01x06 - Episode Six

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

I didn't know you'd invited her.

I brought her for you.

Ohh.

And I didn't get you anything.

It just seemed like you guys were really hitting it off, so I thought I'd give you some space... you know, away from... ehhhh!

Why am I even worrying about this?

I completely trust him.

The question is, do you trust her?

You are a brilliant, brilliant writer.

I can't believe I get to work with you.

Morning: Oh, yeah, f*ck me!

[Moaning]

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

[Gunshot]

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

She hates me.

Who?

Nah, she's just hating me.

You're getting, like, the overflow.

You think?

Yeah.

I'm really the star of her hate.

You're, at best, co-hated.

[Sighs]

Trying to kill her with your mind?

Mm-hmm.

For some reason, it's not working.

Oh, God. Now she's got what's-her-name from the network hating me.

Who? Oh, her.

Are they still staring?

Don't! Don't look.

You're a f*cking lunatic.

How many diet pills did you take today?

I don't take diet pills.

Okay.

Last night, I...

Last night, I saw Sean w*nk*ng to a p0rn video of her.

Oh, Jesus.

Is that thing still online?

You know about it?

Are you kidding?

Merc used to make us watch it.

It helped him.

Eww.

So, what did he say when you caught him?

He didn't see me.

Oh, God.

I remember that video.

She has the most amazing abs.

Hey.

I don't know how she does it.

I do, like, a bajillion crunches a day, and I still look like a "before" picture.

You really can't not talk about you, can you?

I know.

That's the problem.

Hello. I hear you two stoners made quite a night of it last night.

Um...for the record, that is not something I make a habit of.

Heh. You had pre-rolled joints in your bag.

Yeah, well, I also have tampons in my bag.

But I only use them once a month.

What?

He likes to pretend that doesn't happen.

That's not true.

Menstrual flow.

Ahh!

[Laughs]

Wait, wait, wait.

You guys have a hiatus day tomorrow, right?

Thank God!

Free for lunch?

Oh, that'd be fun.

Not with me. With Merc.

That would be less fun.

Oh, come on.

You'll schmooze, you'll talk about the show, you'll tell him how great it's going.

Is there a problem?

Hmm, not a problem per se.

The way you say "per se", it's like...

"It's not a tumor per se."

There's a chance Merc may have cooled on the show a little bit.

What? Five days ago, he was over the moon.

That was five days ago.

We're shooting a lot of pilots now.

Bright, shiny new things.

I just think if you have lunch, it'll give him a chance to remember how crazy he is about the two of you.

Seriously?

Merc's just one of those guys.

Sometimes he needs to be reminded of the people he loves.

Back on you?

Oh, so what?

Hi.

Hey, what are you doing here?

How'd you get past the guard at the gate?

I waved.

Of course you did.

Is Beverly home?

Why?

I need to talk to her.

I couldn't sleep last night.

I feel like, for some reason, she hates me.

[Laughs] She...

She doesn't hate you.

Honey, don't bullshit a bullshitter.

Look, um, she doesn't hate you...per se.

She's just a little jealous.

Jealous of what?

She has these, um, ridiculous concerns that there might be a certain... attraction between us.

Why?

I don't know.

She sees us together on set.

Doing what? Nothing.

That's what I told her.

That's crazy.

I'll talk to her.

Also, I may not have helped the situation by telling her about our little... uh, moment the other night.

Are you being funny?

I can't tell when you're being funny.

What moment?

At the charity thing, when you... asked me to drive you home.

That wasn't a moment.

It was a bit of a moment.

No, not a moment.

Hmm...

I asked you to drive me home because I had too much to drink.

Okay.

Hey, smuggy.

I wasn't asking you to "drive me home" drive me home.

I have a boyfriend.

We live together.

You do?

Uh, yeah.

And even if I was looking for something else, it wouldn't be with my executive producer.

You don't sh1t where you eat.

What about toilets in restaurants?

Wow, you really can't tell when I'm being funny.

No. Wait!

This is a bad, bad idea.

First of all, you'd be waking her up, and then she'll definitely hate you.

A better plan might be... we let this go.

No, you've got to talk about stuff.

You see? Here we have a significant cultural divide.

Our people don't believe in talking about stuff.

We prefer suppressing the stuff and letting it fester.

It's kind of our thing.

Listen, I know my wife.

However well you imagine this conversation will go, it will only make things worse.

Listen, we've got one more day of shooting.

Let's just get on with it, and everyone can calm down.

I don't want to lose my job.

You won't lose your job.

I'll see to that.

I promise.

Okay.

Thank you.

And that was also not a...

Not a moment.

Not a moment.

Yeah. Okay.

What are you doing?

Bev, what are you doing?

