01x17 - The Royal Couple of Thieves

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Xena: Warrior Princess". Aired: September 1995 to June 2001.*
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Xena helps people free themselves against injustices.
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01x17 - The Royal Couple of Thieves

Post by bunniefuu »

Hail the jewel.

Well, hello, handsome.

Now, I know what you want...

...but I'm afraid a broken heart
is all I can give you at the moment.

We need to talk.

Talk is cheap.
I have an expensive ear.

You are a very persistent
woman. But this is mine.

I stole it, I have uses
for it.

Now what would I want with a
melted chunk of rock sugar?

Sure looked like
a diamond, didn't it?

Well, I applaud your attempt,
but it's not quite that easy to catch...

...the king of thieves.

This is not good.

Not easy to catch,
but not impossible.

-Xena, right?
-On your feet.

No, this is fine.

I hope you have
a very good reason for this.

I want you to steal
the most valuable object in the world.

Well, things are looking up.

In the time of ancient gods...,

warlords

and kings,

a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.

She was Xena.

A mighty princess

forged in the heat of battle.

The power.

The passion.

The danger.

Her courage will change the world.

XENA - WARRIOR PRINCESS

Tying my hands
is really unnecessary.

-I said I would listen to your proposition.
-And it's not like you would lie to us now, is it?

I haven't yet.

Didn't Hercules tell you
I was an honorable man?

Well, at least cover my hands.
It's embarrassing, for Zeus's sake!

Thank you.

-Do you know Malthus?
-Malthus, the w*rlord, I'm assuming.

Yes, his island is just off the coast.

-I don't steal from him, by the way.
-He's afraid.

No, we have an arrangement.

I don't steal from him and he
doesn't gouge my eyes out with hot pokers.

It's worked out very well so far.

How clumsy of me!

Malthus has stolen a valuable chest.
He plans to auction it off this week.

What makes this chest so valuable?

It's covered with jewels
and gold-leaf.

It contains the most powerful w*apon
this world has ever known.

-What kind of w*apon?
-I don't know.

I just know it exists,
so does Malthus.

The people coming to bid are
the most ruthless villains alive.

I want that chest.

You don't exactly strike me
as the mercenary type.

That chest is very important
to some friends of mine.

I promised to return it to them.
Will you help?

No.

Not because I wouldn't want to do
your bidding. That's another subject.

But as I explained before,
Malthus and I have an arrangement.

Well, the dagger was a nice touch...

...but it took me about...
all of four seconds to get around it.

That, however, was very good.

Oh, for the love of Zeus...

A really good thief would jump
at the chance to steal from Malthus.

Well, only if he deserved the reputation
as the greatest thief that ever lived.

I thought Hercules said
it was this guy.

Apparently, he was wrong.

I heard that Malacious of Amphese
is good and available.

You're trying to use
my ego against me.

-I didn't think it would work.
-No, it worked. I'll do it.

Not for money, though
I'll take a reward...

But mainly because
I am the king of thieves.

You will certainly have
the gratitude of my people.

Your gratitude is all
any man could ever want.

However, this particular
man has...

-...financial needs.
-Is money the only thing in your life?

I believe it is. Now, we were
talking about a reward.

2000 now, 2000 later.

Obviously no expense has been spared.

It's all they have.

This thing means a lot to you?

It's hard to explain. Have you
ever known anything that defines...

...what you are
as a person and a people?

It may be just metal,
or jewels and stone to others.

But to us, it's who we are.

You've hired the best.
You'll get it back.

Sinteres is rich and he's feared. He hires
himself out as "the ultimate assassin".

If anybody can afford
this auction, he can.

That's why you're going as him.

Reputation and wealth...
Well, that's good cover.

And where is our friend,
at the moment?

Wrapped in an overthrow
of Hytilus.

We should be done before he gets back.

Sinteres dresses very well.

Oh, I like this ring.

That's mine. I got it from a beautiful princess.

-Was it a gift?
-You're so young...

