10x01 - The g*ng Beats Boggs

[bunniefuu]

("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays)

(beer can pops open)

Dee: Oh, yeah.

These are going down real smooth now.

Mac: Dee, slow down. You're on pace to drink 130 beers.

Frank: Don't ruin this for me, Deandra. This could be the last chance I got to do something great in my life.

You jerks are just all mad 'cause I'm gonna be the one to shatter Boss Hogg's drinking record.

Dennis: Dee, Boss Hogg was a big, fat redneck from The Dukes of Hazzard. Wade Boggs is a Hall of Fame third baseman.

Charlie: Yeah, it's Wade Boggs's drinking record, okay? The man's a legend.

He drank 50 beers on a cross-country flight and then absolutely destroyed the Seattle Mariners the next day, okay?

That's why we're doing this, to honor his memory, okay?

May he rest in peace.

First off, Wade Boggs is very much alive. Secondly, the number of beers is actually highly disputed. Some say 50, some teammates said 60, some said as many as 70 beers.

Which, to be honest, is an absolutely insane amount of beer. Nobody can drink that much.

Frank: Not with an attitude like that.

Perhaps we're taking this a little bit too seriously?

Absolutely we're not, okay? The man is a legend.

That's why we're doing this, all right?

To honor his memory. Rest in peace, Wade.

Again, he is still alive.

Always sticking me with the nerds.

(call button chimes)

Yes, ma'am?

Uh, actually, I can, uh, handle this one.

We'll be sharing the in-flight call system today.

Excuse me?

Oh, sorry, let me explain.

We're doing a Wade Boggs-type thing, and that makes me sort of the Commissioner Bud Selig of the group.

Oh, you're the commissioner now?

Well, somebody's gotta keep the game fair and everybody invested, okay, Dee?

He didn't win the chugging contest.

Two more beers, please.

Actually, ma'am, we're about to take off, so we're gonna need you to stow your tray table.

Yay.

Let me take that and throw it out for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but just give me a second.

Okay? Just give me a second? There you go.

Great.

(Dee belches)

Hold on. Hold on.

Ugh! Ouch!

It's... really cold. Man, Dee...

(Dee belches)

Oh, God.

You really have to slow down a little bit.

("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays)

Can I get you something to drink?

Yeah, I'll just get a beer, please.

(whispering): Hey, Frank. I'm a little concerned about this frat boy over here. There's only so many beers on the flight.

Frank: I'll take care of him.

For you, sir?

Excuse me, miss?

Mm-hmm.

Um, actually, yeah... how many beers are we allowed to order at once?

I'm not sure. No one has ever asked that before.

Okay, great, so there's no rule on that. Uh, why don't you give me six, then, please? How about you make it an even dozen?

How about I start you with two apiece and then we just take it from there?

Sure, if you want to be lugging beers back and forth the entire flight. I guess that's, uh, up to you.

I'll be taking care of everybody on the Boggs account.

Oh, and by the way, do you sell condoms?

No, I'm afraid we don't.

Aw...

Yeah. I'll have to figure something else out.

Got it.

Thank you so much.

Hey... Frank.

Mmm?

What's with the condom thing?

You think the Boggs record is the only one I'm going for?

I'm gonna become the first-ever member of the Air Sex Society.

Okay. What is that?

That means I'm gonna be plowing somebody in the bathroom before this plane lands.

Right, but do you think you just made that up? Because that's already a thing.

It's called the Mile High Club. People have been doing it since planes have been around.

That name sucks.

I'll tell you what, though. I will make you a bet that I plow somebody on this fight, somewhere other than the bathroom, before we hit the Great Lakes.

I'll take that bet.

Yeah?

Whoa, whoa. Did I hear you guys talking about a bet? There's no betting, okay?

That compromises the integrity of the game.

It's got nothing to do with the Wade Boggs thing.

It doesn't matter, okay, guys?

That's a rule, and as commissioner, you have to obey me.

Right, Commissioner.

Go get me another beer.

Okay, I will, but... not because you told me to, but because I'm commissioner and that's my job.

You're on.
♪ ♪

(Dee snoring)

Pathetic.

29... beers.

(call button chimes)

How can I help you? Hmm? Oh.

Hey-oh! This is my guy.

