03x02 - Episode Two

[bunniefuu]

It's all gonna be better. You'll see.

I'm gonna be better.

[Siren wails]

D.U.I.?

You got me.

Looks like we did.

[Laughter]

Carol's getting Merc's job.

I'm not good with secrets.

Are you serious?

Please, you cannot repeat this.

Wait. So it's not Castor Soto?

Hmm?

No, I've never met him. But come on!

[Laughing] Castor Soto!

What a coup.

I spent a night here with Rob.

What night?

Wednesday.

Oh!

Gah! Oh-h-h!

[Typewriter clicking, bell chimes]

[Wind whistling]

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[g*nsh*t]

You... you slept with Rob?

Yes.

You "slept with him" slept with him?

I... I...

Did.

You only dated him, what... twice?

Right, twice.

So, on 50% of your dates, you slept with Rob.

Or you... you could say I only slept with him on half our dates.

Wow.

What?

Nothing. I just...

I never thought of you as...

What?

Easy.

[Scoffs] Easy?

Well, you wouldn't sleep with me until our fifth date.

You were married.

So are we!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Do not go there.

You categorically told me we were over.

Right.

In fact, the night that Rob and I...

N... n... n... n...

I actually called and asked if you wanted me to cancel my date.

And what did you say?

"Go. Go."

I meant "go on a date," not "go f*ck him"!

[Stammers]

Oh...

God!

Why did you have to tell me?

Would you rather I'd lied?

Maybe.

Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't think you'd want to sleep in the same bed...

Oh, believe me... we are not sleeping in this bed.

Yaah!

Ugh!

So where are we gonna sleep?

Don't know. Maybe I should just go home.

No. You are home.

And we're not spending our first night back together apart.

Look, I'm hating this as much as you are...

Uh-huh.

But we've got to move forward.

What's done is done.

You slept with Morning. I slept with Rob.

And Matt.

[Scoffs]

We're still counting that?

Oh, it counts.

You were with two people.

I was only with one.

True, but I slept with two people only once.

You were with one person twice, so, in effect... apples to apples...

I think we're even.

And I think your maths only works if you're f*cking the apples.

Look, I'm just trying to help us get through this.

How? How can I get through this?

Maybe if he wasn't so handsome...

Which one?

Both.

How can I compete with that?

You had a world-famous TV star and a hunk that drives a truck.

He drives a truck.

[Chuckles]

Well, Morning's no slouch.

Ah. She's probably twice as old as both your guys.

Even so, that body, those big tits... oh, you did very well, my friend.

I suppose.

You did.

And now it's time to put all that behind us.

We agreed... fresh start.

Fresh start.

Right?

Clean slate.

Clean slate.

[Groans]

What? What are you thinking about?

Your dirty slate.

[Grumbles]

[Ringtone plays]

Yo.

Matt, I just got off the phone with Diane's lawyer.

Oh, f*ck.

He told me about the D.U.I.

The D.U.I. with the kids in the car.

Got to say, didn't see that coming.

It's bullshit. I was so not drunk.

Believe me... I've driven drunk.

I know the difference.

I hope you told the cops that.

Did you have any alcohol at all?

Like two glasses of champagne, three tops.

And the boys were in the car?

Does it help that I was taking them to Disneyland?

It does not.

[Sighs]

So, what do we do about Diane?

I have no idea.

You have no idea? You're my lawyer.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking of leaving the law... starting a zoo.

Because I seem to have discovered the only animal in the known world that can actually f*ck itself.

Wow.

Please don't take this the wrong way, Matt, but you are the worst client I ever had, seriously.

I'd happily trade you for two Mel Gibsons and a Tiger Woods.

Jesus!

As far as the D.U.I., this is your first offense, amazingly, so we can probably get you off with a little community service.

As far as Diane, you're on your own.

[Sighs]

[Sawing]

Jesus!

Yep. The new guy's changing everything.

Time to get out the old résumés.

Well, I think that's premature.

I don't have a résumé.

How do you not have a résumé?

This is the only place I've ever worked.

Well, except for the summer after college.

I was one of the Snow Whites at Disneyland.

I never knew that.

I worked the graveyard shift.

Well, I think it's way too soon to start packing up our desks.

