01x03 - The Nurse and the Curse

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Emma, first doctor's visit.

But have no fear, because daddy's here.

It's all pretty basic.

Paper covered table.

Which is good because you never know where the last baby has been.

( Chuckles )

Oh, look.

Here's where they keep all the free stuff.

( Chuckles )

Tucker?

What?

Hey, don't knock the system, okay?

Why do you think we always have toilet paper and napkins. Right?

( Sighs ) You're gonna get us kicked out before the doctor even--

Oh! Tongue depressors.

Or as I like to call them, kickass drum sticks.

Yup.

( Drumming )

Emma Wheeler?

And her backup band, big finish!

( Chuckles )

Hi, I'm Emma's dad.

Formally known as just "Ben."

( Chuckles )

And I'm Tucker.

We are not together.

Why do you keep telling people that?

Dude, it's New York.

People assume.

Nobody assumes.

I assumed.

We're not together.

I'm Ben Wheeler, Emma's straight and very single father.

That's good to know, Emma's very single father.

( Chuckles )

Oh.

♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

|| So, let's take a look at our little patient here.

She really is adorable.

( Chuckles )

Thanks, I made her myself.

I like to think that she got all of my good parts.

Well, not all of--

( mouths words )

So, why don't you sit up on this table here.

( Quietly ) Okay.

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. Doctor...?

Cassie. I'm a nurse practitioner.

Oh, well then we've got a lot in common because I'm practicing to be a dad. ( Chuckles )

That is not what it means, Ben.

Oh, she likes you.

I guess what they say is true.

What's true?

Pretty girls like to hang out together.

Oh. ( Chuckles )

Okay, well, there are quite a few items you didn't answer on the intake form.

Oh, yeah. Some of those questions were a little tricky.

Date of birth?

Whoa. ( Chuckles )

Straight to the tough ones.

Yeah.

What else you got?

Um...

Mother's history?

Checkered.

Let's just say it's a very complicated story.

She split after a one-night stand and left the baby on the doormat.

It's not really all that complicated.

Thanks, Tucker.

Look, the point is I've only got one girl in my life right now.

So, please just make sure she stays as perfect and healthy as she seems.

Mmm.

Well, she's already got one thing going for her.

She's got you.

( Sighs )

Uh, what's this?

My phone number.

Give me a call sometime, very single Ben.

The doctor will be right in.

Oh, yes! I just got hit on by a hot baby nurse.

( Laughs )

We make a good team.

Yes, we do.

Now shove these down your pants.

I'm so excited.

I can't believe I'm finally gonna get to see you play in a pro game after all these years.

Whereas I have never missed one.

( Chuckles )

Really wish you could have come up to Calgary.

There every week.

Well, I know it was a little traumatic for you, but I for one am very glad you got traded.

Traumatic?

No, players get traded for all kinds of reasons.

I don't care what that reporter said.

What reporter?

Oh.

The one who said the only thing worse than your skating is--

Aah.

All kinds of reasons.

I'm gonna go get something to eat.

Can we please go over the list now?

Everything's got to be perfect.

And it will be, honey.

Mom's got it covered.

You've got my extra long laces from Gordon's? My mouth guard still in the package?

I'm on it.

And you're gonna press my socks?

The iron is already on.

Oh, my God. Did I leave the iron on?

Wow!

I can't believe you're still so superstitious.

Do you remember that rank jersey you used to wear in high school--

Ooh. - ( Gags, coughs )

Oh, my God. That's the one.

( Sighs ) I never washed it.

Never will.

That is the scent of victory.

Well, victory smells like the inside of a dumpster.

A hot, sweaty dumpster that helps my baby win.

Give me that.

( Gags )

I still wear it under my uniform for every game.

It's tight, but it's definitely my good luck charm.

He was wearing this when he won his first championship.

He was only 14.

Oh, dear lord. My eyes are watering.

That bird was already dead, right?

Yes!

No!

Laundry. ( Laughs )

If it's drool, spit-up, or doodie-related, it's your responsibility.

Knock, knock?

Hey.

