06x08 - The g*ng Gets a New Member

[bunniefuu]

♪ Butt, butt, butt...Open up the time capsule... Butt, butt, butt Open up the time capsule ♪

Frank: What are you doing?

♪ Butt, butt, butt ♪

Mac: I could watch him do that for hours.

Charlie: ♪ Open up the time capsule. ♪

(laughter)

What is the time capsule butt-butt?

Sweet Dee: We're about to open this time capsule that we buried ten years ago.

Oh.

Dennis: Yeah. (grunts)

What'd you put in there?

Oh, man, we just put a bunch of stuff in here that we thought would be valuable one day, like, uh, let's see, we got a Gregg Jeffries baseball card.

Future All-Star, future All-Star.

It wasn't valuable then.

Uh, we got a Korn CD.

Uh, we got a copy of Cider House Rules on laser disc.

Don't know why we thought that would be valuable.

That's a collector's item.

That's gonna be very... Be very careful with that.

Oh, my God, you guys, this is a letter to my future self.

What?!

Yeah. "Dear future Dee, How's Hollywood?

Congrats on all of your success.

Stay grounded.

Enclosed is a check for one million dollars.

Be sure to give it to Dr.

Larry Myers as a thank you for all of his inspiration."

Is this stupid?

This is just stupid.

Who's Dr. Larry Myers?

Nobody. Doesn't matter.

Just my high school drama teacher.

This is just... it's dumb.

Like, why would we put such stupid stuff in here, and also we bur-buried it, and then we opened it ten years later?

What, are you supposed to just, oh, bury it, open right up, and not give yourself any time to fulfill any kind of dreams or...

The whole thing's dumb.

Like, Cider House Rules?

Okay.

Hormones.

She's all worked out.

It's the fattening.

What else is in there?

Uh, oh!

Old pictures! Old pictures!

Pictures!

Holy sh*t, look at that!

Look!

The g*ng.

Whew.

Who's this jag-off?

Look.

Oh, that's Schmidty!

Schmidty!

He was the fourth member of our crew.

There was another member of the g*ng?

Oh, yeah, dude.

I miss him, dude.

Why did we ditch him in the first place?

I can't remember.

I don't know.

Eh, he wasn't a good fit.

Remember? You know?

Kind of got on our nerves.

He didn't get on my nerves.

No, he never got on my nerves.

I actually really loved that guy.

You know what, I remember now.

Charlie soured on him, and then he, like, gave us an ultimatum.

You remember?

And then we all turned on th guy pretty quickly...

I mean, we all agreed he was out of the... You pushed him out of a moving car and yelled "You're out of the g*ng!"

Now, in hindsight, that does seem a little rash.

Yeah, it was a bit of a snap decision.

Why don't you call this Schmidty guy up and see what he's up to now?

You know, I do feel like we owe the guy an apology.

Yeah. You know what, I'd love to see Schmidty.

I would, too.

Yeah, but that's a bad snap decision, you know?

Like, there's a reason he didn't work out.

We got a good thing going on now without him.

We don't need a new member of the g*ng.

Don't get Schmidty.

Don't get Schmidty.

I'm really *** to meet this guy.

Oh, he was the coolest.

Seriously.

Oh...

Hey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mrs. Schmidt, it's it's Dennis.

And Mac. You remember us, right?

We're looking for Schmidty. He around?

He's dead.

Oh, gosh, that is too bad.

We're sorry for your loss.

Hiyah!

What's up b*tches?

That's Schmidty?

Hey, we thought that you were dead.

He made me say it.

I made you say it. listen to you, mom.

You seen that sh*t?

He jumped down a whole flight of stairs.

I didn't see you down there, Chuckles.

How you been, little man?

Not that little, you know?

Regular size.

Maybe he, but...

Not anymore.

Put on a few LB's since I saw you last, huh?

No. Same weight.

Same weight I always been.

Yeah, no, he put on a lot of weight.

No, you tacked on weight.

I tacked on mass, muscle mass.

Who's this old son of a bitch?

I'm Frank.

Frank?

Frank.

I'm Schmidty.

Nice to... put her there.

No!

(laughter)

Don't kiss him.

Hey, uh, so what brings you dicks here, huh?

Oh, well, Schmidty, um, honestly, we came around here because we, um...

