01x06 - Take Her Out of the Ballgame

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Emma. All aboard the Tucker train.

Tucka-tucka tucka-tucka--

( Sputters )

Look, baby, I ain't got nowhere else to be.

We can do this all day, okay?

( Coughs )

Okay, I'm out.

Oh my God, moving is exhausting.

Especially if you're actually carrying things.

Coming through. Biceps burning.

( Groans ) Not quite as in shape as I look.

Oh-hell-to-the-no.

What is all of this stuff?

She is not moving in here.

Oh relax, peanut.

These are just a few cherished memories that I've saved from my boys' childhood.

Also known as crap-she-couldn't-unload- at-the-garage-sale.

Not crap.

These boxes represent a lifetime of awesomeness.

And we'd all hate to forget how awesome you are.

Wait.

Are these all filled with Danny's trophies?

'Cause, you know, I accomplished a few things growing up as well.

Oh, if only they gave awards for making fake ID's.

I saved some of your stuff too, honey.

Uh, yeah, ah.

A picture I painted in kindergarten and a Thanksgiving hand turkey?

I'm sorry, honey.

I can't be expected to keep track of everything.

Hey, where are my college trophies?

Downstairs, backseat.

The boxes should be color-coded and dated.

Hey, man, don't feel bad, okay?

She didn't save his hand turkey.

Look! My hand turkey!

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about this place feels different.

You've heard the expression "winner takes all."

This is all.

I've never seen you look so jocky.

Danny's not the only one who can put a jersey on and hit things with a stick.

It's softball, and they haven't won a game.

Do I need to say more?

Found 'em.

They were in the storage room next to the Christmas lights and what I thought was Mrs. Bart's lost chihuahua.

It wasn't.

Thanks, man. And there will be no trash talking of the B-Bar Brawlers.

I'm sorry.

I just don't see the point of playing if you're not at least trying to win.

Back me up here, Riley.

( Scoffs ) Oh no.

I've known you both long enough to know that "back me up, Riley" is two seconds away from "shut up, Riley. Who asked you?"

The point-- wait for it-- is to have fun, and the fun is what I bring.

How do you think I got elected team captain?

Well, you gave us free beer and ballots and said "vote for me."

Oh my God, look at this.

Varsity lacrosse-- you and me, front and center.

Which is fairly unfortunate for all the people in the back.

You two were on the same team?

They didn't call her Rigantor for nothing.

She was tougher...

And wider.

...than any guy on the field.

You wanna come play? Everyone's welcome.

Not really doing the sports thing anymore.

God, this just feels like a different life.

Well, you athletes enjoy your afternoon.

I've gotta get to the rink and hit stuff with a stick...

For money. ( Chuckles )

Hey, we gotta get movin'.

I need to go hit things with a stick for beer.

( Mocking laughter )

All right, Brawlers, I'd like to propose a little pre-game toast.

May we always remember that winning isn't everything, but having a full keg is. Game on!

( Cheers )

Oh, hold up.

I think we have a couple pinch hitters.

Everyone, this is Riley and my daughter Emma.

So if you're keeping score that's Wheeler, 1-0 in the unplanned-pregnancy game.

Hey, Tuck, you wanna try some pop-ups while I get them settled?

Oh, I'm good. I already ate.

I meant-- ( Grunts )

I'm so glad you guys came down.

I thought it'd be nice for Emma to see her daddy play.

Hit a few over the fence.

Clearly you've never seen me play, 'cause that's not exactly what I'm known for.

( Bat thunks )

Tucker: Ben!

Really? Glue on home plate.

That's what I'm known for.

Yoo-hoo. Lady in the locker room.

But don't feel any pressure to cover up.

Hi, cowboy.

Mom, what are you doing?!

Oh hi, Danny.

I told you not to come see me here.

And I'm not. I didn't even know you were here.

That's worse. If my coach sees you again-- oh, damn it, there he is. Mom, please don't embarrass me.

Hey, coach Hayes--

Wheeler. Hi, Bonnie.

Hey, Hank.

I'm really sorry about--

Bonnie? Hank?

I'm glad you're cool with this, Wheeler.

A lot of guys wouldn't be.

Wouldn't be what?

Me going out with your mom.

It takes him a minute...

You're going out with my mom?!!

... But he always gets there.

I was going to talk to you myself, but Bonnie said she'd handle it.

And I handled it by not telling him.

See? Absolutely nothing embarrassing whatsoever.

Happy? Okay, no. Bye-bye. We should go.

You can't tell me you're actually okay with this.

I'm actually okay with this.

Well, your mom dating your coach should make for some interesting pillow talk.

What? No pillows.

How did there suddenly get to be pillows?

They were just going to happy hour.

If I recall, the last girl you took to happy hour got so happy we got a noise complaint.

But that's different. They wouldn't-- she's a mom!

And Ben's a dad. Hasn't slowed him down.

It would take a lot more than a baby.

That's it-- I can't think about this anymore.

I'm going to go workout until even my brain is exhausted.

See ya' in 20.

Any progress?

If she could eat through her nose, I'd say she's doing great.

Aww.

Mystery solved.

