01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Huh? Amazing, right?

Yeah.

Bathroom.

Bedrooms.

Nice.

Views of other bedrooms and bathrooms.

I really appreciate you letting me crash here, bud.

Are you kidding? You're doing us a favor.

No flush Tony just moved out last week.

You're sure this isn't a problem?

Seriously, the best day of my life was when I heard you got traded to the rangers.

You're family. My place is your place, man.

Technically, it's my place.

Okay, and next time I say, "hey, let me help you with that," let's try "no thanks, I got it."

You look like an eater.

So, just so we're clear, the left side of the fridge is mine.

( Knocks on door )

I got it. Tucker, come on.

My brother and my best friend--

It's never gonna get any better than this.

The three of us together, there's nothing that's gonna stop us.

Except for maybe that.

There's a baby on my doormat.

♪ it's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

Where did it come from?

Danny: I don't know.

But whoever left it, they couldn't have gotten far.

Stay there, baby.

Make sure she stays there!

I'm just saying, for a woman who just had a baby, she moves remarkably fast.

How could she just leave her here?

Ben, you gotta calm down, okay?

I'm sure she's not even your baby.

Not so much, no.

And I've only been in town an hour.

I mean, I'm fast, but...

I'm not that fast.

This is not my baby.

Wait, wait, wait!

Guys, we got a note.

Her name's Emma.

I don't know any Emmas.

The baby's name is Emma.

Hi, Emma.

Hey, Ben. Did I ever tell you about that hot waitress I went out with named Emma?

Danny, focus!

The mother.

Oh, yeah.

Who's the mother?

Sorry, um, Angela.

Ben and Tucker: Angela!

Of course.

That's right.

Who is Angela?

She was nice. Actress.

That girl was crazy.

Does it say anything else?

Uh, she's sorry.

She didn't know what else to do.

And she just needs a little time.

Time? How much time?!

( Knocks on door )

And that would be the perfect amount of time.

Oh.

That's Riley.

I gave her a call while you were outside.

Riley?

Fatpants Perrin?

What's she doing here?

You have a friend named Fatpants?

Oh, I'm definitely marking my food.

No.

Riley's in law school now.

It took her a while.

I guess the LSAT's kind of tricky, but trust me, she will know what to do.

Ri-Gantor?

Ben-wetter!

Look at you.

You look amazing.

How did that happen?

I may have lost a pound or two.

Hundred.

You sat on my head and gave me a concussion, remember?

Tuck, Riley. Riley, Tucker.

Hi.

Riley grew up across the street from us and used to kick the crap out of Ben every day of his life.

Oh, and congrats on the law school thing.

Thanks.

Don't worry--I know a bunch of people that had a hard time getting in.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Why did you tell him that?

( Baby cries )

I didn't do anything.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey, it's okay, princess.

Aren't you gonna pick her up?

Me?

What, you guys see breasts and instantly think mommy?

( Chuckling )

Okay, fine.

Hi.

Okay.

Come here, angel.

Oh.

( Chuckles )

Hi.

Believe me, I know how scary it is to wake up in a strange place.

I'm just making conversation.

Are you hungry?

I bet you're hungry, huh?

Let's see what you got--

Is this all you brought with you?

Oh, well, that's okay.

We'll just send one of these boys out for provisions and--

Oh...

I think somebody needs her diaper changed.

I'll go to the store.

Yeah, I'm going, too.

No.

( Grunts )

Boys are so stupid, aren't they?

Yes, they are.

They're so stupid.

Yes, they are.

All right, so then you just stick the tabs down, and voila, she's good to go.

Oh.

Hold her while I get her bottle ready, would you?

Uh, me?

I'm not really a baby person.

Hold her.

( Murmurs )

Whee!

Isn't this fun?

There you go.

All right.

Want to maybe, uh, take a step over here?

Is she okay?

Uh-huh.

Have a seat.

Oh.

Nice and easy.

Ah.

Is she having fun?

Yeah.

You guys look comfy.

I can't believe this is happening.

I'm not ready to be a dad.

What if Angela never comes back?

Oh, my God, taste this.

Yo.

Chicken, carrots, and pasta.

Okay?

All in this little jar.

( Laughs )

It's like, gross, yet oddly delicious.

( Mouths word )

Come on, man. It's gonna be okay.

How do you know?

I don't, but it's all I got.

Excuse me, how old is your baby?

Oh, um...

That's a good question.

I met Angela at that party in the village...

Mm.

And we dated for maybe six weeks before we were...

Intimate.

And she broke up with me pretty much right after that.

I'm sure there was no correlation.

So, we're into August now, and they take, like, nine months once they're up and running.

I think so.

So...

( Sighs )

Three months.

Three months!

My baby's three months old.

Mm-mm.

Put this back.

What?

She ain't got no teeth.

Put it back.

( Softly murmurs )

So, the first thing Ben has to do is take a paternity test.

( Mouths words )

I mean, though it's pretty obvious she's his.