So, tell me more about this, Sinteres.

Well, I've only heard a few stories.

But he's known as
the Warrior Philosopher.

Everything he says sounds philosophical.

-He always chews on toothpicks.
-Toothpicks?

He's deadly. He once k*lled a
man with only a rose petal.

Interesting. Toothpicks...

I'm going along as your assistant.

Sinteres isn't known to have one, but
I don't think anyone'll ask questions.

Well, let's hope he's at least...

...as debonair and charming as
I am, or no one will be fooled.

This guy's incredible. I mean,
yes, he's good-looking, but give me a break.

Look, we should be done in three or four
days... And then we won't see him any more.

Ah, Xena...

I think I've found your disguise.

The assistant to Sinteres
would wear no less.

Any less and there wouldn't be.

Stick to the philosophy
and not the fantasy.

I must tell you I'm not
very fond of water.

You sure this leaky
tub is the right one?

-Yes, I'm sure, Lord Sinteres.
-Lord Sinteres?

Sinteres...

The journey to the island
will take all night.

My master, Malthus, has
provided food for the journey.

-We leave momentarily.
-Tell us about the w*apon.

Malthus will answer
your questions, I will answer none.

I'm Magmar of the Gauls.

And I want you should know
I don't fear you.

You must excuse my lord.

It's been a long journey and
we're very tired.

The fact that he plays with
you is a good thing.

It means he likes you.

Strange humor...

Magmar can tell
a joke from a challenge.

And a challenge with humor brings...

...mirth without blood.

Allow me to introduce my
assist... concubine... Cherish.

She's just a little nervous, you see, because
she's never been on a ship before.

So I bought her some new clothes.

Why don't you go below decks and slip into this?

You'll feel much better.

Isn't she something?

Of course the trick in
k*lling someone with an apricot...

...is really in the wrist.

The drawback is
it kills instantly...

...so there's no time to
gather information.

So, for situations like
that, well, I use a muffin.

Is that what you used
to k*ll Neolos?

Neolos...

Well, I've k*lled so many, so many ways...

Apricots, muffins, those...

...little things that keep your
shirt together instead of buttons.

I can't recall.

But know this...

That bastard, Neolos, d*ed
a death that was long and painful.

He was my brother.

Yes, well, of course, I must be
thinking of the other Neolos.

Perhaps you were.

Well, very nice.

Like the gentle dew
of the morning breath...

...clinging lightly
to your heaving...

Might I have a word with you alone,
Lord Sinteres?

What do you think you're doing?
Concubine?

Oh, come on. Do you really think
those people would believe that...

...someone like Sinteres would have
someone like you without...

-...having someone like you?
-Just you watch it.

-You know, that really is a good look on you.
-Don't start with me now.

Sinteres!

This is for Neolos.

Hold on!

No one kills a member of my
family without paying a price.

You should raise your prices.

Now, my problem
is a vexing one.

k*ll you and ruin a
beautiful, starry night...

...or just injure you to prove a point.

You're still more myth than man...

...and I'm the one to prove it.

Don't look at me.

Well, that worked up an appetite.

And hunger is the gods' way
of saying...

..."Eat.".

And I said... "No need to worry.
It was a stuffed chief of the guards."

Where's your woman? Did she drown?

No, no, she didn't drown.
She should be here momentarily.

She's newly-conquered
territory. You know how it is.

Virgin grounds of rubbish!

Yes, you see, a woman's chastity
is like a new hat.

A beautiful thing that's...

...going to k*ll me.

What took you so long, my dear?
Finishing up my laundry?

Yes.

You left something hanging on the line.

Ah, yes. Well, I knew you
could take care of it.

Come, sit and... grab
those grapes while you're at it.

A little something sweet for after dinner,
ay?

So, Lord Sinteres,
what have we learned about this w*apon?

Does it really matter?
How about some grapes?

Malthus will be greeting his visitors
in one turn of the sand-glass.

