06x05 - Mac and Charlie: White Trash

[bunniefuu]

Hey, come on bro. Swim time.

It's a heat wave! Heat wave!

Sorry about that, can I help you?

Dude, checking in for the pool.

Check us in.

Sorry sir, you can't bring beer under the premises.

What?

You can't drink in this pool?

That's kind of weird.

Charlie, chop this, we'll just have to finish these out here.

Why don't you help us out?

No, I'm good.

More for us. You sure?

I'm sure, yeah.

You know, I'm going to assume you guys aren't members here.

You know what, why don't you just go ahead and sign us up.

We'll blaze through these in no time.

Yeah.

Actually, if you'd like to join our swim club, you need to be sponsored by two existing members.

But I'm sorry to tell you, fellas, that membership is currently at capacity.

At capacity?

Yeah.

We're in the middle of a terrible heat wave and you happen to be at capacity for us.

Well, you can try the public pool, but I should...

(belching): Well, thank you.

Thank you for your suggestion.

We're out of here.

Yeah.

Let's go.

(bleep) you.

You don't have to...

Oh, sir!

I cannot believe that that just happened.

In this day and age, dude.

I know, I can't believe there's such a big list.

Uh-uh.

Don't you get it, dude?

They'll always be "at capacity" for us.

I don't get that at all.

Is that what he said?

Don't you get it?

We got big-timed, dude.

He called us lower-class.

He called us lower-class?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I wouldn't argue with that, dude.

We're definitely lower-class.

Yeah, I'm not disputing that fact, dude.

I'm saying we shouldn't get boxed out for it.

It's bullshit.

Honestly, I just want to go swimming.

(belches)

Should we suck it up and go to the public pool?

Ugh, gross, dude.

I will not go to that disgusting public pool.

People there are gross.

I got a good idea.

Let's get out of here.

There she is, this is what I'm talking about bro.

Man, the old diving pool, remember how much fun we used to have here?

You know it's all "Deep End".

Hell yeah we had fun dude, you know why?

Because this was a pool for people like us, street guys!

And I think it's clear why it looks like sh*t now.

Well yeah, cause Jamie Nelson drown in it.

What ? No.

I was gonna say it was because of a pattern of discrimination.

Because this is a pool for lower class people.

What?

Yeah, look dude.

I say it's time we take matters into our own hands with this.

What you thinking?

I'm saying we're fixing up this pool.

Man, I'm going to have to keep tinkering with the A.C., 'cause I can't feel it at all.

Can you feel it?

Look, Charlie, you got to focus, okay?

A pool is a major investment.

So if we're going to get Frank on board with this, we have to approach him as equals.

Okay.

Now is that why you got that gold chain?

That's why I got the gold chain.

All right, okay.

I see what you're going after here.

Hey, Frank?

Frank: Yeah?

Hey, we have a little bit of a presentation for you.

Can you come down?

What's up?

What's with the sheet?

Not just yet, okay?

Please, have a seat.

Charlie, get Frank a beer.

(Charlie imitating airplane)

Don't do airplane noises.

Just give him the beer.

Good move.

Dee: Why don't we get beers?

Dennis: Yeah.

Because you're not even supposed to be here, okay?

Frank is the audience.

So just keep your mouths shut.

Sheet, sheet, sheet.

Okay, ready.

Hey-ho here we go!

Boom!

Pool!

Charlie and I found this abandoned pool that we used to swim in when we were kids.

It's, like, full of, like, all sorts of branches and sh*t...

It's a mess, it's a big mess.

If we have a little bit of money, we can clean it up, and then we can... - Pass.

Well, just let me finish.

I have a whole thing of...

Pass.

It's too much work.

What else you got?

So you guys are still all pissed off about not getting into that swim club?

Look, if you guys were there, you would know how we feel.

Oh, no, no, no.

Stop yourself right there.

See, we would not know how it feels, 'cause Dee and I would have waltzed right into that swim club.

Yeah, you don't lump Dennis and me in with you.

We're... We're high-class, so...

You should have seen this guy.

He would have lumped the sh*t out of you.

Dennis, we live in the same apartment.

Let me explain to you guys a little something about how class works.

You're born into class.

It's about pedigree, it's about upbringing.

It has nothing to do with your present circumstances.

No. See, Dennis and I were born upper-class, and therefore we currently are, and will forever remain, upper-class.

Frank, stop picking your teeth for one second.

And back us up on this.

Look, I quit on that sh*t.