Come on. You know he's gonna bring in his own people.

No, we don't. We haven't even met him yet.

He might want to keep things intact.

Seriously? And not clean house?

He's throwing out Merc's toilet.

Mm.

Stop it.

We need to stay positive.

I have a good feeling about this.

You do?

I don't.

Well, I really do.

I am so f*cked.

No way this guy isn't gonna clean house.

Well, you haven't even met him yet.

I don't need to. It's what I would do.

But you're brilliant at your job.

Why wouldn't he want to keep you?

Because I'm brilliant at it.

[Sighs]

Okay, you know what you mean, but...

You never want someone who can do your job better than you can.

Why do you think I've got Andy and Myra?

Plus, if this guy finds out they offered me the job before him, forget it!

f*cked!

Normally, at this point, I would try and be encouraging...

Yeah, no point in that.

That's what I'm thinking.

How did this happen?

Last week, they're asking me to run the network, and tomorrow, I'm gonna be blowing guys just to get a job.

[Sighs]

Figuratively.

Of course.

For the record, I've never blown anyone for a job.

Impressive!

Mm-hmm.

Oh, wait.

There we go.

When I first started out, I gave a hand-job to the head of development at Nickelodeon.

Nickelodeon?!

He was an adult.

It's for kids, not run by kids.

Oh. Right.

[Laughing]

I suddenly had an image.

Yeah, like I'd jack off some 12-year-old for a job.

[Laughing]

I really don't think I would.

Good.

Unless it was like some amazing...

Stop talking.

Yeah, okay.

Good morning.

Hey.

How was the weekend?

All right.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Bullshit.

What's going on?

I'd really rather not discuss it.

Not discuss what?

When a person says he'd really rather not discuss it...

Is it about the show?

No.

So, then... ?

Believe it or not, some things are not your concern.

Well, tell me what it is, and I'll see if I agree.

Is it, like, something serious?

I'm not having this conversation.

Yeah, we are. Come on.

I care. Tell me.

No!

Okay, you're starting to freak me out.

Is it, like, cancer?

No, it is not cancer.

Well, I don't know.

Is it... is it Bev? Does she have...

No. No one has cancer!

Ed has cancer.

What?

It's okay.

You didn't know.

Jesus Christ.

What is going on?

She slept with Rob.

Who?

Bev, my wife.

No, I know who Bev is. Who's Rob?

Morning's brother.

With the truck.

What truck?

He had a truck!

Anyway, last week, before we got back together, she slept with him.

No sh*t?

And she told you?

To her credit, she felt we needed to be honest.

What, is she stupid?

And this was gonna be your big, like, "finally back together" weekend?

Yeah.

For fans of irony, it's a real treat.

Man.

I figured you two would be f*cking like bunnies.

More like bunnies with awkward silences and sullen looks.

I actually slept on the sofa.

Seriously?

Well, I don't want to sleep in her bed.

She doesn't want to sleep in mine.

That's not good for the bunnies.

No.

I'm sure, eventually, we'll get past this, but oh, my God!

I was so not prepared for something else I had to get past.

I mean, it would be one thing if he was the only one.

Christ. Who else?

Yes, yes.

We all love the draft.

You are so good.

Wow. Thank you.

We really don't even have any notes.

I think you just became my favorite network.

[Laughter]

Just a few tone questions.

O-kay.

We're a little concerned that the characters all seem a bit too... angry.

Oh...

Well, it... it's called "Angry Men," so...

No, I know, and we love it.

Mm.

[Drilling, hammering]

Shouldn't we maybe wait till the new guy starts and see what he thinks?

I think we want to make sure he's seeing the best possible version of this.

Maybe this is the best possible version.

It's not.

[Tools clattering]

I'm gonna k*ll somebody.

Phew. Thought that was just happening in my head.

[Chuckles]

Excuse me a moment.

[Hammering, sawing]

Okay, stop!

Stop!

[Inhales deeply] I know you have jobs to do, but so do we, and it's just... it's... it's impossible!

Seriously! Enough!

How many f*cking bookshelves does this guy need?!

It's true. I heard he can't even read.

[Chuckles]

No one told us you were coming in today.

I'd have prepared a more embarrassing way to meet you.

