04x06 - Episode Six

[bunniefuu]

Penzel stopped paying your taxes four years ago.

Bullshit. I signed the returns.

I signed the checks.

Then he shredded the returns, cashed the checks, and took the money.

I've been on with the IRS all morning.

How much?

7.9 million.

Jesus.

I thought I sensed a certain... between you and Helen.

Mm-hmm.

And the...

(mumbling) part?

Oh, well, obviously I've never seen one that close before.

Obviously.

I thought it'd be a little weird, but once you get down there, it's like, "Oh, I know you."

I feel like I haven't seen you in ages.

I know. It's crazy.

I haven't seen anybody.

So this thing with Helen is still...

Oh, my God, we are together literally, literally, literally...

Only need one.

...literally 24-7.

I can't remember the last time I slept in my own bed.

The only reason I'm here now is she had some breakfast thing.

Aww, flattering.

Hey, what can I say?

(French accent) Ze woman is into me.

(Normal voice) Oh, and yes, she still likes my voices.

Well, that makes no sense.

Oh, and... la, la, la. There.

Oh, pretty.

Isn't it?

She got us matching ones.

Matching?

After two weeks?

Actually, she gave it to me last week.

Aww. You're one link away from a chain g*ng.

Okay, fine, she's a little intense.

But I'd rather have that than some guy who doesn't even invite me to his son's bar mitzvah but wants me to blow him in his wife's wedding dress.

Merc?

Yeah.

Were you in the dress, or was he in the dress?

I was in the dress.

Oh, I wasn't clear.

Look, as long as you're happy.

Of course I'm happy.

Right?

Anyway, I'm here with you now, yeah?

So talk to me.

Well, thankfully our nightmare...

(Phone ringing)

...with Tim is final...

Hello? What do you mean she canceled?

It's Helen.

Mmm.

That's bullshit.

Please, she has, like, 18 nannies for that.

She said that to you? What did you say?

You did not.

I love it.

(Mocking) I love it.

That's perfect.

(Mocking) That's perfect.

Wait, sh*t.

I think I lost you. Hello? Hello?

Oh, okay, I'm hanging up now.

B-bye.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

I just couldn't get off.

No, of course not.

If only they'd invent a little button that ends a call.

Just let me quickly call her back.

Seriously?

Yeah.

So she knows I didn't fall off a cliff or something.

Or get pushed off.

Hello?

I know. I lost you.

Sorry.

Is this better?

Hello? Oh, sh**t.

I-I'm losing you again.

D-don't hang up. (Whistles)

This better?

Oh, okay, okay.

Say it again?

Exactly.

Well, she's her own worst enemy.

Hey, you guys.

Morning, Morning.

Hello.

I have been hearing such great things about your new show.

Have you?

Oh, that's so nice.

Word around town? Ah-ma-zing.

Well, I don't know about that.

Still lots of work to do.

I'm just so happy for you guys, seriously.

After going through something like this, you so deserve something like that.

Thank you.

Oh, that's very kind.

I haven't read it yet, but I heard everyone gets to play two parts?

That's the concept.

Brilliant, brilliant.

And what a gift to those actors.

Just so you know, it's not that we didn't think of you, but unfortunately, there's really nothing that you'd be right for.

We wish there were, but...

Oh, my God, you guys, I so didn't even go there.

Stop it, no.

Well, we wanted you to know.

Stop, please.

I just came over to say congrats.

And by the way, the last thing I need right now is another show, ugh.

I've got my sister's wedding coming up, and that's a... a whole other nightmare.

She's in a chair, so just figuring out the ramps...

So I've got that and... oh.

Well, congratulations, um, to your sister.

And as far as me not being right for your thing, I get it.

Hello? Makes total sense.

Of course, you really only know me from this, which is hardly the most...

But hey, I did my best here.

I don't make up the words.

But it's fine, really.

It's your show.

You know what you want.

Who am I to tell you?

Come on, you're the geniuses behind Pucks!

Right, well...