Yeah. Hey, I got a couple more for you, bud, so just grab 'em.

Oh, great.

Actually, while you're here, could I have a rum and Coke, please?

Uh, oh, uh... hold on one second. It's a beer-drinking contest, Charlie.

No, that's cool, I'm still doing the Boggs thing, but you know what?

A stiff cocktail would go good with my chicken, so...

Why are you filling up with chicken?

Do you know anything about Wade Boggs?

The man ate a chicken before every game, all right?

That's why they called him the Chicken Man.

Man batted .328 lifetime. I'm sure he ate some rum and Cokes, too, all right? (chuckles)

You just said "ate rum and Cokes."

You're getting a little buzzed. You shouldn't be drinking hard alcohol.

No, I said one rum and Coke.

Just one, please. Make it a double, though.

Hey-oh!

♪ Mama needs another pop, pop Hey, pop, soda pop, soda pop, soda pop, soda pop, nah... ♪

What are you doing? Why are you dancing around like a jackass? Wade Boggs would roll in his grave if he could see your behavior.

Wade Boggs is alive.

Huh?

He lives in Tampa, Florida. He's in his early 50s.

And you... where did you come from?

You were just passed out two minutes ago.

I know it, I was, and then I popped a couple of these babies.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell are those, Dee?

Greenies. Uppers.

Vtt! Feel like I got a rocket up my ass.

These guys find out that you're taking performance-enhancing dr*gs, the integrity of the game is completely compromised, all right?

sh*t.

As the Bud Selig of the group, it's my job to quietly sweep this under the rug before anybody finds out.

You know, Commissioner, you just... you kind of just lost the chugging contest...

Go.

("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays)

Hey!

You know, I actually went to school at the same college, your alma mater, in 1966.

Yeah?

Yeah, here, have a beer, huh?

It's like...

Oh, that's nice of you.

Yeah, yeah, good, yeah.

Drink up.

Frank? Did you just buy frat boy a beer?

Don't worry about it. I laced it with sleeping pills. He's gonna be out like a light in two minutes.

That is some diabolical sh*t, dude.

Ow...!

(Dennis laughs)

So what's going on with the sex moves?

I've been laying chum up and down this plane.

Yeah, I-I know. I've noticed.

Yeah, I've got my prey picked out. I'm just waiting for the right moment to pounce.

What are you talking about?

You haven't moved an inch. You're just drinking.

Oh, is that what you think?

Mm-hmm.

Frank, of the 206 passengers on this flight, 98 of them are women, but only one of them is a suitable candidate: 44G.

Notice how she glances forlornly at the empty seat next to her.

It was meant for someone special.

And the tan line on her ring finger suggests the wound is still fresh, leaving her vulnerable.

Furthermore, when we hit turbulence earlier, she giggled, telling me she's a bit of a thrill seeker.

You think she offed the guy and went on the run?

Pretty tough to lay low in a dress like that.

Granted, it's not a particularly remarkable garment.

It's from the J.Crew Spring 2012 collection.

Although, it is a bit much for an airplane.

Furthermore, if she were standing, you'd notice she's got no panty line, giving me about five extra seconds to enter her swiftly before she realizes I am not the answer to her problems.

(laughs) I'll tell you my tastes lie a little bit more in 39F.

No.

No, thank you, Frank. No, her blouse is covered in cigarette burns. And I imagine underneath that blouse, you'll find copious amounts of road rash, probably sustained in some sort of off-roading accident, which would also explain her limp. Although, something tells me the two are unrelated. Either way, she's North Dakota trash through and through and far beneath a gentleman such as myself.

Uh, miss?

Six more beers.

(groans)

Hey-oh!

Ah, there we go. Yeah.

Hey, listen, Charlie?

Yeah. I need you to start a McGwire/Sosa-like rivalry with Dee.

Look, I think you're getting, like, too worked up about this thing. Can we just drink the beer and hang out, you know?

Well, here-here's the thing. The game seems to be getting a little bit off the rails.

Frank and Dennis are super distracted and Dee is kind of just running away with it. Boggsy didn't drink six gallons of beer because he was obsessed with, like, breaking some record. You know what I mean?

He did it 'cause he was just, like, thirsty, you know?

And looking to pass the time.