Go ahead.

...want to say we're sorry, Schmidty.

Yeah, yeah, we... Can you take this, Mac?

Yeah, man, I got this.

Hey, man, we just want to say we're sorry for icing you out in the past, and we'd like your forgiveness.

Yeah.

Get on your knees and ask.

Excuse me?

Get down on your knees and ask.

Show some humility, for Christ's sake.

Really?

Yeah.

Ah, man.

Whatever it takes, Schmidty.

Wow, you're really doing it.

I'm kidding.

Ah!

Oh, oh, he's joking!

Oh, man!

Come on, guys, have some dignity, some respect for yourselves.

You forgive us?

Absolutely.

Classy, Schmidty.

Very classy.

(school bell ringing)

Dr. Myers?

Myers: Yes?

Hi.

Dee Reynolds.

I was in the school musical.

Frankenstein.

Yes, of course!

Deandra Reynolds!

Yeah!

Sit, darling, sit.

Thank you.

Listen, I came to talk to you about high school.

I... Oh, uh... (clears throat)

I was drinking a lot back then, so if I did anything inappropriate...

Oh, no, no, no.

Not at all.

In fact, the opposite.

You were, like, the most inspiring teacher I had.

In fact, I-I wrote you this check ten years ago.

In hopes that I can one day give it to you, as a thank you.

May you rot in hell, you retched beast!

Oh...

Um, I'm confused...

Frankenstein.

That's what the villagers screamed at you, just before you threw yourself at the funeral pier.

Aah.

You were such a hideous delight in that show.

Thank you.

Yes, okay.

So you're saying "don't give up", I shouldn't give up on my dream.

No my dear, you must give up. You must.

It's far too late for you.

But it's not too late to teach.

Come speak to the kids, inspire them.

It's an opportunity to share your unique experiences.

Uh-huh.

The question is: Will you seize it?

Mm...

No, thank you.

Five...

What?

...four, three...

No, I just never wanted to be teaching. two, one...

No offense.

What are you doing?

Okay, yes.

And there you have it!

A teacher is born.

(laughs)

Well...

Man, this is unbelievable, huh?

Working at a bar, running a bar?

This has got to be, like, the greatest job ever, right?

It is, man, this is what we do.

Yeah, lot of dicking around, huh?

Hey, um, you're still, uh, living with your mom, huh?

That sounds kind of lame.

Yeah, well, I mean, it's the MS that's really lame.

You know?

Oh, your mom has...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's doing all right, though.

I moved in with her to take care of her and stuff like that.

It's good to really get to know her before, you know, uh, she moves on.

Oh... Kind of a downer, that story, though.

Kind of a downer.

What about you, man?

What's your living situation like these days?

What do you do?

What are you up to?

Uh, it's pretty sweet.

I am.

I'm his living situation.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, we share a bed.

Well, not every night.

That's hilarious.

You know, Charlie and I used to be roomies.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you remember that?

Hey, you remember how you used to try to get me to play all those-those lame games, you know, those weird things you'd want to do at night?

Like, uh, Night Crawlers.

I play Night Crawlers all the time.

You do?

Frank enjoys this game very much.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but to make Night Crawlers a little bit better you should use blankets, right?

You take a piece of dirt.

Exactly, you can use it as a force field, or as a roaming base.

Yeah, it's kind of a good idea cause, you know, it's an imagination based game.

It's still imagination based.

Oh, I have an idea.

Dennis, remember you and Mac were laughing when I did the butt dance?

They love that when I do it.

Guys, watch me, watch me, will you?

Oh, yeah!

5, 6, 7, 8...

♪ butt, butt, butt ♪

Oh, Charlie, no...

Where is this coming from?

This is embarrassing.

Guys, be excited!

Charlie, lemme see.

You're not having fun doing this, so we're not having fun watching it, buddy.

Watch, it's like this, it's like I don't know, something like ♪ butt, butt, butt ♪
♪ butt, butt, butt ♪
♪ butt! ♪

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hyah!

(laughing and cheering)

Butt dance 2.0.

Butt dance 2.0.

Beautiful, man.

Schmitdy, know what you got?

You know what you got that Charlie doesn't really quite have?

You have that "it" factor.

You know what I'm saying?

