04x01 - The Tart With Heart

[bunniefuu]

[MAXWELL] Yes, we're in Paris.

Ms. Fine confused my suitcase with one
containing C.C.'s dog, Chester.

Got locked in a closet of 747.

And, well, suffice it to say, we're here.

Which I must admit is not entirely
unpleasant.

[singing in French]

For God sakes,
I'm in Paris with a beautiful woman.

Come on, let's blow this nightclub
and see where life takes us.

[growls]

[FRAN] Apparently, French wine has a
very low alcohol content

'cause life took us
right back to the airport.

- What the hell was that?
- Oh, just a little bump in the road.

What, we hit a deer? We're in the air.

You have to picture yourself going
along a little country lane

with a few dips and potholes.

- What the bloody hell was that?
- Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Mr. Sheffield, I just want you to know

that these last three years
have been just the best years of my life.

I love you.

[FRAN] Well, thank God it was just a
little bump in the road

and after three long years of working it

I mean, working there, I had
finally gotten him to say it.

Ms. Fine, before we go in

I think I should try to explain to you
exactly what happened up there.

Oh, it's okay.

It was all that wine and escargot.

These weren't good shoes anyway.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

You know how it is when
you're facing death

how you sometimes say things
without thinking?

No.

Ms. Fine, I thought we were spending
our last moments

on earth together up there
and so that's why I, [clears throat]

you know, said...

the thing.

The thing?

Yeah. You know, that I felt that way,
at that time, in that place.

Oh, my God, you're taking back the thing?

Please, Ms. Fine, in
the heat of the moment

sometimes people just blurt things out.

You blurted prematurely?

- Are you very upset?
- No. No, I'll be fine.

It's perfectly understandable.
Please, don't touch me.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ 'Till her boyfriend kicked her out
in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do,
where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up,
but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there! ♪

♪ That's how she became the Nanny! ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the docotor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds her
beguiling, (Watch out C.C.!) ♪

♪ And the kids are actually
smiling, (Such joie de vivre!) ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearig tan ♪

♪ (The flashy girl from Flushing) ♪

♪ The nanny named, Fran! ♪

Thanks, Fran.
What a beautiful doll.

I know.

You know, she's Marie Antoinette.

There you go.

And look at here, this is that restaurant
that your father promised to take me to

but then he changed his mind
and took it back which he oft does.

I had made reservations
but the thing was she...

There's that thing again.

Fran, I have a report due for school.

I'm supposed to pick a woman
with an interesting career.

Oh, Gracie, I don't know if there's
enough to write a whole report about me.

There isn't.
That's why I picked Ms. Babcock.

Nanny Fine, don't be hurt

just because I'm closer
to little Gretel than you are.

Gretel never said that.

Aren't we defensive.

There's nothing wrong
with being just a pretty face.

In fact, it's a plus
if you have no skills.

I've got skills.

Nanny Fine

identifying what's in the Godivas
without a guide is not a skill.

Oh, nugget.

Come on, you must know the only reason
you got this job is because of your looks.

Hey, hey, that is not true.

I got this job
because I lied on my resume.

Men of Maxwell's class enjoy keeping
women like you around to flirt with.

Well, you know, you're right.

Now, that's bad because....?

He doesn't respect you.

Don't you know why you get away
with m*rder?

It's because of those skimpy little
outfits you bounce around in.

It's offensive.

But just out of curiosity,
say you were being sued for...

oh, choking a choreographer.

What would you wear to court?

Oh, Maxwell,
what an ordeal this flight was.

I can't imagine anything more terrifying.

Booga. Booga. Booga.

C. C., I do hope Chester
wasn't too traumatized by his trip.

Although, he didn't seem to mind
being in his little travel bag.

Forgot to unpack him, didn't you?

No.

Angelica, you know that suitcase
in my closet that you said was growling

and I called you an insane old witch?

Niles. Niles, I want you to order some
flowers for Ms. Fine.

Make it two dozen Sterling roses,
long-stemmed.

Somebody was so very bad.

- What did you do? Shall I close the door?
- Yes.

Just make sure
you're on the other side of it.

Come on, sir, the little crumbs
you throw me, I live on.

I have to make up for something
I said to Ms. Fine on the airplane.

- What did you say?
- None of your bloody business.

Was it about me?

- No.
- Fine.

I'll find out anyway. I always do.

Oh, Ms. Fine, please do come in.

Oh, if you're gonna smoke a cigar,
please let me snip the end off.

In an odd way,
I feel it'll make me feel better.

Now, I wanna ask you something
that's very important but it's private.

