03x01 - Episode One

[ TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING ]

[ TYPEWRITER CARRIAGE RETURNS ]

I'm about to leave for my date.

Okay.

If you don't want me to go, I won't go.

Go.

500 feet, Labia. 500 feet.

If that f*cking lunatic comes near my kids again, I swear to God...

Please tell me you weren't entertaining your stalker at your house last night.

Did you have sexual relations with her?

Does a**l...

Yeah, it counts.

You think I don't want to be with you all the time?

Come on! What do you want me to do?

The woman's blind.

She's f*cking Matt LeBlanc.

You son of a bitch.

Let go of my f*cking...

Oh, Jesus. Does it hurt?

Oh, f*ck.

How about now?

We got a very short list.

Right.

And your name's at the top of it.

The board decided... you're out.

How do you know this?

He offered me your job.

But he hit you.

I'm fine now. I'm fine.

It didn't even...

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

I can't leave her now.

What?

I got no f*cking job!

You want me to give her half my money?

Get out!

Are you f*cking crazy?!

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

I don't even know where the hell I am!

[ SIREN WAILS ]

This is downtown!

f*ck!

[ THUNDER RUMBLING ]

[ DOORBELL BEEPING ]

Honey?

Hmm?

I think someone's at your gate.

[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]

[ SIGHS ] Oh, Jesus.

Yeah?

I want to talk to my wife!

Oh, God.

Uh... f*ck you.

Open up! I know she's there!

Yeah, she's here.

And, again...

f*ck you.

[ BEEPING RESUMES ]

[ SIGHS ]

Looks like it's still raining.

[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]

[ GRUNTING ]

[ POUNDING ON WINDOW ]

Open up!

Let me in!

Open the f*ck up!

Go away, asshole.

Come on, let me in!

Whatever you have to say, you can say through the window.

Jamie, sweetheart, I know you're mad.

I don't blame you.

I'm sorry.

I... I'm sorry.

I made a mistake.

A mistake?!

You've been screwing Carol for five years!

Okay, nobody said that I was perfect.

But, come on, one more chance.

It's okay, she can have you.

Forget her!

I dumped her ass last night 'cause I want you.

Well, I don't want you!

I've been happier in the last three months than any day of our marriage.

Okay, I can feel the breeze from your charade.

Sorry.

Look, I'm done.

If you have anything to say, say it to my lawyer.

You have a lawyer already?

It's the guy Matt's ex-wife used.

Apparently, he's very good.

Goodbye, Merc.

"Goodbye"?

What do you mean, "goodbye"? Not "goodbye."

Honey, honey, please.

[ BLINDS WHIRRING ]

Where's your humanity?

We're husband and wife!

Jamie, come on! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

At least get me a towel!

Are you sleeping?

What?

Never mind. Go back to sleep.

No, what did you say?

I asked if you were sleeping.

When you asked, I was.

Now I'm not.

Sorry.

It's all right.

I like what I'm waking to.

How much have you missed this?

[ SIGHS ]

I know.

There was a moment... last night... when I was looking at you... and I couldn't help but think...

Bloody hell, it's 8:15!

Wait, wait, wait. No. What?

Couldn't help but think what?

8:15! We're seriously f*cked!

I have no car here. I have to get home.

Why?

Uh...

I'm not going to work in an evening gown.

No?

Elegant Friday?

[ CHUCKLES ] Oh, God.

We have script changes we never gave them.

sh1t.

Uh, I'll drop you at home. Just let me jump in the shower.

Feel like jumping in with me?

[ CHUCKLES ] 8:15.

Right.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]

[ SIGHS, CHUCKLES ]

Get me Elliot Salad.

He's still in the air.

He's heading back to New York.

Then have him call me as soon as he lands.

And make sure he knows it's about what we discussed last night.

Hey.

Morning.

How are you?

Fine.

No, I know, but how are you?

I'm good.

I am.

Look, these things happen, especially in our business.

Nothing's forever.

Poor Merc. How's he doing?

I wouldn't know.

Really?

Really.

So that's...

Mm-hmm.

Oh, thank God.

I never understood that anyway.

[ GROANS ]

Did you see his office?

It's like he was never here, like that movie "The Vanishing."

I never saw it.

Someone vanishes.

So, why'd they dump him?

Was it 'cause of last night?

