06x03 - The Gang Buys a Boat

Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us.

Yes, this shouldn't take long.

So...

You'd like to buy a boat.

Yes, we have recently come into a considerable amount of money.

Now I'm not gonna bore you with details, but let's just say that my friends here set up for a *** adventure...

***.com.

Yeah.

Actually we're not supposed to talk about...

That's true but...

Yeah, technically we're doing a couple of things in the hush hush from Uncle Sam...

The point is we're flush.

We are 25 hundred dollars flush.

So don't worry about that.

So we'd like to take some of that money and taste a bit of the high life.

We've also talked to our friend here into throwing his entire life savings into the venture.

That's right.

You see, I'm in it for the lifestyle as well as the great investment.

Okay, well, then what is it you guys are looking for?

Let's talk needs, please?

I'd like to talk needs first.

Now I have the need for speed.

It's very important, it's inherent, there's nothing I can do about it.

So speed is a must.

Absolutely, but we are also looking to entertain guests upon this boat, so...

Yeah, we're gonna throw some P. Diddy-style parties up on the deck.

Um, can we talk shrimp for a minute?

I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp.

Sort of a Forrest Gump-size amount of shrimp.

Um, you should be writing this down, I think.

Why are you not writing this down?

Oh, let me just see if I have this right here.

Please, correct me if I'm wrong.

It seems what you guys are looking for is some sort of P. Diddy-style shrimping vessel.

All right!

That's it!

You're a really good listener, and I didn't peg you for one when I walked in here 'cause of the pinky ring, but that's great.

You know, I've got just the boat for you.

(chuckles)

Well, here she is, The Drowning Sailor.

It, uh, doesn't meet, well, uh, any of your specs.

Look, I'm gonna level with you, pal.

We... we saw this coming a mile away, and we've had our hearts set on this boat thing for days now, which, in our world, is a level of focus in which I personally have never experienced.

But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and I'm gonna say... We'll take it!

Mm-hmm.

What-what-what are you doing?

I was-I was doing a thing.

You were taking a long time, dude.

You're taking way too long.

We wanted to buy a boat.

Let's get the boat.

I was taking a little while because I was doing a little presentation...

Dennis, what if someone walks down the deck and makes an offer before us?

Nobody's gonna make an offer before I finish my thing.

They might have.

We're not the only people in town that want...

I'm confused.

Are you gonna take the boat or not?

Yes, we're taking the boat.

We're buying the boat.

We want to add a little fanfare into the situation.

My friends here, they couldn't wait for that.

Yes, we're-we're taking the boat.

Frank: What a score!

Yeah!

Sweet Dee: Houseboat, huh?

Yeah, absolutely...

Well, the houseboat offers all the advantages of a house, but with the excitement of the sea.

Think of all the fish we're gonna catch.

It's not just fish, Frank.

You gotta start thinking about shrimp, okay?

Oh-oh-oh.

We're gonna be hauling in so much shrimp every day, it's gonna pay for itself ten times over.

Picture tiny shrimp crawling all over this boat.

Every inch of it...

Guys...

Can we not focus on the shrimp cause we have so much work to do.

It's a shrimp boat.

I'd like to have at least one conversation about shrimp.

No. No, shrimp is a very small aspect of the whole...

Most important part of the...

No, you know what?

I'll tell you what.

Shrimp or no shrimp, I'm very excited about it.

Yeah.

And I say we take this little lady onto the sea and get loaded.

Well, slow your roll there, Dee.

The lady's not quite ready to go out to the sea yet.

There's a lot of prep work that still has to be done.

So, actually, Frank and Charlie, I want you to start by scraping the barnacles off the bottom of the boat, 'cause that probably hasn't been done in years, while Dee and Mac and I go in to the inside and check out the decor situation, you know?

One word.

Shrimp.

(sliding door squeaking)

Okay, yeah.

No, just as I suspected, we got our work cut out for us, guys.

This isn't Diddyesque at all.

No, no, we gotta get rid of all this sh1t.

Are you guys crazy?

This boat is awesome.

How about a little of this?

(music playing)

Huh?

What the hell is that?

This?

That's my P. Diddy boat dance.