So give me this lemon a minute.

[NILES] Ow!

Mr. Sheffield...

Ms. Fine, what are you doing over there?
Come on, come and sit on my desk.

Annoy me. It'll be just like old times.

You mean BT? Before the thing?

Ms. Fine, how long
are you going to t*rture me with this?

I'm not gonna t*rture you about it.

That's why I came in here to tell you
that I'm over it.

- Oh, really?
- No, took it back. How's it feel?

Please, Ms. Fine,
Cats is opening in 14 new cities.

I don't feel very strong right now.

All right, let me ask you
this one question.

When you hired me,
did you think I was just attractive?

Absolutely not.

I thought you beautiful,
stunning, drop-dead gorgeous.

How dare you?

Why do you keep trying to hurt me
like this?

[NILES] It got quiet. Are
they talking about me?

Oh, I can't believe
I'm back in the meat market again.

It's so sad.

I mean, the best years of my life
and I spend 90 percent of them with...

With a guy who kisses you passionately
and takes it back.

Asks to marry you, takes it back.

- Tells you he loves you, takes it...
- I was gonna say talking with you, Val.

But thanks for the post-game wrap up.

You know, the reason
why he keeps taking it back is

because I'm nothing
but a pretty play thing to him.

I mean, he doesn't take me seriously.

Can I have a double apricot sour
rimmer with Sweet'N Low.

Come on, let's go get a table before
some other yutz tries to pick me up.

Yeah.

Too late, ladies.

Hi. I'm Jack.
Would you mind if I bought you a drink?

Do you mind?
We really wanna be alone?

Yeah.

What is it with guys?

Why do they always think just
because you're at a singles bar

in a cute top, a tight skirt and stiletto
heels, you're looking for action?

Well, why do women think that guys
expect them to jump into bed

every time they try and buy them a drink.

Now, potato skins, I get you both.

- I don't think so.
- Speak for yourself.

I haven't had a potato skin
in three years.

No, seriously,
you sound like a very nice woman.

And looks really don't matter to me.

Yeah, right.

You're only interested in me for my mind.

Like I haven't heard that be....
Actually, I've never heard that.

I ordered a drink about 10 minutes ago.
Bartender.

It's sitting right in front of you.
What are you blind?

Yes.

A sympathy pick-up?

Pretending to be blind so that you could
take home a couple of college girls?

College girls.

- Forgive me, I'm very sorry.
- Val, get a table. This could work.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, watch it. Watch it.

Yes, I'd like to order a pair
of the diamond earrings on page 12.

What are you doing, sir?

You know, for someone
who's never bloody around

when there's no toilet paper,
you're certainly under foot enough.

Just ordering something for Ms. Fine.

I really don't think that will make up
for what you said.

Oh, for God sakes, all I said was...

- Nice try.
- Oh, come on, sir, this is cruel.

Have you no soul?

There is a mean streak in you
that is less than beguiling.

He told me what he said to you.
Are you all right?

He told you?

Well, I just think that it's pretentious
to get a butler from France.

And what's gonna happen to you?

I mean, who has money
for a butler these days?

- Hello, hello.
- Oh, here, let me get that for you, ma'am.

What a smashing suit. You look tired.
May I draw you a foot bath.

You know what? I can't do this.
Why don't you just sh**t me?

Nanny Fine.

Oh, I wish you could have been there
with the little one along.

I'm more accessible.

People think I have a soft, caring side
and then I've got them.

Oh, Fran, I never should have said
I'd do my report on her.

How can I take it back?

Oh, ask your father.
He's the expert in that category.

Oh, hi, Jack. Come on in.

Did you have any trouble
finding the place?

No more than usual.

- Hi, handsome boy.
- Oh, thank you very much.

I wasn't quite sure about the suit.

It is a suit, isn't it?

- Come on in. Watch your step.
- All right.

You know what?
Maybe I should stay with you.

- I wouldn't want to break anything.
- Don't be ridiculous.

You're not gonna break anything.

- Oh, Franny, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.

Accidents happen.

Oh, my God, Ms. Fine.

What is this mess?

Oh, excuse me.
I had no idea you had a date.

I knew. How does it feel
to be out of the loop?

- How do you do? I'm Maxwell Sheffield.
- Hi, I'm Jack.

You certainly bounced
back awfully quickly.

Do you mind if we discuss this later?

Fine. What time do you think
you'll be home?

Well, I think you lost the right to
know that when you took back the thing.

Why are you always doing this to me?
You give me such mixed messages.

I'm going nuts. Leave me alone.

- How do you do? I'm Niles.
- Hi.

