05x03 - The Great Recession

[bunniefuu]

Mac: Well, this is an interesting development.

Dennis: This is not good.

Charlie: You think maybe he's just vacationing?

No. Charlie, there's blocks in front and in back of his tires. He's not going anywhere.

Yeah. This guy's planted himself here.

And I tell you what, once all the other R.

V. Folks see what this R.V. guy is doing, they're gonna start parking their R.

V.'s on our street. sh*t.

We're gonna be staring down the barrel of a shantytown situation.

Oh, my God. Who just takes their vehicle and parks in someone's, you know, street... and says, "This is my street.

I'm gonna live here now 'cause I'm poor"?

I'll tell you who.

New poor. What?

Ever since the recession hit, waves of new people are suddenly broke.

These people have no idea how to live without money.

They're what's called "new poor."

We're old poor.

Yeah, they could stand to learn a lesson or two from us, because we would never take our homelessness and shove it down everybody's face.

Have some class if you're gonna be poor!

All right. Let's get this guy out of here, send him a message.

Let's do it. Right.

Let's slash his tires.

Well, not that though, because then he can't leave.

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing's gonna make sense, all right?

Lots of things make sense. Slashing someone's tires so that they leave makes no sense.

You gonna put everything I say under a microscope, bud?

It's a stupid idea, Charlie.

I'm sorry.

You have a better plan?

Dee! Sharpest item in the bar!

I need it now! Let's go!

Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?

Dee: Oh, Frank's trying to k*ll himself.

Is he all right?

Frank, are you all right?

Don't try to stop me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, so he's alive. - I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!

His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

That's what it is!

Let's cut him down.

Frank, it's not gonna work for you.

Your neck's too thick, buddy.

Tie a chair to me.

Times are tough, huh?

sh*t.

This is terrible.

What? What are you talking about?

What is terrible?

If you're looking for a better steak in an arcade setting, you are sh*t out of luck.

I'm talking about eating out all the time.

It's a business expense, Frank.

It's only fair that the upper management of the bar get together to talk shop... over top-notch steak and some video games.

You two have no idea how serious this is.

I can't bail you out anymore!

Maybe we should take this time to streamline Paddy's, make it run as efficiently as the government.

Dennis: Mmm! Yeah.

Cut out the steak dinners.

We're not cutting out the steak dinners, so just hold your horses on that one.

If anything, we should be talking about bonuses.

Let's talk bonuses. Good idea.

Bonuses?

Dennis: Yeah!

You run the business into the ground, and you want bonuses?

Frank, don't be a moron. You start cutting bonuses, you're gonna lose your top guys.

You gotta separate the wheat from the chaff somehow. Yeah.

These dudes are all chaff. Right?

Yeah- Well, no. We're all wheat.

No, we're chaff. No, we're not.

We're- We're wheat.

Why would you want to be wheat?

Why would you ever want to be chaff?

Well, who wants to be- Okay, I'll be chaff, you be wheat.

You two idiots have no business sense whatsoever!

We have no business sense?

He's the one dangling from a noose 10 minutes ago.

[Laughs] That's a good point.

Let's start streamlining right now.

Frank, you're out. You're fired.

Oh! You just got squeezed out, bitch!

Oh, I'm squeezed out?

Uh-huh.

Well, let's see how far you two idiots get... without Frank Reynolds bailing you out every five minutes!

I'm outta here! - I'm comfortable being chaff if you want to be wheat.

Dennis: Okay, man, whatever.

[Grunts]

Dee: You're f*ring us?

Well, first we're gonna give you the opportunity to defend your jobs.

Really?

Yeah.

All right. I appreciate the opportunity, fellas.

I'm on it! Whoo! - Good.

Show us what you do around here, Charlie.

Hoo-woo-woo-woo! - Oh, come on!

This is bullshit!

I shouldn't have to defend my job to you!

Dee, we don't know what it is that you do around here.

You don't seem to do anything.

Me? Come on!

I do a shitload!

Why don't you make us a drink?

Fine. I'll cr*ck you open a beer.

No, no, no.

Not a beer.

Something you have to mix.

But this bottle is cold-activated.

I mean, look at it.

Doesn't that look delicious?

It does look delicious, but mix me a drink.