You understand?

I quit on it.

I don't give a rat's ass about class.

I live on the fringe.

Fringe class is where I am.

Okay, great, you're in the fringe class.

I still maintain that Dee and I are in the upper class.

But, you know, all this talk has really gotten me thinking about taking a dip.

I'm hot as sh*t, Dee.

Oh, yeah.

We could go pop a hydrant.

We'd b*at the heat that way.

I'm not popping sh*t.

That's about as low-class as it gets. Dee?

Swim club.

Swim club.

Later, b*tches.

Okay.

Sorry, sir, we are at capacity.

Capacity?

That is unbelievable that you would use the word capacity with us.

We truly could not admit you, even if you had the sponsors, which you don't.

Okay, well, we know you.

You could sponsor us.

Yeah, I don't know what kind of idea you have about us, but we, sir, are like you.

Uh, send a little something sweet his way maybe.

Oh, a little sweetness, huh?

Want a little something sweet?

All right, if that's the only language he understands...

Sir, please, you're just embarrassing yourself now.

Oh, I'm embarrassing?

I'm embarrassing myself?

Said the elitist pool guy.

You know, what, Dee, I don't even think I'd want to be a part of some exclusionary pool club, propagated by this man... This hate monger.

Oh, yeah, I'm with you.

I bet you don't even have any black people here.

Excuse me, ma'am, but there is an African-American family right there.

Oh, well, good for you.

You keep a couple of token ones around, do you?

Parade 'em around like dancing monkeys?

Right... Oh, no... That's not...

I didn't mean it like that.

Monkeys?

It's a phrase that means...

It's a phrase.

Performing on command?

Listen, listen, you are more than happy to try the public pool.

Oh, can we?

Well, maybe we will.

Yeah.

Yeah, because we have class.

And having class means being able to mix with people that are beneath you.

Mm-hmm.

Come on.

Your shirt doesn't even fit, by the way.

If you want to be an elitist, get yourself a tailor.

Oh!

Oh, Dee, that's...

Yeah.

Severely lacking in class.

Too much? My bad.

Got carried away.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

This is like a g*dd*mn zoo.

Uh, there's a very disturbing lack of adults here.

That girl just jumped in with her sneakers on.

These people all have sneakers on.

All right, you know what's happening here?

We're just experiencing a little bit of culture shock.

These people are very different from the people that are at our normal pool environment, and this whole environment is very difficult.

And that's OK, it's not a bad thing.

Dennis, Deandra!

What are you doing here?

I tried to pop a hydrant, but there was no lookout, so I got shut down.

I see that you have a towel.

Where did you get that?

I don't see any attendants around here.

Oh, I, uh, I bartered fringe style with that guy over there.

I gave him a bite of my hot dog, he's letting me use his towel.

Want a bite?

No.

Yo, Mac.

Yeah?

Hey, dude, I think this right here has got "keeper pile" written all over it.

We could probably set some of this up strategically to kinda represent where all the cool sh*t in the pool's gonna be.

Like, you know, this rusty bike frame?

We could be, like, "That's where the swim-up bar is."

Swim-up bar!

Yeah.

That's good, dude.

Yeah, I got a whole plan, like, we'll dip one of those cans with the string on it into the water, and when we're underwater, we'll place our order, you know?

Two beers, please.

And when we swim up to the top, Dennis hands them to us.

Eh, well, I was sort of thinking we'd be at capacity for Dennis, but I guess if he's serving us, then that makes him lower than us, so that's cool.

Yeah, he'll be lower than us.

Don't worry about that.

I don't want to put a tin can in the water, though, with a string, you know, because we're not eight.

I just thought it'd be cool to put it in your ear, you put it in your mouth.

Yeah, I mean, that's not cool, but...

Well, it's classy.

Yeah, neither.

All right, well, you want to pop down here and help me chuck this mattress out?

Yeah.

It's kind of like the last big thing I got.

Yeah, we'll get all of this out of here.

Ooh, God, dude, it's really squishy.

Yeah, it's covered in chlorine water, but it's, you know, it's clean.

Yeah, you know there hasn't been chlorine in here since Jamie Nelson, but it's probably like raw sewage that's been sitting in here.

Uh... Uh, yeah, it's got a sewagey smell.

Yeah. All right.

Let's just chuck it out.

Ready?

Yeah, let's get it out of here.

All right, give it a boost.

You ready?

Both: One, two, three.

Both: Yay!

Whoo! I'm strong, dude.

