01x01 - Episode One

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

[Gunshot]

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

What are you doing?

Bev, what are you doing?

Stop. No.

Please. No!

I'm going home. You stay.

You're obviously flourishing here.

Is this because I went surfing today?

OK, obviously it's not because I went surfing.

Bev, come on, talk to me.

Bev. Bev!

Look, I realize L.A. hasn't exactly been your favorite...

This isn't about L.A.

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar.

Wait. Is it about the show?

It's one more day of shooting, a week in post.

Move.

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar.

One week. Then the work will be done, and we can both leave together, with our heads held high.

Heads held high?

Have you not seen our heads?

It's all we can do to not kick them when we walk.

All right, look, we've made some compromises...

This isn't about the f*cking show.

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar.

Well, then what is it about?

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar.

Does this bitch ever shut up?!

You know what this is about.

What?

Morning? Oh, my God! Look, I'm telling you, I have no interest in her at all.

I saw you w*nk*ng to her the other night.

What? I... No, I... How did...

How did? Who did? I... I...

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar...

[Machinery droning] All right!

There may have been a little w*nk*ng!

But there is nothing between us.

I just saw you with her.

What?!

I saw you with her just now!

I saw you hugging her in front of our house!

She wasn't here! She...

There was... She wasn't...

Ernesto!

Ernesto!

What?

Please turn that off!

[Turns off]

I'm sorry. Did you want me?

I want you to turn off the leaf blower.

I did. Yeah.

Now. But before...

Hey, Bev!

No! No! Wait!

Bev, stop!

You're on the wrong side!

No, Sean... you're on the wrong side!

That's not what I meant!

[Dialing]

Computerized Voice: Automated dialing.

Call Bob.

Command.

Call Bob.

Dialing Mom.

No, not Mom. Bob.

[Dialing]

Cancel.

[Ringing]

Cancel.

Stop!

Woman: Hello?

Hey, Ma. It's Matt.

Nothing. Just calling to say hi.

[Tires screeching]

Man: And the BAFTA Award goes to...

Sean and Beverly Lincoln for Lyman's Boys!

[Applause]

Man: There you are!

Oh, you bloody bastards. You've done it again.

[Laughs] And again!

Stop doing it!

We're so sorry.

We promise, never again.

Yeah, you fuckers. That's what you said last year.

[Chuckles] No, no. Honestly, I'm... I'm, you know, really pleased for you.

Beverly: That's sweet. Thank you.

Oh, he's so not pleased.

[Laughs] No, he's not.

Well, I'm happy for us.

I'm just...happy.

[Laughs]

How soon can we leave?

Don't know.

Have we made enough people feel bad about themselves?

[Laughs] Oh, my God.

What? Who's that?

That's Merc Lapidus.

Who?

Merc Lapidus.

Repeating it doesn't help me.

From America. He's president of...

Winners! Ha ha!

Forgive me. Don't want to interrupt.

Merc Lapidus. I am the president...

Please. We know who you are.

Hi, Sean and Beverly...

Ahh!

Ha ha ha!

And you, with the funny speech.

Oh, that's not necess...

Oh, all right. Ha ha!

You know what my fantasy is?

I'm gonna guess. Either shoes or nuns.

[Laughs]

My fantasy is, I wake up tomorrow, and I've got your show on my network.

Well, that's very flattering.

No, no, I'm not just blowing smoke here.

I love your show.

I love it. Seriously...

I want to have s*x with your show.

[Laughs] Well.

I'm telling you... an American version would be huge.

It could be, like, The Office meets...

Our show?

Yes! Ha ha!

But... But we'd have to do it right.

No farming this one out to some shitty American writers.

I want what's in these amazing Britishy heads!

What, us, come to L.A.?

That's interesting.

Is it?

Uh-oh. She's giving you the wife look.

[Laughs] Whoa! Now she's giving me the wife look!

Oh, hello.

Have you guys tried these?

Ohh. What are these little berries?

They're genius! They're, like... magic berries.

They're actually loganberries.

[British accent] Loganberries!

Now I want to have s*x with your show and these berries.

When I was a little girl, my grandmother lived in Yorkshire and had loganberries in her garden.

Every summer we'd pick the berries and she'd make jam.

f*ck.

My grandmother lives in Morristown, New Jersey, and hates black people.

So, what do you say?

Come play with us, hmm?

I need Lyman's Boys.

We've got four places on my schedule I could put it right now.

This is very flattering.

And we've all had a bit to drink.

No, not me. Not in seven years.

I'm an alcoholic.

But evidently not anonymous.

