01x02 - I Told You So

[bunniefuu]

That's disgusting.

Want some?

Hit me.

See?

Constantly learning something new.

Today's lesson: Always get dressed for work after you give the baby a bath.

Say good morning to Tucker and your Uncle Danny.

Hi, baby.

( Babbles )

Okay, so I think we're officially out of everything with the word "baby" in it.

Where's the list?

What list?

The one we should have started before we ran out of everything.

Why can't you just ask your mom to go pick up some stuff?

Oh, no no no no no.

There will be no asking the mom anything.

She already thinks I'm making a huge mistake, that I'm too irresponsible.

So I'd like to get a handle on this before she hits me with a giant "I told you so."

Then get ready to be smacked, because I'm pretty sure she's on her way over.

What? Here, now? Why do you think that?

Because when I told her you decided to keep Emma, all I heard was "Oh, dear lord," the phone hit the floor and tires squealing, so I kind of put two and two together.

Okay. Uh, we gotta clean up.

No, change the baby.

No, I just did that. A schedule.

She's crazy about having a plan.

Okay, I've got a day shift, so I can be home by 6:00.

Sorry, but I'm heading down to the rink.

And it's emasculation Saturday with Vanessa.

I think we're sham shopping.

I want to show her I can be a good dad.

Where's Emma?

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Emma? Emma?

Baby baby baby.

Where's the baby? Where's the baby?

Emma?

Emma? Found her!

Under the table. Wait, here is my retainer.

I have been looking everywhere for this.

Okay.

Be careful. Grab this end.

All right? On three.

One, two, three.

( Grunting )

It's okay.

Knock knock, child services.

Yeah, you really should get used to hearing that.

Just playing a little hide and seek. ( Chuckles )

Oh, there you are, Emma.

You're such a good hider.

Honey, she's not hiding, she's trying to escape.

But don't you worry, little Emma.

Your fairy grandmother is here to save you.

Emma doesn't need to be saved.

I've got this under control.

Once again, it's going to be up to me to bail you out.

At least this time, I don't have to fly to Mexico.

That was a good trip.

You know I hate to say "I told you so," but--

Mom, there is gonna be no "I told you so" this time.

You know, unless it's me saying it to you.

So you're telling me you've worked out a plan to take care of this baby.

( Scoffs ) Yeah.

I was just working it out with the guys.

Bonnie: Oh. - Just give me a second.

Please help me.

( Whispering )

Fine. I've got her this morning.

And I am taking her out this afternoon.

And I've got her tonight, which is what we like to call a plan!

Yeah, hold up there, chip and Dale.

Just so you know, if anything happens to my granddaughter, you're both dead men.

Which is what I like to call a thr*at.

All right, Emma.

I think we've got everything.

Do I really need to take all the baby stuff?

Dude, you're gonna be gone for four or five hours.

Just take a diaper and a bottle.

( Chuckles )

( Cell phone ringing )

( Beeps )

Hey, man, what's going on?

This plan is not working.

I'm out of food, her diaper's history, and the new one's gonna blow any minute.

And apparently there's some new rule about bringing babies into the locker room.

Hey, buddy, why don't you put a towel on or something?

I got a baby over here.

Rude! You gotta get over here, now.

I-- I can't right now.

Okay, hang on one second.

What? Okay. I'm on my way. Okay?

( Scoffs )

Why is it always up to Tucker to save the day? ( Chuckles )

( Cell phone rings )

Hey, Tuck, what's going on?

I cannot do this, okay?

I've got a lap full of pee, and it isn't even mine.

Hey! I could really use a diaper out here and I know one of y'all is holding.

$20 for a diaper, miss. Please? Baby or senior, at this point, it really don't matter. Where you going?

I'm sorry. I came as soon as I got your message.

Is everything okay?

Ben: Yeah, she's fine.

Though I should remind you, complete stranger, that we're not a daycare center.

( Whispers ) I'm five minutes away from getting fired if anyone finds out she's really my baby.

I've been telling my boss the mom's outside smoking for the last hour.

Double Margarita, rocks.

So, apparently, I'm a bad mom with a drinking problem.

What the hell.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I just have to get this right.

Don't worry, Emma. Daddy will figure this out.

And he'll be right back. Can you watch Emma for a sec?

Wow. Wouldn't have pegged her for a parenting expert.

Please? Her name's Chloe.

She comes in every Saturday for crab cakes.

And if you've ever had ours, you'd know that's not why she's really here. ( Chuckles )

Oh, crapballs.

Hey, Benji.

Hey.

Has anyone seen Emma?

( Gasps ) Oh, there she is.

Oh, wow, you're right. She really is a good hider.

Mom.