I'm definitely the one who's stronger.

Whoo!

Wow, dude, this pool is sweet, man.

It's super deep.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Yeah. Hey, dude, um, how have you been getting in and out of here?

I was climbing up the mattress.

Sort of like a ladder-type situation.

Oh, sh*t!

Well...

Are we stuck in here?

I think we're stuck.

Help! Help!

Come on!

Come on, man!

I can't even make out an angle to do a lap or anything.

Ow! Son of a bitch!

What? What?

I just stepped on broken glass!

Ow! Oh, my God, there's shards of broken glass all over the bottom of the pool.

Well, now I know why people are wearing shoes.

Yeah, now the shoes make a lot of sense.

Okay, Frank, what in the hell are you doing with that watermelon, man?

You ever play this game?

You grease the watermelon up, you throw it in the pool, everybody goes crazy trying to grab it!

They can't grab it!

Greased watermelon!

Here it comes! Try to grab it!

Oh, no!

Come on.

Come on!

Ugh, I can't believe you borrowed hot dog guy's towel.

Yeah, well, I'm not proud of it.

Gross.

Listen, I have a proposition.

Yeah, I have a proposition, too : let me walk in front of you so you don't get your blood all over my feet.

That's fair.

Hey, why don't we call Mac and Charlie?

I just feel like their pool has gotta be better than this.

No, we don't want them to know that we didn't get into the private swim club.

Oh, son of a bitch!

What?

Which one of you little shits stole my shoes?!

g*dd*mn it!

I'm putting out a feeler call.

Stride, stride, stride, stride, execute!

Ah! Ah! Okay, I think I see what the problem is, though.

This move is intended for a back flip.

And what I need to do is a front flip.

Now if you needed a back flip, I'd be up that wall in a second.

No, you just wouldn't, because you don't know how to do a back flip.

Charlie, I do back flips every single day of my life.

No you don't, I have never seen...

Do a back flip right now please Can I see one? Let's see one.

I need to stay focused, and conserve energy.

(Charlie imitating Mac)

What if I need to do a back flip later?

You need to do some kind of flip now and you don't know how.

Cause you don't know how to flip, or do karate.

All you know what to do is talk me into doing sh*t, where I get stuck in a pool.

Where I'm definitely gonna die.

Oh wait, my phone's ringing.

You've had a cellphone this entire time?

Are you kidding me?

Hello ? Charlie, hey Dennis and I...

No, leave my name out of it.

It's Dee and Dennis dude, they'll rescue us.

No, do not tell them that we're stuck in here.

Because getting stuck in an abandoned pool is extremely low class.

Dennis will sink his teeth into it.

Ooh, I feel like if I talk to him, it's gonna kind of slip out.

Just don't let it slip out.

But I kind of want to tell him.

Oh my God! Just give me the phone.

It's Mac. How is it going over there in your deserted mine shaft or whatever?

Oh, it's pretty sweet here, okay?

It's very private.

Probably way more private than your piece of sh*t pool.

Really? (Chuckles)

I doubt that, you know.

Is that Mexican music?

Uh, the music.

Uh, you know, it's, it's...

You know what it is?

It's one of the attendants.

He's walking around with a ghetto blaster serving us drinks and just making us comfortable, giving us hats.

Why does it sound so echoey over there?

Nothing but relaxation going on over here, you know?

It's very relaxey.

We're stuck in the pool!

And that's probably what you're hearing is the, is the relaxation.

Hey! Hey, those are my shoes!

What?

Uh, the attendant, you know, he just walked off with my shoes, and ooh, it made me mad because he didn't ask.

But, but... But, but it's great because, in the end, I'm gonna end up with polished shoes.

You know how it goes.

Okay, bye.

Damn it, dude!

That private pool's awesome!

They have attendants!

Oh, my God!

Who's in attendance?

How many people?

No, she didn't say anything...

No, people that wait on them hand and foot.

Oh, my God, really?

Yes. Oh, my God, all right.

Dude, since when do you have a cell phone?

I buy 'em all the time now, you know?

You prepay for it, and then you buy it and you throw it away.

There's a name for it.

A burner?

A burner! That's a burner.

Dude, this is what drug dealers buy.

Oh, really?

This is a very specific sect of lower class, okay?

This is like, this is, like, felon class.

Felon class, huh?

God! All right, okay, so, let me see.

Who are we gonna call?

We can't call the police, right, because...

No, we're trespassing.

Yeah. Oh, I got an idea!

