11x04 - Dee Made a Smut Film

[bunniefuu]

Dee: Hey, guys. Here we go. I'm ordering it.

Mac: Drop the bluff, Dee. No one believes you're in an actual movie.

You guys are gonna feel hella stupid when you see me acting in a feature film. "Hella." Are we saying "hella" now?

'Cause I like it. No, we're not saying "hella," okay?

No. Nobody's saying "hella" anymore.

I never really got to say it. "Hella" came and went. Me, neither.

Dee, can we watch something else?

Can we watch, like, a superhero movie or something?

This is such a waste of our...

Oh, that's a nice opening sh*t. Symmetrical vista.

It's beautiful.

Mac: Directed by Pedro Vyes. Who's he?

He's, like, this foreign art house director.

Oh. Ooh... Foreign director. Very impressive.

Okay, you guys, be quiet. This is my scene.

Pretty early for a whiskey.

Or pretty late.

Why don't you make it a double.

Oh, yeah? A little hair of the dog that bit you?

(chuckles)

Mac: Yeah, Dee,

I got to hand it to you. Y-You've been talking about doing this for years, and... Is that Richard Grieco?

Hi.

Aw, Grieco. I love that guy. Where's he been?

Richard Grieco is in an art house movie?

That seems odd. That's a little strange.

Yeah, it's a little stra...

But, you know, they-they always got to get some kind of a name in order to finance the mo...

Oh, now he's being blown.

Dee: Right.

(g*ng exclaiming, laughing)

Okay. Now-now this makes sense.

So, Dee, you clearly made a p*rn. This is a p*rn!

What? No? It's not a p*rn. You guys, the-the foreigners, they have a much more evolved view of sex.

This is... this is art.

(woman grunting)

(moans)

Dee, what channel did you order this from?

Cinemax.

All: Cinemax?!

Dee, Cinemax doesn't make art.

You guys, Pedro is-is an edgy, foreign director.

Where's he from?

Puerto Rico.

Oh!

Puerto Rico? Puerto Rico?

Puerto Rico!

Mac: Oh, man.

Dee, you made a Skinemax flick with a Puerto Rican pervert.

Congratulations. Good thing you got us all together.

Listen, hey, I did not make a smut film.

Grieco: Gobble that cock.

(laughter)

Mac: Now, why is Grieco resorting to Skinemax?

He's got a great career. He's doing fine.

Actually, it makes sense. I mean, erotic films are very, very in right now.

I mean, Grieco probably didn't realize he was doing a p*rn.

I think he thought he was doing the next Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever.

I mean, it's a... it's a fine line these days between art and smut.

It really is. Art's a tricky thing.

The whole art world is bullshit nowadays.

I mean, like, anything can be considered art. I'll bet you Charlie's doodlings could be considered art by some people.

Well, that's 'cause my drawings are art.

You're not an artist, dude. You're drawing with chalk.

No, I'm drawing with marker and, like, pen and stuff.

I'm just eating the chalk.

Charlie, don't eat chalk.

Well, it settles my stomach.

My stomach's a little...

If your stomach hurts, eat a Tums.

What's the difference?

One is chalk!

Well, I don't like wasting Tums.

Tums is very good to draw with.

This maniac is an artist?

I'll bet you if I hung one of Charlie's doodles in a modern art gallery, people would not know the difference.

Mm. No. No, I disagree.

No, art has to come from a more meaningful place.

It can't just be silly nonsense.

I mean, take my erotic memoirs, for example. (chuckles)

Now, that was art.

That was smut.

No, dude, what I do is art. And you know what else?

I think I should film it.

Yeah.

I mean, guys, I'd be a fool not to ride this erotic tidal wave our culture seems to be on, film it, do the next Fifty Shades of Grey, my style, you know?

My film would be real, it would be tasteful, it would be... it would be subtle.

It wouldn't be some g*dd*mn Puerto Rican smut.