I was, uh, just having dinner around the corner, and I thought I would see if Ben needed any help getting Emma to bed.

Oh, don't you mean see if Ben needed any help getting himself to bed?

( Mocking ) Oh, you're hilarious.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Where is he?

( Wincing ) He's on a date with Emma's nurse.

Apparently, Emma's not the only one who passed her physical.

Isn't that a conflict of interest?

Only yours.

Oh, come on.

You gotta get over Ben.

( Scoffs ) Please, I am completely over him.

Ben, hi. ( Giggles )

Hey, Riley.

Great news, my date with Cassie was amazing.

Wow.

That is great news.

She's smart, pretty, taught me how to take my own pulse, and Emma loves her.

Ben, Emma loves everyone.

She's like a puppy.

Oh!

Did you miss your Auntie Riley--

( baby crying )

Come on, Emma, let's go finish "The Little Red Riding Hood."

My money's on the wolf.

Tucker's got laundry again?

Yup.

( Laughs ) Sweet.

It's weird, I've never gone out with a girl like Cassie before.

She's educated, she's a professional, she's...

A grown-up.

What?

Let's just say that maybe you're not exactly the best judge of character.

You can get a little distracted by other things.

Like boobs.

( Scoffs )

Okay, that's not-- okay, maybe it's a little true.

Which is why I need you.

You do?

Just have lunch with Cassie and tell me what you think.

You can be totally honest.

Okay, I'd rather not.

( Chuckles )

I mean after you go out with her.

Please? I think this is the kind of girl that I should be dating now that I have Emma.

Fine.

I'll do it.

Thank you.

You're such a great friend.

I hate that word.

Oh, hey, Tuck, I've got a blankie in here that might require a Hazmat suit.

Oh.

Oh, Emma.

How could someone so small smell so bad?

Your cheeseburger, and your 24 fries.

I said 23.

The number has to be the same as my jersey.

Thanks, bro.

( Laughing )

Ben.

Hi.

Hey.

( Chuckles )

Everything you said about Riley was true.

We had such a great time together.

( Laughs )

Can we please do this again soon?

Oh, it's a date.

Oh! Okay. Gotta go.

Talk to you later.

Okay.

So, what'd you think?

Well, you were right.

She's really special.

Yes! I knew it.

And by special, I mean I hate that girl.

She is so going down.

Hey, I need another one.

Morning!

I brought um-- did somebody bake muffins?

Did you make them?

Then who did?

Hi, Riles.

I hope everything is okay.

I kind of had to improvise.

I gotta get to work, but I'll see everyone at Danny's game later, right?

Most definitely.

I miss you already.

Aww.

And here comes my omelet.

I can't believe I know a real professional hockey player.

( Growls, laughs )

( Gasps )

Ooh. Are those donuts?

I love donuts.

I'd live on them if they weren't so...

Fattening. ( Chuckles )

I'm guessing she didn't just stop by on her way into the office?

Well, now that she has the Riley stamp of approval.

I just met the most lovely girl in the hallway.

Oh.

Really, Riley?

Hi, Ma.

I gotta finish getting ready for work.

Are those my socks?

Oh, no, honey. These are mine.

Didn't I tell you? I just got drafted by the rangers. Yes, these are your socks.

Don't do that to me, I'm nervous enough.

Wait, why do I have no ketchup on my eggs?

I always have ketchup on my eggs on game day.

This could have been a disaster.

( Gasps )

Aah.

( Gasps )

Aah, what?

Oh, yeah. What was that?

What was what?

Nothing, honey. Just keep building up your strength.

It looked like a rag to me.

( Grimaces )

Tucker, nobody knows anything about anything.

Do you understand?

Not really.

Oh, is that Ben?

He's calling you to come help with Emma.

"Hey, Tucker!" He's coming!

I don't hear anything.

Just go.

Hey-- hey, Danny!

What do you say we get out of here?

You know, clear your head before the big game.

Good idea. I'll watch Emma.

Go. Now. Why are you still here?

Huh? I'm still eating.

And that is the great thing about bread.

