02x09 - Episode Nine

(WIND WHISTLING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(GUNSHOT)

How can I take this job?

How? I can't do that to him.

It sounds like they're doing it to him whether you do it or not.

No, I know, but... I, I, I...

This is your dream!

It's what you have been working for your entire career.

I know, but...

Hewould never understand.

I don't think our relationship could survive it.

So?

So!

A couple weeks ago you were prepared to end it and there wasn't even a dream job on the table.

He's never going to leave her, is he?

(SIGHS)

No.

(CAROL SIGHS)

Because she's a f*cking saint, a f*cking blind saint.

Hmm.

What?

What?

That "Hmm".

What "Hmm"?

Uh, no, no.

I said that she's a f*cking saint, and you went "Hmm", like maybe she's not such a f*cking saint.

Oh, no.

It was just an "Hmm".

Like, "Hmm, go on". So... Hmm.

Go on.

What aren't you telling me?

Nothing.

Tell me.

You... Well... You've never moved this fast in your life.

So, you need to tell me.

Look, I know nothing!

It was just an... Hmm.

You like poison ivy?

There's plenty of it up there.

Oh, oh, oh!

Carol: That's a cliff. (LAUGHS)

Oh! Uh...

I'm on ya. Come on, come on!

Oh, what are you gonna do? Huh?

I got ya. (PANTING)

She's fine! Keep moving.

Tell me.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

She's having an affair with Matt.

Who?

Saint Jamie.

Is having an affair?

With Matt LeBlanc.

(CHUCKLES)

No. No!

Oh, my God. No!

You knew this and you didn't tell me?

What about all the sh1t with our show you don't tell me?

That's work! This is my life!

I know!

But if I told you, you'd tell Merc!

I have to tell Merc!

You can't tell Merc!

If you tell Merc, this whole thing will blow up and Matt will kill me.

(WHISPERING)

You must keep this to yourself.

Yeah, I can't do that.

If you tell Merc, I swear I'll...

I'll tell him that you've been having secret meetings with that... that Salad person, and that you knew he was getting fired before he did and you didn't tell him.

Ha!

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

Fine.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Understood.

(SIGHS)

Jamie Lapidus and Matt LeBlanc.

Un-fucking-believable.

For all I know, it's already over.

Last I heard he was having a thing with his stalker.

Jesus!

A stalker and his boss's blind wife.

That guy'll stick it anywhere.

No offence.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Yo.

Matt? Stanford Shamiro.

Hey. What's up?

I just got a call from Diane's lawyer.

What did that prick want?

Please tell me you weren't entertaining your stalker at your house last night.

Okay, I was not entertaining her.

Technically, yeah, she was here.

But I was throwing her out when Diane called.

So she broke in again?

Uh, technically, no.

So, why don't you tell me what did happen. Technically.

All right, the other night, I was pretty hammered, and I called her up...

Diane?

No.

You called up your stalker.

Right.

The one we got the restraining order for.

Yeah.

Did you have sexual relations with her?

Hmm... Does a**l...

Yeah, it counts.

Then technically, yes.

You should know Diane's gonna try and have your visitation rights terminated.

Meaning, what, I'd never get to see my kids?

If the judge agrees.

That's bullshit!

We gotta fight this.

Can I take off my lawyer hat for a minute?

Yeah...

I'm talking to you now as a friend...

You're going to need a much better lawyer.

'Cause the one you've got...

I don't know how the f*ck he's going to get you out of this.

(SIGHS)

Wow!

Seriously, wow!

Yeah?

I'm telling you.

You look f*cking... Wow.

(LAUGHS)

What are you doing with an old shitbird like me?

Are you kidding?

You're my Man of the Year. (CHUCKLES)

It's your big night.

What's the matter?

What?

You look...

I'm fine. All good.

All right.

Is this ever going to change?

What?

This. Us.

I mean... Here we are. Again.

It's your big night, and I can't be there with you.

You'll be there.

Not with you.

You're going to come down off that stage, and I can't kiss you, I can't...