But the mountains, they've turned blue.

Mojito me, please.

A refreshing mojito would do.

Nobody orders a mojito in this bar.

So you can't make a mojito?

Of course I can make a mojito!

Then make one. Fine!

One mojito coming up, gentlemen.

[Chuckling]

I quit.

g*dd*mn it! sh*t!

I was really looking forward to f*ring her. Me too.

Okay, boys, let's talk rat traps, okay?

Huh?

I need money.

Huh? The guys were being total knobs, so I quit.

Also, you're really behind on my rent and they're threatening to evict me, so... money.

What part of "I am broke" don't you guys understand?

I tried to hang myself.

No more bailouts!

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Not my problemo.

What's with the briefcase?

I'm gonna start a new business.

I created an empire before, and I can do it again.

Huh. You are really good at making money.

Okay, I'm in.

What are you talking about?

What value are you to me?

I'm desperate, so I'll do anything.

Okay, that's good.

Are you willing to destroy your credit?

It's never really been a problem before.

That's good. Hold that.

We're gonna take out a big loan in your name and get an office. Great.

Okay, let's go.

All right, that's the rainwater barrels.

Now let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash?

How do I dispose of the trash?

I don't know. We disposed of the trash in the Dumpster last night.

What are you doing with it?

I am taking it to the furnace.

We have a furnace? - Absolutely.

Where do you think the heat comes from?

You burn the trash in the furnace?

This bar runs on trash.

This bar is totally green that way.

How is burning trash green?

Uh, because I'm recycling the trash into heat for the bar.

And lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like.

The bar smells like trash.

That's the exact opposite of green, Charlie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, I could put the trash into a landfill where it's gonna stay for millions of years, or I could burn it up and get a nice, smoky smell in here... and let that smoke go into the sky where it turns into stars.

That doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about stars to dispute it.

It's right. No, it's not right.

All right, are we almost done?

No, we're not done.

I got one more piece of business. What is it?

Lastly, before I open the bar in the morning, I always make sure to turn on the Coors sign, let people know we got iced delicious Coors in the bar, you know, and then, uh, that's the last thing I do.

Ol' Charlie's done a lot of work around here.

Charlie, that sign does not say "Coors." Eh?

g*dd*mn it. Come outside!

Come outside! Come outside!

Mac: g*dd*mn it.

Come outside.

Closed!

It says "closed," Charlie!

Okay. [Chuckles] Yeah, right.

I can see that now.

But, you know, you can't really read it from the inside.

You can't read it from the outside!

You know what? Forget it.

I can read it!

Are we done with this?

Have we gone through everything?

Well, that was the last thing that I do, sure.

Okay, great. You're fired!

No, come on.

You're not f*ring me.

Yeah. Yeah.

No way!

Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, really?

So you're gonna throw all the trash in the furnace yourselves.

And you're gonna filter the rainwater barrel all by yourselves.

And I suppose you're gonna fiddle with the electricity every day all by yourselves... and siphon it from all around the neighborhood.

No. We're gonna call a trash man, an electrician, and a plumber... and not turn the closed sign on when the bar is open!

[Horn Honking]

Mac: No, God! What is this?

Dennis: Are you kidding me?

This is what I was talking about.

We are gonna have a shantytown here in no time.

Mac: sh*t! g*dd*mn it!

Honey, I'm home!

Feast your eyes on the new headquarters of Reynolds and Reynolds.

Frank and I are starting a business.

We sublet our apartments.

We're living in here.

Wait a second.

You subletted our apartment? - Yeah.

Well, what the hell, dude?

I don't know if I can live in a trailer, man.

You don't have to, Charlie.

It's kinda tight in there already.

Well, hang on a second, bro.

We're good in tight spaces. I'll make it work.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

What do you mean, you're sorry?

There's no room at the inn.

You kidding me, dude? You kidding me?

Unbelievable! So now I'm reduced to sleeping in the bar! Oh, hell no!

No, no, no. You're not gonna be sleeping in the bar.

Where am I gonna live?

On the streets? It's a recession.

Times are tough. Yeah.

You'll bounce back, buddy.

Aw, come on, man.

Can I at least live with you guys?

[Both Laughing]

We're not in the business of giving out handouts, Charlie. We're not the government.