Stop.

No.

Please.

No!

I'm going home.

You stay.

You're obviously flourishing here.

Is this because I went surfing today?

Okay, obviously it's not because I went surfing.

Bev, come on, talk to me.

Bev. Bev!

Look, I realize L.A. hasn't exactly been your favorite...

This isn't about L.A.

Bev, come on.

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar.

Wait. Is it about the show?

It's one more day of shooting, a week in post.

Move.

Front door ajar.

One week. Then the work will be done, and we can both leave together, with our heads held high.

Heads held high?

Have you not seen our heads?

It's all we can do to not kick them when we walk.

All right, look, we've made some compromises...

This isn't about the f*cking show.

Front door ajar.

Then what is it about?

Front door ajar...

Does this bitch ever shut up?!

You know what this is about.

What?

Morning? Oh, my God!

Look, I'm telling you, I have no interest in her at all.

I saw you w*nk*ng to her the other night.

What? I... No, I...

How did...

How did? Who did?

I... I...

Front door ajar...

All right!

There may have been a little w*nk*ng!

But there is nothing between us.

I just saw you with her.

What?!

I saw you with her just now!

I saw you hugging her in front of our house!

She wasn't here! She...

There was... She wanted...

Ernesto!

Ernesto!

What?

Please turn that off!

[Turns off]

I'm sorry.

Did you want me?

I want you to turn off the leaf-blower.

I did.

Yeah.

Now. But before...

Hey, Bev!

No! Bev! Wait!

Bev, stop!

You're on the wrong side!

No, Sean... you're on the wrong side!

That's not what I meant!

[Dialing]

Computerized Voice: Automated dialing.

Call Bob.

Command.

Call Bob.

Dialing Mom.

No, not Mom. Bob.

[Dialing]

Cancel.

[Ringing]

Cancel.

Stop!

Woman: Hello?

Hey, Ma. It's Matt.

Nothing. Just calling to say hi.

[Tires screeching]

[Panting]

[Groaning]

[Groans]

Ohh!

Oh, come on! You?

What... What are you doing here?

Uh, it was my car that got in your way. What?

I was coming to pick up Sean to go dirt biking.

Ohh, Jesus.

Are you okay?

Are you hurt?

Am I...

I don't think so.

Anything feel broken?

Hmm, no.

Why don't you try getting out of the car?

Easy, now. Easy, now.

How does that feel?

Uh...all right, I think.

You sure? Your neck?

Your back?

Feel your hands?

Uh, yeah, I think I'm okay.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good.

Then who the f*ck drives like that?!

You weren't even a little over the line.

You were right there, all the way over on my side... your whole f*cking car full of stupid!

I must've confused my...countries.

Seriously?

Sean does most of the driving.

Oh, really?

Is that how you keep your death count so low?

I'm sorry!

[Cell phone rings]

[Matt sighs]

It's Sean.

So?

I'm not speaking to him.

Maybe really teach him a lesson... take him for a drive.

Christ.

Sorry.

[Cell phone rings]

Sean.

Don't.

[Beep]

Hello?

Matt, it's Sean.

Hey.

I'm sorry. I know you're probably already on your way here, but I have to cancel.

Oh, yeah?

What's happening?

Uh, Bev and I had a bit of a fight.

You're kidding.

She's usually so fun and easygoing.

No, this is bad.

This is really bad.

She packed a bag and took off.

sh1t.

And you don't know where she is?

On her way back to London, I think.

She's not answering her phone.

All right. Uh... let me know what happens, and we'll talk later.

Okay.

Thank you.

MAN ON SPEAKER: And, just up ahead, we have the home of Bridget Jones herself...

Miss Renée Zellweger.

Whoa-oh-oh! You guys are in luck today.

Take a look on your left.

It's TV's Joey...

Matt LeBlanc! Ha ha!

Hey, Matt! Matt!

How you doin'?

How you doin'?

[Chattering]

Ha ha. Not so good.

Ouch. Loving the gray hair.

Very distinguished.

Thanks.

So, when's that Friends reunion gonna happen?

Not today.

How about you?

You ever gonna work again?

Soon.

Is your friend anybody?

No.

No.

All right.

We gotta get going.

See you, Matt.

Matt LeBlanc, everybody.

Bye!

Bye-bye, now!

That was unpleasant.

Yeah. I gotta get out of here.

Don't we have to call the police or...

No, no, I'll call my assistant.

She'll take care of everyth...

Jesus.

What.

You're bleeding.

Oh.


Hi, Bev. It's me again.

Um, I don't know where you are.

Maybe you're on a plane already. I don't know.

I'm about to have that bloody lunch with Merc to try and save our stupid show.

Although, right now I have no idea why.

