you soon.

Welcome to the building.

Thank you so much!

I'm sure I'll see you...

[muffled music playing]

[knock responding]

[Yo! Oorbell chimes]

Oh god, is that our doorbell?

Yeah.

It's a little...

Get your cute ass in here, Patrick Murray. Shoes off.

Is ia no-footwear home, okay?

Oh, is it now? All right, no shoes.

Kiss me.

Oh god, so many boxes.

Uh, hello, Kevin Costner.

[chuckles] Pretty cool, isn't it?

It's, um... Here I thought I was moving in with just one Kevin...

Ha!

But... No, it's...

You like "Field of Dreams," huh?

Like it? I f*cking love it. It's the best film ever made.

Really, ever?

Don't tell me you don't like "Field of Dreams."

It's just... it's been a while.

Has it?

Yeah.

I just realized I don't know your stuff.

Did my boxes get in okay?

Oh, yeah. The delivery guys... they were hot, by the way...

Oh, nice.

Really hot.

[chuckling] They muddled up all of our stuff.

But I think it's okay, because I've got all your stuff there, and all of my stuff is there.

Nice.

Ta-da!

Oh, amazing.

To moving in and moving on.

To both those things.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh god, that's good.

I know.

[sighs]

All right.

You okay?

What do you mean?

Saying goodbye to Agustin and everything?

I know it's just baby steps. No, I'm good.

This... it feels right. I was just telling the guys this morning.

They think it's too fast.

A little bit. Actually kind of a lot.

They probably think I'm crazy. But...

Do you think you're crazy?

No.

Not even a little bit.

This is gonna sound weird, but ever since my mom completely imploded our family, I feel oddly liberated.

Why?

I don't have anything to live up to anymore.

We get to make up our own... way.

Well...

I am glad that I get to make it with you.

Come into the bedroom, please.

[chuckles]

Look at that view.

I swear when I was a kid, I never thought in a million years I would live somewhere like this, above everyone.

If those fuckers could see me now.

Wait, can people see in?

I hope so. Let's christen the bed.

Anyway, wasn't it you who wanted to f*ck me against the window?

That was before they were our actual neighbors.

I've already programmed in the sleep numbers.

You're at 75, I'm at 96.

Wait, shouldn't we take the plastic cover off first?

Nah, it'll wipe clean this way.

[laughing] [doorbell rings]

Who's that? Is there a way to change that tone?

[doorbell rings]

Mmm. Maybe you should get it. It might be important.

It better be.

Otherwise there's going to be big trouble in little China.

[laughs]

[Kevin talking, indistinct]

Who was it?

Jake and Milo.

You met them in the elevator, I hear.

Yes, yeah, yeah. What do they want?

They're just having a Christmas drinky thing tonight and they've invited us.

Do you fancy it?

Well, we've got Agustin's mural thing.

Oh, the mural thing, right.

That's tonight, is it? Cool.

Do we have to go to that?

It's a fundraiser for the shelter, Scroogey.

Yes, we have to go.

Ah, well, if it's a fundraiser, we should definitely go.

We can just have a drink with Jake and Milo another time.

All right, well, maybe we can stop by for a quick drink on the way out, if you want.

Good. Thank you.

Because I already said yes.

Oh.

Now, come on, quick. Fuck-me-in-the-buttime before someone else rings that f*cking bell.

[laughs]

[grunts]

So, you guys doing all right?

Yeah, yeah. We just...

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, man! [laughs]

What is up?

How you doin'?

Good to see you, man.

You too. I hope I didn't pull you away from anything too important.

Oh, no, I'm in my sixth meeting this week on f*ckin' Google buses.

Oh, sh1t.

All right, I'm good to get away.

Don't worry about it.

Okay. I was just here getting some permits for the new place.

So I thought I'd see if you were around.

Dude, she misses you too.

Okay? All right, let's just cut to it.

[laughs] Please join me.

Is she ever going to talk to me again?

Well, you know, she's working through it.

I need for something to happen.

She keeps cleaning sh1t.

You know that thing in the drawer that has the forks and knives?

Who thinks about keeping that thing clean?

Oh, sh1t, she's pissed. She gets kind of OCD.

I'm like, just give him a call, please.

She won't. She gets dug in.

Yeah. Well, you just got to come around.

Seriously, just come around.

I'll tell her... I'll tell her you just want to go for a walk or something.

Please. Please, for me, come on.

Dom, she's probably home right now scrubbing the welcome mats.

