09x07 - The g*ng Gets Quarantined

[bunniefuu]

All: ♪ Motownphilly's back again ♪

Dee: ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
♪ Doing a little East Coast swing Boyz II Men going off... ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Not too hard, not too soft ♪

Dennis: ♪ Back in school We used to dream about this Every day ♪
♪ Could it really happen Or do dreams just fade away? ♪

No, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop, stop.

God, guys, damn it.

I mean, you know, I need a little... (sighs) a little buoyancy in the harmonies.

I mean, listen to the lyrics.

Right? "Not too hard... not too soft."

You were coming in pretty hard, I would say.

The lead's got to cut through, Dee.

Charlie: I don't know, man.

I thought we sounded pretty good.

Oh, we sounded "pretty good."

Oh, hi, super group Boyz II Men, please let us win your contest.

We sound, eh, pretty good.

Come on, man.

If we're gonna open for Boyz II Men at the Boyz II Men concert, we need to dazzle them with our harmonies.

Mmm...

Okay.

Frank: He's dead.

Rodriguez is dead.

Frank, will you get out of here?

We're in the middle of Boyz II Men rehearsal.

Well, hold on a second.

I'll bite-- who's Rodriguez?

That sweet old man from our building.

This is the worst flu that Philly has ever seen.

Wow.

We have to quarantine ourselves.

What?

Mac: Frank, we're not gonna die of the flu because we're young and vital.

You are old and feeble.

Actually, Frank does bring up a good point.

We can't afford to get sick right now.

'Cause you know what you can't do when you get the flu?

Sing?

Sing.

Sing.

Yeah, I mean, I was gonna...

You wanted to say it?

Yeah, but I wanted to say it.

Oh, sh*t, well, I'm sorry, man.

Uh, do you want to ask it again, or...?

Ask us again.

Uh, you know what you can't do when you get...?

Nah, forget it, it's fine.

Quarantine, baby!

All right, this is gonna be good.

Everybody find a spot to put your sleeping bags and we'll be all set.

All right, Frank, where we at, my man?

Well, right there.

You know, you don't have to sleep together.

It's a comfort thing.

Guys, I got to say, I'm excited to play quarantine.

Oh, my God, for the last time, we're not playing quarantine, this is a quarantine.

Huh?

I'm gonna get so blacked out.

Yeah!

What are you talking about?

Mac, do you want to lose this singing contest?

Why do you think we're quarantining ourselves in the first place?

To protect my life!

No, to preserve our vocal cords, okay?

Which also means no alcohol, guys.

Come on, dude!

That's crazy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, that's a good idea.

Because alcohol lowers your immune system.

Well, why the hell are we quarantining ourselves in a bar, if we can't drink?

We got to drink.

Yes, hi, I'd like to order two pepperonis, one combo and breadsticks, like, a shitload of breadsticks...

(Frank grunting)

Hey!

You can't do that.

This is a quarantine.

Nothing goes out, nothing comes in.

Especially a pizza guy.

Going house to house, handling money, banging lonely broads.

They're filthy!

All right, come on, listen.

I'm gonna take all your cell phones.

You lost your privileges.

Thanks a lot, Dee.

It's just until the vaccine is replenished.

He does make a good point, you know?

Vaccines really do work.

My mom used to vaccinate me, like, every month, and I never got sick.

The reason you didn't get sick was because you and your mom would wear those ridiculous bubble boy suits during the flu season.

Okay, what are we gonna do in here if we can't eat pizza or drink beer?

Well, I'll tell you exactly what we're gonna do.

All: Practice.

Come on, man, you know, like, just let me do it.

Like, why do you keep doing that?

Why do you guys keep stealing that from me?

All: ♪ Dum-dum-dum-da-da Dum-dum-dum-da-da Die-ya-ya-yada Da-da-da-ah-oh. ♪

Yes!

That was good.

That sounded... that's harmony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was terrible, let's try it again, let's try, let's do it it again.

We've been working this forever.

I think it's fine for now.

Yeah.

You think fine is good enough for the Boyz II the Men?

Ah, calm down.

Okay, guys, I think we're focusing a little too much on the singing and not enough on the showmanship.

You know, maybe we should work out a couple of sweet dance moves, you know?

What is that? Yeah.

Like, that we could all do in unison.

Or maybe we could wear the same outfit!

Okay, yes!

We'll create a visual harmony, same outfit, good.

Oh, you guys, you guys, if we want to stand out, you know what we got to do?

We got to focus on our story.

Yes!

Those competitions are all about how singing helped you overcome some major obstacle, you know?

So I'll do, like, a stutter, and I'll say I got it from-from watching, like, a friend get blown to bits in Iraq.

Ooh, ooh, you know what?

