05x01 - The Party Line

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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05x01 - The Party Line

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was sh**ting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

- Chief! Welcome home.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Nice vacation?
- Wonderful.

Tell me, how's my favorite
person in all the world?

Oh, chief, I don't
know what to say.

- Well, just tell me how he is.
- He?

Mr. Clampett.

Oh, fine, fine, fine.

Granny and Jethro are on
a little visit back to the hills.

- What?
- It's all right.

Mr. Clampett is still here.

And his money?

Still here.

- Elly May's still here too.
- Good, good.

She's doing the cooking.

- Elly is cooking?
- Yes.

- Well, quick, we gotta get up there.
- Why?

Mr. Clampett might eat some.

There you go. Sit down,
Paw. Everything's ready.

- I've been a-cooking all morning.
- You have, huh?

Yes, sir.

Whomped up a big batch of pork
chops and homemade biscuits and gravy.

Well...

Let's see, now.

That's a pretty fair-looking,
done-to-a-turn pork chop.

That's a biscuit.

Oh.

This is the pork chops in
this dish with the cover on it.

How many would you like?

Well, I believe I'll start out
with a couple of these biscuits.

- You didn't set a place for yourself.
- Well, it's a funny thing, Paw.

Being in the kitchen so much
just kind of took my appetite.

When I cook it, I don't
care too much to eat it.

I know what you mean.

Well, would you like some
gravy on your biscuits?

I sure would, and this is
exactly the way I like my gravy,

thick and brown.

Well, that's coffee.

- Coffee?
- Yes, sir.

I cooked it in the pan 'cause
the coffee pot got clogged up

with what I made for breakfast.

- Set up on you again, huh?
- Yes, sir.

Elly, you know, a girl as pretty as
you oughtn't to waste your time cooking.

I don't mind, Paw, now
that I'm getting good at it.

Well, I'll fetch you some gravy.

Fine, fine.

- Would you like it on your biscuits?
- All right.

That kind of set up
on you too, didn't it?

I know how you
like your gravy thick.

Paw, you sure put that away.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I did.
Yeah, that was some meal.

I'll fetch your dessert.

Well, now, Elly, I
ain't really very hungry.

It's got chocolate sauce on it.

- Chocolate sauce, huh?
- Yeah, and I know how you like that.

I do for a fact.
Well, fetch it up.

Well, doggies.

You go in the front way. I'll dash
around back. I hope we're not too late.

Chief, you're
overdramatising the situation.

Elly's cooking isn't that bad.

Why, I remember a meatloaf
she cooked once. It was...

I hope we're not too late.

By doggy, that's
mighty tasty dessert.

I guess you wasn't just funning when you
said what you did about chocolate sauce.

What'd I say?

Well, you always said you could eat
sawdust if it had chocolate sauce on it.

Elly May, you didn't feed me
chocolate-covered sawdust, did you?

- Course not, Paw.
- Good.

That was last night's meatloaf.

Meatloaf?

Remember? You said it was so
good, you was gonna save it for dessert.

Mr. Clampett, am I too late?

- I'm afraid so.
- No, you ain't, Miss Jane.

There's a whole dish
of pork chops here...

Elly May, we got company.

Why don't you run up and
put on a nice pretty dress?

Yes, sir, Paw.

- Mr. Clampett, are you all right?
- Sure, I'm fine, thanks.

Glad to see you
back, Mr. Drysdale.

I just heard about Elly cooking.

Miss Hathaway should have
told you to take your meals out.

Well, I have been taking
'em out and burying 'em.

What have you been living on?

Granny left enough victuals
for a couple of weeks,

but since that ran out, it's
been mostly roots and berries.

And there is a squirrel I'm
right beholden to for nuts.

Well, that's terrible.

That's all right. I'll
make it up to him.

No, starting right now,
you're eating at my house.

Well, that's awful nice of you, but I
wouldn't wanna hurt Elly's feelings.

She's trying her best.

Besides, I look for Granny
and Jethro back any time now.

Did you arrange
their transportation?

No. Mr. Clampett said it
had been taken care of.

They're traveling
first class, of course?

- Oh, sure. They took the truck.
- The truck?

- They should be flying.
- They probably are.

You can't go too
fast for Granny.

Come on, Jethro. We's
getting close to home.

Faster! Faster!

Come on, boy. We's purt
near to the top of the hill.

Pour it on!

Granny, if I give out, this
thing'll roll back on me.

No, it won't. I've
got the brake on.

Well, let it off! Let it off!

Should I take it
out of gear too?