She's a Daddy's girl.

( Phone vibrates )

Ah, Tucker and the guys are already at the field.

I should finish feeding her. Mom's gonna be here soon, can you run my equipment down to the field for me?

And take my mitt. You'll have fun. I promise.

Oof. This weighed so much less when I weighed so much more.

You don't care about a shelf-full of trophies, do you?

Your daddy's still a winner in your eyes, right?

I'll take that as a "yes."

Hey, Brawlers. Sorry I'm so late.

We did it. We won!

At what?

Softball. First time ever.

But it was all Riley. She was incredible.

Riley?

Ben! Did you hear?

Oh my God, you were right. This was so fun.

These guys are awesome.

No, you're awesome.

Three home runs! Three.

I think she even made the umpire cry.

Sounds like I missed a great game.

Oh, um...

One other minor thing you missed.

The guys voted Riley team captain.

What? How could they-- wait. I thought the vote had to be unanimous.

I might have gotten caught up in the moment.

High-five?

Ben, I don't know what happened.

I do.

I was feeding my baby and you took over my team.

I'm sorry.

One minute I was picking up a glove and the next thing I knew everyone was shouting...

( Mimics crowd ) "You're amazing!"

Okay, first it started out as "awesome," then, you know, it went to "amazing."

Why are we even having this conversation?

I'm obviously not going to do it.

Really?

'Cause I heard you were "amazing."

Ben--

No, it's okay.

The team seemed pretty happy.

Maybe it'd be a good thing if you took over for a while.

Are you sure? Because I really don't care one way or the other.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Oh my God! Yes! Thank you!

This is going to be so much fun.

I forgot how much I missed playing-- the camaraderie, the competition, the chanting--

"in your face, suckers." Oh, I'm so excited!

When'd you get home? Where'd you go?

He behaved himself, right?

Sure. Let's go with that.

We just went out for some Italian food.

Italian food?

Oh, we all know what that means.

No, we don't! What does that mean?

This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

Honey, I think I should keep this part of my life private.

Private?

In other words, just because he's your coach, don't expect to know when he scores.

Don't you have something better to do?

No, not better than this, no.

Okay, honey, I know that you don't want to hear this, but I'm a woman and I have needs.

So make a list. I'll get whatever you need right now.

So are we good?

♪ I'm captain. ♪

Ben talked me into it.

Without even opening my mouth.

The only thing we haven't figured out yet: Who's watching Emma on Saturday?

It's not gonna be me. Hank invited me to lunch and I'm not canceling. Our schedules are almost impossible to hook up.

She said "hook up."

Okay.

I'll do it.

I'll watch Emma. I'd hate for anyone to have to cancel their plans.

Well, thank you, Danny.

Problem solved.

( Softly ) Not yet, but it will be.

Oh, honey, are you okay?

No. My tooth is throbbing like a jackhammer.

I got here as soon as I could.

My hair, however, is 30 minutes away.

I didn't know who else to call to watch Emma.

Can I see it? Is your tooth cracked?

Ow!

Don't! The dentist said he could see me right now.

I won't be long, I promise.

Good.

Because I'm supposed to meet Hank in less than an hour.

Oh, is that today?

Just go.

And remember-- don't take home the giant toothbrush.

It's the bathroom key.

Thanks, mom.

Sorry about your date, Hank.

Sorry, Tuck. I can't make it to the game.

Jury duty. But don't ask me the details, I took an oath. I shouldn't even be talking to you now.

Danny!

Ben.

Please tell me that Emma is outside parking the car.

No, she-- wait.

Aren't you supposed to be playing softball?

No, I had to stay. We're swamped.

Where's my baby?

Relax. Mom's got her.

Hank cancelled or something-- not real sure about the details.

Huh.

Maybe I should just ask Hank. Isn't that him?

Oh, crap. Hide me!

What are you doing?

Okay, so maybe that story wasn't completely true.

But if mom asks, they had to put me under for a root canal.

Unbelievable.

No, it's not. They'll do it if you ask.

No. You.

How could you do this to Mom? She seems really happy.

Oh, like you care about other people's happiness.

How's Riley going to feel when she finds out you quit because she took over?

This isn't quitting.

It's not showing up and hoping she doesn't notice.

Dude, you're supposed to have her back.

Why do you think she stopped being Rigantor?

She got tired of all the small planes buzzing around her head?

No. She didn't think she'd ever have any friends, that guys would never like her.

I'm just saying, you did a good thing. Don't screw it up now.

Hey, can I settle up?

( Bottles rattle )

It's on the house.

Thanks.

You're right. I'm being an idiot.

But so are you.

If it's not Hank, it's going to be someone else.

Hey, can I get a bar menu down here?

Thanks.

Hey, Mom, I'm back!

Coach?

Danny!

What are you doing here?

In my robe?

It's not what it looks like.

I'm pretty sure that's my robe.

Hank, you ready to go in for round two?

Ahh--

It's exactly what it looks like!

Wheeler, calm down!

No, I'm not going to calm down.

Hank, I'll handle this. Danny, calm down.

Maybe I should just get dressed and then we-- or I could just go.

Hank, no.

