06x04 - Mac's Big Break

[bunniefuu]

(Radio) 93.3 WMMR. Back with the Preston and Steve show.

Listen up. We have got to open up the phone lines. The first listener who can correctly answer our stupid trivia question of the day is gonna get to come down to the Flyers game with us tomorrow night and take a sh*t from center ice.

(puck clinks, cheering)

Now, if you make it, you win two VIP passes to the 93-three WMMR beach house for the start-of-summer blowout Dee: Who would want to spend a weekend at a beach house,***?

Charlie: Dude, nothing but busy signals.

Mac: I'm on hold on all of them.

You're on hold on those?

We're gonna get through.

Radio: Hey, who's on the line?

Is that us?

That sounded like us.

Uh, Mac from South Philly.

All right, Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston and Steve.

Holy sh*t! He got on.

Holy sh*t, I got on.

Please don't curse.

All right, here's the question.

What Philadelphia Flyer holds the franchise record for goals in a season?

You have 30 seconds. Go!

This is hockey question.

Go! Go! Hockey, hockey.

Uh, where's the H key?

There's no H key?

There's no H key...

What are you talking about?

Is there another way to spell hockey?

There's no H key.

Dude!

There's no H key on this...

There's an H right there.

What would be the next letter?

Why did I put you in charge of this job?

Oh, forget this, dude.

I got this. I got this.

Think, Mac. Think. Think. Think.

I got to think like that guy.

That guy that sits on the rock.

This dude? The one like that?

Yeah, with the big muscles, and he puts his on his...

Ah, he's big and green and...

Think, think.

Dennis: The Thinker?

The Thinker.

Oh, the Hulk.

The Incredible Hulk.

Hulk doesn't think...

The Hulk?

sh*t, dude, I know this.

Dude, you got to stop cursing!

Look, you guys can't censor me, okay?

I'm a bit of a badass.

You can't censor him.

All right, let's go.

Answer the question, come on.

Just take a wild guess.

Aah! I don't know.

I don't know it. Damn it!

Reggie Leach.

Reggie Leach is the...

Correct answer!

(bells ding, cheers over radio)

(whistle blowing over radio)

(Charlie yells)

Send a rush out, baby!

♪ We're going to the beach house Gonna make our dreams come true ♪
♪ Down at the beach house that's what we're gonna do, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh... ♪

This a potentially life-changing opportunity right here.

Not potentially.

It is a life-changing opportunity. It is!

I'm sorry. How is spending a weekend at a radio show beach house a life-changing opportunity?

Dude, there is gonna be so many athletes and celebrities at that beach house.

This is my chance to finally sow myself into the inner circle.

I'm gonna be like a local sports legend.

Hey, can we have our phones back?

Em about using the minutes on the cell phones?

They used up all your minutes, right?

Frank, nobody gives a sh*t about minutes anymore.

Actually, you know what?

I do give a sh*t about minutes.

I know I shouldn't, and I think I'm just probably buying into the phone company's propaganda, but there you go.

Interesting.

What is happening here?

Why are you taping them?

Oh, because they got great banter.

They jib jab.

Jib jab, jib jab, jib jab.

I use it for the car...

I jib jab.

'Cause my stereo's busted.

We have a lot of interesting things to say, so, you know.

Oh, sh*t. Well, I feel like the conversation we've been having in the last five minutes is a lot more interesting than the sh*t they're talking about on the radio.

Mm-hmm.

Are you kidding me?

It's just moronic commentary and stupid sound effects, and it's just dumb.

It doesn't make any sense.

Well, we have voices.

We talk about the issues.

You know, I feel like we could do a podcast, and it would be a million times better than whatever that drivel was we were listening to.

Without a doubt.

You know what?

This sounds like jealousy talk.

Yeah.

Mac, Charlie, congratulations on, uh, your slap sh*t and the beach house, okay?

Uh, we're happy for you.

You're sad sometimes.

Yeah, why aren't you happy for us?

You're dark souls...

I mean, you know what?

You want to just do our thing and not...?

Let's do our thing.

Have fun with your important conversations and your big issues with your brains and your smart stuff, okay?

We got hockey to learn.

And we're gonna...

It's gonna change our lives.

Yeah, yeah.

Life changing.

