06x06 - Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

I got a tickle, a really bad one.

Oh, sh*t, are you getting sick?

If you're getting sick, stay away from us.

N-N-N-No, I'd better not be getting sick.

I can't be getting sick.

I got to be able to talk to Groban tomorrow.

Who?

Josh Groban.

Artemis and I got backstage passes to his concert in the park tomorrow.

Charles Grodin is coming in concert and you didn't tell us?

Aw, we love Charles Grodin.

That dude is hysteri... I love that guy.

He brings out the curmudgeon in me. Yeah.

No, no, different guy.

Josh Groban is who I'm talking about.

Josh Groban, oh.

Is he Charles Grodin's son?

He's probably funny.

What do you think?

If he's related to Charles Grodin, he is. Don't worry about that.

Yeah, two totally different people.

Charles Grodin is a bitter old man with a giant head, and Josh Groban is a beautiful singer with the voice of an angel.

Oh, he's a singer.

Call Charles Grodin a bitter old man one more time and see what happens!

Ooh, ooh, calm down.

Alright, alright, sorry, alright, no big deal.

I got to go home anyway.

I should rest.

Stay... Come on.

No, don't come near me.

Don't make me sick. Alright, alright, don't touch me with that.

Don't make me sick. Get out!

Hey, stop it.

Mom, Mom, calm down, calm down, listen to me.

Okay, here's what you do, okay?

You close the curtains and you mind your own business, right?

They're not t*rrorists!

They're just Muslims.

Okay, well, I'm gonna hang up, okay? Hanging up.

Unbelievable, dude.

Ever since my Uncle Jack moved out, my mom's going crazy.

She's like, "Help me with this, help me with that, wash the floor, wash the ceiling, clean my car, get this, fix that.

Are there spiders here?

Are there spiders there?"

I'm sorry, the woman who brought you into the world and raised you needs you and you're going to ignore her?

Dude, it's crazy sh*t, it's insane sh*t, and I can't be constantly taking care of her.

I don't blame you, man.

I'm very much looking forward to not taking care of anyone when I'm older.

Well, what, what, you're not going to take care of me when I'm old?

Hell, no, I'm not going to take care of you; you were a terrible father to me.

Oh, I'll get Deandra to take care of me.

She'll take care of me.

Dee won't take care of you.

You just chased her out of here with a pool cue because she had a little cough.

(phone ringing)

Forget about it.

That's her.

Answer the phone, Charlie.

I'm just going to let it ring 'cause it's crazy sh*t.

Charlie, answer the g*dd*mn phone! Just...

It's not anything serious, Mac!

What?!

Hello, what, what is it?

Yeah.

Oh, well, that is a serious thing.

Okay, I'll let him know. Uh, Mac, your mom b*rned her house down.

Hey-o!

Good news, Dennis.

Mom's okay.

She fell asleep with a lit cigarette in her mouth and b*rned the entire house down, but the good news is she's fine.

Uh, oh, great. Yeah.

(Mrs. Mac coughs)

Um, where is she going to be staying?

Here, of course.

I'll stay in a shelter.

Hey, there's an idea... Shelter.

Absolutely not.

Okay, what about a nice nursing home?

Nursing home?

Do you have any idea what happens in those places, dude?

Why don't I just r*pe her myself?

r*pe her...? What are you talking about? What?

Yo, got your dog.

Poppins, hey, buddy, how you doing?

Poppins.

My God, I can't believe that dog's not dead.

Didn't you get him when you were, like, ten?

Oh, yeah, this dog is indestructible, dude.

Yeah, that dog is nasty, man.

I mean, he was, like, coughing the whole way over here.

He ate a couple cigarette butts off the ground.

He's got a wheeze.

He might have emphysema, man.

Oh, that's entirely possible.

Yeah, it wouldn't slow him down, though; he's a survivor.

He would disappear for months, but he would always come home.

Yeah, it looks like his eye is falling out.

Oh, is it?

What, it just bulges?

Yeah, it bulges out a little bit there.

Yeah, what you do is you just pop it back with your knuckle.

I'll show you how to do it. It's real easy.

I'm never gonna do that, You're gonna touch his eye with your knuckle?

You just, you just sort of pop it back in.

Oh, hang on a second.

What, Mom, what?

I'm not going to vacuum your ceiling.

Um, 'cause I already did it, okay?!