And do it with a Southern accent and talk about Jesus a lot.

Yeah!

Good, good, okay, so we'll be, like, a group of, like, Southern, stuttering army vets with, like, a religious bend.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, and then we'll all be in the same outfit.

Oh, we should be, like, carnies.

We're gonna be carnies.

Religious stuttering army carnies.

Who love Jesus.

And watched our friends explode on stage.

And have pearls and sing...

♪ My friend exploded My friend exploded... ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

It's great, no?

Hey.

No.

Absolutely not.

Are you kidding me?

What?

What?

It's a singing competition.

So can we please work on our harmonies?

And not talk about dressing like army carnies?

But then maybe one of us can be a...

One, two, three.

(banging in distance)

g*dd*mn it! Come out here!

Come on out here.

What? What? What?

What is your problem?

This.

I found it in the back office in the garbage.

It's still warm.

This whole quarantine has been compromised.

What... me?!

Come on... come on.

Why would I do it?

You guys would suspect me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a recent delivery you made to Paddy's Pub.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?

(Dennis chuckling)

Spider-Man.

That's very clever, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.

How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...

(Dennis stammers)

I cut it when I found the pizza.

Holy sh*t.

Dennis is Spider-Man.

No... no one is Spider-Man.

Fine, yeah, oh, yeah, it was me, the evil villain with the perfect voice who ordered the pizza, but, guys, you don't have to worry about me, all right?

I can fight off whatever stupid illness this pizza may or may not have had, all right?

I'm in perfect control of my body.

Just like I am with my voice.

I-I-I can go from flaccid to erect at a moment's notice.

He can, I've seen it.

Buddy, you're seeing it.

You're all seeing it.

'Cause I'm doing it right now.

Flaccid, erect.

Flaccid, erect.

Flaccid, erect.

Not too hard, not too soft.

Come on, what are you doing?!

You're gonna quarantine me inside a quarantine, really?

Aw, sh...

Now, this is the look that I was talking about.

You got the bow ties and the ball caps.

It's casual formal.

Yeah, right, right, right.

Like, are they bat boys or are they butlers?

You don't know, but it's like a sweet look.

Dennis: ♪ Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma. ♪

What is he doing?

Oh, I'm just warming up my voice a little bit.

You guys should, uh, keep warm.

Stay warm.

Oh, my God, I'm loving him in the bathroom.

Me, too.

I mean, it's great.

Now, I did a little sketch of the outfit myself.

And I wasn't quite sure what you were going for.

Like, if we were all each gonna be a body part, or if you wanted us mashed in this thing side-by-side somehow?

What are you talking about?

Well, you said that we're all in the same outfit, right?

So I'm trying to figure, like, who goes where.

"Same" as in "matching," not same as in jammed into the same set of clothing.

Okay, not sure that's as good, 'cause this really makes a splash with the crowd.

Dee, what do you think about all this?

(hick accent): D-D-D-Don't-

Don't put me on the spot.

I-I'm just, I-I-I'm just a Jesus-loving e-e-ex-marine.

That's really good.

I mean, so, so sad.

It's supposed to be sad.

It's supposed to guilt them into voting for us, you know.

(hick accent): That's not all.

This Bible's a Bible of my daddy who just di-di-d*ed in my-my arms of-of throat cancer, from-from eating some-some-some bad p*ssy.

Hmm. Hmm.

You just earned you spot at the head of the suit, Dee.

That was really good.

That was good.

Frank, what the hell are you doing, dude?

I'm getting rid of all this contaminated crap!

Now, come on, you're going crazy with this food thing, Frank.

We need to eat.

We need to eat, but we only eat protected food from now on.

Like, oranges and coconuts and snow crab.

No! No snow crabs!

The shells could lacerate your throats.

Absolutely not.

Okay, well, someone's gonna have to go out and get this food, so I'll do it.

No, no, no!

You can go out together.

You can't go out alone.

In case one of you get sneezed on, the other one can report back.

Frank, tell you what.

Mac and I will go out.

And I guarantee we won't get sneezed on.

All right, dude, first things first.

Let's get some beer, man.

You know, screw Dennis and his rules.

The guy's, like, you know, such a d*ck about sh*t.

Yeah, dude, he can be so controlling, you know?

He can do really cool stuff with his d*ck, though.

You gotta ease up on talking about dicks, man.

Like, it's just, it's too much by this point.

You think? Oh, wait a second.

There's no, there's no opening to this.

sh*t, I'm sorry, dude.

I forgot, there's no opening in yours.

But my mom rigged hers with a special pouch so that she could have her cocktails.

See? It fills up.

Your mom rigged her suit so she could drink booze?

Dude, you mom's an alcoholic.

My mom's not an alcoholic!