Okay, it was The Thinker.

It's The Thinker.

Yeah.

You couldn't spell hockey.

Right.

Oh, zing! ♪ Bo, bo! ♪

Hold on a second.

You guys are the best.

Do not speak until I turn my tape over.

Okay.

Aw, sh*t!

I taped over my Luther Vandross mix.

Aah!

Okay, dude, now we're both in agreement.

This is probably, like, the biggest opportunity either of us have ever had in our lives, right?

We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, Charlie.

No.

The few we've had, we've squandered.

We've squandered them all.

That's why we've got to stay focused, Mac.

I mean, this is big time.

This is pro sports, right?

Yeah, mm-hmm.

We got to do this right.

You got to look good.

Yeah.

And you can't miss that sh*t, right?

I really appreciate you helping me, dude.

Absolutely. Well, a little Peewee Hockey experience never hurts.

You're good.

Okay, so first things first.

Hold the hockey stick.

Hold the hockey stick?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, good, 'cause I was thinking, I'd have a position sort of like this.

(imitates wind whipping)

Why would you do that?

All of my instincts and my training tell me to use this as a w*apon.

All of your instincts and your training are wrong.

Hold it like a hockey stick, or people are going to boo you.

The Philly fans are brutal, dude.

All right, fine!

All right? Right.

Then you just sort of haunch down a little bit... Done.

You might want to haun...

What if I do this? a...

That's way stiffer.

That's pretty good right there, Charlie.

You look so awkward.

Bro, when you tack on mass, you sacrifice flexibility.

That's just a straight-up fact.

That's insane.

Touch your toes.

What am I, a gymnast?

Yeah... Charlie, teach me how to sh**t the sh*t.

All right, fine, fine.

Calm down. All right, all right.

Yeah.

What you're gonna want to do is just gently...

Gently sort of guide the puck at the net, like... you know, like a tiny bowl of cream you don't want to spill, and you're guiding it.

I'm not gonna do that.

I'm going to go out there and take a wicked slap sh*t, you know?

(imitates wind whipping)

Really make a name for myself.

Otherwise, I go out there, I look like a jabroni.

You know what?

Yeah, we might want to work on some kind of routine, huh?

Thank you. Exactly.

So I'll go out there.

I showcase my weaponry.

Uh-huh.

Pump the crowd up.

Really get the crowd up.

And raise the roof on 'em.

Watch. Uh-huh.

Okay. But you know what?

You can't take a slap sh*t before you even know how to handle a stick and a puck, so will you just glide one?

Just to get the form.

And then we'll get bigger and bigger, and eventually, slap sh*ts, but it starts with gliding like cream.

Go.

Gliding like a jabroni is what I'm gonna be doing.

Jabroni. Okay, go.

Well, that didn't do anything.

Well, that was pretty pathetic, you're right.

Yeah, well, the problem is, I'm out in the elements, dude.

There's so much wind and sun.

All right.

And this asphalt...

That's not regulation.

No it's not regulation.

So it's not...

All right, you know what?

You want to do this the right way?

Yeah.

Let's go to the ice.

Let's get some pucks, all right?

We'll slide, we'll take a few slap sh*ts.

Let's go to the ice.

We'll do this the right way.

Let's go to the ice.

Let's go to the ice.

This is me.

All right, very exciting stuff.

I think we're pretty much ready to go here with this podcast.

What the hell is a podcast?

I mean, why don't you just tape it?

What are you doing?

You don't have to tape it these days, Frank.

You just record it right onto the computer.

Hmm.

And, uh, once we start recording, Frank, we need you to stop eating those crackers.

It's incredibly annoying, and it's all anyone's gonna be able to hear.

So, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here.

Inaugural podcast.

We're talking technology today.

The big T.

Absolutely.

Everyone's talking about technology these days, because it's everywhere.

Oh, it is.

You can't escape it.

You absolutely can't.

So, Dee, tell us what you feel about technology.

How do you...?

What's your opinion on it?

(Frank crunching loudly)

Crackers?

I'm getting bored with this.

I'm going to bring my guest in.

Guest?

I asked Cricket to come.

What?

Cricket?

No, Frank.

You can't just bring guests in here.

This is our podcast.

I feel like you're trying to take over.