Uh!

You look like one of this inflatable dancing things at the used car lot.

The ones that flail around in the wind.

No, I don't.

I look good.

No, Dee, that's exactly what you look like.

I promise you that's what you look like.

You can't dance for sh1t!

I can dance, and you don't know what you're talking about.

I'm gonna bring one of those in so you can see it.

Okay, why don't you bring the guy in, we'll have a dance competition?

I'm gonna be the judge of that contest!

I'm gonna show...!

There's not gonna be a contest!

Stop! Everybody stop! Shut up!

No, nobody's bringing any trashy inflatable man on this boat.

Absolutely not.

Dee, stop dancing.

(music stops)

You look like an asshole.

We're not there yet.

We have a lot of work to do first.

Okay, Dee, since you didn't invest any money in this venture, you're gonna be the one that's got to do all the hard labor here.

So I need you to get rid of all this sh1t, and make the boat look nice, okay?

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Hard work?

What are you talking about?

Work first, and then you can do your weird inflatable tube-man P. Diddy dance.

Or whatever it is.

You know what I'm looking forward to?

Is catching me some Delaware River catfish.

Oh, yeah!

They are so tasty!

I used to eat 'em when I was a kid.

You can't buy 'em in the stores no more.

Why is that?

The goddamned EPA.

They says they're toxic.

(blows raspberry) Toxic my ass.

I mean, they're just endangered.

They're tasty, man.

Frank. this boat is the best investment I ever made, man.

I mean, it's huge!

We're gonna pop over to the boat store real quick and grab some, uh...

Whoa!

What the hell are you guys doing?

We're loading our gear.

No, no, no. You should not be loading.

No one should be bringing anything onto the boat.

You should be scraping, okay?

Yes.

So, scrape.

Oh, well, we're gonna scrape the boat.

We are gonna scrape the boat.

Are you patronizing me?

Don't patronize me.

Don't do that.

No one's patronizing you, all right?

Here's what we'll do: we'll scrape all these little delicious oysters or whatever off the side of the boat.

We'll put 'em in a pot, we'll boil 'em up for before you get back.

We'll cook 'em for you.

There you go.

No, those are barnacles.

Do not eat those.

Do not cook them in a pot and serve them to us.

Okay, all that.

Honestly, don't eat those.

You'll get very, very sick, okay?

Yeah.

Now that is a direct order from your captain.

Whoa!

Since when are you the captain?

Well, clearly I'm the captain.

Who else would be the captain.

I feel like I would be the captain.

Dennis?

I don't give a sh1t.

I'm captain! I call it!

Locked in. Boom.

Scrape. Let's go.

(Charlie groans)

Let's go. Let's go.

I ain't scraping sh1t.

No, we're not scraping!

No, no scraping.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna fire up the boat, right?

Yeah.

We're gonna take it out on the ocean, we're gonna get some oysters. And shrimp.

And shrimpies!

(both laugh)

Toss me the keys.

Here you go.

What the hell was that?

Well, it's the keys.

I threw 'em right at ya.

I asked you to toss 'em!

You threw 'em overhand!

That's the way I throw!

Jump in there and get 'em.

I'm not going in there.

I don't sink.

What?

I get in there, I just bob around like a cauliflower.

Don't give me lines, man.

Jump in the ocean and get the damn keys!

No, I'm not going in.

(blubbering)

Charlie, I'm not going in.

It's your boat. You go on in.

You son of a bitch.

All right.

(whistling tune)

Yo.

Hey, buddy.

Uh, I got us some turpentine, some wax and some high-gloss boat paint.

This sh1t is really expensive.

Oh, dude, you're telling me.

I picked us up some new slacks and docksiders so we could have the right look, you know, and fit in and everything.

We're running pretty low on remaining dick towel money though.

Plus, we got to fill that thing up with gas, and... I know, man.

We got to pop by the department store, pick up the mattress.

I want to get a nice one, too.

You know what I'm saying?

The what? The mattress?

What do we need a mattress for?

What do you mean what do we need a mattress for?

Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat?

The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse.

Because of the implication.

Oh. Uh, okay.

You had me going for the first part, but the second half kind of threw me.

