03x09 - Episode Nine

Just got off with NBC. Guess what.

You don't have to audition.

No sh1t?

You just have to go in and meet.

And I don't have to read?

And you don't have to read.

All right.

I'm thinking it's time to stop taking the meds.

It would be a huge mistake to stop now.

I cannot stress this enough.

Aah!

This script isn't going to you.

It isn't going to FOX.

The only place it's going is in our suitcase home.

Okay.

You don't pursue it behind our backs.

It's over.

Oh, my God.

This one found a winner.

I read it last night.

I don't want to even shoot a pilot.

I want to go straight to series.

How soon can they start?

Carol: Hey, kids.

Hello.

This is a nice surprise.

So, this is where the magic happens.

Happened.

[Laughs] Right.

Apparently, nobody wanted to see our tricks.

[Laughs]

Anyway, while I've got you... and don't bite my head off...

This better not be going where I think it's going.

I just want to have a conversation.

Right.

And what happened to the conversation where we agreed we would never, ever have this conversation?

That was before Castor saw your script.

Oh. He "saw" it!

[High-pitched voice] I swear! I didn't show it to him!

That's the octave you usually lie in.

[Normal voice] Honest.

He was snooping around my desk.

He saw it and read it, and... hello!... he loved it.

Really?

Loved it.

Of all the things I've shown him, it's the only one he wants to do.

So you did show it to him.

Oh, so what?

[Sighs]

I had to!

My job is on the line!

He hates everything.

Your thing?

He doesn't even want to shoot a pilot.

He wants to go straight to series.

I like the sound of that.

I don't.

That just means we get to skip limbo and go straight to hell.

Okay. How about this?

What if we just buy the show from you?

We'll hire someone else to run it.

You won't even have to be here.

No. No, no. It's our show.

If anyone's gonna run it, it'll be us.

Well, you know I'd love that.

Forget it!

We're going home.

To do what?

What are you gonna do when you get there?

Try to get another show on?

And even if you do, you'll make, what, six episodes of something no one will ever see?

Well, England.

Exactly.

So, are just supposed to ignore the disaster of the last 10 months?

We finally got out of this one.

I am not going back into the burning building.

I don't care.

Let the f*cking cat die.

Where are you?

I don't know.

Maybe it could be different with a different show.

Mm.

I think it's like tossing those rings at the fun fair.

Each time, you're so sure you'll get it.

Right.

But, believe me, you're not gonna walk away with a stuffed giraffe here.

You just have to walk away.

I want a giraffe.

[Chuckles]

I know you do.

And in this town, if you can win a giraffe...

Right, but [sighs] this town... it's no good for us. It nearly did us in.

That is true.

We've worked so hard to get back to a good place.

And it's a very good place.

We do so much better at home.

I agree.

[Chuckles]

Thank you.

Mmm.

Is that a giraffe?

It just may be.

[Chuckles]

I've been trying to get you.

Oh, shoot. My phone was off.

Why?

I was getting waxed.

If it rings, it startles her, and then... blgggh!

What's going on?

Castor called a big meeting.

For when?

20 minutes ago.

What?!

It was totally last minute.

Everyone's already in there, even Elliot.

Elliot's here?!

Mm-hmm.

Jesus Christ!

But it's not just us.

All network TV is...

[Chuckles] So sorry.

I didn't know.

Keep going.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Book thuds]

Where was I?

Uh, "All network TV is..."

Right.

Dying.

Network TV is dying.

Every year, our ratings get lower.

Cable is killing us.

The internet is killing us.

We're canceling shows at an unprecedented rate.

And what do we do?

We sit around with our heads up our asses saying, "I don't smell anything. Do you?"

We put out a product that's predictable and stale, and we wonder why no one's watching.

So now that you've depressed the sh1t out of us, what would you do?

Okay. We need to look at the big picture.

We need to make bold moves, change the paradigm.

What's the hottest thing right now?

Kardashians.

Zombies!

Close.

Why are we so obsessed with zombies?

They're scary.

Right! Why?

'Cause they're zombies?