Frankly, I'm a little embarrassed that you would ask.

Yeah, it's a little gauche.

You guys are boning me, man.

I tell you what, why don't you and I hit D&B's and talk bonuses?

Yeah. All right. Dennis, why don't you go ahead and lock that door.

You don't have to lock the door.

Go ahead and lock him out.

Keep out the riffraff.

You don't have to lock the door.

You don't have to add insult to injury. I'm gonna be fine.

That's locked?

Yeah.

I got plenty of places to go.

No, you don't!

Okay, Frank, tell me about this business scheme you're cooking up.

Give me your shoe.

My shoe?

Hand over your shoe.

All right.

Observe.

Wait. No, no, no-

Oh- Aw, come on, man!

That's a $200 shoe!

[Laughing]

Look at that.

What are you doing?

Feast your eyes on your new business.

Knives.

You want me to sell knives door-to-door?

No. You're selling vacuums.

I'm sorry. I took out a high-interest loan... to invest in a door-to-door Kn*fe and vacuum-selling business?

Not just any vacuum.

This is wet vac.

Commercial power for the home.

This'll get a red wine stain out of anything. Look.

Oh, g*dd*mn it!

[Laughing]

Check it out, Deandra.

All right, this baby is powerful!

Now, cover your ears because it has no muffler!

[Motor Roaring]

Oh!

[Shouts]

[Motor Continues Roaring]

Ah!

Oh, that's good merlot.

Yeah. That's good merlot.

You're gonna want to keep those coming.

It might be cheaper if youse went with a bottle of wine... instead of chugging the individual glasses.

Mmm. Yeah, maybe leave the judgment back in the kitchen 'cause...

There's a little bit of a look of judgment on your face. Just go grab them and...

Okay, no problem. All right.

Okay. Thank you.

Great!

Oh, she's terrific.

I like her. Yeah, she's a cutie.

All right, listen, Mac.

I did bring you here for a specific reason, okay? Hmm?

I got an idea for a stimulus plan for the bar that's gonna blow your freakin' mind.

Stimulus plan? A stimulus plan.

You want to hear it?

Lay it on me, bro.

Take a look around you right now.

Now, at a time where businesses are simply failing left and right, who's thriving?

Dave & Buster's. Dave & Buster's is thriving.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know. Video games?

Video games are definitely a big part of it.

I want you to do me a favor. Break down for me what I'm holding in my hand right now.

Ah, that is a Dave & Buster's Power Card.

Yes. Now, does your Dave & Buster's card work at any other similar establishments?

Like, say, a T.G.I. Fridays?

Mine does not, and believe me, I've tried at several locations. No, it doesn't.

Yeah, 'cause I've actually been with you on many of those occasions where you've tried.

Right. I don't think I've tried it enough.

I think you have.

Because clearly, at this point, you should've realized that it doesn't work anywhere else.

There's one in Franklin Mills I haven't tried.

I feel like that could maybe work.

It's not gonna work there either. Let's move past that.

I'm trying to make a point here.

When you come to Dave & Buster's you spend your real money, but you leave with Dave & Buster's money.

That gives you incentive to come back to Dave & Buster's... 'cause it's the only place where your money works.

I think that's brilliant.

Maybe we should take a page out of D&B's book.

And try the card at the Friday's out in the northeast...

No, you son of a bitch.

We're way past that at this point.

I don't understand why you can't grasp that point.

It doesn't work anywhere else.

It's only gonna work here.

All right. I'm- I'm getting all worked up.

Okay? This is- Let's...

I'm proposing that we print our own currency, okay?

Make our own money?

Yes!

We call it Paddy's Dollars. Now we distribute that out to people for free initially.

Then they become customers, and then they bring in new customers.

And then once they're in, they have to use real dollars to buy Paddy's Dollars.

That's exactly right, and that stimulates our own internal economy.

Yeah, yeah, dude! That's a great plan!

Then afterwards, we'll go out to Fox Chase... and use the Power Card at that Friday's out there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! No, we won't.

You can though.

Look, Mom, um, I've kinda come on some hard times... with the economy and everything.

I got no place to go and everything, so...

I was figuring maybe I should move back into my old room for a little while... till I get back up on my feet.

Mmm, well, I don't think that's gonna work out, Charlie.