Dude!

Plastic splinters are the same as...

You won't get a splinter!

I got to go deal with this, man.

My mom wants me to...

No, no, no, no, no, no, wait, hold on a second.

It's back in, Dennis, check it out.

I don't care.

I have an idea that's going to solve all of our problems here, I do.

Your moms are going to live together.

Now hear me out.

This is going to be great.

Okay, Mac, your mom b*rned down her house with a cigarette, right?

Charlie, Uncle Jack moved out of your mom's house, so she's lonely, she's got no one to talk to.

Boom...

Mrs. Mac, your mom together.

Could be the perfect situation.

Come on.

They could be like "The Golden Girls".

You know, a couple of old ladies getting together, chasing men, eating cheesecake.

That'd be cool.

Sure, whatever.

I'm loving that idea, but my mom's going to be a tough sell, man.

Uh-huh.

I'll talk her into it.

Oh, it popped back out.

(Mrs. Mac coughs)

What the hell are you doing?

What?

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I went to the health food store.

I just grabbed a whole bunch of sh*t.

It's supposed to boost my immune system.

I'm not going to miss that show, Frank.

I'm a Grobanite.

Grobanites don't miss shows.

Josh Groban comes to town and we consider it a call to action.

What you're saying is very dorky.

Nevertheless, I brought you some stuff... A little bit of care package here.

Why?

I wanna make you well.

Coffee, I got you some Mexican peanuts...

I got you some candy...

I got you Stud magazine.

What's your angle?

What are you doing?

Deandra..

We have to take care of each other.

I'm gonna take care of you now and when I'm old and sick, you have to take care of me.

What?

No, no. I'm not doing that. Absolutely not.

You're on your own.

But... You OK?

Yeah? No? Sit down.

Open up. Put your head back.

Oh, God. Ugh.

Oh God.

Oh my God.

Look, you know what? You should go relax.

You should go rest now.

OK, look. I'm gonna do anything you need.

Anything you need, I will do it.

Just make believe I'm your sl*ve.

Okay.

Do my laundry.

Done.

Alright.

I'm gonna go rest. Don't bother me.

Alright.

No, no, no. I'm gonna be as quiet as a mouse.

You just rest, honey.

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

Okay, alright.

Well, ladies, I know this is a lot to digest, and that's why I'm here... to act as an unbiased negotiator in the process, and to sort out any problems or concerns.

Essentially just to make sure that you're both comfortable with this new arrangement.

I don't want to live with her.

Oh! Mom, why not?!

She smells.

I know she smells.

Alright... Okay, you can't talk about my mom like that.

Okay... You don't smell, and you look beautiful, okay?

Okay, I think what Charlie's mom is trying to say is that Mrs. Mac has a unique and earthy fragrance.

I smell like sh*t.

Okay, Mom, don't put yourself down, okay?

We talked about this.

You know, perhaps we could get Mrs.

Mac some perfume?

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

Mrs. Mac, what do you say?

What better way to kick off this new relationship than with a new fragrance?

Stop talking to me like I'm an assh*le.

Yeah.

She can't smoke in here.

I know, Mom. Uh...

Okay, okay, okay, well, that's... Well, now, Mrs.

Mac, I would never ask you to give up tobacco, but what if you were to switch to some sort of smokeless tobacco alternative?

Ugh! (grunts)

I know that grunt.

She's open to it.

Okay, so what do we say, we do a little bit of a trial run tonight?

Let's see what happens, and then we'll take it from there.

Okay.

That means absolutely.

Okay.

Great, great, great.

So, last step. Dog's tied up outside.

I'll grab him and get him inside and be on my way.

No, no, no dog.

Charlie, tell them.

OK, she is terrified of animals eating her face off...

I don't want a dog to eat my face, Charlie.

You want a dog eating her face?

Well, you know, That's not a problem.

We'll take the dog.

Oh, what I think Mac is trying to say... is not that we'll take the dog...

I'm saying exactly what I wanna say.

What I'm trying to say now is that we're taking the dog.

What I'm trying to say, Frank...

We're taking the dog.

We're not taking the dog...

He's not going to eat my mother's face off.

He's gonna be home with us.

Alright, alright, alright!

Fine, we'll take the dog.

Laundry's done.

Uh, those white shorts on top?

