01x09 - A Wheeler Family Christmas Outing

[bunniefuu]

I'm telling you, Emma. A little sun, a little surf, a little cold one-- life does not get any better than this.

( Door opens )

Hello? Sorry I'm late. My flip-flops flopped out around 14th.

What's going on?

Welcome to Wheeler beach, where strangers don't ask you to rub lotion on their back.

Snow cones? One of the benefits of never de-frosting the freezer.

( Chuckles ) Listen...

Your current flavor choices include beer or ketchup.

I recommend the combo.

Oh, I thought we were going to the real beach.

You know, where I get to ask strangers to rub lotion on my back.

We were. Unfortunately, I got called into work.

But it's the hottest day of the year.

What kind of crazy person is even gonna be out?

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Are you all ready to revive a cherished Wheeler family tradition?

All right! Pancake-eating contest!

No. The annual Christmas card photo.

It was Benji's idea.

Whoo! Family photo!

There really is just no way to make that sound exciting.

Yeah. Because Mom used to dress us up like reindeer and make us look like idiots.

I know. But now that Emma's here, I wanna dress her up like a reindeer and make her look like an idiot.

Aww, I always loved that card.

It was the highlight of the season.

Thank you, Riley.

We put it on our fridge, and laughed...

In admiration whenever we saw it.

Well, I'm glad you liked it because you're gonna be in it.

You too, Tuck. This is about family and you're both part of Emma's family now.

Well, God knows she needs a new one I actually just finished cutting his fat head out of all of our albums.

But you guys got divorced over three years ago.

Yeah, well, I spent the first two years trying to ruin his credit.

And then I just kind of landed on this.

Hey, Tuck.

As the newest member of the Wheeler clan, any way I can talk you into taking my mom's car out to Jersey tomorrow to pick up the costumes?

Oh, you know I don't really drive.

Oh, I do! I'll drive. Can I do it?

I'm a new member too.

Well, why can't I go? What's going on?

Well, you know how it wouldn't be Christmas without Santa?

But Dad was always Santa!

( Muttering )

And his sleigh lands tomorrow morning.

Your father is coming to town?!

Merry Christmas!

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Okay, Mom, Dad will be here any minute.

And I'm begging you-- one weekend, one photo, no fighting.

Hey, I'm not the one you need to worry about.

I have moved on.

Ray Wheeler is just a speed bump in my rearview mirror.

I wouldn't mind slamming the car in reverse and backing up--

Mom!

All right.

Danny, back me up here.

Dude, there are some things in life you just don't get in between. a bear and its cub, a zombie and a brain, and Mom and Dad fighting.

( Knocks on door ) - That's him!

Mom, remember--

How he crushed my soul and left my ego for dead?

Distant memory. Okay?

Dad!

Ben Ben!

( Chuckles ) Oh!

Oh, you're looking good as always.

Hey, Dad!

Dan the man!

Think fast!

Both: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

( Laughs )

( Gasps ) There she is.

Oh!

Hi. Hi.

I think we know where she gets her good looks from, huh?

( Clears throat loudly )

There's a sound I haven't missed once.

Grab the baby.

( Mouths )

Bonnie.

( Mocking ) Ray.

Wow! Would you look at us?

Just one big happy family.

So Dad, how's business?

Good. Good.

I got three homes going up.

Oh, that's ironic.

I thought your specialty was wrecking them.

Just the old broken-down ones.

( Fake laugh )

Dad, come on. You said you weren't go there.

Go where? Mid-life crisis island?

Too late! I heard you were just elected mayor!

You know what you should try? Yoga.

I've been doing it twice a week.

I can actually touch my toes.

Oh. Well, that should make it easier for you to pull your head outta your--

Mom!

What?

You didn't know where I was going with that.

Ass!

Okay? Maybe you did. Just--

Tucker: Seriously?

Who has 14 boxes of Christmas costumes?

Even Jesus would call this overkill.

Okay. Well, then make yourself useful and find us a good one.

I wanna be something naughty and nice.

( Groaning ) Okay.

We've got a-- a box full of random beards.

Some assorted angel paraphernalia.

Oh! Halo!

( Chuckling )

What's over here?

Oh! And a box full of Danny's old schoolwork?

( Chuckles ) So Riley...