Let's order some food!

Oh-oh, yeah!

Then we have the delivery guy come, and he can help us out.

Perfect. And we can get some Chinese food 'cause that's the classiest poolside food you can have.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't get Chinese, though, because those delivery guys are always Chinese, and he won't understand a word we're saying and plus, he's probably gonna be too short.

Ooh...

Yeah.

I could really go for some Chinese food, though, man.

That'd be good.

But we're not actually eating the food, so...

I'm gonna eat the food, for sure.

I'm starving.

Okay, you know what, dude?

Let me handle it, all right?

I'm gonna call...

I'm gonna call pizza delivery.

Pizza, we're gonna get some pizza.

It'll be some big Italian lug and he'll fish us out of here.

Fish sounds good.

Yeah, see if they have fish there.

I'll ask.

This place is a sh*t hole.

I motion for Mac and Charlie's pool.

It just didn't sound like it was that bad over there.

Look, there's absolutely no way in hell I'm letting Mac and Charlie know that we didn't get into that swim club.

(clattering)

Ow!

What?

Ow! What the hell?!

What? What happened?

What was that?!

What?

That's a rock, Dennis.

These kid are throwing rocks at each other for fun.

I mean, what kind of savages throw rocks at each other to have fun times?

You know what?

I am done with this place.

I'm done with it.

We need to take another run at that swim club.

Yeah, well, we better before I lose it and I drown a child!

Here. Here you go.

We ate the watermelon.

(chuckles) Butter me up.

I'm gonna be the watermelon and jump in the pool.

Do my back; I can't do my back.

Go ahead.

Ugh!

(grunting and laughing)

Get ready for a rock in the eye, bro.

Ahh!

(both laugh)

(groans): Oh!

Oh, no!

Ow! That one really hurt.

That really hurt.

Truce, truce, truce, truce!

No more throwing rocks, right?

Hello?

Oh?

Uh-oh.

Hello? Eh!

Hey!

You guys ordered a pizza?

You got to be kidding me, He's Chinese His English sounds pretty good, so...

And he's kind of big, too.

Hey, we're stuck in this pool, dude... Can you help us out?

Is this a prank?

No, no, no.

Look, dude, dude, dude, look We'll pay you first, all right?

And then just help us out of here.

Charlie, you got some cash?

Uh... No. sh*t.

Check your front pockets.

What are you doing?

Well, no, I cut them off, 'cause they're overshooting the bottom of my shorts.

Forget it, I'm out of here.

Both: No, no, no, no, no, wait!

Hey, we'll give you a gold chain.

Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah.

Toss it up.

Okay.

Here you go. Okay.

Hey, toss that pizza down, too, man; I'm starving.

Yeah, might as well.

I haven't eaten.

Oh, no, dude!

Sorry.

Hey, bro, why don't you just toss down that hose, then you can pull us up.

See that hose right there?

That'd be good, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

All right.

Here you go.

Oh, that's perfect.

That's perfect.

Hey! Hey, this change is fake as sh*t, man.

I'm sorry, dude.

He's white trash.

Don't take it personally.

Don't take it personally!

Forget it, I'm out of here.

(Mac and Charlie shouting)

Don't go!

All right, whatever.

No problem, no problem.

You can just climb it, right?

I'm just going to climb right up it.

Okay, stand back 'cause it takes a real man to do this.

You ready, bro?

(Charlie and Mac yelling)

Oh, man!

Whoa!

Oh, dude!

All right, that's it.

I'm calling Dennis.

No, don't you understand?

This pool is our bootstraps and it's lifting us up Into the middle class, dude.

Just accept the fact that you're white trash.

Take a look at yourself, you can't do back flips.

You don't know karate, you're white trash!

You're white trash too, dude, look at those shorts are white trash Do not call those shorts white trash.

Dennis told me about these shorts and they're not white trash.

Look at this. Look what I can do.

What is white trash about that?

Don't call me white trash.

I feel if I had that kind of mobility, I'd be capable of pretty much anything.

Yeah, maybe then you could get the flip.

Although I doubt it, I really doubt it.

Can we just call Dennis?

Fine call Dennis Oh sh*t, dude!

I put the phone on my front pocket.

God... Damn it!

How is this gonna work?

We look bad.

We're getting in this pool if it's the last thing we do, OK?

We just need two sponsors and we'll get in, don't worry.

Really? You don't think we should go home and take a shower first?

We don't have time to take a shower.

Here we go.