Okay, okay.

We need you.

You're saying yes?

I'm saying yes.

Good man. That's what I want to hear.

Thanks, man.

No problem. Any time.

Hey, you... you love her, right?

Big time.

Good. Just making sure.

[chuckles]

[music playing]

Whoa, nice apartment.

Whoa.

It's the penthouse playmates.

I like that. Thank you for having us.

Are you kidding? We just want access to that rooftop garden of yours.

Why is that then? You want to plant some seed up there?

Oh! [laughing]

Thanks for coming on your big move-in day.

There's bourbon punch.

Yum.

That's lethal.

Okay.

Partake.

We will, thank you.

We will, thank you.

Yeah.

Of course.

All right, see you in a bit then, boys.

Welcome.

Yo Hey, cute accent.

Hey.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Here we go.

It's very white, isn't it?

The apartment?

No, no, the crowd.

Everyone is white.

Oh, yeah. And not one ugly person.

Well... That guy.

You guys just gonna hover over this thing?

Oh, sorry, sorry. Two minutes and then...

No, I'm kidding. You guys are from upstairs, right?

Wow, word really travels fast.

Yeah, this crowd.

It's a lot the same. One party blends into the next.

You know, so new meat is of interest.

New meat?

Don't be intimidated. We're fun.

And as the night goes on, we get a little bit wild.

So drink up, boys.

Hey... Oh, I got you. [chuckles]

All right.

Mm-hmm.

[laughs] My god, what is happening right now?

Three people just said the same thing.

But it cannot be an orgy situation, not with this group of vanilla cupcakes.

Everyone just must be making out or something.

I don't know. They keep talking about a second bedroom.

What do you think happens in the second bedroom?

I don't know, but that sounds like the tagline for a horror movie.

Something, Patrick, is definitely going down.

Because everyone is so f*cking flirty.

Yeah, with you, which I love, because I've got you.

Let's go, shall we?

You want to leave, don't you?

I don't know.

Maybe we should stay and watch.

A little lookie-loo of some nookie-noo action?

Why not?

[both laughing] All right, Patrick.

[laughing] Easy on the punch.

[music continues]

So sorry. Excuse me.

Breaking news?

Um, oldest news ever.

We're comparing Grindr profiles.

That's the oldest news ever.

Yeah.

Yeah, and trying to figure out who's who.

We all know profiles can be very deceiving.

Right.

Hey, is this that guy over by the... by the sushi?

The guy with the coat?

Well, you have to erase the beard.

No, why would he have a beard on his profile, but not in real life?

No, that's not him.

Who's Rompford?

Who?

Let's see. Rompford has no pic and no profile.

He's the closest guy to us.

Rompford is all up in our grill right now.

Hey, how you doin'? You okay?

Yeah. We should go.

Oh, really?

Yeah, sorry, guys.

Okay. Uh, yeah. Oh, we're late for this fundraiser thing with these trans teens downtown.

Listen, we'll make it up to you guys, okay?

Drinks soon. Sorry, sorry.

[elevator ding]

Whoa, whoa, Patrick? Patrick, what's happened?

I need a f*cking fob.

Okay.

Are we... we going home?

Yeah.

All right.

[beeps] What is it? What's happened?

Are you Rompford?

Uh... Yeah, of course you are.

It's where you grew up. It'd be a crazy coincidence otherwise.

I can see what you're thinking right now, but please don't freak out about this.

I'm not freaking out. I'm really not. I'd just love to know what's what, and what you're doing on a hook-up site.

If Rompford is on Grindr, that means Rompford was on Grindr within the last few hours.

I went on because I wanted to know who else was in the building.

Why?

Why? I don't know why.

Because I was bored waiting for you.

Who doesn't want to know what other homos are lurking in the shadows?

[scoffs] You don't do that?

I don't have Grindr on my phone.

Oh, come on, Patck? Really?

No.

Not anymore. And I guess I don't understand why you do.

Haven't you gone from relationship to relationship?

Okay, babe, check my history.

Go on, you won't see any favorites, no chats, no pictures, nothing.

Go on, try for yourself.

I'm not going to check your phone.

Then please... please don't read into something that isn't there, okay?

Just tell me I didn't move in with a s*x addict.

[laughs] For f*ck's...

You didn't move in with a s*x addict.

[laughs] Okay. And if I am a s*x addict, I'm a s*x addict with you. [phone ringing]

sh1t. Yeah, answer that. I need to piss.