Yeah, but I can sell a rivalry, all right? What I can't sell is... 27 beers. What-what am I gonna do with 27 beers?

Who-who cares about 27 beers?

We're not selling anything.

Like, I think you're taking the commissioner thing way...

Look, you lost the chugging contest, man. It's not a big deal.

Why did you make me Bud Selig if you didn't...?

Nobody did. You just started saying that.

Look, I got empties for you. Just take those and don't, like, put so much pressure on yourself over...

Attention, passengers. This is your captain, Boss Hogg, speaking.

And this cold slice of heaven is my 40th beer of the afternoon. So any of you dicknips think you can slug it down faster than me, you're welcome to get your fat asses up here to try. Uh-uh!

Yeah, no.

Uh-uh!

Put your...

Uh-uh!

Oh, I'm gonna need that.

Ah, you... whatever.
Okay.

The Boggs group is cut off.

(Mac groans)

What? Aw, dude. That's not good.

I can't stop drinking now. Damn it!

I'll probably die, dude. I'm running low, too. sh*t.

Okay, luckily I came prepared.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Charlie, we're not on a wide-body DC-10 for nothing.

Right. We bought tickets.

Well, yes, but we chose a wide-body DC-10 on purpose.

That's what I was...

To get up in the sky.

Let me walk you through it. I got a hundred extra beers in a checked bag, okay? Now, according to movies like Executive Decision and Passenger 57, there is a secret hatch on every plane that allows me to travel freely throughout the aircraft.

Well, everybody knows that.

Yeah, so I just got to find my right time to get down there.

I think you can probably go, like, anytime, yeah.

Or just do it... just right now, right?

This stewardess is, like, not on the ball.

Okay, yeah.

("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays)

Oh!

Hey-oh!

Geez. Why isn't the door locked, Frank?

I'm posting up.

Half the battle is getting them to follow you to the bathroom.

This way, I'm sitting here.

It's like lambs to the slaughter.

Aah! What's happening to me?!

(passengers gasp)

Some-something is wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen, if there's a doctor on board, please press your call button.

Dude, how many sleeping pills did you give that kid?

I don't know-- seven? 12? (stammers) 12?!

Yeah! What? You told me to take care of him.

I didn't tell you to k*ll him.

Well, you better go do something; otherwise they're gonna have to make an emergency landing and this whole thing's gonna be screwed!

Ah, sh*t! (grunts)

Uh, what seems to be the problem here?

Are you a doctor?

Mantis Toboggan, MD.

You want this young man to live, you're gonna have to give me some aspirin, a roll of duct tape, a bag of peanuts and four beers.

♪ ♪

Jackpot.

(hatch opens)

(indistinct chatter)

Speed it up a little bit, honey?

Ooh. Wow!

(laughing): Yeah!

Oh, you really know your way around.

Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.

You're weird.

You have no idea.

Oh...

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Nothing with my lips, all right?

Okay. I won't do that with you.

Mind if I take a pill?

Yeah, sure, take a pill.

Okay. (sniffs)

All right, well, that's happening.

(grunting) Now, just do that.

That's a boy!

Is it really necessary to restrain him like this?

You can never be too careful with altitude sickness. One time, this broad chewed through the fuselage of a 747! Luckily, I'm a pilot, too.

I inverted the bird and landed her safely in an open field.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm gonna need to see some identification.

You don't think I'm a pilot?

I don't think you're a doctor.

That is a serious accusation!

You've had 14 beers.

You don't know that.

It's written on your shirt.

(grunts) How would you like to go to the bathroom with me?

I got to go.

You and me?

Well, Frank, I have singlehandedly pushed the limits of high-altitude eroticism.

You banged her?

Yeah.

What happened to the classy broad?

Oh, happily married. Yeah. Turns out she takes her ring off when she flies because her fingers swell. Yeah.

But it-it's all good, Frank. You know, hey, turns out Boggs, he didn't hit it out of the park every single time at bat.

Mm-hmm. He just tried to get the ball in play and hope that he could squeak it through the hole.

And I just, uh, squeaked it through multiple holes if you know what I'm saying.

Don't you!

Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts as we begin our initial decent into North Dakota.

Oh, sh*t. Well, you know, you heard the captain.