That's part of my outfit for tomorrow, so why don't you go and run an iron over those?

Oh! Hey, very whitey white.

Uh, you're not ragging it, are you?

What?!

What? Gross, Frank.

Come on.

You still get periods?

What are you doing?

Stop asking me that.

What? Gross! Come on.

I'm trying to bond with you.

That's how you want to bond with me? Asking me if I still get periods?

What's that stuff you're putting on?

That's beautiful. What is it?

Self tanner. For tomorrow.

Got to look good for Groban.

The, uh, tan's gonna make the white in the outfit pop, the white's gonna make the tan pop.

Josh Groban likes his ladies to pop, so...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, look who I brought.

It's Poppins! Yeah.

Oh, God.

That's Poppins?

Ooh. Yeah.

He's still alive?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I figured he could keep you company while you're sick.

Oh.

Dog looks like a gargoyle.

Yeah. He smells like piss.

Uh-huh.

Does it? Uh, uh-oh.

Is he dying?

No, no, no, he's fine.

Uh, by the way, you're gonna want to keep him away from that cream, too, 'cause he'll eat that sh*t.

Yeah, he ate a whole bottle of shampoo at our apartment earlier.

He loves sh*t like that.

Wow.

Yeah.

Sounds great.

Thanks for bringing him over, yeah.

Great dog.

He's a great dog.

I'm gonna finish this up in my bedroom.

Frank, why don't you make me another juice?

'Cause I feel like that green stuff's really working.

You got it.

Great. So, you'll keep the dog here, and then, uh...

What are you doing, Frank?

What's going on here?

Trying to score brownie points with your sister.

I mean, I need somebody to take care of me when I'm old and sick.

Oh, Jesus, you're still worried about that?

Why don't you just check yourself into a nursing home, Frank?

You have the money.

I'm not gonna put myself into one of those crypts.

As soon as you drop the soap, they r*pe your butt.

What?

That's what happens.

Mac told me.

What are you...? God...

People have a very strange conception of what goes on in nursing homes.

Frank, green juice, now!

(groans) The bitch is driving me crazy!

She's not even sick anymore.

You know, I support your plan, Frank, in so far as it insures that I won't have to take care of you when you get older, but you're going about this all wrong, honestly.

How do you mean?

Well, for one thing, she's in her apartment.

She's comfortable here.

She's on her home turf.

She's got all her amenities, she feels good here.

She doesn't need you here.

You need to thrust her into a hostile environment.

So that she needs you to protect her.

I should dump her under the bridge.

Dump her under the bridge? No, don't dump her under the bridge.

What are you talking about?

No.

You need to be there, Frank.

That's the whole point.

Just take her to your apartment, OK?

Now, separately, if this is going to work, she's gonna need to feel a little bit more than just a tickle on her throat.

So if she's not feeling sick, well...

Then we're just have to make her feel sick.

You're good.

Well, I'm a fixer, Frank, is what.

You're good.

That's what I do.

Dennis, listen, we should hang out more together.

Yeah.

Stop trying to bond with me.

They're not even talking to each other.

My mom's not very verbal.

I know, but they haven't even touched their cheesecake.

I mean, I feel like if you and I were in a room with a perfectly good cheesecake, all sorts of conversation would start happening.

Oh, Charlie, the funniest thing happened today when I was doing the laundry.

Mom, no, not me.

You got to talk to her, okay?

Don't talk to me.

Yeah, pretend like we're not even here, Mrs. Kelly, okay?

Go gossip.

About what?

Maybe you were at a supermarket one time, and you met a cute guy, and you were feeling saucy, and then you wanted to go back and talk to your friend, Sophia.

So you're like Blanche and she's like Sophia.

So, go ahead.

I don't go to the supermarket.

The shopping carts are dangerous.

Shopping carts are not dangerous, Mom.

There's nothing dangerous about a shopping cart!

Let's try a new tack.

Everybody, calm down.

This isn't working. Alright.

TV's going off. Boom.

Okay! That's good, right?

You guys are roommates now, so maybe you can get to know one another.

I'm hot.

My mom's hot.

I'm hot, too.

Okay, I got to be honest.

I'm hot, as well.

Can we turn the fan on?

Okay, well, the fan is broken.

It hasn't worked for years.

Oh, oh, okay. That's good.

My mom's very good with her hands.

Maybe she can fix it.

