04x12 - Criss Angel is a Douchebag

[bunniefuu]

4.12 Criss Angel Is a Douchebag

Air Date: 22 Jan 2009

THEN

Demon: Tell me about those months without your brother.

About all the things you and this demon bitch do in the dark.

Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human?

Dean: Why do you trust her so much?

Sam: She saved my life.

ALASTAIR

You don't have the juice to take me on, Sam.

ALASTAIR flings Sam down the stairs.

Ruby: Your abilities-you're getting flabby.

Sam: Yeah, so how do I tone up?

Ruby: You know what you got to do.

Sam: No, I'm not doing that anymore.

Ruby: Sam...

Sam: I said no.

NOW

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

A MAGICIAN demonstrates turning a heart-shaped balloon into a dove, to applause from the crowd. A sign on a nearby streetlight reads IOWA Celebrates MAGIC WEEK WELCOME the International Association of Magicians SIOUX CITY.

BAR

INT. BAR - NIGHT

A MAGICIAN practices a card-handling move. Another MAGICIAN, an Old Man, JAY, demonstrates a one-handed cut to the Bartender.

JAY

Charlier cut.

Bartender: Wow. You're really good.

Another MAGICIAN, a YOUNGER Man, VANCE, and his ASSIStanT are sitting nearby.

VANCE

Yeah, great. Hey, show us another.

ASSIStanT

Finish your drink, Vance.

JAY

This is a simple riffle shuffle.

JAY shuffles the deck and fumbles some of the cards. VANCE laughs.

Bartender: Do a card trick for me.

VANCE

Ooh, here we go, The Incredible Jay.

JAY

All right, young lady, would you please tell me when to stop?

JAY riffles the edge of the cards, stopping when: Bartender

Stop.

JAY holds up part of the deck, showing the card he was stopped on. He hasn't seen the card himself: it's the three of spades.

JAY

This is your card. Commit it to memory, hm?

JAY puts the deck back together, the three of spades apparently somewhere in the middle.

VANCE

That's incredible, Jay.

ASSIStanT

Don't be a jerk.

JAY

Right, now...

JAY spreads the cards out face-down, then uses the four of diamonds to flip them all face-up.

JAY

Do you see your card?

Bartender: Um...no, I don't.

JAY plays with the cards, making the Bartender laugh.

JAY

No, the cards say no.

VANCE stage-whispers.

VANCE

Check his pocket.

ASSIStanT

For God's sake, Vance.

VANCE gets up.

VANCE

Oh, just check-check the damn pocket!

JAY

So, if you then would remove-

VANCE comes over and clears his throat. He pulls a card out of JAY's pocket and turns it over.

VANCE

This your card?

It's the three of spades.

Bartender: Why are you so mean? Can't you just leave the old guy alone?

JAY is taken aback.

THEATER

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

"I Am the Douchebag" by Christopher Lennertz and Steve Frangadakis plays. Another MAGICIAN, a Young Man, JEB DEXTER, is practicing a trick involving flying on wires, smoke, and flames in the palms of his hands, to a small audience.

Music: You can't see me

You can't feel me

But I will make it real

Yet ANOTHER MAGICIAN, CHARLIE, an Old Man with a birthmark above his right eye, is one of the audience members. So is JAY and so is yet ANOTHER MAGICIAN, VERNON, an Old Man.

Music: Testify

CHARLIE

Is he wearing eyeliner?

MUSIC

Sanctify

Electrify

VERNON

Can't tell. I'm blinded by all the sterling silver.

Music: I am the spirit of the night

JEB

The light has to find me!

The music stops.

JEB

Get it? It, it has to find me!

HELPER

Let's take it back.

CHARLIE

What a douchebag.

JAY

Would you guys give it a rest? You're giving me a headache.

VERNON

Oh, come on, Jay. His misdirect is shaking his ass like an Eighth Avenue hooker.

CHARLIE

Used to be about skill.

JAY

Yeah, used to be. Used to be. Listen to the two of you. It's pathetic. Bitter old men talking about the glory days. You know what? This douchebag isn't the joke. We are.

CHARLIE

Hey, who you calling a joke?

JAY

Me, for one.