[Both chuckle]

Come on.

We'll get you a house, a car.

Name it. How hard could it be?

You've already written the scripts.

It's perfect the way it is.

You work 20 minutes a day, the rest of the time, you could screw in the pool.

Oh, you hear that? We'd get a pool.

Look, if you don't want to do it, that's fine.

Hey, maybe you don't like money.

But I had to ask.

When I had cancer...

That's right.

I realized two things.

If you want something, go for it.

God doesn't wait for you.

And also... you do not want cancer.

You're already there, aren't you?

No.

Yes, you are. You're having brunch with Angelina Jolie.

My God, you're already starting to tan.

[Laughs]

Aren't you?

No.

Beverly: Thank you.

Good night.

Ooh!

Jesus.

"Come taste our berries. Your biggest fan, Merc Lapidus."

How did he do this? We left him less than an hour ago.

I can't believe he even remembered that stupid loganberry story.

I can't believe he knows where we live.

You really want to move to L.A.?

You're always taking the piss out of it.

Only because it's never wanted me.

I'm very petty that way.

But why do it? Our lives are here, our friends are here.

Who would you miss?

[Thunder]

We need better friends.

What I'm saying is, if we do this, and we're a hit... a hit show in the States... a big, stonking hit... it's like winning the lottery.

We'd never have to work again.

What would we do instead?

All right, we need friends, and we need hobbies.

I don't know.

L.A.... it's just so...

L.A.

Oh, come on, it's an adventure.

I'd have to drive!

[Laughs] There's that pioneer spirit!

You really want this?

I think I do.

Hooray!

Wait, wait, wait. I get to do the bra, too.

[Laughs]

You're still 14, aren't you?

I wish I got to do this at 14.

[She laughs]

Wait, did you weld this?

[Beverly laughing]

Now, you have to admit...

Beverly: It is fairly glorious.

Feel that sunshine!

Of course...

Don't say "skin cancer"!

Just glorious.

♪ Oh, say, can you see... ♪

No, no. Don't. Don't.

Oh, my.

Fancy!

Sean: Welcome home, darling. [Laughs]

Hello. We're the new people moving into...

1675 Bel Vista Drive.

Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

No.

No? Well, we should be there.

Were they expecting you?

No, no, there's no one expecting us.

It's a house we're renting.

Well, it's being rented for us.

Wait, there's the housekeep. She might be there.

Yeah.

One moment.

Is this right?

I have, uh...

Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

Sean and Beverly Lincoln here.

She says they're not home right now.

[Laughs] Well, of course they're not home!

Because they're us. And we're stuck here with you.

Ma'am, there's no need to raise your voice.

Oh, really? Get in the car.

I'll be you, and we'll see if that's true.

Look, um, Wallace, I'm sure once we've moved in, the three of us will have a really good laugh about this.

But, right now, we've been traveling for...

14 hours.

14 hours.

And we'd really love to get into the house.

Isn't there any way you could let us do that?

Not if you're not on the list.

How do I know who you are?

Oh! Has it not come up?

We're Sean and Beverly Lincoln!

Really not helping.

Really don't care!

I'm sure we're on the list. May I see it?

No one sees the list.

No one sees the list?

We have very high-caliber celebrities living here.

We have to protect their privacy.

Oh, for God's sake, Wallace...

I appreciate the seriousness with which you do your job.

I do. But I just want to find our names.

Now, I promise you, I won't reveal any information about your precious gated community or the secret identities of the gated citizens.

Now, give me the list.

Ooh, Renée Zellweger lives here.

Does she?

Yeah.

This is just for the two of us?

[Laughs] Apparently so.

Our show's not this good. [Laughs]

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar.

Front door ajar.

She's fun.

Front door ajar.

Bloody hell.

It's even bigger inside.

And you were afraid we weren't gonna have enough staircases.

This is mad.

Woy!

[Laughs] Look at this.

It's very Hollywood.

Yeah.

And, construction-wise, a little disturbing.

Ha!

Beverly: Oh, my God.

I am never leaving this room.

I like a bath you can dock a barge in.

[Laughs]

Big enough for two.

What, now?

I'm feeling a bit... dirty.

You?

Filthy.

Say, you want to dock that barge?

Oh, always a lady.

[Laughs]

Let's do this.

Well, maybe some other time.

Yeah.

[Phone ringing, chatter]

Oh, and don't forget to get your parking validated before you leave.

Merc really wanted to be here, but he had to be in New York.

Sean and Beverly, this is Andy Button, our head of casting.

Huge fan. Oh, my God.

I've just been watching tapes of your show.