Yeah! Yeah!

Hold it, Granny! Put
the brake on, Granny!

It's kind of you to fret over me,
but I'll hold out till Granny and...

Put on the brake, Granny!

By doggies, I believe
that's them now.

I'm tired of your
backseat driving.

Truck sure is running quiet.

They's here all right.

Welcome home. We's glad
to... Where's your granny?

Right here, where I got throwed

when that loud-mouth
smashed into Miss Jane's car.

- Granny!
- Are you all right?

- Why didn't you put on your brake?
- I couldn't reach 'em.

I was running alongside
hanging onto the steering wheel.

- Boy, that ain't no way to drive.
- But, Uncle Jed, I was...

You might have hurt your granny
pitching her 10, 12 feet like that.

- But, Uncle Jed...
- And look at your shoes.

You done wore 'em clean
down to your pink socks.

What pink socks? Them's my feet.

Calls himself a driver.

The minute he takes the wheel,
wham, he smashed into something.

Now, Granny, the boy
has learned his lesson.

From now on he's gonna drive
setting in the seat like other folks.

But, Uncle Jed, I wasn't
driving. I was pushing.

- Pushing?
- Yes'm, Miss Jane.

Been pushing ever since the
truck give out on us at the city limits.

Los Angeles or Beverly Hills?

- San Bernadino.
- San Bernadino?

Why, that's 50 miles.

Yeah, thank goodness
it was all freeway.

That's it. Now, set it
right down there, boys.

Thank you.

Where's Jethro?

He's gonna finish
unloading the truck, Granny.

Fine, fine.

Now, gather round.

There's presents for everybody.

Now, the first is for Elly May.

Oh, thank you, Granny.

It's from your Aunt Pearl.

It's a party dress.

Pearl sewed it all
by hand, every stitch.

- Pearl's a modiste.
- Let's see it, Elly.

Oh, it's beautiful!

It is for a fact, Elly.

That's a Pearl Bodine original.

You won't never see another
dress like that no place.

I believe you.

It's absolutely fabulous.

- Run upstairs and try it on.
- Oh, yes, sir, Paw.

- Pretty, ain't it?
- Oh, it's absolutely fabulous.

That Pearl is a genius.

I'm glad to hear you
say that, Miss Jane,

'cause Pearl sent
you something too.

- A dress?
- No.

But it's a Pearl
Bodine original.

It's a hat.

And here it is.

Ain't that a world beater?

Pearl kept it simple so you
could wear it to the bank.

And she will, she will.

I... I... just... I don't
know what to say.

- Try it on, Miss Jane.
- Yeah, let's see what it does for you.

- Oh, well, my hair's a mess...
- Come on, give us a treat.

Rides a little low,
don't you think, Granny?

Well, Pearl didn't
know her size.

But she can pad it
out with tissue paper.

Well, it is lovely. I'll write
Pearl a note and thank her.

You know, Mr. Drysdale, Pearl
has never made nothing for men.

Oh, what a shame.

Until now.

She has took up making
hand-painted neckties.

One for you, Mr. Drysdale.

And one for you, Jed.

Ooh, doggies. Did
Pearl paint this?

She sure did. Free hand.
No tracing or nothing.

And you don't have to worry
about getting caught in the rain.

That it is genuine
outdoor barn paint.

It's really... It's... Well,
she shouldn't have done it.

Well, Pearl has a
favor to ask of you.

She has?

Well, you see, she's right anxious
to know how city folks takes to these,

and she'd like it a heap if
you'd wear yours to the bank.

Oh, he will, he will.

Will you?

Granny, you're
embarrassing Mr. Drysdale

asking him a question like that.

He's our friend and our
neighbor. You know he'll do it.

Sure, of course. Well, Miss
Hathaway, we'd better be going.

Oh, just a minute. I got
another present I brung you.

I picked it out myself.

It's for your office.

Souvenir of...

Snider's Swamp?

That's the big health resort
back in our neck of the woods.

Folks come from miles
around to take the cure.

Cure for what?

You know, Jed?

No. But it must work.
Nobody ever comes back.

Well, thanks again
for these lovely gifts.

Oh, yes indeed.

Glad you like 'em.

Don't you wanna see what
else I brung from home?

Another time, Granny.

Would you leave the
door open, Miss Jane?

I gotta ask Granny where
she wants her sorghum.

Is that thing full of sorghum?

- Yes, it's 60 gallons.
- It must weigh a ton.

Oh, no, ma'am, only six
or seven hundred pounds,

but it's kind of clumsy.