No, bro! She is, but it's totally cool, because it skips a generation.

That's why you're not an alcoholic.

(woman coughs, Mac gasps)

That's not good right there, man!

There's too many bogeys!

Let's get some fruit, let's get out of here, let's get back to the quarantine.

That's right, man.

Let's get out of here.

Whoa! Stop!

What is this? I love it!

Huh?

What was all this?

Oh, it's just a little dance move I've been working on.

It's stupid.

I was just practicing.

No, man, that's sweet as hell.

Show me that sh*t.

You like it?

Yeah!

It sort of like a Fly Girl power spin.

I've been working on it.

It's a...

You want to see the whole thing?

It's sort of a...

Whoo! (grunts)

Oh, sh*t, you all right?

It's a balance thing.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

You got a breach!

Oh, sh*t!

Come on.

Hey! Close your pit!

Close your pit!

Don't tell Frank.

I won't tell Frank.

Hold your arm.

Don't tell Frank.

Hold your breath. Go! Move!

Charlie, don't tell Frank!

Look at all the hair.

Look at the hair.

It's like a g*dd*mn barber shop.

Be on the lookout, Deandra!

Yeah, copy that.

Looking for hair.

Stop talking about hair, please.

It's very annoying to me.

That's what carries the disease, Dennis-- the hair.

We don't really need it.

Look at us.

We're evolving without it.

We came from the apes, and look at us now.

One day, we'll be completely hairless and totally pure.

Yeah, you should write that down.

What are you doing?

Cleaning, cleaning.

You know, you said scrub the place from top to bottom.

And it was a good thing that I did, too, because I'll tell you what.

Mad dusty up there.

Yeah, good-good... good thinking.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Were you eating pizza and drinking beer up there?

Yes, Frank, I was eating and drinking in a ceiling.

I mean, will you use your head?

No, I'm getting a little stir crazy.

Yeah.

That's-that's...

Yeah, it's driving you nuts.

Driving me nuts.

I get it.

Right.

One more thing.

Hmm?

That's not mine.

(Frank growls)

Hey, Frank, are you kidding me?

g*dd*mn it, it's just one beer!

Oh!

It only takes one germ, Dee.

Oh, Jesus!

Of course, how anybody thinks that a germ could survive a scalding hot pizza is beyond me.

(coughs)

Oh, Dennis, you don't look good.

Trust me, Dee, if I found myself getting sick, I would simply say...

"Sickness be gone!"

(Dennis groans)

(Dee shrieks)

It's all here, you know: oranges, hand sanitizer, basically everything.

No snow crabs, you know.

Hey, where's Dee?

Quarantined.

There was a breach.

No breaches on your end, right?

No.

No, no breaches.

Yeah. Everything's cool.

No, no, breaches.

Yeah, everything was cool.

Yeah, everything was good.

Good. I'm gonna go shave.

Get all this filthy hair off my face.

Oh.

Then when I come back, we'll play some games so nobody goes nuts or nothing.

(humming)

Uh, movie, movie.

Okay, movie.

Two, three, four, five words.

Doesn't matter?

Ocean's Eleven.

Ocean's Twelve! Ocean's Thirteen!

Frank, I can't concentrate when you look like this.

You look ridiculous, man. It was What's Eating Gilbert Grape? That's where all the bacteria lies, Charlie, in your hair. That's why I shaved it off.

Now it just flows off my body. You should do the same, mm-hmm.

(Mac sneezes) He breached! He breached!

His suit ripped in the store! He tried to do, like a power spin, and it ripped. And he probably got sick!

That's not true! Oh, you rat! This is bullshit!

This is bullshit! I feel fine.

(door closes) You should stand over there 'cause I think I'm really getting the flu.

Oh, I'm-I'm sick as a dog already.

Oh, if you guys are getting sick, then stay away from me.

Holy sh*t, dude! I think we need to call 911 for you. Hey, should we work on our harmonies? Seriously, dude? think we need to get you to a hospital.

(singing high-pitched note)

Does that sound like a man who needs to be in a hospital?

Yeah, dude. From the top.

(weakly): ♪ Motown... Motownphilly... ♪

(Dennis retches) (Dennis vomiting)

(Mac retches) (Dee retches)

(all vomiting)

(Charlie chewing)

Charlie?

Charlie, look at that.

Look how clean I am.

Dude, you look like a shriveled raisin.

It's all about purity, Charlie.

Humans are filthy.

Dirty filthy.

All right, man.

You got to mix in with beasts... fowl, rodents.

People do what they do, man.

What am I gonna do about it?

When I get out of here, I'm gonna clean Philadelphia.

Good.

A giant cleanse.

Well, good luck with that.

Not the city... the population.

Okay, well... go for it.