(EXCLAIMS)

Am I always going to be this invisible person?

What, you think I like it this way?

You think I don't want to be with you all the time? Come on!

What do you want me to do?

The woman's blind.

She's f*cking Matt LeBlanc!

Who's f*cking Matt LeBlanc?

Your blind wife is having an affair with Matt LeBlanc.

(LAUGHS)

Bullshit.

I swear to God, it's true.

Are you kidding me?

It's been going on for months.

Jesus Christ.

Yup.

(GASPING) I can't breathe.

Seriously, I cannot breathe.

You can breathe.

I can't breathe well!

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow. Look at you all dressy dressed.

I got this for my sister's funeral.

Pretty.

No, if anything it looks more like the other cheek than it did before.

And you really can't tell?

You really can't. It's amazing.

Just promise me you're done messing with your face.

I swear, I'm done messing with my face.

What?

(SIGHS) Oh, Christ, kill me now!

Sean!

Andrew! Where aren't you?

This is my friend, Morning Randolph.

Hello.

We've met.

So, what brings you here?

I actually just signed a deal with Merc, so I thought I'd better come and kiss the ring.

You're doing television now?

I know.

I came up with this great idea for a show.

It's about this British couple who bring their hit comedy to the States and how they end up getting divorced, but still have to work together.

You're...

You're f*cking kidding me, right?

I know!

It took me, like, five seconds to come up with it.

Oh, look, there's Bev and Rob.

Oh, God, it's so hard seeing her with someone who's not you.

Just saying Bev and Rob feels so wrong.

Bev and Rob. Bev and Rob.

Excuse me.

Hmm.

Bev! Rob!

I've been that cocksucker's friend for 20 years.

Twenty years.

I know.

He's on my network.

I know.

And when she went blind, I could have walked out.

But I f*cking stuck by her.

She does not deserve you.

I guess I'm the blind one.

Oh, and by the way...

I think sometimes she can actually see a tiny bit.

No!

I'm telling you.

Like vague shapes and shadows.

And she calls herself blind.

What a bitch.

How could she do this to me?

I'm probably not the best person to ask.

If you were mine, believe me...

Well, guess what. I am yours.

What? What are you saying?

Oh, yeah. I am so gonna dump her ass.

What do you think of that?

I think yeah! Do it! Dump it!

(CHUCKLES) Dump it, dump it, dump it.

(SCOFFS) Here we go.

Okay, creepiest smile ever.

Is it too Wallace and Gromit?

I don't know who that is, but yeah.

Oh, God, that's his Wallace and Gromit smile.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's not a good thing.

Sean: Hey, how are you?

Nice to see you.

(BEVERLY CLEARS THROAT)

Champagne?

All: Oh, yes.

You can do this.

Just knowing they're both here...

Carol: I know.

But you're going to smile like nothing's wrong because you are the Man of the Year.

And these people are paying $10,000 a table just to see that smile.

Not the ones in the back.

Do we know yet who bought the cheap ones?

I'm getting you a list.

Mr Salad!

So...

You finally decided to grace us with your presence.

You know me, I like to make an entrance.

Congratulations, sir. Well deserved.

Thank you, my friend.

Can you believe this guy flew 3,000 miles just for me?

He's the best.

So, any big plans while you're out here?

Nope. This weekend's all about you.

Merc: (LAUGHS)

You're gonna make me cry.

Who's that?

Morning's brother, Rob. He's her date.

What do you mean, her date?

Well, they're kind of a thing.

You sh1tting me?

I sh1t you not.

And this is okay by you?

Why not?

I told her we had to move on, and she believed me.

Why would you do that?

Well, you had a little something to do with it.

Aw, Christ, are you still on that?

You f*cked my wife.

Five months ago.

Right. I can't believe I'm still dwelling on it.

I feel like such an arsehole.

You are an asshole.

You love her. Get over yourself.

It's not that simple.

Oh...

Yeah, it is.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey.

I thought I could smell Joey.

Too much?

No. I like a man who can wear Cinnabon.

So...

