01x03 - Father Knows Less

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hmm... bag feels a little light, Dad.

- Chips!

- Chips!

Chocolate chips.

It's good to be men.

Better to be living men.

Come on, Mom.

Manly food.

Come on, Cor.

Momly food.

Humor her.

She washes your underwear.

Aren't you going to cut these sandwiches?

No, no.

When men eat...

they like to feel a fistful of bread and meat...

not some crustless little triangle.

Yeah, Mom.

Last time you made us sandwiches...

all the truckers that passed us laughed...

and thought we were major nozzles.

I want to go see the Blue Angels.

These aren't angels from heaven, Morgan.

Yeah, these angels are from the Navy.

Me and Dad are gonna watch 'em do formations.

- I want to go with you.

- Ya do?

Cory.

Dad.

You know she can't sit still.

You know she's got an attention span of, like, two seconds.

Morgan?

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I got it.

Heather, I'm sorry.

Look, you wear a turtleneck...

no one's even gonna notice.

OK.

I sucked a neck.

Mrs.

Matthews, Leonard Spinelli.

I'm Mr.

Matthews' assistant manager.

Lenny, I know who you are.

You've had dinner here maybe twenty times.

Oh, well, I'm just never sure...

if I really make an impression on people.

Yeah, you do.

I tried phoning, repeatedly.

Did you know call waiting is only pennies a day?

Lenny alert.

Mr. Matthews, I'm very sorry...

to disturb you at home, especially on a Sunday.

Especially when you're spending time with your family.

Leonard Spinelli.

Lenny, I know who you are.

Oh, really?

Because I'm never really sure if...

Yeah.

You do.

Lenny, you came here.

I assume there's a point.

Right.

Mr. Matthews, if we move quickly...

I think we can contain this thing.

Oh, the horror!

Bottom line, Lenny.

Right, right.

oh, boy.

The bottom line is this.

You know that long shelf over the produce department...

that holds all those cases of Perrier?

Yeah.

- It doesn't do that anymore.

- It fell down?

"Fell down" would be one way of putting it.

Another way would be that the bottles crashed...

through those produce bins like they were eggshells...

and sent an imported French tidal wave...

all the way down aisle six.

What's on aisle six?

, packages of Alka Seltzer.

- Was anybody hurt?

- Hard to say.

Mr. Conklin was still fizzing when I left.

- I got to go.

- Dad...

Cory, I got to go.

I've got an effervescent produce manager.

Well, you got a warping son.

I'm not spending enough time with my dad.

You step out of this house...

I'm on my way to my first ballet lesson.

I'll promise you.

I'll make it up to you.

Hey, I promise.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Cory.

Cory.

Phillies are playing on the west coast...

and Schilling's going into the seventh inning...

with a no-hitter against the Dodgers.

You too tired to come down...

and watch the rest of the game with me?

What, are you new here?

The Phillies got a no-hitter going.

Want to come down watch the game with me and Cory?

I can't.

I'm...

I'm naked, and I'm taking a math test.

[BALLPARK ORGAN PLAYING]

Boy, you never see this on a menu.

They don't know good.

ANNOUNCER: Long fly baLL.

CouLd be the no-hitter.

No!

Dykstra puLLs it back over the waLL.

[BOTH GRUMBLING]

- I hear ya.

- Mmph!

Thanks for waking me up, Dad.

Hey, wouldn't be this much fun without you.

Uh, don't tell Mom.

Mom's not in on this?

No, no, no.

This is kind of a guy secret.

Well, a father-son bonding.

Your mother can never find out about this.

- Dad?

- Hmm?

This was as good as watching those navy planes any day.

MR. FEENY: All right, class, time's up.

Please pass your test papers to the front of your rows.

Mr. Minkus, this test didn't require an essay answer...

but how refreshing that you've chosen to include one.

Ahem.

Suck-up.

Future plumber.

Feels a C-minus short.

Ah, yes.