I just think it's fantastic they're even letting you do it.

I mean, after this, nobody's like, "You stunk up the joint."

Get out."

And with such a risky concept.

Everybody plays two parts?

Yeah, that won't get tired fast.

I'm totally kidding.

You know I only wish you good things.

We know you do.

Now go get 'em. Go, go, go.

(Under breath) Or go f*ck yourselves.

She might have got a little further away before she said it.

Mmm.

Hey.

Bite me.

(Phone ringing)

Ugh.

Yo.

It's Bob.

The two words I dread the most.

Just doing my job.

So we've got to talk about this IRS thing.

8 million isn't going away.

What happened to 7.9?

That was last week.

It's called interest.

Oh, Jesus.

So what do I do?

You do what I've been saying you should do.

What, the plane?

It's time.

I know I don't need a plane.

Did he really just say that?

But there's got to be some other way.

I'm telling you there's not.

Even that's not gonna cover it all.

Seriously?

It's a plane.

8 million.

We've got to look at the car collection, your father's condo, maybe the beach house.

Well, how much would I save if I fired you?

(Phone beeping)

I got another call.

Yo.

He's dying.

Who's dying?

Who do you think?

All right, cal... calm down. What happened?

It's his heart.

Is it bad?

No, I'm calling to say his heart is good.

All right.

Where are you?

I'm on my way.

What's wrong?

My father's had some kind of heart att*ck.

I got to go.

No way. A pity.

I'm so sorry.

I got a family emergency. I'm gonna have to take off.

Should we offer to go with him?

No. No.

What?

Uh, I was just saying if you want, we're happy to go with you.

That'd be great.

(Mouths word)

It's a sandwich, for Christ's sake.

They said not to eat.

Then why'd they give me a menu?

What do I look like, a doctor?

Get me a g*dd*mn sandwich.

What?

They said you can have ice chips.

Here. Suck these.

You suck 'em.

You said he was dying.

I will if I don't get a sandwich.

He looks okay to me.

Oh, what, so now you're a doctor?

I'm fine.

You're not fine.

I am telling you he's gonna leave here in a box.

Jesus.

Maybe we should wait in the hall.

Who are they?

We've actually met. Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

They're my writers.

What the hell do you need writers for?

You're in a hospital.

We're here for support.

So far you're doing great.

So what the hell happened?

He collapsed over breakfast.

That's what happened.

"Collapsed."

Well, what do you call it?

His face was down in his cream of wheat.

They had to rush him here in an ambulance.

Ooh, when I get out of here, I'm gonna get one of those sirens.

From the condo to here, ten minutes.

Yeah, so what did the doctor say?

He ran a bunch of tests.

We're waiting to hear.

More important, you've got to get us a better room.

What's wrong with this one?

You want to look at that all day?

H-hello.

Whatever he has, I don't want it.

Perhaps I'll just... give you a little privacy.

There we go.

You're the big sh*t.

Use your clout.

Yeah, talk to somebody.

What am I supposed to say?

Why don't you ask your writers?

Fine, I'll see what I can do.

So it's lovely to see you both again.

I just wish it were under better circumstances.

You don't have to talk.

All right.

So? Huh? Happy now?

What do you want, a parade?

Here we go. Comfy?

That's perfect.

Thank you, darling.

You are wonderful.

You're my guardian angel.

You are a gift from God.

Hide your watch.

By the way, I told her we'd get her a Friends picture.

Oh, we're gonna need a bunch.

Now they all want one.

Fine. I've got some in my car.

You keep Friends pictures in your car?

Judging? Really? Now?

Oh, and autographed.

Relax.

I already signed them.

What about the other five?

What?

No one wants just you.

Jesus, the ego. Ha!

f*ck me.

Come on.

What do you need us for?

You want to stay here?

Right, good point.

Right behind you.

Take a look. I did two different Jennifers.

This one's just a scrawl like, "I'm a big star.

I don't have time to sign."

Or this one, "Even though I am Jennifer Aniston, "I take the time to carefully write my name so you can read every letter."