They're scary 'cause they're unpredictable!

Yes!

You never know when they're going to attack.

That's what I want.

You want to do a zombie show?

You know, there are actually a couple of really strong zombie scripts.

No! Christ!

I'm not saying we do zombies. I'm saying we become zombies.

All righty. [Chuckles]

We need to be unexpected, startling, dangerous!

And how do you propose we do that?

All right.

Start by throwing away the "when."

"When's the show on?"

Doesn't matter.

We're living in a world where your TV is becoming your computer is becoming your iPad is becoming your phone.

When the show's on is irrelevant.

You don't go, "When's that YouTube video on?"

It's just on.

So, forget the when.

Forget "nights" and "time slots" and "lead-ins."

So, how are people supposed to know when...

Forget the when!

[Chuckles nervously] What... what when?

What I mean is, how will they know what's on?

They won't.

That's the beauty!

We've got to escape the tyranny of the schedule.

Get rid of all of it!

[Grunting]

Jesus.

Didn't see that coming.

From now on, we program anything at any time.

Comedy, drama, reality... mix it the f*ck up.

Maybe one night, four hours all about bees!

Bees?

Bees!

The next day, people will be all, "Did you see that f*cking thing about the bees?"

The sheer balls of it!

Uh, help me out here.

What are the bees doing?

Are they funny bees?

Are they killer bees?

Do they have a talent?

I don't know. Who gives a sh1t?

They're bees. They'll do whatever bees do.

The point is, people are gonna tune in to find out what the hell we're doing next.

It's total water cooler.

Oh! And everything's live.

The bees are live?

Maybe!

How f*cking great would that be?

[Whimpers]

People, we got to throw away the rules.

Like, who says one show has to end before another one can start?

How do you... Wait. What now?

Okay, say you're in the middle of some cooking show.

This woman's cooking and cooking, and all of a sudden, the bad guy from one of our dramas runs in with a f*cking gun and holds her f*cking hostage!

Meanwhile, she has no idea what the f*ck is happening!

The actual woman from the cooking show doesn't know?

Right! She's like, "Aah! What the f*ck is happening?!"

And people are tweeting and twittering...

"You got to watch this! Turn it on! Turn it on!"

Then, one of the cops from the drama runs in and shoots him... I mean, actually shoots him.

We're shooting one of our actors?

So we'll have to pay him more.

You know there are actors who will do it.

So we shoot him, then the police run in... the real police... and it's news.

Then we cut to our news guy.

That's when our news show starts.

We make the news, then we report the news, and no one's gonna report it before us because we're the only ones who know what's going to happen.

It's TV for a new century.

And that's why they're gonna watch us and not the other guys.

How about that, my zombies?!

[Breathing heavily]

So he was crazy.

Yeah.

Hey, Matt.

Berta Nissick.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Actually, we've met before.

I was the junior junior casting person on "Married with Children."

Oh, wow.

Oh, you probably don't remember, but you hit on me at the wrap party.

[Chuckles]

Okay.

So, this should be fun.

I'm gonna read with you.

So if there's anything you want me to do or don't want me to do...

Wait. What?

What?

Uh, [chuckles] I'm not reading.

What?

No, my agent spoke to someone, and it was absolutely understood that it's just a meeting.

Ah. Um...

Well, that's not the information we got.

[Chuckles]

Andrew and the execs are in there, waiting for you to read.

Well, that's not happening.

Okay.

Um, just give me a sec.

[Clicks tongue]

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, I'm calling my agent.

Good. Good, good, good.

[Chuckling] Yeah.

Hey, it's Matt LeBlanc.

Is he there?

Can you reach him?

No, no. I need him now.

'Cause I'm at f*cking NBC, about to go into a f*cking meeting, and they think I'm f*cking reading, which I am f*cking not!

Listen, as soon as you hear from him, you have him call me on my cell.

Monsieur LeBlanc, what a clusterfuck.

We were told you were going to read.

No. The whole deal was I'm not gonna read.

But then we heard that you were.

No.

[Scoffs]

How does this happen?

I don't know.