I really can't say.

That fight was insane.

Have you seen the video?

There's a video?

It's on YouTube.

You're telling me some asshole actually stood there filming the whole thing and then posted it?

What kind of sick f*ck would do that?

If it helps, you look gorgeous in it.

I'm in it?

Jesus! Are we all in it?

Everyone but Andy.

[ GROANS ]

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ PLOP! ]

[ SOBS ]

Cock sucker!

f*ck you! You are so f*cking fired!

I can't believe this is online.

Is that really what my hair looks like?

It's up to almost a million hits.

Hey, you know, more people saw Merc hit you in the face than actually watch our show.

Your poor face.

f*ck her face. What about our poor show?

I didn't mean "f*ck her face."

Thank you.

Shh. Hey, hey, listen.

You can actually hear him pull your shoulder out of the socket.

[ LAUGHS ] It's so sick.

Is it? Is it sick?

Kind of.

What the f*ck?!

[ ALL GASP ]

sh1t.

Maybe I should let it grow.

Jesus.

Yep. Some messed-up night.

I don't know.

Some good things came out of it. [ SIGHS ]

Stop it. We're not puppies.

What? It's nice.

So, does this mean we'll be sending your scripts to one address, not two?

I'd say so.

And which one would that be?

Doesn't matter to me, as long as we're together.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Either place is fine with me, too.

Okay, let me know.

What does it take you to get here?

Oh, door-to-door, 20 minutes, assuming there's no traffic in the canyon.

How often is there traffic in the canyon?

Always.

Why? How long does it take you?

I could walk here.

Do you?

No.

Oh. [ CHUCKLES ]

All right, then, uh... [ CLEARS THROAT ]

I guess, uh, your place makes more sense.

But...

[ SIGHS ]

No, it's silly.

What?

[ SIGHS ]

Well, there is one thing.

What?

Matt, we're ready for you.

Yeah, I just want to hear the thing.

Go!

[ SIGHS ]

But you'll tell me the thing?

No!

So?

It's... [ CHUCKLES ] your bed.

What's wrong with my bed?

You've never even seen my bed.

[ SIGHS ]

Morning was in it with you, doing... Morning things.

I just want to start with a clean slate.

Absolutely.

I'd feel exactly the same way.

Picture up.

[ TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING ]

Yes.

As soon as Elliot calls, patch him through to me.

Hi. No, it's fine. Interrupt.

It's only Beverly.

Okay, promise you'll find me.

I cannot miss this call.

Bye.

How crazy was last night?

Oh, my God. [ CHUCKLES ]

Oh, I have so much to tell you.

Well, I've got a fair bit to tell you.

Okay, you go first.

Really?

Yes. I want to hear everything. Go.

[ SIGHS ]

Sean and I are back together.

Merc and I broke up.

Why don't you go first?

Okay. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

Ready for lunch?

Oh, I can't. I... I've got to do this.

What?

I'm trying to write an e-mail to Diane.

She won't answer my calls.

This still about the Labia thing?

[ SIGHS ] She's on the f*cking warpath.

You know, she's gonna ask the judge for supervised visitation.

Meaning?

Meaning, anytime I'm with the boys, there has to be a goddamn social worker there.

How fucked-up is that?

Very.

[ SIGHS ]

This weekend could be my last time alone with them.

I'm gonna take them to Disneyland.

Oh, I've never been.

You ever been to Walmart?

It's like that with rides.

I got to get her to back down.

Well, good luck with that.

You're a writer.

No, no, no!

No, this has got to come from you.

It's got to be personal, from the heart.

Exactly. I can't write that sh1t.

Come on, please.

[ SIGHS ] What have you got so far?

Uh, "Diane."

Well, at least you got something to build on.

Uh, you could start by explaining why you invited your stalker into your house.

I was shit-faced.

Yeah, well, nothing says you're a responsible father like...

So, what's my excuse?

There is no excuse.

Thanks.

No, that's what you say.

"There is no excuse for what I did."

Nice.

"It was thoughtless and stupid. Bringing that woman into my home is... indefensible."

Or some word that you'd use.

I'd use "indefensible."

Sorry.

Uh, "I take full responsibility for my actions, and I will do anything... anything... "

Two "anythings"?

Yeah. Underline the second one.

Got it.

"Anything... "

There's still just two. That was the second one again.