I guess I missed out on the part of the plan where she hangs out with the bar snacks.

Oh, no, there's a baby in my beer nuts.

Something came up, okay?

But like any good plan, I had a plan B, also known as Riley.

Words every girl just lives to hear.

So as you can see, we've got this all under control.

Did you want something?

Yeah, I actually wanted to talk about that sweet little angel's future.

I was thinking about redoing my will-- you know, setting up a college savings account.

You know, you really can't be too proactive.

Actually I've been taking this estate planning class--

Oh my God.

I just had an amazing idea.

That Riley should help you with your estate planning, thus saving you money and giving her some real world experience?

That is an amazing idea.

Why don't you two discuss that while I go on break?

I actually was gonna say, "Why don't we order some fried things?"

But I like his idea better.

Gonna finish that?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, she's out.

( Sighs ) There's nothing cuter than a sleeping baby.

Yeah, it's when they're awake you gotta watch your back.

Yeah, they suck you in with their cuteness and then once they got you-- bam!

--Fluids are flying everywhere.

Oh. I'm so glad you're all here.

Uh, this is perfect.

So a little change of plans.

I know it was my turn with Emma tonight, but crab cake Chloe just invited me over to get to know each other a little better, if you know what I mean.

Well, you're on your own tonight.

Tough break, dad.

I hope she likes kids.

So obviously you don't know what I mean.

Wait, where are you going?

Did you all miss the part where she said she wants to get to know me better?

No. But you obviously missed the part where we don't care.

And also the part where I had to throw out my pants.

Please, guys?

I'll be quick. Well, not that quick.

Well, if someone hadn't already committed me to a fun-filled evening of helping his mother with her will...

Sorry about that.

So probably not a good time to ask for another favor.

But if you could try to wedge in a word or two about how great I'm doing with Emma, you know, how responsible I am?

So you want me to lie?

Look, you're right.

I said I'll figure this out and I will.

I promise.

Good man.

( Elevator dings )

But you two, not so fast.

You just said you were gonna figure it out.

And that's what I'm doing.

Come on, guys. I've been working on Chloe for, like, five weeks.

Okay, look, you can probably tell from the extra hair product and the fact that the big guy showered, that we have plans.

Sorry, little bro.

Work this one out on your own.

I can't believe you're gonna make me do it.

I'm invoking the bro code.

Are you serious?

June 21st, 2010, who covered for you when Vanessa caught you flirting with that unnaturally enhanced waitress, huh?

Senior year, who told Jessica Feltshank that you were sick in bed when, in fact, you were having carnal knowledge of her sister in our tree house?

Answer to both? I did.

Fine. Just go.

Yes! Don't wait up.

And remember, she needs a second bottle around 10:00.

I hate that code.

I loved that tree house.

Oh, do you just believe that after all these years we would be here together?

Yep. Life is... ♪ funny. ♪

So if you have all the info, we should be able--

Oh, here.

I like to stay organized, so I keep all my important papers together.

Oh, honestly, Riley, where did I go wrong?

Wow, so many ways to go with that.

I meant with Ben.

Well, I think he turned out all right.

In fact, he's one of the most responsible young men I've ever met.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I didn't know we were drinking before this meeting.

Well, he is sitting at home on a Saturday night taking care of his daughter.

That sounds awfully responsible to me.

Hi.

For you, and I'm pretty sure it's good because it's from a place I can't pronounce and it has a cork.

Nice. I'll get some glasses.

All right.

Make yourself comfortable.

Wow, your place is really...

Efficient.

So is there a separate...

Sleeping area?

The futon flips out into a bed.

I hope you didn't think I was too forward by asking you to come over.

Forward is my favorite direction.

So many guys get the wrong idea.

They just automatically assume you want to hook up.

It's so nice to finally meet a guy who's not like that.

See, the trouble with Ben is, he's exactly like his father, Danny Sr.

( Groans ) Now there was a man who was clinically allergic to responsibility.

I liked Mr. Wheeler.

God, he always put on the best 4th of July fireworks displays.

He has no eyebrows, and only four fingers on his right hand.

I was lucky he could sign the divorce papers.

( Sighs )

But with a father like that, it meant that I had to be the responsible parent.

The role model.

Who's Larry Hoffman?

What? Why? No, I've never heard of--

No no no, give me that.

( Chuckling )

Give it, give it, give it!

That's funny that you don't know him, because it says here that you two were married in Vegas when you were 18.

I really am sorry about your futon.

I certainly don't want you to get the impression that I'm one of those guys.

My only impression so far is that you're a horrible liar.

Which, if you think about it is a good thing.

Huh?

I mean, who'd want to go out with a good liar?

( Chuckles ) Not me.

Definitely something for the plus column.