Here We are.

Huh?

Is the test over?

How'd I do?

- Looks like an "A." - I got an "A"?

No.

"A" is the only answer you put down...

before you slipped into the coma.

So, what did I get?

Well, you answered one question out of forty, and got it wrong.

So what grade do you think I'm going to give you?

Can it be found at the beginning of the word "fajita"?

Si.

senor.

Come on, Mr. Feeny.

I was up till after midnight.

Oh, and what earth-shattering event...

kept you up till that time of night?

A no-hitter.

You got to stay up and watch the game?

- With my dad.

- Cool.

Ah, baseball.

Silly me.

I thought you might've stayed up...

for something frivolous, like the announcement...

from Stockholm of the Nobel Prizes.

Biophysics...

Dr. Ira Soochek.

Medicine...

Dr. Lin Yi Pao.

Economics...

Professor Narwhal Fowab.

And I'm fresh as a daisy.

- Teacher's pet.

- Fix a sink.

- Hi, babe.

- Hi, Daddy.

I think he was talking to me.

Well, actually, it was a generic "babe"...

encompassing all of womanhood.

Oh, don't I feel special?

CoRY: Dad.

Dad!

We blew it.

Hey, I haven't seen you since breakfast.

Whatever it was, you blew it yourself.

I failed a test today just because I fell asleep.

I told Mr.

Feeny you and I were up past midnight...

watching this incredible no-hitter and...

and then I realized...

it was probably just an intensely vivid dream.

You kept him up that late on a school night?

Well, it may not have been me.

I think I saw some other father...

slurking around out there after midnight.

Midnight on a school night?

What were you thinking?

I was thinking that I don't spend enough time with my son.

I was thinking that I promised to make it up to him.

I was thinking I'd go have a talk with Mr.

Feeny.

Thank you.

I'll explain it to him, get him to let Cory take a make-up test.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Because until you do, you're grounded.

Does that really work?

Can she ground you?

In certain ways, yes.

All right, Dad.

The Dad-inator.

You're gonna crush Feeny like a grape.

- George.

- Alan.

Mr.

Feeny.

Mr. Matthews.

ALAN: I'd Like to taLk to you...

about that test my son failed today.

Of course, Alan.

I'm always available...

to discuss a student's progress or problems...

with an interested parent.

You see, it was my fault he fell asleep in class.

- I kept him up late last night.

- To watch a baseball game.

A no-hitter!

A piece of Phillies' history.

You know when the last one was?

May , .

Tommy Greene.

And do you want to know what happened June , ?

A perfect game.

Jim Bunning.

And what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?

Why would I fill my head with that junk?

Uh...

George, I had made plans with Cory yesterday...

and something came up.

I had to cancel.

I promised to make it up to him, so I got him out of bed...

last night for a little father-son bonding.

I see.

So, can he take a make-up test later this week?

Cory may not take a make-up test.

The "F" stands.

I thought you said you understood.

I believe I do understand, Alan.

But understanding and condoning...

are two entirely separate concepts.

So you're gonna fail a boy for spending time with his father?

In my years of teaching...

I have heard every excuse imaginable...

for why someone fails a test.

What's my excuse if somewhere down the line...

a child fails at something...

because I once abrogated my responsibility...

to impart knowledge?

I've got to listen to this every day.

- House.

- Gone.

Look, I don't understand...

why you're making a federal case out of this.

Maybe if you were entrusted...

with the education of sixth-graders every day...

you would understand what I'm talking about.

And maybe if you had a son...

and were trying to find time to spend with him...

in between your job...

and fixing the car, and insulating the attic...

you'd understand what I'm talking about.

But you don't have a son, George...

so how could you understand?

[ALAN SIGHS]

Well, we are obviously...

on opposite sides of the fence here.

Yes, we are.

Now, this conversation is over.

Aw, Dad.

You got Feened.

Ah, the conquering heroes return.

How did you do?