JEB's act is back on.

Music: Mystify

Sanctify

Electrify

JAY

That used to be us.

MUSIC

I am the spirit of the night

JAY

You know, maybe he is a douchebag-

Music: Mystify

Sanctify

Electrify

JAY

But he's playing the main stage and we can't even afford an assistant. What the hell are we doing?

CHARLIE

We're doing all right.

MUSIC

I am the vision of night

JAY

No, we're not. We're sad, we're old, and we're dying.

CHARLIE

Jay.

JAY

I'm gonna do the Table of Death tonight.

VERNON

No. No, you're not, Jay. Don't be crazy.

CHARLIE

You almost k*lled yourself the last time you tried it, and that was thirty years ago!

JAY

Oh, who cares if it kills me? At least I'll go out with a headline.

DINNER THEATER

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

SOMEONE in the audience is yawning. JAY is onstage in a tuxedo.

JAY

Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to see is not a trick or an illusion-simply a display of daring and dexterity.

JAY lies down on a table labeled Table of Death. CHARLIE cuffs him down.

JAY

Now, young lady, if you'll please check the bindings, you'll see they're very real. Very tight.

A Young Woman tests each of the cuffs.

JAY

Thank you. You may take your seat.

CHARLIE

Damn straight they're tight. You sure you can slip them?

JAY smirks.

Above the table are ten swords, each with a blade stained red. CHARLIE pulls a curtain, hiding JAY and the swords from view. The lights go out. Backstage, VERNON does the sign of the cross. CHARLIE picks up a miniature blowtorch and goes over to VERNON. They communicate silently. JAY tries to slip the cuffs; they're too tight. CHARLIE lights the blowtorch, then the end of a cord attached to a rope.

EXT. Hotel PATRICIA - NIGHT

VANCE and his ASSIStanT are leaving Pat's Pub.

ASSIStanT

Show's in an hour, Vance. Try to be on time.

VANCE waves her off.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The cord burns with much light and smoke and sparks. A light behind the curtain shows JAY's silhouette as he struggles to get out of the cuffs.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

VANCE walks along.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The cord burns to the end and through the rope. The swords fall, piercing the table. JAY's silhouette is still on the table.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

VANCE stumbles, pressing his hands to his chest, and falls.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The lights are back on. CHARLIE tugs one curtain aside, JAY the other. JAY takes a bow. A standing ovation. JAY accepts the applause, looking confused.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

VANCE is lying on the ground. Blood soaks his white shirt from several places under the shirt.

ACT ONE

STREET

EXT. STREET - DAY

JEB DEXTER is doing card tricks for an audience.

JEB

This, this isn't a trick, okay? I, I, I don't do tricks. This is a demonstration-

"CRISS ANGEL IS A DOUCHEBAG"

JEB

-about demons and angels-

Dean and Sam, wearing suits, approach JEB.

Starring

JARED PADALECKI

JEB

-love and lust-

Dean: What a douchebag.

JENSEN ACKLES

There are a CAMERAPERSON and a MICROPHONE PERSON in the audience.

JEB

-all that stuff mixed up in my head.

Sam: That's Jeb Dexter.

Guest Starring

Barry BOSTWICK

Dean: I don't even want to know how you know that.

LUKE CAMILLIERI

Sam: He's famous, kind of.

JEB

-but whatever happens, no matter how-

Dean: For what? Douchebaggery?

GENEVIEVE CORTESE

JEB

-messed up it gets, don't touch me, okay?

RICHARD LIBERTINI

JEB

For your own safety.

JEB inhales.

John RUBINSTEIN

Michael RUBINSTEIN

JEB exhales, shaking his head, then imitates something like a seizure. With one hand he grabs for the cards in his other hand and scatters them, flinging them in the direction of the window behind him.

JEB

Go back to hell, demon!

The card that sticks to the window is the ace of diamonds. JEB drags his hand over the card to show that it's on the far side of the glass.

JEB

Is this your card?

Applause.

Dean: You've got to be kidding me. A fake demon possession?

Co-Producers

JERRY WANEK

SERGE LADOUCEUR

Dean heads away and Sam follows.

Producer

TODD ARONAUER

Dean: I can't believe people actually fall for that crap.