Why not? I had to sublet your room to Uncle Jack.

Is that why he's here?

Hey, Charlie.

Times are tough.

And the economy is so bad...

I needed to get more money in in order to make the house payments.

What are you talking about?

You don't make house payments.

You own this house. You've owned it for years.

Mom, that's crazy.

You collect Social Security.

I need money.

You can share the room with me, Charlie.

[Gasps] That's a great idea!

That is not a great idea.

Well, why not?

It'll be fun.

You know, you and me palling around, getting nuts, doing crazy, fun things.

I'm not doing any kind of things that you want me to do with you, Uncle Jack.

No, it's- it's stuff that relatives do.

We'll share the room, Charlie. - I don't want to share the room with you, dude, because I...

I will spend the whole night wide awake like when I was a kid and you tried to share my room.

You ever seen wrestling on television?

I am well aware of what wrestling is.

It's just not what uncles do to their nephews.

I'm out of here.

Hey, I'll call you later.

I know you will.

[Woman] Just grab any Kn*fe?

Just the sharpest one in the kitchen.

[Whispering] All right, now when I cut through the shoe and make the sale, you suggest casually that we have a drink to celebrate. Right.

And? Then I drop a little wine on the carpet, grab the wet vac, and then call it a deal, whatever. Zing-o.

This is the best Kn*fe I own.

Oh. Oh.

All right. Mmm.

Well, if that's the best you have...

All right, now pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken... and you're gonna cook it tonight and make a tasty dinner... that's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.

Actually, I'm vegan.

Okay.

Then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat.

Maybe it is a shoe.

Nice one.

Watch the way your Kn*fe cuts.

Mmm. Oh, it's just flopping around.

Oh, sh**t. I-It, you know, doesn't...

sh*t's not even making a dent in the leather.

This Kn*fe is a piece of crap.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Now take a look at our Kn*fe.

Beautiful pressed steel...

Oh.

With a nice, razor-sharp edge.

Watch the way this Kn*fe blasts through this shoe with one motion.

Uh-huh.

Owww!

Ohh! Ohh!

Is this part of the whole thing?

Oh, I cut myself!

Ohh! It's a deep cut!

Ohh! Ohh!

I see your bones!

It's a deep cut! - I'll get you a towel!

I'll get you a towel!

Oh, Frank! - It's okay. It's all right.

I got Band-Aids in my bag.

I just- I need your bathroom, that's all.

Okay. All right.

I'll just get my bag. Okay.

Ohh! Okay.

But...

Eew.

Is he gonna be okay, 'cause...

Yeah. Yeah, no, no.

He's gonna be fine, Beth. Don't worry.

I tell you what- Why don't you and I have a glass of wine.

Just bring it down a little bit, huh?

I don't drink in the morning.

Yeah, me neither.

Oh, uh...

Oh, sh**t!

Oh!

Oh, I'm missing it!

Hey!

Oh, no!

You're doing that on purpose!

I'm trying to prove a point here, Beth, okay?

Hmm? I- I don't...

[Stumbling, Crashing]

I'm gonna...

Okay, I-

Yeah. Oh, boy.

[Grunting]

[Groans]

g*dd*mn it!

These Paddy's Dollars look great, bro. - Yeah!

I'm really glad we went with the color.

They pop! Oh, yeah.

Little bit more expensive than I would've thought.

But that's worth it though.

That's an old-poor move.

You take your money and put it into something worth it, you're not tacky.

See, by transferring all of our cash into these Paddy's Dollars... and then printing more of these babies than we ever had in cash, we've upped our value.

sh*t!

Dennis: Oh, g*dd*mn it.

Look.

Full-blown shantytown.

We're screwed.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, dude.

There could be some real opportunity in this.

Yeah? Yeah, man.

Think about this, dude.

In recession times, what thrives more than anything else?

Prostitutes. No- Well, yeah, that.

But that and bars.

Oh, and bars! Well, yeah!

Right, because people gotta drown their sorrows.

Get drunk!

We own a bar!

Yeah! So why don't we take these Paddy's Dollars... and just distribute them amongst the shanties?

That way- Right. They buy the booze from us with the dollars.

Right. They run out of booze, then they gotta buy more Paddy's Dollars from us.