It's mortifying. I am mortified.

I agree.

[Sighs]

So, what do we do?

I don't know. They're waiting.

You know, if it were just up to me, I would give you the part in a heartbeat, but it's the f*cking suits.

It's becoming a pissing match.

Okay, look, you know how much I love this thing.

But, no, I'm not reading.

In all fairness... and I probably shouldn't tell you this... there is another actor they're very keen on.

Who?

I can't say.

Can I?

No.

No?

No.

He came in yesterday, and he was fine in a totally boring way you'd expect if you knew who I was talking about.

[Imitates snoring]

[Laughs]

But if you don't read today, they're gonna give the part to him.

Plus, he's a lot cheaper than you.

A lot.

Please.

I beseech you.

[Sighs]

No. No.

I'm not gonna eat their sh1t.

Oh, come on!

We all have to eat sh1t now and then.

You just have to eat it until the show's a big hit... then they'll have to eat yours.

It's called "show business."

No. I'm sorry.

Good luck with the project.

So you just walked out?

Hey, at a certain point, someone has to say no to these assholes.

It's a very strange day when you're my hero.

So, do we know who the other guy is who's getting the part?

Nah.

They were just using that to get me to read.

There probably isn't even another guy.

Really?

Here's what's gonna happen.

Right now, they're telling each other they didn't want me in the first place.

Then they'll offer it to some big movie guy like Nicolas Cage, who you know isn't gonna do TV, but he'll jerk them around for a while, then come back and say [gasps] he won't do TV.

Then they'll go to, like, some big Broadway star who nobody's f*cking heard of, and he won't want to leave New York, which only makes them want him more.

So they'll offer to shoot it in New York, but then the Broadway guy will decide he doesn't want to do TV.

Then they'll just give it to Dylan McDermott.

And that's why I want to go home.

Right. But in the meantime, you're here.

So... To the three of us in what was, on the whole, a fairly shitty experience...

[Laughs]

[Cellphone rings]

Sorry.

Hold that thought.

You were up to "shitty experience."


Hello?

Sean, hi. It's Eileen.

Did Carol Rance offer you a series pick-up, no pilot?

Yes.

You've got to tell me these things.

Kim Sally heard about it.

She's willing to match it and kick in a big penalty.

What?

It's Eileen.

FOX is willing to offer us a series pick-up with a big penalty.

The penalty being we would have to do it.

Eileen, I'm sorry.

We said no to Carol, and it's no to Kim.

It's not gonna happen.

[Cellphone rings]

[Sighs] Unbelievable.

Hello.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi. I'm out to dinner. Can I call you back?

No.

No?

Elliot Salad read your script.

He really liked it.

He said it was the one sane thing Castor said.

I can't believe we're even having this conversation again.

It's Elliot Salad!

How do I say no to Elliot Salad?

I don't care. With croutons, but say it.

What's happening?

What's...

Elliot Salad read the script, and now he wants to do it.

She said...

I heard.

Put Bev on.

She wants to talk to you. Switch.

[Sighs] Seriously?

Bev, hi.

We haven't really gotten to know each other that well...

Or at all.

Okay, sure.

But can I just say, as your agent...

Our agent? She's our agent?

Kind of.

What about Stanley?

He's okay with it.

It's like waking up from a coma.

Bev, listen to me.

You've got two networks competing for you.

It's a big deal.

Not to me.

Put her back on.

Switch.

Jesus Christ.

Just put me on speaker.

You're on speaker.

All right.

What will it take to get you to stay here?

Name it. I will make it happen.

You want someone to bring you tea and crumpets every afternoon?

I will do it personally.

You... you need more rain?

We got machines for that.

What do you want?

Judi Dench?

There are ways to get her here.

What's she offering you?

Judi Dench, apparently.

For which part?

I think in general.

All right. Put me on speaker, too.

[Sighs]

Carol, hi. It's Eileen.

Carol: Hi, sweetie.

Kim is prepared to match whatever you're offering, and you know Kim.

Yeah, I know Kim.

She was my assistant for four years.