Makes everything a sandwich.

Yay. Yummy.

All right, I will see you tonight at the arena, and there is nothing to worry about here.

Not a thing. So bye-bye, now.

Bye-bye.

Go on, bye-bye.

You sure...

No, no, bye-bye, now!

Bye! Bye!

Okay, wait.

I think I got it.

Do you?

Do you got that you just ended Danny's career because you destroyed his lucky jersey?!

No, I didn't get that part.

Oh!

She's such a phony.

I mean, nobody is that nice.

Oh, I made breakfast.

I cooked everything myself.

Who does that?

You agree with me, right?

Agree's kind of a strong word.

Danny, please.

She is so manipulative.

I know what Cassie is doing.

Trying to have a relationship with my brother?

Exactly.

And how is that any different from what you're trying to do?

It's different because...

She's better at it.

( Sighs )

( Groans )

Okay, I admit it.

Maybe I'm a little jealous, but I just can't stop thinking about him.

It's like ever since he came back into my life, all of these old feelings from high school just came bubbling back up.

Only this time I think maybe he'll notice me now.

You know, I'm not Ri-gantor anymore.

I'm not the fat girl that used to sit on his head.

I just keep imagining he's finally gonna walk up to me and say-- stay out of the ladies' room.

Somebody just puked.

Not quite the same ring as "I've always loved you."

Trust me.

It's his loss.

I'm sure one of these days you'll find someone even bigger.

I mean, better.

Thanks.

I know you're right.

It's just-- it's really hard to listen to someone that you like talk about someone else.

I get it.

Believe me.

I get it.

How hard can it be?

You know, I'll-- I'll buy a jersey, I'll tie it to my bumper, I'll drive it around town, and wrap it in dead meat, and then I'll just shove it in a plastic bag and drop it off at the arena. He'll never know.

( Exhales )

I think we're actually good.

Okay.

Yeah.

Check this out.

He'll never know, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's perfect.

He hasn't taken that many pucks to the head.

He'll know!

You have to protect me.

No.

No, what I have to do is mom-up.

I'm going to go talk to my son.

I'm gonna tell him to grow up, and hopefully, I'll stop him from shredding you like you did his lucky jersey.

I'll wait here.

Yeah, I'm sure.

It's okay, I'm his mother.

Oh, Danny.

We need to talk.

Where have you been?

( Sighs )

It's all right.

Nothing I haven't seen before.

Except maybe that.

Hi, Bonnie Wheeler...

Mom!

Right.

Listen.

Listen, honey.

My laces, my mouth guard, wait.

Where's my lucky jersey?

Yeah, about that.

Um...

Sweetie, do you-- do you remember when you were little and your rabbit, Mr. Hopson, went to go live in the country?

Yeah.

Well, the same thing kind of happened to your jersey.

My jersey's on a farm in Pennsylvania?

No.

Danny, your jersey has gone to the great laundry basket in the sky.

It bit the dust in the washer.

It's sleeping with the lint.

It's ruined, destroyed, nothing left!

You lost my jersey?

Close enough.

But, honey, listen to me.

It is going to be okay.

No. No.

No, no, it's not going to be okay!

I can't go out there.

I've never gone out there without it.

Quick, cut my Achilles tendon.

Listen, listen. Just pull yourself together!

Honey, listen to me.

It's just a jersey.

It's not lucky.

Okay?

None of this stuff is lucky, okay?

You don't need these laces!

Okay? You don't need this mouth guard.

Okay, maybe you need that mouth guard, but it's not because it's lucky.

It's because I paid a lot of money for those teeth.

Now, look at me.

You are an amazing, talented athlete.

All right, you're Danny Wheeler.

You are the best damn player on this team!

Just trying to make a point here, people.

So don't let some old shirt determine your greatness.

Listen.

You get out there, and you make your mother proud.

Thanks, Mom.

Yeah.

Mom!

Yeah, I know, I know.

I know.

( Cheering )

All: Whoo!

Whoo! That's my boy.

Oh, look, Emma. Can you see Uncle Danny?

Hi, Emma.