If you should need anything, knock on
the door and ask the guard for me.

Arkel doesn't want us wandering
around his master's castle.

Nice... Comfy...

Well, Malthus certainly is the host.

We're not here to enjoy ourselves.

Any ideas how
you're gonna get that chest?

What makes you think Malthus is just gonna let
everyone go once it's missing?

Magmar told me that his former
boss has got a big ego...

...almost as big as yours.

Nothing is as big as mine.

Once he discovers
it's missing...

...Malthus will call off the
auction, without explanation...

...and send us all home.

Ah, I like it.

But you started by saying...
"Once we have the chest."...

That's your department.

We need to talk to Malthus and
find out as much as we can.

Well, we still have plenty of
time before the banquet.

Ah... Only one bed.

Don't even think about it.

Well far from it.

Tell you what.
I'll flip you for it.

Tails.

Heads it is.

Power to rule the world.

What's it worth? How much will you pay?

Lord Malthus, if this w*apon is so
powerful, then why are you selling it?

I don't fear it, I know its secret.

So don't even think about buying it
to use against me.

Now, let's look at why we're here.

Please, don't.

Invisible threads, made from
human hair and spider silk.

If one is broken, it sets off an alarm.

Invisible, right...

Counterweight balance... Even the slightest
change, lighter or heaver...

No one gets near this
chest without me knowing about it.

Assuming they're able
to gain entrance to this room.

The w*apon will be demonstrated
tomorrow at noon.

In the meantime, enjoy
my hospitality.

Let's get to work. I got
you here, now what?

Now, I need a
distraction for my work.

Lord Malthus, your hospitality
is graciously accepted.

But, please, accept a gift of my own.

For the entertainment of
all, my very own Cherish...

...and her dance of the three veils.

Keep them interested,
and make me proud.

You've got two veils!

I lost count. Where are we?

Two.

Amazing.

-What did you pay for her?
-Well, I'll let you set the price.

She might just be that added
incentive to my bid on the chest.

They want to see more, Cherish.

That'll be enough for
now, Cherish. Thank you.

If she has interest
as a bargaining chip...

...I guess
there shoud remain some mystery.

What?

My goodness...

She's got spunk.

It's all set.

Before anyone notices it's
missing, the chest will be tied to the anchor.

-And now for the hard part.
-Hard for you.

Easy, run-of-the-mill for me.

There are four alarm bells
connected to those ropes.

Once I secure the bells,
move swiftly and stay low.

What about the spider-silk threads?

Invisible threads? That's the
oldest trick in the book.

Xena, there are
no threads, trust me.

Seems a little crowded in there.

No threads? Trust you?

Hey...

What is all this about, Arkel?

You know, I've got a few complaints
for Malthus about you.

-Malthus is dead.
-Well, you're off the hook this time.

Somebody in this room
k*lled him and stole the chest.

Take care who you insult.
Malthus was a fool.

He didn't fear the truth, but
he turned his back on an assassin.

Then the auction's off,
I guess. Well, what a shame.

We'll just have to pack our
bags. What time is the boat leaving?

The boat has already left.

And it's gonna stay away until
I have either the chest...

...or the m*rder*r.

I am out of here.

What do you mean,
you're out of here?

Malthus' ego was
important to our plan.

Now he's dead, so is
his ego, so is our plan.

Now any good thief knows when
to back off and pick another pocket.

I can't give up.

This chest is too important
to my friends.

Some advice from me to you...
Find less demanding friends.

There was a time, when I was
young, I was wounded in battle.

And those people found me.

They dressed my wounds
and fed me...

...though they had nothing
to spare.

And then when the enemy came to find me,
one of them d*ed protecting me.

However, I can't expect
that you would understand that.

Understand? What, just because I'm a
thief, no matter how or why?

Well, I just figured you learned it
from your father.

My father? Well, that would be
an interesting subject...

...except that he was
k*lled before I was born.

My mother d*ed when
I was eight...

...so it was just my older brother
to take care of me.