Sam: It's not all crap.

Dean: What part of that was not-

Supervising Producer

SERA GAMBLE

Dean: -a steaming pile of BS?

Sam: Okay, that was crap, but that's not all magicians.

Co-Executive Producer

PETER JohnSON

Sam: It takes skill.

Co-Executive Producer

BEN EDLUND

Dean: Oh, right, right, I forgot. You were actually into this stuff, weren't you?

Co-Executive Producer

PHIL SGRICCIA

Dean: I mean, you had, you had, like a deck of cards and a wand.

Sam: Dude, I was thirteen. It was a phase.

Executive Producer

McG

Dean: Just-it bugs me. You know, playing at demons and, and magic, when the real thing will k*ll you bloody.

Executive Producer

KIM MANNERS

Sam: Like a guy who drops dead of ten s*ab wounds-

Produced by

VLADIMIR STEFOFF

Sam: -without a single tear in his shirt?

Dean: That's what I'm talking about.

Created by

ERIC KRIPKE

VANCE's Hotel ROOM

INT. Hotel ROOM - DAY

VANCE's ASSIStanT tosses a bunch of metal rings into a mostly-packed trunk. She turns to face Sam and Dean.

Written by

Julie SIEGE

Dean: So did your boss have any enemies that you know of?

ASSIStanT

Vance had plenty of enemies.

She leans down and grabs the end of a series of tied-together handkerchiefs.

Sam: How so?

Directed by

Robert SINGER

ASSIStanT

He would steal from other magicians. All the time.

Sam: What would he steal?

ASSIStanT

Stage effects, closeup techniques, anything he could get his hands on.

Dean: Is that enough to get him k*lled?

ASSIStanT

These guys take this stuff pretty seriously.

She moves a cloth off a white rabbit.

ASSIStanT

There you are.

She bends down to pick up and pet the rabbit.

Dean: Did you find anything weird in Vance's stuff? Well, weirder?

ASSIStanT

Matter of fact, I did.

She puts the bunny in a bag and pulls out a Rider-Waite tarot card: the Ten of Swords. The image on the card is of ten swords sticking out of a man's back.

Sam: I'm guessing this didn't belong to Vance.

ASSIStanT

He hated card tricks. Never wanted them around. Let alone in his precious cape.

She hands over the card. Sam looks at both sides of it: it looks like a perfectly ordinary tarot card.

JAY's Hotel ROOM

INT. Hotel ROOM - DAY

JAY is practicing card tricks when SOMEONE knocks on the door. He grins and goes over to open the door, then waves him in: it's CHARLIE.

CHARLIE

You gonna tell me how you did it?

JAY

Did what?

CHARLIE

You know what.

JAY

The great ones never give away the how.

CHARLIE

Yesterday you were sad, old, and dying. Today you're one of the great ones? Come on. This is me you're talking to.

JAY

You didn't think I could do it.

CHARLIE

No, Jay, I didn't. You're my friend, my best friend. I just didn't want to see you get hurt.

JAY goes back to playing with the cards.

JAY

Charlie, you want to see something? Look at this.

JAY cuts the deck several times and extracts three cards from it, all three aces.

CHARLIE

Not bad.

JAY

'Not bad'? I've been working to pull an ace out of the middle of the deck for years, just one, and now I can pull three.

CHARLIE

Still missing the ace of hearts.

JAY

I want to do the Executioner tonight.

CHARLIE

Are you trying to get yourself k*lled?

JAY

It's just a rope slip.

CHARLIE

Houdini wouldn't try the Executioner.

JAY

Exactly. Think about it, Charlie. If I can pull this off...

CHARLIE

I think you're pushing your luck.

JAY

It wasn't luck. It wasn't. Here, stand over there.

JAY moves CHARLIE to where he wants him.

JAY

Let's not end up like this, Charlie, a couple old farts doing birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

CHARLIE

Beats dying.

JAY

Does it?

CHARLIE

I would do anything for you. You know that. But I will not watch you die. I'll miss that show.

JAY

No, you'll be there. You're always there for me. Check your pocket.

CHARLIE checks his coat pocket, then his shirt pocket; the ace of hearts is there. CHARLIE laughs.

