03x03 - Episode Three

What's done is done.

You slept with Morning.

I slept with Rob.

It would be one thing if he was the only one.

Christ. Who else?

Yes. Yes.

I don't care if we fail.

Failing's fine.

If we go down in flames, at least there were flames!

I'm happy just to be around him.

He is amazing.

No one seems to notice I'm so full of sh1t.

And I can hear the furniture whispering.

Maybe we should try adjusting your medication again.


[Knock on door]


Hey. Is now a good time?





You're still there.

Uh, yeah, I know.


I just...

I kind of need a little advice.


Career stuff.

I'm really bad at that sh1t, and I don't know who else to go to.

I swear it will just take like a minute.

A minute.



I feel like an asshole even talking about this.

But, you know, I'm just starting out, and I don't want to make a mistake and f*ck it all up.

Okay. Look.

First of all, you got to relax.

You're freaking yourself out here.


You think?

This is the good part.

You got a job.

You're on a show.

Enjoy it.

No. I know.

It's just... it's all this stuff coming at me.

What kind of stuff?

You know, like movie stuff.

Movie stuff?


I'm starting to get all these offers, like this big Michael Bay thing.

Michael Bay?


It's called "Tsunami."

Do you drown?


So what's your question for me?

Okay. Like, how do you know which ones to pick?

I mean, back when you were hot, you did a bunch of movies, right?


And it's not like you read them and thought, "Well, this is a piece of crap."

You thought they were gonna be good, you know?


It's scary, 'cause, like, you make a bunch of shitty ones, and suddenly they don't want you anymore.

You know what I mean.


I do not want to be 50 and still doing sitcoms.

Did you just point to me on "50"?


You think I'm 50?

You think I'm f*cking 50?!

No. I don't know how old you are.

Well, I'm not f*cking 50!

Dude, you look great.

I hope I look this good when I'm...

When you're what?

Say a number!


Your minute's up!

Minute's up!

Thank you.

This was great.

Open or closed?

Minute's up!

Woman: Carol Rance on 2!

Is it actually Carol or someone who's then gonna summon Carol?


I'm just saying, if she's got... if she's calling us, we shouldn't have to wait for her to pick up.

So I'm asking... is this actually Carol... on the phone?


Thank you.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, Carol.

Man: Hold for Carol.

Oh, I see.


Carol: Hey there.

Beverly: Hi.

So, I just got a call from Stoke's agent.

She's not happy.

Oh, no! Why?

Apparently, Stoke's been offered four days on some Michael Bay movie, but you guys won't let him out.

As I told her, it would totally mess up our schedule.

And while we always want to accommodate our little enemy of comedy, we're not prepared to rearrange everything just for Stoke.

That totally makes sense.

Thank you.

But I need you to do it anyway.


I'm sorry!

Stoke doing a hot movie can only be good for the show, and we need anything that's good for the show.


Thank you.

Also, today is Castor's first day, so better not to start with any "Pucks" drama.

How is it so far?

Oh, my God.

I can see his abs through his t-shirt.

Didn't we agree you weren't gonna go there?


You weren't sleeping with Merc for the last five years.

We're talking too fast, too damp...often farty.

Oh, God.

I miss good s*x.

I deserve good s*x, don't I?

No one more than you.

Oh. Sorry.

You deserve it, too.

Anything happening with you guys?

Uh, actually, we guys are... both here... on speaker.

Oh! Ha!

Hi, Sean!

Hello, Carol.




I'm sorry. She's my friend.

Friends talk.

I just don't understand.



See you guys later.

Yep. Yep.


They f*cking hate me.

I just don't understand this need to divulge the most intimate secrets of our relationship.

I mean, seriously.

That you would talk to Carol, of all people, about whether or not we're... when we don't even talk about it.

Maybe I talk to Carol because we don't talk about it.

Knock, knock!



Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

I hate it.

All righty.

Does that look like Weimaraner to you?

Does what look like Weimaraner?

The walls. What color is that?

Not Weimaraner?

Exactly. Assholes.

Don't ask me what color I want and then give me this.

Oh, I know. It's the worst.

I had my bathroom redone about a year ago, and I ordered these little glass tiles.