Well, dude, dude, think about it.

She's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows.

She looks around and what does she see?

Nothing but open ocean.

"Ah, there's nowhere for me to run.

What am I going to do, say no?"

Okay.

(both laughing)

That seems really dark.

No, it's not dark.

You're misunderstanding me, bro.

I think I am.

Yeah, you are.

Because if the girl said no, then the answer obviously is no.

No.

But the thing is, she's not going to say no.

She would never say no, because of the implication.

Now... you said that word "implication" a couple of times.

What... what implication?

The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me.

You know, not that things are going to go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will.

But it sounds like she doesn't want to have s*x with you.

Why aren't you understanding this?

I don't... She doesn't know whether she wants to have s*x with me.

She doesn't know?

That's not the issue.

Are you going to hurt women?

I'm not going to hurt these women.

Oh, okay.

Why would I ever hurt these women?

I don't know.

I feel like you're not getting this at all.

I'm not getting it.

Goddamn.

Don't you look at me like that.

You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.

So they are in danger?

No one's in any danger.

How can I make that any more clear to you?

Okay, it's an implication of danger.

You know what, just drop it.

Let's drop it.

Buy your sh1t and let's get out of here.

Oh, Charlie.

Charlie, you got 'em?

No keys. Can't find 'em.

What?!

I found a couple cool things.

What?

I got a tooth.

Ooh, look at that.

It's like a horse's tooth or something.

Oh, yeah.

And look at this bullet.

Uh.

This is a war relic.

This could be valuable.

What the hell happened down there?

Some kind of horse massacre?

Could be.

Could be, right?

Yeah.

Dude, there's so much cool sh1t down there, I'm gonna keep diving looking for it.

I need a flashlight 'cause it's dark.

Flashlight coming up.

Just toss it to me real quick.

Come on, man.

I throw overhand, Charlie.

(clattering)

Ooh!


♪ Stop Drop Shut 'em down, open up shop... ♪

What the hell are you doing in here?

Just throwing all these old, like, dolls and compasses and hairbrushes and sh1t overboard.

Mac and Dennis are making me clean up.

Well, this is a sh1t hole, isn't it?

Yeah.

Maybe we should gut it.

All right.

Let's see...

Ooh, ah, here we go.

Now, let's see.

Start with this beautiful baby here.

Whoa.

Crash and burn.

Holy mackerel.

Die, you sucker!

Oh, baby, look out.

(electrical crackling)

Whoa! That ain't good.

(cackles)

♪ Give a dog a bone Leave a dog alone... ♪

Whoa, Christ.

Think about, like, all the movies and the books and all the stories of all the terrible awful, awful things that have happened out in the middle of the ocean.

You know, that's the stuff that's, like, rattling around in her head, informing her decision as to whether she sleeps with me or not.

That's all I'm saying.

It's not like a big thing, or...

Uh-huh.

Look, I need you to understand this, okay?

You're making it seem like I'm some sort of monster or something.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, wha... what is going on in there?

Like this?

It's more like a rolling sway.

Like this. There you go.

What the hell are you guys doing in here?

Oh, my God, what the hell did you do to our boat?!

Uh, we were cleaning it.

(music stops)

Wow, wow, wow, what's that all about?

You're just breaking everything in this boat.

You were supposed to be fixing it up and making it look nice.

Crew meeting! Crew meeting!

Where is Charlie?

He's in the water.

What is he doing in the water?

Charlie.

Aw, dude, what are you doing?

Oh, hey, guys, come here.

You are not going to believe how much cool sh1t is under the boat.

There's like a whole world of ancient stuff.

There was a horse massacre, right, in the Revolutionary times, and then there's like a pirate ship.

Like, I found all these old pretty little dolls.

No. - Maybe like a brush, like a pirate is brushing his hair...

Killed the horse and then jumped in the ocean?

Goddamn it, I've been cleaning up in there for hours throwing this sh1t overboard and you're just dragging it all back up.

You've been dumping the trash in the ocean?

Why-why-why are you swimming in the water in the first place?

He dropped the keys in the water.

I did not... All right, first of all, he threw the keys at me overhand.