I'm down to try this, like, art gallery idea of yours.

What do you think Grieco would do?

He wouldn't eat chalk.

Yes, but I just don't understand why you're choosing to dress like Richard Grieco.

Well, because he's a cool bro and I'm a cool bro.

I just want to do a Grieco thing. I'm vibing with it.

I'm vibing with it, man. Stop saying that you're vibing and "bro."

You know what, why don't you go mingle, and Frank and I will handle this. Thank you.

All right, you do it.

All right, Frank. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Leave him alone.

Look, here's a spot. Here's a spot.

What?

Yeah.

Just keep... keep an eye out.

Okay.

That's good. That's good.

Mmm.

(quietly:) Oh, yeah. Looks perfect.

Oh, wow. I like this one.

Oh.

That's art. That's art. I like that piece.

Yes, that's...

Mac (whispering): She's going for it.

She loves it.

She loves it.

She's going for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? Whoa. Hey, lady. Lady.

You can't throw art in the trash.

Oh, that wasn't art.

It was garbage.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

Wait a second.

I mean, how-how is that art and this is trash?

I mean, who's to say, really?

Well, I'm to say.

It's my gallery. (chuckles)

Okay. Then please explain to me how that is art and this is garbage.

Well, it's all about context.

The story behind each piece is part of what endows it with meaning.

For example, this artist worked for 30 years before finally finding his voice.

He left his home when he was a boy to escape the Nazis, fled to Paris, and painted the poor children he saw in the streets.

♪ ♪

(man shouting in German) The ambiguity he uses to paint children and animals.

(dog barking, monkey screeching)

His work provokes.

It raises questions.

Are we children?

(children chattering)

Are we animals?

(all sounds overlapping)

Are children animals?

♪ ♪

(overlapping sounds rewinding)

Mac: If it's context you want... Context. Okay.

Well, the artist that did this, his life is, like, total sh*t.

I mean, like, way worse than this n*zi painter.

Oh. Hey, Charlie?

Yeah, uh... What-what are you doing, man?

What's up, bro?

Hey, uh, this is Charlie. He's the, uh... he's the artist.

C-Could you tell the lady how your... Don't do that.

Okay, can you just explain to her how your life is garbage so that she... It's not sw...

Oh, my life's pretty sweet, bro.

Hang out at a bar all day with my bros.

You know? Go on lots of adventures. I'm really kind of a sweet businessman when I think about it.

He's an illiterate janitor whose mother tried to abort him in...

Frank, Frank, tell her, please.

Huh?

What is it?

What-what is it?

It's-it's what we discussed. It's what we've been discussing. Oh.

Tell her that Charlie's life is a piece of sh*t. Please.

Thank you. I've got one of those hella sweet lives...

Stop saying "hella"!

He doesn't... he doesn't normally say "hella."

I don't know where he picked this up.

I'm sorry. I'm just not interested.

Okay, well, wait, wait, we just need to take one... I'm not interested, either.

I go for more of the Pam Anderson type, you know what I mean?

Oh, my God. Okay, look...

I'm not interested. g*dd*mn it.

Why did I even bring you two?

"A man enters. The room wouldn't be the only thing he'd enter that day.

His name was Dennis."

I'm-I'm sorry-- what is happening?

"Silence."

Okay.

"He said. 'A woman's mouth is not for the exiting of words but for the entrance of a man's... d*ck.' And then he did put it in there. In her mouth, I mean."

Okay.

And then they-they have sex all over the library.

Okay, I, uh, I-I'm sorry, I don't know what's happening here.

You must think I'm somebody else.

Look, look. Sure, I could leave here right now, I could take this to Frank and he would finance it.

But he's gross, you know?

He's basically, like, the Cinemax of humans.

Okay, I think I'm catching up here. So you want to make a film based on the p*rn book you're reading from.

Look... this is my Fifty Shades of Grey, lady.

All right? Was the guy who wrote that gross?