I'm with you.

"... to win back your trust. Our children mean the world to me." [ CLEARS THROAT ] "They are... the only truly good thing in my life. Please don't punish them because of my bad decisions."

This is so good.

"I don't know why I do what I do... but I can only promise you that I am going to get help."

[ SIGHS ] Love that.

Right.

But now you have to get help.

No, you do.

Okay.

No, I'm saying you need help.

You've got to figure out how to change this self-destructive pattern.

You brought home the one woman in the whole world your ex-wife specifically forbade you to see!

You do these things, and then you're surprised when there are consequences.

If you are unwilling to examine why, then you are doomed to just keep repeating and repeating the same self-sabotaging behavior!

Sorry.

No. You're right.

That's what I do.

And I keep doing it.

Okay.

I'll get help.

I think that's wise.

[ SIGHS ]

You're not gonna get help, are you?

Nah, but this is really good.

[ SIGHS ]

I mean, how pathetic am I?

I almost didn't take the job.

[ CHUCKLES ]

'Cause I didn't want to hurt Merc?

f*cking Merc?

Why didn't you say something?

I did, repeatedly.

Was I listening?

Do you ever?

Sorry, I thought that was my phone.

What did you say?

Nothing.

I'm so ready for this.

I can totally run that network.

I've been running that network.

Only now you finally get credit for it.

Thank you!

[ LAUGHS ]

Oh, sh1t.


Hi. [ CHUCKLES ]

How long has she been sitting there?

No idea. Why do we care?

She writes for Variety.

If she heard me talking about the job, f*ck.

Oh, calm down.

She probably can't even hear us from there.

All right, tell me if she turns.

Marianne?

Marianne? Anything?

Not yet.

Marianne, time to lose the holiday weight.

Still nothing?

Nope. But I know I'm skipping dessert.

Okay. Let's just talk about something else... anything.

What do you want to talk about?

[ GASPS ] You and Sean.

Tell me everything.

I'm dying to hear.

Clearly.

No, I am.

Come on. Wh... wh... wh... what happened? [ CHUCKLES ]

Well, there's not really that much to tell.

Last night, after the, um, mêlée...

[ CHUCKLES ]

Sean and I were talking about my face wound, and, um... next thing I know, he's kissing me.

Yeah, he is!

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

We'll take a check.

[ MUSIC RESUMES ]

So, what, are you, just, like, crazy happy?

Oh, beyond crazy.

Yay.

But there is this, um, one... little thing.

You remember Morning's brother Rob.

Uh, yeah.

That guy is ridiculously hot.

[ CHUCKLES ]

But Sean... better... obviously.

Right.

Well, I, um...

I sort of slept with him.

Oh, my God.

What... uh, what does "sort of" mean?

Nothing. I slept with him.

All right! Good for you.

No, not good for me.

No?

No.

What do I tell Sean?

Nothing. That's what you tell him.

I can't just lie.

First of all, not lying.

It's omitting.

There is a huge difference between omitting and lying.

That said, I also believe in lying.

I don't want to start our new lives with this giant secret.

So, it was giant?

Stop.

Fine. Look, just let it go.

It's all in the past.

It was Wednesday.

Oh, my God! Wednesday?

Definitely lie.

Lie the sh1t out of this.

Wendy, do you have today's pages from the writing room?

Where are they?

That's what I'm asking you.

Well, that's what I'm asking you.

We could have hired a squirrel.

Hello.

Hey!

What's this?

Well, I thought the three of us should celebrate... you know, you guys getting back together and all that good stuff.

I would drink to that good stuff.

This is so nice.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Need a hand?

No, no, I got it.

[ CHUCKLES ]

What?

[ GRUNTING ]

Help him, I beg you.

[ CORK POPS ]

Sure, Mr. Two-hands.

I hate change.

The thought of having to look for a new job.

Why would you...

Oh, come on!

You don't think whoever comes in isn't gonna clean house?

Not necessarily.

You'll be fine. I promise.

How can you say that?

[ GASPS ] What do you know?

Who is it gonna be? Talk to me.

Okay, you absolutely can't tell anyone.

I won't, I swear. I promise.

Who is it?

[ GASPS ]

Shut the fup!

[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]

Seriously, no one can know.

I haven't even said yes to Elliot yet.