When I said, "hey, check the boxes,"

I kinda meant, "hey, check the boxes!"

Oh, I'm sorry. I was too busy ignoring you.

Oh, but wait!

What do we have here?

( Chuckles ) The journal of one Mr.

Daniel J. Wheeler.

Oh my God! Aww, that was our senior class project.

Should we read it? Is that like totally wrong?

Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying? I was reading.

Tucker, if you're gonna inv*de someone's privacy, at least have the decency to read it out loud.

Hey, you got room for one more out here?

Look, Ray, I'm sorry.

But I just can't pretend that I'm happy to see you.

Well, I could.

But then they'd have to give me an award, and I'd have to write a speech and you know, who's got the time?!

I just wanna have a conversation.

Well, whatever it is, I don't want to hear it.

I want to apologize.

Go on.

You deserved better.

I was going through a lot and I was taking it out on you.

And I'm sorry.

But I gotta say, seeing how good you look-- it makes me feel a lot better.

You think I look good?

Yeah, I think you look fantastic.

Apparently having me a thousand miles away is good for you.

I don't know if it's that.

Or just that I've been drinking more water.

Hey, what do you say you and I spend a little quality time together?

You know, without the k-i-ds.

You still happy we stopped at two?

Ecstatic.

But the new one shows promise.

I'm babysitting her tonight.

( Valley girl accent ) And they didn't tell me that I couldn't invite any boys over.

So do you want to join?

Yeah. Yeah, it's a date.

I've missed you, Bonnie.

So? Huh? Well? See?

I don't know.

Call me crazy, but I think that your father is looking to move back to Bonnie town!

Oh, wait wait wait.

I think we might finally have something.

Oh, there's a whole section about a secret crush.

It looks like the big guy was in love.

( Chuckles ) Oh yeah-- no.

Trust me, if there's anything I know about Danny it's that he was never in love.

Yeah, tell that to girl "X."

Girl "X"? Who's girl "X"?

Oh, I'm sensing that might be a code.

What?

Yeah, I guess he checked her out every day at field hockey practice.

There is no way! I played field hockey.

We made fun of every girl on that team.

Wait.

You were on the field hockey team?

Yeah.

Okay, keep reading. We gotta figure this out.

Oh no, that's it. The end.

When I said section I just meant those two lines.

Oh, give it to me.

Oh! Oops!

Now look what you have done.

Now we'll never know.

You and Mom... so?

Huh? Well? See?

Look, I'm not gonna lie, it was really good to see her.

Look, I don't wanna be one of those "maybe mommy and daddy are getting back together" kids, but...

Maybe mommy and daddy are getting back together?

Is that what you were thinking?

I'm sorry, that is not gonna happen.

( Sighs ) I'm actually seeing someone.

Now? Just when you and Mom are about to get back together?

I'm sure she'll understand.

Dad, no! You cannot tell Mom you're in a relationship!

At least not until after the Christmas photo. Please!

She will not be happy about your happiness.

You know, unlike me, who's very happy for you.

I'm sorry.

What's her name?

His name is Steve.

That's... weird.

'Cause you said Steve and that's usually a boy's name.

( Chuckles ) And then you said "his."

Ben, I'm gay.

Okay...

Wow! Really?

Probably could have eased into that a little more.

I'm sorry. I saw an opening and I just kind of went for it.

Are you sure?

Sure enough that I'm living with a guy named Steve.

But what about you and Mom?

Ben, I loved your Mom.

Being with her was like driving a great car.

And then one day that car throws your suitcase out on the front lawn, so you get on a plane, and you realize...

Holy cow!

I'm a pilot.

Along with your delivery, you might wanna work on your analogies.

They say the first time you talk to someone is the hardest, so when I talk to your mother and your brother, I'm sure--

Oh, no no no no no!

You cannot tell Mom or Danny.

At least not now. I've got a happy family photo to take, and just because gay means happy, it doesn't mean they will be.

I just hate to be dishonest.

Dad, it's only dishonest if someone asks.

And trust me, no one is gonna ask.

Ask what?

How quickly we can change the subject?

I have a friend who's thinking about coming out.

To visit?

Of the closet.

Why is he in--

Oh... that closet. Got it!

But he's not ready to come out yet.

Actually, I think he is.