Beyond hysterical. Beyond.

And Myra Licht, head of comedy.

It's really funny.

There you go. Sit, sit, sit.

So, are you settling in?

Some house, huh?

Sean: Ohh! It's insane.

The only thing that's missing is a moat.

Well, get a big rating, Merc will dig you a moat.

She's not kidding. [Laughs]

So, do you all your writers get houses like that?

Oh, no!

No, no, no.

We just finished shooting a reality show there, and we had six weeks left on the lease, and we needed a place for you guys.

If you get bored, you can vote each other off.

Oh, well, that would explain the columns.

Several of them are made of polystyrene.

They're probably left over from some set.

They use that house for a lot of reality shows.

They shot a season of The Bachelor there, and, I think The Apprentice L.A.

We just had 12 girls living there, competing to become a supermodel.

Right, the bathroom did have a vague vomity smell.

That would be why. Ha ha ha!

So, Lyman's Boys.

Ohh! Ha ha ha!

Let's talk about casting.

Well, we already have Julian committed to recreate the role of Lyman, so that's half the battle right there.

We love Julian!

Comic god.

He's hilarious.

We just need to find a time when he can fly over and audition for Merc.

Audition?

No one gets cast in anything without Merc seeing them first.

[Laughs] That's mad.

Merc loves the show. Julian is the show.

Why...should he have to audition?

Yeah, um... there is a chance Merc may not have actually seen your show.

What? What?

I'm not saying that he hasn't seen it.

Has he seen it?

No.

Hang on. He told us he loved it.

He said he wanted to have s*x with it.

[Laughter]

Well, if I had a nickel for everything Merc would have s*x with, sight unseen...

She'd have a lot of nickels.

I'd be rich. Ha ha ha!

Then what about it did he love?

Uh, hello? It's a hit!

It wins awards. It ran for four years.

Unbelievable.

We have all seen it, and we do love it.

Major love. Mm-hm.

Merc's never seen the show?

I can't...

I mean, that's...

Help me.

You're articulating it perfectly.

Which is why he really needs to see Julian read.

But we've already offered him the part.

He gave up a play in the West End to do this.

I hear you, I do.

And I am sure Merc will just flip over him.

I mean, my God! It's Julian...

Bullard.

Bullard.

Can't Merc just watch some tapes of the show?

It's better if we do it in person.

He's not a big TV-watcher.

And if we say no?

[Sighs]

You don't want to say no to Merc.

Mmm.

You really want him on your team.

I thought he was on our team.

Totally. Ha!

But if he likes Julian... and he will... you're pretty much guaranteed you're on the air.

He already guaranteed we were on the air.

Absolutely!

[Laughs] But, you know, nothing's in stone.

Actually, Merc said this was in stone.

And it is. But, you know...

Clearly, we don't know.

It's in stone, but...

...stone... Ha ha!

There's things stronger than stone.

Like what?

Like Merc.

Yeah, Merc.

Merc is stronger than stone.


Beverly: It's outrageous!

No, I know.

He has to audition... the man has played the part for four years!

It's insane!

What are you eating?

Nuts from the plane. They're awful. Do you want some?

Sure.

Hello, Wallace.

And you're here to see...?

Hmm. Heh.

Oh, I remember this scene.

It's rather good.

Julian, thank you again for doing this.

We're horrified you even need to go through it.

Oh, peaches, don't give it a second thought.

I understand. I'm not new.

The King won't let us play until he shows everybody how big his dick is.

Though, you'd think they'd have wives and boyfriends for that. But no.

Merc's here. We can start.

All right.

["Cockney" accent] 'Ello, guv'nor! Come 'ere!

Oh. Every time.

So, shall I bring in Julian?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone, may I introduce...

Julian Bullard.

Welcome, Julian. Thanks for coming in.

Not at all.

You know, the last time I had to audition was...'87.

It was to do Private Lives with Dame Judi at the National, so this is a bit of a treat.

Well, we all appreciate it.

Mm. And with whom will I be reading?

Me. Career highlight.

Sean: For those who haven't seen this episode, in this scene, Julian has to tell one of the boys he's been asked to leave St. Abban's.

Oh, this is a good one!

Wow.

Whenever you're ready.

Robbie...

I'm afraid your time at St. Abban's has come to an end.

What? Why?

Well, the teachers and I think that you would do better at a school with a less academically demanding curriculum.

[Gentle laughter] Why?

We feel that you need a more intellectually diminished environment.

[Laughter]

I don't understand.

Uh, how to put this?

You're not bright.

[Laughter]

I'm bright.