It's charisma.

It's, like, you got it.

Hey, you guys!

Uh, can I talk to you in the back office for a second real quick?

I can't believe this dude.

He has not changed in years, man.

Look, you guys need to make a decision right now, okay?

It is either him, or it is me.

Him.

Yeah.

I was going to say him, too.

Yeah, him, him.

Yeah, you know, it's always been him.

I don't know why I didn't see that before.

I'm out of the g*ng?

Him.

Him.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, there.

My name is Dee Reynolds, and not only am I a professional actress and comedienne, uh, but I also used to go to school here.

What have you acted in?

A lot of... a lot.

I've acted in a lot of things.

You-you may not have seen all of them or any of them.

You know, it's not time for questions.

I'll let you know when it's time for questions, though, ok?

And the phone goes away.

And the phone goes into your pocket or into your backpack, but not out, in your fingers, because I'm talking.

No, I'm a'ight.

Yeah, said the turkey.

Uh-oh.

(laughing): Oh, no.

Who's she?

Who's she?

She's somebody that'll zing you back, right?

I'll zing you.

I'll zap you, I'll zing you, so just know that about me.

(students coughing)

You know, I know that, uh, you guys are 18 and you're seniors, and so...

Okay, what is it that they're doing?

What is this that they're doing?

Oh, they're doing their coughing thing.

Yeah, I hear that.

All right, kids, settle down.

You can, uh, read, pull out your phones, whatever.

They do love their phones.

What...? That's it?

You're just going to sit in the corner and hem away at your sock all day?

No, where... where is the teacher that I knew?

Where is that inspirational man?

My enthusiasm in those days was fueled entirely by the alcohol.

(Charlie whistles)

Dee, hey!

Come here, come here.

Charlie, what are you... what are you doing?

Got kicked out of the g*ng.

What are you up to?

You want to hang out?

No, Charlie.

I don't want to hang out.

I-I have a job.

I'm a teacher now, so I got to get back to inspiring some students.

Oh, that's pretty sweet.

You want to toss some inspiration my way, you know, 'cause the guys think Schmidty's all that and, like, I'm no good?

Okay, Charlie, how about this?

You are really good at cleaning sh*t out of toilets and-and taking trash and throwing it into dumpsters, so why don't you get a new job somewhere else doing those kinds of things and make friends there, okay?

Okay, Dee, so are you saying get a job here as a janitor, and then you and I can be best friends?

That is absolutely not what I was saying.

I'm going to talk to the principal, see if I can get that job, and then we'll work on the friendship thing.

Don't do that.

No, don't do that.

Charlie, don't do that.

Oh, g*dd*mn it, don't do that.

That... this is my thing.

What, what, what, what, what?

Here we go.

Hey, all right!

There's the man.

What's up, buddy?

This place is pretty nice.

Yeah.

What's going on? You guys are gonna try and bang me afterwards or something?

Very nice turn you made.

Um, we only come here for special occasions.

Yeah.

Good, good, what's the occasion?

Well we brought you to this luncheon, Schmidty, because we want to make this official.

Mac, do you have the ring?

Ok, great, um...

Schmidty, we, uh...

We missed a lot of good, good years.

A lot of special time...

Yeah?

...with you. And...

Thanks.

You know what, I don't think I can do this.

It's alright, I'll take this.

Why is he being a big damn puss?

Um, Schmidty...

He's emotional.

We want you back... if you'll have this.

What the hell is this sh*t?

It's a sterling silver clover ring.

When we put all four of them together, makes a four-leaf clover, solidifying our bond for all time.

You're kidding, though, right?

No, we've never been more serious in our lives.

Yeah.

Yeah, whatever, I don't care.

Sure.

All right!

He said yes!

That's a yes!

We bagged him.

We certainly did.

Oh, food's here!

Food is here.

Oh, no, wait, though.

I didn't order yet.

Oh, that's okay.

I took care of the food already.

Yes, Dennis orders for us.

That is a humongous shrimp.

Well, it's 'cause it's not a shrimp, Frank; it's a prawn.

Yeah, and I don't like prawns, so I eat around them.

Well, I'll take your prawns if you want to take my salad.

Eh.

No?

Okay, yeah, that's what I'll do.

Yeah, you can do that.