And when they came...

So, what's up?


Uh, I just wanted to say good night and make sure you survived your first day.

Barely. I'm just looking at last week's numbers. Jesus.

What happened to "It's not about the numbers"?

That was before I saw the numbers.

I'm so f*cked.

Okay. Tomorrow, 6:00 a.m., saddle up the troops.

I want everyone here.

No excuses.


6:00 a.m.?


What time do these pussies normally start?

Uh...the pussies normally start a little bit later.

But if you want 6:00, we will do 6:00.


I want to rip this whole goddamn schedule apart.

I want ideas. I want opinions.

Tell people I expect them to bring their truth.


I'm not sure everyone has truth.

Then they can bring bagels.

Hey, have you seen the call sheet?

Why am I doing night shoots if it's all interiors?


Um...Stoke is doing four days on a movie, so we kind of have to work around his schedule.

You're kidding me.

I have to work around that douche nozzle?

Afraid so.



Yeah, it's criminal.

Crime against humanity.

And he's getting movies?

Movies?! He can't act! He's...

Block of words. Negative acting space.

Talent vacuum.


I hate this goddamn business.

I don't blame you.

Who doesn't?

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah.

"Douche nozzle."


Yeah, it's the part of the douche that goes into the...

Got it.

You know, the nozzle.

Thank you.

Thank you.


Which one's Stoke again?

He plays Howie.

Is he the really good-looking one?

How do you know he's really good-looking?

Are you kidding?

He's a shitty enough actor.

He'd have to be.


Oh, Jesus.


It's Sean and Beverly's old assistant.

f*ck me.



It's Andrew... Andrew Lesley.

How are you?





So, new topic.

Why aren't you doing my pilot?


I'm doing this pilot... well, actually, two pilots and a screenplay for FOX.


I have so much on my plate, I need another plate.

Anyway, there's this one at NBC.

It's a drama.

I'm afraid I didn't even think of you for it.

That's okay.

I never think of you.

But then I saw you sitting here, and it was like, "How perfect would he be?"

Except I've already got a show.

Oh, what are you doing?

Uh, "Pucks"?

Is that still on?



Poor Sean and Bev.

I mean, back home, they're the flavor of the month.

Then they come here, and no one wants to eat them.

You know, speaking of eating...

Oh, absolutely.

I'll let you get back to it.

Looks scrummy.

But you're sure there's no way you can do my show?

You'd be so right for it.

I'm sure.

You're breaking my heart.

I'm heartbroken.

Mm, mm, mm!

Maybe just give it a read.

No. That's okay.

Oh, come on.

Just for sh1ts and giggles.

I promise you'll love it.

Anyway, bon app├ętit.

Okay. Let's talk.


You were right.

If we're having a problem... fornicationally, then we should discuss it.

I'd like that.


[Clears throat]

You first.

All right.

Well, obviously, the fact that we haven't had s*x since we got back together is troubling for both of us.


Over the last few months, we have both made choices... fornicationally that are difficult to recover from.

Already regretting that word.

We both have, uh... ghosts to contend with.

I feel like you're about to snap that wine stem.

Could happen.


So I see two choices.


One, we never have s*x again.

Please let two be better.

Seriously, put down the glass.

Two, we suck it up and power through.

Oh, yeah.

We've got to get over this.

Yes. Well, it's a lot easier for you to get over it.

I've got to get up and over it, if you know what I mean.

I do know what you mean.

No offense, but physiologically, I'm the one who has to deliver the goods.

All you have to do is lie there.

Just lie there?

No. No. No. That's not what I...

If that's the case, I-I don't know why you even bother waking me up.

By the way...this is why I don't like to talk.


All I'm saying is...

Keep going.

All I'm saying is when you've got other people in your head, it's a distraction.

When I've got them, it's pretty much game over.

I get it, but those people are always gonna be in there.

We can't unfuck them, as your friend Matt would say.

When did he say that?

You don't want to know.


[Clears throat]

So we just have to do everything in our power to make each other forget them.

For example...


"Just lie there."

I should never say anything.

Good idea.

What are you reading?

That asshole's script.


So I can tell Sean and Beverly how shitty it is.


It's f*cking brilliant.