And I'm pooped from
pushing that truck.

There it is, Jed. A telephone.

Granny, we got telephones
all over the house.

Not like this 'un, you ain't.

Lookee here.

Granny, where do you
want your sorghum?

Solid oak.

Not only is it built better,

but with these new phones,
you don't have to dial.

All you do is turn the crank...

lift up the receiver and say,

"Hello, Central.
Get me so-and-so."

Granny...

Jed, I never knowed anything
could be so much enjoyment.

Why, back to Pearl's I used to spend
10 to 12 hours a day on this thing.

That's a heap of talking.

I was listening. It's
what you call a party line.

Jethro, what are you doing?

Get up there, boy.

Yeah, that's my sorghum
barrel you're playing with.

If that thing was to bust
open, we'd have a awful mess.

If you wanna do something,
connect up my new telephone.

- Can Jethro do that?
- He took it down at Pearl's.

How do y'all like
my party dress?

Howee, ain't you pretty?

What Pearl can do with a needle
and thread just ain't to be believed.

We gotta have a party
so Elly can wear it.

Quick as I get my new
telephone connected,

I'll invite everybody
on the line.

Hear that, boy? Hurry up and...

I thought I told you
to get up from there.

Come on, on your feet.

Lookee that. He's done wore hisself
out playing with that heavy barrel.

You'd think he'd be tuckered out

after pushing the truck
50 miles on the freeway.

Well, we stayed pretty
much in the slow lane.

- He's up, Granny.
- All right, no more playing.

Take that barrel around back
and connect up my telephone.

Oh, Granny, I'm plumb spent.

I can't move a muscle
till I have some victuals.

Well, come on, Jethro.
I'll make you a meatloaf.

Never mind, Elly. I just
got my second wind.

Well, I see Jethro's got
your party line telephone up.

It's been up for a half hour.
I ain't getting nothing on it.

Let me see.

- How come he put it so low?
- I said to.

Told him to put it
rocking-chair high.

I don't hear a thing.

Sure he knowed
how to connect it up?

He claimed he did.

Said he'd been watching
them telephone fellas,

the ones that climb the poles.

Maybe I can find him
if I follow these wires.

- Jethro?
- Yes, sir.

Granny's waiting for you
to hook up her telephone.

Yes, sir, I know.

Reckon you can climb a
pole with all them tools on you?

Yes, sir. You see them telephone
fellas got great big old spikes

strapped to their boots.

- You got some?
- Yes, sir.

Then what are you
doing standing there?

Trying to pull 'em
out of the ground.

Hit a soft spot.
Sunk in to the handle.

Is them my good potato forks?

Yes, sir.

Hold still. I'll cut you loose.

Thank you.

How long you been stuck here?

Quite a spell. It got to where
the birds was lighting on me.

Why didn't you
call me to help you?

I was afraid you might
think I was kind of dumb.

Now, why would I
think a thing like that?

I guess you're right.

Well, tell Granny I'll have
her hooked up in no time.

- Who are you talking to, Granny?
- Ain't talking to nobody.

- Well, who you listening to?
- Ain't listening to nobody neither.


Jethro still ain't got
me connected up yet.

- Run outside, see if...
- Good news, Granny.

Jethro's up the pole
and he says that...

- You ain't cooking, are you, Elly?
- I'm fixing to, Paw.

I figured I ought to bake
up a cake for the party.

Well, instead of that,
why don't you run out

to where Jethro's
sitting on top of that pole?

What for?

Well, I don't want no
terrible accident to happen.

Don't you worry, Paw. I
won't let him fall off that pole.

That ain't the
accident I had in mind.

When am I gonna
commence hearing something?

Any minute, Granny.

You know, there's a heap of wires up
on that pole for Jethro to choose from.

- How you coming, boy?
- Fine, Uncle Jed.

Granny's gonna
have plenty to listen to.

These old telephone wires is
humming like a swarm of bees.

Granny, I don't know what you
heard, but it must have been a earful.

Granny?

Eh?

- Excuse me, chief.
- Just a minute.

Now, look, Margaret, I don't care
how long the electricity has been off.

I can't fix it. Call
the power and light.

My wife says the
whole neighborhood is...

Get that nightmare
off your head.

- The Clampetts are on their way up.
- What? Oh! Oh, my tie.

- Oh. Put mine on.
- Yes.

There.

Can we come in?

Well, look who's here.

We were just admiring
our beautiful gifts.

Well, we're glad you like 'em.

Oh, love them. Now,
what can we do for you?