No, no, no.

You know what?

Actually, this could bring up a pretty good issue.

If you bring Cricket in here, we could rail on him about the homeless issue.

Cricket!

Cricks.

Yo.

There he is.

Come on in, buddy.

We're ready for you.

Hey, Frank, where's my chicken?

This is taking forever.

Come on.

I promised him a rotisserie chicken.

Let's go.

Chop, chop.

I'm starving here.

What's going on with your voice?

It's from when Frank hit me with the trash can.

Wound got infected.

It was a whole ordeal.

Okay, all right.

Well, um... Listen, let's get into the issues here.

We're going to start rolling on this, Cricket.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I am not saying another word until I get the chicken.

I lied about the chicken, Crick.

Are you kidding me?

All right?

It was bullshit.

Oh, my God.

Unbelievable.

Why do I even trust you?

All right, wait a minute.

Here.

I do have something for you.

Lemons.

Lemons?

Yeah, you suck on them.

Oh, come on.

At least give me the crackers.

No, suck on a lemon.

Here, go ahead.

Well, they are good for scurvy.

All right, I'll have a few lemons, but then I'm out of here.

All right, here we go.

So, uh, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here.

We are talking about the homeless issue here in Philly.

That's a big issue these days, and we're here with our friend Cricket.

He is a homeless man.

Cricket, walk us through a day in your life.

Oh, day in the life...

Well, uh, the other morning, I wake up, I find a dog sniffing at my wound.

He's fully aroused, mind you.

So I'm thinking, "Oh, great," you know, "what does this jerk want?"

Of course I know what he wants.

He's looking at me right in the eyes.

He does not have to say it.

Not that he could.

(slurps)

(groans)

Oh, that is-that is tart.

That is really tart.

I mean, does my scar look like a dog's vag*na?

You know, maybe.

I don't know.

I'm not going to sit here and try to get inside the mind of a dog.

I mean, that's God's work.

Well, not that I believe in God.

I don't.

Not since that Chinaman stole my kidney.

Cricket, tell Dee how much you think she's ugly.

That's not going to make any sense, Frank.

He doesn't think I'm ugly.

He's madly in love with me.

Don't flatter yourself.

I'm over you, sister.

Since when?

Since I found out you are a whore.

Will you stop talking about...

This has nothing...

Well, maybe you're a whore, you stupid, ugly, homeless bitch.

Zing.

A dog banged your neck the other day.

You're both whores.

Well, a No, no, this is not good radio!

All right.

(imitates wind whipping)

Okay, this is exciting, Mack.

This is exciting.

You know, you're...

What are you doing?

Huh?

Would you take this seriously?

I am taking it seriously.

This is your big moment, man.

You got to walk out to center ice, and you got to be like, "Hey, USA! USA!"

USA!

Not like that.

Make it classy.

Okay, but keep in mind I am going to be wearing the duster.

Well, of course you're going to wear the duster.

That's going to look awesome.

Thanks.

Yeah. You should probably also be wearing a wig.

A wig?

Totally.

Long, flowing hair.

That's going to look way more dramatic, you know what I mean?

Like... Okay, I like the wig idea in spirit.

Problem is, I'll have to wear the wig to the beach house so people will recognize me.

Next thing you know, I'm wearing a wig for the rest of my life just to keep up appearances.

Yeah, like Andre Agassi, huh?

Yeah, right.

I don't want to do that.

I don't know.

Let's not rule it out, though.

A good hockey wig could put this thing over the top, man.

Okay, fine.

All right, all right.

Let's do this, let's do this thing!

All right, make some sh*ts.

What else are we here for, dude?

Let's do some sh*ts!

All right.

All right, you ready?

Hoo, hoo, hoo.

Let's see what you got.

Haunch.

(Mack groans, woman screams)

What was that?

All right, well...

(whistle blows)

That would have been cool if I was standing backwards.

Well, you're not going to stand backwards, you're going to stand forwards.

You're going...

What the hell are you two doing out here?

(Mack laughs)

Don't worry about it, bro.

We're practising...

You can't be out here swinging hockey sticks.

You're not even supposed to be out here without skates.

Now get out!

All right.

Out!

Okay, we're leaving.

You know what, Charlie?

I think he's right, dude.