I don't care what Kim wants.

Elliot wants this to happen, so it is going to happen.

No, it's not going to happen.

Then hang up.

Just hang up. Hang the f*ck up.

We're hanging up.

Don't hang up. Don't hang up!

Don't hang up.

Bye.

Don't hang up!

Now turn them off. Enough with the f*cking phones.

Starting now, it's a no-phone dinner, yes?

Agreed.

Done.

[Cellphone ringtone plays]

Hang on a sec.

What's up?

You sitting down?

Yeah.

They blinked again.

Who blinked?

NBC.

Meaning?

You got the show.

[Breathes deeply]

Got to say, I am not going to miss this place.

Oh, I know.

Of all the rooms we've ever been in, this may be my least favorite.

And we've been in Anne Frank's house.

[Laughs]

Merc: [Laughs]

[Cockney accent] Look who's here.

It's fish and chips.

Bloody hell.

f*ck me.

Come here, you.

Really? Still?

Come here.

[Laughs]

[Normal voice] Ah!

Ah, you know, this is so weird.

I was just thinking about you two.

Why?

We got to make some more TV together.

[Laughing] Why would you say that?

I'll tell you what your problem is...

You need someone like me to run interference, keep the idiots out of your hair.

This may be my favorite moment so far.

I'm telling you... Someone's got to protect you from those assholes at the network.

Where were you when we met you?

[Laughs]

Unfortunately, we're heading back to London tomorrow.

Well, what about "Pucks"?

Over.

No! I loved that show.

Did you?

Well, at least that cocksucker LeBlanc's out of a job.

That's one good thing.

Actually, sorry to disappoint you, but he's starring in a big NBC pilot.

Really?

Mm, some drama. Supposed to be their hot new thing.

Oh.

Good for him.

All right, kitchen's done. What next?

Electric toothbrush with American plug?

Chuck it.

Consider it chucked.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, God.

The car's here already?

Hi.

I came to say goodbye.

And...

And nothing.

I just wanted to give you a hug before you go.

I'm sad.

I know.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

I really am.

Susan Sarandon read your script.

What?

What?

Oh, God. I wasn't gonna say it. It just popped out.

Let go of me.

Don't be mad.

She read it and really wants to do it.

Susan Sarandon.

I love Susan Sarandon.

And she loves the part.

She's never done a series.

She said this is what she's been waiting for.

Come on. Susan Sarandon.

Oh, please!

You know by the time they're done with us, it's not going to be Susan Sarandon.

She's just saying Susan Sarandon today.

Ooh, look... a carrot.

But once we're in, it's, "Oh, sorry."

"Susan can't do it. But you know who we can get?

"Someone shitty who's totally wrong for the part."

You watch... It'll end up being...

This cup.

She'll ring us up one day. [Nasally] "Hold for Carol."

And she'll be all... [Breathing heavily]

[As Carol] "You guys, guess what... The cup wants to do your show. This is huge. The cup turns down everything!"

[Normal voice] And we'll be, "Uh, the cup?"

And she'll say, [as Carol] "Seriously? You don't know the cup? From 'Where's My Saucer?' And 'Me and the Spoon.'"

[Normal voice] Yeah, and suddenly, we'll be doing a show starring a f*cking cup, who you just know is gonna want to make lots of very cuppy changes because it needs to make it its own.

[Sighs]

Did Susan say what she liked about it?

Oh!

[Doorbell rings]

[Cup thumps]

Hey. Came to say goodbye.

And that's all?

Uh, yeah.

You see?

[Door closes]

This is what saying goodbye looks like.

It's just saying goodbye...

No hidden agendas, no last-ditch efforts.

Susan Sarandon wants to do our show!

"Pucks"?

No, that other script.

Ooh. I worked with her. She's amazing.

If you could get Susan Sarandon...

We've got her.

Probably good you're going home.

[Sighs]

[Doorbell rings]

[Cup thuds]

sh1t. That's the car.

What are we forgetting?

Oh, good.

I'm so glad I caught you before you left.

Eileen: Hi, guys.

I've got big news.