Let's go, Wheeler!

Come on, Danny!

Whoo!

Is it always this violent?

Only if you're lucky.

Isn't it great?

Oh, it's called hockey, ref!

Not cuddling!

Hey, thanks again for being so nice to Cassie. It really means a lot to me and Emma.

No problem.

( Whistles )

Cross check?

What are you, blind?

He hit him first.

Come on!

Really, 'cause it looked like Danny just whaled on--

I'll be quiet.

Where's Danny going?

Penalty Box. I'm gonna go check on him.

I'll be right back.

Oh. ( Chuckles )

So.

How's it going so far?

We should talk.

Dude! You're amazing!

What's gotten into you?

I don't know.

It's like I'm totally free without that jersey.

Maybe it's because I can move my arms.

Yeah!

( Laughs )

It's pretty obvious you're in love with Ben.

What?

No.

That is so...

What?

( Laughs )

It's okay.

It's not like I'm threatened, I just--

I feel badly for you because he's never gonna see you as anything other than...

Fatpants. ( Chuckles )

All right, get back out there.

But maybe try to punch out a few less people and stay out of the penalty box.

I don't think it's me you need to worry about.

( Cheering )

Ri-gantor!

Whoo!

Oh, my God.

What is wrong with me?

I try so hard, but Ri-gantor still comes roaring out.

Don't feel too bad.

Cassie's a nurse.

She knows how to put on a neck brace.

( Chuckles )

I'm sure Ben hates me now.

He doesn't hate you.

Just talk to him.

I can't go in there.

I can't do it.

You gotta face that fear.

Look at me.

I faced mine tonight.

And won.

That puck bounced off your helmet.

On purpose.

I'm just saying.

You gotta tell him the truth about what happened with Cassie and then move on.

( Sighs )

I wish it were that easy.

I'll see you guys at your place.

Congratulations, Wheeler.

My brother's an idiot.

To my amazing son and his game winning goal.

( Cheering )

See, sweetie?

You never needed that lucky jersey after all.

What a game, man.

Danny, you were amazing.

But, I think we owe this little lady, and me of course, a big thank you.

Pull my finger.

My lucky jersey?

Now in a convenient fun size.

( Laughs )

I knew how important it was to you.

Ooh, thank you, Tucker.

That was so, so, thoughtful.

So it was there all along.

This is the reason I won.

Or perhaps it was my brilliant pep talk that convinced you to give up a decade of silly superstitions and finally learn to believe in yourself.

No. It was Tucker.

( Quietly ) Okay.

Emma, you're my new good luck charm.

But, mom, you'll always be my sock girl.

Oh, fine. As long as I get to meet you in the locker room before every game.

Oh, and if that hottie in the towel asks, I'm your sister-- not your mother.

Hey.

Hey.

So, uh, here's something I haven't said to anyone since high school.

Sorry I put your girlfriend in a headlock.

Apparently, still your signature move.

How's Cassie?

We broke up.

Ben-- ( Groans ) I'm sorry.

It was totally my fault.

If you want me to go talk to her--

Not sure how helpful that would be.

But, um...

She was obsessed with this idea that you have a crush on me.

( Scoffs ) What?

No.

That is so...

What?

( Chuckles )

It was probably my fault.

I talked about you a lot.

You mean, like telling her my nickname was Fatpants?

Thanks for that.

No, I just told her what we were like as kids, and how you grew into this amazing, independent woman.

And how I hope Emma grows up to be just like you.

You did?

Yeah, I did.

So we're good?

All good.

I'm really glad we're friends.

To friends.

Friends.

Oh, nope. Still hate it.

||

Announcer: All right, sports fans. Let's talk hockey and Danny Wheeler.

Who made this first game of the *** tonight a memorable one.

Let's take a look at that winning goal.

All: Ooh!

That was awesome.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Announcer: Of course, the real highlight of the game was that incredible fight in the stands.

Ben: Riley! Oh, my--

Riley, that's you! That's your face!

Danny, give me the remote!

Riley, that's you! Ri-gantor!

( All talking at once )