Only a couple of jabronis come out here without skates on.

I got to do this thing in skates, man.

You know, work up a routine, really jazz the crowd.

Yeah, can I stop you, though?

Yeah.

You keep using this word "jabroni," and... it's awesome.

(Mack chuckles)

It's, like, the coolest word ever.

Is that, like, a hockey thing?

Yeah, I don't know.

It's... I think it's some Dago word, but it sounds like a hockey word.

It does sound...

You're gonna want to brush up on your hockey words at the beach house.

You're going to be hanging out with the Flyers.

Okay, we are back.

Dennis and Dee Reynolds here.

Uh, we're back to the podcast.

We got a little derailed earlier.

We did.

We did, but that's okay.

We're going to get back on track here.

Let's try and get back on track.

I got a hot topic that I want to talk about, Dee.

Tell me what it is.

Well, this is something I'm pretty charged up about.

Mm-hmm.

It's stem cell research.

Good one.

It's a very divisive issue these days.

Excellent one.

People are really going to town, one side against the other.

Some people are for it.

Oh, absolutely.

Some people are against it.

(duck quack sound effect)

What are you doing?

That was a duck.

Why would you make a duck noise right in the middle of my thing?

I was doing a thing.

It was funny.

It's a duck noise.

Yeah, but you derailed us.

I thought it upped the production value.

It's not.

You know, add some sound effects.

Well, don't.

Okay, well... Okay, so stem cell research...

(brakes squeal, metal crunches)

Stop doing that.

Stem cell research is a very... (machine g*n f*ring)

Why are you still...

Stop pushing sound effects.

I want to talk about... (laser blasts)

Which one was that one?

This one.

(laser blasts)

It's a laser beam.

Yeah.

I like that one.

You like that one.

Yeah, I want to pepper that one in.

Okay.

Don't do it while I'm talking.

All right.

Well, we'll see.

Hey, Frank!

That's Frank Reynolds, everybody.

I have a great topic for you.

w*r.

w*r!

w*r?

Good one.

Everyone's talking about the w*r.

And I have the perfect guest.

Okay, all right.

Ben the soldier.

Ben: Hey, Dee.

Good to see you.

What are you doing?

No. No, no, no.

I'm not comfortable with this.

Happening here.

Is the w*r happening here?

I don't know.

Let's get into all this stuff.

All right, great.

Ben the soldier's here with us, folks, and I want to talk to him, because, Ben, it's my understanding that there is a w*r going on right now.

Mm-hmm.

Am I right in this?

Well, actually, there are two wars right now.

Two wars?

You don't say.

We're in the midst of two wars all at once... Now, the United States of America is engaged in both of these wars?

Yes. Yes, they are.

And are either of these wars happening on U.S. soil?

Ben...

Excuse me.

Let me, let me, let me...

What is your job in the w*r?

Are you a carrier of-of, uh, large weaponry?

Let me just... How about if we talk about how you used to bang each other?

Yeah.

No.

What kind of technique did you use and tie-ups and stuff like that?

Frank, Frank.

Tie-ups.

It's not good radio.

'Cause people like sex.

Okay, well, let's... Okay, I just want to clarify what my producer Frank is actually referring to is the fact that Ben, our soldier here, and Dee used to be lovers.

(spring bounces)

(Dennis and Frank laugh)

Don't do that to me.

Don't do that to me.

That's a good one!

(spring bounces, Dennis laughs)

That's not funny.

It's not.

You're in the hot seat, girl.

I'm not in the hot seat.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you're in the hot seat.

Ben's in the hot seat.

All right, Mac, so you're going to come on the ice and fire out to center, right?

Do, like, a cool turn and get the crowd going.

Okay, so fire out...

Come on.

Huh?

What are you do...?

Huh?

That's not cool.

Wait, do you not know how to ice-skate?

No, not at all, but I figured you would teach me 'cause we got plenty of time.

We don't have time.

It's tomorrow night, man!

Charlie, you got to help me, dude, this is my big break.

Come on!

Oh, my God.

All right, we got a lot of work to do.

All right, here, grab the stick.

Ready?

Uh-huh.

And we'll start slow.

Oh, my... this is going to take forever, man.

That's good.

That's good, that's good.

I'm skating.

