01x03 - Episode Three

[Typewriter clicking]


You want me for the old fat guy's part? Thanks.

We don't want you.

Again, thanks.

We got Matt Leblanc!

[All cheering]


And the best part...

Merc's excited about the show again.

When did he stop being excited about the show?


Matt's been telling me about the changes for his character.


How's not gonna be a headmaster anymore.

How's that?

I love that he's a coach.

A coach?

A lacrosse coach.

Merc: Love it!

It was Beverly's idea.

I'm just not sure about lacrosse.

Is it too lacrossey?

I know what you mean.

How about hockey?

Ooh, hockey works!

We could call it Pucks!

[Typewriter clicking]



[typewriter clicking]


[Sprinkler squirting]

What was the name of that little hotel in Cap Ferrat?

With the precarious balcony and the, um...

The fat guitar player?


Bleh bleh bleh.


I liked that place.


We could be there in 12 hours.


I'm dreading today.

I'm quite excited.

And there you have it.

[Alarm clock beeps]


Let's just stay in bed all day.

Afraid not.

[French accent]

I let you have, uh...

The s*x with me.

Oh. Romantic.


It's not a handle!



That's not gonna work.

Oh, really?

Yeah, come on.

No, we have to get up.

I believe you are up.

Ohh. The wit, the wordplay...

It's like being in bed with Noel Coward.

I suspect it's nothing like being in bed with Noel Coward.

No, sweetheart, seriously...

We can't do this.

We don't have time for this.

We have to go... we...

We can't be late.

We've got a very...

Oh, we've got a very big day.


No, please, don't.

Ohh. Oh, f*ck it.


All right, listen.

No dawdling. Two minutes tops.


Five?! Are we doing it twice?

Hey. Sorry we're late.

Hideous traffic.

Where's the network?

Just got here.


Ha ha ha!

Good day, mates!

Ha ha. I'm afraid that's Australian.


[Drills whirring]

Well, look at me...

I'm Meryl Streep.

Look at you.


Matt: Hey!

Here we go.

So exciting.


Love the new hockey stuff.


Is anyone else hot?


Oh, wow.

Someone has let herself go.

Come here, you!


They had a thing.


Yeah, like, 15 years ago.

15 years ago?

How old is she?

[Laughs] I know.

She looks amazing.

Came over on the Mayflower.

[Laughing hysterically]

That won't get annoying.


So, we should get started.

Merc has another table read in an hour.

Oh, right.

Everyone, uh...

Shall we do this?

Apparently, we're on a tight schedule.

Merc: Come on, everybody!

Listen to Mary Poppins!

["Cockney" accent]

We are on a schedule.

[All laugh]

Hold the work!

[Bell rings, hammering stops]

[Slurping, lips smacking]


Oh. Go ahead, start.

I'll be there in a sec.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Pucks pilot, act one.

Interior, St. Abban's Academy Library.

The librarian, Nicola McCutcheon, mid-twenties, is behind the desk, stacking books.

[Smacking lips]

Merc, it's no problem.

We can wait.

What, I can't listen and lick?

Keep going.

Go, go, go. It's great.


Coach Lyman enters.

He approaches Nicola.

I need a book.

A book. A book.

I'm sure we have one somewhere.


Let me ask you something.

[Toaster clicks]

Ah! Ah! Hot!


Shh, shh.

She's just not interested in you.

You don't know that.

Everyone knows that.


Matt: That's not all they do.



Interior, library, day, coach Lyman is with the boys.

I don't want you to say yes because...


Say what?


Children should not have to see that.

Shut up.

Lyman and the boys exit.

Fade out.

Filming starts at 8 A.M. tomorrow.

Check your call sheets for your start.

So, uh...



I think, um...

I think you're gonna have to buy a lot of sun block.

Because you are gonna be living here for a very long time.


Oh! Loved it!

Oh, my God.

So funny.

It's a riot, really.


We're all happy?

Are you kidding?

["Irish" accent]

It's bloody fantastic.

[Laughs] I gotta tell you, kids, I think we are looking at a big, fat hit.

Andy: Mm-hmm.




[Hammering, drilling]

Sean: Would "Balaclava" be funnier?

Do they call it that here?

Don't they?


Oh, do you know what a Balaclava is?


How about an anorak?

Now you're just making sounds.

Can I talk to you guys about something?


Morning's character... the librarian... right?

Does she have to be a lesbian?


Or does she?

Yes, she does.

Are you sure?


What if she isn't?

It would not be as good.

Or would it?

It would not.