CBS wants in.

That's three networks.

Well, only one is getting it.

CBS is guaranteeing them a killer time slot.

You don't have a killer time slot.

That's worth a lot.

I got them Susan Sarandon.

[Laughs]

Susan Sarandon's not doing television.

Thank you.

Mnh-mnh.

She's got three movies lined up.

What about Goldie Hawn?

Ooh!

She's great.

She's a client.

Stop casting.

[Cellphone rings]

Mm.

[Sighs]

Kim Sally from FOX.

Hi, honey.

I'm actually with them now.

Not with me.

I've also got Carol Rance here.

Kim wants to come over, too.

Beverly: No!

This is fun.

Don't worry.

I'll call back if anything changes.

Nothing is going to change.

[Telephone ringing]

Aren't you going to get that?

We never use that phone. It came with the house.

It's never rung the whole time we've been here.

We don't even know the number.

I'm sorry. I can not not answer a phone.

[Beeps]

Hello.

Man: Hi. I'm calling from CBS.

I have Les Moonves for Sean and Beverly.

Uh, Sean and Beverly are right here.

You're on with Les.

Hi. Is this Sean and Beverly?

Uh, it's Les Moon...

[All gasp]

We have a plane to catch.

Are you crazy?

I'll call him back and say we were disconnected.

You hung up on Les Moonves?

I'm calling Susan Sarandon.

How can we leave? Everybody wants us.

Which is why we should leave.

It's the perfect time.

What?

We have spent a year feeling absolutely powerless.

As soon as we say yes to one of those fuckers, we're right back there, but if we go now, with all of them fighting over us, that's as good as it gets in this town.

This is the giraffe.

Hey, your car's here. What should I tell him?

We're leaving.

Oh!

Really?

Should we, uh...

Get Les Moonves back on the phone because it was...

It was an accident.

f*ck 'em.

[Laughs]

Get out of here.

Mr. Salad!

I didn't know you were in town.

[Chuckles]

So I'm still getting hugs?

Why not?

As I recall, last time we spoke, you told me I could go f*ck myself with Castor Sotto's dick.

Ah, you fired me. I was a little hurt.

Water under the bridge.

Anyway, uh, be well.

Oh!

I heard about Matt LeBlanc getting that big pilot over at NBC.

What?

What? You didn't know?

Supposedly, they're building a whole night around it.

Are you kidding?

I got to say...

I was kind of surprised you'd let that happen.

I mean, not my business anymore, but how's that look?

He bombs with you guys, then gets a big hit across the street?

People get fired for that.

And it's NBC?

Mm-hmm.

Jesus.

Ah! Sorry I even mentioned it.

Elliot, hi.

Have we officially canceled "Pucks"?

Uh, no.

You sure?

The paperwork's still here on my desk.

Pick it up for six more.

Wait.

You want to pick up "Pucks"?

Today.

But... You hate "Pucks."

I hate NBC more.

[Indistinct conversations]

Monsieur LeBlanc!

Hey!

[Both chuckling]

How exciting. Our little adventure begins.

I know.

Very cool.

You are going to be so wonderful in this.

[Inhales deeply] I can already smell your Emmy.

[Sniffing] No, that was me.

[Both laugh]

[Cellphone ringtone plays]

Ugh. Hang on a second... Agent.

Hey, uh, can't talk right now.

Yeah, I'm already here.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

They can't do that. We were canceled.

What does "not officially" mean?

That's bullshit.

Okay, so what does that mean about this?

I don't care. I'm doing it. They can't stop me.

Oh.

Beverly: How wonderful is this?

It's wet!

Remember wet?

Mm, and slippery, too.

I've missed every precarious inch of it.

Hard to believe that, yesterday, we were sitting in traffic on the 405.

Mm.

Oh, it's like waking up from some fever dream.

We're awake, and we're here.

And I love you.

Love you, too.

[Chuckles]

Mm. [Chuckles]

[Cellphone ringing]

It's an L.A. number.

Don't answer it.

Oh, dear God, don't answer it.

[Ringing continues]