07x24 - A House Divided

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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07x24 - A House Divided

Post by bunniefuu »

All right, boys, all done. Here.

Now it's time to slide your little
tushies off. Ready? Go, buddy.

- Watch me, Daddy.
JESSE: Okay, play.

Yay!

Excellent job. High-five,
brother. All right.

Watch me, Daddy.

Okay, excellent job.
High-five, brother. Brother?

All right.

Hey, Jess...

how come the outdoor play set
isn't, oh, I don't know, outdoors?

Don't ask me, ask Danny. He
banned us from the backyard.

Oh, that's right. He's
reseeding the grass.

Honey, please...

could you not use the word
"recede" around you know who?

Jess, it's gonna take three
weeks for the grass to grow in.

I know, but I promised
I'd build this for them.

When I make a promise to
my children, I don't break it.

God knows I tried, though.

They begged, they
pleaded, they gave me the lip:

This is great. This is gonna be like
living in a playground for three weeks.

Well, don't blame
me, blame Danny.

In fact, that's an excellent idea.
Excuse me, I'm gonna go blame Danny.

- Jess, you can't blame Danny.
- What? Why not?

- You can't leave. JESSE: Why?

Danny's waxing
the hallway floor.

We're gonna be stuck
in here for about an hour.

Oh, great. I'm a
prisoner in my own attic.

Daddy, you slide.

Well, son, Daddy's not
really in the mood to slide.

There it is, there it is, the lip
again. I'm a sucker for the lip.

All right, I'll give you
guys a ride on the slide.

You go with me. Hang
on, brother, all right.

Here we go. Ready, set, go.

Joey, you've been in
there almost an hour.

Almost an hour.

I reserved the bathroom
for exactly an hour.

Oh, Joey, come on,
I have a date tonight.

Hey, I followed all the rules,
I filled out all the forms...

I even sent out a memo.

[JOEY SINGING IN OPERATIC VOICE]

D.J.: Joey, come on!

Joey!

Hey, did you know that Joey
reserved the bathroom for a whole hour?

Gotta read those memos.

[PLAYING HARMONICA]

Oh, no, harmonica girl lives.

Michelle, give me a
break. It's been three days.

I have to practice
"Down in the Valley."

Why don't you practice
down in the basement?

I have to study.

In case you're wondering
why my name is on the wall...

it's because it's my room too.

Come on.

Dad, you gotta help me,
Joey's never coming out.

D.J., he can't stay in there
forever. He's gotta eat sometime.

Thanks, dude.

Joey!

Joey, when you're finished, there better
not be a pepperoni ring around the tub.

Give it back, harmonica stealer.

No way, music m*rder*r.

- No!
- Dad, help me!

You guys, stop fighting. Dad does
not wanna hear your petty problems.

Dad, I'm not gonna have enough time to
dry my hair. Joey's been in there forever.

Guys! Hey! Hey! I can only
handle one problem at a time, okay?

Now, cover me, I'm
going in. Get back.

Oh, this is a pretty picture.

I love Italian food in the bathroom
as much as the next guy...

but haven't you been
in here long enough?

Danny, I share a
bathroom with three girls.

There's always someone in here
blow-drying, moisturizing, tweezing.

All I'm asking for is an hour of peace
and quiet where I can gather my thoughts.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Every man deserves a
chance just to sit back...

and reflect on the
deeper meanings of life.

Thank you, Danny. All
right, tub hockey, here we go.

Sharks versus the Ducks.

[IMITATES TRUMPET]

Charge!

Danny, it's time you
show a little consideration...

for other people
that live in this house.

Why don't we start with knocking on the
bathroom door when a guy's in the tub?

Just eat your pizza, bubble boy.

I gotta talk to you
about a few things.

First, you close the backyard,
you don't consult me, okay?

You wax the floor, again,
you don't consult me.

You rearrange the cupboard,
defrost the refrigerator...

you Scotchgard my high school
yearbook, again, you don't consult me.

- Do you see a pattern going on here?
- Yes. You complain a lot.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That better not
be the falafel guy.

- Dad.
- Dad.

- Dad.
- Dad... I mean, Danny.

[ALL CHATTERING]

I had to set up a play set
for my kids in my own room.

Would everybody please chill?
There's somebody at the door.

There's nobody at the door.

D.J.: This is ridiculous.

Okay. Hold it, hold it.

After dinner tonight, we'll
have a family meeting...

and everybody can put their
complaints in and lodge them formally.

Good, because let me tell you a little
something, I'm gonna lodge a large one.

Well, I'm squeaky clean.

[MAKES SQUEAKING NOISE]

- Bathroom's free.
MICHELLE: I gotta go.

STEPHANIE: Me first.
MICHELLE: No, me.

My garlic bread.

Oh, this house
has really changed.

You're not kidding, it never
had a strange man in it before.

Forgive me. The name
is Bond. Lou Bond.

Your daughter let me in.

My daughters are all upstairs, and
they're gonna hear me if I scream.

Hey, stretch.

Your downstairs daughter.

You're running low
on the moo juice, Pops.

I'm running low
on patience, Gibs.