Well, if there's anything I can do to help that total--

There might be one or two things.

That's not your baby, is it?

What? Oh God, no. Could you imagine?

sh**t me. ( Chuckles )

It's my sister's.

Why?

Oh, no reason.

She's cute.

( Chuckles )

Good night, Emma.

Hey, Tuck, I was thinking.

There's really no reason we both need to stay in tonight, so I'm out of here.

So I divorced Larry, I rushed home and I married Danny Sr, which is what I should have done in the first place.

So, oddly, if this hadn't happened, your two greatest accomplishments never would have been created.

How did you know about my tattoos?

I'm talking about Danny and Ben.

Your sons never would have been born.

That's a really good point, but maybe next time you could try it without the sledgehammer.

Even I can tell that you're being especially hard on Ben lately.

I mean, I know he'd hate me for telling you this, but he could really use your help.

Well, I am trying to.

He won't let me.

Maybe because it's not worth the "I told you so" that always comes with it.

Well, I'm a mother. It's a package deal.

Well, you didn't get to be a mom without making a few mistakes, Mrs. Hoffman.

So, maybe if you could admit that you weren't always so perfect Ben could admit that he needs help.

You're just not gonna let it go, are you?

Not until you go talk to him.

He needs you.

Thanks, Riley.

You know, you've turned out to be a pretty smart young lady.

I think you might just make a go of this.

Being a lawyer?

No, keeping the weight off.

You barely touched the cheese board.

Ben honey, we need to talk.

Ben?

Oh hey, princess.

Oh, you're taking a nap.

Hey, big guy, there's really no reason we both need to stay in tonight, right?

So, um, see you!

Hello?

Is anyone here?

Ben?

Danny? The other one?

Oh, this is gonna be the mother of all "I told you so"s.

Is everything okay?

I can't stop thinking about Emma.

Of course.

Married, gay, commitment issues-- it's always something.

No no, it's not that.

Emma's my daughter. I have a daughter.

She was that little girl at the bar today.

Look, I know I should have told you.

I guess I was just afraid that I wouldn't be here doing this with you now if I had.

Hey, it's okay.

It's actually another thing for the plus column.

Really?

Really.

Do you want to see her picture?

Sure.

( Chuckles )

I think she rolled over for the first time this morning.

( Chuckles )

You know, maybe I'll call and check in and then I'll be fine.

( Rings )

( Dance music playing )

Danny, where are you?

Hey, man. I just met a couple of my new teammates out for a drink.

Ben: Where's Emma?

Oh, she's totally conked out. Tucker has it covered.

( Laughs )

I thought you were--

Never mind. Two seconds.

Hey, Tuck, I was just--

( bowling pins clatter ) - Are you bowling?

Where's Emma?!

Oh. I gotta go.

( Beeps )

Emma, it's okay, daddy's here.

Oh my God, Emma, where are you?

Oh my God. No no no. This can't be happening.

Oh my God.

Looking for someone?

Emma. Thank God you're okay.

I am so so sorry. ( Sighs )

I thought I might never see you again.

I never want you out of my sight, ever. Okay?

I'm the worst father in the world.

Riley, can you take Emma?

Come here, baby.

I'm ready. Let me have it.

But just know that nothing you can say to me can be any worse than what I'm already saying to myself.

Actually, Ben.

All I wanted to say is that I'm proud of you.

( Sniffles )

Did you miss the part where my baby got left alone?

I once left Danny at a Wal-Mart when he was two.

What happened?

He was never seen again.

( Mouths )

My point-- I made mistakes.

But that feeling?

That gut-wrenching, heart-stopping, if-anything- happens-to-my-child-

I-think-I-will-die feeling-- what you just had-- that?

That is what let's you know that you're a parent.

And, honey, I guarantee that you will do anything to make sure that you never feel that again.

So congratulations, now you're a dad.

And I think you're gonna be a pretty great one.

But I don't know what I'm doing.

I know I said I got this, but I just so don't got this.

Emma!

Well, if it isn't-- me standing here, talking to myself.

Is she all right?

She's got three boys fawning over her.

Works for most girls.

Emma, I am so sorry.

This will never happen again.

Ben: Guys, it's all right.

We all make mistakes.

But I think we could definitely use some help.

I need you, mom.

Wait for it.

I told you so.

Baby's at the ready...

Oh, yeah.

In three, two, one, roll!

Come on, Emma, come here!

Roll!

Come on, Emma. Roll to daddy.

Roll roll roll.

Dan: This way, lead with your head.

( All chattering )

All: Oh!

Are you kidding? Emma.

Oh.

Double or nothing?

You're on.

( Laughing )

Gentlemen, place your bets.

It's time for baby roll.