Just put your prawns on the salad.

Why don't you just order what you want?

Uh, well, Dennis kind of has the best palate.

Yeah, I have the most refined palate, Schmidty.

That's just how we do things now.

You've been away for a while.

It's fine.

No, no, that's not what I'm going to do.

Excuse me.

Hey, come here really quick.

Um, can I get, uh... you have linguine?

Yeah, can I get linguine instead?

And, uh, what do you guys want?

Order whatever you want.

Linguine's too heavy for lunch.

No, no, what do you want?

I want fries.

Fries for this guy.

I can have fries?

Oh, you don't like your salad all of a sudden, Mac?

I... Dennis, I hate salad.

You hate salad?

Where is this coming from?

I hate this restaurant.

Yeah, this restaurant blows.

I'll have a ginger ale.

All right, there you go.

Come on, man, get into it.

I'm saying that now.

Can I say that now?

What?

Hyah!

Absolutely, take it.

It's yours.

By all means.

What'd you get, a ginger ale?

I'm a little confused.

Are you telling me that this photo of Bruce Jenner is your résumé?

Well, when I showed up this morning, I didn't have a formal résumé on me, so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could... could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.

I see, and you're looking for a job as a substitute teacher?

Substitute janitor, all right?

Look, I'll clean this building so good, you're not going to know what to do with yourself.

You know what I mean?

And I'm not a proud man.

You know, I'll do the jobs that the other guys don't want to do.

I'll degrade myself.

I'll make a genuine ass out of myself.

Yeah.

Hey, look, I'll swallow that eraser whole just to prove it to you.

Uh, no, no.

Please, please, no.

I'll swallow it whole.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You don't have to do that, but I-I have to say, I don't think I've ever encountered someone who's so passionate about joining our custodial staff.

The passion I have for the work that I do is extraordinary.

It probably goes beyond janitor.

Uh-uh.

And I'm serious. I'm gonna eat that eraser whole.

Oh, no, no, it's not... it's not necessary.

You don't need to t the eraser to prove your point.

Uh, you have the job.

Are you serious?

I love your attitude.

It's fantastic.

Sir, I am not going to let you down.

I mean, I'm going to start cleaning immediately.

Immediately.

Uh, but first, can I eat the eraser?

You're saying you want to eat the eraser?

Well, I'm asking you if it's edible because it certainly smells of grapes.

I don't think it's edible.

Can I just test it?

I'd rather you didn't.

I kinda want... I might need it.

All right.

You win this one.

I'll pick up one of my own.

I'll eat that one.

That way everybody wins.

All right, well, welcome aboard.

All right, all right, thanks so much.

Ridiculous. It's ridiculous.

I mean, where the hell is he?

What did we say?

We said 3:00.

So we said 3:00, and it's, like...

(makes whipping sound)

Hyah!

What's crappenin', fellas?

Hey, Schmidty, running kinda late there, huh?

Am I?

I didn't think it mattered.

How could it not matter?

I mean, this is the final phase of your initiation back into the g*ng, so it kinda matters a matters a lot.

It actually does.

Whoa. Um, where's your ring?

Oh, come on.

You didn't want me to really wear that thing, did ya?

Yeah...

Oh.

We're sort of sticklers for that kind of thing, too.

So pop that on.

I will. Okay.

Sorry about that.

Time and ring. Good. Got it.

Yeah.

Oh! Hey, look at this!

Nice setup fellas.

Candles? Where did you steal these from, huh?

(chuckles) Uh-oh!

When the hell'd you take that?

Don't worry about it, Schmidty.

We got to ya.

This is weird as hell.

You guys see that, right?

What's weird about this?

This is a men's ceremony, okay?

They have ceremonies for all sorts of men's clubs.

Yeah, the Mafia, the Freemasons, the White House.

The White House, they do it.

This is cool, okay?

Trust me, what we're doing is very cool.

Okay.

Mack, why don't we get started?

You'll get it.

He'll understand as the ceremony progresses.

All right, Schmidty, please have a seat in the ceremonial seat.

I'll do the candles.

Uh, Frank, please do the candles.

Dennis, the song.

All right, the song.

(monks chanting to disco b*at)

Uh, (laughs) look at that!

All right, take it, take it take it seriously.

I am. I'm locked in.