CHARLIE

That's good, Jay. That's pretty damn good.

JAY

I can do it, Charlie. I want to do it.

CHARLIE nods. JAY laughs.

THEATER

INT. THEATER - DAY

There's a sign up that reads The Incredible Jayover the Table of Death. JEB DEXTER is on the phone nearby.

JEB

It's a lame gig. I'm in a fleabag hotel doing this man-of-the-people crap, and freaking Angel's in Vegas doing Cirque du Soleil! That should have been mine.

JEB sits down at a table. CHARLIE and VERNON are at an adjacent table. Dean approaches them.

JEB

All right, boys, get it in gear, I don't got all day.

JEB's CAMERAPERSON and MICROPHONE PERSON start moving. Dean crouches behind VERNON.

Dean: You Vernon Haskell?

VERNON

Who's asking?

Dean: Federal agent. Ulrich.

Dean shows him an FBI ID.

Dean: Looking into the death of Patrick Vance.

JEB talks into the camera. He's sitting across from JAY.

JEB

I'm Jeb Dexter. This is Devil Twist. We're chilling at the International Magicians' Convention, which is a dope chance to tip my hat to the wicked cats who came before me. Smoking hot effect last night, Jim.

JAY

Jay.

JEB

Huh?

JAY

My name is Jay.

JEB

Yeah, whatever. We can loop it later.

VERNON

What a douchebag.

Dean: Couldn't agree more. Is, uh-

Dean pulls out the Ten of Swords.

Dean: This familiar to you?

VERNON

Should it be?

Dean: Well, I heard that you used tarot cards in your act.

VERNON

My act?

VERNON laughs.

VERNON

That was a long time ago. I haven't touched a deck in years, you know...

VERNON holds up a shaking hand.

Dean: Do you know someone that might use them now?

VERNON

Well, there was a guy down on Bleeker Street.

CHARLIE

Oh, yeah. He, he peddles that kind of specialty stuff.

Dean: Did he have a problem with Vance?

VERNON

Matter of fact, Vance crossed him about a year ago. Probably cost him fifty grand in royalties.

CHARLIE nods.

Dean: You know the exact address?

VERNON

Four twenty-six Bleeker.

CHARLIE

Ask for Chief.

Dean: Chief. Thank you.

BLEEKER ST.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Dean walks along the street till he comes to a neon sign saying 426. Dean knocks on the bars on the door. The chain-link door swings open, revealing a Young Man who eyes Dean.

Dean: I'm, uh, here to see Chief.

The Young Man raises his eyebrows and opens the barred door.

INT. BUILDING - NIGHT

Dean follows the Young Man downstairs.

Young Man

Stay here. Don't touch anything.

The Young Man leaves. Dean looks around. There's graffiti on the walls and the bass line of music is audible. A door opens and Dean turns to face it: a LARGE Man, CHIEF, climbs the stairs, backlit, and the music is more clearly heard. CHIEF is wearing all leather and carrying a flogger, which he slaps into his other hand a couple times.

CHIEF

You are really gonna get it tonight, big boy.

Dean: There's been a misunderstanding. I, uh, think I've been had.

CHIEF

Oh, you ain't been had till you been had by the Chief.

Dean frowns.

CHIEF

Oh, and before we get started, what's your safeword?

Dean swallows.

MOTEL ROOM

INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Sam is sitting at a table working on his laptop. A knock at the door. Sam looks up, waits, then gets up and goes to peer through the peephole. He sighs and opens the door. It's Ruby, arms folded.

Sam: What are you doing here, Ruby?

Ruby: I should be asking you the Same thing.

Ruby comes in.

Sam: I'm working a job.

Ruby: The whole world's about to be engulfed in hellfire, and you're in Magictown, USA.

Sam laughs.

Sam: You got something against magic?

Ruby: That would almost be funny if thirty-four seals hadn't been broken already. Thirty-four, Sam. That's over halfway. The angels are losing this w*r. Every day is one day closer, and if someone doesn't do something soon-

Sam: And that someone is me?

Ruby: Who else would it be?

Sam: I don't know where these seals are. I don't know squat. So why don't you tell me where you'd like me to start?