[WHISTLES]

[BOOM]

It was a very difficult conversation.

'Cause Feeny's a butt.

Hey, you don't call your teacher that.

Good teachers are a rare commodity in this world...

and George Feeny is a great teacher.

Why don't you go upstairs and get some tennis clothes on.

We'll go down to the "Y", hit some balls.

OK.

Feeny's a butt.

Alan.

I know what you're going to say.

No, you don't.

Oh, yes I do.

You're gonna say...

I'm a jerk for keeping my kid up half the night...

and then trying to weasel his teacher...

into making an exception to the rules.

That's not what I was going to say.

OK, what were you going to say?

Forks go on the left.

- That's it?

- No.

I know why you did what you did...

and I love you for wanting to spend more time with Cory...

but you can't just jerk his life around...

to...

to let yourself off the hook...

when you don't have time for him.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

ERIC: I'LL get it!

Mr. Matthews?

Leonard Spinelli.

- I work for your father.

- I know that, Lenny.

I see you at the store every day.

Look, you're the assistant manager.

I'm just a boxboy.

Why don't you call me Eric?

That would make me intensely uncomfortable.

I blanch at the thought.

Lenny, was there something you had to tell my dad?

Yes, there was.

Hence, I came here.

He's right in there.

Oh, God!

Hello, Lenny.

Mr. Matthews, I'm very sorry to disturb you at home...

especially after-hours.

Especially when you're giving mrs. Matthews...

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

- Why are you in my kitchen?

- There's a problem at the store.

Well, of course there's a problem at the store.

There's always a problem at the store.

That's why they hire a manager.

Can you tell me why they hire an assistant manager?

To tell the manager when there's a problem at the store?

No.

To assist the manager...

by taking care of the problem when he's not there.

I had no idea.

I apologize.

Forget I was here...

because this is a problem for the assistant manager.

There is no problem for you.

- Dad, you ready?

- Yes, I am.

I'm ready to play tennis with my son...

and bring him home early...

let him get a good night's rest, send him off to school...

and watch those As start rolling in.

And I am going back to the store...

to make sure we never again put the lighter fluid...

next to the rotisserie chickens.

Are we talking about a fire, Lenny?

Yeah, but there is no problem for you.

How much of the store is left?

St...

Cory...

Dad, it's oK, and you don't have...

to wake me up or anything later.

We'll play tennis some other time.

Is the fire out, Lenny?

Oh, yeah.

We contained the actual flameage.

Fine.

Wait for me in the car.

Yes, sir.

Miss Matthews, Leonard Spinelli.

I work for your father.

Lenny, we've been through this.

Cory, your mother just said something to me...

that made a lot of sense.

Don't you hate when she does that?

Yes, I do.

She pointed out to me that I'm angry...

at the wrong guy about your test.

Well, what other guy is there?

Mr. Feeny's the one who failed me.

No, I failed you.

I didn't do my job.

You're at the store all day.

How could you say you're not doing your job?

I didn't do my job as your father.

What?

Look, if it was up to me...

you wouldn't have to go to sleep at all.

You wouldn't have to go to school...

I wouldn't have to go to work...

and we could just spend all our time together.

And there's nothing that I'd rather do.

Then why don't we do that?

I don't know.

I guess the family's gotten used to eating.

Cory...

I shouldn't have kept you up late last night.

Mr. Feeny is right.

Uh-oh.

Don't sh**t, Mr. Feeny!

I'm just getting my tennis ball!

Good evening, Mr. Matthews.

Care to join me for a drink?

Uh..

sure.

Help yourself.

Hey!

This is apple juice!

Oh, gee, I must've left it in there too long.

Nice, uh...

What do you call this thing?

Hmm, a Christmas present from my sister.

She forgets that I only take...

the occasional glass of claret with dinner.

So, how come you're sitting outside in the dark?

I was thinking about when I was a boy...

just a little younger than you are.

There was a w*r going on.