It was written by a woman.

Na... You... no, I know.

That it was written by a woman.

Everybody knows that.

Yeah, but that's why you needed to let me get to the...

This was also written by a woman. Yeah.

Writ-Written and to be directed by... my sister.

What do you think?

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Dee.

(door closes)

Dee, you're not doing anything that matters, right?

You know, I think I'm finally figuring out this editing software, and I have to say I put together a pretty prime-time acting reel here.

I doubt it.

Don't show it to me. I don't...

♪ ♪

Pretty early for a whiskey.

A little hair of the dog that bit you?

Using a multi-tiered distribu...

Multi-level marketi...

The Invigaron system.

♪ ♪

Brains.

♪ ♪

It i... it's missing something, isn't it?

Nah, it's great.

Uh, Dee, you know what I think the real problem, though, with the acting business is?

Uh-huh?

Every actor these days is a multi-hyphenate.

They're doing everything-- they're writing, they're directing, you know.

Mm.

So here's a thought I just had.

How would you like to, um, direct my erotic memoirs?

I've always wanted to direct.

And you want me to do it?

Yeah, yeah.

Smart.

Smart. You bring a female perspective in.

Mm-hmm. It's a very interesting layer.

I like that.

Yeah, it's-it's a good layer.

That's really smart of you.

Yeah, I'll do that.

I'll do that for you.

Okay, so, um... great.

So you'll do that, and, um...

Yeah, yeah. now we just need a star that we can attach on-on short notice.

Don't worry, I got... I got an idea. I got a lot of ideas.

All right, what about this one? You know, I had a dream about, um, you know, boiled eggs.

So, I, uh... Okay. What do the...what do the eggs represent?

Eggs, you know? Like, uh... from a chicken.

Just eggs? No.

Charlie, you're not getting it.

I need you to draw something that's profound, you know?

That comes from someplace deep.

But is also childlike and stupid, to prove my point.

Hey, bro, uh, maybe stop telling me what to do all the time, you know? 'Cause if you tell me what to do, then, like, you know, that's, like, I got, like, a lame, kind of square dude telling me what to do, you know? And that's not really where art comes from.

Okay, you...

And so I'm gonna draw eggs that represent eggs, bro.

And it's gonna... it's gonna be hella cool, man.

You're gonna like these eggs.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you... do you want to sell this art or not?

Bro, is this about making money for you or is it about proving your point?

Like, I don't even know what it is, man.

It's becoming about both for me. I don't know what it's becoming for you.

Come on, man.

I'm ripping this up.

I'm ripping this up.

That's it.

Bro, stop ripping up my art, man!

Get in there!

Hey.

You stink!

Ugh.

I found him turning tricks in the scrap metal yard.

Good news, Charlie. We're gonna use Cricket now.

Oh. Use me how?

Use what part of me?

Relax. You are gonna be the face of Charlie's art.

What? Why, man?

Because he's got, like, the worst life imaginable, and that's clearly what those people want.

That's true, I do have the worst life. (chuckles)

You know what, Cricks, why don't you come over here, why don't you tell Charlie what to draw.

Okay. Tell me wh... I don't want to draw his drawings.

No, Charlie, this is gonna work, all right?

Just jump on board, jump on board. Okay, go ahead.

All right, bro... bro.

Oh, all right, fine.

Talk to me, brother.

What's up?

What is he doing?

He's doing, like, a Grieco thing.

Okay. Uh, all right.

Well, what do you want to hear about?

You want to hear about a... dog orgy or when a cat bit off my toe?

Dog orgy, brother.

Cricket: Dog orgy. Okay.

This is going great.

Okay, now, Frank, I need you to go talk to that gallery owner. Convince her to come to Paddy's for an art opening that we're gonna have here.

Oh. You know? Flash a little cash.

Pretend you're, like, a high-society art type.

Oh, I got this. I-I used to hang with an art crowd in the '70s.