You should have seen this throw.

We leave you guys alone for 45 minutes and you destroy the interior of the boat, you lose the keys...

I can get those keys.

I just need you guys to buy me some scuba equipment so I can stay down there longer.

Do you realize how much money scuba equipment costs?

No. Rent the cheap stuff.

Just rent some cheap stuff, all right?

In the meantime, we'll clear all this stuff off... we'll start to paint, all right?

By the time you guys come back, I promise you, I promise, the boat will be looking better.

I can't tell.

Is he patronizing me again?

I can't...

I can't even tell anymore.

No, no, what he's saying is really stupid, but it's sincere, okay? It's sincere this time.

I think you're just a little sensitive to it.

Sorry, Charlie.

(mocking tone): I'm sorry, too.

That was patronizing!

You can't patronize your captain.

That's a sea law.

Yo, dude.

You realize how much boating equipment costs?

It's crazy, it's astronomical.

I can't believe how much they charge for this sh1t.

You know, Dee, Frank and Charlie are driving me crazy.

We're spending all of our dick towel money and they're throwing keys into the water and losing everything...

And you're not even listening to me.

No, I heard you.

You said a bunch of words, right?

Look at this.

What is that?

It's like some kind of dock party mixer, dude.

It's a flyer.

Look at these chicks.

And an anchor.

Dude, that's what we need to be doing.

We need to be mixing it up at mixers with other boat people and living the lifestyle.

You're right.

Okay, cool.

And then we'll be back in the high life again.

Yeah.

Like Stevie Nicks.

That's actually Steve Winwood.

Right. Same dude, right?

It's not the same dude.

Actually, one's not even a dude.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

It doesn't matter.

I love that song.

Let's buy that CD.

Well, first of all, I love that song, too.

That's why I already own the CD.

I own all of Steve Winwood's sh1t.

You should know this.

And secondly, we have not been on the same page all day.

We can't be spending money on CDs that I already own.

We're spending too much money as it is.

It's bad enough I let you buy that stupid inflatable guy from the car lot.

("Forever You Won't" by Xzibit playing)

Stop it!

Stop it!

Goddamn it, don't!

It's not the puffy guy... it's this music.

This aggressive music you're playing.

This is not...

It's got nothing to do with the music.

Listen to me.

Listen to me!

I'm turning you off.

You're crazy.

(music stops)

Riled you up.

Yo, you guys...

Look at you... fighting with a green guy.

Dudes, you're never going to believe what I just found floating off the end of the boat.

Okay, I'm scraping those little delicious oysters off the bottom, right?

Why is this turned off?

You're back.

You don't even... Well, well, I got to say, guys, I'm very impressed.

The boat's really starting to come along.

I didn't think you guys had it in you.

Yeah.

There's a couple more brushes here and a little paint.

Get to work, we'll do the trim and then we'll be done.

Us?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We're not going to be doing any of that.

No, no, no.

You're not going to be doing any of that?

What do you mean?

We're not going to be doing any of the work.

That's-that's what you guys are doing.

That was the whole deal.

No, we got a party to get ready for.

Yeah, so... We're going to do all the work while you guys go to a party?

We got to socialize.

Yeah.

I could socialize.

Uh, no.

Not looking like you're looking.

You're covered in paint and dirt and grime and all kinds of sh1t, so...

You're skin looks like leather and you got blisters all over you.

You guys look absolutely terrible.

Well...

Well, we're out of here.

So, Charlie, there's your, uh, there's your scuba gear.

Find the keys.

Just find 'em.

Oh, guys... keep up the good work.

See, now they flipped it around.

They're patronizing us.

Absolutely patronizing us, Frank.

That's right, they're patronizing...

But don't take it to heart, buddy, 'cause I got something that's going to cheer you up.

What?

Guess who found the keys.

The keys!

You found the keys!

Dude, they were just floating under the boat.

They got a little floaty thing on them.

This is amazing, by the way... these floaty things.

We should patent this.

Okay, I think this is it.

Now this is much more our speed.

These are the kind of people we should be hanging out with.

Man, now this is a boat.

(country music playing)

Ahoy, ahoy.

Hi, hi.