I don't know. You set the bar pretty high.

Oh. [Laughs nervously]

That's funny.

I'm Carol...

Rance. I know.

I just came in to look at the space.

How are you with decorating?

Uh, try me.

Okay.

When you were thinking of taking this job, where were you gonna put your desk?

Uh...

I always thought here.

So you could see the view... plus it's more convenient for jumping.

Clearly, you've given this some thought.

I have.

Just so you know...

Mm.

The reason I didn't take the job is, I really think I'm at my best when I'm supporting someone else.

I'm a great number two.

Yeah, I don't want a great number two.

Sure.

I get that.

I want a partner.

[Door knocker bangs]

Hey, Mertala. Is she here?

Diane: Who is it?!

It's Mr. Matt!

Tell him to go the f*ck away!

That's what she says.

I just want to talk to you for a minute!

Tell him, no, he's an assh*le.

That, too.

Don't even start.

I didn't say anything yet.

I know what you're gonna say.

No, you don't.

Bullshit. First, you'll deny it.

Then you'll lie about it.

Then you'll say you're sorry and swear it'll never, ever, ever happen again.

Then [Gasps] it happens again.

You're making my sauce?

I'm making sauce.

Put the butter in yet?

No, 'cause it's not your sauce.

It's better with the butter.

I'm not putting your f*cking butter in.

Hey, I get it. You're mad.

But don't blame the butter.

Look, this whole D.U.I. thing is bullshit.

You were arrested for driving drunk with our kids in the car.

Well, when you say it like that, yeah, it sounds terrible.

I had a couple glasses of champagne.

You tell me you never had a few drinks and then drove the kids?

I know you did. You just never got caught.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

I haven't had a drink in six weeks.

Why?

Somebody's got to be a grown-up, and clearly, it's not you.

Uh... grown-ups drink.

I've been seeing someone.

[Sizzling]

Like...

A shrink?

Like a guy.

Who?

You don't know him.

And he doesn't drink?

He's been sober for 15 years.

Sounds horrible.

Wait. Is that whose car is out front?

Yeah.

I'm on a waiting list for one of those.

How'd he get it?

He's a dealer.

dr*gs?

Cars.

assh*le.

So, where is he?

He took the boys for a bike ride.

He's alone with the boys?

So?

So you're giving me sh*t about my parenting skills, and some total stranger is off with...

He's not a total stranger.

Yeah? Well, how well do you know this guy? How well?

Well enough that we're getting married.

That's... pretty damn well.

So, when you say you want a partner...

Yeah, that's not exactly true.

I don't want a partner.

Ah.

I want you as my partner.

I've heard good things.

I want to find out if they're true.

If they're good, they're definitely true.

[Laughs nervously]

What scares you most?

Don't think. Just answer.

Bees.

You know what scares me? Mediocrity.

Safe choices, hedged bets, a willingness to settle for the easy and familiar.

[Clears throat]

I would really like to take back "bees."

Geez. Married?

I didn't even know you were dating.

'Cause it's none of your business.

You don't tell me when you're screwing your stalker.

Hey, careful. They're starting to get too small.

Oh, right.

Mr. Big Balls.

I'm just saying, they're gonna dry out when you fry them.

I'm baking them.

Oh, you're k*lling me.

So, uh, how'd you get the kids not to tell me?

Really? They never mentioned Ollie?

Wait. This guy's Ollie?

They f*cking talk about Ollie all the time.

I thought they made him up.

What?

It's always like, "we went to the zoo with Ollie.

We built a fort with Ollie."

"Yeah, okay."

[Chuckles]

Nope. He's real.

And he's really all right?

No, I'm gonna marry some douchebag.

Uh, hello?

He's a good guy.

Well, he better be.

He is.

He's good with the boys. He likes my mother.

He likes your mother?

Sober?

Go figure.

Pain in the ass.

Well, you know, if I don't like him, this whole thing is off.

Right.

Seriously.

Okay.

Better, right?

[Chuckles] You know it's better.

Mmm, mmm. [Chuckles]

f*ck ratings.

I don't care about ratings.

Well, that's easy to say...

I don't. I don't care if we fail.

Failing's fine!

If we go down in flames, at least there were flames!