What's the big deal? If he's gay, he's gay.

It just means more ladies for me.

See? Totally on board.

But if your friend's gay today, he'll probably still be gay tomorrow.

Say, after 5:00?

I'm not exactly sure how that works, but I think he's right.

All right, it's cool. He's waited this long, I'm sure he can wait another day.

Thank you.

I'm pretty I know who your friend is.

You do?

And you're okay with that?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Oh, that's great.

That is so great.

( Cellphone vibrating )

Oh, you know what? I'm gonna take this.

Let's just keep this between us for now.

Ben's worried if your mother finds out she's gonna freak.

Totally. It's our secret.

Thank you.

Hey, bro, just know...

I'll always love you.

Thanks.

But you're still gonna have to pay for this beer.

Hey, Wheeler! You home?

I got a couple ♪ questions.

Oh, and I've got some answers.

Boxes in the back. Riley out the door.

Wow, don't think I'm gonna make a habit of this, but you look beautiful.

Thanks. You look sweaty.

Listen, Riley, I need the advice of a girlfriend.

And, well, you're here, so...

What would you say if Ray and I got back together?

Well, if you're really asking my advice...

I think it's a truly horrible idea.

So what you're saying is I should liquor him up, and then break out a few of my seductive charms.

Yeah, that's actually the opposite of what I was saying.

I know, but I didn't like what you said.

( Mouths ) ( Knocks on door )

Grandpa reporting for duty.

Hi.

Fatpants?!

Right?!

Oh my God! Look at you!

Who knew that this was hidden inside all that?

Really nice to see you again, Mr. Wheeler.

You guys have a good night.

Boom boom boom boom boom.

Oddly made for each other.

( Both laughing )

Wait! You read my journal?

What's wrong with you?!

What? Stay with me. Okay?

Riley knows about girl "X."

You broke my code?

No, I called up my three-year-old nephew and he broke it.

( Sighs )

But Riley has not, okay?

So you've got yourself two options: One, finally man up and admit that you've been in love with her after all these years.

Or, you can-- or you can just hide.

Where did you g-- oh!

Hi.

Do you who your brother was in love with in high school?

Yeah. Himself.

I think they're still together.

Well, do you know where he is?

I'm gonna give him such grief.

Yeah, I think he's over there with my-- where's my dad?

♪ I know something you don't know. ♪

Guarantee I know a whole lot more.

Do you know your folks might be getting back together?

Already been down that path, and it does not lead to happiness and rainbows.

Well, maybe a rainbow.

Well, then someone should probably tell your mom because she is about to launch a full-on as*ault.

Right now?

Yeah.

I gotta go! Hey, cover for me!

Wait wait wait wait. You remember when we stole all the neighbors' garden gnomes?

( Laughing ) And then that crazy Johnnie Haskell from across the street demanded to search our garage.

( Laughing ) That's right.

Oh my gosh, how did we get ourselves out of that?

We blamed the boys and grounded them for a week.

Those kids do come in handy sometimes.

Oh, and do you remember how Johnnie always used to work out in his yard shirtless?

( Chortling ) Yeah.

( Dreamily ) Yeah, I remember.

( Sighs )

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great. I just feel like I need to talk to you about something.

Ray, it's your bonbon.

You can tell me anything.

I was gonna wait until after the picture tomorrow 'cause I didn't want it to get too awkward, but--

Well, I think you'll find that I am...

Fairly receptive.

Bonnie.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry. I just can't.

Well, maybe you just need a little inspiration.

Welcome to Bonnie town!

Bonnie!

( Screams )

( Screams ) Oh God!

Oh...

Oh! Oh!

This is gonna cost so much in therapy.

Oh God!

And that is how you cool off during a heat wave.

Honestly, Ben, don't you ever knock?

Sorry I keep forgetting it's my apartment!

Well, okay, but if you could just grab whatever it is you needed, and--

So what's the plan? Hide from her for the rest of your life?

Well, how hard can it be?

It's not like she comes over that much.

( Cellphone vibrating )

Riley's coming over.

Quick! Back to the bar!

Hey, that's a great idea.

Wheeler men bonding at the bar.

Wheeler women bonding at the apartment-- let's go, Dad!

Nothing like a night out with the boys.