On your bike.

I wish I could just sit with you.

Yeah. Hmm.

But, you know, there's already a guy in the seat, so...

Oh. Excuse me, Mr. Person, would you mind switching seats so I could sit with my boyfriend?

Thank you. (laughs)

(taps on seat)

("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays)

Hello, Charlie.

Oh, sh*t!

You're the ghost of Wade Boggs!

I'm not a ghost, Charlie. You're just hallucinating. You've had over 30 beers, dude!

Uh, you did? Nice, man. You know, you're friend Mac is right.

Oh, yeah?

I didn't win five batting titles because it was fun.

Right. I won it because I wanted to be the best. You see what I'm saying?

Nah, not really, man. There's nothing more fun than winning. So, come on, drink up.

All right. I'll have one with you. Yeah.

Nice! All right! Let's do it, Boggs! Let's drink!

All right. Cheers!

Howdy, Dee.

Well, what do you say, Boss?

Now, I know you're not quitting on me. I need you to keep drinking those beers, so you can help me stop them Duke boys from spoiling all my crooked Hazzard County schemes!

You got it, Boss Hoss.

All right!

Well, here we are-- beautiful North Dakota. Hope you brought a coat 'cause it looks cold as sh*t out there.

I don't live in North Dakota.

You're going to L.A.?

About 200 miles inland-- the Salton Sea. My family has a tilapia farm there.

g*dd*mn.

Good. Good for them.

Will you excuse me for a minute?

Sure.

(indistinct announcement)

Dennis, Dennis?

Huh?

Where you going?

Oh, uh, I mistook that girl for Great Plains trash. She's actually desert trash.

I should've picked up on the multiple gecko tattoos, so this, this is kind of on me. Either way, I'd rather stay in this barren wasteland of a state than spend one more minute with that filth.

I'll see you back in Philly.

Wait, wait, Dennis. Don't go.

Now you can go.

Come on! Drink! Drink! You guys can do it!

You guys are gonna make it!

I can't believe what we are witnessing here. We are making history here, people! We're making history!

Beer me, baby.

You're 40 beers back, bitch!

Just sit back and enjoy the show.

Well, I'm tired of people telling me what I can't do.

They say I can't drink on a plane.

They say I can't bang on a plane.

They'll say I can't be a pilot. I can't be a doctor.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it right in front of your face. I'm gonna chug 15 beers right now.

Oh, that's so cold.

Beer's cold.

(grunts)

There's a...

All right.

Instant rebuff.

Just leave me here.

(electronic bell chimes)

Okay, guys, here we go. Almost there! Almost there!

Wake up! Perk up! Perk up!

Guys, we're at 70 beers.

That means one more to break the record.

Come on. Come on, you can do it!

Let's go! Chug it! Chug it! Come on, come on, you can do it.

You can do it! I believe in you!

Yeah! Yeah, Dee, go!

I did it! 71 beers! Holy sh*t!

I'm the king. I'm the king, Boss Hogg.

But you're not done yet.

(both groan)

Yeah, no. Uh, Boggs didn't just drink enough beer to k*ll a horse. He also suited up the next day and went three for five, so you're gonna have to do that.

I can do it, but just give me the bat. I can't get it...

Yeah, totally.

All right, uh... where's Dee?

She took a ride on the carousel.

What?

Okay, here we go, Charlie.

You got to go at least three for ten, all right?

You ready?

I got all numbers.

Okay, I'm gonna put a little mustard on this one, all right?

Give me the hot dog, baby!

All right.

Holy sh*t, dude!

You roped that!

That's the Wade Boggs style!

Wow!

All right, give me another one.

You know, that's the only ball I have, and I didn't expect you to hit it that far.

I really don't feel like going to get it.

So, I'm the commissioner.

I say you did it!

Game on!

Yeah!

Hey, one for one-- that's batting a thousand, dude.

That's baseball, baby!

Yeah!

(whoops)

Nice work!

Yeah!

Hey, man?

Yeah?

(slurring): California U.S.A.

It's kind of gloomy, huh?

Yeah.

What do now?

Well, if we hurry up, we can get back to the airport and get a red-eye back to Philly.

They got chicken Philly?

They got chicken, yeah!

Hey, let's go grab a beer, huh?