Hi, hi, family, little ones.

Hey!

Hi, Mom.

Hey, listen, sorry to jump out in front of you like that, but as you've noticed, there is a bit of a heat wave going on in Philly right now.

Oh, it's a terrific heat wave, and I'll tell you what, it's affecting everybody.

It really is, and we're looking to cool down a little bit.

We thought this pool, that'd be a great place for us to cool off.

Oh, yeah, and you know what?

We just need a couple of sponsors.

Hey, Dee, um, you're bleeding a little bit.

Is it, is it bleeding?

Is it happening?

Kids, don't touch the blood.

Hey, guys, I got kicked out of that other pool.

This Filipino lady went crazy on me.

She scratched me like a velociraptor.

Just like stings like, aah!

Excuse me.

What is happening here?

These people are bleeding all over the place.

We're not bleeding all over the place.

All over the place?

Mrs. Baines, I am sorry if they were harassing you.

Please have a wonderful day.

We'll see you very soon.

Listen, buddy.

You gotta let us in the pool.

It's so hot!

Try to understand.

We are at capacity.

We're not at capacity 'cause I can see the pool from here...

We are at capacity, sir!

I'm jumping in the pool.

I'm jumping in the pool.

Yeah, plus I'm gonna piss in it... Heh-heh!

I'm jumping in the pool!

(crashing, clattering)

All right.

You see, Charlie, this is a proper memorial.

I think Jamie Nelson would've liked this, you know.

Yeah. I like, I like the skateboard 'cause Jamie loved skateboarding.

He did like skateboarding.

Not much of a swimmer.

Not a very good swimmer.

No. No, he wasn't.

Okay, well, I think we can both agree that we need to make sure that his spirit does not haunt us.

Yes, definitely want to ward off his spirit, so, if you know any...

Okay. Shall we join hands?

You know, voodoo or whatever, go ahead and...

Well, it's not called voodoo, okay?

This is, this is, this is the Lord Our Savior.

Okay, here we go.

"Lamb of God, who takes away..."

What is that?

Charlie let me do my thing.

I'll just let you do your thing.. Alright.

Lamb of God, who taketh away the souls of the world... Don't take his soul...

And get his soul out...

You don't have to provide any kind of...

Let me just do my thing.

I just want to be sure we get that spirit out of here.

™ª Lamb of God who takes away the sins of... ♪

Alligator tooth and snakeskin...

Don't undermine my prayer with voodoo.

Okay. Prayer.

Don't do it.

I won't do it.

™ª Lamb of God who takes... ♪

Alligator tooth and snakeskin spirit, take this spirit out of this pool.

You know what, if you're not going to take this seriously...

I'm taking it perfectly seriously.

What the hell is this?

Aah, oh, God... Nice!

Wow, this place is a sh*t hole, huh?

Yeah, I don't know why I thought it would look any different, honestly.

Get yo' spirit out of here!

Hey, guys, whoa.

Hey! (Chuckling)

What the hell are you doing down there?

Nothing.

We're just hanging out.

No, we got stuck in this...

Shut up! Shut up!

Nah, nah, we're good, we're good, we're good.

We're just chillin'.

Yeah, this is pathetic.

The word trashy just...

Doesn't even do it justice.

(Dee laughs)

Whatever.

What've you guys been doing here?

Why don't you go back to your fancy pool.

We're fine.

Fancy pool got old after a while.

Wait a second.

You guys didn't get into the pool, did you?

DEE & DENNIS: What?!

Oh, my God, you sons of b*tches!

You didn't get in.

Admit that you were low class just like us.

I'm not admitting sh*t because I did get into that pool.

I just got tired of swimming in it.

All right, then why are you here?

Why are you piping in trash?

You shut your mouth, trash.

Why are you calling me trash?

I defended you earlier 'cause of these shorts.

You are the ones that are trash!

Sitting in the bottom of a pool that's filled with trash, like trash.

You guys are white trash!

You admit it right now!

Oh! I hope you trash bags die at the bottom of this pool like Jamie Nelson did.

Don't bring Jamie Nelson into this!

All right, forget about it!

Stop it!

Just stop it!

I think I have a way for us to b*at the heat tonight, Philly style.

(fire hydrant squeaking)

Yeah!

Oh, yes!

(Frank drops wrench)

(laughing)

Dee, get the cup!

Get the cup!

Oh, yes!

(laughing and whooping)

(laughing)

Oh, yes.

Yeah!

(whooping)

Watch your balls!