Which do you think?

Mmm... I don't care.

You know what's k*lling him, don't you?

No, what?

You.

You're what's k*lling him.

Not the smoking for 70 years?

All I know is he was doing fine till he read about you and your money.

That's when the chest pains started.

He never said anything to me.

Of course not.

He's got pride.

He's got no pride.

You talking about me?

Mr. LeBlanc.

I'm Dr. Lillian. How are we feeling?

I'm feeling hungry.

How are you feeling?

Hey, doc, I'm Matt.

Yes, I know. My wife's going to be very jealous.

I'm serious, a cr*cker, anything.

So where are we?

Well, I wish we had better news.

There's definitely evidence of severe arterial blockage.

I knew it.

I'm recommending we perform a bypass.

It'll increase the flow of blood to his heart.

What number?

Double? Triple?

You hit the jackpot, quadruple.

Jesus.

Doctor, may I ask, where did you study?

University of Manitoba.

Oh, Manitoba.

So here's the plan.

We're trying to schedule you in for today.

I think it best not to wait.

I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything.

Okay, thanks, doctor.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, doctor. See you later.

Nice to meet you, yes.

God bless you.

Manitoba ain't cracking me open.

What's happening?

Hey. He's got to have surgery.

Oh, you're kidding.

So sorry.

Quadruple bypass.

And of course, now I have to find him a better surgeon.

What's wrong with the one they've got?

It's the one they've got.

I don't even know where to f*cking start.

What about your father? Maybe he can recommend someone.

Oh, right.

What kind of doctor is he?

Cardiac surgeon.

He's one of the top guys in London.

Thank you.

Well, he is.

Great. Call him. See who he likes.

Actually, as Bev knows, I'm extremely uncomfortable asking my father for anything.

Oh, that's fine, you don't have to be comfortable.

Just ask him.

Shh. He's resting.

Okay.

So listen.

While I've got you, I'm sure everything is going to be okay, and dad is going to come through with flying colors.

Uh-huh.

But in the unlikely event he doesn't, hypothetically, what the f*ck happens to me?

What?

Well, I have no protection, nothing in my name.

I need to know when he's dead I am not out on my ass.

I can hear you!

Rest, God damn it!

I want the condo.

You're not getting the condo.

What do you need it for?

'Cause he's got no money.

I'm t...

Excuse me, folks, I'm gonna have to ask you to take this conversation elsewhere.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I've been taking care of this man for 14 years.

I cook for him.

I clean for him.

You know I have to shake his pecker every time he pees?

That's just 'cause I like it.

I do all of that, and you're just gonna throw me out with the garbage?

Hey, don't give me that guilt sh*t.

You're not my mother.

You ungrateful prick.

Say something.

You know, I might not die.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

(Phone ringing)

This is Dr. Lincoln.

Dad?

Yes?

It's Sean.

Yes?

So how have you been?

Fine.

I'm fine as well.

Ah.

So I was actually calling for some medical advice.

Oh.

I need the name of a top cardiac surgeon in L.A..

For whom?

Matt LeBlanc's father.

Who?

Matt LeBlanc, the star of our show.

Never watched it.

Right, anyway, I was wondering if you could recommend someone.

His father needs a quadruple bypass.

Anyone can do that.

Yes, but they want the best.

You don't need the best for that.

Still, I'm making this call as a favor.

If you could just give me a name, humor me.

Oh, well, Krosnik thinks he's the best.

He's not.

So who is?

Ganverman's not great.

Okay.

Perlmutter used to be pretty good, but now he's all about his stupid book.

Just need a name.

Well, I just gave you three.

None of whom you recommend.

I'll say.

Hello?

Hi, honey.

You sound like you're at the airport.

If only.

I'm actually at the hospital.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Matt LeBlanc's father has to have heart surgery.

And you're there why?

You tell me.

You don't happen to know a good heart surgeon, do you?

Ooh, he should get the guy who did Merc.

I didn't know Merc had a heart.