Ruby: Well, you can quit dicking around here, for one. Bigger fish, Sam. And if the seals are being broken, you might want to go after the one doing the breaking.

Sam: Lilith?

Ruby: Cut the head off the snake. You're the only one who can stop her, Sam. So step up and k*ll the little bitch.

Sam: Oh, I'm game, believe me. It's not the psychic thing I got a problem with.

Ruby: Yeah, I know what you got a problem with, but tough. It's the only way.

Sam: No.

Ruby: You know, this would all be so much easier if you'd just admit to yourself that you like it. That feeling that it gives you.

Sam: You don't know what you're talking about.

Ruby: Oh I don't, huh? Fine.

Ruby goes to leave.

Ruby: It's simple. Lucifer rises, the apocalypse starts. You think that you have demons on your hands now? People are gonna die, Sam. Oceans of people. So you just let me know when you're ready.

Ruby leaves.

THEATER

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Sam stands near an entrance. Dean comes up behind him.

Dean: Find anything interesting?

Sam: What? Uh, no. You?

Dean: Nothing I want to talk about, or think about, ever again.

VERNON and CHARLIE stand together.

VERNON

He's crazy, and you know it.

CHARLIE

He says he can do it.

VERNON

Did you even try to talk him out of it?

CHARLIE

Till I was blue in the face. But I tell you, Vernon, there was...there was something in his eyes.

VERNON

'In his eyes'? You're both nuts.

Dean and Sam approach.

Dean: The Chief, huh?

CHARLIE

What's the matter? Chief not your type?

CHARLIE smirks. Dean smirks back.

Dean: You know, I could have you both arrested for obstruction of justice.

VERNON

How? You're no Fed.

CHARLIE

We con people for a living, son. Takes more than a fake badge to get past us.

Dean laughs. So does Sam.

Dean: You got us. Yeah, we-we are actually-aspiring magicians.

Sam: Yeah, we -- We came to the convention 'cause we thought we could learn something.

Dean: Yeah, get some ideas for our new show.

VERNON

Ooh, what kind of show?

Dean: Well, it's-- It's a --

Sam: It's a brother act.

Dean: Yeah. Yeah, you know, with the rings and doves and...rings.

CHARLIE

You want to learn something? Stick around.

JAY

Ladies and gentlemen, what you're about to witness is a feat so daring,

So dangerous, even the great Houdini dared not attempt it. I give to you...The executioner!

INT. JEB's Hotel ROOM

(Jeb is posing in front of a mirror)

INT. CLUB

JAY

Now, sir, as you can see, this jacket is the real article.

Thank you, sir. You may take your seat.

Now, I will have one minute -- 60 seconds --To escape certain death.

Let's see if I can do it.

( the curtain falls and Jay's silhouette is seen struggling to get out of the straightjacket)

INT. JEB's Hotel ROOM

(as Jeb poses a noose moved by itself and positions itself behind him)

INT. CLUB

(Jay can be seen still maneuvering out of the straightjacket)

Dean: I don't think he's gonna make it.

INT. JEB's Hotel ROOM

(the noose drops around Jeb's neck and pulls him up, hanging him)

INT. CLUB

(Jay pushes aside the curtain, unharmed)

Dean: Oh! That was amazing! That was freakin' amazing!

Sam: That was...not humanly possible.

INT. JEB's Hotel ROOM

(Jeb hangs from the noose tied to the ceiling fan , dead)

ACT 2

INT. Hotel ROOM

Sam: Looks like this guy Jay was a pretty big deal in the '70s.

Dean: Which in magician land means what, exactly?

Sam: Big enough to play radio city music hall.

Dean: What got him stuck in their "where are they now?" File?

Sam: He got old.

Dean: Okay, so maybe incredible Jay is using real magic to stage a comeback.

Sam: It's possible. Some kind of spell that works a death transference.

Dean: How does the tarot card mix into it?

Sam: I don't know.

Dean: Man...hope I die before I get old. Whole thing seems brutal, don't it?

Sam: You think we will?

Dean: What?

Sam: Die before we get old.

Dean: Haven't we both already?

Sam: You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60?