(Scarface: "Push It to the Limit")

♪ Push it to the limit ♪
♪ Limit ♪
♪ Walk along the razor's edge (Mac vomiting)

♪ Open up the limit ♪
♪ Limit ♪
♪ Past the point of no return You've reached the top But still you gotta learn How to keep it... ♪

No, no, no!

(both grunting)

(Mac whooshing)

♪ Hit the wheel And double the stakes Throttle wide open ♪

Like a bat out of hell And you crash the gates ♪
♪ Crash the gates ♪
♪ Going for the back Of beyond ♪
♪ Nothing gonna stop you ♪
♪ There's nothing that strong... ♪

(laughing and cheering)

♪ So close now You're nearly at the brink ♪
♪ So push it Ooh, yeah. ♪

Okay, next guest.

All right, Dennis, let's get this over with.

Well, don't bring her in here, stinking up the joint.

Come on.

Frank said you were gonna apologize to me.

(fart sound effect)

Oh, who's in the hot seat now?

(bell rings, music cue plays)

All right, let's not push too many of those.

(buzzing)

Okay, all right, you're abusing it, you're abusing it.

No, no, it's good.

It's going to get not funny after a little while.

Oops.

(wacky sound effect)

Let's stop.

All right, well, so let me understand this waitress.

Frank promised you an apology from me.

And now, you didn't believe him, did you?

(Sweet Dee laughing)

Yeah.

Really?

Okay, well, that makes you incredibly gullible and stupid.

Oh, oh, oh, don't take that from him.

Are you gonna take that from him?

You stand up for yourself.

(boxing bell rings)

I'm not leaving here until you apologize to me.

You're gonna be here for a while.

(cuckoo sound effect)

She's boring me.

I'll give you 50 bucks if you take off your top and you drink soup out of my shoe.

What?

Okay, now, that I'd like to see.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

What do you say, sister?

You need some extra cash?

No.

500 bucks.

Cricket, bring us some soup.

You'd pay me $500 to drink soup out of a shoe?'

And take your top off.

(clock ticking)

(buzzing)

Fine, I'll do it.

Oh, nice.

Oh!

But I am not taking my top off.

Well, that's a relief to all of us.

Oh, zing, gotcha.

(gong clanging)

Couldn't find soup, but I found some dirty dishwater.

Boom, even better.

(screaming and laughter)

Oh, my God!

(various wacky sound effects)

Oh, now this is good radio!

(duck quacks)

Holy sh*t, dude, there's a lot of people here.

I'm getting nervous, Charlie.

Yeah, you might throw up when you get out there, you know, from the nerves.

You're supposed to be my coach, dude, don't tell me I'm going to throw up.

I know when people do that, so try not to throw up.

Oh, come on, dude.

Mac, Charlie, what's up?

Oh, hey, you guys came to support me.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's why we're here.

Primarily, yeah, but... But also, you know, since we're here, we wanted to give you this tape so you could give it to those radio guys.

That's our demo tape.

We were recording the whole thing on a computer, but then the computer got water dumped all over it.

It was a whole thing.

Luther Vandross?

Is that still on there?

Oh, that's very off-putting, Dennis.

Yeah, we should have re-labelled it.

It's not Luther Vandross.

Make sure you tell him it's not Luther Vandross.

All right, let's get going.

Shh.

Mac from South Philly, get out here.

(cheering)

This is you.

Here we go, here we go.

Everybody, say a prayer.

(Mac exhales)

Let's do this.

Give him the tape.

(crowd cheering)

What is that?

The future of radio, you jabronis.

Jabronis... Cool word.

(dramatic (wild cheering)

Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac!

Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac!

Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac!

Mac, Mac!

Mac, Mac!

Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac!

Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac!

(crowd jeering)

Wake up, Mac.

Mac, Mac, wake up.

(Mac groaning)

Mac, wake up.

What happened?

Did I do good, Charlie?

No, you fell on your face almost immediately, man.

Who took the sh*t?

I took the sh*t.

Yeah, I-I missed wide right by, like, a mile.

It was terrible.

Look on the bright side, dude, I think you're going to be a sports celebrity after all 'cause they're definitely going to play that sh*t on ESPN.

(wacky sound effect playing repeatedly)