Like those people took care of you.

And when he was k*lled, you...
do what you can to survive.

If we find out who k*lled
Malthus, we'll find that chest.

Well, let's get on with it then, shall we?

Ah, yes, but first,
I must get some sleep...

And I get the bed this time,
thank you.

The chest!

-Who is it?
-Arkel sent me to search the room.

Multi-million dinar
castle and no closets...

-Come on, open up!
-One minute!

What's going on in there?

I've never been dead before.
This should be interesting.

Open up!

I told you to wait.

Please, don't be angry with them,
Lord Sinteres.

What? Ah, yes, yes, I'm enraged.

Why, if there was ever a moment
where I was more enraged...


...I haven't found it yet.
Cherish, my toothpicks.

-You'd better go, and hurry.
-This looks secure. My apologies.

They might come back at any moment.
Maybe we should continue.

"Don't fear the truth, face it,
for to turn away from truth is death."

That's strange... What did Malthus
say about not fearing the w*apon?

Who cares? We have the chest.

But how're we gonna get the boat back?

-We put the chest back where it came from.
-Sure, we put the...

The trick is getting this lowered into place.

Out of curiosity, why
not just dump this thing in the hallway?

Because whoever
did it thinks they got the upper hand on us.

And putting it right back where he got it might
make him think twice.

And besides, this is the only place
the guards aren't searching.

Ahah. Good point.

You know, Xena, it's funny.
Hercules never mentioned you.

Oh, I didn't know you
were a confidant of his.

Sure, Herc and I are close, yeah.

Well, fairly close. We have a...

...mutual respect.

Actually, I kind of like the big guy.

Me too.

You and he... Didn't...

Mind your own business, Autolycus.

I didn't think so.

All right, we're secure.
What's next?

I have to think in reverse here.

I lower myself down there, then you
swing the chest out when I give the word.

A kiss before I...

You idiot!

Keep lowering!

Easy for you.

What are you doing here?

I'm here because a man
was k*lled in this very room, and...

...the thought of it makes
my blood boil.

I should expect no less from
a concubine of Sinteres.

I'm also here because
I knew you'd come eventually.

You've seen a lot of danger
in your life, I'll bet.

A fair share.

And some?

Won't Sinteres be missing you?

I left him passed out in our chambers.

All his energy goes into fighting.

He's not much of a lover.

How are you at walks in the moonlight?

Are you sure Sinteres is asleep?

Positive.

By the gods, you're
an animal! I like that!

-Cherish!
-My lord!

There you are.

Arkel and I were
just... talking.

Yes, well, it's a good thing because...

...I've k*lled men
for less. Come on, Cherish.

Did you hear? The chest has been returned.

After breakfast, Arkel
is gonna demonstrate this thing.

And then we can get into it.

They should've found
Malthus' k*ller.

Who's to say who's next...

Attention! Please.

As you all know, the chest has been recovered.

There will be a demonstration of
its deadly power this morning.

Some local fishermen will be
wiped-from the face of the Earth.

But first, I want
to introduce you to someone.

Stop!

Damned are those who dare resist.

A little more pressure and she's dead.

I am Sinteres.

The real Sinteres.

Xena, I'm sorry. I had
to do something.

It's all right. I was getting
tired of this game, anyway.

Sinteres, I've been looking forward
to this.

The Warrior Princess...
We finally meet.

You understand about pressure points.

And who's your colorful friend?

I am Autolycus, the king...

...of thieves.

Imposter!

Allow me the honor of k*lling them both...

...to avenge the m*rder of Malthus.

A m*rder which you committed yourself.

That's insane!

When we heard that
Malthus was dead...

...you said something about
him not fearing the truth.

That was a quote from the writing on the chest.

How could you have known it
if you hadn't stolen it?

-You're a dead man, Prognese!
-No, Arkel.

Allow me.

I need to stretch a
little bit after the journey.

Hold a dagger on this young one.

Otherwise, Xena might
feel bold.