Dean: No, I think we'll be dead...for good. What? You want to end up like -- Like travis? Huh?Or Gordon, maybe?

Sam: There's Bobby.

Dean: Oh, yeah, there's a poster child for growing old gracefully.

Sam: Maybe we'll be different, Dean.

Dean: What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life.

Sam: What if we could win?

Dean: "Win"?

Sam: If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it.

Dean: Is there something going on you're not telling me?

Sam: No.

Dean: Sammy.

Sam: No. Look, I'm just saying...I just wish there was a way we could...go after the source. That's all. Cut the head off the snake.

Dean: Well, the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. Evil b*tches just keep

piling out of the Volkswagen.

Sam: Yeah. Guess you're right.

Dean: Why don't you go see if you can track down Jay? I'll see what I can dig up on this tarot card.

INT. Hotel LOBBY

Sam: Hey.

Dean: Maid found Jeb hanging from the ceiling fan. Police think it was a su1c1de.

(Dean pulls out another tarot card, this time of the hanged man)

I beg to differ. Pulled a little sleight of hand myself.

Sam: On Dexter's body?

Dean: Yeah, so I'm thinking if this spell is a death transference, then these cards work

like black-Magic targets.

Sam: Any connection between the victims?

Dean: Jeb was a total douche bag to Jay yesterday.

Sam: What about the first vic? Uh, Vance?

Dean: Asked around. Apparently, Vance was heckling Jay at the bar the day he was k*lled.

Sam: Okay, so Jay sneaks a card into Vance's pocket, does the table of death...

Dean: And Vance takes 10 swords to the chest.

Sam: Then Jay slips a noose and Jeb doesn't. Hell of a trick.

Dean: Yeah, I think it's time we had a little chat with Jay. Any luck tailing him?

Sam: He slipped me.

Dean: He's a 60-Year-Old.

Sam: He's a magician.

(Sam & Dean follow Jay to his hotel room)

Dean: Up against the wall!

JAY

God, who are you? What do you want?

Dean: Now!

Sam: We know what you've been up to.

Dean: You been working some real bad mojo to jump-Start your act.

JAY

What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Sam: Look, we know you put a spell on those tarot cards.

Dean: Messing with real magic?

JAY

"Real magic"? Come on, there's no such thing as real magic.

Dean: Oh, is that so?

JAY

Yeah, believe me. I've been around this stuff my whole life. It's all just --It's -- It's

illusions. It's tricks. It -- It's all fake.

Dean: Jeb Dexter strung up --was that just an illusion?

JAY

What? Something happened to Jeb?

Sam: He was found hanged in his room. Right after you slipped the noose last night.

JAY

I don't know what you're talking about. Please...Just let me go.

Dean: Something's not right.

Sam: Usually they're whipping some badass hoodoo at us by now.

(Sam & Dean have tied Jay to a chair)

Dean: What do you want to do?

Sam: All right, so, if it's not him, who is it?

Dean: Even if Jay's not working the magic, he's still getting the reward. His shows are selling out.

Sam: All right. So, then, whoever it is, they're obviously in Jay's corner.

Dean: All right, so we got Vernon and Charlie on the list. Anyone else?

Sam: Uh...We could always ask him.

(Jay has escaped from the chair and is gone)

Dean: Guess we should have seen that one coming.

Sam: Come on. He couldn't have gotten that far.

(Sam & Dean leave the room, Jay peeks out of the closet)

Sam: No way he could outrun us.

Dean: Maybe he vanished. I mean, he really is good.

Sam: Or he found a back door.

(Jay comes up behind them as the police come into the lobby)

JAY

That's them! Those are the two nut jobs that just broke into my room!

ACT 3

INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER

JAY

They said my act is k*lling people. They said that I was using real magic, that I was casting spells on tarot cards.

CHARLIE

"Real magic." Those guys are nuts. You're lucky to be alive.

JAY

You don't think...

CHARLIE

What?

JAY

Well, the things that I can do now -- The cards.

CHARLIE

You've been working the cards your whole life.

JAY

Well, what about the escapes? I haven't been able to slip a pair of cuffs in 30 years.