Ew, this stuff's gone chunky.

And it's yours as a lovely parting
gift. Kimmy Gibbler, go on home.

Wait a minute.

Lou Bond?

Of the Bond Foundation?

Bond Plaza? The
Bond Trade Towers?

The Bond Trade
Towers was my father.

And this was our house
before Daddy hit it big.

I lived here the first
12 years of my life.

Lots of marvelous memories.

Really?

Maybe you could explain
to me about the scuff mark...

that was on the landing
when we moved in.

- Okay, why don't I show you around?
- All right.

DANNY: Right this way, please.

If he wants to have a family
meeting, I will make a list of complaints.

My first complaint:

I hate family meetings.

Jess, give it a rest, huh?

Hey, the boys are napping,
and you know what that means?

- Oh, yeah.
- We get to use the slide.

- No, honey, I wanna go first.
- I'm going first.

No, no, let me go
first. Honey, no.

- You get back here right now.
- The ears! Ow, ow, ow.

[JESSE WHIMPERING]

Guys, I hope we're not
interrupting anything weird.

No problem.

Jesse, Rebecca,
this is Lou. Bond Lou.

I screwed that up, didn't I?

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Mr. Bond actually
grew up in this house.

- Really? LOU: Oh,
look, they're still there.

The initials I
carved in the beam.

B.L.B.

Mr. Tanner, I'd like to talk
to you about something.

What do you say to
cigars on the back porch?

I'd say, "Hello, cigars, it's a lovely
evening we're having, isn't it?"

A little cigar humor.
Kind of a joke.

Good one.

No, no, no.

Okay.

I called this family meeting because we've
been getting on each other's nerves...

which is bound to happen when so
many nerves live so close together.

What I'm about to say might
actually solve everyone's problems.

We're sending Michelle
to harmonica camp?

We're sending you to
be-a-nicer-sister camp.

Girls, girls, girls. Make up. Okay,
now that that's taken care of...

on to more important matters.

All right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Lack of consideration.

On March 4th, 1989, Danny paints
the banister without telling anyone.

I slide down said banister
on the way to a job interview...

at which I am
nicknamed 'skunk pants'."

I still have the floor here.

If you're gonna have
the floor and wax it...

- tell us.
- Okay.

All right. Now, as you all
know, Mr. Bond, Lou Bond...

is a very wealthy man.

Now, he has everything he's ever wanted
in his entire life, except for one thing:

To live here, in the
house he grew up in.

Forget it. There's enough
people living here already.

He's sharing your bathroom.

No, guys, he doesn't wanna live here
with us. He wants to buy the house.

D.J.: What? BECKY: Really?

Yes, and he's offering
me twice what it's worth.

D.J.: Are you serious?
- Wow.

Yeah. Which means we could buy an
even bigger house in this neighborhood...

and then we wouldn't
drive each other so crazy.

BECKY: That's great.
Let's do that. JOEY: Great.

- I can have my own room.
- I can have my own bathroom.

I can have my own kitchen,
living room, and backyard...

Honey, it's called a house.

That's what I'm saying. We've been talking
about moving to our own house someday.

Maybe that someday is now.

Well, the boys could use
some more growing space.

I mean, they're not
getting any shorter.

I'm definitely ready to move into my
own place. After all, I'm a grown man.

Plus, I need more
shelf space for my toys.

I think this is the first family meeting
where we all actually agree on something.

Well, that's it, then. I mean,
we're out of here. We're moving.

D.J.: This is great!
I can't believe it!

I can't believe that I'm
gonna have my own bathroom.

I don't even have to
share it with Joey anymore.

Jess, look at this house
on Lynnwood Street.

It's got a big backyard,
central air, and a hot tub.

Ooh, a hot tub. I love hot tubs.

Hey, boys, how would you like
to live in a house with a hot tub?

What's a hot tub?

It's cool. It's like a... It's
like a really big bathtub.

No bath.

No way.

No, no, guys, this tub is outside,
and you don't have to use soap.

Now you tell me.

Oh, hey, Michelle, hot-tub
party. Our new house. Be there.

You got a new house already?

No, we don't have it
yet, but we're looking.

I mean, it's kind of
fun to think about.

- Yeah, I can't stop thinking about it.
- Good.

- What you got?
- Hey, Jess, look at this.

This house has
central blow-drying.

Let me see that.
Let me... Where?

Gotcha.

So my mom says if you buy a
condo from her real-estate office...

I get half the commission, plus one
of those really cool yellow jackets.

Oh, hey, look at this one,
huh? "Natural Meadows."

Yeah. I sold one
of those yesterday.

And look at all these cool activities.
Lawn bowling, shuffleboard, tetherball.

Oh, and look how
happy everyone is.

That's because they're all
naked. It's a nudist colony.

Oh, my God. I better give
Father O'Connell his check back.

Thanks. I was playing the blues.

I liked the part when
the spit sh*t out.

When I decorate my own room, I'm
gonna put my bed by my window...

my dresser by my door,
and Michelle down the hall.

Ha-ha-ha.

Michelle, you're gonna
have you're own room again.