Sean and I were just talking about assholes.

Oh, so that's what guys talk about when we're not around.

(CHUCKLES)

I was telling him to stop being one.

And I realised the last time you and I were together, I kind of was one.

No argument from me.

And then I never called you, which makes me an even bigger one.

Again, we're on the same page.

Anyway...

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I don't want to mess this up.

Then don't.

Okay.

I may need you to keep reminding me.

I'll stay on top of it.

Sounds good to me.

(APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC STARTS AGAIN)

So?

Really? Here? Now?

I gotta move on this.

(SIGHS)

Elliot, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this offer.

I really do. And I'll probably end up kicking myself, but...

Eh, eh, eh.

If it's the money, we're prepared to...

Oh, God, no, it's not the money.

You're prepared to what?

No, no, don't tell me.

It's not the money.

It's Merc.

I can't do it to him.

Look, loyalty's one thing.

But unless you're f*cking him...

I'm f*cking him.

Aha.

No. (LAUGHS)

I'm more than f*cking him.

I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds like he's a lucky man.

I mean, we're serious.

Oh.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Well, for what it's worth, I'm a big believer in second marriages.

This would be his fourth.

Mazel tov.


(OPERA SINGER SINGING)

(WHISPERING)

Are you going to eat your olives?

No.

(INAUDIBLE)

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

Matt: But more than anything else, Merc Lapidus has a big heart.

Those hugs of his?

They don't come from here, they come from here.

Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome our Man of the Year, and my boss, Merc Lapidus.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Matt LeBlanc!

Let's hear it for a real friend.

Wagner once said, "Joy is not in things, it is in us".

Clearly Wagner never owned his own jet.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Seriously, I think everyone here tonight knows what he meant.

All the trappings of success mean nothing.

It's about finding the joy in what we do.

And I love what I do.

They call it the industry.

But looking around here tonight, it's clear that we're more than just an industry, we're family.

Six years ago, when I found out that I had cancer, the outpouring of support was overwhelming.

And then later, when our network became number one after being last for so many, many years, I felt that same response.

In good times and in bad, you have been there for me.

I'd like to thank all of you for the love and friendship and, yes, the joy that you've given me all these years.

I may be your Man of the Year, but right now I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh! Your speech was fantastic.

Yeah?

Oh, my God.

Funny and moving and so smart.

You are one class act.

I gotta piss like a racehorse.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Awesome speech.

(URINATING)

You put that in my wife?

Okay, you don't want to do this here.

Don't tell me what I want!

Watch it!

Oh, sorry!

Jesus Christ! Are you crazy?

Merc: Hey, LeBlanc, you smell like piss!

Wait, what?

f*cking lunatic!

Oh, God...

Aw, don't run away!

I got more!

Found another one!

How many does she need before we can go home?

Could be a while.

She's a bit of a gift bag whore.

Seven!

It's almost an illness.

You'll get used to it.

Get him the hell away from me!

Come on, let's just go.

You don't get to screw my wife and then walk away!

Oh, yeah? How about you?

How 'bout the fact that you've been screwing...

What is her name?

Carol.

Carol!

How 'bout the fact that you've been screwing Carol?

You son of a bitch!

No!

(CROWD GASPS)

(GROANS)

You f*cking cocksucker! f*ck you!

You are so f*cking fired!

(MOCKING) Oh, no!

Fired from Pucks!?

Keep laughing.

For the rest of your life you're just gonna be the fat guy who used to be Joey!

And you'll just be a fat guy!

All right! Enough!

This is what you get for screwing other people's wives.

I hope you're happy.

Oh, I'm very happy.

Jamie, are you happy?

Yes.

You son of a bitch!

Oh!

That's my wife!

Not the face!

What's happening?

Ah!

(GROANS)

Seriously, what's happening?

Get the hell off of me!

Aha!

Look out! He's got a bag.

What are you going to do?

Hit us with a spa certificate?

I saw a candle in here that could do some damage!

(GASPS)

I didn't get a candle...