I know these people.

O-Okay. All right. But-but... play it subtle, all right?

Subtle. Yeah.

Frank. Play it subtle.

I got it.

(whispers): Subtle.

Hello!

Hello?

Ango Gablogian, the art collector.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Yes.

I'm gonna invite you to a show.

Okay.

But first... allow me to destroy your gallery.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

Derivative.

That... I love.

I absolutely love.

Um, that's just the air conditioner.

I want it.

It's everything.

I mean, look at us.

We're just air conditioners.

I mean, after all, we're just walking around on the planet, breathing, conditioning the air.

I condition it hot, that conditions it cold.

I mean, it's symbiotic, no?

No, it is. I mean, we're just the air conditioners walking around on this planet, screwing each other's brains out.

So true. I never thought of it like that.

♪ ♪

Oh... hello, you.

(g*nf*re, explosions)

This room won't be the only thing that I'll be entering today.

Hey, teach.

Dee: Cut!

A woman's mouth is not for exiting of words, but for the entrance of a man's penis.

Dee: Cut!

Dennis: Grieco, Grieco, Grieco, come on, man.

sh**t her tits. I need some...

I need a couple... Just...

Get mostly tits on this one. Lots of emotion.

And I want to feel a little bit of, uh, of sadness coming from your tits. And, action.

A woman's mouth...

Dee: Cut!

"Not for the exiting of words, it's for the entrance..."

Dee, can you just let him...

Grieco: Is there really... is there really a frigging difference between "exiting" and "entering"? Hey! Excuse me, every...

You know what?

Is there a difference between "exiting" and "entering"?

Grieco: I know there is, but is there... but words exit.

Okay, okay, you know what?

I-I need a seaweed break.

Grieco, you've had 15 packages of seaweed today.

Guys, Richard needs a seaweed five.

Another...?

Oh, g*dd*mn it!

Can we just get the scene, please?

Just like it was in high school?

You know, about that.

What exactly happened in high school?

'Cause it sounds like you had sex with a teacher.

Uh, well no, she wasn't a teacher, she was a hot young librarian.

Are you talking about Miss Clinsky?

Yeah.

She was like 50.

Yeah, she looked good for her age.

She looked like Rick Moranis.

Moranis was always in pretty good shape, yeah.

Plus, when she took her hair out of the bun, she went from Moranis to Alanis.

Gross. You were 14.

So, technically, you were r*ped.

It wasn't r*pe. Can't r*pe a guy.

Huh?

You can't r*pe...

I was... I was willing.

You know, you can't r*pe... I mean, it's cool.

Like, I bedded an older woman. That's cool.

Right, Grieco?

You know what?

Let me use your pain in the scene.

What are you talking about?

You can't use somebody else's pain, Grieco.

Do you know how acting works?

Look... (exhales)

Touch my finger... and transfer your pain into me.

Dee: Mm-hmm, it's a good idea.

Touch... touch my finger. I'm not touching your finger, man.

I'm not touching your finger!

Dennis.

Seriously, touch my finger. What the hell is...? You know what?

Why don't you just sh**t me doing the g*dd*mn scene?

I'll seduce the librarian.

You know what? That seaweed's making me a little sick.

Uh, can I get a chalk break, or something like that? Uh-oh.

♪ ♪

I call this one "Dog Three-Way."

'Cause I was recently in a dog three-way.

Actually, four with me, so, four-way.

I was in a dog orgy.

God, he's making a mockery of my art, bro.

Oh.

Dennis: Well, the sh**t was a total disaster.

Dee's incompetent and a bitch, which we all knew.

But, I mean, Richard Grieco.

The man is obsessed with seaweed. It's...

Pump your brakes.

You met Grieco?

Yeah, I met Grieco.

Yeah, he-he was in my movie, but, uh, it didn't go very well.

What-what are you doing?

Are you doing a Grieco thing?