Are you sure?


Right, let's assume you two could do this all day.

Huge fun. But I'm gonna jump in.

Matt, what's your problem with Nicola being a lesbian?

It just seems like...

If my guy's in love with her, but he can't ever get her, it's...


It is.

Very funny.

Not saying that.

It's just...

I don't know. The whole lesbian thing...

It's kind of a dead end.

I don't know that lesbians would agree with you.

So, um, what are you suggesting?

Ok, let's just say, for a second, she's not a lesbian.

[Stifled yell]


Go on.

Say she's straight.

You can still have all the conflict.

We still fight all the time she still totally hates me.


You know, she thinks I'm arrogant, she thinks I'm a pig.

Oh, I'm with you there.

But underneath all that, she's attracted to him, and she hates it.

And I know it.

And she hates that I know it.


Well, uh... heh!

Clearly, you're a master of subtext.

But, um, what I think is actually going on here...

I think you... and, when I say "you", I'm referring, of course, to "your guy"... can't stand the idea there's a woman who isn't attracted to you.

Oh, really?


Oh, really?


Oh, really?

And we're back to that.

Well, Matt, look...

Let us think about this.



All right.

I'll think about it.

Hmm. No.

Well, that was collaborative.

What?! I am not going to coddle his homophobia and pretend to entertain some notion we both know...

[cell phone ringing]

Is that ever switched off?


We're not done with this.



I know.

Not him... You!

Jesus Christ, what are you doing?

We talked about this.

I can't help it.

He starts speaking, and I just... I just...

I don't care.

The last time you pissed him off, we found ourselves running a show about a hockey coach.

I don't know what new level of hell you're hoping to relegate us to.

Fine. How about this?

From here on in, he's yours.


Matt: So?


Oh, I'm so sorry, but I was supposed to be in wardrobe 20 minutes ago.

I'm afraid I must run.


Oh, I'm sure you and Sean can sort out any concerns you may have.

I'll see you both later.

She's fun.

She's just...

Very passionate about the work.

Ah. Lucky you.

Listen, that was this chef I gotta go check out for my new restaurant.

If I don't do it today, we could lose him.

You want to come?

We can talk on the way.

Uh...All right.

So, about this lesbian thing...

I hear what you're saying... I really do.

But I think what's important to remember about the character is...

f*ck me!

Tell me that's not yours.

You like?


I read there was only three in the whole world.

Yep. Me, the Sultan of Brunei, and some drug guy.

Oh, it's magnificent.


And that's why I was never picked.


Go for it.


I am so happy.




Get a room.

Can I?

Oh, I wish I knew how to drive.

[Engine roars, tires screech]

Look at me!

How cool do I look driving this?!


Even I don't look cool with you driving this.



So, should we get back to your issue with Morning's character?

Sure. I totally understand what you and...

I keep wanting to call her Betsy.

Ohh, no, don't do that.

Her mother's name is Betsy.

She hates it.


Well, now I gotta call her Betsy.

Oh, brilliant.

Turn right here.

Where is this chef?

Las Vegas.


What do you think?



In the first library scene.


It's very, uh...



I was gonna say Dr. Seuss.

I think it's fun.

No, it's definitely fun.

But she's, um...

She's a librarian, not someone who might have relatives in Whoville.

No, no. You remember we talked about her being a strong, confident woman?

Well, who else would wear this?

Hmm. I don't know.

Uh, maybe a cat?

Perhaps in a hat.


Ok, ok.

But we want her to look young, though, right?

I mean, she's playing late twenties.


How old do you think she is actually?

Morning? Hmm.

No one knows.

But I've got a friend who did a pilot with her and William Shatner back in the '80s.

The '80s?

Well, what did she play... his granddaughter?

How about his wife?

Mmm, I know.

It's crazy, right?

That girl...

Somewhere she's got a painting of herself, and it's looking like all kinds of sh1t.

Mmm! Mmm!

This guy's f*ckin' amazing.

Did you try the prawns?


And the catfish is like the food version of your car.


Dude, you are blowing me away here.

[Speaks Thai]

My pleasure.

You speak Thai?

No, just the basic stuff...

Please, thank you, how much for the girl?

[Cell phone rings]


Where are you?

I'm with Matt.


Is that Betsy?

Hi, Bets!

What's that?

Matt says hi.

Listen, take the car home.

I may be a while.

What's going on?

Um...Heh heh.

We're in Las Vegas.

Vegas, Betsy!

Las Vegas?