Same smile, same ears, same little sparkly fleck of yellow in the iris.

What?

Do I have something in my nose?

I know you guys think that's funny, but it's not.

You like Ben.

( Scoffs ) What?

No, that's insane.

I've tormented the guy every day of my life.

Holy crap!

You really do like Ben.

We're back.

Hey. Ben, you're not gonna believe what Riley was just--

Aah!

How'd it go?

You guys left and I realized I should have given you a list.

Why? I mean, everyone knows you're not supposed to give a baby solid food until it's at least four months old and sitting up on its own.

That woman was mean.

I think we're all done here.

Oh, all right.

Just one good belch and she's done.

I think you can handle this part.

What, me? Right now? Are you sure?

Hey, Tucker?

Oh, okay.

Great. Danny?

Yeah?

You're in charge.

Wait.

You're not leaving, are you?

Yes.

No, I'll be good. I promise.

I showed you how to do everything.

Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention.

You can't go.

Ben, tell Riley she can't go.

You can't go.

Bye.

Ooh, wow, Ben.

I never noticed how sparkly your eyes are.

Please, Riley.

We'll never make it through the night without you.

( Mouths words )

Fine.

I'll stay.

( Sighs )

( Baby spits up )

See? That's what I'm talking about.

( Chuckles )

Right? Hey, she didn't spit up on my shirt though, did she?

No, looks good.

No, no, you're great.

Brand new, bud.

Good. All right.

I should be back by five.

Wait. Where are you going?

Uh, work. I got a shift.

Wait, you couldn't get anyone to cover for you?

Oh, see, that would have been a good idea.

Too late now.

No, wait, bro.

Tuck and I are not watching your kid.

Yeah. ( Chuckles ) The big guy's right.

I mean, there is no--

Hey!

Thanks, man. See you!

How does this keep happening to me?

Whoa.

( Chuckles )

Oh.

Wow. Very impressive.

And who said you had no discernable skills?

I think that was you.

( Sighs ) Riley, what am I supposed to do?

Well, there's not really that much we can do until Angela comes back.

But I think we should probably talk about the elephant in the room.

Which for once isn't me.

( Chuckles )

How much do you want to be involved?

I don't know what I want.

Last year, I was doing construction.

Before that, I was waiting tables.

Now I'm flipping bottles.

I haven't figured my life out yet.

I'm not you.

What does that mean?

Oh! ( Scoffs ) Come on.

College, law school, this...

Transformation.

You see what you want and you go for it.

Yeah.

Not always.

Oh!

Ice down my bra.

( Sighs )

Hey.

( Cell phone beeps )

I'm really sorry I sat on your head all those times.

Angela's back.

I'm on break, man.

I'm sorry I sat on your head.

Smooth move, Fatpants.

( Quietly ) Yes.

Where is she? Where's Angela?

First of all, she woke up the baby.

Second, she wanted me to give you that envelope.

You let her leave?

What's the matter with you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

My bad, but I was a little preoccupied raising your child.

Read it. I think you'll be happy.

They're adoption papers.

She's putting Emma up for adoption and she needs me to relinquish my rights.

If I sign this, I'm not a father anymore.

Amazing, right?

Well, see, I'm not the only one who's excited.

Yay! Whoo!

So, I sign this and Emma has a new daddy?

Pretty much.

The letter says they already have a family lined up.

( Knocks on door )

If I do this, if I let her go, I don't want to hear about it.

I never want to talk about it again, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Where is my precious little grandbaby?

Mom, what are you doing here?

I'm a grandma! ( Laughs )

Hey, ma.

Aah!

What is she doing here?

Did you tell her?

I didn't even tell her I was here.

Oh, I'll get to you.

Oh.

Hi.

Oh, she is just a big ol' pile of love.

Yeah, I really don't think that's love that you're smelling.

Okay, who wants to explain to me why I had to hear that I was a grandma while I was getting my nails done?

That Jennifer Perrin couldn't wait to let me have it.

Ever since that Fatpants daughter of hers got into law school she's just--

Hi, Riley.

I didn't see you there.

You're so thin now, you should wear a bell.

Oh.

Is this duct tape?

We were having a closure issue.

Oh, what, you couldn't find a stapler?

Honestly.

I can't sign those papers now.

It's not gonna happen.

Hey, don't worry about mom.

You gotta do what you think is right.

I'll totally back you up.

What papers?

You're on your own, bro.

( Sighs )

Mom...

I have some news.

Yeah. You knocked up some girl because you couldn't figure out the basics of birth control.

We're past that, honey, okay?

( Sighs )

Mrs. Wheeler?

Bonnie.

Really?

Mrs. Wheeler.

Emma's mom wants to put Emma up for adoption and for Ben to sign away his rights.

Really?

So you're-- you're thinking about giving up this little girl?

Yeah, I was thinking about it.

Oh, good.

( Sighing and laughing )

Good-- what do you mean, good?

Oh, Ben, honey.

You can't begin to understand the kind of sacrifice it takes to be a parent.