Hank, yes.

Honestly, Wheeler, listen, if you would just give me two seconds--

One two.

Oh, Danny, nothing was going on here.

I've heard that before. I believe Dad called it wrestling.

Wait. What happened to your tooth?

Ow.

Other side.

You are unbelievable!

Do you know what went on here this afternoon? We babysat.

That's it. But when we tried to feed Emma, she flung mashed bananas all over everything we were wearing.

Oh, yeah, she hates those.

So you weren't--

Hooking up with a guy I barely knew while I'm supposed to be babysitting? No!

Please! I'm not Grandma.

Now if you'll excuse me, I still have banana in my bra.

So you really--

No, we didn't!

Umpire: Strike one!

Hey, ump! You got cable?

'Cause we ain't watching the same game.

Hey, so sorry I'm late again, but I've brought a little peace offering.

It's the top of the ninth, I don't really have time for a prank right now.

It's actually full of vodka. So we drink it and then launch it.

There's a good chance we could clear the fence.

First time for everything.

Take a seat, Wheeler, with the rest of the ladies.

Hey hey, ump, turn your ringer on because you're missing your calls!

So how's it going? Are we winning?

We want you back!

Please be our captain again.

What about Riley?

All right, Tuck, you're on deck.

Strike out again and you'll be lickin' the lines off the field.

Look alive, people!

We already voted. The job's yours.

But you have to fire her.

The last time I told Riley something she didn't want to hear, she made me eat crayons.

I still tear up at the sight of burnt sienna.

Don't worry, I've got your back, okay?

Hey, teammates.

Hi, Riley. Oh, don't you look cute today?

Oh, is that my phone?

Hey, so what's up? Everything okay?

Yeah. It's about the game.

Oh, thank God.

I was worried I was going to have to bring it up. - Excuse me?

I know it's your thing, but you've gotta rein in the crazy.

Kinda trying to do that right now.

I just think you need to take the game a little more seriously.

You're putting me in a really tough spot with the other guys.

Truth is I should've benched you.

You were going to bench me? Okay, this just got a whole lot easier.

But I can't.

You know I can't.

You're the reason I'm playing again and I missed it so much.

Thank you.

So what did you want to tell me?

Just...

That you're doing a really great job.

Thanks.

( Phones vibrate )

"Ding dong, Riley's gone.

Ben's f*ring her right now."

What is this?

The meaner version of what I was gonna say.

Hey, Coach, can we talk?

I suppose you want your robe back.

It's not how it...

My mom told me about what happened.

I'm really sorry for overreacting like that.

No hard feelings.

Thanks for understanding.

And I totally promise to be better next time.

I really don't think there's gonna be a next time.

Hey, don't blame her because I'm a jerk.

It's not you, Wheeler. To be honest, I'm just not that into her. Turns out she's not my type.

Not your type?

Just a matter of taste.

So you don't like funny beautiful women who are totally out of your league?

Wheeler--

No, that's my mom you're talking about.

And the one thing I know for sure is that no one's smarter, nicer or more caring on this whole planet.

And any guy would be lucky to go out with her.

I'll go out with her.

Yeah. In your dreams.

( Grunts )

( Crickets chirping )

Hey.

Are sure you feel safe coming so close?

I would if you put the bat down.

Ugh, what is the matter with me?

Maybe you're just too smart and too beautiful.

Again, still holding the bat.

You can change the outside all you want, but the inside-- not so much.

I couldn't do it-- I couldn't just have fun.

Winning is fun for you.

Oh my God, I love it!

But what does that get me?

A room full of trophies and nobody to share them with?

Danny seems to have it figured out.

Well, neither of us are your brother.

Yeah, I think I've probably heard that one or two...

...hundred thousand times.

But he's not the brother I wanted to be like.

Truth: I once made up this whole goofy victory dance so I could show people that I can be fun too.

Oooh!

I called it the Wheeler.

What happened?

Somebody laughed and I decked them.

Truth: I was kind of looking forward to winning for a change.

Never really tried it before.

Well, I think you and the Brawlers can figure out how to do it without me.

Maybe.

But what fun would that be?

Ben, nobody wants me.

It doesn't matter. I want you.

( Glass shatters )

( Car alarm blaring )

I think we should probably run.

Yeah, let's.

All: Go Brawlers!

Tucker: We're on a roll!

All thanks to my lovely co-captain.

Riley even made up with the umpire.

Turns out he really does need new glasses.

Ben.

Hey, Mom. Come to help us celebrate?

No, more like hide out. Honey, you have to help me.

What's wrong?

Mom, what about this guy?

I don't know, honey.

The fear in his eyes is a bit of a turn off.

b*at it.

What about that guy over there?

Hey, you! Don't worry.

I'm gonna find a guy that makes you happy.

Okay.

He seems to be getting better.

Thanks for talking to him.

How did you know--?

Hey, I know my boy's work when I see it.

Like I always say, thank God for my Ben.

( Chanting ) Do the Wheeler, do the Wheeler...

What is Riley doing?

Ben: I believe it's called the Wheeler.

Well, honey, throw her a dollar. Otherwise this is just sad.