Wow.

If we're gonna do this, I want to do TV that's bold and thrilling and dangerous!

I can be dangerous.

I... I can.

You don't seem dangerous.

That's what makes me so dangerous.

[Tongue clicks]

I like you.

I like you, too.

I think you are so much more than you've been allowed to be.

Really?

You need to stop trying to please people.

Can you do that?

If that's what you want.

I don't think she's coming back.

Amazing. She gave you another chance?

You are an evil genius.

You're too kind.

And you're okay with her getting married again?

Yeah. Why not?

Your ex-wife ever remarry?

No.

I like to think she exhausted all her misery on me and then left the business.

So I'm guessing you don't miss her.

No.

I do miss my current wife.

Yeah, you guys are idiots.

Thank you.

So, what, you're just never gonna have sex again?

Probably not.

It's funny. You know, I never had a problem screwing in a bed where another guy's been.

You've never had a problem screwing in a woman where another guy's been.

You told him you were dangerous?

You're so non-dangerous.

I know!

[Both laugh]

But I swear, with him, I feel like I could be.

[Laughing] Mm-hmm.

There's something about him that's so dynamic.

This confidence...

I have not felt this excited about work in I don't know how long.

Dear God... exhale.

[Coughing]

Oh. Oh!

And let me tell you...

[Southern accent] ... is that boy easy on the eyes.

Don't.

[Normal voice] I know... don't do voices.

Thank you.

Seriously, he is hot. [Chuckles]

Obviously, I would never go there.

Please. You keep an apartment there.

Nope. Not gonna happen.

I'm happy just to be around him, to work with him, to learn from him.

He is amazing.

I hear myself talking to these people, and... they're listening to me.

I mean, really listening and nodding.

And no one seems to notice I'm so full of sh*t.

Like, this one woman was just eating it up.

And, on one hand, I felt relieved 'cause, you know, I was getting away with it.

But at the same time...

I felt such... contempt for her.

And then things started really getting bad.

The words I was saying didn't even sound like words anymore.

And then the walls started making that noise, and I just had to get out of there.

So I'm sitting in my car, and I'm just... [Breathes deeply]... just trying to breathe.

And it's like I'm...

I'm breathing ink.

And then I become the ink.

I'm like this me-shaped bag of black, viscous ink.

And even now, as I'm talking to you, I still feel... kind of gelatinous.

And I'm consumed with an unbearable self-loathing.

And I can hear the furniture whispering.

Maybe we should try adjusting your medication again.

Maybe.

[Door closes]

[Sniffs]

I'm guessing either Carol or Willie Nelson was here.

[Chuckling] That bad?

Not if you're in a reggae band.

[Chuckles]

So, listen, I, um...

I'm thinking of staying at my place tonight.

What? No.

I'll just open some windows.

It's not that.

I just think... it might be easier if I'm in my place.

Stop saying "your place."

This is your place.

Is it?

What are we doing?

Don't know.

There's no version of this that feels right.

[Doorbell rings]

Man: I'm looking for Sean or Beverly Lincoln?

Yes?

We got a delivery here.

Where do you want it?

You like it? They told me nobody's f*cked on it yet.

Oh, it's amazing!

It's brilliant!

Thank you.

Seriously, an evil genius.

Well, sleep tight, you guys.

Or don't.

Okay. Thank you.

Night-night. Thanks again!

Bye.

This is insane!

I know! Feel this!

Ha ha!

I'd rather feel this.

Clean slate, baby!

Clean slate!

No more ghosts.

No.

Bye-bye, Rob, with your big, stupid truck!

So long, Morning!

Don't let the door hit your tits on the way out!

See you around, Matt!

Don't trip on your... your giant d*ck!

[Both laugh]

Your... giant d*ck.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Both laugh]

I'm exhausted.

[Chuckles]

Long day.

Long week.

Very.

Oh, this does feel like heaven.

Should come with a warning...

"may cause drowsiness."

"Do not operate heavy machinery."

[Both chuckle]

Mm.

Anyway...

Yeah.

Mm. Fresh sheets.

Mm. Yeah, real fresh.

Well, sleep tight.

You too.

Night.

Night.

Love you.

Love you, too.