No. I'm not stupid.

You are not not stupid.

[Laughter]

Was that too many "nots"?

Maybe I'm just not working up to my full potential.

No, this is you firing on all cylinders.

[Laughter]

But all is not bleak.

For you, young man, have something far more important than intelligence.

You are... attractive.

[Laughter]

There isn't a Nobel laureate that wouldn't happily give 20 I.Q. points for those chiseled cheekbones and that pert little bum.

[Laughter]

Plus, your family is rich.

My God. You could be running this whole country one day.

And I assure you, intelligence would only get in your way.

[Laughter, applause]

Julian, could you just give us a minute?

Certainly.

Thank you.

Oh, wow.

That was a treat.

I gotta tell you... he's the real deal, huh?

Yes, he is.

So, we're all set?

Uh... hmm...

Yes?

Well... is it me?

Or does anybody else... feel like he comes off a bit too English?

Yeah, a little. Yeah, yeah.

Hmm. Too English.

Possibly it's because... he's English?

[Laughter] Yeah!

No, no. He just...

He sounds, uh, a little too... mmm, butlery.

I mean, if we're doing an American version of the show...

Yes, but he's playing the headmaster of an elite boarding school.

The boys will be American, the other teachers.

Why can't he be British?

Oh, no, I hear you.

But we need the audience to like him.

Hmm, that's true. Oh, yeah.

He has got to be likeable, mmm.

I can't believe we're actually asking you this.

Truly, I am having an out-of-body experience.

I may be sick.

Julian, we'd understand completely if you said no, but could you possibly do the scene again in an American accent?

No problem.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, dear ones.

I was doing Eugene O'Neill and Tennessee Williams before you were born.

Ohh! How old are you?

Piss off.

Ha ha!

You all remember Julian Bullard.

Welcome back, Mr. Bullard.

Shall we do this?

Um...

[American accent] Robbie.

I'm afraid your time at St. Abban's has come to an end.

What? Why?

Well, the teachers and I think you would do better at a school with a less academically demanding curriculum.

Why?

Well, we feel you need a more intellectually... diminished environment.

I don't understand.

How to put this?

[Clears throat] You're not bright.

I'm bright.

No.

I'm not stupid.

You're not not stupid.

I'm sorry. Can I just go back a little bit on that?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

So, um...

Well, how to put this?

Uh, you're not bright.

You're... Uhh.

You're not bright.

Um...

You're not bright. You're stupid.

I'm sorry. Could...

Could I just try one more thing?

Absolutely. No problem. Yeah, anything.

Southern, maybe?

OK. [Clears throat] Um...

Um...um...

Uh, you're not bright.

I'm bright.

No.

I'm not stupid.

You're not not stupid.

That too many "nots" there... partner?

I suppose that would be if I was the headmaster of a cowboy school.

All right.

I believe we have seen enough.

I know the way out.

I have been here before.

Thank me very much for coming in today.

And let's hope to heaven... there's a bar in the hotel.

Is it me, or was he just not funny?

What just happened?

I don't know. And, in case you're wondering, I'll be wanting at least that much.

Bloody pillar.

All right, all right.

Let's look on the positive side.

Positive side?

Well...

No, just once, please, do not try and find a positive side!

Because even if you can, which I very much doubt, my negative is so much, much bigger than your positive.

My negative openly mocks your positive.

My negative slaps your positive around.

My negative grabs your positive, bends it over the sofa, and buggers it from behind.

My positive did not enjoy that.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello?

Hi, Carol.

Put her on that speaker thing.

Hi, kids!

Tough day.

Sean: Yep. Yes, it was.

Yeah, we all feel terrible.

Merc is sending you a basket of loganberries.

Oh, lovely.

So, how are you two doing?

Well, er...

We're not feeling positive, I can tell you that.

Carol: I'm sure.

Anyway... we should all try and look forward.

We still love Lyman's Boys.

We do!

Mm-hm.

We just find it hard to imagine doing it without Julian.

Carol: I understand.

But before we go there, we wanted to share an idea with you.

It's a different way to go, so keep your minds open.

We just found out that there is an actor available.

Huge star.

Hysterically funny.

The audience just loves him.

And he's ready to come back to TV.

Merc thinks that he would be perfect for this.

Really? Who?

Matt LeBlanc.

What, you want me for the old fat guy's part? Thanks.

We don't want you.

Again, thanks.

They loved you!

I don't know that I love them.

Don't let them force you to cast anyone you don't want.

I'm totally wrong for it, aren't I?

Spectacularly wrong.

We got Matt LeBlanc!

What?!