And by boys, I mean--

She's got it, Dad, yep!

I don't know which one you are, but you're definitely the cutest reindeer of them all.

When did I become one of those parents?

( Scoffs )

Probably two seconds after I saw you in those little antlers.

Okay, Santa baby, let's move it along.

Christmas is just around the corner and so is my next break.

Yeah, we'll just be another minute.

Well, what do you think?

Does your dad look like a wise man?

Wiser than you did last night.

Yeah, that probably wasn't the best time to come out to your mom.

You know what? I think I'll do it the old-fashioned way and just blurt it out at Thanksgiving.

And the Christmas angel is upon us.

( Giggling )

Hey, maybe later we can ditch the fat man and you can try to tarnish my halo.

Okay, Mom.

You'll be standing over here.

I know, but I was--

W-way-- way over here.

Okay, all right.

Okay, this isn't a social, people.

Let's shake our tinsel makers and get a move on.

Okay, guys, come on! Let's go!

Well, put a plaid skirt on this and it's my senior class picture.

Danny, come on.

Why won't you tell me who your secret crush was?

I think you're kinda missing the point of it being a secret.

Um, it's me, Riley. You tell me everything.

What do you have to be embarrassed about?

I don't have anything to be embarrassed about.

It was just a long time ago and I don't want to talk about it.

Are my presents on the right feet?

Let me see.

( Groans ) Damn it!

I think I just popped a gumdrop.

Okay. It's official.

I can't possibly be more humiliated.

Don't forget your hat!

Oh, and I stand corrected.

Danny's old elf costume.

Aww, he hasn't fit into that since he was four.

( Jingle bells ringing )

Hear those bells? ( Weak chuckle )

Yeah, that's the last sound you'll hear before you're clubbed to death by a candy cane.

Can we please just let it go?

You know I'll figure it out.

Okay, Von Trapps.

Finally all here?

Uh, yeah yeah. Just, uh--

Great.

You know, we never got to finish what we started last night.

Oh! Uh, Ben?

Mom, hands to yourself, okay?

( Mocking ) Okay.

If I could just get my little elf to sit down.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

( Riley laughs )

Yeah, I'm just saying, okay?

I have seen 150 Christmas movies, and I ain't never seen a black elf!

Okay, I think we're ready.

Okay. So when I yell "Vixen"...

Fine. So she was on the field hockey team, we obviously had the same math class, and--

Oh my God. I know who it is.

( Gasps ) Danny...

Photographer: One, two--

Ben's gay!

What?!

Ben?!

Seriously?!

I'm not gay!

Dude, it's okay.

I guess I'm not that surprised.

It does explain the whole Tucker thing.

Wait! Hold up!

Wait, you think I'm gay?!

Yo, how could you look at me and say that?

Okay, for the last time, I'm not gay.

Danny, what is the matter with you?

Come on! "Your friend"?

Dad told me.

You told your father before you told me?!

I didn't tell anyone anything.

Because he's afraid to come out.

I'm not coming out!

See?

I'm gay!

Dad.

Mr. Wheeler?

Ray, you don't have to cover for him.

I'm not covering for him.

I'm telling the truth.

Are you serious?

Yes!

You're gay?!

Any chance we could put a pin in this until after we take the photo?

Wow!

You think you could have eased into that a little more?

Yeah, I have been told I need to work on my delivery.

Well, hearing you say that just confirms... Everything I've always known.

You knew Dad was gay?

No.

Nothing was my fault!

Ah! Oh, wow.

It feels so good to be right.

So does this mean that we're actually okay?

Uh, I guess.

I just wish you would have blurted it out at Thanksgiving like a normal person.

( Mouths )

Okay, and we're back.

Okay, everybody together.

Okay, sorry about that.

Though I'm guessing this doesn't happen every day.

You'd be surprised.

Okay, on three.

One, two...

It was that exchange student, wasn't it?

Three!

Dear Diary. It's me again.

Today was epic!

First of all, girl "X" has no idea that she's girl "X."

But for safety's sake, we'll call her girl "Y."

Oh! But I didn't tell you the biggest thing that happened to me today.

I just found out that my favorite Chinese restaurant delivers!

I no longer have to take two subways to get those amazing eggrolls.

Oh!

My dad's gay and Ben isn't.

Danny.