I'm goin piss and then we're gonna go, okay?

Okay.

[sighs]


Hey.

Hey, where you at?

Oh, sh1t. Um, sorry.

Just, we got into something.

What kind of thing?

Um... do you think it's weird if Kevin is on Grindr?

[laughs] It depends.

Well, he doesn't have a picture or a profile or anything.

It's more out of curiosity.

No, it's... Look, everybody's got the app on their phone, right?

It's what you do with it that matters.

Right.

Totally, yes.

Yes. Listen, I'm gonna go because he's actually in the bathroom...

Okay, listen. Just breathe, Paddy, okay?

And, uh, get your butt over here.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

All right, bye.

Uh, looks like I might not have to find a new roommate after all.

No?

Kevin's on Grindr.

[groans] Brother.

What's the matter? You not feeling good?

Just like PrEP side effects.

Or maybe you're just nervous?

Well, I didn't paint it, so...

For Sammi, not for you, you narcissist.

I'm just glad I convinced her against the slogan, "I want a pussy so suck my dick."

Oh! She can save that for her Christmas card.

Ah... can you wear this for the next two weeks?

Okay. [laughs]

Do you want a quick PBJ without the "J" before we leave?

Uh, peanut butter is disgusting.

What?

Really? How do you not know this?

How have you not heard my rant about nut butter?

About keeping your nuts and your butter separate?

[laughs] Well, I didn't know there was such a thing.

[plate rattling]

Okay, you know what? Can I just ask this?

I just want to know.

When you were with Jon, did you hook up with other people?

Apart from you?

Come on, you know what I'm asking.

And this is not an interrogation. I just...

Be honest.

That's what the CIA say before they start waterboarding.

There will be no waterboarding, I promise.

Well, it was complicated, as you know.

We spent a lot of time apart.

Wait, so you're saying you had an arrangement?

No.

But you hooked up with other people?

It wasn't really like that.

Well, what was it like?

Just, you know... a few things happened a few times, and it was just little things...

What kind of little things?

I don't think this is a good terrain to get into right now.

No, really, it's okay. I... I...

I want us to talk about these things like adults.

Like adults?

Okay. Well, it was, uh... you know, minor things, like... a little tug in the steam room at the gym, or, you know, a massage or two with a happy ending.

Which, you know, I don't even think that counts.

Why doesn't that count?

Because it's just a massage.

Did Jon know?

Okay, don't get all judgy on me.

You sound like your sister. I seem to remember you telling me about some wank you had in the woods.

It was an aborted wank. Which... it's different. I was single.

Patrick...

This is in the past, okay?

You're not Jon.

This is not me and Jon. And you know, to be honest, I'm actually really f*cking happy I cheated on him.

Why?

Because if I hadn't cheated on him, we wouldn't be together.

So can we just leave it in the past, and concentrate on the future?

[groans] Now I have to pee.

[muffled music playing]

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Are you... Are you ready to go?

Yeah, just... Just give me a minute.

Um, okay.

Patrick, I don't want what Jon and I had.

Ever. I don't want to go back there again.

[sighs] Neither do I.

Good. It's just... it's just all the lying and the feeling guilty and shitty.

Yeah. That's just so not what I want.

Good. We want the same thing.

Exactly.

And you asked me if Jon knew about all the... the little things.

Well, he didn't. And I don't want that for us.

I don't want any secrets. I want us to be better.

I want us to be completely honest.

Good. Okay.

Okay, and, uh...

I wasn't expecting to have this conversation, um, tonight. Uh...

I wasn't.

Okay, but...

But what?

I'm not saying I want an open relationship, but it's a very gray area.

Oh my god, I d't think I like the sound of your gray area.

I think we should just be realistic.

Is it realism or just an excuse to f*ck around?

Okay, calm down, okay? All I'm saying is, if something happens, it doesn't have to be the end of the world as long as we talk about it.

Okay.

So are we talking about steam room jerk-offs, or do you want to go back downstairs to the fifth floor and join the KKK butt orgy?

Yes, that's it. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Jesus Christ.

What the f*ck is this thing?

Wait a second. When Jake and Milo came by earlier, did they give you the skinny on the s*x party?

Is that why you wanted to go down there?

Can you put little Ted down, please?

He's very fragile. He's already lost an eye.

No, they didn't.

Why are you so mad?

I'm not...

It's a discussion.

I'm not mad, I'm just confused.

I guess I always assumed that we were going to be exclusive.