And then there was the way that -- that patrick Vance d*ed. And that Jeb Dexter.

CHARLIE

Yeah, no great loss there.

JAY

Oh, Charlie, he didn't deserve to die.

CHARLIE

You had nothing to do with it.

JAY

He was hanged the Same night that I performed the executioner.

CHARLIE

Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you actually believe those guys? That there was some kind of "real magic" involved?

JAY

No. I don't know. I don't know, maybe. I shouldn't go on tonight, Charlie.

CHARLIE

Are you kidding me? You have a sold-out house out there. Sold out! When was the last time that happened?

JAY

The other night...When I was doing the table of death, I was, um...I was gonna k*ll myself. And I have no idea how I got out alive.

CHARLIE

But you did. Somehow, you did. Jay...when you were in your day you were incredible. "The incredible Jay." You were the best I ever saw. And now you got it back. I don't know how, but it doesn't matter. Just to see you at the top of your game again. Hell, it makes me feel young.

JAY

But

CHARLIE

No buts, Jay. This may be mana from heaven, I don't know, but whatever it is, you don't throw it away.

INT. THEATER- STAGE

(Jay lies on the table of death, Charlie lights the rope holding the plate of swords up, Charlie goes backstage to Vernon, Jay stands up unharmed)

Woman: Oh my god somebody gonna call 911

AUDIENCE MEMBER

I don't know

JAY

What's the...

(Jay finds Charlie covered in s*ab wounds)

INT. Hotel LOBBY

Sam: Jay. Thanks for dropping the charges.

Dean: You mind telling us why you did it?

JAY

We have to talk.

INT. BAR

JAY

I was just a kid when we first met. All I knew was how to cheat at cards. Charlie got me out of more scrapes than I can count. Hell, I would have been dead by the age of 20 if it hadn't been for him.[ Sighs ]he was more than my friend. He was my brother.

Sam: I'm sorry, Jay.

JAY

Look, I should have listened to you guys when you told me that my show was k*lling people.

Dean: Well, you weren't the one pulling the trigger.

JAY

Yeah, but someone did, and I want to find out who did this to Charlie, so I'll do whatever you guys say. Just tell me what to do.

Sam: Jay, whoever's doing this...They like you. They're probably close to you. Did Charlie and Vernon get along?

JAY

No. No, it's not Vernon.

Dean: He's the only one that makes sense.

Sam: Charlie and Vernon were your family, Jay.

Dean: And now Charlie's gone.

JAY

Yeah, but...they butted heads sometimes, but Vernon could never do something like this.

Dean: See, the thing about real magic is it's a whole lot like cr*ck. People do surprising things

once they get a taste of it.

JAY

You better be damn sure about this. Vernon's all I got left.

INT. VERNON's Hotel ROOM

VERNON

( picks up phone)

Yeah? Yeah, okay. I'll be there in two shakes. I got something to tell you

anyway.

(after Vernon leaves, Sam and Dean enter Vernon's hotel room)

Sam: Wow. It's like a...magic museum.

Dean: You must be in heaven. This guy doesn't travel light.

Sam: He's been on the road his whole life. Probably everything he owns is in this room.

Dean: Let's get started.

INT. THEATER

VERNON

Just talked to the head of the convention. Headliner gig is yours.

(Jay turns around)

VERNON

What? You don't want it?

JAY

A day ago, if you told me I'd be standing on this stage...No, I can't do it, Vernon.

VERNON

What are you talking about?

JAY

Charlie's gone.

VERNON

Charlie would have wanted you to go on. This is your sh*t. It's our sh*t.

JAY

Really? This is what Charlie would have wanted? Charlie's dead.

VERNON

Hey, he was my friend, too, you know.

JAY

It's a hell of a way to treat a friend.

VERNON

Again, what are you talking about?

JAY

You k*lled him, didn't you? And for what? So that I -- So that we could be back on top?

VERNON

That's insane. (Chuckles ) no, you're scaring me.

JAY

First it was Vance, then it was Jeb . Even if you thought you were doing it for me, how in god's name could you k*ll Charlie?

VERNON

Oh, you are crazy.

JAY

You used me, and you used my act to do this to him. If you think --

Man: I wouldn't be so hard on him, Jay. He didn't do it.