Oh, yeah?

Mom was the manager at Jiffy Lube for many years.

I never heard about this.

Yeah, well, she doesn't like to brag.

It's not her style.

Yeah, but she started at the bottom, worked her way to the tippy top.

Yeah, there was just three people working at Jiffy Lube.

It's not really a high climb.

Okay, well, please don't diminish my mother's achievements, okay?

Well, don't get too excited about your mother's achievements.

Okay, could you...

Mom, do you want to take a look at that fan, and see if you can fix it?

(grumbles indistinctly)

Hmm.

What was that?

It means, "Not right now, but there's a possibility that I could get to it tomorrow."

See, the problem is, once that sun goes down, you're not going to get this woman to do anything 'cause she thrives on sunlight.

She seems like she's never been in sunlight.

(groaning)

(spits)

Oh!

That's nasty.

Oh, Charlie, she's spitting into my porcelain.

Okay, well, that makes you mad.

Take it up with her!

Have a conversation with her.

Everybody, can we just...

Let's relax for a second.

Maybe I can get you, like, a...

Like, a beer bottle, would that be okay?

An empty beer bottle to spit in?

Yeah?

Okay, having fun.

♪ Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again, the heart is true you're a pal and confidante ♪

Don't look at me.

♪ And if you threw a party ♪

Turn your head.

♪ And invited everyone you knew ♪

You see? There.

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say... ♪

(TV volume increases)

Look at her!

(wind howling)

She's zonked.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, when she wakes up, she'll be really, really cold, so you just give her this blanket.

You know, get her some more juice.

You know, just be a dad to her.

Oh, this is so boring.

This is bullshit, I mean, God.

I mean, how long do I have to do this for?

What do you mean?

We've been here for, like, an hour, Frank.

You're the worst dad.

(gasps) Groban!

She's up.

I'll come find you.

Okay.

Daddy's here.

Take it easy, honey.

Okay, honey, don't get up.

Stay right where you are.

Don't go by the knives.

(thudding)

Let me backstage.

I think she's going backstage.

(laughing): Going backstage.

You sing so good.

Honey, honey, you want a blanky?

I'll swaddle you, baby.

I'll get to you.

No, no, tomorrow night.

You sing in my ears.

Where's she going?

She thinks she's going to the concert?

I don't know. She's walking.

She's, like, in a zombie state.

Ooh, she's going to bounce off all the walls.

I've never seen anything like this.

It's incredible.

Outside. She's going out.

Ooh, she's going to hit the skateboard.

Ooh.

Ah, did you see that? It's like Mr. Magoo.

(Dennis laughs)

(thudding down stairs)

(loud thud)

Ooh.

Oh.

Magoo never made that mistake.

No.

One... Two... Three.

(sighs)

Good night, honey.

Good night, Mac.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One. Two. Three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three...

Mrs. Kelly?

Yes?

Why are you doing everything in threes?

Oh, so Charlie doesn't die.

What?

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

That's crazy.

Bat sh*t crazy.

I don't know what to do.

What do you want me to say?

The woman's out of her damn mind.

Hey! Get the hell...

Is she waking up my mom?

No!

No!

No, Mom!

My mom does not like to be woken up, Mrs. Kelly!

sh*t! Get out of my room.

Just one more. One more.

One, two, three.

Get out of here, g*dd*mn it!

(door slams)

Whoa, whoa.

Mom, go to bed!

Oh, man, that was close.

Now you see where I get my temper, huh?

Yeah, one, two, three.

One, two, three.

(chuckles)

What are you doing?

Huh?

What was that?

Oh, you know, just playing it safe.

She's been doing it.

I'm still alive.

Can't be crazy.

Yeah, no, that's very crazy.

It does feel good to do stuff in threes.

Okay, you know what?

I'm pulling the plug on this whole thing, all right?

'Cause this and this?

This has got to stop.

Yeah you're right.

Tomorrow morning, I'm getting my mom out of here.

Let's just go to bed.

Yeah, this has not been a good situation.

Let's go to bed.

This one look off to you?

One, two, three.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

Hey, guys, we got some bagels and coffee.

One, two, three.

♪

There you go.

Oh, mom.

Uh, where's your chewing tobacco?

You know Mrs. Kelly doesn't like the smoke.

Oh, the ceiling fan is going to push all the smoke outside the windows.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, she's fixing the fan?