But please, please... when you get this, please call me.

There is nothing between me and Morning.

Except, of course, for the w*nk*ng.

I'm not very proud of that.

But other than some garden-variety masturbation, there's no...

What? What?

You don't do that here?

Ow! That hurts!

Oh, it's just a little scrape.

Don't be such a baby.

I'm not a baby.

I just had a car crash.

No, you caused a car crash.

Not even bleeding anymore.

There, done.

Thank you.

You want a drink?

It's not even noon.

You just had a car crash.

Whiskey, please... straight.

There you go.

You have a lovely home.

Thanks.

[Laughs]

You have taste.

Don't sound so shocked.

Well...

Sean said something about you going back to London?

Right. That's where I was heading when you came at me with your proper driving skills.

That kind of sucks.

We're not even done shooting, and you're just taking off?

I'm sorry. I realize it's not very professional.

But, really, the show can't get any worse without me.

What are you talking about?

The show's good.

Uh, no.

What?

It's not good.

It's good.

And yet... it's not.

Heh. Shut up.

All right.

What's not good about it?

It's not funny enough.

It's not smart enough.

There's nothing unique or special.

It's just profoundly mediocre.

You're talking about our show?

I know, it's shocking something called Pucks! isn't good.

Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

Not just mine.

Sean's having lunch with Merc right now to try and salvage it, which I doubt very much he'll be able to do.

Are you serious?

God! It's...

It's really not good?

It's really not.

I thought I was clear.

How did this happen, huh?

When you did it over there, it was great.

What...

You're actually asking me that?

You might want to call a cleaning company, because there could be a lot of bits about when my head explodes!

Why?

Why? Why?

The show we did over there was about a witty, urbane headmaster, hopelessly in love with a middle-aged lesbian.

This show is pretty much Joey as a hockey coach exchanging banter with a little hottie we all know he'll eventually get into the sack.

Not precisely... the same show.

Yeah? Well, you know... if you didn't like it that way, you shouldn't have done it.

Again...

[Imitates explosion]

What?!

Shouldn't have done it?

As if we ever had a choice!

God, you are an unstoppable force.

This is the show you wanted.

You made him a hockey coach.

You made her straight.

Every shitty change we've had to make is because of you.

Oh, yes, my friend.

You caused this car wreck.

Me again.

I don't know why.

Unless you're waiting for a certain number of calls.

"Right. 31. I think I'll pick up now."

All right, he's here.

I swear to God... he's hugging a waiter now.

Here he comes.

I've got to go.

[British accent] Please, sir, I want some more.

Ohh, a little Oliver.

Ha ha!

Wouldn't be lunch without it.

Where's milady?

Uh, milady has been throwing up all morning.

Stomach flu.

Eesh!

She wanted to come, but...

So, talk to me.

How's it going?

Well, uh, the show's going very well.

Bev and I can't wait for you to see it.

I don't want to oversell it, but I think you'll be rather pleased.

That's great.

The stuff between Matt and the boys is extraordinary.

I have to say... you were so right to champion the idea of him being a hockey coach.

Really? That's working?

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Um, Matt's found a lot of physical humor.

He really is genius.

Well, I don't have to tell you that.

It was your idea to cast him.

Can you see him playing a con man?

What?

A con man.

In, like, a one-hour kind of a... well, a light comedy-drama?

Uh...

He'd be good, right?

As good as Stamos?

John Stamos from ER?

He's better than Stamos, right?

Well, I suppose he would...

He's very good in our show.

May I ask...

Hang on a second.

Come here, you talented f*ck!

Hey, man, how you doing?

You get that pilot?

Yeah, I got it.

You did?

What'd I tell you?

I really needed this one to work.

I know.

Is it too late to fix it?

We could go back to the original script.

Yeah?

And recast.

You're mean.

I am mean.

What do I do now?

You'll find something else.

They sent me this script about a con man.

It's a total piece of crap.

It's, like, why would I want to do that... when we're doing our own piece of crap already?

[Laughs] Yeah.

You laugh.

At least you get to go home after this.

I don't have any other countries.

Right.

The question is... what am I going back to?

And will I be married when I'm there?

What are you talking about?

I know about Sean and Morning.

Sean's not doing...

Don't even bother.

I know you're on his side.

I can't believe anything you say.

All righty.

You know, of all the horrible things I imagined about doing a TV show here...

I never saw this one coming.

Yeah. It's a fun town.

And you just know I'm gonna come off as the villain.

You? Why?

I don't know. Somehow.

Because it's Sean, and he's wonderful and charming, and everyone loves him.

So, I always come off like the bitch.

Maybe you are a bitch.

[Chuckles]

I'd like to think I just have integrity.

Yeah. That's why people always say, "She's such a f*ckin' woman with integrity."