So it's a little bit of a shock to find out on the moving-in day that you don't even want to try and be monogamous.

Okay, monogamy, Patrick... Monogamy, why?

Why is that so important to you?

Have you ever asked yourself that? Why?

I... I don't know. I guess I've always just felt like I wanted to be devoted to someone, and feel like someone is also devoted to me.

Right, okay, well, your own mother doesn't believe in monogamy.

Oh wow, really?

So... Okay.

You know what? f*ck you very much for a lovely day.

You can just buzz me in or fob me in or whatever the f*ck when I get back.

Right now, I just want to go see my friends, if I could just find my other f*cking shoe!

Are you seriously storming out?

No, no, no. I just want to go to this mural.

I'm actually super into trans issues right now.

You're blowing this so out of proportion.

Oh, please!

You bang on about honesty. Maybe you should look in the mirror.

I just did, and I look fine.

My hair is looking a little middle-aged lesbian, but whatever.

Wasn't it you who wanted to have a little lookie-loo downstairs?

And wasn't it you who called me up in the middle of the night when I was in bed with my boyfriend to drive all the way out to the Russian River and f*ck you against a redwood?

Again, that's different. I was single.

Oh... Oh, you were single? Sorry, yes. No, you were.

You were single. But then wasn't it you who let me f*ck you, while you were still with Richie, without a condom?

You c**t.

Yeah. Look, I'm sorry.

I'm just feeling very anxious right now.

What do I hit to go to lobby?

Do I have to get a fob to go down as well?

Seriously, you're telling me there isn't a world where you might slip up?

Of course. Who the hell knows what could happen?

But the difference is I'm not looking for a hall pass to slip up.

Right, okay. Well, I'm gonna set the scene.

The scene?

The steam room at Fitness SF.

Well, I'm a member of World Gym, so whatever.

Whatever. And Zac Efron walks in...

Zac Efron?

Chris Pratt, Mark Ruffalo.

One of those guys. They walk in, they sit down next to you and they start jerking off.

Well, I don't know.

Are we talking about real Ruffalo and Pratt or just guys that look like them?

Whatever, Patrick, but they've got their dicks out, and they're nice, and they're new, and they're not like my boring old dick, and they want to play a little game of reach around.

And you're telling me... You're telling me you wouldn't join in? You'd just leave?

Yes.

That is bullshit.

Because I'm with you.

Because I would put what I have with you over some quick thrill.

But it's just a hand job. It's just your hand on someone else's pen1s.

It's not going to affect what we feel for each other or our lives together.

I know it's just a hand job, but maybe that's what's different about us.

And before you say anything about me being a prude, it's not that, okay?

I don't care what other people do.

I only care about what you do and what I do.

Oh, Jesus Christ, where are we?

This building is a f*cking torture chamber.

Just calm down. Listen, all I can hear right now is that you want to f*ck other people.

And the reason you want to do that is because I'm not enough.

And I wish I was a more secure...

You are enough!

It's nothing to do with that.

Listen, I know what you're saying.

Ask me again in 10 years. Maybe I'll feel differently.

But all I know is, right now, I can, and I want, to make the choice to not f*ck other people, and you can't or won't, or don't even want to try.

So where does that put us?

And the thing is, now, the f*cking cat is out of the bag.

So every time you go to the gym, or get a massage, or go get a f*cking bagel, I'm gonna wonder what you're doing, okay?

And you're such a good liar, Kevin. I've seen you do it.

Well, I'm not lying now.

I am telling the truth. Yes, I know, Patrick, these things are hard to talk about.

But... what the f*ck this fight about?

What do you mean? What is this fight about?

Is this a fight to break us up or to keep us together?

What? Do you actually want to be with me?

'Cause it feels like you're looking for an escape.

I mean, literally above your head, there's a sign that says "exit."

[sighs] Please, what are you doing?

Don't sabotage this before we've even had a chance.

I've upturned my life for you.

I want us to be together, if it's possible, until we're two old miserable c**ts sat on a porch.

But if you don't want that, Patrick, if you don't want that, then you should just go, please.

And go right now.

[Doris sighs]

Oop.

So we're going on a walk?

Mm-hmm.

Is this going to be like "The Godfather" or something?

You have a wreath.

Oh, sh1t. I do. Weird.

How the f*ck did that happen?

I have reindeer too.

And he watches football, right?

Not just the Niners, but, like, other teams.

Wow.

Which is so weird.

Apparently you can, you know, put a Cher wig on a guy and... they still *** straight.