Heh! Supposedly he's the best.

He did Larry King.

He did most of the Golden Girls.

And then I think he did Larry King again.

Hmm. Do you have a name?

Dr. Something. I don't know.

Just have Matt call Merc.

He can get him in.

Great.

So, uh, I kind of have an emergency.

Okay.

I need a pet name for Helen.

Right.

I think I heard about this on CNN.

Seriously.

It needs to be sweet and loving, and I need it fast.

And why do you have to give her one?

'Cause she gave me one.

Really? Pet names already?

I know.

It's like we're on some kind of accelerated lesbian calendar.

Like, three days is a week.

If I were a dog, I'd be dead by now.

Well, what does she call you?

Scrunchie.

Scrunchie?

(Laughing) Where did she get Scrunchie?

Because I wear this stupid scrunchie when I wash my face at night.

I'm her Scrunchie.

Aww.

I know. It's cute, right?

That's where the bar is.

Okay, calm down.

Everything I try out in my head sounds stupid.

Just give me something, anything.

That's not how it works.

It's got to evolve out of a moment.

It's got to be organic and... and playful and something that connects you two.

Ugh! You're no use to me.

Maybe there's a website or something.

Did you speak to him?

Oh.

It's like playing chess with Death if Death were cranky.

So? What did he say?

He gave me the name of three doctors he firmly doesn't recommend.

However, according to Carol, Merc Lapidus used the top guy in L.A..

She said to call Merc, and he can get you in.

Yeah, that's not happening.

What?

I'm not talking to that assh*le.

But you made me call my father.

Is he an assh*le?

Yes!

Really? Well, you should have said something.

Ugh.

So what about finding a doctor?

Screw it. We'll go with Manitoba.

It's all a crapshoot anyway.

I'm still not talking to you.

And I'm still grateful.

Come here.

What's going on?

She's prepping me.

Whoa.

Oh, relax, Mary.

Where do you think you came from?

Sweetheart, while you're down there, maybe get the balls?

There's no reason, sir.

Who needs a reason?

Anyways, this thing with you and Linda.

Why're you making it so hard?

Just tell her you'll take care of her.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Who gives a sh*t?

I'll be dead. Just get her off my back.

I don't need this now.

What, so you want me to lie to her?

Why not? You do it for a living.

Just tell her she'll be fine and imagine there's a laugh track.

Jesus.

Next topic.

Seriously?

I'm on the clock, here.

Fine. What?

That cocksucker who stole your money, is anything left?

None of your business.

Well, it's my business if you're gonna sell my condo.

You know I got nothing in the bank.

Well, whose fault is that?

I got to know. Just tell me.

Am I gonna have a place to come home to?

Yes.

Yes?

Yeah, I'm not selling the condo.

Promise?

I promise.

Liar.

It's what you just told me to do.

To her, not to me. Ow.

Try not to move, sir.

Great, so at 86, I'm circumcised.

Here you go. You like Friends.

Don't let him die in there.

Good luck, Mr. LeBlanc.

See you on the other side.

The other side?

That sounded more final than I meant.

Yeah, why not just tell him to go toward the light?

Hey, hey, did you ever get me a better doctor?

Yup.

Oh, sh*t.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Are you okay?

Yeah, there's just something. Mmm.

Oh, God.

Is that one of mine?

Unless it's been there for four months.

Oh, gross.

Come on.

It's just a little pubie.

What?

I'm gonna call you little pubie.

Uh, no, you're not.

Little pubie.

Stop.

I didn't get to vote on Scrunchie.

Oh, come on.

It's sweet. Pubie.

Worst pet name ever.

I know.

Scrunch?

Got to go.

Did I ever tell you my dad was in Korea?

Oh, wow.

No, not the w*r, the country.

Oh. Okay.

He just disappeared one day.

I'm, like, 14.

I go over to his apartment, and all his sh*t is gone, just f*cking gone.

Months later, we find out he's living in Korea.

Korea?

Why Korea?

He got involved with some kind of import-export thing.