But he offered it to you?

He did.

And you didn't tell me. You sneaky bitch.

[ LAUGHS ]

Who's a sneaky bitch?

What?

[ SCOFFS ] It's Myra.

Fine.

She's getting Merc's job.

Who's getting Merc's job?

Carol.

Really?

You can't tell anyone.

Okay, I won't, but you should know that I'm...

Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

What?

Come on. If you can't trust Peter...

I've been offered Merc's job.

Seriously?

It's so exciting, isn't it?

What's so exciting?

Carol's getting Merc's job.

I'm not good with secrets.

Are you serious?!

It's not a done deal.

Please, you cannot repeat this.

Wait, so, it's not Castor Sotto?

What?

Well, uh, "Deadline Hollywood" said that Castor Sotto was replacing Merc.

[ CHUCKLES ] Uh...

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

Carol Rance's office.

Elliot Salad on one.

[ LAUGHTER ]

There you go.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Elliot?

I just heard.

Castor Sotto.

Great choice. Great choice.

No, I've never met him.

But, come on, Castor Sotto.

What a coup.

[ TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING ]

So, have you guys been in this place the whole time?

You've been in our office before, no?

No, never.

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

It's really a sh1t hole.

Oh, thanks.

How could anyone be funny in a place like this?

[ CHUCKLES ] No wonder.

Matt, the stage just called.

Your kids are here.

Oh, come say hi.

"No wonder"? Did he really just say "no wonder"?

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Hey.

I got your e-mail.

Yeah?

You're really gonna get help?

I... I really am.

And not like with the couples counselor?

No, no.

That one was very unprofessional.

Because she slept with you?

Yeah, a good one would never do that.

Maybe go with a guy this time.

Probably smart.

But you're gonna do what you have to do, but I meant what I said about the boys.

I don't want anything to mess that up.

Then don't mess up.

I won't. I promise.

It's all gonna be better. You'll see.

I'm gonna be better.

[ SIREN WAILING ]

Uh, can I call you back?

Want to hear a small world?

My sister played the nurse on the one where Rachel is having the baby.

No kidding? She was great!

Yeah? You remember her?

Totally.

Say hi for me.

I will. [ CHUCKLES ]

Listen, isn't there some way you could just give me, like, a slap on the wrist?

Hey. Joey.

Hey.

D.U.I.?

You got me.

Looks like we did.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Hey, you were saying maybe you could just give me a slap on the wrist?

No, you were saying that.

I knew someone said it.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Uh, you were going over 90 with a 1.7 alcohol level, so...

That's crazy.

I had a couple glasses of champagne.

I guess you need more body mass.

Yeah, that's what I need.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Other hand.

Seriously, there's got to be a way to just give me, like, a warning.

Not with kids in the car.

Look, I'm kind of going through a custody thing right now.

I went through that.

Such bullshit.

Totally, right?

And... and this is gonna make it so much worse.

Man, I hear you.

It sucks.

Okay, I got to ask you for a photograph.

Absolutely. Happy to.

Are you gonna do one of all of us together, or...

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

So, this is your house?

Our house.

Our house.

[ SIGHS ] What do you think?

Definitely not a sh1t hole.

High praise.

Would you like a tour?

That's the kitchen.

Nice.

Uh, back there is the laundry room.

Good.

[ CHUCKLES ]

That's a bar.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I like your tour better.

Is there a bedroom?

[ CHUCKLES ]

That way.

[ GASPS, LAUGHS ]

Someone's been going to the gym.

I have been going to the gym.

[ LAUGHS ]

Hold that thought.

I'm just gonna change the sheets.

What?

It'll only take a moment.

To change the sheets?

Right.

Uh, well, obviously, when it comes to foreplay, changing the sheets is my favorite bit.

[ LAUGHS ] Just scoot off the bed.

What, you're serious?

Oh, you know what they say... fresh start, fresh sheets.

No one says that.

Laundresses don't say that.

I'm sorry.

If I'd known we were gonna end up here tonight...

Do you not want to do this?

Oh, God, you have no idea how much I want to do it.

But you know me and clean sheets.

No, actually.

I could have done it by now.

So could we.

[ LAUGHS ]

Is there something I should know about these sheets?

No.

I spent a night here with Rob.

What night?

Wednesday.

God!

[ SHUDDERS ]