Thus creating the self-sustaining economy we've been looking for.

It stimulates our economy.

That's what Dave & Buster's does.

Give me one up here.

Boom.

Boom!

Who wants some free money, shanties?

[Laughing]

When people stop buying vacuum cleaners and knives door-to-door, it can mean only one thing, Deandra.

That you blew all of my money on a very stupid idea? No!

Good-bye, recession, hello, depression.

You're very lucky that you're with somebody as resilient as Frank Reynolds.

You've tried to off yourself two times in the last 24 hours, Frank!

Listen, this business partner of mine called.

He's got a great plan.

This is the man who's gonna make us rich.

This is the man?

Yes.

This man lives in a cardboard box!

Times is tough.

g*dd*mn it.

Yo!

Hey!

[Grunts]

Thanks for getting down here so quick.

It's Charlie?

[Laughing] Hey, Charlie!

Charlie is your new business partner?

Yeah. Well, what do you want?

We're good in tight spots.

That's right. All right.

You ready to do this? You got it.

Okay, let's go! Let's go!

You're the man with the plan.

Deandra, this is gonna work.

[Grunting] There we go.

Look at that.

Feast your eyes.

Here we go!

[Charlie Yells]

What the hell is that?

These are crabs!

Fresh, local Delaware runoff crabs.

Those don't look anything like crabs.

Huh? Yeah, well- They look like sea scorpions.

Isn't there some kind of, like, sewage runoff around here?

Yeah, there's a pretty bad sewage runoff, but, you know, crabs is sewage-proof!

And depression proof.

People gotta eat.

We're gonna sell these on the street.

We're crab people now.

Crab people.

We're crab people now?

Yes!

You want us to become crab people?

That's your new business plan?

Yeah...

[Phone Ringing] Yeah.

I'm getting a call.

We'll live and die by the crab, Dee!

We'll eat off the fat of the sea.

Help me toss some of these babies back, 'cause legally we're not allowed to eat those.

Oh, thank you very much!

Thank you. Great news!

Let's go!

Forget the crabs! Okay.

Nice doing business with you.

All right, shanty!

Enjoy it! All right.

Enjoy yourselves.

Boom!

Okay.

Hey!

We did it.

I think we made every single one of our Paddy's Dollars back.

You're damn right. Thus creating the self-sustaining economy we've been looking for.

That's right.

How much fresh cash did we make?

Fresh cash?

Yes.

Uh, well, zero. Zero, if you're talking about U.S. currency.

People didn't really seem interested in spending any of that.

That's okay.

So when they run out of the booze, they'll come back in and they'll have to buy more Paddy's Dollars.

Right. That is assuming, of course, that they will come back here and drink.

They will because we'll redistribute these to the shanties, thus ensuring them coming back in, keeping the money moving.

Well, no, if we just redistribute these, then people will continue to drink for free.

Okay.

How does this work, Mac?

The money keeps moving in a circle.

But- But we don't have any money.

All we have is this.

How does this work, dude?

I don't know. I thought you knew.

I thought you- What?

I thought you were on top of this!

You're the one that came up with the plan!

Did I come up with this plan?

Last night, dude, with the D&B Power Card and the- Oh, I blacked out that night.

sh*t, dude! I've been following your lead! Oh, Jesus.

Oh, sh*t. Okay, so we have no money and no inventory.

There's still something we can do.

That's still a business somehow.

How does D&B's do it? They've got a complicated system.

I cannot begin to understand it.

How does a self-sustaining economy work?

I don't understand how the U.S. economy works, much less some sort of a self-sustaining one.

I don't understand how finances work.

sh*ts for everybody!

The government is reimbursing me all the money I lost!

I love this country!

Baby, I'm back!

Wait, you got a bailout?

Yeah, you know it, pal!

Can you bail us out, Frank?

Because we're kind of screwed here.

I'll tell you what.

Let's discuss it over steaks and Skee-Ball.

Oh!

[Laughing, Yelling]

Hey, bailouts all around!

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

I love this country!

Charlie: Crab meat!

Crab meat! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Crab meat!

Crab meat!

Uh, you guys don't think that you're going to Dave & Buster's, do you?

Uh-

What?

[Voices Speaking Backwards]