INT. VERNON's Hotel ROOM

Dean: This is just a bunch of old-Timey magic stuff --None of it magic.

Sam: No herbs, no candles, and no tarot cards.

Dean: I'll be damned.

Sam: What?

Dean: (holds up poster)

Look like anyone we know?

INT. THEATER

VERNON

Sweet Mary and Joseph.

JAY

Charlie.

ACT 4

CHARLIE

It's really me, Jay.

VERNON

How the hell...

CHARLIE

God, you forget what it feels like to be young. It's amazing.

JAY

How old are you?

CHARLIE

Oh, it depends on what you mean by "old." Right now, technically,

about 28, but I've been around a lot longer than that.

JAY

How long?

CHARLIE

Long enough to have shilled for Barnum. And he gave me something.

JAY

What's that?

CHARLIE

The grimoire --A book of real magic. At first, I thought it was a scam, but then I tried one of the spells, and it worked. In fact, they all worked. So when I got to the end and there was one for immortality...

VERNON

My god, Charlie.

JAY

And my show, the things that I can do.

CHARLIE

Different spell. But it gives you a little taste of what's possible.

(Charlie pulls out a deck of tarot cards)

Oh, no, I wouldn't touch those, Vernon. They're --They're still radioactive.

JAY

You k*lled Vance and Jeb Dexter.

CHARLIE

What, you think this is a parlor game? You were being humiliated by those punks.

A washed-up old man who couldn't even defend himself.

JAY

You used me to do these terrible things.

CHARLIE

I used them to give you a gift. And you wanted it, Jay. I saw it in your eyes.

JAY

No, I never wanted this.

CHARLIE

You were ready to k*ll yourself. I saved your life.

VERNON

Is that right, Jay?

CHARLIE

I was there for you, like I've always been. Like I'll always be. Come with me, both of you.

You think the first time around was good? The second time's even better. All the know how, none of the aches and pain.

JAY

No, I won't do this. I won't.

CHARLIE

I've never made this offer before. But, then again, I've never had friends like the two of you before. Let me do this for you.

JAY

And who else has to die so that we can live forever? What's the price tag on immortality? This isn't right, Charlie, what you're doing. You know that. Somewhere, you know that.

CHARLIE

I know I don't want to come back alone, to start all over, alone.

VERNON

Jay...We can be young again.

CHARLIE

The three of us together --

Vital and alive...forever

Dean: Not so fast! I ain't Guttenberg, and this ain't "Cocoon." Immortality. That's a neat trick.

CHARLIE

It's not a trick. It's magic.

(a noose appears behind Dean, drops around his neck and lifts him. Sam sh**t Charlie, Charlie catches the b*llet in his teeth)

CHARLIE

Hey, b*llet catch --Been working on that.

Dean: Get him!

Sam: Let him go -- Now!

CHARLIE

Just leave me and my friends alone. All right, I will give it up --The spells, the hexes. This is the last time. I promise.

(Charlie pushes Sam onto a the sword-table. Charlie clutches his stomach, where he is now bleeding.)

CHARLIE

Jay...You picked these strangers over me?

Sam: You okay?

Dean: Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.

ACT 5

INT. BAR

Dean: Hey, Jay. We wanted to thank you for what you did yesterday.

JAY

I k*lled my best friend yesterday, and you want to thank me?

Sam: Where's Vernon?

JAY

Oh, he's gone. He said he didn't want to speak to me again after what I did to Charlie.

Dean: Listen, Jay...you know Charlie was never gonna give up what he was doing. Ever. You did the right thing.

JAY

Are you sure about that? You know, Charlie was like my brother. And now he's dead... because I did "the right thing." He offered me a gift, and I just threw it back in his face. So now I have to spend the rest of my life old and alone. What's so right about that?

Bartender: Jay...your cards.

JAY

Throw them away.

Dean: Well, I don't know about you, but...I could go for a beer.

Sam: I'm gonna take a walk.

EXT. ALLEY

(Sam opens the door to Ruby's car)

Sam: Okay.I'm in.

Ruby: What changed your mind?

Sam: I don't want to be doing this when I'm an old man.

END