And he rock that wig better than I rocked mine.

I know. It was confusing.

[grunts]

[siren wailing]

Cool.

Dor, I hate this. [laughs]

You think I don't?

I was such a f*cking asshole.

Yeah, you were. You totally were.

But I should have never pulled the "fag hag" card. You know that?

And that's... Oh my god, that has been playing over and over again in my head for these past few weeks.

I don't want to ignore the other things you said.

No, good. I don't think you should 'cause I was f*cking right.

I mean, you know, some of that stuff should stick definitely.

Yeah.

But I also feel like that we've been really f*cked up, and we need to own that sh1t.

You know?

Exactly.

And I want to get through this now.

Okay, can we? Because I cannot do this.

I can't handle it. I really can't.

Yeah.

This has been like going through the worst f*cking break-up that I've ever been through.

I know, me too.

But we do kind of need to break up, Dor.

We do.

You did the most generous thing that anyone's ever done for me and...

But I really need to try this on my own, however I can.

I still want to help you.

So if I fall on my ass, then, come get hammered with me.

And if it works out, then you have to be the first person at that window on opening day.

But you need to start thinking about someone else first instead of me.

He's a great f*cking guy.

And I really liked seeing you come out of his door with a big wreath on it.

I kind of did too. [laughs]

Those reindeer, though, were too much. Right, doesn't it-

Overkill.

Yeah, totally.

Not my idea.

[siren wailing]

[siren continues]

All I can think about is that bed downstairs.

Then let's go to bed.

No, when it's made, it's f*cking perfect, but underneath, there are two very different sides with very different sleep numbers.

Patrick, please don't say you're comparing what we have to a mattress.

I dot mean just because of the stuff we talked about tonight.

I'm talking about fundamentals here. Essentials.

I can't believe this is happening.

That this is all because of a Grindr profile.

Swear to God, I want to throw my phone off this f*cking roof.

[groans] God, I wish it was just that.

Kevin, I just... [sighs]

I don't know, I feel like maybe your heart works one way and mine works the other.

No, I don't believe that. I don't believe that.

Is that what make you really f*cking sad and frustrated, is that deep down, I've always known that and I've just ignored it, because...

I just wanted this so much. I wanted to be in love, and be in a relationship, and prove to myself, and my friends, and my family, and, f*ck, to prove to the entire world that I was actually capable of being in one.

Patrick, this can work. It is working.

Yeah, but I have to keep adjusting my sleep numbers, each and every night, just a tiny bit, until one day I feel like I'd wake up and think, "f*ck", "I haven't slept well in years."

Well, then I will adjust. That is what you do in relationships.

That is what the bed is designed for.

Though we need to stop using that as a metaphor.

Agreed.

Patrick, look at me, please.

Look at me. [sighs]

This can't end tonight.

You have to give it time. Now that I know how you feel, I can make the choice to change. Okay? Look.

You just... [sighs]

You just have to trust me.

Look at me.

You just need to trust me.

[car alarm blaring]

[door bells jingle]

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for letting me come by.

So what's up?

[sighs]

Do you mind if I sit down, actually?

Of course.

And if it's okay with you, I'd rather not talk about anything.

I'm totally talked out.

No, that's... that's fine.

You know what I would like, though?

What's that?

To stop looking like a middle-aged lesbian.

[laughs] Pato.

Will you cut my hair?

All right.

Actually, you know what? Just buzz it off.

Really?

Really.

Wow.

[music playing in Spanish]

Okay.

I finally get to cut your hair.

[buzzing]

You ready?

I'm ready.

♪ I am a simple man ♪
♪ So I sing a simple song ♪
♪ Never been so much in love ♪
♪ And never hurt so bad ♪
♪ At the same time ♪
♪ I am a simple man ♪
♪ And I play a simple tune ♪
♪ I wish that I could see you once again ♪
♪ Across the room ♪
♪ Like the first time ♪
♪ I just want to hold you, I don't want to hold you down ♪
♪ I hear wh you're saying ♪
♪ And you're spinning my head around ♪
♪ And I can't make it alone ♪
♪ The ending of the tale ♪
♪ Is the singing of the song ♪
♪ Make me proud to be your man ♪
♪ Only you can make me strong ♪
♪ Like the last time ♪
♪ I just want to hold you ♪
♪ I don't want to hold you down ♪
♪ I hear what you're saying ♪
♪ And you're spinning my head around ♪
♪ And I can't make it alone ♪