Guess sometimes assholes don't make sh1t.


I like you.

I hate my dick.

Don't say that.

If this were a movie, my dick would be the villain.

He's the best friend that just abandons the hero.

If this were a movie, your dick would totally come through for you in the end.

When? The movie's almost over.

No, it's not. You'll see.

Oh, he'll be there for you.

He's just creating... dramatic tension.

Because I'm not tense enough?

Just wait.

When everyone has written your dick off, suddenly there he'll be... coming over the hill.

My dick is coming over a hill?

Mm-hmm. With reinforcements.

So it's not just him.


There are many dicks...


...coming over this hill.


How will I know which one's mine?

Oh, you'll know.

Yours...is the one riding in front.

So these are equestrian dicks?

Apparently so.

And they ride to your rescue, tall in the saddle, and there is much celebrating, with... erections and orgasms and a big festival of...



I am so not seeing this movie.


Are you sure he said 6:00 a.m.?

That's what he said.

I got caught speeding 'cause I was afraid I was gonna be late.


I canceled a dentist appointment.

I want to get veneers.

Let's see.



How long do we have to sit here?

I don't know what to tell you.


What did you say?

What did you say?

You got to get me this.

I'm an agent.

I'm not a magician.

Come on. It's f*cking amazing.

Have you read it?

Yeah. Everybody's read it.

That's why everybody wants to do it.

Yeah. Well, he said he wants me.

It doesn't matter what he wants.

You're on a show.

I'll quit.

You can't quit.

I could quit.

You have a contract.

f*ck the contract.

You can't f*ck the contract.

It's unfuckable, like a Disney character.

So what am I supposed to do?

You smile and cash your check.

That's what you do.

They're paying you a shitload of money.

So I'll give them back the money.

You never give back the money!




"Pucks," uh, isn't gonna last forever.

Then we'll find you something great.

I promise.

It's all good. All right?


All right.

All right. I love you, bud.

f*cking actors.

Still here.

I knew that.

f*ck me.

Still here.



Matt: Hey. Uh, you guys got a sec?

What's up?


I got a favor.

Sure. Anything.


First, what is it?


What is it?

Kill me.

I'm sorry. What?

You got to kill Lyman. Please.


Sorry. What do you mean?

I got to get off the show.

I'm sorry.

I can't quit. But if you kill me...

We can't kill you.

Sure, you can. You created me.

Don't you think if we could kill you, we'd have done it by now?

There's this pilot at NBC.

It's f*cking genius.

It's a one-hour like nothing I've ever done before, and I know I could play the sh1t out of this guy.

But I can't do it if I'm doing this, and you're barely even using me now.

Please? Just think about it.


I don't know.

Kill Lyman?

Can't imagine the network going for it.

At least find out?

Isn't this a little premature?

Has NBC even offered it to you?

No, but the writer really wants me.

Oh. Who's the writer?

Uh...I'm not sure.

This genius writer wants you for the role of a lifetime, but you're not sure.


Andrew Lesley.

Sorry. What?

Andrew Lesley?

Our Andrew Lesley?


You want to leave us... to do a show with Andrew f*cking Lesley?

Look, I-I know. I know.

But his script is amazing.

My ears are bleeding.

How did this even happen?

Were you at some party with him and Hitler and the Manson family?

No. No. He came up to me at a restaurant.

The bloody nerve.

Trying to poach you from us.

And that you would even consider...

That little sh1t weasel, with his stupid...scarves and his obsequious mewling.

Even when he first started working for us...

"Bev, darling!

Can I get you a little cappuccino?

How do you like your foam?"


Hey, do you think I like coming to you guys like this?

But just read it.

You'll see.

Oh, my God.

Are you actually asking us to read that douche nozzle's script?


You expect us to validate his wonderfulness?!

I just...

Of all the appalling, offensive, truly galling things you have done in the short time that we have known you...

So you have no self-awareness!

Hit him harder!

All right!

No, my friend.

We will not kill you off for Andrew Lesley.

It's bad enough you wrecked our little show by grafting a hockey stick onto it.

You do not get to walk away.

You will stay here in the sh1t with the rest of us.

[Knock on door]

Carol: Morning!