Yeah, Matt had to check out this chef for his restaurant, and then we have to go to the opening of some new club.

Give me the phone.

I'll be home tonight.

He's got a plane.

I'll call you later.

I love you. Bye.

Stop it!

Remind me... Who's doing that shitty talking-dog pilot?

We are.

Well, it might be funny.

Wait. Bad news.

We lost John Stamos.


I just got off the phone with the agent.

He's definitely taking that thing at ABC.

That f*cking cocksucker.

He's your son's godfather.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy.

What the... Not now!

Aw, boo-oo-oo!

So, now we're back to square one.

And this would be for...

Easy Marks... the con man thing.

[Scoffs] I know.

Stamos would've been perfect.

I'll get you a new list.

Hey, what about Matt Leblanc?

What about Pucks?

You think?

I still like it.

We'll see.

Nipple, nipple, nipple...


Nipple, nipple?


[Dance music playing]

My father's a neurologist, my mother's an orthopedic surgeon.

Both my brothers are surgeons.

It's amazing I'm sitting here talking to you and not removing someone's spleen.

[Laughs] Did you ever want to be a doctor?

Yeah, I went to university for it.

Somewhere along the line, though, I realized I find the interior of the human body disgusting.

Yeah, people are gross.

What about you?

What would you be doing if you hadn't done this?


I would've either been a Formula One driver...

Of course.

...Or a p0rn star.

Impressive. Not just a p0rn actor...

A p0rn star.

Yeah, well, I kind of have what you need to make it in that business.


You're speaking...


Yeah. It's ridiculous.

It's like a third arm.


Yeah. Well, without the hand.

I assumed.



Hey, I had nothing to do with it.

I was born this way.

When they saw my sonogram, they thought I was twins.

[Both laugh]

Hey, are you winding me up?

I'm very naive.

I'm telling you...

It's got everything but an elbow.

I gotta take a leak.

You want to see it?


Uh, no. I...

Ha! I don't think so.

You sure?

Uh, yeah, I'm sure.

But thank you.


I'll be right back.

I still don't get it!

How can you not get it?

Are you sure you're telling it right?

f*ck you. I've told it, like, a million times.

Maybe you left something out.

What? The bear goes in, he eats the guy, then he eats the girl, then he comes out, and he says...


Turn right here.

This may take a while.

This guy never lets us...

Hey, how's it going?

All right, man.

Thanks for schlepping around with me today.

Hey, it was a pleasure being schlepped.

Listen, uh, before I go in, I promised Beverly...

You mean Betsy.

Stop it. I promised her we'd discuss that lesbian business.

Ooh, I love lesbian business.



Right. You've seen the original show.

There's something wonderful about your character loving this woman he can never have.

He refuses to believe that one day she won't come around.

I mean, yeah, it makes him look a little foolish, but it's funny and sweet.

I agree.

You do?


It's one of the best things in the show.

It humanizes the guy.

You totally feel for him.

Then why change it?

How many years did you do the show in the U.K.?

Four series.

That's how many episodes?



That's one season for us.

Friends did 236 episodes.

You've got to give yourself places for stories to go.

How long do you think Ross and Rachel would have lasted if Rachel had been a lesbian?

Or Sam and Diane on Cheers?

Or Frasier and...

I don't know who.

I never watched that show.

Look, you're the writer, but I'm telling you...

Audiences need something to root for.

And when we're in season 3, and you're up at midnight, looking for stories, you're gonna be banging your head against the wall, saying, "how many times can this guy hit on the dyke?"

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar.

Oh, my God.

I know.

How are you?


I can imagine.

Las Vegas?


And all day with him.

What was that like?

Uh...It was fine.


Yeah, I don't know.

I guess it was fun.

Fine and fun?

Fine and fun.

You like him.

I do.

You twat.

I'm sorry.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but he's fantastic.

He's crazy and generous and very funny.

We laughed all day.

You're smitten.

Hardly. All right, a little smitten.

Just a smit.

He let me drive his car.

Yeah. I know that doesn't mean anything to you, but...Ohh, my God!

And Vegas...

Vegas is mad.

Going into this club, there are all these paparazzi, shouting at Matt, shouting at me.

Why you?

Because I was with him.

And then we got inside, and I met Lindsay Lohan.

And some people from The Hills... which I have no idea what that is, but everyone was very excited.

And... and that girl from that film that we walked out on.

Sounds like a glamorous crowd.

It really was.

Sarcasm missed.

Anyway, we hung out there for a while, then he showed me his cock, and we flew home.

I'm sorry, what?