When I married your father, and I had you two, I had to put my dreams on hold.

What dreams?

Being single and childless.

Ben...

Honey, I love you, but you can't raise this little girl.

You haven't even finished raising yourself.

You can't cook, you're barely paying your bills...

Honey, I still buy your pants.

This baby needs a grown-up.

You gotta sign those papers.

9 am.

She'll be ready.

( Phone beeps )

Done.

Somebody from the adoption agency will be here first thing in the morning.

You okay?

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Ben, if you don't want to do this, man--

It doesn't matter.

Mom was right.

I couldn't raise this baby even if I wanted to.

Bro, it's going to be okay.

It happened, you dealt with it, and now, like you said, we're never talking about this again.

I could have been a model.

But you've seen your uncle Danny.

Yeah.

No body could recover from that.

He was so big, I had to have a "c," "d," and "e" section.

No, don't. I swear to God.

Okay. Okay.

No, I will hurt you.

Okay.

So...

Did you always like Ben?

Oh, my God, you're obsessed.

( Laughing )

I don't know. Kind of.

Guess I always thought maybe someday, but back then I just figured I was too fat, or too-- loud, or too hairy, or--

Okay, we're not making a list.

Well, you've grown to be a beautiful and successful woman-- I think you can safely move on from Ben Wheeler.

Why would I want to do that?

Uh, did you miss the part in the story about the baby?

The baby he doesn't want to give up?

If that's true, then why did he make that call?

Because his entire family is telling him he can't do it.

If nobody believes in him, how can he believe in himself?

He can't do it alone.

You don't know that.

( Cell phone beeps )

Oh, it's Ben.

Your mom's about to leave him alone with the baby.

You're going?

"Alone" is in all caps.

Ow! Ow!

What was that for?

For making me talk about my feelings.

You know I hate that.

And go easy on your brother, okay?

He looks up to you.

In his eyes, you have everything.

Not everything.

( Bell dings )

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait.

Oh, my God.

You-- you gotta give me a minute.

( Panting )

Maybe now I know why I was traded.

You were right.

I didn't believe in him.

I didn't think he could do it.

So why are you telling me?

Because...

If you go in there and help him, he'll never believe in himself, either.

Riley, Riley, Riley, Riley, please?

She's hungry, or thirsty, or tired.

I don't know, I don't speak baby.

( Elevator dings )

Tuck.

What is going on?

Vanessa and I were at the movies when Ben called and said Emma's having some kind of meltdown.

I don't think Emma's the problem.

Tucker, I swear if you're not home in two seconds...

I'm gonna eat all your food.

Tucker?! ( Groans )

( Cell phone ringing )

Okay!

Turn it off!

( Cell phone continues ringing )

( Emma murmurs )

Okay.

So, it looks like it's just gonna be you and me, huh?

Guess we're really gonna do this thing.

Okay.

Okay, Emma, hi.

Hi, baby.

Come on, it's okay.

Please don't break, please don't break, please don't break.

Okay.

Okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

( Emma cries )

It's okay.

It's okay, Emma.

Daddy's here.

It's okay.

( Yelps )

( Emma cries )

Aah.

It's okay.

I'm telling you, there is no way.

Bodily functions make him queasy.

He can do it.

Where's your faith, man.

See?

Here you go.

There.

Okay.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Emma?

( Sighs )

Please eat.

Come on, Emma.

Look, look, Emma, it's good.

It's good.

Mmm.

Oh, total lie.

It's actually quite disgusting.

No wonder you don't want to eat.

Please eat.

Come on, Emma. Just a sip, okay?

( Fusses )

Come on.

Okay, come on.

( Crying )

Come on, you have to eat.

I'm begging you.

Come--

( fusses )

( Murmuring )

What?

You like that?

Look what daddy can do.

Huh?

I do this at work every day.

Huh?

You want some now?

You want some?

Here it comes.

Here it comes, baby.

( Laughs )

Oh, my God, you're eating.

Thank you so much.

( Cries )

Holy crap, now I'm crying.

( Chuckles )

Crap. Don't say crap.

Don't use swear words. ( Laughs )

Oh, I can't believe you're eating.

( Chuckles )

You're so cute.

Hey, wake up.

Dude, you're drooling on me.

Oh.

Ahh...

Boo!

Ooh.

( Ben mimicking monkey )

Hey.

Hey. You okay?

Yeah.

I think I want to do this.

I can't let her go.

I love her.

Did you guys hear me?

Yeah.

Yeah, we heard you.

You should probably call the agency.

It's almost 7:00.

Come on, mi amor.

Here we go.

Ooh, somebody could use a bath.

Oh. You both could.

I'm gonna go get a bottle ready.

But I want to give it to her, okay?

We're really gonna have to get on some kind of schedule though.

For real.

What do you mean?

Well, we have a baby now so I mean, we kind of have to be adults.

Ben: Okay. I'll do the shopping.

Tucker: Okay, but let's talk about...