So, uh, we missed you yesterday.


6:00 a.m.?

Saddle up the troops?


Yep. [Chuckles]

Everybody was here.

They all brought their truth.

Jesus. Right.

Uh, I, uh...

Yeah, I should have called, but... but I, uh...



I had to put my dog down.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. It was pretty horrible.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know you had a dog.

Yeah. He was a...Weimaraner.

I've had him since I was like 12.


How old was he?



I've never heard of a dog living that long.

Well, now you have.

What was wrong with him?

He was f*cking old.


Do you have any other pets?

No. Just the, uh, dog.


Yeah. Wow.

Now he's gone, and it's just me, alone.

Gonna come home tonight to nobody.


I'm all alone.

I'm so alone.

Oh, you're not alone.

I said I'm alone!


Now I've lost count, and I've got to start all over again.

You know...

Sometimes it's nice to have a little alone time... soak in a tub, finish that Stephen King book.

Please stop talking.



No. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I know you are.



Okay. Do me a favor.

Get me everyone's name who was there yesterday.

I want to apologize to them personally.

That's so not necessary.

No, no. They deserve that.

They're good people.

Well, all right. Great.

And we'll just reschedule.

When do you want to do it?



I want to do it right now.

I don't know if everyone's available.

Then we'll do it ourselves.

We don't need them.

f*ck them. f*ck them!

Okay. Consider them f*cked.


Knock, knock.


So, Matt just told me about wanting to leave the show.

He's not going anywhere.

I hope not.

I can't imagine it without him.

Good, 'cause you won't have to.


But say it does come to that.

God forbid.

Which it's not going to.

No. I know. But say it does.

I just want you guys to know...

I can skate.


I could totally coach that team.

I could play his part in my sleep.

Are you suggesting you replace Matt?

It could totally work!

You'd get a ton of stories from it.

The librarian becomes the coach?

I'd watch that.


Well, uh, why don't you let us discuss this?


And... just saying...

I think it makes a strong feminist statement having a female coach.

Plus, imagine these on ice.

All right.

Let's do some damage here.


Monday, 8:00.

"Pucks." Bye-bye!


Um...Can we back up to 8:00 for a sec?

What are you doing? What...


I like "Pucks."


I'm sorry.

I know it doesn't reinvent the wheel.

But I believe in these writers, and the show has never gotten a fair shake.

I say we give it one more chance.

That's my truth.

And it never got a fair shake why?

Because it's... it's opposite that stupid talking dog.

Anything against it is gonna get buried.

Explain to me why that's a hit.

Seriously, what the f*ck?

So it's a dog that talks.

It says funny things.

[Sighs] I so shouldn't be in this business.

I look at that show.

I think it's insipid.

It doesn't make me laugh.

I don't even like dogs.

Except, obviously, for...



[Indistinct conversations]

Hey. We have to talk.


No. It's good.

Really good.

You slept with him.

Who? Oh!

No, no.



But it's still good.

Castor wanted to cancel "Pucks."

Oh, my God.

Wait. Wait.

Before you freak out...

I managed to talk him out of it.

And we're moving the show to a new night so you're not opposite the talking dog.



Oh. Great.

No, no, no. It's a good thing.

And not like sometimes when I say it's a good thing.

It's actually a good thing.



It's just...

Sean and I are having a very tough time with it.

We would do so much better if the show went away and we could go home, where there aren't as many... ghosts.

So you could just, like, pack up and go home?

Seriously. Without looking back.






I just...

I guess I just didn't realize there was so little here for... but that's fine. Really.

I get it.


I just... I would have thought that there were... there were...things, people.

But clearly...

You know, I don't even like "Pucks" that much.

I just did this for you.

What's going on?

[Clears throat]

Castor wanted to cancel "Pucks."


It's okay. Relax.

I talked him out of it.

You... Jesus Christ.

You talked him out of it?!

God damn it. f*ck you, Carol!

At least he knew your name.

What just happened?

Castor wants to cancel "Pucks."

Carol convinced him not to.

They're gonna try us on a different night so we're not opposite the dog.

Oh, my God! That's fantastic!

You're amazing!

Thank you so much!

Too late!