(GRUNTS)

(CROWD GASPS)

(GROANING)

What the f*ck? Let go of my f*cking...

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

What? What?

My shoulder... Dislocated...

Oh, Jesus. Does it hurt?

Oh, f*ck.

How 'bout now?

(MATT GROANS)

Hey! Are you insane?

Forget firing him!

That whole show is dead!

I want that pucking f*cks...

f*cking Pucks!

sh1t! It's dead! It's off the air!

All right, stop. Breathe.

I need you to breathe.

I mean it!

First thing Monday I don't care if I have to run cartoons in that slot!

I want him off my network!

Oh, God...

What?

There's something you need to know.

What? What? What?

Uh...

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Elliot's going to call you.

The board decided...

You're out.

Out? Out of what?

Your job.

After the whole talking dog thing and the way our season's been going...

What? How do you know this?

All of a sudden, you know all this crap!

I'm getting canned!

My wife's f*cking around!

What are you, some kind of witch?

You need to calm down.

I'm calm! Tell me!

I heard it from Elliot.

Hetold you?

Hetold you before he told me?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

He...

Heoffered me your job.

(WHIMPERING)

Let's not do this here.

Yeah, okay.

(SCREAMING)

Where are the bloody paramedics?

You don't need paramedics.

It's happened before.

Just pop it back in.

What do you mean pop it? I can't pop it.

You got to! I can't pop it myself!

I'm not going to pop it!

You need a doctor to pop it!

No, you don't! Just grab my arm, pull it out of the socket, then pop it back in!

No!

All you got...

Oh, Jesus! Pop it! I'm beggin' you!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Just do it, hurry.

I can't!

Just pop it!

Pop it!

All: Pop it! Pop it!

Everyone stop saying pop it!

Do you want me to do it?

Oh, like you could do it!

I could do it!

All right, then do it!

No!

(SCREAMS)

I can't do it!

I'll do it.

No! Not her!

I'll do it.

No!

I can do it.

(GROANING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(CRACK)

(SIGHS)

You think you're gonna be all right?

Just...

Listen to me.

I turned him down. I didn't take it.

Why?

Why?

Because I would never do that to you.

I love you.

They're going to regret this.

You're going to come back stronger than ever.

I don't know...

I know.

I'm not saying it'll be easy.

But we're going to get through this.

Together.

(SIGHS)

You'll move in with me.

How nice will that be, to finally...

What? What are you talking about?

I can't leave her now.

What?

I've got no f*cking job!

You want me to give her half my money?

(TYRES SCREECH)

Get out.

What?

Get out of my car.

You serious? No. It's raining.

(SCREAMING) Get out!

Are you f*cking crazy?

I don't even know where the hell I am!

It's downtown!

(SCREAMING)

Sean: So, opera...

Apparently it gets kind of rough.

(CHUCKLES)

You were very brave tonight.

Please.

Merc Lapidus threw me around like a sock puppet.

And yet you kept coming back for more.

Like an idiot.

I found it heroic.

Hmm.

And then with the arm popping.

If writing doesn't pan out, you can always reconsider being a doctor.

I could specialise in terrified medicine.

(CHUCKLES)

You'd be brilliant.

Your poor face.

It's seen worse.

When he hit you...

It was like...

I just went...

(SHUSHING) I'm fine now.

I'm fine. I didn't even...

(BEVERLY WHINING)

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Please.

Do not be sorry for that.

Should we just leave?

Oh, I'd say so.

I think they're ready to go here.

You guys coming, or are you gonna just make out all night?

We're coming.

Oh, wait.

Seven.

(BEVERLY CHUCKLES)

Andy: Listen to this. Daily Variety.

Network prexy Merc Lapidus has chosen to step down from the post, effective immediately.

Chairman Elliot Salad said, "It is with deep regret that we must accept "the resignation of Merc Lapidus.

"It's difficult to imagine this network without him".

Lapidus stated, "I've chosen to go now "having accomplished everything I set out to do.

"And I look forward to spending more time "with my wonderful family".

Myra: Hmm...