Death has a thousand doors
to let out life.

And, Prognese, I've saved one just for you.

I'll k*ll you!

Painful, isn't it?

Excrutiating pain.

And as you feel the blood
drain from your lifeless heart...

...I explode your brain.

You can k*ll her now.

-Come on.
-Come on, let's go.

-Follow me!
-Quick.

Get some more men.

Find the three of them and
bring me their heads.

-Yes, sir!
-We have a demonstration to attend to.

You're a fool to let her go.

It is my decision to make,
Lord Sinteres.

My men will take care of them.

Right now, I want to test
this marvelous w*apon.

Just out of curiosity, why did we run?

I mean, not that I disagree,
but it doesn't seem to be your style.

We came to get the chest,
that hasn't changed.

How's your head?

Have you ever had a headache that was so
painful you wanted to be dead?

Well, I wish I had one of those right now.

Come here. Put your head down.

Now I do want to be dead.

It will take a while to lose it.
You're very lucky.

Sinteres knows how to k*ll
using pressure points.

-Is that the same stuff that you know?
-Yeah, it just depends how you use it.

I hate to be a nag, but,
what's our next step?

Arkel said that he was going
to round up the villagers.

We need to know where he's taking 'em.

Gabrielle, follow them and mark the trail.

-What about the two of you?
-Don't worry about us.

Just be careful.

Can I ask you something?
Is your life always like this?

Pretty much.

Sheesh!

I'm a thief, not a human fly.

Hercules said you were good at this.

Well, if I knew his high
esteem for me would land me...

...in this position,
in the first place...

I didn't say he held you in high esteem,
I just said he said you were good.

You know, it seems pretty clear to me
that Hercules doesn't know...

...a diamond in the rough when he sees one.
I mean...

-Look at you.
-Care to explain that?

Well, Hercules could have
any woman he wanted.

Obviously, he just passed you by.

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

No, just a fact, but...

If he let someone like you
get away, then he must be a...

Well, all right, yes, it was a compliment.

Hercules isn't as blind as you think.

But neither one of us wants to fool ourselves.

And then there are those of us who...

...live to fool ourselves.

Go this way, Xena.

-There they are!
-Get them!

We haven't got time for this.

-Go on, Xena, I'll hold them off.
-Are you kidding me?

I think I'm kidding
myself. Go on, help those people.

Come on!

Hello again, Sinteres.

Xena!

You said you were looking forward to this.

Well, I plan to make you happy.

Even though this will be the last
bit of joy...

...you experience on this Earth.

Come on, Xena.

Goodbye, Xena.

Whoever kills her gets half this in return.

Xena!

-Well, I made it.
-I knew you would.

Should I concentrate on
anyone in particular...

-Or do we hate them all?
-Every last one.

Yeah.

Everybody out! Come on!

Arkel, don't!

Let's see what this w*apon can do.

Gabrielle, Autolycus,
don't fear the truth, face it.

Don't run.

That was incredible.

And you want to return
this to your friends?

It belongs to them. And, besides,
it'll be safe with them.

"Thou shall not covet."?
"Thou shall not steal."?

Who can live by those laws?

It's all there. All that we have.

But money alone cannot
repay you for what you've done.

To be honest, I don't think you
have anything that can.

Theft is not a thing that we admire...

...but you truly
are the king of thieves.

Yes, I am.

Well, we are.

Just make sure
everyone knows about it...

...because I'm only as good
as my reputation.

Normally, I'd make a
more dramatic exit, but...

...I think I could use a walk.

And what could I say to you?

I've never had a partner in
crime before, and after this...

...I never will.

Well, I hate to admit it, but I like him.

Even though when you strip it all away,
he's just a thief for hire.

Is he?

I wish I had known he was going to do that...

...I wouldn't have taken this.

Pretty, isn't it?

Gabrielle, didn't you read those tablets?
"Thou shall not steal.".

I promise I'll give it back...
as soon as I find the owner.
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