He showed me his cock.

He showed you his cock?



Because it's enormous.

Like a sea creature.

Like something out of Jules Verne.

Oh, my God.

You can't imagine.

I don't want to.

So, help me here.

Did you ask to see it?

No. No, that would be weird.

Ah, yes.

He offered.

And this is happening where?

At the club.

He just hauled it out in the middle of a club?

No. No, I followed him into the loo.

This is a very unsettling story.

That's pretty much all there is to it.

I would hope so.

Oh, you have to see all this free stuff I got.

Before the club, we met this designer who just gave us all these clothes.


So Matt would wear them.

Again, why you?

Because I was with him!

Now, apparently, these are very hip.

It says "Blood Rat".

That's the name of the label.

You're not gonna wear that.

I might.

It says "Blood...Rat".

It's cashmere.

It's very soft.

Also, these trousers.

The stains are intentional. I asked.

Some shirts.

This cap.

And look at these glasses.

What do you think?

I think you look like a bloody idiot.

I understand why they're giving their clothes away.

They're desperately trendy, rodent-themed, and, by the way, would it have killed you to bring something back for me?


These might look...


I don't suppose you even talked about the lesbian thing.

We did.


We're on the same page.

Oh, well, that's something.

He's right.

I'm just saying, if you take the long view, it makes more sense for the characters, you know?

I mean...

If this show goes four or five years...

If this show goes four or five years, hopefully I'll be long dead, and you and your new partner can sort it out.

You know, I think I look like a bit of an arsehole in this.


I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a thoughtless prick.

I just get carried away.

Yes, you do.

You know, you might look quite sexy in this.

In blood rat?

Maybe under a tasteful blazer.

It is soft...

If you can ignore the bleeding rodent.

You're welcome to these stained trousers, if you like.

I think not.

He really let you see his willy?


When I close my eyes, I'm still seeing it.

It's that big?

It could attack a city.


Did you show him yours?


The situation was humbling enough as it was.

I don't think you've got anything to be ashamed of.

There's something to be said for human proportions.

Ow! Human proportions?

Oh, no.

[Telephone rings]





Is Sean there?

Hello, Matt.

Hey, Betsy!

Is he around?

It's your boyfriend.



You were right.

I f*cked up the punch line.

The bear goes in...

Well, that makes more sense.


[Locker banging]

Boy: Aww, he's so scared.

2nd boy: Guys, let me out!

Did you lock Dawson in there again?


Dawson: Yes, they did!

Come on, you guys.

We talked about this.

You're a team.

You've got to support each other...

Treat each other with respect.

So long as you keep pulling crap like this, you're never gonna win.

He said the puck has more brains than you do.

Well, let's give him another five.


[Bell rings]

Ha! That's great.

Great. Moving on!

Was that too big?

No, I thought it was fun.


You notice how he only looks at you now?

Maybe he thinks you don't like him.

I don't.


That's not it. I don't like a lot of people and they all look at me.

You did say he was mine.

I don't care.

It's rude.

And what's all this business about him calling me Betsy?

Ohh, I told him not to do that.

No, I... I said it was your mother's name and you'd hate it.


That's just like giving him a gift, isn't it?

You smoke?

That's ok.

My agent knows.

Can I bum one?


Oh, Beverly. I found Beverly.

She's right here.

Beverly, you seen Sean?

Yeah, he should be in there somewhere. Why?

Matt needs him. He wants to change some lines in the hockey scene.

Did he just ask for Sean, not...

Not the two of us?


Where is Matt?

In his dressing room.

Beverly's coming to talk to Matt.

Matt: Who is it?


Come on in.

What's up?

We need to speak.


Have a seat.

Clearly, you have a problem with me.

Now, I don't know whether it's that you're uncomfortable around strong women, or you're threatened by me in particular.

Or maybe you just don't like me.

Well, that's fine.

We don't have to like each other.

However, we do have to remain...


And, um...

That means... that means treating each other with, um... with mutual respect.

My husband and I created this show together, so I... I... I...

I... I would appreciate you according me every courtesy you give him.

If... if you...


If you...

Have thoughts on a scene, you, um...

You... you... you... you talk to me as well as him.

If you want to change a line, you come to both of us, not... not just him.

I... I believe I have earned that... ahem... right.

You're right.

It was unprofessional.

I apologize.

Well, um...Thank you.

I can promise you it will never happen again.

I would appreciate that.

Uh, can I say one thing...

In the interest of mutual respect?


My eyes are up here.

I'm not a piece of meat.

There you go.