Something shady.

When he finally came back, he's got this Korean girl, 17.

Jesus, 17.

Yup. Her name was, like, Pad Woon Sen.

That's actually a Vietnamese noodle dish.

Is it? Oh, yeah.

Well, something like that.

Before we get too far, may I ask, is this story going to be wildly r*cist?

Mmm, not wildly.

Okay, go on.

Anyway, Kung Pao Shrimp is living at his apartment.

Clearly we have different definitions for the word "wildly."

And by the way, she is hot.

Every time I go over there, she's, like, walking around in panties...

I'm sorry to interrupt again, but does this end with you f*cking your father's girlfriend?

Uh, let a story unfold maybe.

Sorry.

Anyway, yeah, I end up f*cking her.

So she's got me pinned up against the refrigerator, and I'm like, "Oh, my God," 'cause she's my first Korean.

Really? Not until you were 14?

I lived in Boston.

So right in the middle of it, guess who walks in?

Of course he does.

And he starts screaming, and she starts screaming, and he's, like, trying to pull her off of me.

But she's so tight, it's like getting one of those Garfield things off your car window?

Vivid.

Yeah. Next thing I know, he's got me on the ground, and he grabs this chopstick.

Of course it's a chopstick.

Oh, they were all over the place.

And he slams it into my arm.

Jesus.

I mean, into my arm, right down to the tendon.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, yeah.

So this thing is sticking out of my arm.

I'm bleeding like a son of a bitch, and all I can think is how much I want my father to f*cking die.

I was thinking about that today.

Be careful what you wish for.

Hey, where have you been?

Carol.

Don't even ask. Any news?

Nope. I'm starting to get a bad feeling.

This is taking too long.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

Why? He's been smoking since he was 11.

They probably opened him up and found a pack of Tareytons in there.

Yet you still smoke.

I decided today I'm quitting.

Really? Good for you.

Yeah.

Until you just said the word "smoke."

Now I got to have one.

(Phone ringing)

Yo.

It's Bob.

Good news.

I got a buyer for the plane.

Oh, Jesus. How much?

Almost six, which is a lot more than we thought we'd get.

Yeah, okay.

So we still need another two for the IRS.

Oh, come on.

We've talked about a couple options.

We can sell the car collection or your dad's condo.

Which way you want to go?

(Exhales)

Sell the cars.

Really? Not the condo?

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Hey, Dad.

I got to pee.

Oh, that's just the catheter.

And FYI, you are peeing.

Oh.

I'm sorry I can't shake it.

So I'm not dead.

Everything went great.

You'll be out in a week.

f*cking Manitoba.

Why are they still here?

I honestly do not know.

I want a sandwich.

No, no solid food.

Tomorrow maybe some broth.

f*ck broth.

Calm down.

When you get out of here, we'll celebrate, sandwiches, whatever you want.

I want a car.

What?

I want a new car.

Mine is six years old, and I want to celebrate with a new car.

I'm not getting you a car.

What is the matter with you?

The man almost d*ed.

If he wants a car, get him a car.

I'm not buying him a f*cking car.

All right.

What do you say we let the patient get some rest?

Why don't you give him one of yours? You have so many.

I don't want one of his.

And I don't got so many.

Shh.

You shh.

He's not supposed to get stressed.

Fine.

We'll let you rest.

A Panamera.

I'm not getting you a Panamera.

What, you should have one, but I can't have one?

I don't have a Panamera.

Maybe if you're nice, I'll let you borrow mine.

You're not getting a Panamera.

Cabriolet?

No.

I think we have all lost sight of the fact that today was a gift.

Shut up. You selfish bastard.

You're the worst son ever.

f*ck you.

Don't you f*ck her.

f*ck you.

f*ck you.

All right, all of you, enough.

This man has just come out of surgery.

Unless you want to send him back there, you'll speak to each other in civil tones or you'll leave the room.

(Civilly) f*ck you.

f*ck you. f*ck you. f*ck you.

That's better.

f*ck you.