Yeah, I'm doing a Grieco thing, 'cause-'cause Grieco's the man.

You know, is he the man?

No, not really.

Ah, he used to be big.

No. Yeah, no.

Hello, boys.

Is that how you play it?

That is way over the top.

What are you talking about? This is it. This is the way they are.

Frank, did you buy an air conditioner?

Yes, and I bought a painting for 35 K.

Why? Because I liked it, and that's what it cost.

Is nobody understanding what we're trying to do? (door opens, closes)

I am trying to prove that this is all bullshit, and you guys are all buying into it.

Oh. Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Here's the darling.

Oh.

That sold me... not a painting.

Mm.

A revelation.

Oh. Hi, Ango.

Oh, oh.

Woman: Mm. (laughing) Oh.

Oh, great.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Ango.

Yes. Thank you very much.

And thank you for coming.

Oh. Oh, my pleasure.

Yes, we have... we have many paintings by our featured artist, Rickety Cricket. Ah...

Okay, well, Ango clearly has a great eye.

I do have a great eye.

So I'm excited to see what you have.

Yes, yes. Well, here we have a Cricket.

Oh.

Yes, yes, and, uh, here we have another Cricket.

Uh-huh.

And, uh...

Oh, here we have the artist himself.

This is Rickety Cricket.

Hey-o.

Wow. Yeah, he literally has the worst life imaginable.

(laughing): He ain't lying.

So now you got some perspective and some context.

Uh-huh.

And like a story or whatever it is that you people need, so...

Uh-huh.

We don't have to talk numbers right now, but I feel like it should be...

Dee: Hey, guys.

I figured this art opening would be the perfect place to premiere my directorial debut.

No, Dee, absolutely not.

That's a hard "no."

Charlie: Yeah.

(piano plays gentle melody)

(orchestra joins in)

Dennis: Oh, come on. There were...

No, Dee.

This is ridiculous.

♪ ♪

Hey, hoser, remember when I r*ped you in the library?

Hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser...

Okay, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. That was, uh...

That's not part of the, uh, whole thing.

It's very disturbing.

It's very avant-garde.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

What do you think it's all worth?

Good question.

Ango, what do you think?

Millions.

I'd trade my limbs for it.

Well, the market is dictated by what people will pay, so...

Well, right, but how much are you willing to pay for it?

Me?

Yeah.

(laughs) Oh, no, no.

I'm really not interested in buying anything.

But you own an art gallery.

Oh, no. Oh.

I rent an art gallery, or more accurately, my parents rent one for me.

What?!

So that painting I bought from you was worthless?

Of course not.

It meant something to you.

It's worth exactly what you paid.

I want to sell it back. Okay.

In that exchange, it would only be worth what I would pay for it, which is, again, um, nothing.

I-I don't get it.

When is stuff art?

Uh, hey, guys, guys, um, if I may, I think I can sum this all up.

You see, art is an ambiguous thing, yeah?

Yeah, just because you make some art, it doesn't mean that you're an artist.

But, also, it does mean you're an artist.

But does it mean that that art is good art?

Is art good just because the right people say it's good?

Yes. Yes.

That's-that's how it works.

Yeah, but keep in mind, you know, a lot of modern art is... is trash.

I mean, it's shitty.

It's not...

You know, it's not good.

It's terrible.

You know? And yet, it's a fine line between van Gogh and Van Damme, you know, between Depp and Grieco, between Banksy and Charlie, that makes it very difficult to determine what's good art.

You know, what's high art?

What has worth?

What has meaning?

Yeah?

But if one thing has become abundantly clear to me today-- and it should be to all of you, as well-- is that I wasn't r*ped.

Hmm?

We had a good time, she and I.

Yeah? It was a... it was a two-way road.

The whole thing was... mutual.

And the woman in no way looked like Rick Moranis.

You know?

She totally did. I remember her.

Remember her? Yeah.

Um...Oh, no.

I wouldn't even sleep with her.