Do you know what's going on
between her and this guy?

Why? What have you heard?

Jack, you know, you are so well-adjusted.

I mean, you have your own law firm
and you sculpt and you sky dive.

No, I had to give that up.

- Why?
- The dog kept throwing up.

I'm damn glad I met you.

I mean, it's so nice to meet a guy that
appreciates you for your inner self

and not just for the way you look.

A '90s Jacqueline Smith.

Well, it really doesn't matter to me.
You can weigh a ton.

I can't see you, Fran.

You know, Mr. Sheffield
just thinks of me as an object.

I know. He's only attracted to you
because of how you look

and it really bugs you.

You know, I think you're just going out
with a guy who can't see

because you think you
have something to prove.

- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.

You're so hung up on this guy

you've mentioned his name 35 times
in the last half hour.

It's just that me and Mr. Sheffield...

Thirty-six.

You know, I really think
that you should try and convince him

that you're more than
just a '90s Kate Smith.

You know, I think that you should know
someone a little better

before you start pegging them
with such deadly accuracy.

Oh, Jack, I'm so sorry.
I really am using you.

- How can I ever make it up to you?
- It's okay.

Forget about it.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Maybe I can even talk you into
a plate of potato skins.

You know, for your information, I am
giving you such a dirty look right now.

Oh, my.

- It's a bally. Here you go kids.
- Fran, no. Don't throw the ball!

Fran, you're taking this pretty well.

Being dumped by a blind guy.

Ma, don't you see,
he has no idea what I look like.

He dumped me for who I really am.

Oh, it's Pauly, the butcher.

Hi, Pauly.

Oh, is that a new apron?

It makes you look so scwelt.

I put an extra breast in.

Not that you need any help
in that department.

Oh, you're terrible.

Ma, now I know why all the other kids
were bringing Fluffernutters to school

while I was bringing veal
medallions on Wonder Bread.

You know, Ma, when you flirt
and use your looks like that

men do not respect you.

What's with the women's lib
all of a sudden?

When did you become Gloria Estefan?

That's Gloria Steinbrenner, Ma.

There is nothing wrong with a woman
using her God-given gifts.

Well, apparently, there is

because Mr. Sheffield thinks
that he can say he loves me...

He said he loved you?
Oh, that wonderful man.

He took it back.

I'll call Yetta. She'll
put a curse on him.

Don't call Yetta, Ma.
I already left a message on her machine.

- So why did he take it back?
- Because he doesn't respect me.

To him I'm just another pretty face.

Darling, that is crap.

Ma, you don't know
what you're talking about. Just drop it.

He took it back
because he's a basket case.

All right, pick it up.

We don't have the market on guilt,
you know.

Guilt over the late wife,
guilt over the kids.

Guilt over marrying out of his class.

Ma, you know, I think you're right.
It isn't me. It's him.

I never realized how tortured
and unhappy he is.

Oh, this makes me feel so much better.

- It's the cable man.
- Ma.

This one's on me.

You want free Cinemax?

Oh, here you are.

Why don't you come inside? We're about
to watch Twister on the Movie Channel.

- We don't get that.
- We do now.

Listen, I've been thinking
about what happened and...

I understand.

You do?

You're emotionally fucocked.

Well, that's a little harsh, Ms. Fine.

Just a little fordray.

Maybe famished.

All I'm saying is that you are afraid
of your feelings

so you just relate to me superficially.

I mean, we flirt, we play games.
I prance around in short skirts.

- You let me get away with anything.
- What?

You get into more trouble
than the children, Ms. Fine.

I punished you just last week.

Oh, yeah.

That was when you made me
take those shoes back

that I said I bought for Maggie.

Right.

Just like those, only a different color.

Yeah.

In fact, you know, Ms. Fine,
you're right.

I am afraid. That's why I took it back.

I know.

I've only really been in love once in my
life before and when my wife d*ed, I....

Well, I'm just afraid
of going through all that pain again.

I mean, what if it didn't work out
between us?

What about the children?

Well, it would be hard at first but we'd
let you come visit us on weekends.

Oh, Ms. Fine, what if something
happened between us?

It could ruin everything we have.

Or it could add a whole another dimension

that wouldn't be entirely
unpleasant or it could ruin it.

It's happened before.

So we agree then.

- Friends?
- Friends.

- Friends.
- Friends.

- So why did he take it back?
- Because he doesn't respect me.

He....

We we don't have the....

And I just popped another piece of cake
in my mouth.

What's wrong with me?

- It's the cable man.
- Ma.

This one's on me.
Want some free Cinemax?

Who are these people?