Well, it seems that Granny
here come back from the hills

with a powerful hankering to
have herself a party line telephone.

- A what?
- A party line telephone.

A party line telephone?

Jed, ask 'em about
the party line telephone.

- I just did, Granny.
- Eh?

- I say I just did.
- Did what?

Ask 'em about the
party line telephone.

Well, if you won't do
it, I guess I'll have to.

I'd like to have a
party line telephone.

Has something gone
wrong with Granny's hearing?

Yes, ma'am.

You see, Pearl give
Granny her telephone,

but Jethro must have hooked it up
wrong 'cause it blowed up in Granny's ear.

Jed, tell 'em what happened
to Pearl's telephone.

- I just did.
- Eh?

- I say I just did.
- Did what?

Tell 'em what happened
to Pearl's telephone.

You see, Pearl give
me her telephone,

but Jethro must have connected
it up wrong because every time...

Granny.

- I told 'em.
- Eh?

Mr. Clampett explained to us

what happened with
Pearl's telephone.

That's it. That's what I
want. Can you get me one?

- It'd sure pleasure her a heap.
- Well, I'll do my best.

What'd you say?

He said he'd do his best.

Eh?

His best.

Yeah. Looks real
nice with Pearl's tie.

But what about the telephone?

Yes, he'll do it. OK?

- I'll do my...
- Good.

Thank you, Mr. Drysdale.

And I'd like about 10
or 12 parties on the line.

And see if you can
get me Pearl's old ring,

three shorts and a long.

Thanks again.

Chief, this is Beverly
Hills. You'll never...

Oh, connect me with the
telephone business office, please.

This is the home of private
phones and unlisted numbers.

You'll never get the
Clampetts a party line.

Don't worry. The right thr*at
can accomplish miracles.

You're going to thr*aten
the telephone company?

No, I'm going to thr*aten you.

Get them a party
line or you're fired.

Hello?

That's a nice little walk
down to the bank and back.

We ought to do more
of that, don't you think?

You know, Jed, that's a nice little
walk down to the bank and back.

I think the exercise
helped my hearing.

- Yeah?
- Eh?

I should have known
better than to depend on you.

- But, chief...
- What am I gonna tell the Clampetts?

They'll wanna know why...

There they are. There they are.

- Your hat. Where's your hat?
- Oh, it's in there.

Come in. Come in.

I was just admiring
this beautiful pillow.

Can't wait to get
to Snider's Swamp.

Well, I won't hold you up long.

Who are you?

I'm Mr. Cramer with
the telephone company.

The business office says
you requested a party line.

Well, not for me.

It's for this
eccentric little lady.

Oh.

I understand you
want a party line.

No, no, no, she's
not the one either.

I'm talking about a
real oddball character.

I see.

But, in any event, I
have come to explain

that the telephone company
is unable to grant your request.

Baloney.

- I beg your pardon?
- It's no longer a request.

- It's a demand.
- Demand?

Yes, my bank does a lot of
business with the telephone company.

Now, either you give
the Clampetts a party line

or you're gonna
lose a good customer.

Now, drop that in your coin box
and see what number you get.

Now, y'all wait right here
while I go fetch Mr. Drysdale.

And, Granny, I'd be much obliged
if you'd stop your bellyaching.

Seems to me we got a whole
heap to be grateful for tonight.

Name me something.

Well, Mr. Drysdale's
taking us all out to supper.

Yeah, we won't have
to eat Elly's cooking.

Now, young 'uns.

And Jethro's got the
truck running again.

- You got your hearing back.
- What good is it?

I ain't got no party
line to listen to.

Granny, don't you be
throwing that up to Mr. Drysdale.

He done his best. He
went right to the wall for you.

Don't you mean-mouth
him no more.

Mr. Drysdale, he
don't know nothing.

Mr. Drysdale, we's
ready to go to supper.

Oh, good, good. I'll have Miss
Hathaway check our reservations.

Well, I didn't see
her in her office.

Well, she's filling in
on the switchboard.

Oh. Well, we sure
do wanna thank you

for the scrap you put up
over Granny's party line.

My pleasure.

I showed the telephone company
they can't push Milburn Drysdale around.

Hello? Miss Hathaway?

- Chief?
- Hello, Miss Hathaway.

- Yes, chief?
- Hello, Miss Hathaway.

- Hello, chief?
- Miss Hathaway.

Oh, there you are,
chief. Yes, what is it?

- Check my dinner reservation.
- Yes, sir. Hold the hose, please.

Great little system.
Saves a bundle.

The only thing we haven't
licked is long distance.

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?
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