Okay, I will now begin the ceremony by administering a sweet roundhouse kick to the bell.

To the bell?

(inhales deeply)

(exhales sharply)

Uh-oh, whiff!

I just missed that.

I just missed that.

(exhales breath)

Dude, you're not even close.

No, Schmidty, this is all part of the ceremony.

You gotta stretch before this thing, huh?

Enjoy it.

One last cr*ck, come on.

(Dennis groans)

Oh, man, this is pathetic.

Here, dude, look, it goes something like this.

Hyah! (bell rings)

I'm excited. I am.

I mean, the first part of the ceremony was a little lame, but ending it with a hot air balloon ride, that kicks ass.

Yeah, yeah, all those things.

Yup.

Frank, now!

Push, Frank, push!

Go, go, go!

I got him. I got him.

Come on. Stop.

Get out!

Come on, Frank, Frank, push him out!

What are you doing, trying to push me out of a moving car again?

Yes.

g*dd*mn it, pull over.

Why are you doing this?

I'll just pull over.

Good job, Frank.

Tub of lard over here.

Give me back the ring, all right?

'Cause you don't deserve it!

Take the ring.

Get out of here!

You're out of the g*ng, Schmidty!

You're out of the g*ng, Schmidty!

Get out! You're out! You're out!

Okay, got it. I heard ya.

Nice seeing you guys again.

Very nice meeting you.

Get out of the car!

I heard you.

I'm getting out, okay?

Now, Dennis, peel out.

I was gonna peel out and...

Don't take the steam out.

Tell people we pushed you!

All right, class, feel free to text or watch movies, whatever it is you do.

(door opens)

Not today, Doc.

What are you doing, Dee?

I am inspiring you.

Rise and shine, dickwad.

Okay, this is a great teacher, but he is wasted on you.

Well, not anymore.

We're gonna be rehearsing a little musical today called Frankenstein.

This is stupid.

Get out.

You're stupid, What?

You heard me.

You get out of here, you stupid idiot.

It's fine with me.

Yeah, good.

And anybody else who doesn't want to be here today, you can get out now, too.

Hey, you want to go to the mall?

No, no, wait. No, no, stop.

Now come on, you guys!

That's... Not everybody.

Sit back down.

That's just something people say.

You guys are gonna love this.

Okay, let's get started.

Have you seen Dr. Frankenstein's creation that they all speak of?

Nay, I've heard tales told of his hideousness.

A monster most foul.

(plays glissando on piano)

(jaunty melody playing)

♪ My face composed of rotten flesh, roar, roar!

♪ A hideous beast with deadly clutch, roar, roar!

♪ Another's heart beats in my chest I'll never know a woman's touch... Roar! ♪

And then I retreat into the mist and Dr. Myers, you are Dr. Frankenstein so get up here and get acting!

With pleasure, Dee!

Just let me set the loop, and here I come!

(yells)

(screaming)

Oh, whoops. That's not...

I am shattered to pieces!

Are you acting right now?

No, I'm not acting, you bitch!

I think I've broke my hip.

Why is this damn stage so slippery?

(groans)

Charlie boy!

This floor is slippery, man.

Old school slippery 'cause I waxed it real good with this awesome power waxer that the school provided me.

I did this whole place in, like, two hours.

Oh, nice. Whoa, that's impressive.

Yeah.

Dee inspired me.

She said, "You're an awesome janitor, Charlie.

"You can make this whole school slippery."

I said, "Sure, I'll give it my best sh*t."

Then she's, like, "Let's be best friends."

And I was, like, "Sure, I'll give that my best sh*t, too."

So we're best friends now.

Yeah, yeah, that's quite a conversation you had with her, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

What do you guys want?

Oh, well, we, uh, we came to ya because we wanted to tell you that we're sorry for picking Schmidty over you, and we feel like we made a big mistake, and we want you back, buddy.

(voice breaking): And, uh, we pushed him out of a moving car for you.

I can't do it.

What is wrong with you?

All right, I'll handle it.

Charlie, we have an announcement to make: it's your lucky day.

We want you back.

Mac/Frank: Yeah.

Gotta say this is pretty classy, guys, but I wish you gave me one of these a long time time ago 'cause I'm a janitor now.

(power waxer whirring)