It's hard to picture you as a boy.

Did your parents call you Mr. Feeny?

I used to ask my mother...

why I could only have butter on my toast two mornings a week...

and she said, "Because of the w*r in Europe." And I wondered why there was never enough candy...

and she told me, "Because of the w*r in Europe." oh, and I longed for a pair of sneakers.

But I couldn't have any.

Those Europe guys stole 'em?

No, no.

The rubber had to be diverted to the w*r effort.

There was a version of a sneaker available...

but it was made out of recycled tires...

and left black marks on the gym floor.

Hey, you took gym?

They made me.

Anyway, I prayed every night for an end to the w*r in Europe.

Not from any altruistic desire for world peace.

Just a boy's selfish wish for buttered toast and sneakers.

Then I heard that Mr.

Truman was going on the radio that night...

to announce the end of the w*r.

And I went home and asked my father...

if I could stay up with him to hear the president.

Do you know what he said?

I'm guessing it's either yes or no...

but we both know how well I do on multiple choice.

He said...

"Tomorrow's a school day.

"I don't want you up with me." So you're saying your dad really knew the value of education.

No, I'm saying my father didn't want me...

hanging around with him and his drinking buddies.

As a result, the next day at school...

I was rested and fresh and ready to learn.

I see your point, Mr. Feeny.

No, I don't think you really do, Cory.

What do you suppose I learned in school that day?

I know this has got to be a biggie...

like the Magna Carta or something.

I have no idea what you learned that day.

Neither do I.

You see, Mr. Matthews...

education is not about obscure facts...

and little test scores.

Education is about the overall effect...

of years of slow absorption...

concepts, philosophies...

approaches to problem-solving.

The whole process is so grand and all-encompassing...

that it really can't be threatened...

by the occasional late-night no-hitter.

It is important that a boy spend time with his father.

But... how do you know that?

Your dad didn't let you stay up with him.

That's precisely Why I do know.

ALAN: Cory!

Over here, Dad...

having a drink with Mr. Feeny.

It's just apple juice.

How's the store?

Oh, the store is fine.

Just a small grease fire at the rotisserie.

Tomorrow we'll run a special on blackened chicken.

- Alan.

- George.

Better come in, kiddo.

About time for bed.

Sure, Dad.

Um... are we ever gonna study that European sneaker w*r?

I think you'll get to it sometime...

in the course of your education.

Good, 'cause it sounded really interesting.

Oh, it was.

Well, good night, Mr. Feeny.

Good night, Mr. Matthews.

Ahem.

I, uh...

just want you to know I'm gonna have him in bed...

every night when he's supposed to be.

Well, I want you to know that if I did have a son...

and the opportunity presented itself...

to wake him up to watch a baseball game...

or to listen to the president on the radio...

or for absolutely no reason at all...

Well...

good night, Alan.

Good night, George.

Night, Cor.

Have good dreams.

You, too.

Hey, Mom?

Hey, Cor?

- Can I ask you something?

- Sure.

I'm on the clock for another half hour.

Um...

well, earlier tonight...

Dad told me Mr. Feeny was right.

And then later on, Mr. Feeny told me Dad was right.

At least that's what I think he was saying.

Sometimes I can't hold my breathe long enough...

to get down to where Mr. Feeny likes to swim.

Well, Cor, sometimes two adults...

can think two different ways about something...

and both can be right.

Then, how come I only think one way about things...

and I'm always wrong?

Good night, Cory.

See you tomorrow.

What do you mean, tomorrow?

The Phillies are still in Los Angeles.

What if there's a no-hitter going?

What if the president goes on the radio?

Whatever goes on can wait till tomorrow.

How come?

Because your father is always gonna be there...

in the morning to tell you about it.

Good night, Dad.

Good night, son.

Am I still grounded?

We'll talk about it.

Hey, talk I can get anywhere.

Hmm?

He won't be back tonight.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

[Theme music playing]