I can't stop shaking.

It's so hot and also so cold.

What's up, what's up?

Talking hot and cold?

Mm-hmm.

Charlie, are you sick, too?

Hmm, sick?

Nah, Frank's all trying to shave me and sh*t.

I'm like, "Dude, no way."

So, I figured I'd hang out with you guys instead, you know?

We're very sick, we have the flu.

If you, if you stay in here, you're gonna get sick.

Good, he deserves it for ratting me out.

Please, Mac, I've been vaccinated for every disease in the book.

I'm gonna be just fine.

(Charlie retching)

Oh, God.

That's a lot of throw up.

This flu is so brutal.

(Dennis coughs)

Hey, guys?

I think I might be coming down with something, too.

Are you kidding me, dude?

Like, I think you're gonna die.

I think I'm gonna die.

I've never felt like this before in my life.

If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna go down drinking.

Anyone want some booze?

I knew you drank cleaning supplies.

Oh, no, dude, this is booze.

I stash whiskey in here.

Dude, you are an alcoholic.

Whatever.

Dee stashes warm beer in the ceiling of the back office.

I keep a flask of créme de menthe behind the jukebox in the bar, it's not a big deal.

Just drink, you know, because this might be our last chance.

Bottoms up.

(Dee groans, gulps)

I'm not getting it.

So you crawl around on the bed, looking for minerals?

Uh, no.

If I'm looking for minerals, I got to be under the bed.

Minerals on top of the bed doesn't make any sense, actually.

None of this makes any sense.

It's insane.

You know, I don't know about you guys, and I don't know why this is happening, but I actually feel a lot better.

Well, you look better.

You guys all look better.

I'm actually feeling better, too.

I feel great.

Yeah.

How is that even possible?

All we've been doing is sitting here and drinking.

How could we have gotten better so quickly?

Oh, my God, you guys.

You guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined ourselves into the bar.

At least since we got stuck in the bathroom.

Oh, that's right.

Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying?

That-that we never had the flu?

We were just having alcohol withdrawal?

Yeah.

Alcohol withdrawals!

That's great!

Is it great? It means we're all alcoholics.

MAC & CHARLIE: Ah...

Yeah, yeah... right.

What do we do with that information?

What do you do with any information?

You just stuff it deep down inside and keep an eye on it.

You keep it.

I'm certainly not gonna stop drinking.

I mean, I physically can't.

No, no, not at this point.

We're in, we're in too deep.

Yeah.

I'm a, I'm a young guy.

Just kids having fun, right?

That's right.

We got an audition to make.

So let's bust this door down, Mac.

What do you say, you want to roundhouse the door for us?

I was gonna suggest that.

Yeah, I know you were, buddy.

That's why I said it.

Just do it and get it over with.

Okay.

Hold on, hold on, though.

If we don't want to break the door, I have a key.

You've got a key?!

We've been in here this whole time, and you could've let us out?!

I didn't know that we were trapped in here.

I thought we were just playing quarantine.

What the...?!

No, we're not playing quarantine.

We're quarantined.

Let's go.

Just open the door.

Yo, Frank! We're not sick.

Yeah, we're fine, dude. We...

Whoa. What the hell is this?

Oh, sh*t, I think it's hand sanitizer.

Hmm?

Hand sanitizer?

Where is it going?

Frank?

Uh, why is there hand sanitizer all over the floor?

It goes in here and...

Oh!

Frank?

Oh, my God!

What the hell did you do to yourself?

I just want to be pure.

God, what are we gonna do about this?

Probably get him to the hospital, right?

Yeah. Ooh, let's make a quick stop first.

♪ Motownphilly's back again ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Doing a little East Coast swing Boyz II Men going off ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Not too hard, not too soft ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD Mm-hmm. ♪

So, what do you think?

In your professional opinion, you think we got a sh*t?

I mean, we're talking about Boyz II Men here.

We want to go and we want to win.

Yeah.

Boyz II Men?

That concert is canceled.

What? Why?

Yeah, yeah, they all got the flu.

Oh, son of a bitch!

So we did this for nothing?

Well, I mean, no, not nothing.

I mean, guys, look, we came together in harmony.

You know, if I'm being honest, I'd rather go back to the bar and get drunk, than go to some, you know, concert.

Yes!

You know what, guys?

We can sing at the bar like we always do.

That's right.

Yeah, but drink.

Oh, yeah.

'Cause I want to drink.

And we got to stay healthy.

That's right.

We have to stay healthy.

We'll always drink.

Well, then from the top, shall we?

Okay.

♪ Motownphilly's back again ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Doing a little East Coast swing. ♪

Okay, we've got to get that sanitizer off you, huh?

You ready for your sponge bath?

sh*t.