[Laughs]

Do people really call me a bitch?

Nah.

Probably just me.

f*ckin' feta cheese.

Suddenly it's everywhere, you know what I mean?

Enough with the feta.

Yes, I suppose it is one of your more... ubiquitous cheeses.

Hmm.

What?

My wife just walked in.

Oh. Do you want to go over?

Nah, I saw her this morning.

You don't want to at least say hello? Nah.

If I don't talk too loud, she'll never know I'm here.

That's one of the perks.

Ah.

Hey, speaking of wives... does, uh... does yours know about the thing with you and Morning Randolph?

What?

[Laughs] The thing with you and Morning.

Me and... No.

With... With...

Where...

Where'd you hear that?

Where... Where... Where...

[Laughs]

[Whistles] A little birdie told me.

Who are the Lincolns?

Put down the f*cking BlackBerry.

It's down.

Who are the Lincolns?

Sean and Beverly.

The English couple.

And I'm having lunch with them why?

You like them.

I like their accents.

It'll be nice.

They're interesting.

[Scoffs]

Tell me one thing that's interesting about them, and I'll have lunch with them.

He may be screwing Morning Randolph.

Oh.

Maybe we'll go to Vincenti.

Ooh, slow down.

I'm close.

I assure you, there is nothing... nothing going on between me and Morning.

Hey, I wouldn't blame you if there was.

I've been to that rodeo.

Let me tell you, that bronco can buck.

What, you and Morning?

Oh, yeah.

Years ago. She still had her real tits.

Man, do I remember it.

Heh. You've seen her video, right?

Yeah, I...

Yeah, I believe I have.

Well, in person... oh, my God.

[Laughs]

She does stuff...

My dick was sending me thank-you notes.

"Me and the balls just want to say muchas gracias."

So, they're Spanish.

But can I give you a little advice?

I can't tell you how to write.

I couldn't even tell you what makes a TV show work.

Good to know.

But I can tell you this.

This thing with Morning... don't do it.

Oh, I have no intention of doing it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen to me.

It's not worth it.

What you have with...

Beverly.

[Laughs] I know.

What you have with Beverly is so precious and so rare.

It's like what I have with that amazing woman over there.

It'd be so easy to cheat on her.

Well...obviously.

Right.

[Laughs]

But I would never do it. Okay.

You and me.

We're the last of the good guys.

We gotta stay strong.

We owe it to ourselves, and we owe it to those remarkable, beautiful women.

But you don't want to go over and say hello?

Ah, I'll see her at home.

Have you ever been cheated on?

Hmmmmm... no.

Well, that seems massively unfair.

Well, I'm usually the one doin' the doin'.

Is it the gigantic dick?

Does it demand more than one woman?

I assume you don't want to make it cross.

Our marriage counselor said I have a need to sabotage my happiness.

But I like your dick thing better.

I think you just like your dick thing.

I still can't believe you took it out and showed it to my husband.

Who does that?

I want to say... not guys with little dicks?

[Chuckles]

Well, he was traumatized.

He had nightmares about... enormous dachshunds and rogue bananas.

[Laughs]

Served him right, the b*st*rd.

How could he do this to me?

I know. Men.

No, I'm actually asking you.

How could he do it?

I don't understand.

You might know.

You're the expert.

Did you love your wife?

Yeah.

I loved her.

So?

How could you just chuck that away?

What were you thinking?

Um...I wasn't.

The shrink also said I have an inability to appreciate the consequences of my actions.

You're just a mess, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

Well... you should be proud.

You taught my husband well.

How much of this was your doing?

How much of what was my doing?

Matt, I'm just thinking... the night you went to that rape thing, you had two extra tickets, but you took Sean and her, not me.

What were you up to there?

I don't know.

Ow. I guess I liked her better.

She didn't kick me.

Bollocks.

What the hell were you trying to do?

Hey! Okay!

I just wanted him to have a little fun.

Uhh! That was back when I didn't think you were fun.

You bloody prick.

You set them up.

Let go.

Okay.

If you promise to stop kicking me.

I promise.

You are responsible for every terrible thing...

Stop!

...that's happened to me since I got here.

You destroyed my show, my marriage!

Okay.

Ow! Ow!

Okay, you want to let it out?

Fine, let it out.

Yeah, let it out!

Aah! Ow!

Okay, stop letting it out.

Enough letting it out!

No!

[Panting]

Is that a...

No.

Yes, it is.

I can feel it.

Maybe a semi.

That's just a semi?

I'm horrified on so many levels.

And... on the other levels?

You're disgusting.

Sure.

If you want me to stop... say stop.

Stop.

[Sighs]

Oh, my God.

That really was just a semi.