If Steph comes in,
you can throw her out.

Can I practice now?

Later. Dad said we have to clean up because
Mr. Bond's coming over for an inspection.

What's he inspecting for?

To check everything out and make sure
it's perfect, or he won't buy the house.

Make sure the foundation is
straight, there are no leaks...

and especially that
there's no infestation.

What's infestation?

You know, vermin.

Disgusting stuff like termites,
rats, silverfish, roaches.

BOTH: Eww.
- Eww.

- Exactly.
- But don't worry.

Dad's devoted his life to
keeping vermin out of the house.

Except Kimmy.

I don't wanna move. I
like that we all live together.

Then you better
flunk that inspection.

How do we do that?

We're your friends.
We'll help you.

We need a plan. Let's
put our heads together.

Ow!

Hello, I'd like to
order some vermin.

Eww.

Thanks anyways, bye.

What did he say?

They don't sell them,
they only k*ll them.

We need another plan.

Okay. But keep
away from my head.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hello again, Mr. Tanner.
- Mr. Bond. Come on in.

My home is your home,
but not until the check clears.

Just feel free to laugh anytime.

Michelle, why didn't you go
to dinner with everybody else?

I wanted to stay
for the inspection.

Sweetheart, it's
gonna be kind of boring.

Maybe not.

Why don't we start with
the living room here?

Dad, did you mention
the leaky roof?

What are you talking about, honey?
The roof is in perfect condition.

You'll have to
excuse my daughter.

That's very odd. I just felt
some water on my head.

Told you, leaky roof.

Michelle, we do not have a leaky
roof. In fact, it's not even raining.

That's not even the roof.

Tell that to the guy
with the wet head.

This would be my
daughter D.J.'s room.

I hope everything's
okay in there.

Whoa.

Michelle, what happened here?

Everything's slanted. It
must be the foundation. See?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

I wouldn't wanna buy
a house this crooked.

Something's crooked here,
and it's not the foundation.

Why, Father,
whatever do you mean?

You guys better get over
here. You got a big infestation.

I can't wait.

Mr. Bond, I assure
you, there is not now...

nor has there ever been a
bug or a rodent in this house.

Oh, it's worse than that.

[DOGS PANTING]

You've got a bad case of dogs.

Michelle, what are all those
dogs doing in your room?

A lot of:

[PANTING]

We're home.

Yeah, we brought
you a doggy bag.

[BARKING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Huh.

It must be Comet's poker night.

Wait up, dogs.

We should have gone
with the dead vermin.

What's going on around here?

Michelle, we need to talk.

And expect the phrase
"grounded for life" to come up a lot.

Mr. Bond, I am so sorry.

Michelle, if you were
so upset about moving,

why didn't you come
and talk to us about it?

You were all going crazy.

Everybody was talking about hot
tubs and telephones in the bathroom...

nobody cared that we're not
gonna be living together anymore.

Sweetheart, we care.

We were trying to make
things a little better around here.

It already is better.

It's the best house
I ever lived in.

Michelle, it's the only
house you've ever lived in.

It's a great house.

Everything happened here.
Don't you guys remember?

Yeah, sure we remember,
Michelle. We all love this house.

Well, if you love this house,
then why are we moving?

Aren't you gonna miss us?

There it is, the lip. The lip...
That's where Nicky and Alex get it.

Well, that was a
Hallmark moment.

But now back to business. Mr. Tanner,
what check would you prefer?

I have giants of American
industry or kittens in a cookie jar.

Hold on, sir.

You know what? Michelle's right.

This house is more than
just walls and a ceiling.

It's our lives.

Yeah, I remember when we
first moved in here with Mom.

Man, this place was so big.

It was like a castle.

I remember when I couldn't
even reach that counter.

Joey had to lift me up
to get to the cookie jar.

Well, I wasn't gonna leave my
fingerprints on the lid, that's for sure.

When I moved in, I thought
I'd be here for a few months...

to help you raise the
girls and everything.

I mean, I had no idea I'd be
living here for seven years...

getting married in this house,
raising my own kids here.

The best move I ever made.

Thanks for reminding
me, Michelle.

No problem.

Well, Jess, I guess that
hot tub will have to wait.

We don't have a lot of room
here, but we have a lot of love...

a lot of laughs, and
a lot of babysitters.

Yeah.

You heard him, Mr. Bond,
we're not selling our house.

Are we, Dad?

Are we, Dad?

Danny?

No. Guys, don't worry.
We're not moving.

Mr. Bond, I think what everybody
here is trying to tell you is:

There is no amount of money
that would break up this family.

[LAUGHING]

Now, that's funny.

You're actually serious?

Hey, you guys gotta help me out. My
mom and I are having this big argument.

Okay, now, which stinks
more, my sneakers or my clogs?

[ALL GROANING]

You again. Who are you?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
The next-door neighbor.

Sometimes things
work out for the best.

The sneakers.

Kimmy, guess
what. We're staying.

- All right.
- But your shoes are leaving.

[DOGS WHIMPERING]

Well, that cleared the yard.

Comet, you live here.

We all live here.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
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