A couple of fellow yachters.

Saw your flyer at the boat store...

Oh.

Do we have the wrong yacht?

No, no, no, no, come on in and grab a drink.

We're just getting warmed up.

Okay.

Sure.

Let's just...

Yeah.

Uh, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Um, this isn't the crowd I was expecting.

These guys are more barnacle covered and sunburned than Dee and Frank.

Let's not rush to judgment, okay?

These are real men of the sea.

Maybe this whole thing isn't about meeting girls.

Maybe it's about having an adventure, you know, an open ocean adventure.

Take a look at this guy.

How'd he lose that hand?

I bet you it was some kind of crazy adventure, right?

Let's find out.

Hey, bro, how'd you lose that hand?

Diabetes.

Oh.

Um, that's not, uh, much of an adventure, is it?

Kind of tragic.

Yeah.

You know, we'll let you get back to...

We're just going to go over to the bar and grab a drink.

I'd offer to pour you a drink, but you probably can't drink though with the... diabetes.

Diabetes.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, you know what, I was wrong, dude.

This is a bummer.

Yeah, this is a major bummer.

Let's get the hell out of here.

What do you say?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, guys, thanks for everything.

I think we're just going to take off, though.

No, no, no, no, don't do that.

We're just getting warmed up.

We're going to set sail soon, and we're going to have a couple of tasty treats out there.

It's going to get nuts out there, fellas, right?

(men agreeing)

We're going to be out on open ocean, right?

Huh?

Anything can happen out there.

No laws, right, boys?

Just us and our tasty treats.

That was an implication, right?

That was definitely the implication.

Tasty treats?

Are we the tasty treats?

We're the tasty treats in the scenario.

Yes, we're the tasty treats.

They're going to take us out into the open ocean... they're going to have their way with us, Mac.

We got to get the hell out of here.

Is this how you wanted those poor women to feel?

No. You know what, I don't enjoy having this conversation with you.

I feel like you're lumping me in with them.

Now, gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.

(hooting)

The ladies have arrived.

♪ I'll be back in the high life again All the doors I closed one time ♪
♪ Will open up again I'll be back in the high life again... ♪

Oh, Frank, you are absolutely right.

This is boat music.

Yeah, this is the kind of music you ought to listen to.

I am learning some amazing moves from this guy.

(Frank laughing)

Yeah, you're doing great.

You got the moves.

Anybody want any more catfish?

Yo, dude, definitely give me another one of those.

They're delicious.

And you can taste that sort of endangered tang.

That's it.

Oh, hold on.

I'm getting a call.

Hello.

Hey, hey, Charlie, did you guys ever find those keys?

Yeah, man, I did actually.

I did. Can you believe that.

Okay, great.

I need you to grab Frank and Dee and get the hell out of there because we're going to be bringing back a couple of tasty treats, if you know what I'm saying.

Hey, man, yeah, absolutely.

I'll get right on that.

That's how you patronize someone right there.

What, what, what, what, what, what?

Dennis being a dick.

Don't worry about it, man.

Hey, this scuba equipment's broken.

It's useless.

The hell with it.

Let's get back to shrimping.

I'm gonna toss this sh1t.

It's crap anyway.

(electrical crackling)

Ooh, that's not good.

Uh, hey, um, what do you do if the boat is on fire?

What do you mean?

The boat is on fire.

What?

Oh, fire's getting bigger.

What?!

Fire's getting bigger.

Go!

Fire's getting big.

Bail!

Holy sh1t!

Find some water.

Find some water?!

Find some water.

What do you mean find some water?

There's water everywhere.

Help!

Help us.

I cannot wait to get you ladies out into the sea.

It's so much more romantic in the middle of nowhere where we can be completely alone, and you can make rash decisions based on fear.

Right, Dennis?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow, whoa, whoa.

(coughing)

I thought we told you guys to beat it.

Out of my way.

No more Diddy boat.

Damn catfish nipping at my heels all the w...

Endangered my ass.

There's a billion of them out there.

Ugh. What the hell happened?

That was a hell of a swim.

Charlie, where's the boat?

What happened to the boat?

It's right there.

This was a terrible investment.

Whew.