See? I told you, dude...

My mom is very handy.

Oh. The Muslims are back.

Where do you think they're coming and going from?

Damn foreigners!

They ain't American, I don't want to know 'em.

I know.

I wish they'd all go back to the desert.

Yeah!

So it does seem like they're bonding, huh?

Yeah. I mean, it's not really a Golden Girls type conversation, it's, like, a r*cist conversation, but...

Where the hell is my damn screwdriver?

I'm wiping all the germs off for you.

(groans): Quit cleaning my damn tools and sit your ass down! (coughs loudly)

sh*t, dude, we might want to even consider bringing Poppins back into this mix.

It does seem to be working.

Like it?

Ooh! Yes, I do.

Please don't hit me.

I have sensitive skin.

Let's just find the dog, and we'll talk about it there.

(whispers): Okay, alright.

Let's just let them be, though, huh?

Mm. Mm, mm.

♪ ♪

(Sweet Dee gasps)

Good morning, sleepyhead.

What?

Yeah, you're all tied up.

It's for your own safety.

Yeah, you took a dinger down the stairs.

Ooh, big-time.

You guys untie me right now!

Okay, I'll untie you if you promise to remember that I took care of you good.

Yeah, remember that, 'cause Frank took really good care of you, so you're gonna have to take care of him.

What are you talking about?

I feel way worse now than I ever did.

(gasps)

What is going on with my face?!

It's the bedbugs.

Oh!

But that'll last a little while, but it'll go away eventually.

Get the dog off me!

The dog stinks... Get the dog off me!

Fair enough, fair enough.

Poppins, let's go.

Come on, Poppins!

Hop up, Poppins, come on.

Oh, whoa.

Oh, I think Poppins got into the juice.

What?

Oh, no.

What juice?

Oh. He's ice-cold.

He's dead?

Yes! He's dead!

How is he dead?

Well, why would he be dead from the juice?

We k*lled Poppins? Oh, sh*t!

Oh, my God, Mac's gonna have a fit, dude.

I drank a lot of that juice...

I remember that very clearly!

I have an idea, Frank, I have an idea.

Fixer's always got a fix, right?

Yeah, what... Oh, this is gonna work, this is a good idea.

Grab Poppins. Let's go. Come on.

Take the dog?

Grab the dog!

What was in the juice?

Hold on. before you go, untie me.

Stay right there.

No, guys!

You guys, I got Groban in the park.

I got a dead dog over here.

I got Groban in the park!

Untie me!

(door closes)

What was in the juice?

(panting)

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Charlie, I think you're right, dude, I feel better about this.

More in control. Yeah.

Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yo, what's happening?

What's happening, guys?

Hey, I was just, uh...

We were hanging out, uh, in the alley, going for some air.

What's going on?

Yeah.

What are you guys doing?

We're actually looking for Poppins.

Yeah, we're gonna bring him back over to Charlie's mom's house.

They're gonna live together.

Poppins?

What happened to Poppins?

He w... He, uh...

You saw him.

Yeah, I... might've been...

Why are you guys acting so weird?

Yeah.

Why are... Why are you looking at that trash can?

Uh, nothing special about it.

I don't know.

What was in that trash bag?

Poppins.

What?!

Well, he ate a lot of cold medicine, and he croaked.

I'm sorry. He-he-he...

Yeah, he got into some cold medicine. Sorry.

So you threw him in the trash?

Yeah, what are you gonna do, send him to the moon? Right?

No, I want to have a proper burial for him.

That seemed proper enough for Poppins, you know?

Oh, no. He's fine.

What? He's fine?

Yeah, he's just in here chowing down on a diaper.

(Poppins whines)

Hey! Look at him.

But that dog was...

Come on. Hey, good boy.

That dog just does not die.

No, he does not.

Wow.

Oh, there he goes.

Ah.

Don't worry, guys, he will be back.

Yeah, well... Let's hope not.

Bon voyage, Poppins!

Have a good trip.

Back to the bar, or what?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure, let's drink.

(phone rings)

Yo, Frank, it's ***. have you seen Dee?

I'm backstage and *** the party is pumping.

Look, if you see her biatch tell her to get her ass down here.

Grobin's feeling frisky and somebody's gotta tap that ass.

Talk to you later.

No, no...

Grobin!!!

Noooo!